Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga and am not Stephenie Meyer.
A/N— HAPPY 2009!
Sorry it's taken so long for me to give you an update. I know, I'm a horrible person.
This chapter was written to Bella's Lullaby from the Twilight Movie on repeat. Yes, on repeat. It was my muse. :)
I know this update is kind of short, but I HAD to give you guys something—I seriously had about 3 people asking me if I was okay, because I hadn't updated in so long. And one of them had read my most recent LiveJournal entry, which I had written while kind of…er, depressed. But I'm seriously fine, guys! :) The concern is touching. But you see, the depressed entry was from about two months ago, and I want to make it clear that when I update that journal I usually am depressed. So, the fact that I updated at least two months ago means I haven't been that depressed in two months. :) Yay!
Anyway, enough of that! Enjoy the chapter!
Chapter Thirty-Nine: Discoveries
Doing nothing became tedious.
Carlisle finally got the blood that he needed for her transfusion. When the news came—via Alice—I was so relieved that I felt catatonic. Everything seemed to be happening faster and faster once we reached the point where Bella was stable.
Her mother and stepfather boarded a plane, which would land in the morning. Alice called Charlie again to tell him the good news, and Carlisle soothed Bella's father over the phone, keeping him from storming down to Phoenix in full police regalia. Jasper and Alice went to a hotel to check in, with the videotape in hand in order to view it and see what Bella had meant by her hazy comments in the ballet studio.
And Emmett and I sat, watching the clock in the waiting room, as midnight approached.
My brother's mindless babbling kept me sane. Without his inane chatter, I would probably have broken several chairs and a wall in my frustration. I could barely hear anything that was happening—there were too many minds in the building, a depressing thought all on its own. And Carlisle was with Bella, somewhere in the furthest reaches of the ER.
When she was finally, finally put in a room, Emmett had to warn me to slow down in my haste to reach her. The hospital has security cameras, Edward. Now chill and wait for the elevator like a normal person.
"I'm not a person," I hissed under my breath. I had never been more of a monster than I was at this moment.
"Well, just because you're not human doesn't mean you can act like a vampire," he hissed back under his breath. Honestly, Edward, you're supposed to be reminding me of all our restrictions and obligations. You're the voice of moral reasoning in this family—you know, that very annoying voice in the back of our minds, which we can't get rid of?
"You're absolutely hilarious, you know that?"
I try. "I try."
Carlisle was waiting for us by the elevator, and it was only his sharp mental reprimand that kept me from continuing my hard, driving pace towards her hospital room. Slowly, Edward: security is probably watching you by now if you came up here the whole way like this.
"Sorry, Carlisle." I sighed, placing my hands on my hips and taking a moment to glare at the floor and compose myself. "I'm a little…anxious."
Understandable. "She's in good condition. But her injuries," Carlisle gritted his teeth, glancing at the medical charts in his hands. "She has a broken leg, four broken ribs, a few cracks in her skull, multiple bruises and, of course, blood loss. The transfusion seems to be working for her, and she's currently stable, although unconscious."
His eyes were squarely on me, and with good reason. I had a feeling that I'd be crushing something in my hands if I could find an appropriate object to release my anger and frustration on. I was so…angry. At James, at myself…at the world, for Bella being forced to go through all this suffering…
But it was all mostly my fault. I knew that, and so did my family. They would be blind to deny it.
I took a deep breath, ignoring the scents of acrid cleaners and compelling human blood. "What room is she in?" I asked quietly.
Carlisle gestured in the direction of her room. She probably won't wake up for a long while—her body went through a great deal of stress, not to mention her mind. I'm sure that she'll wake up within the week, however, so it is simply a matter of how long we have to wait. I nodded, but I was already moving as I did so. I was incredibly anxious to see her. My father and brother followed in my wake.
I stopped short upon entering the room. She was so still, so pale. Lying there, she looked like a fragile, broken doll, with those purple-blue bruises on her skin. Her leg was in a cast, and she was hooked up to all manner of machines and monitors. It was terrifying, to see her so dependent on machinery for survival.
She was so weak. She could die so easily, and there would be nothing I could do to save her. Or rather, nothing I would do. Because saving her, in the way Alice had wanted me to, was not saving her: it was condemning her.
Carlisle's hand was firm on my shoulder. She will be fine, Edward.
