Notes: Here's a lot to chew on while I'm away! This chapter has DEFINITELY been the most fun to write for Watakushi! I've been really looking forward to the actual shadow confrontation... But there are some super fun parts in this, and those are kinda my favorite.

NEWS! Today I'm OFFICIALLY adding the Nanako/Teddie tag! It's kind of been building in that direction, and I think Nanako knows and is cool with it, and Teddie's figuring it out—He'll get a push tomorrow from somewhere I find semi-unexpected. Let's see how it turns out! (Because the scene referenced in today's chapter I'm now redoing tomorrow's! DON'T EVEN CARE. NO REGRATS! WORTHIT! OMG GONNA BE BEARIFFIC!)

[***And FYI don't be concerned: I'm not writing explicit stuff about them and seriously you even think Ted knows what that literally means? lol***]

Chapter Nine: Learning

(Tohru)

The next visitor is planned, but the knock at the door still makes us jump. "I got it," I assure Ryoutarou, walking to unlock it myself this time.

Heh. Made me a good trade, but I don't like how powerful she is...

I open the door to a sullen Kubo. At least this one I can take fairly—Or overpower.

"Hello," I say, holding up a hand.

Goals—What can I learn and how much can I trust this one?

The kid gives me a forced smile and steps inside, kicking off his ratty sneakers. I hear the glass door slam and know Ryoutarou went outside. Easier for me.

I lead Kubo to the living room and press mute on the TV remote. He places a large paper bag on the table and I hand him the cash.

"Thanks~" I say, slapping on a smile. "Knew we could work something out!"

Kubo eyes me warily. "So what's the situation here?" he asks, drumming his fingers on the tabletop.

I take my time inspecting the games he brought me before I answer. Let him wait.

"Well," I dramatically sigh. "Some of us retained our powers—Though I'm guessing you didn't." Kubo nods, looking peeved at that. Good. "We're tying up some loose ends right now—Private business... But I'm hoping when it's over we won't need to bother with all this again."

That's probably not true. Hasn't been the pattern thus far...

Kubo seems to buy it. "Okay," he says. "So what's the story with the little shadow?"

"He was trying to get my persona to reawaken—Said it's better to keep it for protection." Mostly true.

"I see." After that comment, he's quiet for a while, just watching me tear into my new stuff.

"You, uh, play any of these?" I ask.

He just keeps staring like he wants me to talk or something.

Kubo nods. "Yeah. You'll like the new Danganronpa. I played it straight through on a weekend..." The corners of his mouth lift in an bitter smile. "You know how it is—Nothing else to do."

"Y-yup~" I catch my faltering and turn it into a happier sound at the end, showing off my practiced smile again. "So boring around here!"

"Hah, yeah," Kubo agrees. "Don't know why I came back..."

I scratch my head, genuinely unsure how to reply. "We-well," I begin. "You know what they say—The devil you know and all that!"

He smiles a tired, but more honest, smile this time. "Yeah."

And I feel like maybe I get him a little bit—

Hmm...

Damn—Do I really want to?

...

I do...

"You like any multiplayer games? Like Tekken or rhythm games and stuff?" I ask, trying to sound offhand. Kubo nods. "Then come back sometime when it's just me, okay?"

"Sure," Kubo replies, sounding a little more like a kid. "But why do you hang around with the cop anyway?"

"Ehh," I reply, toying with the charger. "Friendships are weird..."

Kubo chuckles—He really has a deep voice. "Tell me about it! Well, I'll head out then... Let me know."

"I will," I say and mean it, feeling my own expression turning more real. I follow him to the front door to lock it. Then I rap on the glass door to let Ryoutarou know he's gone before I plug in my new system.

"Happy with yourself?" he asks, grinning at me as he walks back inside.

I grimace, feeling guilty for being friendly to Kubo. "I think so."

"Good." Ryoutarou takes a seat on the couch and opens a book while I take the plastic wrap off everything.

Then—Out of fucking left-field—

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" he asks me.

"With you," I forcefully form the words without even thinking. Then I consider what else to add. "Here... With a job?" I scratch my face. "Yeah! That sounds good~" I laugh uncomfortably.

He gazes at me. "Mm-hmm. What about in ten?"

"Years?" I can feel myself start to sweat—Don't have an answer.

I know I said I'd try planning more, but...

That's a fucking long time!

Ryoutarou nods his head sincerely and I try to form words. "Eeh—Er—Same? I mean... If that's o-okay..."

Dammit—Now I feel self-conscious. I just had to make it sound like I was asking permission. I hiss out a sigh and look over at Ryoutarou to try and guess what he's thinking.

He looks pensive. "Yes..." he tentatively replies. "Ah, maybe we'd move, but..."

