Dearest Christine, my wife to-be...
Only the first letter held any semblance of formality. The others were more a stream of consciousness, full of little errors and chicken scratches - the sort of thing that Raoul's tutors would have rapped his fingers for.
It is hard to believe you are almost mine, though I confess I have been yours for years.
I count the hours, did you know? I am much too distracted for meaningful work, and so I find myself staring at the clock upon the mantle, calculating how much longer I will have to wait until I have you in my arms again.
She blinked back tears. She'd been awfully quick to judge Raoul. Guilt ate at her as she thought of how he'd been genuinely missing her this whole time she'd been in turmoil over her own weighty decisions.
Again and again I have halted myself, already half-way to the stables with the intent to go back to the asylum and snatch you back. I still haven't convinced myself that I haven't made some grand mistake in allowing you to return. I hate that poor excuse for a man and I hate that you are with him.
She'd been selfish. Erik had sat her down and detailed his feelings in no uncertain terms. Raoul… the facts were literally in her hands. While she'd wavered about what she wanted in life, two men had handed her their hearts for safekeeping. Two. And I'm destined to break at least one of them.
How am I to make everyone happy?
Simply, she could not.
And yet, I know you too well, Little Lotte. You, with your big heart and gentle spirit, always wanting to see the best in people. I love that about you.
"Oh, Raoul…" she sighed, feeling a knife twist in her heart. He didn't know her at all. From the beginning, she'd been nothing but judgmental toward the kindest, most loyal people she'd ever known.
But he was merely repeating words she'd heard all her life. Her father had believed the same thing, that she was some sinless angel, above the failings of average people… and completely lacking in common sense. She'd believed it, too! How mortified she'd been when reality sunk in...
I never, never wanted you to have to experience the messiness, the ugliness that exists in the world. That you even know of its existence is a regret that I shall carry forevermore. I should have found you sooner. Now I do whatever I must to make it right. So off you go; say your goodbyes and find your closure. I can only hope that, now that you are no longer a prisoner, you can see those people for what they truly are. Then you can put it to rest, shut those months into one of those boxes so that it seems like nothing more than a bad dream - and someday, not even that.
She understood him, truly she did, just as she understood why her father had not wanted her to make those life-or-death decisions when he fell ill. They - all three of them - believed her incapable. Liked that about her. Christine, the perpetual child.
But Erik had never felt that way about her, even when she'd acted like it. He'd simply refused to believe it… and he dug and pressed and needled until this Other Christine began to emerge.
Raoul hated that. And Christine understood, empathized.
Yet, at the same time, admitted there wasn't anything she could do about it.
Have dinner with me tonight…
Raoul asked for so little. Even when she married him, she knew he wouldn't place too many demands on her. A few meals, some conversation, a portion of her day…
Unlike Erik, whom she knew would demand everything of her. Would settle for nothing less.
It was unfair to compare them. It was fruitless to keep obsessing over what could be when she should be focusing on what is. It was unfair to all three of them - and every time she did it, she found herself sliding down a trail of emotions that lead somewhere unhealthy.
And she was oh so tired of feeling unhealthy. She needed stability in her life, and Raoul was the key to that.
But forever was a very long time, indeed.
The child she'd been would have loved that. Forever, in her pretty home with her handsome husband, dreaming the days away.
But it just made Christine feel restless, chafed.
One step at a time, Christine. She held her breath and then exhaled slowly.
They were getting married, but they weren't getting married today. Today, they'd have dinner together. He wanted to woo her… and she was ready to let him. She'd give Raoul all the fairness he'd deserved after all the headache she'd caused him. And… they wereto be married, and if they wanted a happy marriage, then she needed to show Raoul that she could meet him halfway.
She looked at the dress that had been chosen for her. It was cut lower than she'd like… there'd be no hiding the ring she'd strung on a ribbon around her neck. With a resigned sigh, she lifted the necklace over her head and pressed the ring to her lips before tucking it safely away in her jewelry box.
Then she clasped her new pearl necklace around her neck, thinking it should please Raoul to see it on her.
At least they aren't sapphires, Christine thought, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Rose's eyes were made of sapphires. Christine would never be able to wear the blue stones again; there was only so much pretending a woman could do.
