I'm expecting John to be accompanied by Mermes when he comes back from class on Thursday. I was not expecting half of the organic chemistry class to crowd up the apartment as well.
"Whoa, what's up with the sudden invasion?"
"Oh hey Dave! We're doing a big study group meeting for the test and Prynne pleasantly suggested that we host it at my place."
"Uh sure. I guess that's alright. I don't think I have enough lamb chops for everyone though."
"Baby woolbeast chops? Ew. I hate those. They are very unpleasant! Why would you cook those?" Mermes objects.
"Dave, how rude!" What? "Well anyways, we were thinking about ordering pizza instead since we have such a large group."
"Speaking of the Huns, care to introduce me? Wouldn't want to be rude," I return evenly.
"Oh yea! Dave, this is Alba, Frieda, Russ, Bernadette, Sallie, Keith, Naomi, Marcus, James, and Rodger." Egbert points to each particular person to give me a name I'll probably forget within the hour. I wave a general greeting in their direction. "Guys, this is my roommate Dave!" Roommate? Not boyfriend? Guess that's his subtle way of telling me to keep the PDA down. Probably another suggestion from the cerulean because honestly, subtlety isn't Egbert's thing. And speaking of suggestions,
"Just don't give him your last names or you'll never hear your first name ever again." I glance over at Egbert to see if he would comment or defend me against this slander, but he's just smiling like Mermes' told a great joke. Enough of this circus.
"Glad to have met y'all, but I'll be hanging out in my room until pizza arrives. If you need anything feel free to knock. I don't bite unless you ask nicely," I deadpan. That gets a couple snickers from the audience and a not so gentle shove from Egbert towards my room.
"Heh heh, sure Dave. We'll see you later." He keeps his hands firmly on my shoulders until I am within my room. I turn around to grab a kiss now that we are somewhat away from prying eyes but he's already turned back towards the other room. I close my door and catch some of the conversation out in the room.
"Hey dude, we didn't mean to drive your roommate away," one of the guests offer. Hey, at least they aren't all assholes.
"Don't worry about it. He always does this even when it's just me coming over to study with John. It's like he's allergic to studying." Cue laughter. I am kinda disappointed when I can pick out Egbert's laughter as well.
I don't bring up my concerns for his behavior before the test, but I do make sure he gets up and I give him extra extra strength coffee that resembles the sludge that we had back on the meteor as he stumbles out of the door.
I don't bring up my concerns afterwards either. It's kinda hard to burst his bubble when he comes home beaming because of course he aced the test. Like that was ever in question. He also has date plans for us, but "It's a secret!" Fine whatever. I've pulled that on him enough times that he's allowed to return the bullshit.
But this is utter and complete bullshit. This is a big uncomfortable steaming pile of musclebeast manure that I cannot believe that I am still sitting here watching this travesty unfold in front of us. This horrific event that is on display for all to be ashamed to see is an anime premiere.
Now, I have seen some decent anime. I have seen some good anime (Afro Samurai, Trigun, Girl Who Leapt Through Time to name a few off the top of my head). I have seen anime that was so bad that it was good again. I have seen obscure and weird anime where nothing makes sense even to brain dead potheads. This film, and it's an insult to all filmography to call it that, doesn't fall into any of those categories. This is the shit that gives anime a bad name.
It's a harem based anime filled with a bunch of screaming crying girls all vying for a screaming crying male protagonist (at least I am assuming male but at the rate they keep falling into poorly contrived situations to add drama, I wouldn't be surprised if the characters were to suddenly genderbend). And all of that is going on without an actual backup plot to even help the movie along. It is simply some lonely loser's attempt at a relationship fantasy with obvious notes of self-insertion. Even Ampora's emotional tales of relationship woes would win Oscars compared to this brain rotting drivel.
And it's not like I can get my mack on with the man who is making me suffer through this because instead of sitting in the back, we are sitting in the smack dab middle of a sea of fangirls (disturbingly not all of them are female) and the inhuman shrieks of the cast of harpies on the screen occur on average every ten seconds. Neither make for a good makeout setting.
I still don't understand why we are still sitting here as Egbert is clearly as uncomfortable as I am with all of the fidgeting and squirming he is doing in his seat. I haven't left him yet because this is his date and he was pretty excited abo-
Holy shit. They just pulled the genderbend. That's it. As much as I love the derp I cannot stand another second of this. Egbert can stay to the end of this, but I have to get the fuck out. "I'm not losing any more brain cells to this," I tell him before I stand and quickly exit out of the row with harsh whispers from Egbert following me. I will not stop for anything. Even if he was promising hot sex for twenty four hours straight with whatever kinks I want to indulge. Nope. I am resolute in my absconding.
I get to the lobby of the theater and find a place to sit where Egbert can find me seeing as he elected not to follow my lead. I pull out my phone and pull up reviews of that abomination. Unsurprisingly it got an F minus on that site, a one out of ten on that one, a thirty out of a hundred on that one, and a negative twenty out of five on another. How the hell did he choose this to come to out of everything else we could have done this weekend?
Resigned to wait out the movie, I buy another bucket of popcorn and a soda from an unfamiliar attendant. We weren't even at our usual haunt either. It was a good hour and a half drive from our apartment. I return to my bench and entertain myself with Angry Featherbeasts on my phone to pass the time.
An hour and twenty two minutes later, the theater doors open and the crowd spills out. Egbert is one of the last ones to file out. I see him before he notices me so I make my way over to him. Thankfully I did because I have to dash the last few steps to catch his elbow before he trips and almost falls to the floor.
"Hey, I warned you about losing brain cells. Now you don't even have enough to walk straight."
