Thanks to Musicalfan2012, Reviewer with No Name 1, Ujemaima, Gyoro and Ururun, Reader123, Tricorvus, Zireael07, GirlyLinnea, Jordina, Sab756, RavenLockwood, KraZiiePyrozHavemoreFun, Rtag, TenderHeart78,Darkprince31, Narutonarutolove, Angel3of3your3nightmare, TheAngelofIego and Ranma's Girl1 for the reviews.

Warning: Just reminding everyone again that this is rated M. It's hard to say what the limit would be when it says to not be explicit with adult themes, because the definition in my Encarta Dictionary (North America) says: "portraying nudity or sexual activity in an open and direct way." I believe that to mean: Don't do porn writing. My writings about their sexual feelings to one another and even if or when I choose to have them "do the deed" will not be done in a direct way. It should not be hard to figure out what they mean or what they are doing though. I will use a lot of euphemisms when I discuss this so I can avoid getting in trouble for being explicit about sexual activity. People tend to like metaphors better because they look prettier, despite the fact that they are describing the same thing. Expect a lot of animal or inanimate objects (tigers, salt and pepper, cookie jars, etc.) references here and there when it comes to sexual feelings, thoughts and activity. A lot of sexual tension will just be subtle, skirting about the words. I will not come right out and say that they want to sleep with the other person, but it should be obvious that's what is on their minds. I am saying this so that if I suddenly start referencing Severus and Lily or their thoughts as something besides human, that's why and I hope you do not get too confused when I do this. As always, thanks for reading.

Also, edited the last chapter a little bit. Apparently when I uploaded it, my last edits had not been saved. It was minimal, but an entire line was left out, which made it a bit off at one spot. I edited late Saturday, so if you read it after that, you read the edited version. Apologies for that!

Chapter 37: Imperfectly Perfect

Lily closed her eyes, taking in the moment. She felt his hand slid across her hip. She sighed happily as his soft lips continued to touch her own. Severus slipped one of his hands to her rear. She was momentarily surprised, but did nothing to stop him. She doubted he even realized where his hand was, but even if he did know, she was not saying a word. Despite how soon it was, she sometimes felt like forgetting about how long they had been together and losing her self control to him. She had no doubt he felt the same. She wanted the real thing from him, wanted to know what it would be like. She feared it at the same time, fearing that she was expecting too much from him in her hopes that it would be an enjoyable experience. Everything else was enjoyable so far, why not the complete deal?

Remember last time. You don't want that to happen again. Be patient, wait. Lily told herself as she laid beside him. There is not a rush. She gripped his shirt at his shoulder blade as she kissed his neck. She ran her fingers through his smooth, dark hair with her other hand. Damn, she wanted him, all of him. No, take it easy, Lily. You don't want this to end up like last time. He kissed her neck, slowly rubbing her lower back near the rump. She could feel his hand ride up her shirt, his rough hand softly caressing her bare skin. But it is not the same as last time. I never felt or got this intimate with James before he wanted to stick his extra hand in the cookie jar. Severus is not James. She knew it would be different. He did not pressure her into anything, but it was still too soon. She needed more time.

Severus ran his hand over her hip and unintentionally touched his hand on her buttocks. He was ready to pull away, expecting her to snap at him for touching her there. He saw her eyes look over to where his hand was, but she averted her eyes back to where they were before quickly, looking at him. Her soft lips touched his own. It was clear that she saw no problem with the placement of his hands on her body. He slowly moved back to her hip anyway, not wanting to push it with her. He was enjoying this too much and did not want to make her uncomfortable. It was not easy. He wanted her, all of her. It wasn't quite like when they were 16 and his hormones were wild, but he still desired her. He desired her because he was in love with her and he wanted the chance to love her fully. He imagined she felt the same.

