How's it Gonna Be?
'I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore'
"You're late." Mom snapped as I shrugged. My mind was somewhere else. I was thinking about that last drag I had and how much Darcy was going to kill me when she found out. Darcy. I smiled.
Sitting down at the table, my mom continued complaining. "Get cleaned up. You smell."
That was her favorite insult for me and it used to get to me, but not anymore. She seemed to think that putting me down would bring dad back, but it wouldn't. He was long gone and I wished I had left with him. The only reason I stayed was Kendra, but I was even losing my connection to her.
"I'm tired." I noted, as my high started to slither away. She always did this.
"I do not care. Get up. Now!" She pulled the chair from under me as I stumbled backwards and landed on my hip.
'Before you take a swing I wonder what are we fighting for?'
"Ha. You're as clumsy as an ox too." She laughed as Kendra looked at me sympathetically. "Laugh Kendra. It's funny."
"No it's not mom." My sister grabbed my hand to help me stand, but I was so pissed, I pushed her away.
"I'm fine. I'm going out." I muttered, pulling a cigarette out of my pocket.
"No you aren't. You know the rules." Mom commanded.
"I don't care. I can't stand being here anymore."
'When I say out loud I want to get out of this'
"You're not going anywhere." She pushed me against the wall with a strength I didn't know her petite body possessed. "Don't make me…" I knew what she was going to do … hit me.
"I can't stay here anymore. I have to get out okay. I'll be back this time." I promised, thinking about all the other times I had run away since Jimmy was put in that wheelchair, Manny died, and dad left. Before that, times were good. But since, I was labeled as the "troublemaker."
"Spinner Mason. You will sit your ass down now!" She slapped me suddenly as pushed her back.
Within minutes, my mother had gone crazy again and was kicking and punching me with all her strength. I wanted to hit her back, I really did, but I couldn't. She was my mom.
"Get up you little piece of shit!" She yelled, spitting on me as Kendra cowered in the corner crying.
"I'm gone." I whispered, struggling to stand up, but careful not to grimace. She got something out of seeing me hurting, but I was at the point where I could numb it all out.
"You don't have to leave." Kendra begged, following me up the stairs.
'I wonder is there anything I'm going to miss?'
"I do. She won't hit you, I promise." I hugged her softly before pulling a duffel bag from under my bed. It was already packed. Everything was. I never knew when I going to need to leave again—like now.
"Take me with you." Kendra pleaded as I shook my head.
'I wonder how it's going to be when you don't know me?'
"You haven't even finished high school."
"Neither have you. Please Spinner. It's too painful being here and don't tell me he's coming back. He's not. I know that now." She sat on my bed, hugging her knees. "Why do you have to leave too?"
"Look, don't make this hard on me. This isn't the end. Think of it as me going to college a little earlier."
'How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there?'
"Where will you sleep? What will you eat? Have you even thought about these things? She won't let you go." Kendra whispered. "And neither will I … I told her about your drug problem."
'How's it going to be when there is no one to talk to, between you and me?'
"What problem? I don't have a problem." Slinging a couple of bags on my shoulder, I lit a cigarette and started smoking it.
"You're going to rehab. I wanted to tell you ahead of time." Kendra tried to hug me again as I pushed her away.
"You little rat. You squealed on me? I bet rehab was your idea too … I'm fine Kendra, but I lied to you. I won't be coming back. You'll never hear from me again." I promised her away abruptly as my little sister feel, her back hitting the wall. Hard. But I didn't care.
'Cause I don't care. How's it going to be?'
Scene
"What's with the bags?" Darcy wondered after I came back from another smoking round with my buddies at the ravine. It was really me saying goodbye to them, but they didn't want to hear that … at least not when trying to get high and escape.
'How's it going to be?'
I really wished that by some miracle Jay was there, but something serious was going on with him and I rarely saw him anymore. I guess that time at the dance was the last time I'd see him. I shrugged. Nothing was going to make me cry.
I was going to see Darcy … see how she was doing for a little while. "Hello, what's with the bags?" She repeated as I dropped them on the front porch.
"Road trip." I shrugged. It sounded like a good excuse to me.
"In the middle of the school year?" She asked.
"Correction. We have a month left." I smiled kissing her neck softly. "You taste so good." I grinned. This was bliss.
'Where we used to laugh'
"Don't you want to graduate Spinner? You were working so hard this year to catch and now--"
"I'm tired of playing catch-up. Either way, it doesn't matter. I'll never get my so-called friends back, but it's okay." I swept her up in my arms as Darcy struggled not to giggle.
