Chapter 37

Not enough. She didn't give him near enough. Each step sent a white hot streak of pain straight from his leg to his brain and beads of sweat were getting in his eyes turning the room at the bottom of the stairs wavy like desert heat. It didn't help that he was so God damn hot. Ripping off his clothes was starting to seem like a real good idea, though something told him that probably wouldn't be the best plan. He hadn't been making the smartest decisions the last few days.

"Here, lean on me, it will help." Willie tried to take hold of his arm, but he batted her away.

"Leave me alone."

"Oh."

He didn't bother to look at her. His eyes were focused on the bottom stair and the chair sitting two steps to the left. At least he hoped it'd be only two steps. But, even with his focus on the pain and the stairs, and the chair he knew he'd hurt her. It came through loud and clear in that one little word. She moved behind him and didn't speak again. It's not that he didn't care, there was just nothing he could do about it. It took all he had to take each step. With a groan, he plopped down and looked at her. "Never been in a saloon before?" He damn well knew he should a said sorry, but it was her fault. She didn't give him near enough.

"This is my first, thank you." Her tone was icy, her eyes stared into the empty room. She was the last person he should be pissing off right now. He needed her, needed what she was willing to do. Turning, she climbed a few of the steps then stopped. The light from the lamp she carried cast long shadows over the room below and Johnny watched bits and pieces of what had played out, less than a day ago, dance in the flickering glow. He closed his eyes, trying to push the scene from his head.

"I'm not sure where I belong," she said, her voice soft, the cold edge gone.

It took a minute for her words to work past the pictures in his head and the thundering beat of pain in his ears. He considered them as he pulled over another chair and eased his leg onto the seat. The stampede was moving out. The ground stopped shaking each time he took a breath and the fire burning behind his eyes was cooling. Wish he could say that about the rest of him. He sucked in a breath figuring he owed her an answer. "You belong at Lancer."

Willie placed the lamp on a higher step, turned to face him, and sank down. She wrapped her hands around the balusters and peered through. "There was a time I thought so." She didn't look at him when she spoke. "I'm not sure anymore." Johnny leaned back in his chair and watched. "When Murdoch finds out I'm giving you laudanum and Scott learns about the baby, what will they think of me? What do you think they'll say?"

"Me? I stopped trying to figure out what Murdoch would say a long time ago. Found I was usually wrong. And, as for Scott… he might surprise you. Only one way ta know for sure. Can the answers be any worse than what you got running around in that head a yours?"

"No, I suppose not." She folded in half and rested her arms and head on her knees. "I'm tired, perhaps I am making rash decisions."

"Then get on over to that hotel and grab yourself some sleep. I can make it the rest of the way, just need to get outta this chair." Damn that was a whole lot easier to say than it was gonna be to do. If only his legs didn't feel the size of tree trunks. Tree trunks. He snickered. That's what started this. That and the coffee and Stu and damn, why had he let his guard down? Why had he let go of the past? Cause it damn sure never let go of him.

Her sigh brought him back. "Are you glad he's dead?"

Her head still rested on arms and knees but she'd turned it and was looking into the saloon. Johnny followed her gaze. The lamplight hit the floor in the worst possible spot. Someone had tried to clean away the blood but the scrubbing only spread it around and pushed it into the cracks. "Yup."

"Scott told me, if it weren't for Grayson, your mother would have never left. Did you hate him for that?"

"Can't say. Had so many other reasons to hate him, guess that one never came up."

"Yet you stayed with him. Why?"

"The hate was slow coming. He showed up when I was waiting for Inez. Said she'd changed her mind, didn't want nothing to do with a blue-eyed mestiso." He heard the hitch in his voice, the lie still pinched at his heart. Bastard started straight away with the lies, too bad he was just a dumb kid. "Grayson made it clear no one wanted me 'cept him. And, I gotta tell ya, it didn't matter who he was, or what he was, it just felt good to be wanted. The reasons made no difference."

"He did the same thing for Remy and his sister, maybe?" She asked. "Taking them in like he did must have seemed like a nice thing to do."

"He could be real nice." The laugh that tumbled out left a sour taste in his mouth. "Hell, most people liked him straight off, just ask Val."

"Did you like him?"

"Back then? Yeah, I did. He taught me damn near everything I know. Shit, I was a wise mouthed kid, would a wound up dead, for sure, if not for him. So yeah, I liked him." He let his chin drop to his chest. It was time to make a move. The pain had become a distant beat and his muscles burned warm like he'd just rolled off a pretty woman. Damn he was feeling good.