-0-0-
Dinner was lovely. Perfect, even. Raoul's eyes had sparkled when he took the whole of her in, pronouncing her exquisitely beautiful in her dress and jewelry. He'd kissed her cheek, held her hand just a little too long. She'd pleased him and he made sure she knew it. He made sure she felt as beautiful as he'd declared her to be. All his words were proper and respectful, but the curve of his lips was utterly besotted.
Christine was flattered, which gave her a bolt of hope. When she blushed, it was natural. Her own smiles were shy, but genuine.
The meal was divine and she knew Raoul had had the staff take extra care in preparing it. His own table etiquette was flawless and yet he did not make her feel stupid for her minor flubs here and there. She'd need practice, she suspected, before she'd be fit to meet his sisters. Christine knew her manners as well as he did, but years of camp food and kitchen scraps made it less habit and more concentrated effort. But Raoul managed to guide her through it so smoothly that, once upon a time, she might not even have noticed.
He maneuvered the conversation so masterfully that she'd wondered if he'd had instruction in that area as well. In their previous interactions, he'd flip-flopped between awkward and overbearing; she'd nearly forgotten how charming he could be when he put his mind to it.
Simply put, this was Raoul at his finest. A man determined to win a woman's heart.
And he absolutely should have succeeded.
The evening had been perfect.
She wondered how many more of them she could stand.
-0-0-
"Christine… why have you betrayed us?" It was Jean-Pierre's voice… but missing the carefree lilt he always carried. It almost sounded as if the man had been… crying.
"Giving away our secrets, Christine?" Rose chastised. Christine winced at the disappointment in her voice.
"I didn't give away anything!" she insisted. "What are you both talking about?"
Christine's eyes flew open. No warning, no groggy trudge into wakefulness… just a sudden rip from sleep, mind instantly awake and frantic as she replayed the voices from her dream.
She'd done something horribly wrong… but what?
No, rather, it was not something she'd done but something she'd not done.
The key! The realization flooded Christine's mind. Erik's ring - precious as it was - was a key to their stronghold.
Erik wouldn't change the locks. He should; their security was even more precarious now that others knew where they were… but in her heart of hearts, Christine knew he wouldn't. He'd never take the risk that she'd return one day and not be able to get in.
He would leave them all vulnerable out of love for her.
She shook her head. She couldn't let him do that. As long as that ring existed, everyone was at risk. She'd have to destroy it. Or at least throw it in the ocean, where it wouldn't be found.
She glanced at the clock. It was still late - Raoul was likely still awake. She'd go ask him to take her on a drive in the morning; along the way, she would find a place to discreetly dispose of the key.
Christine took the little jewelry box from her nightstand and carefully cracked it open. Then she gasped, pressing a hand to her suddenly aching chest.
The ring was gone.
-0-0-
"Christine! What's wrong? Are you ill? What are you doing up?"
"Something has gone missing from my jewelry box."
Raoul frowned. "That can't be right. I saw you wearing your new necklace just hours ago, surely…"
"That isn't what I am talking about and you know it."
He shrugged, looking helpless. "Whatever it is, I'll be happy to replace it."
"This item cannot be replaced."
He looked slightly agitated, but still managed to sound reassuring as he offered, "If you like, I can have a look around."
Christine sensed a slight movement and realized they were not alone in the room. Out of the corner of her eye, she recognized Louise's slight figure as she tried to back out of sight.
Suddenly, everything fell into place. Christine pointed an accusing finger at the maid, who froze when she realized she had not disappeared quite quickly enough.
"She stole it! She must have! I… I…" She burst into tears even as she shrieked. The vaguely sane part of her recognized how deranged she must look, but she couldn't seem to stop as desperation clawed at her throat.
Raoul shared a look, over her head, with the trembling servant.
"There, there now, darling. None of that. I'm sure it's just been misplaced. Nobody's stolen anything, you'll see." He patted her back. "Why don't you just lie down now, alright Lotte? You have a little rest and I'll talk to the staff. I'm sure it is just a big-"
"You don't understand! I have to have that ring!"