"Move?" I question. "Move where?" I wouldn't have thought of that.

"The house is a bit big for two people," he remarks.

I shrug. "I guess. How long do you think Nanako will want to live at home?"

Ryoutarou frowns and shakes his head. "I don't know. Most move out these days. And—" he grinds his teeth, looking away and clearly trying to spit something out. "I th-thought you might want us to pick our o-own house."

"Y-yeah?" I ask, scratching at my head. I suddenly don't know what to do with my hands. His freaking shyness is catchy sometimes. I squirm, inching closer to him. "I'd like that," I honestly tell Ryoutarou.

He smiles and slings his arm around my shoulders, pulling to lean on him. I feel myself smiling a little, too. Like there's 'happy' spreading out from my core. I can't say I've had something quite like this before.

I glance up at Ryoutarou, knowing it's because of him. He stares back, a question behind his eyes—As if he's not positive I like his idea.

"I want that," I murmur.

He grins and kisses the top of my head, a gesture I find annoying so I try to squirm away. Ryoutarou just laughs and holds me tighter. I grumble and halfheartedly struggle because he always finds that funny—Me trying to get away—As of there's somewhere else I'd rather be—

But I wouldn't tell him that.

And I think at this point he knows.

I get pulled into a hug that's pretty one-sided cause I can't hug with my back. I sit there and huff, feeling like some animal that's been picked up wrong.

Of course that elicits another chuckle, which makes Ryoutarou start getting touchy. He slides his hand underneath my sweatshirt and rests it on my side like all he wants is to be able to touch me.

I like that feeling, too. Like being around me is a privilege. I don't care of the rest of the world is shit if I can feel like I belong all the time.

I lean back more, and tip my head up, letting myself look needy instead of just feeling like I want everything—Need everything.

I don't like this showing. It feels too open.

Like I have nowhere to hide.

Ryoutarou can read my face well enough and returns my dark expression with another of his new smiles—One of the ones that looks like he's satisfied and not just a ball of unhappiness that's simply less angry for one moment.

He loosens his grip on my so I can turn around and lean up to kiss him. I can see he's still smiling with his eyes as he returns it, lightly pressing a hand to the middle of my back to pull me even closer.

Soon I'm leaning on him more than I planned, practically pushing his head into the top of the top of the couch. I move to back away, but Ryoutarou only snickers and sits up straighter.

"You're fine, Tohru."

I feel my mouth quirk into a frown, knowing it hasn't always been 'fine' when I move without thinking.

He clears his throat. "You, ah, want to..." he tails off.

Sure I 'ah, want to...'

I smirk and move in for another kiss, reaching down to touch him. He lets out a groan and fumbles his hand under the back of the sweatshirt, suddenly in a rush to just get it off. I can't help laughing at how soupy his mind goes when I so much as touch his bottom half, even through his clothes.

Then I have to hold my arms up because he's yanking it over my head whether I'm in the right position or not. I roll my eyes and snicker while he rips off his own shirt.

I smile sadly, running my hands over his shoulders. "Sorry," I mutter, sighing.

He shrugs, grinning crookedly and locking eyes with me. "You're telling the truth this time?" I nod, unsure where he's going. "I pushed you... It's alright." He says the last part so gently I feel like my heart's smashing.

Why do you always make me feel these awful, weird emotions?

I don't like them.

I don't...

I do...

But they hurt .

All you're doing is slowly rubbing my back and telling me 'it's alright' and I feel like my insides are seizing up.

I try to fall back to sit on my feet, but he doesn't let me go. Ryoutarou sighs contentedly and hoists me forward to lean him and I don't want to. I don't deserve it.

"Oi..." I hear him say. "Stop it—Don't do that... It's okay—I love you..."

I let out a sharp noise, and squeeze my eyes shut.

Too much to think about...

"—o I don't."

My eyes snap open. "What?" I whisper, shocked.

Ryoutarou yanks me away as his eyes search the room, trying to find the source of noise, clearly not realizing that—

"It's—!" I yawp.

He looks back to me and shakes his head, muddled half-words dying at the back of his throat—Looking like someone slapped the shit out of him for no reason.

"—ot tru—" We both freeze as the words come in and out, sounding like someone pissed yelling through a bad connection. "—ying! You're n—me."

Ryoutarou digs his nails into my back and I sit completely still, straining to listen better. "Wh-where is...?" he quietly asks me.

I nod, placating, and hold a finger to my lips.

"—ould never—a—"

I shake my head—

And how does he not hear it? "It sounds just like—"

"—iece of shit like you!"

Ryoutarou gulps air. "That's me!"

"Not good," I mutter and jump to my feet. We don't hear it again, but I pace the room, thinking. Ryoutarou quickly puts his shirt back on and throws me mine.