He hoped she felt the same, though part of him was convinced she could not possibly like him. Severus had convinced himself years ago that it was not possible for anyone to love him. The fact that she did still baffled him. He did not want to sound self-loathing so he never asked her, but he did indeed wonder what it was that made her desire him at all. He was not a desirable person. Lily ran her fingers over her shirt, clutching it in one hand, stroking his hair with the other. It made him even more curious each time she showed him such intimate affection. He felt he was being paranoid at times. Sometimes he wondered if she just wanted to sleep with him since it had been quite awhile since Potter had passed and he was the easiest person to get to bed. Then again, why not chose Black? Black would go at with her if she wanted, he was sure of that. Black was certainly more attractive and far more experienced than he was. Black was a lot like Potter, so why not be with someone like her ex. He was certain Potter would approve of the mutt thumping his former wife before he would ever approve of Severus making love with her. He did not care about Potter's opinion on their relationship, but he still wondered why Lily would even bother with someone like him when she had much better options. This was especially true if she just wanted a sexual relationship. Part of him hated that he dared think of her that way, only wanting one thing from him. Lily was not Potter, desperately seeking his needs that way. He knew that despite that small thought in his mind, Lily did love him. It was obvious she was in love with him. Even if he did not understand why she loved him, he knew she honestly did care about him deeply.

He ran his hand over her back, touching her bare skin. He could feel Lily's right hand slid down his back, her fingers stroking his spine through his shirt as she did so.

"You don't make this easy, you know." She spoke suddenly.

"What?" He asked with a curious expression. What was hard about what they were doing?

"I still need more time before we get to that point."

Oh. He wished she wanted to do this, but yet, it made a little nervous. She had the experience of being intimate. He did not and hoped he would not be awful at the act when it happened.

Lily watched his expressions. "Are you nervous about it?"

"No." He said.

His expression remained emotionless so she was not sure at that moment if he was lying or not. "Well, I am."

"You have experience. I don't know why you would be nervous."

She shrugged and twisted at his shirt sleeve, holding onto his left arm. "A little bit maybe." She mumbled.

"You were married to Potter for three years. You never fooled around for fun? That doesn't like Potter. I imagined he would be ready to grope at you any chance he could."

She continued to twist at his shirt and shrugged again. "Yes, he did."

"He didn't cheat on you, did he?"

"No. Not to my knowledge anyway. I don't think he did."

"Then why wouldn't you have more experience with him?"

"It's complicated."

"You don't have to tell me if you are not comfortable." He could tell by her expression that this must have been a serious issue in their marriage. She had told him that she hoped he would not be like James when it came to sexual intimacy. Lots of things ran through his mind now. Did he force her? Did he hurt her trying to get her to sleep with him? Was he abusive in that aspect? Was this the reason they had separated? He knew her libido was not low. She quite enjoys all the intimacy. Was she not really able to do the deed? No, if that was the case, she would not be so eager to want to sleep with me. She said Potter had never harmed her physically, but he still could have been abusive in some ways. Something made her nervous about sleeping with him and something had happened between her and James that made her uneasy.

"I expected it to be good, but my first time was rather awful. I was very naïve. I expected fireworks and for it to be an enjoyable experience overall. It wasn't. I should have realized it then, but I didn't. I assumed in marriage it would be better."

Severus did not answer. He just listened and continued to run his fingers along her back.

"For a good chunk of the marriage we really did not do much intimately. We often did not do anything at all. I was pregnant early on, then things were sour between us, we separated and I did not want to do anything once we got back together either. When we did do it after that, it was sporadic. He fancied himself the more experienced person and liked to be the one to initiate it and control the situation. Something I did not appreciate. It was another issue, a big issue we had in our marriage. More than me working, personality clashes, him not pulling more weight around the house or us having more children. Our emotional relationship was great at the end, but our sexual relationship? Not so much."

He wasn't sure what to say to that, but it really did not surprise him that Potter was that way. He used to fancy himself the V taker and would brag about his sexual exploits with the other girls quite often. It was a source of pride for him and Black to "take a girl's virginity." He knew he should let it go and stop thinking about Potter, but the more he learned, the less he liked. He knew Potter liked Lily, but he had always wondered if he liked her because of the person she was or if he just wanted to get her into bed with him. When they married, he had hoped the former was the case, but the more he learned, the more he thought it was the latter. He was sure that Potter probably did love Lily in the end, but it still grated on him how Potter used her to get what he wanted and to maybe even get back at him. Severus never told Lily that though. He could not prove that Potter used Lily to get back at him, but it was always in the back of his mind.

