He doesn't know what to say, that much is clear.
Honestly, neither do I.
I turned up to his house this afternoon, our last weekend of freedom before we're forced to go back to school, because I can't bear the idea of us not being over this when we have to go back. Luckily, we'd gotten through all over catch-up exams and in two far-too-short days we'd be starting our senior year together, at his school.
Alice, needless to say, is less than thrilled at my defection, but she understands that it's the best thing for me - for both of us - to remain together in a situation like school where there's tons of people around and things have a tendency to get a little bit overwhelming. We need to have that trust in each other to get us through it.
Although right now, that trust is feeling a little flimsy.
"Edward, we -"
"Bella, I -"
Uncomfortable laughter ensues when we try to break the silence at the same time and end up talking over each other. I'm sitting on his bed, and he's sitting on the couch that lines the wall of his room, a decision he made after I was seated because he thinks that I'm still frightened of him.
What he doesn't understand is that I could never be frightened of him.
What frightened me was the black hole that consumed him that day, when he lost himself almost completely and I lost the boy I loved. Even though it was only a few short minutes, and he'd been apologising profusely ever since, it was still awful for me to think back over that afternoon.
It was only three days ago, but all I want is for it to be completely wiped from memory.
He gestures for me to begin, and suddenly I've forgotten what I was going to say.
"Edward... I'm not... What happened the other day -"
He cuts me off with a heavy, impatient sigh.
"It was like I wasn't even fucking there, you know?"
I have to stop my mouth from dropping open in shock at his words.
"I know that sounds fucking stupid, because obviously I was there... but it was - I don't know what it was. You probably just think I was being an asshole and thinking with my dick, and I wouldn't blame you, but for me, it wasn't like that. I just... I needed to be closer, and I couldn't... I just couldn't think anything other than that.
"I know I'm an asshole, and what I'm saying is absolutely in no way a valid justification for what I did, and you should slap me and tell me to go fuck myself, but..."
He rubs his hands over his face roughly and lets out a loud groan.
"I can't even fucking explain it properly! I'm such a douchebag."
"I understand," I say, so quietly I'm not even entirely sure I've said it until his mouth drops open with surprise.
"You do? Because I feel like I'm talking completely out of my fucking ass here, and -"
"Edward."
I hold a hand up to silence him, and he nods in acquiescence.
"I saw what you're talking about. It was like the Edward that I love, he left the building, and somehow your body was just... just moving on it's own. It was horrible, but I know that you'd never treat me like that, and you stopped when I asked you to."
He quickly crosses the room and sits down beside me, but I continue before he can say anything else.
"I understand it, but that doesn't make it ok."
"I know it doesn't," he murmurs.
"And it can't happen again. You scared me, and you've never done that before."
"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella."
"I know you are, and I forgive you... but never again. You need to tell Marcus what happened, and make sure you never do that to me, because I don't know if I could see whatever that was again and still be able to look at you."
I can see out of my peripheral vision when he nods in acceptance. I sigh deeply and close my eyes, covering my face with my hands as I try to completely push it all out. I feel his fingertips lightly brush one of the hands that is locked over my eyes, and before he can pull away I snatch it in my own, placing them both in my lap.
I clutch it, pulling as much reassurance from him as I can in the hope that I can just forget this entire thing ever happened and go back to that perfect refuge that he's always provided for me. Slowly but surely, my tense posture and tenser mind begin to unravel.
"Are we... are we gonna be ok?"
His voice is so quiet that I struggle to make out the words, but the insecurity there is undeniable. He's worried that I won't be able to get past it... frightened, even.
The small, vindictive part of me that I never thought would have anything to do with Edward is happy that now he's the one that's frightened.
I sigh again, let him sweat it for a moment, before I answer.
"Yeah, we're gonna be ok."
A long pauses ensues.
"And you still dig me?"
His voice is so shy and innocent, but I can hear the playfulness hiding underneath.
"Maybe. Just a little bit."
"Phew!" he sighs dramatically and I can't help but laugh, feeling the tension of the last few days starting to disintegrate as I lean my shoulder against his.
Dig him, I most definitely do.
Mass education is fiercely overrated.
"Are you sure you can't just homeschool us?" I ask weakly as we sit in the waiting room to the principals office.
Esme laughs, her caramel hair bouncing as she shakes her head indulgently.
"As much as I do appreciate your faith in my abilities, sweet, you two are much too clever to be missing out on a proper education."
I sigh in resignation - this isn't the first time I've tried to sell her on the merits of home education.
I'm holding his hand as we sit side by side, knowing that once we enter the general school population it won't be appropriate for me to clutch him like a lifeline the entire time.
When the principal's office door opens I sigh quietly and reluctantly let his hand go, directing my gaze to the man who walks through.