Ah, man, if he wasn't already dead… Emmett growled low in the back of his throat, silenced only by a warning glance from Carlisle. James is so lucky we took care of him quickly.
Entering the room, I moved right to the edge of her bed and took her hand in mine as gently as possible. Her warm, living flesh felt almost like it was burning mine. Her grip was nonexistent: she was completely unconscious and her hand was loose and limp in my grasp.
I swallowed hard, the venom having welled up at her scent. Then I sniffed the air, and curled my lip slightly.
Edward? What's wrong?
"She smells…different," I answered quietly. I knew instantly why. "Because of the blood transfusion." She smelled—wrong. It was the clearest indication that she was sick, a sign that I couldn't ignore. Her own blood was mixed with that of another person—possibly more than one other person.
Emmett snorted slightly, coming around to her other side. You are the weirdest person I've ever met. "You are the weirdest person I've ever met. Why are you sad because of that?" Wouldn't it be easier for you to be around her, now?
"It is," I answered, shooting him a dark look. "But it's also strange. It feels surreal, because I don't smell her." It felt as if she might not even be there.
Somehow, my usually obtuse brother seemed to understand. He refrained from comment, opting to look down at the fragile human with brotherly concern. "Bella, you have no idea how glad we all are that you didn't die. I don't know what we'd do if Edward turned back into Mr. Emo." He would have been absolutely impossible to live with. And Esme would have been crying constantly over losing her new daughter, and her oldest son.
I gave him a look. He raised an eyebrow at me in challenge. And that's the truth. She's part of our family now, and you wouldn't be the same if you lost her. Admit it.
"Of course not. But…" I couldn't put into words the thoughts that it seemed only I had considered.
Then again, I was the only one besides Bella who had heard Charlie's parting words. I was the only one who had seemed to consider Bella's departure from Forks. Alice hadn't even thought of it. I wondered if it was wishful thinking that made her believe it wouldn't happen—that Bella would change her mind and stay with me, in Forks.
But I was certain that she wouldn't be staying. She should be with her mother in a warmer place, where she would be safe and happy. She didn't need me the way I needed her, and she could move away to a safer locale. She could be happy somewhere else.
And so I was destined for that heartache. I was meant to be alone. I didn't want to give her up, but I knew that it was in her best interests to leave me. Sooner or later, Esme would have to face the loss of one of her unofficial daughters. My family would be back to seven members. I would be alone again.
The thought made my useless heart feel as if it were being squeezed.
Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder. I'm sure that she will heal well, with time. She'll be all right. "I assume that you want to stay and watch her?" I wouldn't expect any less of you.
"Thank you, Carlisle. I think I will." My eyes scanned for a chair. If I were going to stay here for a long time, then I would have to pretend to be human for the nurses and hospital staff. They would notice if I stood like a sentry by her bedside without moving a muscle.
My father nudged one over to me. It slid across the floor with one gentle kick from him, and I caught and sat in it without releasing Bella's hand. Sinking back into the chair, I wondered what was in store for us next. I was more than content to sit at her side for however many hours I had left with her, but I knew my family wouldn't be so absorbed with her presence.
Emmett's phone went off, and he left the room to answer it at Carlisle quiet insistence. I didn't bother wondered who it was: Bella's smooth, unconscious face had captivated me. I watched her lie there for a long time, until Emmett entered the room.
Tuning out other's minds had become second nature to me, and when my name was called I listened on reflex. Edward, Alice wants you to come to the hotel to watch the tape. He was slightly confused by the demand of our sister, and my scowl was received with rolling eyes. "I don't know why—don't glare at me because she wants something." I think you should go, though. Alice has a reason for calling for you now, since she knows that you wouldn't want to leave Bella.
I sighed, nodding. He was right. "I'll go. You have the hotel?"
Carlisle pulled out a small piece of paper with written instructions. I have directions to the hotel. "Here—Emmett, go with Edward. I'll stay here with Bella." As her doctor, I shouldn't leave right now.
Emmett snatched the directions out of Carlisle's hand and headed toward the door. I held us up for a long minute, taking a careful look at my Bella's poor, bruised face and memorizing it. I did this to her…
My lips brushed her forehead, in a spot free of bruising, and then I backed away from the bed and left the room. My brother's arm on my shoulders was a surprisingly comfort as we headed toward the hotel.
And I couldn't help but wonder what was so important about the video that Alice demanded I come and see it now.
