His hair is completely disheveled, his mouth is slightly open and his whole face is relaxed as his breathe stays steady. His heart that was beating soundly against my back is now racing slowly when I turned over to look at him. I assume he is dreaming something good since he has a slight smile on those perfect lips and when my body strays away from his for a millisecond his hand instantly flies up grabbing onto my side pulling me into him.
It's that muscle memory thing again since he is still completely asleep. Yet I don't fight it, don't wiggle away; just move my t-shirt covered body closer to him and play with the necklace that hangs around his neck.
I wonder where he got it? He has had it since I have met him and rarely takes it off. So I wonder where it came from. It's simple, nothing big to it; just a simple silver chain with a cross on it. I actually noticed it the first time we ever slept together. When he pulled away that one time to look at me; I only remember it because I remember how I wrapped my hand around it and pulled him down to kiss me.
Things were so simple back then. I knew what I was feeling and wanting and needing and the answers were always so simple.
Lucas.
Nothing more I had to think about, discuss or anything just that it was and always would be Lucas. I wonder where it all went downhill. Where we lost each other because I do think for a period we lost each other and I just miss him. I know that is nuts being as right now we are in bed and in each others' arms but it feels weird. I can't explain the feeling in my stomach I feel; just like I can't explain where his necklace came from.
"Hi," he arches his body forward, stretching his legs that are entangled with mine and opening his eyes. "What time is it?" He questions with a yawn.
"Early," I whisper running my finger over a small scar close to his nose. It's something else I never notice; well I mean I have noticed but never knew where it came from. "Where did this scar come from?" I run my finger slowly back over it as he once again shifts to wake up more.
"I broke my nose when I was little," he tells me running his hand up my bare covered leg making my whole body tense up. I should have worn his gym shorts or boxers or something because I know Lucas in the mornings; especially early morning and the fact I haven't let him touch me in weeks I know its crossing his mind.
"How?" I try to ignore the racing in my chest and the dryness of my mouth as his hand hikes up his old t-shirt and his thumb strokes my hip bone.
"I got in a fight," he wiggles his body closer to mine. "It wasn't that big of a deal." He whispers leaning in closer and I duck my head down so his lips land on the top of my head.
"Did it hurt?" I ask swallowing hard when I peer my eyes back up to see him looking at me. It's an instance look, one that screams he doesn't know what he is supposed to be doing anymore and he is trying hard.
However he doesn't say that; doesn't complain that I just once again avoid kissing him and that I once again am avoiding being touched by him. He just lets out a frustrated sigh, presses a kiss to my forehead and rolls out of the bed saying, "I'm going to go take a shower."
"Ok," my voice feels so weak and I know he doesn't hear it since the door closes before it's even out.
"What are you doing tonight?" I ask Lucas when I walk into the living room after my shower. I'm back in his t-shirt but I also have on a pair of his boxers on. Don't really think it's fair to walk around him half covered, not when he is extremely sexually frustrated.
"I got nothing planned," he shrugs dropping some eggs down in front of me.
"I'm not really hungry," I tell him and his eyes lock hard onto mine.
"When did you eat last?" He questions making me growl a little shifting in the stool.
"I ate lunch yesterday, but it was a late lunch." I tell him quickly.
"Damn it Brooke!" He drops the pan in his hand on the stove annoyed. "You aren't going to get better if you are just eating how you always eat."
"I'm not eating how I always eat!" I shove the plate back as I stand. "God since I was little I haven't eaten breakfast and it's not really changing as I get older."
"Well it's almost 11 and maybe if you would have eaten breakfast more you wouldn't be sick," he spins around to look at me; worry all over his face.
"Luke…" I frown rounding around the corner of the counter walking up to him. "I'm not sick." I tell him sliding my hands up his arms and around his neck.
"Brooke you are sick and you're not going to get better if you don't change your ways," he frowns leaning his head against mine. "God I need you to be ok," he whispers down to me.
"I'm ok."
"Do you have any clue how much I need you in my life?" he questions me. "I admit it; I realize that I need you ok? God we spent weeks apart and I thought I lost you I felt like I died a little inside, don't you get that."
"I get that Lucas, I understand that. God you act like I didn't feel the same way in any of that. Trust me I felt just as much pain as you," I don't mean to come across harsh but I can't help it. Yet then I go to walk away and his hand grabs onto my arm and when I look back into his gorgeous blue eyes I do feel a little guilty.
"I need you to be ok," he repeats looking me dead in the eyes, looking at me so intently that it almost scares me. "So please just eat," his expression softens as his hand slips down my arm and links his fingers through mine.
"Ok," I let out an exhausted sigh as I look down at our locked hands. "I'll eat something," I promise feeling like arguing with him on this is pointless. Even if I go home and eat enough to feed a small country he won't care unless he is sitting in front of me and seeing it.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes and I'm a little confused. "I shouldn't have grabbed you like that, I'm sorry."
"Its fine," I give a one shoulder shrug leaning up and giving him a kiss that seems to feel just a little awkward. "Do you want to come with me to my family's tonight?"
"Where ya'll going?" He asks me still standing next to him; his thumb stroking my hand.
"We are going to my grandparent's house. It's Papa's 78th birthday and the family was all going to get together."
"Yeah I'll go," he flashes me a small smile that I can't help but smile at.
"Thank you," I slide my arms around his neck and he wraps his arms around my body hugging me.
"I missed you the other night," he kisses my shoulder and I can't help when my body tenses thinking about that night. It's been about a week since it's happened and I haven't told him yet, and when the night gets brought up all I think about is Shawn sitting so close to me, how he kissed me and how the feeling in my stomach thinking about it makes me sick. I can't believe it happened, I can't believe I let it happen.
"I missed you too," I tighten my grip around him kissing the side of his neck. "I missed you so much."
