I'm really sorry, guys.
I know it's been two weeks and I know I probably worried some of you all, but things have been crazy recently. Last Friday, well, last Wednesday, I left for Florida, for my senior trip, and I didn't get home until Sunday, so I couldn't post on Friday. The Friday before that, well...I had a minor mental breakdown and needed some time to myself. School's been absolutely crazy and my life is a bit out of control right now. I only have two chapters and half a third in reserve, not counting this one, which is kinda a problem. I like to be ahead so I don't have to worry about writing, and I just haven't had time to write. I'll try to work on things this weekend, but I have a lot of schoolwork to do, so I can't make any promises about a new chapter next Friday. Next Friday is the start of my spring break, so I'll definitely have time to write and things will go back to normal, I promise. I'm really sorry about all of this. Enjoy the chapter.
Trigger warnings - suicide, depression, self-harm, PTSD, and anxiety.
Sitting next to Patricia and not being able to grab her hand is torture.
He was released from the hospital an hour ago, and now they're all sitting in the common room, talking. Well, most of them are talking. Joy and Mick are trying to break the record for longest make out session, Amber is curled in an armchair, not talking to anyone, and Jerome and Alfie are in their room. But everyone else is talking. Eddie can't stop thinking about holding Patricia's hand, cuddling with her, kissing her…the past couple days have been brutal. They've only been able to act like a couple when they were alone, which, considering their eight housemates, was not very often.
"I'm gonna go work on some songs," he mutters, rising to his feet.
"Wait, love." Trudy rushes out into the hall, apron tied around her waist, holding a whisk. "Someone should go with you, I don't feel comfortable letting you be by yourself just yet."
He has to hold in a sigh. He knew they wouldn't trust him yet, especially not alone. It'll take a while to earn that back. He tried to kill himself, it's not like they're going to forget it happened in a few days.
"I'll stay with him," Patricia offers. She shoots him a knowing glance, and he has to fight not to smile back at her. They're still trying to keep things quiet. They've established that they're boyfriend and girlfriend, but it'd still be a bad idea to spread the word this soon. He wants to wait until they've been dating for long enough to assure they won't break up over something stupid and cause a rift in the house. It's barely been a week. They're still in the honeymoon phase.
Eddie forces a smile onto his face and heads for the room he shares with Fabian. He slumps down onto his bed, and only then does he notice that the sheets have changed. They're not his usual dark grey ones. They've been replaced with light blue sheets and a darker blue duvet.
"Trudy had to get rid of your sheets," Patricia says from behind him. "You kinda…your blood was all over them…"
He rolls over onto his back and scoots up so he's lying against the pillows. "Come here, Yacker."
She leans up to peck his lips, and then curls into his arms and buries her fact in his chest. "It was fuckin' scary, Eddie, seeing you lying in a pool of your own blood. I don't think I'm ever gonna get that image out of my head."
"I'm okay," Eddie reminds her gently. "I'm fine. And I'm here. Whatever you need, I'm here."
"This is nice."
"It'd be better with some music."
"Not Pierce the Veil or Sleeping With Sirens for the sake of my sanity, thanks."
Eddie rolls his eyes and pulls his phone out of his pocket. "You should listen to Misadventures. You'd like it, I promise."
Patricia heaves a very heavy, exaggerated sigh. "Fine. Put it on."
Eddie smiles victoriously and hits play. He sets his phone down on his nightstand and tightens his grip on Patricia, pressing a kiss to her hair. "You need to tell me if we're moving too fast, okay? If I start to do something, anything, that reminds you of Adam, you need to tell me. I don't want this to be shitty for you."
"It won't be," Patricia replies. "You've already done more for me in two days than Adam did in two years. He was never this affectionate, Eddie. He just wanted to have sex. Got pissed when I said no. He-"
"He didn't force you, did he?" Eddie's heart is pounding as he says the words. He's usually okay with talking about this, but the idea of Patricia experiencing the hell he went through, being raped, is enough to have him on edge. "Please tell me he didn't."
"Hey, calm down." Patricia pushes herself onto one elbow and uses her other hand to stroke his cheek. "He didn't force me. I promise he didn't. He tried, but I didn't let him. You need to breathe, okay? You're panicking."
"M'fine."
"You're not. I can hear how fast your heart's beating and your breathing is messed up." She pulls him into her arms and he sighs, burying his face in her shoulder and closing his eyes. "Breathe with me, okay?"
He inhales and exhales with her, focusing on her breathing and the steady beating of her heart. "I'm so fuckin' sick of this."
"Go to sleep," Patricia tells him. She moves her hand to his back and begins rubbing small, firm circles. "I'll be here."
"I can't."
He knows how bad his nightmares get, but she's only seen one. She's only seen him have one, and even so, it wasn't the worst one he's ever had. He can't just fall asleep at the drop of a hat. He knows the nightmares will be bad. He doesn't want to subject her to that. It's not fair of him. She doesn't deserve it.
"You look exhausted, Eddie."
"I am," he mutters. "Emotionally. But it's okay. Just laying here with you is nice. Don't worry about it."
Patricia falls silent, and he sighs, grabbing her hand. "This is nice," he repeats. "You calm me down, Yacker. I'm okay, I promise."
The words are empty and he knows it. He doesn't know why he bothers trying anymore. His past is determined to fuck him up and he doesn't know what to do. Every time he tries to be happy something else goes wrong.
Maybe he's just not destined to be happy.
"Why are you still so angry about this?" Nina sighs. "You told me Eddie explained everything. What the hell else is there to be angry about?"