'Naga,' I concentrate. 'What's it like up there?'

'Only me. But there was a disturbance. Someone speaking.'

'...need me. You need me. YOU NEED MEYOUNEEEE'

I shake my head and sharply box my own ear, trying to get rid of the useless noise.

'Sorry. That was definitely from inside?' I ask.

The inference kicks up again, an unabating screech—

'EEEEDDDDDMEEEEEEEEEE'

'Yes.' Naga.

'Okay. As long as nothing comes out, we're good.'

'YYYYYOOOOOUUUUUUUNNNNEEEEEEEE—'

"Urgh! Shut up!" I crouch down and smack my head again.

When I climb back to my feet, Ryoutarou is next to me, looking concerned. "Tohru...?" he asks, nervous.

I wave him off. "I'm fine. It's nothing... And nothing's coming out. We're still good to wait till tomorrow."

'A hand!' I hear Naga gasp.

"Whoo," I sigh. "Fuck! Maybe I spoke too soon—" I dash up the stairs, with Ryoutarou at my heels. I rip the lock free, yanking on the door an instant later.

Inside my room, Naga is waving his spear at a large, human hand. It looks like it's trying to grab onto something—anything—for purchase!

I dive for the couch, tugging my favorite Nambu from underneath. I'm back on my feet in an instant aiming at the familiar hand.

"Let it go," I yell, and Naga backs off, changing its stance to defensive. "Black Frost!"

'...eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee...'

The demon leisurely rolls in through the window as the noise fades out again. "Ho!" it squeaks. "Hooo no!" He shakes his head. "It really won't be a shadow for much longer, hoo..."

"Huh?!" I gawk, completely lost. "What does that mean?! How could—" I pause, squeezing off a round at the television and watching as it gloops in, making an unearthly sound as it passes through the 'screen'. The hand stills for a beat, then slams itself down on the bottom of the window, trying to pull its body through. "But that's—" I shake my head in disbelief. "Can it get through?"

Black Frost shakes his head, floating closer and pointing to where the hand is struggling, veins bulging. "Can't pull itself up, see-hee?"

I walk closer to the TV and grit my teeth together, knowing my face must look grim.

That hand...

"You didn't mean my worlds." My eyes flick between Ryoutarou and the small demon. "You meant one of our worlds..." I grunt and gesture to myself and Ryoutarou.

"Hee," it vocalizes, sounding irritated. "As I said, ho!"

I tear my gaze between Ryoutarou the demon—Can see both look anxious. "And you said it's not a shadow because..." I hold my hands on both the side of my head, trying to concentrate.

After reaching a conclusion—a bad conclusion—I turn back to the TV and motion behind my back for Ryoutarou to leave. He does, but doesn't close the door all the way, standing still and trying to listen in.

"You two stay," I order and chuff, stomping around while trying to form a plan.

I exit and do close the door all the way this time, sliding the lock home. I grab Ryoutarou's arm and drag him into the bathroom, shutting the hallway door and walking all the way to the shower room; closing that one as well. I pace for a minute, aggravated and unable to stop aggressively scratching at my head.

I turn to Ryoutarou after calming down a little. "We've got a problem."

He nods, concluding that was the case.

"We need to move on your shadow ASAP. It's changing." He tentatively nods again, not knowing what that means. I wave my hands around, trying to articulate something. "Don't go in my room again. We'll keep it locked from the outside and I told you—Nothing that big could crawl out of the tiny TV downstairs, so we don't need to worry about that one—Though it can listen. So don't say anything important... Anywhere near a TV, really."

I yank out my mobile to shoot off a text to Nanako and Teddie, saying to keep their yaps shut about absolutely everything when they're in the vicinity of a television.

"Anything I can do?" Ryoutarou nervously asks.

I huff, pacing and grumbling. "Well I was going to have you watch some of the tapes, but I don't want to show it my hand..." I thump the wall. "We really have to wait until Saturday?" I demand.

"That's what Kanji said," Ryoutarou reminds me.

"I'm giving him a call," I growl, finding his contact. He picks up on the first ring. "Bad news central!" I sarcastically spit.

"Adachi," he moans. "What now?"

I start pacing again, unable to stand still. "It's trying to get out of the TV. We should move now. It's trying to change itself—We shouldn't wait."

"Huh?" the boy asks me, lost.

I groan loudly. "It's reacting to the—It's a long story!" I snap, holding my head. "In short, Teddie was right—Also it's trying to be like Teddie." This is so complicated! "Argh! It's trying to find the piece stuck in Ryoutarou and I think—" I cut myself off as I hear the voice in my head get louder again, roaring at me.

