Súton (n.) twilight; the approach of death or the end of something.
I snap my eyes open when I can't breathe. "Asshole."
Negan is laughing, feeling accomplished after pinching my nose to wake me. "Well, you're still dressed so I guess the date didn't go well."
"We're taking things slow."
"You guys are fucking ridiculous."
"What if he's not attracted to me after I fucked Dominic? I know that's what it is, Negan."
"That could be it. As men, we're territorial. If Lucille slept with my best friend, no viagra in the world could help."
"Thanks, dingus."
"You asked, RM. Just talk to him. Seriously. Don't let this go for another few months. And get your ass up and ready for school."
Ugh! I don't have time for school!
Things between Madsen and me are still awkward. He's always saying he's tired or he's in a bad mood so he doesn't want to hang out. After the fifth day of it, fuck him. I'll go make my own fun.
Chonsey and I watch my alien movie, but he gets bored and leaves to do Chonsey things.
Specs has a fever.
Cheeto is busy with Birdie.
Dominic is, well do I even have to tell you?
I go up to the parlor to find Negan. He's having a drink, playing strip poker with his wives. Ugh, gross. His shirt is off. Well, and the rest of them are naked.
"Wanna join us, rumpy?"
"You know I don't."
Negan lays down a card. "What are you doing up here anyhow? Thought you'd be fapping to Calvin Klein panties."
"Who the fuck is Kevin? It's Polo Ralph Lauren boxer briefs, dingus." Which I still have yet to claim for my own. Goddammit.
"Negan, I thought we–"
"Quiet, I'll talk to RM as long as I want." His eyes shift from his wife to mine. "Well? What are you doing up here?"
"Nothing. Nevermind."
Negan follows me outside into the hall. "Hey, I'm playing the concerned guy here."
"No one wants to hang out with me. I'm a fucking loser."
"Madsen blew you off?"
"He's being awkward. I can't take this fucking shit anymore!"
"Whoa, hey, calm down. I don't think you're a loser. I'll hang out with you."
"No, go play cards."
"Bitch, I said I'll hang out with you, so stop your fucking pouting. Let me get on a shirt. Just hold on."
I'll give him two minutes before I fall for his bullshit again. Oh. He really did just go get his shirt.
"Alright, what do you wanna do?"
"I wanna leave this planet forever," I frown.
"Stop that bullshit right fucking now. I swear to god, I'll chain you to the fucking radiator again if you start making threats about taking your life. So Madsen is avoiding you. That's no reason to OD. You can't live for someone else, RM, because when they die, you die too. Life fucking sucks. I mean, there's no sugar coating it. You just need to find a distraction because that's all we can do in this life. Distract ourselves from all the fuckery surrounding us. Come on. I have an idea."
It was good advice that I really appreciated because he didn't have to give up his night. But he does. Which is more than I can say for anyone else.
After several grunts and groans, Negan builds this contraption outside for me. "There!"
"I don't understand it. You just told me I can't take my life, but you built me a noose."
"It's a tire swing. Get in it. No, not actually in the motherfucker." Negan helps me out and puts my legs through it so I can sit on it, not in it. Well, if he just would have said that. "Now, I'm going to push you."
As I speed through the air, I flip out of the tire and land on my arm. "Ow! Fuck!"
"Fuck! Why the fuck did you let go?!"
"I didn't know I was supposed to hold on! Fuck. Ouch, this lump hurts real bad."
"Shit. Don't touch that. That's your bone. You broke your arm."
I sigh heavily. "This is a fuck day."
"I'm sorry," he frowns, picking me up.
It's not even that big of a deal. It's just a lump. That is… until the doctor "sets" my arm. My screams draw Dominic, Cheeto, and finally Madsen into the infirmary.
"How did she break her arm," Madsen demands.
"Oh fuck, that's gnarly," Dominic laughs, which only angers Madsen more.
"I asked a question!"
