Part II: Dark Night

It was another nightmare.

In the darkness Caitlin woke as Leonard began to thrash and whimper. Once again the sounds he uttered would grow in intensity until the nightmare ended; once again she would reach out to comfort him as he wept.

She had learned long ago not to wake him in the middle of a nightmare. The dreams would continue as soon as he drifted off to sleep if she did that. No, Caitlin was resigned to wait so that some time could pass without the specters that came and haunted his mind.

The precedent had been set long ago now, during their very first night together. He hadn't said a word about his nightmares beforehand. She just awakened to the sound of him reacting to it, and lay there, not knowing what to do. But it didn't take long before he started awake, the name 'Allison' on his lips. She didn't know what it meant, but she did know he needed comfort—the details could come later. So she sat up next to him, wrapped her arms around him, and let him cry.

When they first met, three years ago now, she hadn't thought much about him. She had her work and her goals and her coworkers were incidental parts of her life. But then came that first time they conversed, the day she noticed him, really noticed him, and she felt her heart race. He was tall and lanky, with black hair, and had a determined look, a certain seriousness in his gaze, even as they talked of pleasant things. After that, the moments they spent together in the lab or in the lounge became more precious. But she tried not to think too much about it. She had no time for silly crushes, for flirting glances. At least that was what she had told herself over and over, even though she couldn't deny her attraction to him.

The day when he had finally kissed her was etched indelibly in her mind. It hadn't been the first occasion when she had stood beside him, wishing for it, hoping for it, but not daring to make any advances of her own. But that was the day that the chemistry between them changed. A simple touch meant so much more, little glances that made her hands tremble. He had unwittingly won her heart with his intensity and diligence. And soon she learned that he had come to love her as well, for her serenity and controlled, thoughtful demeanor. She was a good balance for him.

But as their relationship blossomed, she learned that he wasn't so strong as she had first supposed. The terror in his voice when he cried out in the darkness, the panic in which he awakened, was distressing to her beyond what she had been able to imagine. And that look in his eye? It was because of the memories that haunted him so doggedly.

She wondered now if that was why she had been drawn to him in the first place. They were both victims of tragedy. In her case, she had lost her father when the Covenant attacked Chi Ceti IV. Officially her father was not listed as a casualty of the battle, but he had suffered a heart attack after he was evacuated from the UNSC facility there. Something about that sorrowful look in Leonard's eyes had called out to her. That maturity that she had seen in him, that look in his eyes that had drawn her in so completely, was matched in herself as the knowledge of what it was to lose someone so deeply.

Leonard had never told her much about his dreams. She knew little—just that Allison had been his bride and the mother of his child. Caitlin could only suppose that the nightmares were about her death. It seemed far too painful for him to describe them; he never had, and Caitlin wasn't one to pry. She knew how much it hurt, even if she didn't know what sort of visions he endured.

Over the last couple of years the dreams had become more occasional—he even went for stretches without experiencing one at all—but lately they had increased again. She didn't know why, but what she did know was that Leonard needed her when he awoke; he relied on her for comfort when the dreams came. And that was enough for her.

He had begun to moan. It was almost over now. She waited, eyes open, waited for the cry that soon would tear itself from his throat. She gripped the edge of the mattress in anticipation.

Leonard shot upright. "Allison!" he gasped out.

Caitlin sat up next to him and slipped her arms around his shoulders from behind. "It's all right, sweetie, it's over now." She rested her temple on his hair. He was shuddering. She clung to him, trying to somehow absorb all of his pain, to take it upon herself, through their contacted skin.

"I'm here, Len," she whispered, leaning to deliver the words in his ear. "I'm always here for you."

After a time, Leonard's tears eased and he leaned back into her embrace. "Thank you, Cate," he murmured.

She tugged him gently back and they both lay down again. She stroked his hairline with her fingertips, leaning in to snuggle against his shoulder and press gentle kisses to his collarbone. He closed his eyes, grateful for her touch.

"Feel better now?" she breathed.

"I'm fine," he murmured. "Thanks." He meant it, but he hoped that would be the only inquiry she would make. She had started trying to coax him to open up to her about the dreams. She didn't question him openly about them, but he was getting tired of this dance.

After a few moments of silence, Caitlin hummed out a little sigh. "Len..."

"Shh." He put a finger momentarily on her lips, tightening the arm that was encircling her shoulder to pull her closer.

She audibly hesitated as she allowed herself to be drawn closer. "Ar—are you all right now?"

"Mm-hmm." He nestled his chin on the top of her head.

She stroked once down his arm with the backs of her fingers. "Are you going to go back to sleep?"

He didn't know why she ever bothered asking. He always told her he would, even when they both knew he wouldn't. "Yeah." He could tell from the way her fingers fluttered against his chest that she still wanted to talk. He kept his eyes closed, slowing his breathing as though he were falling asleep.

Suddenly she lifted her head from his shoulder. "You know, this has been happening more often—"

"Stop, Cate." A pang of regret made him cringe. He knew if she persisted he would spill the whole story, tell her why the nightmares had returned, and that was something he just couldn't allow. "Please."

There was another moment's pause. "It didn't used to be this bad…" Her disappointment was audible in her voice. She cared so much.

"You know, to tell you the truth… I don't want them to stop." He sighed, sensing her shock from the way her body twitched against him.

He also knew the incredulous look she must have on her face, judging from her tone. "Why?"