'YOU THINK? Idiot! I told you it's the piece I smartly jammed in there! Just let—'

"Okay! Was definitely me," I admit, getting better at tuning it out after getting what I needed. "And that's definitely what it's looking for."

"You can't hold it off till morning at least? Yuki was insistent—"

I can't help roaring at Kanji in my frustration. "It is trying to get out of the goddamn television for fucks' sake! Have you ever seen that before—A hand reaching out of the TV? It's like The-Godforsaken-Ring but with a full-grown, muscular adult who will literally tear me limb-from-goddamn-limb!" I pause for a second—seething—and not receiving a response. "No? Nothing?!" I stop again to catch my breath. "Well then if we're waiting, you can get your goddamn ass over here and help out!"

"He doesn't have to..." Ryoutarou starts, looking guilty.

"You shut up!" I wheel on him. Ryoutarou backs away holding up his hands and I sigh and try to swallow my anger—Need to bite it back so I can speak clearly. "We might need the help."

"Ah," Kanji mutters. "I can be there in an hour—I need to work till then. That gonna be all right?"

"Sure!" I grumble, jamming the 'end' button. "...Sorry," I absently mumble to Ryoutarou. He rolls his eyes and pats my back. "This is bad... Let's take this party downstairs. They'll be home soon... Lot to do..."

#

After dinner and bringing the others up to speed, I tap Nanako on the shoulder. "I've got to talk to you about something."

She nods and we slip out the front door and amble into the yard. I've got another hunch—And I've got to let her know.

"Wait for me!" I hear as Captain Chatty rushes out the door behind us, looking less upbeat than usual. He's been furtively glancing at Nanako all night, looking like he's waiting for her to yell at him for something—And by 'furtively' I mean 'obvious to everyone else'.

"You might be helpful," I grudgingly admit, eyeing the boy. I fold my arms and look at the kids. "At least Ted knows Elizabeth, right?"

The boy nods eagerly. "She's super helpful! Super bear-liable!" He breaks out in his first grin of the evening. "Did you see her?!"

"Well yeah," I reply. "That's the only thing I haven't told you yet..." I turn to Nanako. "Has anyone strange approached you? Like with yellow eyes? Or lookin' like an albino?"

"No..." She shakes her head, confused.

"I don't think she knows Elizabeth," Teddie tells me, holding up his hands. "But you'd like her, Nana-chan! She's really funny!"

"Oh yeah!" I snort. "Real fucking laugh riot... She barged in today and we nearly crapped ourselves! Unlocked the door with her fucking mind and walked right into the damn house!" I grumble. "She mentioned something about 'another Fool' and said it was a 'her'—That she'd 'hoped to meet her', like she thought she'd find this person in the house, too."

Teddie's eyes practically pop out of his head! "It could be Nanako! It could be Nanako! Like Sensei!" He's still cheering and waving his arms around like he doesn't know how to react, but like its something that needs a lot of energy.

"Geez! Yeah... All right all right!" I brush off his over-excitement and turn back to Nanako. "It could be really good for you, or it could be a fuckload of trouble!" I grab the boy's head to make him stand still. "That's why I was trying to tell her calmly. Good job, Bear!" I groan and scratch my head.

"Why would it ever be a bad thing?" Teddie asks, clueless.

"And what does that mean?" Nanako breaks in, not entirely in the know.

I sigh. "Well if you go about it the right way it means there's something you'll need to fix or to stop. Angry humans and gods on rampages... You know by now most of the stuff with your cousin—He had a hell of a time... It was..." I trail off. "Y-you know!" I spit, flustered. "Taking care of everything."

—Everything I fucked up.

"That's fine," she earnestly tells me, shrugging one shoulder. "I'd like that—Protecting my town like Big Bro!"

"Nnh!" This is exasperating! "Just make sure you know what you're doing—Talk to your stupid cousin if you have to. Just make sure you have all the information."

I sigh to myself and walk back in the house. I can't do anything if she's already practically made her decision—That whole family so frigging stubborn!

The living room reaches new levels of uncomfortableness after that...

Ryoutarou and Kanji are rolling out futons on the tatami, and there are pillows and blankets on the couch... I thought Kanji was gonna put theirs down here and we'd stay upstairs...

Oh boy...

"We're..." I start, and the two men look over at me. "All sleeping down here?"

"Go sleep in your room if you got a problem!" Kanji barks.

"Have you seen the size of a naga?" I grumble.

Teddie is already bouncing off the walls, jumping around the room. At least someone's happy. "It's like a sleepover!" he exclaims. "I love sleepovers! Couch! Couch!" he hollers.

"Nanako gets the couch," Ryoutarou admonishes, not even bothering to look at the kid.

