(A/N: How'd we get to the 36th episode already? Gosh, I remember writing the first episode. It seems like it was only two months ago. Oh wait...

Spades- I'm not going to say I'm not taking suggestions, but if someone just happens to give me a suggestion, there's nothing I can do to stop them. If one of those suggestions ends up in an episode, it isn't my fault. This TOTALLY was never intended to be interactive in ANY way. *whistles innocently*)

Episode 36: Smudge, Thunderstar, Jayfeather

"Hello and welcome to the world's greatest television program- Win a Date with Nightcloud!"
Leafpool meowed cheerfully. "Who wants to know what happened to Bramblestar on the latest segment of 'Doing Stuff to Toms while They're Unconscious'? Well, Mallow certainly did put him in a pink shirt that read 'I Luv Mallow', then she put a fancy fake handlebar mustache on his face, a red bow tie around his neck, and a purple fez on his head. The photos are all over PawBook for you to see. The poor tom was quite embarrassed when he saw them and Squirrelflight is apparently very angry with him. Now let's hear it for your host- Nightcloud!"

The black she-cat padded onto the stage, flicking her tail happily. "And our date went very well, too! I love making she-cats mad when I date their mates. It's so much fun."

Leafpool laughed. "Just so long as you never date Crowfeather."

"I won't," Nightcloud promised solemnly. "I won't ever go near him again."

"Good. He's mine," the announcer meowed.

"And Ashykins is mine!" Tansy reminded them.

The host nodded. "You two might be in committed relationships, but I most certainly am not. That's why I'm running a date show. Let's hear who our victims are today!"

Leafpool glanced down at a pink notecard she was holding. "Today's guests are Smudge, Thunderstar, and Jayfeather!"

The three toms padded onto the stage, two of them looking quite grumpy.

"Do I have to be on again?" Jayfeather grumbled, sitting on the green chair closest to Nightcloud. "I really really hate being on the show."

"Cloudstar was right," Thunderstar growled, sitting in the chair next to Jayfeather. "You treat guests horribly! Those cold steel cages are so cold! And there were no snacks to much on! And that big ragged tabby poked me with an authentic Spartan spear! Where'd he even get that? It hurt!"

Nightcloud smiled evilly. "I'll never reveal where Brokenstar gets his things for his collection of random items. Firestar would just go and shut that place down. And besides, then everybody would want to go and get random things, so there would be less for Brokenstar. Anyway, what are these boys playing for, Leafy?"

'Leafy' read another pink notecard. "Today's prize is a date with Nightcloud at IHOP- International House of Prey, brought to you by Clans and Tribes United."

"Mmmmmm….food!" Smudge meowed, rubbing his belly.

Nightcloud shuffled her stack of notecards. "Okay! Let's start the game! Maybe we'll actually have time to ask four questions. For some reason we have a bad habit of not getting through four questions like we plan to. Anyway, question one is: Who is the most attractive tom on the planet?"

Smudge looked confused. "I'm not sure. The answer has always been Berrynose in the past, but you seem to like Scourge a lot, too."

"I never said Scourge was attractive. I said he needed to feel the love," Nightcloud reminded him.

"I'll say Berrynose," Thunderstar meowed.

"Berrynose," Jayfeather sighed.

The host sighed dreamily. "It'll always be Berry-boy…"

Leafpool drew two pink tally marks on her whiteboard. "Thunderstar and my darling little boy each have a point!"

"Mom!" Jayfeather groaned. "Please don't embarrass me today!"

"It's my job," the scorekeeper mewed. "What's the point of having kids if I can't embarrass them?"

Nightcloud nodded. "I love embarrassing Breezepelt." She paused, looking troubled. "Maybe that's why he moved to the mountains…"

"I'm sure it was," the blind guest muttered.

The host blinked a tear away as she thought of her son. "Anyway, question two is: What's your favorite game?"

Smudge answered first. "Pie eating contests! I know it's not technically a game, but it's a competition, so it should count."