"Ugh!" I growl when I turn around seeing Megan talking to Lucas. We have been at my grandparent's house for about an hour and Megan has seemed to be talking to my Lucas way too much. Now of course I'm not worried Lucas would give her the time of day but he is being nice and I know Megan; she will take a polite Lucas as being something so much more then it is. "Ever just want a serious drink?" I mumble as I keep my eye locked on my boyfriend.
"Sissy I'm eleven," I turn my head seeing my little brother. "Of course I sometimes want a serious drink," he jokes making me let out a real laugh.
"Oh little man," I shake my head taking a sip of my drink. "Here, have a sip," I hand him my drink and he looks at it and I nod at him to take a sip.
"What is it?" he questions with a smile about having a sip.
"Just try it, it's good I promise," I wink and he slowly puts the drink to his lips before tilting the glass back for a sip.
"Sissy!" He gets a grossed out face wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "That is gross; you know I hate sweet tea."
"Sorry," I shrug biting back a laugh.
"Sissy," I look down at the boy next to me who really isn't a little boy anymore. "I know we aren't supposed to talk about it because it makes you upset but I just wanted to say I think you would be an awesome mom," he flashes me a smile, a sad smile but a smile.
"I love you, you know that?" I look at him and quickly give him a tight hug, tears burning in my eyes. "And you are probably the best little brother in this whole world." I kiss his head.
"Well I love you too, and as a sister you're not that bad," he jokes making me a laugh as we pull away.
"Oh thanks," I tease wiping the corner of my eye.
"Yeah I will leave you to go see your boyfriend…" he turns to leave but pauses, "Ya'll don't do anything gross," he jokes pointing at me and I laugh shaking my head and mumbling ok.
Looking back up I see Lucas look up about that time locking eyes with me and offering a small smile. I want to tell him about the kiss but I don't know how. I don't know how he will react or what he will think or anything.
"Brooke!" Megan's tone of excitement is so fake it makes me sick inside. I don't like girls like her, they are just so fake, so 'I like want to be your best friend forever, let's go shopping! Omg! I love you,' type and it makes me sick, because they are in your face like that but 'secretly don't leave your boyfriend around because I'll take him' sorta of girls; yeah hate them.
"Megan," I clench my teeth at how close she is sitting to Lucas. I swear she is practically in his lap.
"Luke and I were just talking about how glad we were you brought him, he is a real great guy Brooklyn," she smiles a huge plastic smile placing her hand on his leg.
"Yeah I know that," I growl, my eyes dropping to her hand which I know Lucas notices since he slowly slides his leg to the side making it drop like it was an accident. "But you know Meg I think Aunt Tina was looking for you," I lie with a smile etched on my face.
"Oh ok," she jumps up and I am almost positive you can see her ass hanging out of the back of her dress. Yet it's not even a dress its one of those shirts that is long, too long for a regular shirt but way too short to wear just as a dress, well Megan went for the dress part. "Well I will talk to you guys later, bye Luke." She gives him a wink before skips off her 'dress' riding up a little more as she does.
"Slut," I mumble falling down next to my boyfriend annoyed.
"Come on baby don't be like that she was just being nice," Lucas gives my knee a squeeze but I just cross my arms over my chest. "Pretty Girl…" he leans closer resting his chin on my shoulder.
"You don't have to just flirt with her right in my face," I yank my shoulder forward making his chin drop.
"I wasn't flirting with her," he objects trying to keep his voice low but still showing he was upset with my comment. "She might have been flirting with me but I wasn't flirting, hell I wasn't even talking to her really!"
"Whatever," I grumble pushing off the couch and walking away from him. I don't know why I just snapped at him, he probably wasn't flirting with her but I can't help it. It's like I'm acting as if he kissed someone else, which he didn't but still. How come that's how it works? I possibly cheated on him yet I accuse him like he did it. God I'm screwed up.
"Brooke what is wrong?" Lucas follows me as I head up the stairs to the room we are staying in tonight. My family figured since it would be late we would just sleep over and then all have breakfast with Papa and Grandmama in the morning.
"Nothing, I'm sorry," I apologize as dig through my bag for a jacket or something, well actually just doing it to keep me busy.
"Nothing? Nothing is wrong yet you just picked a fight with me for no reason?" He questions but I just ignore him as I zip the bag up and head over to the dresser, already knowing there is nothing in there I will need. "God I don't get what is wrong with you. All week you have been just acting so weird and I can't figure it out."
"I said I was sorry," I mumble out as I shut the dresser and walk over to the bed and pull a few of the extra pillows off and tossing them on the floor.
"Don't be sorry Brooke just talk to me, I mean damn you got pissed at me the other day for talking to Rachel!" He snaps at me and I cringe a little at that. I didn't mean to get bitchy that day but again I got-, I don't know what I got because I don't know if you could really call it jealous or not but I got something and all he was doing was talking to Rachel. I of course felt terrible later, apologized to my best friend, explained what I was feeling and she told me she understood. Guess that's what best friends do. You fight and they make up and its always ok at the end of the day, "I swear I don't know what is going on because I have never been this confused and trust me in our relationship I have had many times of being completely confused when it came to you."
Then I don't know what happened, he admitted I was making him confused and I felt something building up in my throat and before I could stop myself I blurted out, "I kissed someone else!" and he completely freezes in the middle of the room.
"What?" He asks turning to look at me and I see the shock spread all over his face and I want to take what I said back. I want to have not just yelled that at him but it did, it came out and I know I better explain quick because the look he is giving me is scaring me.
