Raphael:

"Do you wish to return to the city?" Splinter's question lingered between all of us, and I could feel the cold, sick dread and depression wash over us all in a dark, sad wave. We were drowning. We were all drowning, and we'd never tread enough water to escape this. I hated it. What was there to go back to? What was there to stay here for? I didn't know the answers, then. I still don't, really. I didn't say anything at all. Donny kept his gaze down to the floor, studying it intently, and Leo glanced around at all of us, hesitated, and then began, reasonably, "This is not a decision to make lightly."

"How is there a choice here, Master Splinter? Mikey's still gone either way." I snapped.

I knew at once that once again, I should have just kept my damn mouth shut. I wish I had, I really did. Maybe I was a bastard for thinking of life after Mikey. Maybe I just couldn't stomach more of hovering around Mikey's grave, as if we were already ghosts ourselves. Maybe I was just too tired of the whole thing. Master Splinter stood in front of us, hunched over, and old, and pleading, as he folded his shaking paws into the sleeves of his robe and bowed his head.

I heard Donny shift uneasily, as he gave me and Leo a dark and very troubled glance as if for direction or permission.

April was the first one to speak, as she cleared her throat. "I wasn't sure how to bring this up, guys…but me and Casey have to be heading back to the city soon."

Splinter looked up at her, and reached for her hand, gripping it gently between his paws. "Miss O'Neil, you and Mr. Jones have already shown us much kindness through this ordeal. Please, return to your homes, and lives in the city."

Casey glanced at April and hitched his shoulders. "Now, hold on. That doesn't mean that we're leaving tonight, or that we're just leaving you. I mean, you're family, you know?"

April nodded in agreement, and she spread her hands out to all of us. " You can stay here at the farm house for as long as you want, or Casey and I can drive you back to the Lair, or whatever you decide. I don't want you to feel pressured after everything you've been through. We can bring you groceries or whatever you need, and this place has power and water, so you wouldn't have to worry about the basics, if you want to stay."

Leo glanced at Donny and I, and answered, "Thank you, April, but I don't think that will be necessary. We need to return home."

Donny said nothing at all, but he suddenly shot to his feet, gently brushed past April, and fled the room without a backward glance.

Leo stared after him, mouth still open, as Splinter called after him, troubled. "Donatello?"

Donny didn't answer, and I heard his feet thundering across the wooden porch, as the screen door banged behind him. He was running.

Leo rose to his feet, determined to chase him down, and I stopped him with a wave of my hand.

"Take it easy, Leo. I'll go after him." I saw Leo's face contort in surprise as I started off after Donny. I wasn't sure why the hell I was going after the brainiac, but it was easier than wondering if we were staying, going, or worse yet, all of us splitting up.

I could see the dark curve of Donny's shell as he parted the waving weeds in the field, making his way towards the stump under the patch of towering oaks. I watched as he halted, dropped to his knees, and rocked back on his haunches, his neck craned straight back and angled skyward. By then, the night was filled with the chirp of all the nocturnal insects and the sound of wind scraping through the falling leaves. Despite the fact that it was early autumn, and upstate to boot, the night was warm.

Donny didn't say anything as I uneasily edged up to him, and stood, dumbly watching.

I opened my mouth, and he scowled at me with a sigh. "Why are you here, Raph?"

"You were the one who ran off, Donny."

Donny gave me a searing glare, his dark eyes narrowed and cold, as he shook his head.

"I'm alright, Raph. You really didn't need to come after me."

"Yeah? And you didn't have to run out like that, either."

"I'd really prefer to be alone right now, Raph. And I'd prefer you leave before I say something I regret."

I ignored him as I plopped down beside him, and I saw his frown deepen, as he stiffened when I folded my arms, not going anywhere.

"You can't shoot your mouth off any worse than I do, Donny."

Donny stared at me for a moment, before he curled his lip, rose to his feet, and turned on his heel to go deeper into the woods.

"Just leave me alone." He spat over his shoulder, as he stormed off. The silence that trailed after him was heavy as I stood there, stupidly, wondering if it would be worse to go after him, or just leave him alone as he so clearly wanted.

Well, hell, I was never known for my brilliance or empathy, was I?

"Damn it, Donny, wait!"

Donny halted abruptly, jerked his head around, and tilted his face towards me, showing that he was listening.