"Fuck your question," I snap at Madsen. "Fuck all three of you. I asked you guys to play and Negan was the only one who didn't blow me off. Now you're concerned because I'm hurt? Get the fuck out. I don't want to see any of your faces." I turn my back to all three and reach for Negan's hand.
"RM," Madsen starts.
"Get out," I yell. "Now. All of you. If you built me a noose tire and gave up your night to spend with me then you can stay. If not, get the hell out!" My anger turns to the doctor. "Ow!"
"Hold still so I can mold your cast."
This takes forever, and this cast thing is heavy and awkward. When Madsen steps back in to check on me, I angrily point back at the door he came in. "Leave!"
"RM–"
"Leave, bitch," I yell.
Negan shakes his head after Madsen walks away. "Push the one you want to be close to out completely. Real smart, RM."
"Brain science has nothing to do with this. I asked them to play, they all had other things to do."
"Whatever, bitch. Let me sign your cast."
"What? Why?"
"That's what people do."
Weird, but, alright. In the boldest letters, Negan writes–
NEGAN'S COCK IS HARDER THAN THIS CAST.
"What the fuck did you write that for?"
"It's the truth."
"Yeah, it does get pretty hard." I sigh and lower my arm. "When can I take this off?"
"Six weeks," the doctor informs me.
"What? That's like a lot of days! That's like a month!"
"It's a month and a half," he corrects me.
"Oh, you think because you're a doctor you're smarter than me?"
"I am smarter than you."
Negan knocks him clean across the jaw. "Not smart enough to know to close his fucking mouth. Don't you ever talk to that woman that way again! You have no idea how fucking intelligent she is, fucking prick."
I smile up at Negan. "Yeah? You think my brain is smart?"
"I think you're smart, RM. Come here." He hoists me up. "Let's go watch a movie."
I figured that let's go watch a movie meant he'd plug it in and leave me, but he actually takes me to his bed to watch it. Oh, god, this bed is so fucking soft. And so much room. Yet, when Negan gets comfortable, I can't help but wish the bed was smaller. I scoot close to him and lay on his chest. "Thank you for my swing."
"I'm sorry you got hurt. Next time hold on, dummy." He pulls the covers over me.
I'm not cold, but I don't fight it. Or my heavy eyelids. I missed this bed. Or maybe I just miss my shag pillow…
Waking up sucks. I'm in a lot of pain. Negan gives me some pills, then sends me to school.
"Great job, RM. You've really improved," Mister Rogers praises.
I'm so excited to see Negan at dinner, I can barely sit still and rush to our table once it's time. Damn, what's taking him so long?
"Here, RM," Madsen tells me, setting down my tray.
"You didn't need to do this."
"How's your arm?"
I ignore Madsen as Negan nears.
"What's that look for," Negan laughs, having a seat.
"I get another reward at school," I smile proudly at Negan. "Will you come? It's at the end of the week."
"I wouldn't miss it."
"Well... that's what you said last time and..."
"Look, I know, but I promise, I'll be there."
"Okay," I smile, grabbing his hand.
He coils his fingers around mine. "Affection twice in two days, bitch?"
"Yeah, dumpy," I smirk.
Madsen's chair scrapes across the floor. He's walked away from most of his dinner.
"What's his deal?"
"You are holding my hand. You tell him about your reward?"
"No," I say with a mouthful. "So?"
"He's jealous you invited me and not him."
"Fuck him, he's been ignoring me for days!"
"What can I say? I know pride when I see it. He's too goddamn stubborn to ask. Look, whatever you do, don't fucking invite him now. I mean, you know he's going to show up."
"I don't really know what to believe anymore." I get up from the table and go spend the night in my room. Drugs took up so much of my time. I'd get fucked up and days used to pass. Being sober, I'm always bored. And time goes by so slow.
NEGAN'S COCK IS HARDER THAN THIS CAST.
Ugh, no. Life is harder than this cast...
When the day comes to get my reward, no Negan. I'm so upset and can't believe how emotional I am over this shit. His number one my ass. He doesn't give a fuck about me. And what is Madsen doing here? I didn't invite him to my reward ceremony...