"The other night when I went out with Rachel, Haley and Peyton, I was sitting at the bar and this guy came up and we were just talking and I don't know how it happened but he…he kissed me." Then all of a sudden all that nerve I had built up to tell him completely vanishes "I don't know how it happened ok?" I tell him yet he still stands completely still just looking at me, "Luke…" I walk over grabbing his arm, but it scares me how he just jerks it away, "Lucas I am sorry ok? God I am so sorry."
"It was when you were out with Rachel, Peyton and Haley? When ya'll went to Tric?" He asks in a scary calm tone and I just nod, "Wow," he lets out a dry laugh sitting on the bed, "I'm so stupid, so damn stupid," he shakes his head running his hands over his face.
"Lucas…" I move to sit next to him on the bed yet again it scares me when he stands up walking away from me, I don't like him not wanting me nowhere near him.
"You see here I thoughts my girlfriend came by my place that night because she wanted to see me, that she wanted to be with me yet in reality she came by because some asshole…" And now his tone is harsher, "Decided it was ok to kiss her. Yet what is funny is my girlfriend let him!"
"I didn't let him alright and when he did I pushed him away. I swear that I pushed him away from me and it shouldn't have happened I know that alright. I didn't want it to happen."
"Ok Brooke…" Lucas gives me a look never in my time with him he has given me, "I am going to explain something too you. If a guy sits talking to a girl at a bar he isn't expecting to buy her a drink, listen to her problems and leave with nothing!" He snaps at me.
"I know that Lucas!" I raise my voice but quickly yank it back since I can't be mad at him for being upset, I was wrong here, what I did was wrong. "I'm sorry."
"Is this payback or something?" He asks and I look at him completely confused by what this would be payback for.
"What?"
"I kissed Aislinn; I hurt you so now you finally get to cash that kiss in with some jackass at a bar!" He yells making me flinch, "God Brooke I thought we were over that, I thought you were ok with and it on top of that we weren't together!"
"This wasn't some form of payback Lucas! God…" I stand up running my hand through my hair, "It just happened…"
"Kissing someone just doesn't happen Brooke," he sighs and I feel so bad, I never meant to hurt him, but it did just happen. I never planned on it happening, it's not like I went out planning on kissing someone, I swear it just happened, "You know what the worst part is?" He asks but I just stay still looking at him, "That was almost a week ago."
"Lucas…"
"But hey guess as long as you told me right?" His tone is so fake it makes me sick inside, "Maybe next week you will drop the ball you actually slept with him," he spins around towards the door.
"Lucas I swear to god I-" Yet the slamming of the door cuts me off.
Guess I deserve that.
After thinking by myself for a few minutes I head downstairs to find my boyfriend and hopefully not argue. I don't want to argue in front of my family but on top of that I am so tired of fighting with him in general about everything. Yet I guess him being mad at me is legit, he has every right being mad at the fact I kissed someone else, but it was just a kiss. A kiss that was short and I felt nothing with and never wanted.
"Luke…" I walk into the kitchen finding him mixing himself a drink along with two others, "What are you doing?"
"Jerry asked if I could make him, your mom and Grandmother a drink." He tells me without ever once looking at me.
"Are you drinking?" I question because he drinks more when he is hurt or stressed and I really don't like when we are arguing and he drinks. He isn't mean or anything he just won't listen to a word I say.
"I'm a big boy Brooke; I can pretty much drink when I choose." He informs me like I am stupid not knowing any of that.
"Lucas can we please just talk about this?" I beg leaning on the counter standing close to him.
"I don't want to talk about it." He grabs the drinks brushing past me and down the stairs to where everyone is.
"Well I really do." I try again but keeping my voice low so the entire downstairs doesn't hear us arguing, "Can't we just go back upstairs or outside or something? I want to know what you are thinking."
"You don't want to know what I am thinking right now." Lucas tells me handing a drink to my Grandmother and Papa which they both thank as he moves over to my mom.
"I do Lucas. I do want to know what you are thinking." I once again beg him to talk.
"No you really don't." He hands a drink over to my mom.
"Thank sweetie." She smiles yet I know catches the look on my face, she knows me to well to not know when something is bothering me.
"No problem." Lucas forces a smile before walking away and I follow before my mom questions something, I do not need to have that talk with her right now.
"Lucas just listen to me then." I beg wanting him just to let me explain, "I just need you to understand."
"Understand what Brooke?" He spins quickly around to look at me, so fast that I almost ran right into him, "Understand the fact my girlfriend is all fine making out with some guy she has known an hour yet doesn't let me within ten feet of touching her without completely freaking out? Are you going to explain that to me? Make me understand that because that would be fantastic!" He yells making the entire room go hush as they turn to look at us.
"Lucas come on; not here." I beg yet can pretty much tell he is not going to be for leaving the room.
"No!" He yells, yup told ya, "You want to explain, want to make me understand well make me understand! Because to me it's completely confusing how I can't touch you, get near you without you jumping away from me! Without you pushing me back or telling me to stop! But then you went and did what you did!"
"I know you are not doing that! I know there is no way you are doing this." I growl finding this all unbelievable.
"Doing what Brooke? Not just being completely ok with what you did?"
"You are not throwing that in my face!" I yell now completely livid, "There is no way in hell the boy I have fallen for would ever throw that back at me." I clench my jaw not believing he said that, not believing at all this stupid argument is because I don't want to have sex with him! "You know exactly why I don't want that happening!"
"I don't know why because you won't damn talk about it! It's like in your head you don't discuss it, don't think about it or bring it up it didn't happen! Well guess what Brooke it happened ok!" He yells at me and it's like I don't even control my body or anything when my hand flies hitting him right across the face.
"Brooke!" I hear the gasp of my mom and the kids but I don't care, it's like for the past few weeks with everything building up all came out with that one slap and now I know the gates have flown open and every emotion inside both of us is about to come out.