"I can share!" the boy foolishly declares and I can't help bursting out in a laughing fit.

He's gonna get decked before morning...

And now Ryoutarou's looking at him—Like he's going to fucking murder him.

Teddie doesn't even bat an eye—Can't be bothered to notice things like people reacting to him in a bad way. He just goes ahead with his plan and sticks pillows at both ends with a blanket in the middle—Throwing everyone else's pillows to the floor without a care. "I'm a good guard-bear!" he proclaims.

Kanji collects the other pillows without otherwise getting involved. Guess he's at least smarter than that.

"That's fine," Nanako yawns. "I do feel safe with him around." She climbs on one end of the couch with a book.

"But—But—" Ryoutarou splutters, losing ground before he can even speak. Teddie's already rolling the fourth futon back up to toss it into the other room. It's a sloppy mess, of course—But it isn't like I'd do any better.

I snicker again, choosing the futon left in the middle. I slide it closer to Ryoutarou's and kick Kanji's away when no one's looking.

It's too quiet. I can tell the kids are getting tired... Teddie's head keeps drooping and it makes Nanako giggle. When he finally announces that it's his bedtime I roll my eyes—I'd seen it miles away.

"I'm gonna fall asleep..." Teddie yawns loudly. "G'night~"

We all tell him 'goodnight' back. I see him nudge Nanako with his foot.

The boy beams and says one more specifically to her. "Goodnight, Nana-chan! Sleep well~"

"Thanks, Teddie," she smiles really nice and kind at him. "You, too."

He taps her foot excitedly. "I love you~!" he happily tells her, his bleary face looking like it's going to explode from emotions nonetheless. "I love all of you!" he addends, looking at each of us and sounding like he means both statements truthfully—But five-hundred percent in that specific order.

"I love you too; we all do," she easily replies and laughs. And he's all smiles as he lays down and nestles under the blanket. He's out like a light—I'm not exaggerating when I say that I don't think it takes even a minute!

But his honesty and truthfulness make me more alert. I feel uncomfortable—Itchy and worried inside.

Nanako marks her book and snuggles under the sheet, too. She looks content...

That he's able to so innocently—yet so honestly—say something like that and mean it! And completely spur-of-the-moment, from the looks of it!

I can't do it at all...

And he's only been alive for a little over five years!

It's...

...Really...

...Amazing.

I shake my head: suddenly very, very jealous of the dumb-but-seemingly-charmed boy. When I look at the others' reactions, not even Ryoutarou seems fazed to have heard him say it so openly—Which surprises me because he usually gets irritated when the kid is so clingy to his daughter...

But you know...

She could do a load worse! He's one of the most—no, he is the most—caring, truly hopeful, and determined people I've ever come across. He's genuinely who he is—Doesn't need to work at being nice or understanding. He just is.

I wish I could be more like that...

To think that I could be so implicitly trusting and downright happy-go-lucky about more things and people—

That it were easier for me to express how I feel in a way that can be understood so simply—

In a way that isn't awkward and doesn't to be clarified.

So Nanako and Teddie do indeed sleep toe-to-toe on the couch—They're out before eleven. And fuck—I've never heard such a skinny kid snore so loudly!

And Kanji and I have decided ourselves—through 'discussion'—that the rest of us will stay up all night to be on the lookout. Together.

Kanji doesn't trust me.

But I'm not leaving this to him.

If Ryoutarou fucking falls asleep on us, forget the shadow I'll freaking kill him myself...

Of course after about twenty minutes of silence, Ryoutarou doesn't even try to pretend he's staying awake. I lay on my stomach, playing one of my new games while Kanji pretends to read and not be interested... But I see him sneaking looks when it makes dramatic noises. I try to hide my smirk and see him frown.

"I can get something from upstairs, if you want~" I glibly chant.

"I'm fine," the punk replies, sticking his head further into whatever crap magazine he's pulled out now.

I set down the game. "Uh-huh. Don't fall asleep, now~"

"Shut up, Tohru," Ryoutarou mumbles. "At least try to get along..."

That makes Kanji throw me a shit-eating grin. I glare.

Not having that!

I turn the volume up loud enough that he can hear everything, but not too loud to wake the kids who are further away or get yelled at by Ryoutarou—Who's maybe going a little deaf. I enjoy it until the battery dies. Then I huff and crawl over to the wall to plug it in again.

When I finally look around, I notice that now the kid's knitting! And Ryoutarou's completely out. And now there are two people snoring like fucking foghorns.

I could wake someone or badger Kanji.

Choices...

"Picked up any new hobbies yet?" I gibe at Kanji, knowing he's mostly just bluster. "I thought knitting was for old grannies~"

"It's crocheting, dumbass," he rebukes me.

