A/N: I've been playing Lost Odyssey and the music is breathtaking.
I've cried like three times just because of the music that sets the scene. Or maybe it's just because I'm a sap. Teehee! Angst chapter ahead.
Also, the last chapter had so much creative license used. I know Masaki was devoured by a Hollow, therefore not having a Soul Burial, but I kinda like the idea of her soul surviving in order to be 'sent' by Isshin. And Isshin being the 13th Captain was just for convenience.
Title: Worth Living
Summary: Rukia never saw herself as 'immortal', she was used to death and she knew she could die. But it was different with him. When she was with him, she wanted to live every single second. She no longer wanted to be 'Death'.
And that terrified her.
Warnings/Spoilers: Angst! It's bittersweet though.
Rukia could never call herself immortal. She aged but slowly. She could die—but she didn't know what happened after that. She was Death. No, no, she was like Death's lackey. Sending the souls of the dead and destroying Hollows...
When the Winter War ended...Rukia came to terms with her morality.
She could die it's just she had too much to live for to let herself be defeated. He was her reason to keep fighting, even when her blood pooled and dried on the white sand. When Ichigo looked back at her, with that half-smile of his, she felt her heart whisper something...yet her mouth remained shut.
"I'll see you soon." He said before turning his back.
Rukia didn't move. She couldn't lie to him. Every fiber in her being wanted to be close to him but she was a Shinigami. She was dead. And she wasn't going back to the living world anytime soon.
But Rukia would continue living this strange existence.
4 Years after the Winter War
Rukia protected a small harbor town. She enjoyed the ocean, the people, and the sights and sounds. It was there that she met Rena, a small girl with bright blue eyes and blonde hair. She was Rukia's height and only nine years old.
Rukia watched over her because if she didn't give her mind something to do, it would worry about him and she'd be tempted to go and visit. She was as energetic as Yuzu but she had Karin's playful sarcasm. Maybe that's why Rukia got close to her...she reminded her of her two little sisters. Yes, that was another good reason.
Rena was very sick...but she was lucky. Her parents owned a hotel near the harbor, it was always full of new and exciting people. Rena would look up at them with her big blue eyes and ask;
"Where are you from?"
And when they answered, she would ask;
"What's it like?"
She was a charming young girl. Rukia found herself smiling with Rena, even if she couldn't be seen. It took only a few months for the illness that Rena had to leave her bed-ridden. But Rena was a stubborn girl and she'd sit near the front desk—her eyes dark from lack of sleep and her face pale.
But those eyes would light up when a new person walked in. Her mouth would open, a slight gap in her two front teeth, and she would ask...."Where are you from?"
Rukia wanted to invest in a gigai. She wanted to tell Rena all her stories. About Karakura. About juice boxes, Chappy, and him. She couldn't omit him from the story. But as time went on, it was easier for Rukia to think his name. She wasn't ready to say it...not yet.
But Rukia never told Rena these stories.
She never told her about the first time she ate ice cream.
She never told her about an orange-haired friend who saved her life.
She never told her about magic swords with names or insane fight-happy Captains.
She would never tell her any of these things.
&3&3&3
It was raining when Rukia walked into the hotel. No one was around, besides a few security guards. Rukia smoothed back her dark hair as she moved, like a ghost—ah, no...she was a ghost.
Rena was tucked in her bed with her parents beside her. Her golden hair looked like a halo in the soft light. Rukia saw death often...so she did not cry or frown when she walked to the beside of the girl she had been watching over.
Her mother, who looked just like an older version of Rena, wasn't weeping. She was speaking to Rena as if the girl was alive—telling her "Do you remember when...?" Rena's father had his wife's hand and the lamp's glow reflected off his glasses. His black hair was tied away from his face. He almost reminded Rukia of her Nii-sama. Only this man had laugh and smile lines around his face. Rukia saw how much he adored Rena. The young girl was an only child and her parents loved her dearly.
Rena's face lit into a small smile as she slept. Her spirit stood waiting, floating a few inches above the bed.