The blank screen shone black for a moment before the tape caught, and then illuminated slightly. I watched as images and sound came out of the television.
"Bella? Bella?" The room was dark. Faint light shone from the television—then it was suddenly blue. The blue light illuminated the outline of her body. She turned around, her expression shocked, confused, and wary.
"Sorry about that, Bella," a disembodied voice said. "But isn't it better that your mother didn't really have to be involved in all this?"
Realization dawned in her eyes. "Yes." Relief saturated her voice.
"You don't sound angry that I tricked you."
"I'm not."
"How odd. You really mean it." The bodiless voice was surprised. "I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It's amazing—some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interested at all… I suppose you're going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?"
"No, I don't think so. At least, I asked him not to."
"And what was his reply to that?"
"I don't know. I left him a letter."
"How romantic, a last letter. And do you think he will honor it?"
"I hope so."
"Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then. You see, this was all just a little too easy, too quick. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed. I expected a much greater challenge. And, after all, I only needed a little luck." The disembodied voice was gloating.
"When Victoria couldn't get to your father, I had her find out more about you. There was no sense in running all over the planet chasing you down when I could comfortably wait for you in a place of my choosing. So, after I talked to Victoria, I decided to come to Phoenix to pay your mother a visit. I'd heard you say you were going home. At first, I never dreamed you meant it. But then I wondered. Humans can be very predictable; they like to be somewhere familiar, somewhere safe. And wouldn't it be the perfect ploy, to go to the last place you should be when you're hiding—the place that you said you'd be.
"But of course I wasn't sure, it was just a hunch. I usually get a feeling about the prey that I'm hunting, a sixth sense, if you will. I listened to your message when I got to your mother's house, but of course I couldn't be sure where you'd called from. It was very useful to have your number, but you could have been in Antarctica for all I knew, and the game wouldn't work unless you were close by.
"Then your boyfriend got on a plane to Phoenix. Victoria was monitoring them for me, naturally; in a game with this many players, I couldn't be working alone. And so they told me what I'd hoped, that you were here after all. I was prepared; I'd already been through your charming home movies. And then it was simply a matter of the bluff.
"Very easy, you know, not really up to my standards. So, you see, I'm hoping you're wrong about your boyfriend. Edward, isn't it?" Gloating triumph leaked through every word of the speech. "Would you mind, very much, if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?"
A shadow moved out of the field of vision, and her face turned into horror and the slightest tinge of disgust. The frame widened, the camera taking in more of the studio. In the mirror behind her, the disembodied voice finally had a body. His eyes were almost completely black in the mirror reflection that could be seen behind the girl.
"I'm sorry, but I just don't think he'll be able to resist hunting me after he watches this. And I wouldn't want him to miss anything. It was all for him, of course. You're simply a human, who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, ad indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add." He stepped forward. "Before we begin…"
The smile on his face was slightly twisted. "I would just like to rub it in, just a little bit. The answer was there all along, and I was so afraid Edward would see that and ruin my fun. It happened once, oh, ages ago. The one and only time my prey escaped me.
"You see, the vampire who was stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked—I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans—and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn't even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She'd been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatments. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she'd never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.
"I destroyed the old one in vengeance," he sighed.
Her face illuminated with sudden understanding. "Alice."
"Yes, your little friend. I was surprised to see her in the clearing. So I guess her coven ought to be able to derive some comfort from this experience. I get you, but they get her. The one victim who escaped me, quite an honor, actually.
"And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste… She smelled even better than you do. Sorry—I don't mean to be offensive," he grinned slyly, the curve of his cheek betraying the expression to the camera behind him. "You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…"
He stepped closer to the girl until he was inches away, and she seemed paralyzed. Unable to flinch back as he lifted a lock of her hair, sniffed it delicately, and then patted the strand back in place. His fingers reached to stroke her cheek with his thumb. Her eyes were wide with terror.
"No," he murmured, dropping his hand. "I don't understand. Well, I suppose we should get on with it. And then I can call your friends and tell them where to find you, and my little message." He stepped back—
The scene froze.
My eyes swiveled toward Jasper, who held the remote. I'd been scowling at the screen, snarling every now and then, but I knew that the tape wasn't over. Why had they stopped it? "Something wrong?" I growled.
My levelheaded brother eyed me cautiously. "I'm not sure seeing the rest of this is necessary. We already know what Bella said was here." I'm not sure you should see the rest.