I shrug. "Am I supposed to know the difference?"

Kanji shoots me a look, but doesn't reply.

He's more patient than he used to be. That's no fun...

And now I'm bored...

I sit quietly and watch Kanji form a cylindrical shape with the yarn. "What're you making?"

"A bear," he replies after a time.

"But it's red..."

Kanji glances up, a sharp look in his eyes. "So? There a law that say bears can't be red?" he challenges.

"Whoa~" I hold up my hands. "Just asking!"

"Nn."

...

...

Quiet...

"So why's it red?" I ask.

Kanji sighs, slipping the hook out to tie it off. He glances at the kids. "I wanted to use some of the yarn Ted dyed. The color's too uneven, but he tried hard. So I'm making him a bear." He shrugs. "He does his best."

"Yeah..."

"You be nice to him," Kanji chides. "I mean it. I know he was over here earlier helping you. If you hurt any of them I'll beat the crap out of your ass." He says it in a tired voice, but I know he means it.

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah..."

"I'm serious. We're working together now, but I don't see a reason to trust you."

"Not even that they trust me?" I gesture to the sleeping people.

Kanji looks pensive, as though he's trying to gather his thoughts. "Did you do it?" he asks me. "Did you kill those two guys in your block?"

I feel myself tense. "And why would you think that?" I defensively reply.

"Gut feeling," he admits.

"I took care of myself—That's all I'll say."

The boy stares me down. "Don't pull that shit here, okay? Give me your word as a man."

"Sure," I laugh. "But I've been doing well, haven't I?"

Kanji shakes his head. "We're not even through the first week of your time back and we're already camped out in the friggin' living room to make sure nothing comes to attack us. I don't want any more of this crap."

"Technically it's Friday now—That's a week~"

"Ooh no!" Kanji hisses. "This started the other day. You don't get to call it a week."

I wave my hand, like it's beneath bothering with. "All the same to me..."

"I'm telling you it isn't."

"And I'm saying you're wrong~"

"Hoo..." Kanji grumbles, placing the bear's body on his futon. He stands to get a glass of water. "You can go to sleep, Adachi. I've got this."

No way. I wanna know what the monster in my head's thinking...

"It's not a big deal!" I smile and fold my arms behind my head. "Like a sleepover, as Teddie said~"

"Sleepover in hell..." I hear him mutter.

I cup my hand to my ear. "I he~ard that~" I sing a little too loudly.

"Shut up..." Ryoutarou sleepily mumbles throwing his arm in my general direction. "...noisy..." I lean over to pick it up, shoving it back to his futon, rolling my eyes.

Kanji snickers, choking on his water. "You heard the old man!" he snickers when he recovers.

I just don't get it...

"What do you get out of all this, Kanji-kun?" I finally question—Meaning it.

He stares at me stupidly, but I'm not buying it. "Out of what...?"

"This—" I wave my hand around, jumping up to move closer so I can speak more quietly. "Playing the tough guy and protecting everybody."

He squishes up his face. "Same as you, I think..."

I groan. "Then humor me. What do you think I get out of it, huh?" I know I'm sounding aggressive, but can't bite it back this time. I don't get him.

"Uhh..." Kanji vocalizes, scratching his neck. "I like helping my friends... It's fun?"

"Sure," I snort. "This is fun~"

He frowns. "I like that I can help. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. That's the worst."

I tentatively nod. That part is true...

"Whatever," I sigh.

I her Kanji's phone ding and wonder who the hell would still be up. I can see the clock and it's almost four.

"Ah yeah!" Kanji quietly whoops, pumping his fist.

"What're you so happy about, meathead?"

He frowns, but then lightens up and waves me off. "They're gonna come in on the first train! Rise was able to take off earlier."

"'They'?" I repeat.

Kanji grins this time. "It's supposed to be a surprise, but Kanami-chan is coming too! She got the okay to skip out with Rise for a few days!"

I shake my head, clicking my tongue. "And who's that?"

"C'mon!" Kanji insists. "Mashita Kanami! Kanamin!" I shrug. "Kanamin Kitchen, man! You gotta know them! She visits every once in a while—Nanako loves her!"

I fold my arms and walk back out to the kitchen, where he's still looking stupidly happy. "Back up a bit. I'm not getting the connection."

"Huh?" the idiot voices. "I know she still talks to Ojisan and Nanako. She's really close with them—They spent a few intense days together during the Ai Meets Kizuna Fes—" Kanji cocks his head to the side, looking so stupid. "You really don't know about this? There were shadows and gods and everything!"

"It sounds like something I should know about!" I retort, feeling my face twitching. "So why don't you fill me in, Kanji!"

"Aah..." the kid backs up, looking less sure of himself. He does that annoying thing where he scratches his neck.