"Where are you from?" She asked Rukia, glancing down at her sleeping body.
"Karakura." Rukia answered while balancing on the bottom headboard of the girl's bed.
"What's it like?" She asked, the curiosity deep in her eyes.
"You can go there someday, if you'd like. It's very nice...not as busy as this town." Rukia said as if she was speaking to an old friend.
"Will I see you there?" Rena asked with another tiny smile.
No.
"Yes." Rukia took out her zanpaktou and Rena looked back at her parents.
"Can they come too?" She asked, pointing to the man and woman still speaking to her lifeless form.
Even when they die, there's no true chance that you'll reunite in Soul Society. I'm sorry.
"Not now."
"Okay." Rena nodded, "Where am I going?"
"Someplace beautiful." Rukia's hilt of her zanpaktou hovered merely an inch over the girls head. "You'll be able to walk wherever you want. You'll meet some new faces and maybe some old friends...you won't...be sick anymore."
Rena closed her eyes. "I like the sound of that." She whispered.
Rukia pressed the hilt of her blade onto her forehead and within moments, her spirit disappeared. Rukia realized...she had become an exceptional liar. Ordinarily, she would have told the girl that she wouldn't see her again, she'd be going to Soul Society and that was it. And there was no hope of her seeing her parents or friends again.
But Rukia couldn't do that. Ichigo left something with her...something human...it melted away her Kuchiki iciness. She could no longer be aloof towards the spirits she sent. She actually wanted them to be sent away happy, even if she had to lie.
&3&3&3&3
10 years after the Winter War
Rukia stared at her reflection in the water. It rippled with the coming tide and would fade away only to reappear again. The water lapped at her bare feet and sent chills up her spine. Her hair was a little longer now and it tickled her neck as the wind blew softly.
She didn't know what brought her back here.
She always said; "I won't go back to Karakura. It's too painful...I didn't even say goodbye to him."
After that she kept saying; "I can't go back. He won't forgive me for just...leaving him so suddenly. It's better this way, Nii-sama was right about not getting so close to Ichigo."
Then Renji would tell her: "Rukia, he always asks for you when he senses I'm in town. He misses you."
"Don't be foolish, he can't miss what he never truly had." She said with a roll of her eyes, as if she didn't care.
Renji would snort and walk away.
So...what was she doing here now? She kept her reitsu smothered away and hidden, she needed to come up with something to say...something witty, something smart, something caring—words that would express to him only what she wanted to express.
Rukia stepped back, away from the coming tide, and wanted to run away. She really wanted to run away. She never felt this sort of fear before. It was...well scary, unusual, and it made her afraid as to why her instincts were telling her to run.
Rukia bit her lower lip and made her long walk to Ichigo's house. She could have flash-stepped...but she didn't want to make this reuniting appear any quicker. She wanted to put this off for fifty more years at most. She wanted to see Ichigo again when he was dead and in Soul Society with her.
Rukia climbed up and to his windowsill like it was second nature.
She pulled the window up and open before slipping silently inside. The whole house was quiet. She could faintly hear his breathing and that was enough to scare the crap out of her.
Don't run away.
She closed her eyes tightly and took a few deep breaths. 'Don't be a coward'. Rukia suddenly turned around and jumped back out the window. Her feet landed against the pavement, harshly reminding her what she was doing. Running away from her only home. Running away from the only man who made her feel...alive.
She just couldn't do it. Not yet.
&3&3&3&3&
15 years after the Winter War
Rukia now kept two things with her at all times. The first was a picture of Ichigo. The corners were bent, a crease ran through the middle, and it was worn from years of rubbing against her Shinigami robes. It was the only picture she had of them together.
Isshin had taken it one day at the Kurosaki family picnic. Ichigo was sitting next to her, arms crossed and scowl on his face. Her pose mimicked his but she had a smirk, the classic Rukia smirk. She couldn't even remember what they had been arguing about.
But she did know that the picture was taken before all the pain.
The Winter War...it ate Rukia from the inside out. It was all her fault that Ichigo's friends were even involved, that Inoue had even been captured, everything was her fault. Fate had something to do with it. But she couldn't blame it all on fate.