"Why shouldn't I see the rest?" I asked, my teeth clenched together like a steel trap. "What more is there?"
Alice's lips tightened. He beats her. "You don't need to watch her receive those injuries." You already know how she was hurt.
Alice was right—I didn't need to. But as I turned away, I knew that she also didn't quite understand. "I have to," I whispered, resting my elbows on my knees. "I have to know what he did."
"You already know," Emmett reminded me in a low voice. We know how she was hurt. The only thing that matters is that she's on her way to being healed. Why can't we just be grateful for that?
I gave him a raised eyebrow, just looking at him for a long moment. I knew that wasn't his reason. He wanted to know, just like I did.
He sighed. Okay, fine, I just think you don't need to know. "Edward, you have enough guilt. Don't make yourself hurt more over this." Bella probably wouldn't like it.
"Bella won't know," I retorted.
Jasper sighed, the remote still firmly held in his hand. "The level of guilt that I'm feeling from you right now is ridiculous, Edward. Before you get to see anything past this point, you're going to get through those emotions." No one should hate himself or herself that much. It's not healthy.
Great. We were back to the 'suicidal Edward' line of thinking. "You're not a psychologist."
"No, but I do know when you're lying." Don't try me, Edward. I'm furious at James for this—without realizing it, he gestured to the TV—and aggravation of any kind may make me lose control over the entire room.
I raised an eyebrow at him, before I realized what he meant. No wonder I wasn't leaping out of my seat to break something—which was my usual method of releasing pure anger. Jasper was calming the room. Emmett's hands were in fists, but his voice hadn't risen to room-shaking levels. Alice was curled up in her seat, but the trembling hadn't started up. And my teeth were grinding together, but I hadn't broken anything.
That just went to show how angry we were, since this was us with Jasper's calming influence.
And we had every right to be. I didn't know where to start, with James' video. I had difficulty remembering that it had all happened in the past, when I saw Bella's face on the screen, lit up with terror. I wished desperately that I had been the one to tear James to pieces.
Alice looked at me, seeming to weight something in her mind. I caught a flash of some kind of dust, then of a shredded couch. She made her decision. "Jasper, finish playing it." She looked at him when he started to protest. "Please. Esme likes her couches." Let's not destroy one of them by making him watch it at home.
Jasper grimaced, then rolled his eyes slightly. "Of course." Edward, you really need to learn how to control your temper.
"It's not my fault," I grunted. "I'm a teenager. My perpetual mood is angst and 'nobody understands me'." Emmett snorted as I repeated what he'd told me several times before. Jasper and Alice sighed, looking at each other with a hint of amusement.
We all grew more serious once he pushed the play button again, however.
Then my mind set on autopilot, in a way. I could only watch—could hardly think—as I saw my Bella become prey to the monster that was James. I saw her thrown against the mirrors, and bitten. I saw myself come into the picture and tear him away. In the reflection in the glass, I saw his demise with half an eye as I watched myself, Carlisle and Alice surrounding Bella. I saw my father keeping her alive with medical treatment. I saw my sister helping him.
And I saw myself bite her.
It was such a surreal experience. I recalled the entire incident—from where I came in, of course—with remarkable ease. I remembered what the wooden flooring felt like beneath my knees, and the sounds of James' death. I remembered the taste of her blood the clearest, and that was the most terrifying part of recalling the whole thing to the forefront of my mind.
Jasper pulled out the tape when it had ended, showing us a blank, blue screen. I could hear his concern for me as I battled with the rising of venom in my mouth, as I fought down the thirst that awoke with the mere memory of that sweet, sweet liquid. And soon enough, I was myself again.
There. You saw it. Now we'll never see it again. Jasper was deadly serious. "We can destroy it as soon—"
"Carlisle. Esme." Alice's eyes flickered to Emmett. "Probably Rosalie. They'll want to see it." Rosalie, if only to know what happened and to make sure that Emmett was fine. Carlisle, because he will want to know. Esme for the same reason.
Jasper's teeth clicked together. It's dangerous. "We have to make certain this tape stays in our possession."
Alice held out her hand for it, plucking her purse off the table beside her. "I can keep an eye on it." No one will find it here, and we won't forget it. I know it. She was certain, and we decided it was best to keep it close at hand. Just in case.