"Don't!" I hiss, my eyes swelling with tears as I shove my finger in his face, him keeping his head in the position it turned when I hit him, "Don't say that too me! Don't ever tell me I act like it didn't happen. I know it happened, I know better than anyone what happened!"
"Really?" His tone is cold turning to look at me. "You really are the only one who knows what you are feeling?"
"You don't know what I am feeling Lucas! No one does and what I feel is completely justified." I growl spinning on my heels away from him, him being right that right now I don't want to be within ten feet of him.
"I didn't say it wasn't justified Brooke!" He says as I spin around to look at him, "I understand what you are feeling ok! I get it and I am not going to push you on anything but god damn it I can't have you pushing me away!" He snaps back at me running his hands through his hair and I don't know where that came from. I don't get how we went from us talking about some stupid kiss, turned into my slapping him, us fighting once again and me pushing him away. I don't know how it got to this point but hell if we aren't here.
"I am not pushing you away! Just because I don't want to have you touch me doesn't mean I am pushing you away!" I yell and see my mom and the kids look down at the ground as the rest of the people in the room look more than uncomfortable.
"No Brooke you aren't pushing; you are shoving!" He yells and I see my family looking at us, giving the look of wanting to leave the room but almost like they are frozen. Almost like they can't get their feet to listen to their brain and they are frozen listening to everything.
"Fine I am shoving! You don't understand Lucas, you don't get! You aren't feeling what I am feeling!" I yell back cursing the tears that are threatening to fall. God damn him for making me get upset over this again. I thought he was ok with everything that was going on, that after his accident he would be ok with what I was feeling. Honestly I thought I would be ok with it, that the thought of losing him made me realize I just need to get over it but I can't get over it. I can't and I don't know why, "You won't ever get it! I lost my baby!" I yell and hear the shock of the room who didn't know this. I mean yeah my family knew, yeah my grandparents knew but not the entire family, I mean we didn't send out a news letter or something, "It's not there anymore! There is nothing there! My baby is gone!"
"No Brooke," Lucas shakes his head at me, "You lost our baby. Our baby is gone." He says and I don't think I have ever seen the look of pain like this on my boyfriend's face before, "Yeah maybe you feel something differently, more pain than I do because you had him or her inside of you, you knew about it when it was alive and I just found out after the fact but I still lost my baby. That baby was still just as much a part of me as it was you and it doesn't mean that I don't think about it every day."
"Lucas…" I whisper not thinking about that before. Wow I must be just a bitch thinking I was the only one hurt by all this, that I was the only one who lost something here.
"Brooke I love you." Lucas sighs shaking his head from side to side, "But you're killing us." He frowns and I feel my whole heart shatter, "I am trying so hard here. I am trying everything I can to get you to understand, to get you to realize I love you but I swear to god it's not working."
I need to say something, I need some amazing speech of love to fix this but I swear as I stand in front of him and no words seem to come out. Like I think I have become a mute or something. My mouth opens and it closes and it opens just to close again. What is wrong with me?
"I wish sometimes I could just read what was going on in your head because I think if I could I might be able to understand some of this. I am here Brooke, I am right here in front of you but it's like it doesn't matter. It's like no matter what I do I can't get you to open up to me about what you are feeling! I swear there is like something programmed in your head that runs as soon as I get to close. Like you open up just a little and then slam it off as soon as it doesn't go exactly how you thought."
"I'm just scared." I whisper almost ashamed looking down studying the ground and just like that day in my bedroom all those months back notice how Papa should redo the carpet, that Grandmama should paint another picture to hang on the back wall, just like our first ever talk I focus on anything but the boy in front of me.
"Of being happy?" He questions and I just look straight at the ground, "God I swear I don't get it! I mean I don't get anything and I am so sorry Tori that I am having this little spill here and Jerry and BJ doing it in the middle of your family party but I just don't know what I am supposed to be doing here." He confesses throwing his hands in the air and it almost irritates me when I see my grandmother and my Papa smile waving their hand at him. Like they are agreeing with his little outburst on me, "Brooke I have made it more than clear in all the ways I know that if you just trust me I am not going to hurt you! But you just let your insecurities take over every damn time. You let the fact your mom has gotten hurt play a factor in our relationship."
"I don't do that!" I yell missing the hurt look my mom has, well trying to miss it but it kind of hard when it's slapping you completely across the face.
"You do, do that!" He yells back shaking his head at me, "Brooke I told you, I promised I was never going to leave you but I don't know maybe I shouldn't have promised it."
"Lucas…" I am almost pleading whatever the hell is about to come out of his mouth; he stops right there. That he doesn't just end us in the middle of my whole family but I can't get anymore words out because as soon as he said he shouldn't have promised it my throat tightens up and my breath becomes weak and I feel sick.
"Maybe…." He shakes his head as he thinks and I hate I can't read his face, I can't read anything, "Maybe my promise should have been I am never going to leave you because I stopped loving you. That promise I can actually keep because honestly having someone shove you away, even if it hurts like hell to lose them, having the person you love running away from you, you can really only take so much of." He confesses as he walks pass me his arm grazing mine as he did.
I hear him give another apology to my grandparent, I hear as Tony follows him up the stairs and I hear as someone in the place whispers something to someone else but I honestly don't move. I just stay focused on the empty spot my boyfriend was just standing in taking deep breaths and swallowing hard as tears fall.
I feel like maybe if I just don't move this wouldn't be happening, that my boyfriend possibly just breaking up with me didn't happen and that maybe if I close my eyes tight enough I will somehow transport back into the first night I brought him here, the first night we were ever together because I would do so many different things if that happened.
The water moving under the bridge beneath me is making a peaceful sound. It's almost soothing, relaxing and if tears weren't dropping from my eyes into the water below it would be a perfect scene.