"I'm waiting!"

"Keep it down, you two morons!" Ryoutarou hisses, sounding more awake than earlier.

Kanji's face lights up in a relieved way. "Oi, Ojisan—You can explain it all to him if you're up. About Kanami-chan and Nanako and the dancing and—" he stops midway, looking confused. "What? You want me to tell 'im...? Or..." He squints across the room.

I sigh at his denseness and whip around in time to see Ryoutarou still violently slicing hand his across his throat, silently urging Kanji to shut the hell up. I give him a withering look and he lets out a groan, smacking his forehead.

I stare at him pointedly. "Someone better start talking because this has just been upgraded to have-to-know priority."

"Let's go outside," Ryoutarou grumbles. "I know you're going to start screeching..."

"What?" I shoot back, suspicious.

"Like that," he replies. "Pour me a cup of coffee." Ryoutarou yawns and goes out through the glass door.

Kanji watches in shock as I pull an uncapped—probably flat—half-empty bottle of cola out of the fridge and dump the rest of it into the mostly-full coffee carafe. "Sure, I'll get you a goddamn cup of coffee..."

"Are you sure you—" I glare at Kanji and he shuts up. I dump in extra sugar from the cabinet—or flour or whatever. I don't bother to read the label. Who knows? Could be goddamn baking soda.

Guess we'll find out in a minute...

I carry the coffee outside, smiling genuinely. I hand it to him and walk out onto the patio—Out of reach.

"Thanks," Ryoutarou sighs and takes a sip. He immediately spits it out, making a gagging sound. "What the fu—" he manages before he makes another choking noise and spits on the ground a few more times, grimacing. "Dammit, Tohru!"

Ryoutarou sniffs the concoction and groans. "What is it?" he moans, setting the cup on the ground.

"Ooh, right! You don't like sugar!" I sneer.

"That was not sugar."

I shrug. "My mistake."

He cuffs the side of my head. "Ass."

"So what's the story here?" I push.

Ryoutarou sighs. "You know who Kanami is?"

I frown. "I don't live under a rock. I had television!"

He rolls his eyes. "In all seriousness—That kid's had it tough. She saw the person she looked up to hang herself. I helped her research it and remember what happened, and Nanako really bonded with her. She writes to Nanako a lot and sends us her CDs... Calls sometimes and chats with us. She visited a few times, but not for almost a year, now... I figured I'd tell you when it came up."

He shrugs his shoulders. "Didn't know she was coming with Rise—As far as I know, she doesn't have a persona..."

"Okay. That wasn't hard, was it?" I prod.

"You can be weird about these things," Ryoutarou protests. "You act right to her—Not like with Kanji." Ryoutarou smirks. "Or Nanako'll give you hell. You know, they said she could debut if she wanted—After she was in that show. She decided against it, but as far as I know, the door's still open."

"That's..." I shake my head. "Wow. I didn't know that," I tell him.

"Mmhm. It's cute," Ryoutarou laughs. "I can hear her dancing in her room sometimes. Lot of thumping on the floor... But... I don't know why Kanami isn't like the others. Kanji's since told me there were shadows and things there, too—That Nanako was actually telling off that girl's own shadow and didn't know it. Funny how everything shakes out."

"Yeah," I agree. "But worry about your own shadow... This means you know what they're like, if you saw all that."

Ryoutarou groans. "It's going to be fine. I'm seeing this through."

"I know... It's just..." I shake my head and lean against him. "It's hard for me to feel so sure. So much of this is going to be on you, and you're doing good—really—taking it all pretty well... But it's still a lot and you're going to have to work out whatever's thrown at you on your own—And quick. It'll only be all right if you're really okay with it."

"I'll check in on what it says. We'll talk it out—All the kids have been through it."

"Kids don't know all the bad stuff out there yet—In some ways it's easier for them to admit to their faults."

He chuckles and rubs my head while I try to duck away. "You still don't trust me. Will you ever?"

"We'll see," I yawn.

"My short time getting to know Kanami—and the opportunity to watch Nanako giving something new her best... That's one of the main things that got me to go visit you for the first time. Before I had been too afraid—" Ryoutarou breaks off his sentence with a weighty sigh.

"I was... I was petrified that I wouldn't be able to talk to you—Before the Ai Meets Kizuna ordeal, I couldn't get anywhere near processing it all and I was terrified I and would wind up not being able to love you anymore or to forgive you or whatever I wanted—I-I didn't kn-know what I wanted and hadn't thought that part through! I didn't even think about what was next. I had no idea where to go from where I was."