His expression went cold. "Why, Christine?" he asked, daring her to reveal the secret. "Why must you have the ring of a murderer?"
"It isn't like that!" she wailed, begging him to see reason. Something in Raoul's eyes had gone hard, though, and she knew she'd be getting no sympathy as far as Erik was concerned. "Please, Raoul... "
"You accuse that poor girl of theft and then you rant about other men's rings as if there wasn't a dozen pairs of ears in the house just starving for gossip." Others had filed in, concerned at the alarming amount of noise. With a glare, Raoul sent them all scurrying out the door. Even the accused maid had disappeared.
"So now I'm to suffer for your jealousy?"
"Go to your room, Christine. We'll talk about this when you're ready to see reason."
"I am not some child to be ordered about and sent to my room!"
His face was the picture of fury, his soft voice full of menace. "That is exactly what you are, Christine. A spoiled child. Now go to your room or I'll toss you over my shoulder and carry you there myself. You can come out again when you're ready to apologize to me... and to that maid," he added with a sneer.
Christine had been shaking, her cheeks tear-dampened, and her face flaming red with indignity… but something in his words made her grow very, very still.
Her eyes flicked over Raoul, head to toe, and he had the disturbing feeling he was being assessed. A slight lift of her chin was Christine's only gesture, and somehow the elegance of it made a pit form in Raoul's stomach.
"Lotte-"
"As you wish, Raoul," she murmured. Then she spun on her heel and swept out of the room.
-0-0-
Horse thievery, Christine? Is this really what you've been reduced to?
Christine crouched low over her 'borrowed' gelding as it galloped down the darkened road. She forced a shrug, doing her best to keep her creeping hysteria at bay. She was reasonably sure Raoul wouldn't press charges… though, in his present mood, he might like seeing her flogged. Raoul was… frustrated with her. And rightfully so! She'd led him to believe that she could be his Little Lotte again. She'd dragged him along like a fish on a hook as she let him believe he could transform her into the biddable wife he'd always dreamed of.
In her defense… she truly thought that she could become that to him.
But I am not that girl anymore. I'm not his girl.
They both expected her interlude at the asylum would… fix her. But they'd both been so thoroughly wrong. She'd hurt Raoul… and that was before she'd ransacked his stables in the middle of the night. She couldn't fathom how furious he was going to be tomorrow when he found her bed empty.
Will he respect my wishes… or will he come after me? Would he challenge Erik?
She couldn't dwell on the unknown, not if she wanted to retain her sanity. Whatever Raoul decides to do… Erik and I will handle it together.
But would they?
Christine was under no illusions - like Raoul, Erik had every reason to hate her, right now. She'd left him not once, but twice and here she was, about to encroach on his sanctuary yet again… not even a day later! He'd trusted her, and she knew that trust did not come easily to a man like Erik.
But… she'd made him no promises, either. She was upfront about her intentions; all she'd done was follow through with the plan she'd had from the beginning.
That didn't change the fact that she'd broken his heart just as surely as she'd broken Raoul's. Guilt ate at her. And something more than guilt. She put herself in Erik's place, trying to imagine how she'd feel if he'd been the one to abandon her. Even the thought made her want to cry.
And if he rejected her now?
She'd lost his key. That, in itself, was a betrayal. She could reason away the rest… but to be so careless with something so precious? Christine wasn't so sure he could forgive that.
How am I going to tell him?
Rain began to fall, fat droplets quickly escalating into pouring sheets, so reminiscent of her first night at the asylum.
Panic gripped her as she began to relive that awful day. The stretch of road, the freezing rain, the helpless uncertainty…
Erik would make it better. He made everything better. Even if he hated her, he…
No. Don't think of that.
She just had to reach him.
Christine increased her speed, hanging on for dear life as her mind went blank but for the impulse - Get to Erik! She didn't know what she would say or how he would receive her All she knew was that she needed him. She needed him now. She needed him always.
It was the only thought in her mind as her horse stumbled on a stray branch. The only thought as she hurtled over the side. The only thought as her head smacked against the hard road with an audible thump. The only thought as her vision dimmed into nothingness.
Get to Erik!