My sister sighed, closing her eyes. The flash of a plane appeared in her mind's eye. "Phil and Renee will be a little bit early. Emmett and I will go to the airport to meet them when it lands. Jasper, you and Edward should head back to the hospital now." Her eyes opened and locked on mine. I know you want to be by her side. Her eyes flicked to her husband. He can keep you from breaking anything.
I didn't argue with her choice of my bodyguard. It was true that Jasper could keep me calm. And it was also true that I probably needed to be kept calm. As soon as I was by myself, and if I kept thinking about the video and James, then I would probably end up smashing something to pieces.
We headed back to the hospital in a taxi that Alice called for. Jasper and Alice had swung by the ballet studio, with caution tape set up around it, and ditched the stolen car. Before leaving with Bella, Emmett had tossed a match on the lighter fluid. I had barely paid attention, too concerned about her to worry about our blatant destruction of private property.
I led the way to Bella's room, leading a non-breathing Jasper through the hospital. Carlisle rose as we entered, and I told him of Emmett and Alice's plans. But my eyes were locked on Bella the instant I entered her room, and stayed that way.
She looked so fragile, especially with those darkening bruises marring her pale skin. The cast and IV, the heart monitor, the bandages…all of these things stuck out against the plain white sheets that she lay on, and I couldn't tear my eyes away if I even wanted to. I couldn't bear to look away from her.
Jasper judged my mood and decided that it was best for him to get out of the hospital since I was in no danger of destroying something at the moment. Carlisle suggested that he go out to the airport to pick up the car that he, Alice and Bella had taken to get to Phoenix. Grateful for something to do, he headed out. And my father gave me some time alone with Bella.
I didn't know what to do as I waited, watching her. It wasn't like watching her sleep, not at all. She was unconscious, and her current physical appearance made it all the worse that she was still and silent. And yet, I was glad that she was unconscious—it meant that she couldn't feel the pain, as she would if she were awake.
I stroked her hair with my fingertips, gently arranging it around her face with absentminded care. Even hurting and near death, she looked beautiful. She was more than I deserved, and more than I could ever hope to be. She was alive.
A smile cracked on my lips. It felt broken on my face, out of place. Wasn't it ironic that she was so alive, even when she seemed so close to death? And earlier that day, as I raced to save her, I had contemplated ending my own life if she left this one?
It hadn't surprised me, the lengths at which I would go to keep my existence from ever running out of hers. I knew that within hours, possibly, she would be deciding to leave Forks behind to live with her mother. But that wouldn't take her out of my existence, not truly—because I would know that she was alive.
I would make sure that she was alive. And when she grew old and died, I would follow her.
The decision came out of nowhere, but the instant I thought it I knew it was true. It was right. I would do it. Because an existence without her living—if not with me, then somewhere in the universe—well, that would be nothing. It would be meaningless. Even if she were living out her life with someone else, my existence would be worth it.
Of course the thought of her living—not beating heart and working lungs, but having a job, a marriage, children—made my heart ache. My organs had not worked for decades, but my heart still managed to hurt. It was a phantom feeling of constricted motion in my chest, and somehow it managed to hurt.
My eyes memorized her face, in preparation of her departure. I would never forget how she looked, broken and wounded because of me. All because of me—James had said it himself, in the video. He had wanted me to come after him. Killing Bella was just a way to hurt me. He hadn't even cared that she was a living, breathing human. To him, she was nothing more than an interesting meal that would get another predator of his kind to come running for a fight.
This was my fault. I had defended Bella in the meadow, and interested James in the chance to hunt her down. Somewhere along the line, he turned it into a way to get at me. Perhaps it was even grander than that. He might have been irritated with my family for taking Alice in, angry that she had escaped him and was now here, with a large group of her kind. And he had taken that anger out on Bella: weak prey that he could catch in a way that he hadn't been able to, with Alice.
Either way, it was my fault, because if she hadn't been there then he wouldn't have focused on her. Something had hidden his thoughts of Alice during the confrontation in the meadow. I had a feeling it was just that he was more concerned with being around a larger group of vampires, and that he'd fully realized who she was a little later.
I sighed again, my hand falling away from Bella's hair. My eyes flicked to the clock on the wall, then back to her face. Her mother's plane was landing in an hour.
My time with her was slowly running down. And this time, I couldn't 'save' her from it.
A/N—Yes, you hate me, I know, but… To Be Continued…
(I'll try to write more as soon as I possibly can, I swear: you probably won't have to wait 2 months for an update this time).
Thanks for reading!