"It was part of the reason we separated. Actually, it was probably the biggest reason. I often lied and told him I was too tired or too busy to do it, even well after we got back together. It was not fun. It sounds terrible to say that I just let him do what he wanted occasionally so he would leave me alone. He enjoyed it. I never really did. Maybe I could have enjoyed it, but he liked to be dominating in the situation. I did not like it, but I let him because I feared if I did not let him sleep with me here and there, he would find someone else. I did not want to separate again. It was always a chore for me though. I wanted it to be something we enjoyed together, not something he wanted to control. We had learned to compromise on a lot of things, but he refused to give up control in the bedroom at all. Honestly, if there was one thing we would have gotten divorced over, it was that. I might have been able to eventually talk him into having one more child. He might have taken more responsibility as we got older and helped around the house, but I don't think he was willing at all to give up his dominance in that aspect of our relationship."

"For some reason, that doesn't surprise me. You do not like to be dominated. Potter was wholly unobservant to not see that about you."

She smiled. She had been willing to admit this to him finally because she had a feeling he would not be the same way. He was not the same, but that was kind of why she had come to love Severus. He was different, but in a good way.

"Is it terrible to admit that if I had never gotten pregnant that first time, I highly doubt we would have stayed together? Of course, then I wouldn't have Harry so I try to not dwell on that. I would do it all over again because I can't imagine my life without him." She sighed.

"I don't think it is terrible to admit what is reality."

"Reality is not pretty."

"It's never pretty."

"Sometimes it is. Right now, it is looking very well from my end."

He looked at her and felt the corner of his lips curve into a smile. "It looks wonderful at the moment." He pushed a lock of her hair out of her face.

She sighed. "What is it about me you like?"

"What?"

"Why do you like about me? I mean, what about me is attractive to you?"

"Besides the fact that I think you are beautiful? Almost everything."

"I just wondered what it was the caught your attention since the only ever guy, besides the random muggles who are looking for any girl to get to bed, was James Potter."

"He just wanted to sleep with you because you were the only girl that wouldn't." He mumbled to himself.

"But that's not your goal?" She asked, looking surprised.

He wiped the shock off his face. "You weren't supposed to hear that."

"Well, I did. Are you saying you don't want to sleep with me? I assumed that was your goal too."

Severus felt his throat suddenly go dry. What answer did she want to hear? The truth would be best, but he felt like he would sound like a hypocrite.

"Sev?"

"Well, I think you are attractive, yes. I would not mind being with you that way, no, but that's not my only goal. When we get to that point, I won't be going anywhere or moving to the next girl I can find. I'm sure your eventual goal is for us to consummate as well, is it not?"

"Well, yes. I don't believe you will leave. You aren't like that."

"A girl like you being attracted to someone like me is not normal. I hope I can keep you around."

"I have every intention of staying put." She ran her fingers across his shoulder blades. "I am not anyone special though."

"I think you are. I'm surprised you ever started to like me at all."

"What's not to like?"

"I am not perfect in any way."

"Good. Neither am I."

"I have told you plenty of times why I love you. You are beautiful, smart, kind hearted, loving, sometimes stubborn, independent, strong and brave. I could go on forever honestly. I love everything about you. But instead of you asking me asking me what I like about you, I should be asking you why you would ever be attracted to me?"

"Why would I be attracted to you? A million and one reasons." She ran her middle and index fingers along his left shoulder. "You are brilliant, witty, stubborn, brave and loyal and you can be kind-hearted and caring when you want to be." She grinned. "You certainly have been to me and to Harry. Physically? Everything about you attracts me. I don't know why."

"I am not a good person. I have done terrible things."

"I know, but I love you anyway, flaws and all. I have my own flaws too."

"I am aware of them, but I chose not to see them. We still get along quite well despite our faults."

"Yes, we do. Minus the occasionally banter, that is, but we don't have trouble getting over them or compromising and that's one thing that attracts me to you."

"I love you, Lily. I mean that." He caressed her upper spine, massaging between her shoulder blades.

"I love you too, Sev. I absolutely mean that." She sighed.

Lily's hand came under his shirt and he could feel her smooth hands rubbing along his back as they stole passionate kisses from each other. He did not want this to end, but he had to end it. If they kept this up, they might not make to bed. His body burned with fervor for her, but she was not ready to move forward and he was not going to talk her into something she might regret later. He forced himself to stop touching her. "I should probably go to bed."

"Why?" She asked, not wanting him to stop touching her.

"It's getting late."

"We have nowhere to go tomorrow."

"No, but I am getting tired."

"You are putting me to sleep doing that."

"I can stop."

"No, I like it. It feels good."