The sound of leaves crunching behind me should scare me, they are heavy, loud, and the breaking of the old dead leaves makes my body cringe a little but I don't move. I don't turn to see who is approaching me because honestly unless said footsteps are going to kill me my night can't get any worse.
Yet then the body gets closer and the wind blows giving me a familiar scent which makes me completely at ease. Figure he would be the one to come see me.
"Figured I would find you here," his deep gravelly voice says as he sits down next to me dropping his feet of the old wooden bridge, letting them dangle like mine.
"Yeah," my voice is weak and more of a whisper as I wipe the tears that just won't stop.
"Remember the first time I brought you here?" He questions as I lay my head on his shoulder, "It was just kind of like tonight."
"Yeah, it was dark, scary and I got in a huge fight in front of everyone." I let out a bitter laugh thinking about it as he just chuckles.
"You had that fight with Richard if I remember and it was all because he took away your baby bear and if I recall you kicked him," he chuckles making me let out a laugh.
"He should have known better then to take something away from me my Papa gave me. He was just jealous I love you more."
"Well what can I say, I'm awesome," he jokes making me smile more.
"You're the best Papa, I love you," I whisper staring into the water below.
"I love you too Honey Bun," he whispers kissing the top of my head, "I also remember how scared you were."
"Well I was four and it was dark and you were trying to get me to jump off a bridge," I remind him.
"I know, I know," he laughs as we stay quiet a few minutes. "Remember what I told you though?" He asks and I nod, "I said you can't let the fear of something enable you from trying it. Don't ever let the fear stop you from taking a plunge because you never know what it might bring."
"I know," I tell him dragging in a long shaky breath, "But this is different Papa. This isn't just about jumping into some water."
"You know I was a lot like you when I was younger," Papa says as he tosses a rock in the water, "I wasn't for the whole falling in love thing. I understood love was real and out there but I just never thought I would have one of those long lasting relationships, but then I saw your Grandmother." His whole face lights up as I lift my head to look at him, "Me and my friend were sitting outside his house and she and her cousin walked by and as soon as I saw her I knew I was a goner. I was never nervous around girls but when we stopped to talk to them I don't think I even put a real sentence together, I was more than positive she thought I was just stupid." He says making me laugh, "Yet we talked to them a few minutes and then they left, continued walking down the street."
"You just let her leave?" I ask not believing that, I thought they just met at school, didn't know it was a random chance meeting and not believing Papa just let her walk away.
"Yeah I did. I let her walk down the street and kept talking to Billy, my friend, yet the whole time we were talking I kept thinking about her. Thinking how she was probably the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I don't know I didn't want to let her go that easy. So we jumped in the car and started driving hoping to pass them again and for some reason with all the million back roads and main roads we turned on the road they were walking on and there they were and I just knew and I looked at Billy and one told him I saw her first and second that I was going to marry that girl."
"And you did." I grin loving their love, it's the best and most amazing anyone could ask for.
"I did." He smiles looking down as he thinks, "But we had our problems, we really did. Her parents loved me yet her dad wasn't crazy about my motorcycle and her mom wasn't crazy about me being four years older; they thought we were too serious for her being so young but I didn't care. With her moving states, me being shipped off to war it didn't matter because it always just came back to the fact we loved each other."
"And love can fix everything."
"Well not everything but it can fix a hell of a lot. Now I don't know what you feel for Lucas. I don't know what you feel inside or what your head is telling you and I don't know if your heart is working against your head but I do know one thing…" He pauses turning to look at me dead in the eye, "I see that look he gives you, it's very much like the one I give your Grandmother and its one that the person giving almost hates having. No one wants to be the one in the relationship that loves the most but it happens. I know with everything inside of me your Grandmother loves me more than anything, that her life is not complete without me in it but I also know there is not a day that passes that I don't go to bed praying to God he takes me first because I can't live a life without her every morning."
"But its hard Papa, it hurts so much." I hold my hand to my heart as tears once again blur my vision, "I am so petrified that he is going to leave me; that soon he is going to not want to be with me anymore and I would rather push him away before he pushes me."
"But he is not going to push you away." He lets out a small laugh shaking his head, "Brooke you are not your mother. You are two totally different people yet sadly you are totally the same. You carry her insecurities, her fears and her way of thinking. You will take the small fear of getting hurt and shove it away because to you it's easier when in reality it's not."
"But I'm losing him already, I can feel it. I feel in my heart he is disappearing and I feel him slowly not wanting to be with me anymore."
"Then you fight for him. You fight like hell, push everything out of the way and never, ever let him go." He looks me dead in the eyes as I slowly nod, "You are slowly killing that boy inside Brooke, everyone sees it, the pain he feels only because of the pain you feel. When you love someone as much as I love your Grandmother or Lucas's does you all you want to do is protect them and god you see that all over his face, the killing pain inside by him knowing he can't protecting you anymore. That he knows the one thing in this world he wants to give everything to he can't and it's like a slow eating away pain."
"God it's not fair!" I yell taking a rock and throwing it in the water, "This relationship is so hard. It's like through the whole thing we are fighting, breaking up, having maybe a few good weeks of bliss and then something goes wrong and it's not supposed to be this hard Papa, love isn't supposed to be this difficult."
"Says who huh? Who out there said love was an easy meet, fall, marriage, happiness? I will tell you, no one because that isn't true. If you feel like this love is hopeless, that this relationship is not something that might last forever then what is the point still being in it?"
"Because…because I can't picture my life without him in it." I admit knowing it's true, "Even at just 18, I can't see a day when Lucas isn't there, a future with him not in it."
"Then you just have to accept its going to be hard. That you will fight, you might have another break up and another big blown out fight in front of everyone but if it's true, if this is what is supposed to be then at the end of the day it will be ok. Trust me I would rather fight with your Grandmother then love anyone else."