"Are you okay? Did I give you too much?"

"Oh, I'm good." He kind of nodded, but it was more of a roll of his head and he felt the curl of a smile tug at his lip, maybe she gave him enough after all.

"You don't have to do this. No one expects you to."

He knew that, but he'd be damned if anyone else was going to call the shots. There wasn't much left he could control and as long as Willie was gonna keep him… comfortable. A fear rippled through him. "You'll visit later, right? You won't forget?"

"No Johnny, I won't forget. I wouldn't do that to you." Willie sat up, her eyes wide. "Did he?"

"Sometimes. Only I didn't know why I felt ready to crawl outta my skin."

"What he did was wrong. You know that don't you?"

"Yeah, I know now. But he has a way of twisting you up inside till ya can't tell."

"Had."

"Huh?"

"Had a way, Johnny. Had. The man is dead."

The laugh started deep in his belly and worked its way up until there was no stopping it. It wasn't a laugh that made him feel good, it was a laugh that made him feel sick inside.

"What's so funny?"

He swallowed hard pushing the sound back where it came from. "Last night, Grayson dragged out every reason for me to hate him til I only wanted one thing." His head felt light and far off, like the pain, and he rolled it back and forth. "Cuz, if that bastard was dead, everything could be like it was before." He squeezed his eyes closed and pictured Sunday dinner, everyone at the table, food and laughter. It was the one place he'd wanted to be as he watched Murdoch and Val head out to look for Scott. Dinner at Lancer, he would have never believed that sitting down for a meal with family could mean so much. But Lancer meant more to him than he could have ever dreamed. It was more than land, it was his home and his family, and the one place he ever felt completely safe. "It was all good before."

"And now?"

"Now?" He opened his eyes and pushed up in the chair. "Now, I think his being dead won't make a damn bit a difference."

Willie stood and took a few steps down the stairs. "Is that how you feel? Like he's still pulling all the strings?"

He rolled his head back and squinted at her. The glow from the lamp danced around her head, glinting off the stray pieces of hair that floated around her face. "I don't know how I feel."

"Maybe that's my fault? Maybe, I shouldn't give you the laudanum. It could be making things worse."

Johnny felt his stomach go tight and the spit drain from his mouth. "There's only one thing that could make this worse." He couldn't do it, he wouldn't beg, not out loud, but by the look on her face she damn sure had to know.

She crossed the short distance from the stairs and knelt before him. "I'm sorry. I should have never said that. Please believe me. I won't ever do what he did to you, I promise."

He looked into her eyes, the eyes of the person who was agreeing to be his savior, and he did believe her, trusted that she understood. But would anyone else? "Thank you," he said. "You have no idea how much I need you."

"I think I do. No one needs to witness your pain. There is already enough suffering here."

He reached up and smoothed the unruly wisps. The kiss was short and her lips were soft and warm and he moved to kiss her once more, this time pressing deeper tasting her, feeling the heave of her chest as she melted into him, then the push of her hands as she stood and stepped back. She said nothing, just stood there staring at him, her fingers held to her lips.

Shit, what was he thinking? He wasn't, he couldn't have cuz he sure wouldn't ever think that was a good idea. "I'm sorry," he said but her eyes were starting to tear up and she shook her head. Using the cane he stood on unsteady feet and took a step closer. "I'm sorry."

Willie took a few more steps back then turned and ran up the stairs. He watched as she disappeared around the corner. "Damn," he said as he draped himself over the stair rail. "Damn, damn, damn." He hung there for a while, wondering if she'd come back down. What he wanted to do was go after her, but there was no way he was going to make it up those stairs. And he wasn't sure what he could say or do to make what just happened go away. Nothin', that's what. There was nothin' that could fix this. Guess it didn't matter, since he wasn't gonna be sticking around long anyway. It seemed a real shame though that his last kiss would be to his brother's girl. "Damn."

Johnny opened the door to Val's office. The bright light, from the lamp on the desk, wasn't near as inviting as it had been from across the street. Val was at his desk, head down, resting on crossed arms and scattered papers, snoring. He jumped up from his chair, rubbing his eyes the moment the door snapped closed.

"What the hell are you doin' here? Figured you'd be…" He stopped and looked at Johnny. "Shit." He dropped his ass back into the chair and ran a hand down his face. "Where'd ya get it, Johnny? Ain't no way you made it here without help."