"I can't stay here all night."

"Why not? No one would know the difference." She smirked. "But honestly, you probably should go to your room for the night."

"It's not that I wouldn't stay here. I will if you really want me to."

"It would be best if you were in your bed tonight. My kettle is stirring and I may desire for the lid to be taken off. You tend to do that to me despite the fact that I don't know if I am emotionally ready for that."

He smiled at her. "I will have to remember that."

"I'm sure you can't wait until I let you do that."

"Whenever you are ready, I will be too. Until then, we can enjoy each other in other ways."

"Yes, we can."

He gave her a kiss. "Good night, Lily."

"Good night, Sev."

He got up and left the room. She sighed to herself with a smile on her face. Her stomach felt sick with butterflies. It was a good sort of feeling though. She loved the feeling. Their being apart had done nothing to ruin their relationship. In fact, it was doing the opposite and making them grow closer. Each time they got to see each other now, it was always bittersweet and wonderful. When she was with him, it was if nothing else in the world mattered at that moment.

The next morning.

Severus handed Lily a cup of tea and sat down beside her.

"Thanks." She opened the paper on the table.

"I can't believe you got a muggle news subscription."

"It lets me keep up with the news. Sometimes incidents happen that make me think a wizard caused it. I get my wizard news from you."

"Do you hate living like this? Away from our world?"

"Not really. I grew up as a muggle after all. I guess I am used to it, but sometimes I do feel isolated from it, yes. Besides, I want Harry to interact with and be around muggles. Ignorance is what causes prejudice and I want him to be around all sorts of muggles so he won't have the same hatred of them that many purebloods do."

"I agree with you there. I don't care much for muggles personally though."

"We have nice neighbors for the most part, don't we?"

"Yes, but they are still muggles."

Lily sighed. "Harry should be aware of them, get a bit of both worlds."

"He's your kid. You can do what you want with him."

"We got both worlds."

"But not the best of them."

"Your father was just one muggle. He was not a good person. You can't blame all muggles for his issues."

"What about your sister?"

"She is jealous. She wants to be us and since she can't, she retaliated by being"

"A bitch."

"Well, I wouldn't use that word, but yes. And living her "perfectly normal" life in a "perfectly normal" way."

"I would laugh if she had a child who was a wizard or a witch."

Lily smirked. "It is possible, but I would hope she would not come to resent a child like that. Hopefully, she would be forced to get over her jealously and be happy for the child. My parents, though muggles, were thrilled about my opportunities."

"But your parents were nice people. They were not the type to be jealous of their kid. Petunia might be."

"I would hope not."

"I actually think it is probably a good idea to keep Harry out of our world until he goes to Hogwarts. We can teach him some things, tell him about it, but not let him be a part of it until he is old enough to handle it."

She raised an eyebrow, but smiled. "We?"

"I have no plans to leave any time soon."

"Neither do I. I was just surprised that you are thinking ahead, that's all." She smiled at him. "Well, Harry is a famous name in the wizard world and I don't want him to deal with that at his young age so I agree completely."

They heard the pitter pattering of little feet coming down the stairs. Lily got up and went into the living room.

"Good morning. Merry Christmas."

Harry rubbed his eyes with one hand, holding his bear in the other. "I'm hungry."

"You want some breakfast before we open presents?"

Harry shook his head. "No."

"You want to open your presents before we eat?"

"Yes."

"Okay then. Let's find your presents."

Severus entered the room. "Are you opening the packages already?"

"He wants to open his gifts first. I'm fine with that." Lily sat down on the floor to help Harry. Severus sat in the armchair.

"Some oil paints from Remus. The good kind too that will not make a mess everywhere when you play with them. He gave you some parchment as well to finger paint on."

"I like finger paint." Harry said, admiring his new paints.

"I'm glad. This stuff won't make a mess all over you, the carpet or the kitchen table either."

Harry opened up his gift from Sirius. "A football? And some odd little red balls?"

"Black gave Harry a muggle ball? One from a muggle sport?"