Wow.
He's young... like, early thirties young, and kind of - well, kind of hot. Dressed in a blue and white striped button down shirt and charcoal pants with no tie, he looks the exact opposite of what I imagined the school principal to be. His blue eyes seem friendly and welcoming, but I can't shake the tension that always arises when I come into contact with a man I haven't met before.
"Good morning Mrs Cullen!" he says cheerfully.
She stands, laughs, and points at him with a playfully stern expression.
"Hush your mouth! You know better than to call me that."
"My deepest apologies, Esme," he corrects himself with a charming laugh of his own, and shakes her hand before turning his eyes to Edward and I. Edward doesn't seem tense, and even smiles at the man, so I force myself to relax a little.
"Edward, it's good to see you back here! And you must be Isabella Swan."
"She goes by Bella," Esme stage-whispers, and he laughs again.
"Bella, then. It's a pleasure to have you here at Dash. My name is Ashley - yes, my parents are jerks - but most people call me Ash. For the sake of propriety, however, you're probably going to have to call me Principal Greene."
"Nice to meet you," I murmur, unable to stop the small smile that comes up on my face due to his playful self-deprecation.
"The pleasure is all mine, Bella," he responds jovially, "please, come on in."
We walk into his office, Esme leading the group, and seat ourselves in the chairs opposite his desk. His office is just as welcoming as his personality, full of natural light and furniture in creams and light woods. There's a large bookcase lining one of the walls, filled not only with books but also framed, candid photos of school events and various knicknacks. It feels personal, and designed to put people at ease.
And it works.
"Now I know that a meeting with a principal isn't really protocol for your first day of school," he says to Edward and I, "but I figured that it'd be probably be easiest for me to run you through your schedules and any concerns you might have myself. And," he cups his hands around his mouth conspiratorially, "I'll take any excuse I can get to catch up with the lovely Esme Cullen."
She laughs... well, giggles would be a more accurate description, and I can only imagine the response that he gets from mothers who aren't married to men like Carlisle.
He hands Edward and I a manilla folder each, that contains our schedules, a guide to co-curricular activities and several other pieces of information regarding how things operate on campus. He talks us through everything and tells us that he's scheduled us to have some classes together, but for some we'll be separated.
"I do understand," he says in a casual but concerned tone, "that things may be a little bit of an adjustment for you both, so we'll start with this and I need you two to let me know if there'll be any issues or changes that you might need and I'll do my best to make things as smooth as I can for you. My door is always open, and I'd much prefer chatting to going over budgeting for cheerleading uniforms, so please feel free to come around whenever you like."
He winks at us, and I can't help but laugh. I abruptly realise that I'm falling under the same spell that Esme seems to be under, and try to calm myself down before I end up blushing or making a total idiot of myself.
As it turns out, we've been given a pass for first period, so Principal Greene then takes us on a tour of the school, pointing out my classrooms, the senior lunch area, and anything else I might need. Edward is of course already familiar with everything, but comes along anyway, remaining close to my side because I'm sure he's worried that I'll start stressing.
"I thought I'd give you the tour when things aren't too hectic around here," the principal explains before pointing out my locker, which is next to Edward's, a small gesture that doesn't go unnoticed.
With a look at his watch, Principal Greene hums then smiles up at us, gesturing for us to follow once more.
"Wow - time flies, doesn't it? You two have your next class in about five minutes, which I believe you share - English. Bella, from your transcripts and what the lovely Esme has to tell me, you're quite the literature fan?"
I nod shyly.
"Ok, well hopefully the curriculum we offer here will be to your liking. Most of our lit-nerds seem to find it satisfactory."
He gives another playful wink when pauses outside a door.
"Well, this is where I leave you. Your class will be starting momentarily, right here," he gestures to the door, "so have fun, get your slips signed today and please remember to let me know if there's anything you've having trouble with."
"Thanks very much, Principal Greene," Edward says, breaking a rather long silence on his part.
"You're more than welcome, both of you."
He points to Edward, his face serious.
"Edward, be good."
He turns to me, his stern expression morphing into a friendly one instantly.
"Bella, have a great day."
He laughs, waves, and walks away, leaving the two of us standing in the hall.
"He seems... nice."
"Yeah," Edward says with a reminiscent smile. "We had a few run-ins, mainly due to my being a little shit in sophmore year, but he's pretty cool."
I giggle, easily imagining what Edward could have gotten himself into.
"Are you ready for this?" he asks, seriously this time as he reaches for my hands.
Before I can answer, the bell rings, doors all over the hall fly open, and suddenly the hallway is bustling with frantic activity.
Ready or not, normality is upon us.
I'm terrified, overwhelmed, and completely ecstatic.