If she just...hadn't given Ichigo her powers. Maybe she'd be dead now. These thoughts plagued her mind with every second. When she wasn't thinking about that...she was thinking about searching Soul Society to find Rena. But those were just foolish and distracting thoughts. Rukia would never act upon them.
The second object that Rukia kept with her was a letter. It was five years old and a constant reminder of her cowardice. Ichigo had given it to Renji...
"Why doesn't he just come to Soul Society?" Renji had asked one morning over tea.
"I told Urahara not to allow it. Nii-sama helped enforce those orders. It's better this way, Renji. It is." Rukia responded before getting up and leaving. Her tea remained un-touched.
Rukia,
I know you came into my room last night. It sounds weird but I could feel you. Maybe it was your spiritual energy or whatever...
and you left my window open.
Rukia...you can come home...
-Ichigo
Rukia did the math, if she was human...she would be 30-something years. She kept telling herself that Ichigo was grown up now, he probably had a family and a new home. He didn't need her. He didn't miss her. He had moved on.
She never shared these thoughts with anyone. She knew she'd be given false hope and people would say; 'Oh no, Rukia. He's a close friend—of course he wants you in his life' or 'He hasn't moved on. He's still waiting for you.'
Rukia never let herself have these hopeful thoughts.
She was assigned another town to protect, this time near the mountains. It snowed more here...so naturally she loved it. She mused what it would be like to live here...start a life...but then, as a fluffy ball of snow landed on her nose. Rukia remembered that she didn't have a life to live. Shinigami's live for two reasons; Send the dead and destroy Hollows.
She kept that motto written deeply on her heart.
&3&3&3&3&3
Rukia was placing flowers down on an unmarked grave. Her gigai felt stiff from the walk up here. The spirit she sent was an elderly woman, who asked as a final wish, for Rukia to place flowers on her unborn grandchild's grave.
Rukia promised she would. Her fingers felt numb from the cold but her heart was warm. She liked doing nice deeds. Warmth on her beating organ was better than the usual ache that inhabited it.
"Rukia?" A voice reached her ears and caused her heart to stop—sputter--and then return to beating.
She turned her head slowly to see orange hair.
"Ah." Her vocal chords weren't working. He hadn't changed a bit. Stupid scowl, stupid hair, he did look a little taller though. He looked...grown up.
"Is it...really you?" He took a step towards her. Rukia clutched her gray coat around her, the coldness that surrounded them felt far away but she had to do something with her hands or else she'd reach out for him.
"No." Her voice said on it's own. "I believe you are mistaken."
"W-wait!" But Rukia already turned away from him and walked quickly down the gray cobblestone path. She wrinkled her nose. Ironic...wasn't it?
Here she was, surrounded by graves—a place for the dead. Reuniting with the one person who made her want to live. She could hear his voice calling out for her and his feet hitting the stone behind her retreating form, his footsteps echoing hers. She didn't know when she started running—but she just did.
The gray slabs of concrete or whatever the hell it was became a blur. Little white sparkles fell down from the sky and obscured her vision, clinging to her hair and eyelashes.
"Rukia! Hold on!" She felt a hand clamp around her elbow and jerk her backwards.
"Get away! I don't know you!" Rukia lied. His grip on her arm didn't lessen and she refused to meet his gaze.
"Rukia..." His voice was softer this time. She relinquished the taste of hearing her voice on his tongue again. "Don't run..." Still soft. Rukia wanted to say his name, she wanted to kick him in the shins and she wanted to hug him.
He removed his hand from her elbow and Rukia didn't run. She found herself pivoting on her heel to turn and face him, see him up close again—one time, just one more time, and then she didn't need to see him again for another fifteen years.
"Ichigo..." His name tasted sweet on her tongue. His warm eyes looking down on her, but she was always his equal. If she was dreaming, let this be a dream that lasts a thousand years. She reached out and touched his hand...a hand that held a sword for too long. A hand that slayed too many men. She closed her eyes tightly, wishing away the images of Ichigo with blood stained hands.