"RM, I'm-"
"Have you seen Negan?" I ask again when Madsen just stares at me.
"...no."
He's full of shit, too. He probably saw Negan outside when he was smoking and doesn't want to upset me. Too fucking late for that. Negan should have fucking thought about someone other than his dick.
"RM, wait!"
I barely beat Madsen outside to find Negan on one of the tables talking to a new issue girl that just arrived the other day.
He's trying to convince her to be one of his wives, but goes pale once he sees the certificate in my hand. "Fuck!"
"Yeah, fuck!"
"RM, wait!" Negan trips twice getting up from the table. "RM-"
"I feel fucking stupid falling for your bullshit again! Here... let me just save you the trouble." I rip the certificate in half letting it fall to his feet. "Fuck you for making me feel like this, you dumpy fuck."
"RM, wait!"
"Don't touch me," I scream up at his stupid face. "I fucking went and got Lucille for you and almost died in the process. You can't even show up for my reward! You lied to me. Again!" I hurry off inside as my tears give and I cry once I'm back in my room. Fuck!
...
I sigh frustrated when I can't find the stupid color for the trash squirrel. It was just in here!
"RM," Madsen tells me, handing over the crayon that must have rolled off my table.
I keep my eyes down on his boots as I take the crayon. If I look at him, it's over. What small shred of strength I have will crumble again. I'm not sure if he's searching for the words or expecting me to speak. This awkward silence devastates me. I've never not known what to say to him. I focus in on my page before I just anger him with my stupid mouth. When I hear him shuffle back towards the door, I panic. Please, don't fucking leave me. I'm so desperate, I ask the only thing that comes to mind. "Do you wanna color with me?" Just like I thought, when he looks over his shoulder and our eyes lock, my heart drops. It's like this rock that sinks so fast I can't even catch it before it slips through my fingers.
"Yes," he replies almost instantaneously. It's more eager than any response I've heard from him. Like he's suffering from the distance created, too.
Fuck, I know I hurt him, but I can't fix what I've done if he won't let me in. My only leg to stand on is the fact that I really thought he was dead. Still, it's no excuse because it's Dominic. If the situation was reversed and Madsen touched Ren, I would feel the exact same. Betrayed. He knows how jealous I am of Ren, and I knew how jealous he was of Dominic. I look over to see Madsen giving me the green crayon. "What's that for?"
"You're drawing Troglodytes Aedon, right?"
"You remember that?"
"I do, and I remember that it had one green eye."
As I stare at the crayon, I can feel this ache in the back of my throat. Do not fucking let him see you cry. I can't see what he's drawing because his left hand covers it up. I miss his drawings. Damn, my green crayon is always so low because of aliens. This box has a crayon knife, but no matter what I do it comes right back out the same. "This thing never works," I frown, lowering my crayon and the box.
Madsen guides the crayon back to the box, then gently turns my hand. "Revolutions."
I'm not going to lie. His warm skin on mine still makes me weak. After a few turns, I take the crayon out to find that it's like brand new again. "Thank you," I smile.
It seems that I still have an effect on him, too, and he takes a second glance at my smile. "I'm sorry that I never sent you to school, RM. It's just… I was afraid," he pauses. "Afraid that they'd try and take you away from me. I don't know if you remember or not, but Sheriff Phil tried to take you when you first came to live with me."
"I hated that day."
"Still. I owned that county. I should have paid someone off to teach you these kinds of things. Christ, RM, I thought the fewer people that knew the better. I never meant it to hinder your development."
"I don't blame you for any of the decisions that you made." I didn't even know what brushing my teeth was when I met Madsen. In the short time he had me, he helped me so much.
Madsen slides over his drawing to me before rising from the table. He presses his lips to the top of my head. "I am proud of you, RM."
My eyes well up when I look at his drawing. He's drawn a replica of my certificate reward. "Madie, wait," I call back at him after the door has shut. I set down the drawing and wipe my face. Fuck it. I don't care if he sees me cry. I just want him to know that he is what I want, and take off for his room.