He lay flat on his back again, turning his face to stare out into the darkness of the room. "I don't know, it's just… If I forget, maybe…maybe I won't be the same person anymore." The words were a realization to him even as they escaped his mouth and he blinked back the prickling feeling behind his eyelids.

"You'll never forget her, Len." She drew her face closer to his neck to nuzzle him. "I think you should consider what I've said about grief counseling."

He had to swallow back the sudden rise in his temper to keep from snapping at her. He tried to keep his tone even, but his exasperation showed. "Cate, we've been over this! I'm not going!"

Caitlin nodded, and he felt the skin of her cheek softly brushing against his shoulder. He also felt moisture. He experienced a wave of guilt as he heard her breathing more deeply—she was crying. But neither of them spoke again and after a bit she had fallen asleep.

It was so easy for her to drift off, but it had been weeks since Leonard had fallen asleep except when utterly exhausted. But it hadn't always been this way. It had been five years since he'd lost her, after all. He had experienced nightmares this intense after Allison's death, but until recently the memories had faded, softened by the hand of time. Life had marched on, and despite his reasons for going after this job, he had begun to build a life with another woman. He had found it difficult to give himself permission to fall in love again. But if it was going to happen, it seemed like this was the woman that it should happen with. She was a good anchor for him. She knew just how to calm him down when he was raging, knew how to comfort him when he was grieving; best of all, she had never pried into the darker parts of his mind.

After he fell in love with Caitlin the time he spent working on his plan to obtain Allison's brain scan became less and less. He had even idly contemplated dropping the whole venture altogether. But when he truly considered that, it struck dread into his heart. He loved Caitlin, of course he did, but he couldn't just let Allison go. Ultimately, her death was his fault. And the pain of that was still so raw, even if he had begun to heal from the loss. She'd only enlisted because he had lied to her, that first time they'd been together. But instead of apologizing he waited for her to atone for cheating on him instead. He should not have waited on her to make the first move. His offense had been first, even if hers had been the greater. And he knew that if he had not been so stubborn none of this would have happened. She would still be here for him to cherish and protect. It had been his failure to treat her right that had eventually led to her death.

The execution of his plan to steal her disc had brought a catharsis of the pain he had held onto for those five years. But what he hadn't counted on was the way the nightmares would return in the two weeks since he had finally completed his mission. Instead of bringing him joy the way he had expected, it brought more darkness into his heart than ever. Because what good was it to possess that archive if he couldn't figure out what to do with it? No one had yet made the discovery of how to turn a holo-scanned brain into an AI. There was no doubt in his mind that it was somehow possible, despite the assertions of some that it was a lost cause. And when the paradox had been solved, he would have Allison—well, an AI created from Allison's mind. He knew better than to think that if he activated it that it would resurrect her. The AI would be a computer program, a mind of its own that happened to store Allison's memories inside it, and nothing more.

Now his own memories had begun to assault him again in the night watches. Strangely, he felt grateful that they had—they were a part of his identity somehow, and he had been loath to let them go. But the images were overwhelming him as they had not done since Allison's death.

The worst memory of all was the remembrance of the two somber men who came to tell him that she had died. He thought that the worst day of his life had already passed by the time the Marine Corps officers had showed up at his door; he knew what they were there to tell him. As the men began to speak, he determined that he would accept the news stoically. But nothing he had endured before that moment matched the outpouring of grief that overwhelmed him after. The sounds he made then had seemed almost inhuman and he remembered that as he had wailed he felt both immersed in the pain of it and yet strangely detached, as though he were a bystander watching his figure weeping from somewhere far away.

His nightmares had always been based on his memories of her. But since he had done this thing, since he had made good on his long-deferred plot, he had been experiencing a new nightmare.

He was on a warship, steel gray and huge, but he was sitting at one of the computer terminals from the AI lab. And she was there. She was talking about his research as she stood there in her uniform—as she always did, asking why he hadn't made a breakthrough, and if he didn't see how important it was for them that he find the solution—but he was trying desperately to find the solution as she spoke, calculations and algorithms scrolling by on the screen, somehow knowing that if he did not find the answer right now she would be killed before his very eyes; then came a terrible sound, the rumbling of cannons and mortars, and now he was frantically modeling, rendering the 3-D map of his latest calculations, but the model was building slowly, much too slowly; and then the ship was burning, and he saw that she was slipping away, and as he grasped for her hand the model on the screen was almost finished, but now she lay dead, she lay dead far across the yawning cavern of the ship—oh, not again, why was he forced to see that image over and over—and he screamed her name.

Whatever had happened, the nightmare always ended when he screamed her name, but the worst part was the nightmare never ended because she was gone. She had really died in that battle, and on that night…

…on that night, his waking nightmare had only begun.

Music for this chapter:

Heaven Help My Heart - Chess Official Broadway Cast Recording
Cailtin fell in love with Leonard very early on in their relationship. She bares more of herself to him than he's been willing toshow to her.

Sway - Bic Runga
Caitlin sees the way Leonard wavers between her and a memory and she wishes she would just stay with her instead of going tothose dark places in his mind

Broken - Seether
Caitlin tries to be what Leonard needs to let go of his pain and his past

Dreaming Wide Awake – Poets of the Fall
Leonard's denial runs deep, and he can only think of what he would have if Allison had never died.

Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig van Beethoven
Allison's death is always there for Leonard, like a sad melody that plays in the background