She felt those same hands on her face, wiping away something. What the hell was he touching? Her eyes fluttered open and widened—why was her sight so blurred? She blinked a few times and felt lukewarm wetness on her cheeks.
She was crying...but why? Why the hell was she crying?!
"It's okay..." Ichigo said, calmly, gently, softly, and no other words were needed.
"No...it's not." Rukia spoke back, harshly, loudly, and she knew he was confused.
"I am dead. I am not going to be in history books, I won't have children, I exist only to send spirits and kill Hollows. I have no other purpose. It's the reason why I left you...why I never said goodbye. You deserve a normal, human, functional life." He raised his eyebrow at the word functional but Rukia continued.
"Our worlds should have never combined. I'm sorry for that. I thought it would be easier...if...I stopped being in your life." Rukia pushed his hands away from her face.
"You talk too much." Ichigo pointed out bluntly. "Rukia, you seem to forget. You gave me the power to protect the friends I care about the most. You don't fall into that category, Rukia. You mean...a lot to me." Ichigo scratched the back of his head.
"When I didn't see you for a few years, I just kept hoping you'd come back. It's the reason why I always left my window unlocked. The Winter War...it took a piece of me away. It took you away from me. But I couldn't just give up and stop living. So, I lived. I went to school, dated a bit, but I never went far from Karakura. I've always just been waiting for you. But then I got tired of waiting and wishing...and I went searching..." He shrugged, a little embarrassed at his words.
"Renji was the one who told me I'd find you here. I'm glad I didn't change my mind, Rukia. I really..."
"Oh, I'm the one who talks too much?" Rukia interjected.
Rukia didn't want to admit anything...not here...in a graveyard. Not even on a sun-setting beach. But maybe, just maybe, she could live. It wouldn't be a normal life but it would be something.
"Are you going back to Karakura?" She asked after a moment of silence between them.
"Yeah...do you...?"
Rukia only nodded.
He always gave her a reason to fight. If she wasn't fighting for pride or to protect—she was fighting to stay beside Ichigo.
He gave her a reason to live. She never had a chance to enjoy a human life because she died so young. But he gave her the chance. She wanted him in her life as much as he wanted her in his.
That's just how it worked out.
Rukia wasn't immortal. She could die from a sword or a bullet. She couldn't promise 'forever' to Ichigo because she knew that with time, Soul Society would come looking for her again. But for the months after their reunion at the graveyard...Rukia enjoyed her life.
She finally knew what a 'First Kiss' felt like.
She knew what a snowman was and how to make a snow angel.
She allowed herself to melt in his touch, she allowed those human emotions to bubble up and disperse through her veins.
She wanted to tell Ichigo how she felt.
But she just had a -feeling- that he already knew.
So, no. She never admitted her love standing on a sun-setting beach. She didn't say it on a rooftop while stargazing. But when it was just her and Ichigo, she'd look at him and feel every nerve in her body come to life. Then he'd give her this cocky smile and Rukia would return with her classic Kuchiki smirk.
And that was it.
She didn't worry about tomorrow or ten years from now. She lived for the moment, for each and every moment with Ichigo.
&3&3&3
Rukia let out a sigh of contentment, resting her head on his chest while listening to the soft buh-bump of his heartbeat. His shirt clung loosely to her skin, she breathed in his scent. She liked wearing his shirts—especially when her clothes had been haphazardly tossed across the room.
She wasn't afraid anymore to have someone to live for. He accepted her, saying something like 'Rukia don't be stupid. I'm just as dead as you are. So shut up about this whole 'we can't be together' shit. There's no other person in the world who can make the rain stop...so just be quiet, midget.'
She recalled punching him in the shoulder for calling her a midget.
Rukia closed her eyes...letting his heartbeat lull her to sleep.
A/N: Angst!
But there was so much of it at first that I was like...edit...okay happy ending there we go.
Review and let me know what you thought/how you felt/improvements, etc. Thank you!
I loves you all. 3000+ words ftw!