Only I'm too late.
I watch Jessica slip inside his room, closing the door behind her. What the fuck?! I hurry to his room and put my ear against his door.
"Jessica, you need to leave."
My jealousy consumes me.
She says she misses him, then she's quiet.
He's quiet.
I hate myself for trying to fuck Dominic.
"Madsen, I love you. I always have. We never really got a chance at starting anything. I want to pick up where we left off that night at your place."
I push myself away from the door. Oh my fuck, I knew it. You fucking bitch, I sob, before taking off down the steps. My chest is so tight, but I keep running down each stair. Hundreds of rusted metal steps and torturous thoughts until it becomes too much and my legs give right outside the gates of Sanctuary. "I hate this life! Goddammit!" I'm startled when a hand grabs my shoulder.
"RM," Madsen huffs out of breath.
"What… how did you…"
"She just let herself in. I asked her to leave for a second time and as she did that's when I saw you running. Knowing what that overactive imagination of yours cooked up when she said she loved me."
"I can't compete with her!"
"Have I ever asked you to?"
"No," I flush, feeling foolish.
"You can't keep filling your mind with these thoughts that these women could ever compete with you."
I stand up and wrap my arms around him. This man is everything to me.
"What do you want, RM?"
"You."
His fingers run through my hair before I'm hoisted up.
Is this finally confirmation? Are we… together? Being in his arms is the most– I let out a deafening scream when I feel something stab through my calf as Madsen turns around. I look over my shoulder to see us surrounded by five men.
Madsen gasps for a breath.
The knife not only went through some of my leg, but is lodged in his stomach. "No," I scream.
Madsen's grip on me loosens as he reaches for his gun only to be stabbed again by the same man.
This time, I'm dropped to the pavement as Madsen stumbles back a step.
"You're going to kill my men, I'm going to kill yours," the one holding a knife says.
Oh god. These men are what's left of NSFL! When he gets near my Madie again, I disarm the knife by using a trick PM showed me. "Go away," I threaten.
As one of them grab me, Madsen fires what's left in his gun at the men.
It is the only time I have ever been grateful to see a .50 caliber round go through skulls.
As the last man falls, so does Madsen.
"No!"
"RM," Madsen chokes, his chest jerking in pain. "I'm sorry," he hiccups. His grip is weak as he tries to cup my leg to stop the bleeding. It's just like him to think of me before himself.
"Help," I scream. "Help!" I press my hands to his stomach. "I'm sorry! I got you hurt running like an idiot. I'll never forgive myself!"
"RM?"
I take his hand, touching it to my cheek. "I'm right here, Madie." I've never seen him writher in pain like this. "Oh, god, Madie, please don't leave me!"
He struggles for a breath. "RM, I–"
"No," I scream. I tug and tug on his shirt but there's no response from him. "Don't fucking die, please. I don't have anyone!"
His lips part as his eyes settle off to the side.
"Madie, no," I sob against his chest. I hear Negan, Dominic, and Cheeto in the distance.
Dominic shoves one of the members of NSFL over onto the concrete barrier as the man reanimates. "Mad-Dog," he shouts, reaching for his throat.
"His insides," I cry, trying to keep them from spilling out.
"Fuck," Dominic panics, grabbing the sides of his head.
"Mad," Cheeto calls, slapping his cheek a few times.
"Is he," Negan asks hesitant.
You can't live for someone else, RM, because when they die, you die too.
"Do something," I scream at them.
As they haul Madsen off, I hobble behind them. My cast is stained in Madsen's blood. My soft legs ripped from the knife. My boot filling with blood. My heart past the point of repair.
"Everyone, give me room," the doctor shouts as he fights to save Madsen.
If something ever happens to me, you stay close to Charlie. He will always protect you, RM.
I step away from the table a take Cheeto's hand. If I lose Madsen, I don't think Cheeto will have to worry about protecting me...