"What if he is done with me though? You saw him Papa he said he was going to leave me."
"No what I heard was someone who felt at the end of his rope and not sure on what he was supposed to do anymore. That feared that he was losing the girl he loves and trying to accept the fact she just may not love him anymore."
"But I do! God I do love him and I do want to be with him!"
"Then tell him that." He says in his calming tone as I drop my shoulders with a sigh, "Don't tell me; tell him."
Walking up the stairs to where I know my boyfriend is I let my footsteps be quiet. I am shaking so much, my tears have stopped but they are still there and my gaze is slightly blurred by it and it feels with every step my heart races more and my breaths become shakier.
Holding onto the door handle the door slides over the dark carpet into the dark room and I see my boyfriend sitting on the edge of the bed face buried in his hands and thinking. He is thinking so much and my heart is racing so fast as I slowly slide the door, shutting it behind me yet he doesn't move. He just stays completely still.
Shaking my head I move faster across that bedroom then anyone I have ever known and pull myself into his lap. I knock his hands away from his face, place my knees on either side of his legs, wrap my arms so tight around his neck I might suffocate him and I start to cry again.
"Please don't leave me." I beg as he slowly almost hesitantly wraps his arms around my shaking frame, "Please Luke, please. I need you." I cry burying my face in his neck, "I don't work without you; I don't know how to work without you." My shaky voice cracks as I pray to everything that he doesn't leave me, "I'll do whatever, I'll open up; I won't push you away. I will do whatever you want just please Lucas, please don't leave me."
"Brooke…" He finally speaks rubbing his hand slowly up and down my back.
"I love you so much Lucas. I have never in my life loved someone or something as much as I love you. I can't lose you." I tell him pulling from my death grip and kissing him. I kiss him and I know it surprises him as I try to shove my tongue past his lips but he doesn't let me. They just stay locked together as I whimper slamming my eyes tight shaking my head, "Please Lucas." I lean my forehead against his holding his face in my hands.
"Brooke…" He frowns and when he opens his mouth to speak I get scared and just kiss him again. I just slam my mouth into his so hard our bodies fall back onto the bed. I'm still crying which sucks but he is kissing me back which makes it better. My body is lying across his and he is kissing me just not like he normally does, my kiss is desperate, his is just like it's going in a steady motion with mine but not putting much more effort into it. I pull away from our kiss long enough to pull my top off before collapsing back on top of him and kissing him again, yet again he isn't kissing me back and when my hand travels down to undo his jeans he pushes my hand away.
"Brooke stop," he pushes me off running his hands over his face. "Just stop."
"Don't you want me?" I question feeling my heart break.
"No," he tells me quickly and I look away from him out the dark window in front of me. He has never said that to me before, he has never pushed me off him, or plain out told me he didn't want me before.
"Oh my god," my heart shatters into a million pieces as I climb off him and the bed, "I'm sorry." I apologize grabbing my shirt off the ground holding it close to my body and for the first time feeling uncomfortable around my boyfriend, first time feeling embarrassed around him, "I'm sorry." I repeat moving towards the door.
"Brooke wait, I didn't-" yet I cut off the sound of his voice by shutting the door and taking off down the hall to the darkened room at the end.
I am probably the most screwed up person in the whole world! I really don't know one person who might be more screwed up then me. I don't deserve him, I don't deserve anything that Lucas gives me and he is right I am shoving him away but I don't know how to stop! I don't know how to fix me because I want to, I want to not be so screwed up and be happy but it's like every time we get in a good place something happens. Something knocks us down and I don't want it to happen anymore.
In the last months I have been so happy. I have honestly never been happier and I don't know why I can't just let myself be happy with being happy. I don't know why I can't just wake up and realize I have a great guy who loves me! He is so in love with me and everyone sees it, everyone knows it I even know it but I still push him away.
The feelings I have building up in me are getting too much to handle and I think that is why I exploded earlier. God I can't believe I slapped him! I can't believe I reared back and hit the person who probably cares about me more than anyone I have ever known.
I can't lose him.
Alright that is the main thing that I know for sure. I may be confused on my thoughts, my feelings, my wants and everything but I know for a fact I cannot lose Lucas. I need him in my life, he has been such a constant that I don't know if I will know how to act or work if he isn't here anymore.
But how do I get him to get that? How do I make him see that I need him here with me still? I'm so scared he thinks I forgot, that I don't want or need him anymore but I do. He was right earlier, it was our baby, it wasn't just mine and for some reason, for some selfish reason I forgot that.
I forgot that he could feel pain, that just because I felt our baby that it was somehow any less his. What kind of person am I? What kind of person thinks that way and how can I say I love him when I don't for a second even think about what he is feeling, what he wants.
"God," I wipe a tear that slipped off my eye as I toss my diary back in purse. I need to see Lucas, I need to make us right again and I need to find him. Standing up, I check my appearance in the mirror, I fix my smudge make up and I go on search for him.
He isn't in the bedroom when I pass by nor is he anywhere upstairs and as I wonder downstairs my heart is probably racing faster than it has in my entire life by what I am about to do. Lucas has proven himself to me over and over again and it's about time I do it. It's my turn to give the boy I love the declaration of love and I am ready to do that; that is if I can find him.
I step onto the last step into the finished basement walking into the large room to find him sitting talking to Jason and Tony, I don't know what they are talking about but I can give you a guess as my boyfriend runs his hands through his hair. He has a habit of doing that when he is nervous, or hurt, just one more thing I have noticed about him.
Everyone is talking among themselves until I walk into the room and when I do it's like a domino effect of eyes landing on me and people tapping the person next to them making them turn and look at me. I'm pretty sure every eye in this place is on me but the ones I want on me.