"What, Raph?" He sounded bitter and tired, as he waited for me to talk.

Good question. Damned if I had an answer that was good enough for him.

"Give me a minute, will ya? I'm not good at this sensitivity stuff."

Donny's eye ridges climbed high on his forehead in surprise as I blurted out, "Why did you run off?"

Donny's eyes slid to mine, as he pressed his lips into a thin line. "I was angry at Splinter, and I didn't want to say something that I'd regret."

I squinted at that. "Why would you be pissed off at Splinter? What does he have to do with any of this?"

"Everything!" Donny snarled out, each word as sharp as a whip lash, as he suddenly blew out a breath through his clenched teeth.

He looked at me, saw the shock twisting up on my face, and he gave me a tight, cruel smirk.

"What's the matter, Raph? Not used to somebody else being the angry one for once? I supposed this is quite a weird reversal for you, isn't it? Me storming out of the room, and you being left with the nasty job of trying to patch up the holes and trying to fix everything. I'm going to make it easy on you. Just go back to the house, and leave me alone."

By then, my temper had mercifully snapped back into good, old-fashioned anger, and gave words when dumb silence and questions didn't.

"I ain't going anywhere, not until you tell me what the hell is going on, and what the _ is wrong with you!" I growled back.

Donny just shook his head. "Trying to tell you what the hell is wrong with me would be pointless. As you pointed out, you're 'no good at this sensitivity stuff.'" Donny sneered as he wagged his fingers in the air for quotation marks.

By then, I was beyond exceedingly pissed.I sucked in a long gulp of air, and hissed it out between my clenched teeth before I was calmed down enough to actually talk, and not just pound something.

And, actually, what Donny said to me actually cut more than I would actually admit.

"Fine, Donny. Fine. I admit it, you're right. I suck at being 'sensitive, I suck at giving a damn, and I'm just here wasting my time. Let me know if I left anything out, eh? You want to be left alone?! Don't get your shell wadded up, I'm leaving!"

I roared over my shoulder as Donny just glared at me. "You really don't get it, do you?" He snarled softly.

"Get what? Why don't you just tell me what crawled up your shell and died instead of pissing around so much?!"

Donny tensed, rigid as a hunted animal, before he finally whispered, hoarsely, "If I tell you what I'm really thinking, you'd hate me, Raph. And for once, I'd have to say that I'd deserve it."

I swallowed back my shock and breathed out a long, slow breath, trying to figure out to be nice and not piss Donny off, or worse, lose him.

Donny lowered himself to the ground, folded his legs up to his plastron, and crossed his arms over his knees.

"Yeah? And what is so horrible that I'd actually hate you, Donny?"

Donny's eyes slid to mine, warily, as I flopped down in the soft grass beside him, waiting for him to sort through the muddied water of his thoughts. He must have had one hell of a confession coming up, because he kept working his mouth into an uncertain line and his fingers kept digging into his elbows, before he finally answered.

"Raph, I'm angry." He said, softly. "I'm so angry about this whole situation. I'm angry at Mikey for leaving us, even though it wasn't his fault. I'm angry that I couldn't save him, or do more. I'm so angry at the Foot that I could strangle them all with my bare hands….and, yes, Raph, I do plan on doing that. And, as sick as it sounds…I'm angry at Splinter for putting us in this situation to begin with."

The shock twisted on my face as my jaw fell open. Donny just snorted and shook his head, bitterly.

"When we were kids, we didn't have any choice in becoming ninjas. I never asked to learn how to kill, or to spend my childhood training to be a soldier. I know that you and Leo loved it, thrived on it, even. It gave Leo a purpose, it gave you an outlet for all of your rage. You two, you were made for this sort of thing, so much more than I ever was. And so much more than Mikey."

Donny raised those dark, ravaged eyes to mine. "Do you remember when we first got our weapons? You and Leo were both so excited that you started sparring together immediately. And after we had our first real training…did you know that Mikey came to my room that night crying, he was so afraid of hurting somebody, or getting killed. Maybe he had some sort of premonition, I don't know. I remember after our first battle, Mikey was so worked up that he ran away to throw up. You hear that, Raph? Our so-called goofy, nonchalant, happy go lucky brother was so scared of hurting people that he'd puke from the nerves. "