"I love pie!" Nightcloud meowed, cheering up. "I say it counts."

Jayfeather replied next. "My favorite game is haunting my enemies in their dreams! It's not a game for them, but it's a game for me! Take that, Breezepelt!"

"Hey! Don't bother my baby!" the host cried, throwing one of her notecards at the guest.

"He's a horrible brother. He deserves to have the occasional nightmare," Jayfeather shrugged.

Nightcloud looked over at her scorekeeper. "Can't you do anything?"

"Isn't Jay-jay darling?" Leafpool gushed.

"You're no help," the host sighed. "Thunderstar, what's your answer?"

The ginger tom thought for a moment. "My favorite game is Monopoly. I really ought to get a point for this round, since I'm the only one who actually named a real game."

"You are getting a point," Nightcloud informed him, "but so is Smudge because I like pie."

Leafpool drew more tally marks. "Now the score is: two points for Thunderstar, one point for Smudge, and one point for the sweetest little boy on the planet!"

"But Breezepelt isn't here…" the host meowed, obviously confused.

"She meant me," Jayfeather informed her, looking annoyed.

"Yep!" Leafpool mewed.

Nightcloud shook her head. "Breezepelt is sweeter than Jayfeather. Question three: If StarClan ordered you to kill me, would you do it?"

Smudge shook his head. "I don't believe in StarClan, so no. You get to live."

"StarClan would only order someone to kill you if you deserved it," Jayfeather meowed. "They wouldn't order the death of an innocent cat. If StarClan wanted you dead, then you must have done something really bad- worse than Brokenstar bad. If that's the case, then yes, I'd kill you."

"Same here," Thunderstar meowed. "StarClan wouldn't want an innocent cat to die, so if they want you dead then you aren't an innocent cat and deserve to die."

Nightcloud sighed loudly. "Why is the only one with the correct answer the one who doesn't believe in StarClan? Smudge gets the point!"

"Smudge and Thunderstar each have two points and my little angel has one!" Leafpool announced, doodling a picture of her grandkits rolling in some flowers.

"We have a tie!" the host meowed. "That means our fourth question is our tie-breaker question. On a scale of one to ten, how attractive am I?"

Jayfeather sighed. "From what I've seen of you in my dreams, you're very pretty. But you're insane, which makes you less attractive. I'll give you a six."

Smudge shook his head. "I'll say an eight. You're just a little too skinny for my taste, Nightcloud. I like cats with meat on their bones."

"I'm not skinny! I'm eleven pounds!" Nightcloud exclaimed. "I'm the perfect weight- not too thin, but not too fat."

"That's right," Thunderstar meowed. "You look wonderful. Smudge is overweight, and that isn't healthy or attractive."

"I'm not overweight!" the kittypet hissed. "I'm only seventeen pounds, and most of it is muscle!"

The first ThunderClan leader shook his head. "I'm fifteen pounds, and I'm all muscle. You are fat. Look at the way your belly jiggles when you talk! It's sickening."

"Will someone just say I'm a ten already?" Nightcloud sighed.

"Fine," Thunderstar meowed. "You're a ten."

"Thank you!"

Leafpool shook her head, stifling a quiet laugh. "That means Thunderstar finishes with three points! He's the winner of this episode!"

"Yay!" he cheered.

Suddenly Brokenstar came running onto the stage and whacker Smudge with a can of Axe body spray. "No one says Nightcloud is too skinny and gets away with it!"

"That's right!" the host said, folding her paws across her chest.

Smudge ducked out of the security guard's way. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Nightcloud's the perfect weight."

Brokenstar nodded, satisfied with Smudge's apology. "Good. We forgive you. But I'm still going to whack you with this body spray because I'm evil."

"Reformed, dear," Tansy reminded him.

"Reformed…evil…same thing," the tabby tom shrugged, raising his paw to whack Smudge again.

The camera-cat hovered her paw over the power button on her camera. "That's it for this show, folks! Tune in next time to see Smudge learn not to talk about a she-cat's weight!"