Ryoutarou rubs the bridge of his nose and continues. "I was also scared that you'd be a shithead—which you absolutely were, for the record. I let those thoughts intimidate me. I let it all keep me away for a long time and I let myself get more and more fearful and worked-up and over-analytical..."

He pauses and doesn't look at me, but gropes for my hand in the darkness. And for once, when I feel him searching, I help him find it.

Try not to think about why—

But...

Because I know that wasn't easy for him to do—Or to tell me.

And I know I was a jackass—Still thinking I could just push him away...

One of the few—countable on a hand missing digits—meaningful relationships I've ever had.

"But look—It was like I feared: was the worst-case scenario. You were terrible—a real bastard—but I got through it and realized all I could think about for the next week was going back to see you again... I wanted to make sure you were safe and taken care of—Your broken fingers really shook me good, asshole!"

He pauses again after yelling and sighs. Squeezes my hand. "If I could do all that, I think I can confidently face my shadow. I-I don't know—c-can't imagine—what could be worse than having lost the people I've been in love with—Twice—

I hear him grinding his teeth. "Because that's what it was like, you know."

Ryoutarou stops again and groans. "I didn't think I could get through it a second time... And—" He sucks in a big breath and holds it for a minute. "And because of you I did almost lose Nanako, too—I..." He squeezes his eyes shut and grunts. "I need to say it and let it out. That made me so angry—If you hadn't helped the little bit you did—If she had died—You should know I would've killed you bare-handed."

After a bout of silence, I try speaking. "You, uh, should've killed me if she didn't come back..."

Ryoutarou groans. "Yes, but that wasn't the takeaway, moron."

I laugh a little. "I know."

"Never write me off," he concludes, saying it forcefully so I get the picture. "And I'll do the same for you." He pulls me to lean on him. "So how's that? I've been thinking it through, and I want to know if you're able say that back to me. Is it easier than love—Something you can honestly promise?"

"Yeah," I easily reply, another yawn slipping out. I'm shocked that was so easy, but it is true... "I can do that. I can give you all the chances—I-I think."

Ryoutarou smiles—I can't see it, but I know. I feel him sigh and he then pushes me to lie on his leg. "You get some sleep. It's almost time to get up and I slept for a few hours—But your damn bickering woke me up."

I don't argue. I am beat and I should be in good condition for today's mission. "Okay." I roll over to lay in a better position and dangle my feet off the stoop. "I will always give you more chances," I repeat hoping I sound more sure.

Because I think I can do that...

...Have done it so far.

I'm happy there's something I can say and find true. That it feels more like the kind of commitment that he's been so adamant about himself, but that this meets me more where I'm at—Feels less impossible.

"I still love you," he chuckles and smacks my head.

"Yeah, yeah..." I grumble, drifting off.

Other Notes: Also of importance, please know that I've gone through Watakushi and (while I didn't re-edit my mistakes because I reread it in bed last night when I couldn't sleep) I did pick out all the loose ends I need to address before the story ends... Think I got 'em all! You should know by now that I don't always write events in the order they chapter/occur, so then I end up having to work stuff back in that hasn't re-arisen "naturally". And when I push chapters so frequently, I can't go back and add stuff in. It feels too wrong for people following it to change details.

And speaking of being natural—I've played through a bit of the Arena games now, and that's why I used Elizabeth and mentioned Naoto and Mitsuru et al. I was concerned that my writing of her wouldn't be up to par because I haven't played P3 in YEARS, but no one said anything, and someone even gave me a kudo~~ I think more P3 people will show up in he future, and especially liked that Aki is some kind of government/police/SDF and Chie wants to be a cop! I'm hoping I can get things tangled. That could work SUPER WELL! BUT! I'm purposely putting off my full playthrough of P5 to focus on the stuff I already know without complicating my ideas too needlessly—I enjoy looking stuff up and drawing conclusions, and P5 has come up shockingly few times in my SMT Wiki read-throughs. Definitely less than five times. (And apparently I need to get a copy of Nocturne. I've had heavy influences from its lore.) So none of those people should show up in Mukidashite :/ For a while at least. When Watakushi is done, I plan to do Kazoku and then PROBABLY take a break on it to write something else for a while... We'll see... I DON'T want to lose steam, but also will NOT flat-out end this as long as I have new ideas, and it might be good to break and finish P5!

Once more—Thank you everyone for reading. I haven't written fiction since college, (FANfiction since junior high!) which is getting to be a long time ago. And this experience and social-linking with new people here has been absolutely exceptional! Thank you helping me to improve my skills and confidence while finding a renewed enjoyment of craft. Also discipline—I believe I've posted every day I promised, even if it was later in the day I've been sticking to the deadlines! I was never able to do that with my writing before! So thank you, from the bottom of my tiny little heart! :}

Re-Edited 6/15/17