Swallowing hard I clear the lump that has formed in my throat and extremely raspy and cracked I talk, "Hi," and Lucas's head shots up to look at me and I see all the pain on that face I have grown to love so much and I want so bad to erase it, "Umm…" I mumble tossing a nervous glance at Papa who gives me a wink, "Alright I don't… I don't know where to start this." I confess taking in a deep breath, "but I know I want to start this." Yeah that probably sounded stupid, I really need to plan out the way things I want more before I go and do them, "But ok so about two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant."
I see how everyone mumbles something to each other, share whispers and looks and I just shake my head not caring because there is nothing wrong with me, what happened wasn't something to be ashamed of and I let them all know that quickly, "I'm not embarrassed by that, I don't feel like I am a whore for getting pregnant as a teen because my baby wasn't made out of some one night of drunkenness, my baby was made out of complete love because god I love you Luke," I address just him locking my eyes on those gorgeous orbs that just seem to see everything that is me, "But you see I…" then my voice cracks and the words get caught in my throat and I have to look down a second to get control my emotions.
"Brooke sweetie…" I hear Grandma start to say but I shake my head at her to stop then hear Papa whisper a 'let her talk' as I look back up at everyone.
"I lost my baby." I whisper out as a tear slips down my cheek, "I lost our baby." I say looking back at my boyfriend, "Then not only did I find out I lost our baby I found out I can't have kids at all anymore."
"Brooklyn." One of my Aunts sigh shaking her head as her along with a few others cover their hand to the mouth's shocked by this.
"I remember the night I told you I loved you." I start talking to just my boyfriend but still standing locked on the other side of the room away from him, "Do you remember?" I ask stupidly as once again my voice cracks being I'm sure no more than a small whisper.
"Of course I do." He whispers back to me and I nod for a second as we stay quiet.
"We were fighting once again." I shrug and he nods this time knowing this, "I'm pretty sure I called you an idiot," I give a dry laugh making everyone give a small laugh before going silent again, "But while telling you that you were an idiot I yelled I loved you and then I ran out of the house." I again get a laugh from everyone.
"I know Pretty Girl," he gives a small smile and my heart does a flip that he said Pretty Girl, least as of now I'm still his Pretty Girl.
"Then you chased after me since all you seem to do is chase after me because I'm a complete idiot who runs too much. Then you grabbed me and kissed me and said you loved me too," I biting my trembling lip giving a small shrug, "Then we went inside and we made love and you gave me a look no one in my entire life has ever given me and that look scared me."
"Brooke…" He stands up and I take a step back making him stop on the other side of the room.
"It scared me because I saw myself getting everything I ever wanted," I cry. "Because I saw myself being completely happy and in love and content with my life and I let myself fall for that happiness. I let myself give myself to you completely and I saw the happy ending at the end of the road. I saw myself getting that stupid white house with the damn picket fence things because I saw you giving me everything I wanted, but then I took that test and…"
"It's ok," Lucas says when I look down losing my words again, "Pretty Girl it's ok." but I shake my head wanting to finish, needing to finish.
"And it said positive, it said I was having a baby, your baby and as bad as it sounds I was again happy." I confess once again swallowing hard, "I was happy because it felt almost right. Even though I was so terrified I felt like you were going to make it ok so I didn't need to worry. That our baby was just on the path to the happy ending, but then when I went to the doctor and I heard lost it," I shake my head of the thoughts and I look over seeing mom wipe her eye quickly, "I got scared again. I saw everything I was happy for crumbling around me and I couldn't stop it and it was like a realization that things don't stay perfect. Things don't stay and happen the way it supposed to happen."
I wipe my tears quickly inhaling a deep breath to finish, "I had this fear inside of me that we were going to be together forever-"
"Why does that scare you?" Lucas cuts me off almost annoyed sounding and I know how frustrated he is, "Why are you not ok with being with me forever?"
"Because I had this fear of you feeling stuck," I confess and see his shoulders drop, "I had this fear that you would be with me because you felt you had to and I hate the fact I can't ever give you a baby because I know you want kids someday and I can't give you that. I won't ever be able to give you that." I see how stunned he is by that fact, by that fear and I see him open his mouth to speak but just closing it again not sure what to say, "I am not meaning to push you away Lucas I'm just scared. I'm scared of feeling what I felt when I lost our baby all over again and I guess a part of me blamed you for it all." I admit and see the pain take over his whole face and body.
"You…you blamed me?" He whispers more to himself looking at the ground like he was trying to figure everything out, figure out why I blamed him.
"You promised to take care of me," I break giving a shrug.
"Brooke…" He starts moving towards me as I stand still.
"You promised me if I just gave myself to you completely you would protect me and then I did and I broke more than I ever thought possible. I got completely shattered and I was so mad at you for not protecting me from that pain like you promised."
"I'm sorry Pretty Girl," he whispers when he is now in front of me taking my face in his hands, "God I'm so sorry."
"I don't want to push you away I just don't want to wake up one day and you not be here since I can't give you everything you ever want in life." I bit my lip as tears start to pour over, "Luke I can't have a baby."
"We are going to get you your baby one day Pretty Girl. You are going to get that baby and you are going to be an amazing mother."
"But I can't promise you that. Why do you want to be with me if we are never going pass just this right here?"
"Because I love you," he smiles a little wiping my tears with his thumb, "Because I don't want to be with anyone but you and it doesn't matter what they can give me, or that you can't promise me a child and they can because they won't matter to me. None of that matters to me unless it's with you."
"But I want you happy."
"And as long as I am with you I am happy Brooke," He tells me. "As long as I have you in my life nothing else matters because the only time I am happy completely is when I am with you. And I know when it's time you will get that baby because you are way to amazing, and would be the most amazing mother not to get your baby." He smiles and I nod, "You're going to be happy Brooke Davis," He tells me and I let out a small sob, "You can fight it as much as you want and you can challenge me every step of the way but you are going to have to accept the fact you will be happy and you are stuck with me," he gives a comforting smile making me laugh.