"Shut up, Dave." He rubs his face with his hands
"Are you okay?" I grab his wrists and pull them away to look at his face. Hints of dark circles are under his eyes and he's wearing an ugly frowning glare. "Yea, you aren't okay. Let's get you home so that you can sleep this off."
"I'm fine. Just pleasant." He twists his wrists out of my hands and starts stomping off towards the entrance. I follow two steps behind until he trips on nothing and I have to catch him again. We don't say anything as I wrap my arm around his waist and continue onto the car. I only let him go when he shrugs me off at the car door. He manages to get into the car fine but still has that grouchy expression. As I pull out of the parking lot he is resolutely staring out the window with his chin on his fist.
As the sun sets behind the trees, I pull off of the highway and into a fast food joint. "Two bacon cheeseburgers, large fry, and a strawberry milkshake, right?" I ask, finally breaking the silence.
"Yea. That's fine." I add my part to the order when the talking clown asks me how it can help me. I drive around to the next window, fork over some money, and take the greasy loot in return passing it over to Egbert's lap.
"Fry me." I hold out my hand to him as I navigate the car back onto the highway. He drops a hot and salty sliver of potato into my hands. I hear him munching away as well which I take as a good sign. Whatever illness that is causing his irritability isn't affecting his appetite. We go through the practiced motions of driver and copilot where he passes me food and I keep my eyes on the road.
He crumples up the wrapper of the second burger. "Sorry."
"Not that big of a deal, dude, but do you want to explain to me why all this happened?"
"Well it wasn't supposed to be that bad. I heard that it was pretty pleasant actually."
"From who? All of the online reviews roasted it with fires of burning disgust. I had to go all the way to the director's personal page to find something that wasn't utter hate towards it."
"Prynne said that it was just sorta misunderstood but really good if you can get past the silliness." Well that connects a few of the dots and I briefly wonder if the user hypnoticHips could be her online alias.
"Okay. Can we be in agreement that she has terrible tastes in movies and ignore any future suggestions?"
"Yea, that was pretty unpleasant."
"Downright horrifying. But if you agree, why didn't you leave with me? You stayed for the entire thing."
"I don't know." I glance over at him and find him frowning again, but it's more of a contemplative expression than a glare. "I wanted to. But then I had this feeling that it would be wrong to follow you out. And then I got this head ache again and I all I wanted to do was sit quietly in the dark."
"It definitely wasn't quiet in there and not very dark."
"I know but whenever I tried to get up, it just hurt more."
I reach over and grab his hand, squeezing it briefly. "Let's get you medicated and in bed. So far sleeping it off seems to work."
"Yea. That sounds good. Can I get some snuggles too?"
"Of course, I'll call Harley and get her to teleport over to make up this dire lack of snuggles in your life. She'll be your own teddy bear of space with plenty of derpy hugs guaranteed to cuddle the shit out of you whether or not her suffocating care is literal as well a metaphorical."
"I meant from you."
"I know. I think I can spare some patented Strider snuggles for the night."
When his breathing changes to slow deep steady breaths I carefully slip out of his arms. After picking up my laptop, I pause at the door, tempted to go back and join him. Especially since this breaks the longest streak that we haven't slept together since the doldrums episode. And that reminds me of why I am getting my laptop out.
-turntechGodhead [TG] began chatting up gardenGnostic [GG]-
TG: sup
GG: DAVE! dave dave dave!
TG: whoa someone is an excited puppy please do not tinkle on the carpet i just had these steam cleaned
GG: EW! dave that was most uncalled for D:
TG: sorry its what the little rat of a chihuahua would do whenever it saw me from down the hall
TG: i have no idea what dog tendencies youve kept from the stint you had being combined with the fucking devilbeast
GG: are you calling me part fucking devilbeast? that pees on carpets when excited!?
TG: uh
TG: i guess i am
GG: rude :(
TG: yea i guess that came out a little harsh
TG: kinda stressed out on this end so my words have been rucked up recently instead of laying down smooth sick burns
GG: stressed out? whats been going on?
GG: you havent been hit by another car have you? :O
TG: no no automobiles are involved with this current predicament
TG: got a question for you though
GG: shoot!
TG: with the doldrums thing did egbert ever get antagonistic instead of becoming more of a feathers for brains than my orange self
GG: antagonistic?
GG: well not really...
GG: there was one time that he got upset enough that he screamed until he passed out in his driveway
GG: but honestly that was more hormones than anything aspect related
GG: and it only was that night
GG: apparently his dreams helped him snap out of it
TG: well damn there goes another possibility out of the window
GG: whats going on?
TG: i wish i knew
TG: so far ive ruled brainwashing out and now doldruming out and i dont think hes still wrestling with hormones
TG: i dont think ive screwed up recently
TG: i am honestly out of explanations for what could cause egbert to act like a first class douche who is conflicted between shoving me away and keeping me around to mock me with his new study friends
GG: i cant imagine john mocking you for anything!
TG: he said that me wearing the shades that he gave me for my thirteenth birthday and kept through hell and back was just one of my quirks
TG: you should see him when he is hanging out with mesmer
TG: *mermes
TG: prynne mermes
TG: the longer he hangs around her the worse he gets hits the first class jerk off level
TG: its not even ironic anymore
TG: on top of that he might be ill he keeps getting headaches and sleeping late in the mornings
GG: that does sound odd for john... :\
TG: yea but i cant figure out the source at all for the weirdness
GG: well... im sure that everything well turn out alright! dont worry about it too much!
TG: i hope so
TG: thanks for the chat harley
TG: im going to back to make good on my snuggles promise
GG: okay! good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!
TG: great now i am going to have nightmares about bedbugs eating me alive as i sleep
TG: night harley
-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased chatting up gardenGnostic [GG]-