"What? No thank you? And here I come all this way just to save you the trouble," Johnny said, leaning back against the door.

"Won't go so far as ta thank you, but it is good ta see you looking more alive than dead."

Johnny sighed out and looked at the floor. "Don't get used to it."

"Damn it, Johnny." Val hopped up from his chair again and banged his fist on the desk. "Never known you to be a quitter."

"Not quitting."

"Sure sounds like it to me. Now, go back and get some sleep. You look like you could use it. Besides, I ain't decided yet if I'm gonna charge ya."

"Val, you know damn well, if you don't Love will."

"Ya, I know, but don't make it right. And it don't mean I have ta like it."

"No, it don't. But it needs doing just the same, so open up that cell." Johnny pushed off the door. He sucked in a breath as a jolt of pain caused him to sway. "I'm thinking I've done about all I can without falling over." He tried to smile, gave it his damn best shot but it sure took a lot of work.

"You are one stubborn son-of-a-bitch." Val fumbled in the drawer for the keys then moved in close to Johnny. "Wrap your arm around me and I'll give ya a hand.

"Thanks, but I've come this far I'll finish it," he said pushing Val back with the end of the cane.

Val shook his head and grumbled. "Like I said, one stubborn son-of-a-bitch." He unlocked the cell and shoved the door open, giving Johnny a hard stare. "Have it your way," he said with a small bow and a sweep of his hand.

Johnny moved past the lawman and lowered himself onto the cot, pushing back against the wall. "Would ya stop staring and get something for my leg, it hurts a hell of a lot less when it ain't three times its normal size."

Pulling the mattress off the other cot, Val folded it in half and positioned it under Johnny's leg. "Best I can do."

"It's good," Johnny said trying to sound grateful but he knew it fell short. "Thanks," he added then closed his eyes. Breathing through clenched teeth he hoped to wait out the pain.

"This ain't the best place for you, and you know it."

"Oh, I don't know, Val, it'll keep me off my leg. Hell, by the time you hang me, it'll be good as new."

"Quit joking, Johnny."

"Who's joking?"

"What's gonna happen when that shit wears off? You're gonna be sicker than Billy Hazlet after he drank that rotgut. You should a stayed at the saloon."

Fear grabbed at his gut, forcing him to look away from his friend. Not many things scared the shit outta him but that was sure one. Dios, had he sent that plan up in flames with a kiss? Or would Willie keep her promise despite the man he'd become? It sure as hell didn't take long for that damn laudanum to start making decisions for him, bad decisions. "Thought I had it worked out, but then I did about the second dumbest thing I've ever done and now I ain't so sure."

"Second dumbest?" Val stuck his head in his line of sight and glared. "Care to tell me about those?"

"Think I'll pass."

Val turned away without saying a word. He walked across the room, took off his badge and set it on his desk then dragged a chair back with him, into the cell. Sitting down next to the cot, he leaned forward. "Amigo tu Amigo, I need the truth, Johnny."

"The truth? How did Grayson put it? Truth is a foolish waste of time. Living with lies is a whole lot more comfortable."

"Damn it, Johnny." Val sat back. "From what you say, the man didn't know the first thing about telling the truth."

"But that's where you're wrong. He almost always told the truth, finding the lie was the hard part."

"And you're doing the same thing."

"Not lying, Val. The way I call it there are three truths. There's the truth that says I did it. None of you will believe me and I'll hang. Or the one where I say the girl did it. Now that's the one that will make all you comfortable. Only thing is, the judge won't believe it since it was my gun and more than a few heard me say I'd kill him, including you, and I'll hang. Or I can say nothing, the evidence will prove I did it and I'll hang. Which truth do you want?"

"I'd be lying if I said this looked good. But you've been in tight spots before and you've always made it out. Don't see why your luck should change now." Val stood and walked to the door of the cell. "Ya could run."

"Run?" Johnny laughed though his nose. "With a broke leg and a craving for laudanum? How far do you think I'd get? The only difference is I'd be shot first then hung."

"I wouldn't find ya, Johnny." Val pointed to his desk. "That badge would never go on again. You believe that, don't ya?"

"Ya, Val, I believe it. Thanks, but even if I could run, I wouldn't. That would be worse than dying, knowing I could never come home."

Silence stretched between them until it was strung so tight it snapped.

"She's plumb loco ya know. One minute she was carrying on about her dead Pa and the next she damn near had her hands down my pants. She aint't worth it Johnny."

"Oh, I don't know, Val. Seems the same's been said about me more than once."

TBC