"I don't mind being stuck with you." I finally smile as I look up at him, "I don't mind at all."
"Good," He grins brushing my hair out of my face, "Now come here." He whispers pulling me into him, wrapping his arms around my body and lifting me up some to kiss him. It's a real kiss, the one I love to share with him and one that I have been so desperate for I don't even care if it's in front of my entire family, all that matters right now, in this moment is the boy holding me.
"I'm breaking Lucas…" I finally confess pulling out of our kiss, "I'm breaking so fast."
"I know baby, I know you are." He brushes my tears away, "And we are going to fix you. I promise ok. I promise I am going to make sure you get better." He stresses the word promise and I can't help but nod and can't help but believe him.
"I'm sorry." I apologize as I sit in Lucas's lap on the couch in the back room away from everyone else.
"For what?" He questions as I cup his cheek running my finger across his bottom lip.
"For slapping you…I don't know why I did it. I just…"
"Shh…" Lucas hushes me shaking his head, "I deserved that. What I said was beyond wrong and I am the one that is sorry. I guess I was seeing you slip away and I was hurt and I just spoke without thinking."
"I know but I'm still sorry."
"It's ok." He promise kissing me softly, "But least I know now my girl hits like a champ." He jokes making me laugh.
"You're so dumb." I roll my eyes playfully at him my fingers stroking his cheek.
"But you love me for it." He grins letting his thumb slip under my shirt and stroking the side of my stomach.
"Yeah I do." I grin kissing him again, slowly getting more comfortable in kissing him again, "And I'm sorry I was so stupid about you touching me."
"No." He shakes his head fast, "Brooke that is not at all a problem for me ok, I understand. I know I am a dick but I swear I understand." He tells me and I just nod, "I meant what I said that night Brooke, I want you comfortable with me again, I want you to feel safe with me again and when you are ready for that I am ready. If I have to wait weeks or months for it I understand. Being with you has never been about sex."
"I know…" I tell him knowing with everything in me that is never been what he has been after, "But I do feel safe with you Lucas, I always have and I promise I am going to let you know when I am ready again."
"It's fine Pretty Girl. Never think it's not." He tells me and I nod resting my head on his chest as we sit cuddled on the couch and he kisses the top of me head.
"Brooke…" I look up from sitting on the couch with my boyfriend to see Papa walking over to us.
"Hey Papa…" I smile as he sits down on the foot rest in front of Lucas, Rachel, Tony and me, "What's up?"
"Well this coming up weekend your Grandmama and I have the condo for the week and we were going to leave Sunday." He tells me and I nod figuring this. They share a condo down in Florida with about four other families and about every two months they get to go down sometimes one week, sometimes two. We have been vacationing with them since mom and Richard got divorced and let me tell you how hard it is being in a two bedroom condo with eight people, it sometimes gets crowded.
"Well it's just your grandmother and I have been talking and we don't really want to go this week. I have a doctor's appointment, and she has something she has to do." He waves his hand around like he is annoyed with her yet everyone knows this man is never annoyed with her.
"Oh ok." I nod somewhat confused.
"Well like I said we were talking and if ya'll wanted to and were safe about it thought maybe if you wanted could go down for the week." He offers pulling his key out to show us.
"Seriously?" Tony pops up, almost knocking Rachel out of his lap as he did.
"Yeah, but like I said ya'll have to be safe, don't do anything stupid."
"We promise." I reach for the key but he pulls it back before I can get it.
"Brooke I'm serious. We had some kids go down a few year back and destroy the place and as a group we made a rule about teenagers going down. But figured Tony is 23 and Lucas is 22 so I am not technically sending teenagers down and not have adults with them." He shrugs making me smile.
"I promise Papa we will be good. We will be more than good I swear!" I hug him tight extremely excited, I think a trip away will be fantastic.
"Alright well be good." He kisses the top of my head standing up and walking away.
"Trip in Florida yay!" Rachel claps her hands excited.
"Who said you were invited?" Tony raises his brow at her as she scoffs at him.
"Like I would ever let my baby be down in Florida with beach skanks going after him, hell no." She tells him making me laugh. I have slowly grown to very much love the relationship of my brother and best friend, now sometimes it still weird's me out but they are actually amazingly cute.
"Mmm…ok." Tony smiles as they roll back into the couch, mouths glued to each other.
"What you say Broody?" I turn to Lucas, "You want to go on a trip with me?"
"Yeah Pretty Girl," he smiles pulling me down kissing me. "I want to go on a trip with you," he whispers when I rest my head against his.
"We're getting there Boyfriend," I whisper. "We are becoming us again." I tell him and he nods a smile as he leans up kissing me again.
Hey loves! So I know I have taken a little longer to update then normal but I hope I didn't disappoint! Life has become pretty crazy the last few weeks and work is slowly kicking my tail! The long days and hours of being on my feet all day when I FINALLY get home I just want to CRASH! But I did have some time and decided to write! I normally send my chapters off to get revised but I figured since I have been taking so long I would just put it up tonight so try and look passed all the errors (not sure if there are a lot but yeah.)
Also SEQUEL!
I really want to know if ya'll want one. I have already about 5 chapters written if ya'll do and it goes back and forth between POV'S. Now if you all just want me to end it I have a chapter I have written to end it that can either go at the end of this one or the SEQUEL so I really just want to know what you all want! I don't want to write it if no one wants to read it but I just LOVE the Brooke and Lucas in this story! I dont know why but I do so please please please let me know! Depending on how many votes I get on wanting it one way or the other decides what will go down.
So again hope you all enjoyed! Please Review!