Lily met Severus's eyes. "You don't think he-" Before she could finish her sentence, the ball flew out of Harry's hands and began to bounce across the room. Harry watched the ball fling itself into the walls, barely missing one of the lamps. Severus ducked his head as the ball came barreling toward him, narrowly missing a blow to his face. Lily grabbed her wand and attempted to freeze the ball in place, but missed by a millimeter. The ball fell to the ground and changed its shape into a bowling ball. The ball came rolling toward them. Lily grabbed Harry and Severus reached for the ball to stop it, but missed. The tiny red balls in the package popped up and transformed themselves into bowling pins. The heavy ball rolled toward them at a fast rate, pummeling the pins, scattering them across the room. Severus snatched the ball aggressively. It thrashed about in his hands wildly as if it were a small animal. Severus stuffed the toy into the box, strapping it back in the case it came in.

"That is an outside only toy."

"I say we toss the damn thing." He grumbled.

"I can't do that. It was a gift for Harry."

"Fine, outside only. That toy will tear up the house."

"Let's just get back to unwrapping."

"Fine with me." He sat back down on the chair.

"Okay, Harry, let's open the next gift."

Harry opened his last gift; a railroad set for this toy train, and was now looking at the new tricycle they had gotten him.

"What's that?" Harry asked, pointing to a small box under the tree.

"It's a present for your mother."

Lily took the gift with a smile. "I did not need anything. I told you this already."

"I'm stubborn. I don't listen."

She sighed and took the box. She opened the package and gave him a warm smile. "Sunstone?"

"I know you have been worried about your safety so I thought you might like it."

She clutched the stones in her hand. "Yes, this is a wonderful gift. It's for protection and has healing powers, not to mention bringing good luck and happiness to the wearer. It's also a love stone, but I am sure you knew that."

His lip curled into a smirk. "I might have known."

She grabbed a box and handed it to him. "This is my gift to you."

"You didn't have to get me anything."

"You told me a hundred times not to, but I did anyway."

He sighed and opened the box, taking out the gift. "A screeching chameleon plant?"

"The fruits are great in potions."

"Like the prickly pears on cacti. A very practical gift, thanks." He set the plant on his lap. "But you really did not need to get me anything."

"I think it's clear we aren't going to listen to each other when it comes to gift giving."

He agreed. She was right. They weren't going to listen because they wanted to get the other gifts, even if they were unnecessary.

Severus set the plant on coffee table. Lily stuck the gemstones in her jeans pocket.

"Snow!" Harry said, pointing out of one of the front windows.

"It is snowing. Maybe after breakfast, we can go outside and play in it. Would you like that?"

Harry's eyes lit up in excitement. "Make a snowman!"

"Maybe, if the snow is good for that. Come along, let's go eat." Harry followed her into the kitchen. Severus looked around the room. The Christmas tree lights glistened brightly, making him smile for some odd reason. He never liked Christmas much. He was always a scrooge that way, but this year he did not feel so bitter. In fact, he was enjoying the day so far despite the charmed ball incident. Right now, he felt like the Grinch whose heart had grown three sizes. Severus knew what had caused this change. The same thing, the only thing that ever managed to put a genuine smile on his face: Lily.

A/N: I pictured Lily as strong, capable, preferring independence and likely a bit stubborn. I thought canon James seemed arrogant and dominant. As such, I pictured that at times the two would have a power struggle. I imagined that if they clashed at times in everyday living this way, the bedroom would be no different. I took the dominance/submission idea to sexual experience and I know some couples like it that way, but I am picturing her as not being happy with it. I just had no trouble at all seeing James as someone who liked to have his ego stroked in some ways. I know men who remind me of James and Sirius and since we knew little about them or Lily or their relationship, I used my own experiences and knowledge to create it.

Sunstones do exist. They are actually the state gem of Oregon and those are the stated powers of the gemstone, true or not. The screeching chameleon plant does not exist. It's another creation of mine, like a prickly pear cactus, which contains an edible and very healthy fruit called tuna. I made it a protection plant that alerts to danger through a short, loud screech and it camouflages itself to its surrounding environment. Again, please do not take my ideas without permission, thank you! :)

I finished and edited this yesterday, but things have been busy since then. One of my friend's babies is not doing well and is now believed to be struggling with IVH. It's not uncommon in preemies, but it is still a concern. And I did too much yesterday doing yard work and am sore as a result, but I am glad I did it. They are older and needed the help. I decided to go ahead and post this before I try to come up with interpretations of Shakespeare sonnets for tomorrow. Basically, I procrastinated from doing my work because I know that whatever I manage to come up with, it will be wrong. I suck terribly at interpreting poetry.