"My dad would murder you if he saw us like this. Let's go out back." She suggested, holding on my hand tightly. "I don't want you to leave."
"What? What are you talking about?" I wondered.
"You have to stop running away from your problems. If I caused any of them, I'm sorry." She apologized.
"No. You've stopped me from ending up like Mohammed. Darcy, I want you to forget about me." I demanded. "Live your last year of high school like nothing matters. Don't think of me." I sat down on the hammock attached to her side porch as she joined me.
"I could never do that. I'll never forget you." She rested her head on my shoulder. "You can't go."
"I have to. You see what that psycho did this time." I referred to the scrapes and cuts on my face. I tried to cover them up well, but I was never good at that.
"She loves you Spin. You have to pray for her." Darcy urged.
'There's a shouting match, sharp as a thumbnail scratch'
"Why don't we pray for your sex-obsessed father. Did he re-play one of those child pornos he made of you tonight?" I shot back as she looked at me stunned. A long silence followed.
'A silence I can't ignore like the hammocks by the doorway we spent time in swings empty.'
"I don't want to talk about that. He's better. We just have to pray more." She took my hands and tried to get me to kneel.
"Don't you get it? Our parents are screwed up. It's not getting any better and the only thing I can do is leave it behind." I sighed. "I can't stay."
"Please Spinner. Your mom is so worried. We want you to go to rehab. She's on her way over here."
"You SOLD ME OUT?" I screamed, pushing her away. "How could you? Do you have any idea what she's gonna do to me?"
'Don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit me.'
"Look, it's okay. I promise. We'll go to school tomorrow … finish out the week and they'll let you finish your year in rehab."
'I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down?'
"Backstabber." I whispered over and over again. "I don't need rehab. I can quit whenever!" I yelled pulling out a joint and lighting it. It would help me. I'd tried literally everything, but nothing went better with Alcohol or a little acid, but a joint.
"No Spinner. Stop!" Darcy screamed as we struggled with the smoking weed.
'How's it going to be when your not around?'
"Fine. Take it!" I let go, throwing my hands up in the air. "We're through."
'How's it going to be when you found out there was nothing
between you and me? 'Cause I don't care.'
Months Later
"No. Just one more time!" I screamed not being able to take it anymore. My arms and legs were strapped to a white bed, just like in the movies, but all I could think about was my craving … not just for a high, but for Darcy.
'Want to get myself back in again, the soft dive of oblivion.'
"One more!" I went on for what seemed like hours, but no one even stopped to look in at me.
"Darcy!" I yelled as I had many times before, but it made no difference. She wasn't coming. She never did. "Darcy, I love you!" I shouted desperately, finally giving up. I was too tired to even move anymore.
'Wanna taste the soul of your skin, the soft dive of oblivion.'
A year later
With the help of a couple of friend I'd made at the place, I was finally able to get out of here—probably not for good. They would find me, but there just one thing I needed to do. I had to see her again.
'Oblivion'
I had to see Darcy and apologize for all the things I didn't even remember saying.
'How's it going to be?'
Walking up to her doorstep, I knew I wouldn't have time. Abruptly, I knocked on the door, interrupting what seemed like a party. That's right. It was her birthday today.
"Darcy?" I smiled, kissing her suddenly.
"Do I know you?" She wondered as everything started spinning.
"What? Of course you do. It's me, Spinner."
'When you don't know me any more?'
"Yeah. Right." Darcy shrugged nonchalantly, letting me in as Peter swept her into his arms. "Baby." She giggled, kissing him lightly.
"Darcy, I wanted to umm … talk to you."
"I'm sorry, you know I really don't think I know you … I vaguely remember someone telling me not to think of them like a year ago, but …"
'How's it going to be?
"Stop pretending. I came here for you, just for you and no one else." I explained, a flicker of hope shining in me.
"Look Spin, I don't care about whoever you've become. I've moved on. I don't know you. I don't want to. Please just go."
'How's it going to be?
(A/N: Here's the Spinner story … a little more vague than I wanted and I know I just threw in the Spinner-Darcy relationship, but everyone else was already so complicated so it just made sense to make them together. I couldn't have THREE guys after Manny, now could I? I'm going to try and have this story finished by the first week in May … maybe I new part will come in June or something. It all depends on you guys! I still have to write "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" and "Nobody Wins" and then it's the end! –NL)