"I'm not angry at him," Fabian sighs. "I'm angry at myself." He rolls over onto his other side, turning away from her and focusing his gaze on the few posters and picture frames she has on her wall.
Nina scoffs. "Because that's so much better. If you spent less time being angry and more time being sorry, maybe you could fix things with Eddie."
"I am sorry!" Fabian exclaims. "I feel like I can't breathe under the weight of how horrible I was to him. He tried to kill himself, he was clearly fragile, and I went in there with my own stupid agenda, trying to make him talk about things he was uncomfortable talking about. I got what I wanted in the end, but he's probably a mess and it's my fault."
"It's not." Nina tangles one hand in his hair and rests the other on his back. "Grief's weird, Fabian. Sometimes it turns straight to anger. After my parents died, I was angry. I was angry for a long time, angry at the people who were driving drunk, angry at black ice for existing, angry at snow for making it harder for them to see that night…the list goes on. I got over it eventually, like you have. I'm sure Eddie understands that you didn't mean what you said."
"He didn't deserve it to begin with. He's been through enough without me thinking I'm some kind of entitled asshole and expecting answers. I told him that he was selfish, Nina. Eddie. Selfish. He's the most selfless person I've ever met, and I called him selfish. What kind of person does that make me?"
"A person who made a mistake. A person who was grieving and couldn't see the situation properly. A person, Fabian. You're human. You're allowed to make mistakes. You're not perfect and no one expects you to be."
"No one expected me to lash out at Eddie either, looks like expectations really aren't accurate, are they?"
"Fabian, look at me."
He's still for a couple seconds, until she shakes his shoulder and he rolls back over onto his other side. "What?"
"You did a shitty thing," she deadpans. "Doesn't make you a shitty person. Go back, go apologize. Let him know how sorry you are. He'll forgive you. I know he will."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Do you trust me?"
"With anything."
"I'm sure," Nina repeats. She nudges his shoulder and points to the door. "Go. Stop sulking and figure out how to apologize to him. You both need this. He'll forgive you and then you can finally forgive yourself."
"You don't have to do this, y'know…"
Eddie's gaze flickers from the bandages on his nightstand to his arm in her hands. Patricia rolls her eyes. "Yeah? And what poor, unfortunate soul were you planning to force the job on then? Your arms are a mess, Eddie."
"Don't even need them wrapped in the first place."
"Bull. You can't be tempted," Patricia growls. "Do you not remember cutting so deep you needed a blood transfusion? You don't have any room left so your only option would be reopening old cuts, which would be even worse."
"Yacker-"
"Shut up and let me do this, okay?"
"But they're probably triggering you…I don't want you to do something because of this."
"I won't," she replies, continuing to wrap the bandages around his arm. The cuts have healed, all except for the stitches on his left arm from that deep wound. She's just wrapping his right arm to keep him from being tempted to do something. She can't wrap his left arm because covering up the stitches would make it so much easier to get an infection, so she's just hoping they're enough of a deterrent. "There you go." She secures everything with a clip and lets go of his arm.
"Come here." Eddie pulls her in for a kiss and then hugs her tightly. "Thanks."
"We should go out there before someone walks in on us."
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"I'm not dumb, Patricia."
She sighs. "It's just a lot, y'know? And you make it okay. But we're about to go out there and hang out with everyone and it fuckin' kills that I can't kiss you or touch you or anything…"
"Do you want to tell people?" Eddie asks pulling her down into his lap. "Because I feel the same way. It's so hard to hide, so much fuckin' harder than I thought it'd be."
"What if we don't work, Eddie? What if we break up? You've seen what Amber and Alfie's break up is doing to the house…"
"Not really," Eddie mutters. "I think most of us are on Alfie's side."
"Amber's not racist though, her father is. She can't control the shitty things he said."
"But she didn't defend him," Eddie points out. "She didn't stand up for him and that's just as bad. He needs people to stand up for him. What fuckin' sucks about our society is that people like him don't have a voice. White people do. So they need to use that voice for good, rather than just letting shit happen."
"You're right," Patricia sighs. "You're completely right. But Amber's never come across anything like this before. It's all new. She needs time."
"She needs to get off her ass and stand up to her dad if she wants a chance at Alfie and her ever working again."
"See what I mean? This is dividing us already and it's not even our break up! Is telling people really a good idea?"
"I think it is," Eddie replies. "We agree on the Amber and Alfie thing. You just see more of Amber's side, while I see more of Alfie's."
"I agree with you," Patricia says earnestly. "Really, I do. I just…I don't know…I don't want anyone to be mad at me. I've had enough of the people in this house hating me. I feel like if I don't see Amber's side she and Nina and all the girls won't be too happy."
"That's dumb. You feel however you want to feel. Fuck what anyone thinks about it. And besides, it's not our relationship that needs fixing, Yacker," Eddie murmurs, pecking her lips. "Let's just focus on us for now, okay? We're perfect."
"New Years."
"What?"
"We can kiss at midnight and that'll be how we tell everyone. It's only a little over a week away. I think we can handle keeping the secret for that long, don't you?"
"You're gonna make it so damn hard."
Thoughts? Do you think they'll be able to keep it a secret until New Years? It's the 22nd in the story, so they've got a little over a week. Next chapter, Eddie finally opens up to the house about his problems, Patricia deals with a problem of her own, and Jerome takes Eddie to his first therapy session.
Thanks for being so patient with me. I'm really sorry for disappearing. And thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed.