Disclaimer: I don't own Kotor or any of the characters, save for Adrianne.
"Raenah."
When Atris had taken a breath to speak, I'd expected to hear almost anything. The mission. The war. The dark side. Hell, for a single hearbeat I'd thought she'd been about to say Carth's name. But hearing the Sith's one again felt like losing the solid ground beneath my feet.
What exactly did they know about him? And how had they found out? Had they read the reports from the Star Forge after all? There was no other way to find out.
My eyes went wide and I could only stare at her for a moment. Five pairs of eyes were watching me intently. Some of them with suspicion, some with curiosity, all of them with questions.
I could easily lie to them, pretend to hear it for the first time. The problem was I was talking with the most experienced Jedi Masters in the Order – they would know.
"Revan?" Lonna finally broke the silence. "Who is Raenah?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words left my lips. I couldn't lie, but I couldn't simply tell them the truth either. If I started about him, I would have to add other things, about his Master, about their society, about everything I had done out there. And they already considered me untrustworthy; I didn't have to add fuel to the flames. On the other hand without knowing what they knew, trying to dance my way between "bending the truth" and "lying" was very risky. It was exactly like my Master used to say: "They like playing games with you. When you think you're the one having the upper hand, it's them who are one step ahead of you."
I was aware of how the situation looked like. My surprise was plain to see for everyone, not only shown on my face, but proved by my silence. They knew they'd struck the nerve here.
"Always give them what they want, but…keep the truth for yourself."
I hadn't understood her back then, but now it was all much clearer – I had to tread carefully. They were now going to examine my every word. But there were always two sides of every coin...and every story. And both were real. "Or at least real enough for them to believe."
"Was..."I heard myself saying finally, decided to start with the truth I could reveal. I took a slow breath. "He is dead."
"Who was it then?" Vrook asked. "It's obvious he is causing strong emotions in you even after his death."
Alright, I thought, Arren always used to say that deceiving the Council is not that difficult. And, hell, they say I'm intelligent, so let's put it to a test. Can I outsmart them? "A member of the Empire," I started, glad to hear my voice sounded firmer this time. "Someone I once considered an ally."I was waiting for their response, or maybe other questions, but they remained quiet. And that was frustrating. For once, when I needed them to ask those stupid questions to tell me what they knew and what not, they were as silent as the grave. "Eventually, as it goes with the Sith, he sided with my enemy. And, promised to get his reward afterwards, he participated in my fall."
"Was he working for Malak?" Kavar asked when I made a pause to take a breath.
"Always give them what they want. But keep the truth for yourself," my Masters words were echoing in my head. "Or at least real enough for them to believe." I shook my head. "No, not for Malak," I admitted. "For himself. He was a Sith after all. And very capable, I must add."
I noticed Zez-Kai nodded twice. There was a thoughtful gleam in his eyes as he was processing the information. The rest of the Council exchanged glances. It seemed to me as if they were communicating with each other in their own secret language; through eyes and almost non-existent facial expressions anyone uninitiated couldn't notice or fathom. Thought they were probably only checking who else wasn't buying my story; they had to know I was keeping something from them. But as long as I stuck to telling "the truth", they couldn't accuse me of lying.
"That's not all," Atris said after awhile of their silent discussion. "If the matter is that simple, why the hesitation to tell us? Why does the man stir such negative response in you, like Master Vrook indicated?"
"I'm proud person," I replied and was sure this confession would make her happy. "It's not easy for me to admit my mistakes. And with Raenah I made a hell of a mistake. I didn't trust him, true. But I entrusted him with sensitive information, oblivious to the fact he was whispering my every word into his Master's ear."
As I was speaking I noticed Lonna brought her eyebrows together in a thoughtful manner. "That doesn't make sense," she said quietly after I made another pause. "You claim you didn't trust him, but introduced him into your secrets."
"I was quite a rookie Sith Lord, Master Lonna, but I wasn't stupid. A Sith Lord cannot trust anyone. People around you will always conspire against you, to bring you down."
"Such is the way of the dark side," Vrook interrupted me. "Corruption, betrayal, mistrust."
"It keeps you on your toes," I said with a smile, remembering Canderous' words.
Kavar's eyebrows rose. "You say it as if it was a good thing," he stated, giving me thoughtful look.
"In a way," I said slowly, "you are motivated to do your best. That's why all the Sith Lords were always the most wicked creatures of their kind. After all, such is the way of the dark side to ensure only the strongest and the most capable will rule. Ruthless, but efficient, you have to give the Sith at least that much," I answered with a narrowed eyes. "But even the most powerful Sith Lord needs loyal followers," I quickly returned to the previous topic. "Mostly it's fear they can use. But in Raenah's case...well..." I made a short pause, shifting my weight, "Raenah was too...clever...to be frightened by me. No, if I wanted to keep him close, I had to use other ways. Promise of power and influence, for example, always works on the likes of him." Now I was inwardly holding my breath.
"Apparently it wasn't enough," Kavar sensed.
"No, it wasn't. He was promised much more for my head," I said in much darker tone than I intended. The memory of the Emperor and Raenah by his side standing above me, though quite vague, was still sending a shiver down my spine whenever I thought about it. The two of them were talking, too quickly for me to understand everything, but the whole meaning was clear. Alek was as good as dead for them, so was I actually. But first Raenah had to be rewarded. And that saved my life...our lives, I thought. Although I couldn't remember what exactly had went wrong. My next memory was from our way back with a single aim: to find the Star Forge. Or maybe not single; Alek wanted to use it to destroy the Republic, I wanted it protected.
I was so deeply buried in my thoughts I almost missed another of their mute exchange.
"What role did he play in it when the Dark Lord of the Sith betrayed you," Vrook wanted to know and I quickly turned to him. Careful, I told myself. You're going to talk about two different stories, so let's try not to get all tangled in it. "None, actually. He was serving his Master, but Malak didn't need any help with shooting at my bridge," I said slowly, choosing my words with extra care. "As you can remember, it was you who gave him the opportunity. Of course, it was my doing as well," I quickly added. "When I was told such a small number of republic ships were attacking us, I was curious why. I focused all my attention on their ships, completely ignoring Malak's fleet, because I sensed something wasn't as it seemed. So, when Bastila and her team boarded my ship, I ordered my guards to clear the way to the bridge to allow them free access to me. And what happened after...well, I'm sure Bastila has given you full report."
And here we go again, I thought when the councillors started looking at each other once more. Now they are totally tearing me apart in their minds. I can read it in their eyes. Lonna, Vrook and Zez-Kai are here for the longest time, which means they are much more experienced...and know I'm not very honest with them. I can tell. Atris is probably searching for any hole in my story right now, and if I'm lucky, won't find any. Kavar...well, he might be sweet, but he's no fool. However with his face as unreadable as it is I can't tell what he's thinking. With Bastila it was easier; the bond was giving everything she was feeling away.
After what felt like eternity, Lonna finally focused her brown eyes on me. "You've learned your lesson the hard way, Revan," she said, but it was impossible to miss the doubt in her eyes.
It was probably expected of me to bow, so I bent my head for a moment to indulge them. "Undoubtedly, Master," I agreed.
"However there is still some room for learning," Vrook stated and shifted in the seat slightly to get more comfortable position. "The man is dead, but I can sense great hatred in you towards him even now. And it's just as strong as it was a year ago."
A year ago, my mind echoed. So that's how they found out about him. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't help but narrow my eyes at him. "So what, Master Vrook? Are you going to take away my lightsabers and exile me? After all, this Council has once exiled for less," I retorted.
Lonna took a quick breath. "Jaden Surik was exiled for violating everything the Order stands for. When she followed you to the war, she publicly defied us. And had to be punished for that." It surprised me how masterly she could read between the lines of what I said. Or maybe it wasn't that brilliant at all; everyone knew about the strong friendship between Jaden and me.
I took a slow breath and resisted to clench my teeth and fist my hands in anger. "And when Jolee Bindo returned to the Council after the Great Sith War, he..."
"You can't compare the two cases," Vrook cut me off. "There are many differences..."
"Yes, there are," I didn't let him finish either. "Jolee used to smuggle, got married, trained his Force-sensitive wife against the Council direct order, didn't manage to protect her from the dark side and when he had the chance to kill her, he let her go, which caused deaths of many other Jedi. And yet he was forgiven. Jaden didn't do any of it."
"Truly?" Atris opposed me calmly. "And how about the mass shadow generator? That caused deaths of many other as well." Her cold eyes gave me a pointed look.
"The creation of that device was my decision. The responsibility of what happened on Malachor V is mine and mine only," I said, waving my hand in the air dismissively.
Zez-Kai shook his head slowly, the tooth in his ear swaying from side to side. "The command to activate it was hers. The blood of thousands is on her hands," he replied and joined his hands in his lap.
"You...bloody...hypocrites," I hissed as an answer to their uncompromising expressions. "You dare to sit here and pretend you've swallowed all the wisdom in the universe, but you're not without blame either," I was talking slowly and in calm tone. "You have no right to criticize or judge her now, because you have done the same. To stop the Sith you have sacrificed me, my memory and my personality and tried to make me your puppet. What she had done had served the same purpose – to end the war. How many people do you think would have died if Mandalore hadn't been stopped?" I went on, my eyes travelling from one deadpan face to other. "If he had won the battle of Malachor V, the Republic would have been lost. And every single one of you with it," I reminded them. "Until the last moment she was a perfect example of a Jedi. Her men loved her as both a person and their leader and in eyes of many she improved the Order's reputation damaged by your blasted indifference! If there was anyone in the history of our Order who deserved the exile the least, it was her," I growled.
"Your devotion to her person is admirable, Revan," Lonna started, and Atris finished for her: "But you're forgetting she acted against our will when she followed you to the war. Jedi are protectors of peace, not war-makers."
I shook my head slowly. "Haven't you been listening? There was no peace to protect. We were in the middle of the war and the Republic was losing it. But instead of realizing the simple truth, you still kept on repeating your version. And Jaden was naive enough to return to you in foolish hope for forgiveness, but you made her a scapegoat. Only because she was a revanchist. Only to show what your opinion about us was," I said, but it was enough to look at them to know I was just wasting my breath.
"You're mistaken," Kavar started saying. "We had our reasons to banish her from the Order, but none of what you've named."
I snorted. "You know, Master Kavar, I, too, can tell when someone's lying to me. Maybe you had other reasons for her exile, but this belonged among them," I hissed and gave him a glowering look. "But it's apparent you will never admit your mistakes, nor accept the truth – that the war had to be stopped. There's no point in repeating it. After all, you weren't willing to listen before the war, after it...or a year ago, why should you now?"
"A year ago," Lonna started saying, "we were trying to listen to you. But your explanation was no more than few senseless words of some great danger and only in your...better moments. Your state of health when Bastila had brought you from your ship was severe. Your memory had been already seriously damaged. You spent most of your time in great pain or coma. There was no way to interrogate you, but we did feel the need for information."
I gave an empty laugh. "And so instead of doing what thousands of other normal people would do – waiting until I got better...
"There was no guarantee you would get better," she stated simply. "To tell the truth, no one expected you to survive."
"How does it excuse you brainwashing me? Or is there some secret part of the Code that allows it?" I mused.
"We did what we deemed necessary to find out a meaning to what you were saying," Atris answered and her emotions slowly started creeping into her voice. She was highly annoyed by my attitude.
Lonna nodded. "You were just as responsible for what happened as we were," she added.
"Me? How? If I understood correctly, I was passed out!"
Even Lonna started to be irked. She closed her eyes for few seconds, before continuing. "You are twisting my words. We tried to make it as carefully as we could. We explained to you what we were about to do and what it might do to you, but even after we injected sedatives in your bloodstream to weaken you..."
"You drugged me?"
"...you still intentionally fought us as we tried to get the information, which resulted in your amnesia. "
I gaped at them for a moment. "So..." I let out a long breath. "Let me get this straight. You drugged me, brainwashed me and now you say it was my fault I lost all my memories? Because...Hell! Of course I didn't let you in mind like that. It's not normal to crawl into someone's head!" I spat out. The fact about Raenah's influence was better left unsaid. "But even if you were as innocent in this matter as you claim, and it was indeed my fault..." I paused after that for a second, still unable to believe she had really said it, "...your decision was immoral and unethical. But what the Republic doesn't know won't hurt the Order, am I right? You had your puppet who would blindly lead you to the Star Forge, and in the eyes of everyone else you were as pure as a driven snow."
So far Master Arren had been right about everything concerning the Council. But there was one thing, as I had just realized, she was wrong about. She had always claimed that dealing with them was like a game. And only good players would get their reward. But it didn't feel rewarding when, after I was done talking, the Council was just staring at me, speechless. "But you all know it, right?" I whispered, feeling down for some reason. "You know what you've done to me was wrong, no matter what my crimes. Maybe...maybe you were right about its necessity, though I definitely disagree. But not all ends justify the means, huh? What you did was toeing the edge of illegality. Do you realize what I could to you and the Order if I decided to bring this matter out?"
For the second time the Council had nothing to say. "Silence speaks a thousand words," I whispered bitterly. "Though maybe for once I'd like to hear you say something," I added with a sad smile. "Well, thank you for this audience, Masters." I hesitated and for a moment I considered bowing before them, but decided against it after all. So I simply turned around and was about to leave when a voice stopped me. "You have always been difficult." There was no anger in the voice, no irony, no disdain. It was just a statement, just an evaluation of my character and behaviour.
And it was highly amusing. I smiled and looked at Vrook over my shoulder. "You forgot impatient, arrogant and superior," I reminded him of our discussion on Dantooine. It was just something over a month ago, but it felt like ages. "And if I remember correctly, you weren't any nicer to me either."
"You were a Sith Lord."
Taking a slow breath I turned around again. "I had been a Sith Lord. I was just a soldier. With no memories of my true life. But you had too many grudges against me to realize that I had no idea what it all was about. That I had no idea what the interrogation was for. For almost two weeks I'd been trying my best to stay alive and find a way off Taris. I was tired, hurt and sick of everything. The only experience with the Order I had was my feeling of resentment towards it because of its idleness during the war. And you expected me to bow before you and treat you with a respect?"
"You brought it on yourself," he went on as if I hadn't said anything. "If you hadn't disobeyed our orders, none of this would have happened."
I shook my head again, feeling helpless. "And we're back where we started. The war," I said silently. "You know what? Maybe you're right," I said, conjuring confused expressions on their faces. "Maybe I should have never interfered. I should have let them invade our galaxy. Maybe it would have opened your eyes finally, though at the time it would have been already too late."
"What is it, Revan? Some kind of a game?" Atris asked.
I shook my head. Maybe Bastila was right. Maybe not. But if I were ever to tell them, or at least give them a hint, now was the best time. They were listening. I frowned slightly. "Let's say the war with the Sith is like a never-ending story. When you think all of them are gone, there is still one more to fight. One day they will be back. In a week, in a month, in three hundred years...who knows. But the Order must be ready. I beg you, make it be ready," I whispered and whirled around.
"Revan..." Zez-Kai started saying, but I cut him off with my back still to them. "No. I'm done talking. I'm done fighting a fight I can't win. Now it's finally your turn to take care about the Republic's safety. You have your warning. So act, goddamned!" With that I finally started climbing up the stairs leading from the Chamber. My steps were the only sound, since the councillors were quiet and waiting until I was gone before they would start their discussion. I was only hoping it would be fruitful.
I was surprised to find Jolee and Juhani waiting for me in the entrance hall. They quickly fell in line with me, each on one side, as soon as I appeared. "So how did it go?" Juhani asked.
"Better than I could have hoped for, but...," I admitted with a frown.
"But?" Jolee tried to encourage me to go on.
I stopped and frowned, looking over my shoulder as if I could see the councillors standing on the other side of the entrance hall. "I don't know. I feel drained. And would give up everything to be up there to listen to them now," I added and I approached the nearest column and leaned against it with my back. With heavy sigh I slid down slowly. Jolee and Juhani exchanged a quick look before joining me.
"What were you talking about?" Juhani asked silently.
"Well...a lot of things. The war, my friend's exile, me and my reprogramming...Raenah and Malak...stuff," I shrugged.
"Raenah?" Jolee asked. He sounded curious, but I didn't look at him to actually see his face. Instead, I leaned my head back until I touched the cold stone. "I convin..." I bit my lip, "I tried to convince them he was one of Malak's followers."
"Didn't they see through the lie?" Juhani wondered.
"I wasn't lying," I said with a soft smile. "Actually, I told them he was working for himself and...well...it was complicated. And they knew there was more to the story than I was letting on, but couldn't accuse me of anything."
"And the threat?" Juhani whispered.
"Yeah. I've...mentioned it, vaguely. I only hope they will get the message."
For a moment the hall fell silent. With my eyes closed I was listening to the faint sounds of the cheering outside and only after some time I realized I was smiling the whole time.
"Carth?" Jolee spoke up suddenly.
I frowned and looked at him. "Have you been rehearsing this interrogation while I was up?"
"What? We? No? What makes you think so?" he asked innocently and I had to smile. "No, we weren't talking about Carth. They don't know about him," I said and my smile grew broader. "But they will. I intend to keep him."
Jolee laid his hand on my shoulder gently. "It's nice to know despite the chaos you've managed to find each other."
I bit my lip and gave the old Jedi happy glance while covering his hand with mine. "It's been a bumpy ride though. You should have seen us back on Taris."
From my left I heard Juhani laugh softly. "Don't think we haven't talked to Mission. We know everything. "
"Gossips, Juhani?"
"Why not? How else do you want to fight with the cabin fever?" she asked and looked at me from the corner of her eye.
I narrowed my eyes slightly. "Well...you could have joined T3 on his occasional walks on the hulk of the ship."
"Thank you, Revan."
"I aim to please."
"Enough, ladies," Jolee stated firmly and stood up. He walked in front of us and offered each of us a hand to help us stand up too. "I'm sure they are waiting for us out there."
"Spoilsports," I mumbled when he pulled Juhani and me up. With him between us we slowly crossed the large hall and stepped into the sun outside. The wind had risen and was blowing gently against us. It was warm and pleasant, felt like a caress of a lover to me.
"Hey, isn't that Supreme Chancellor?" Juhani asked, looking down under the large stairs. The rest of the crew was there, standing next to few politicians, the Admiral and Chancellor himself indeed. It looked like he was having a speech; his arms were in the air as he was gesticulating wildly, and the crowd was silent, listening intently, but started screaming whenever he made a pause to take a breath.
"Yes, it's him," Jolee confirmed. "Let's go, they are probably waiting for us and the sooner we're down there, the sooner the ceremonial's over and we can go home," he said and I could feel his hand on the small of my back, gently pushing forward.
I smirked when we started walking down the large stairs. "It's going to be very dull."
"Yes, it is," the elder Jedi nodded. "Speeches and praises, mostly empty words."
I bit my lip. "Yeah, but we should be ready for it. After all, we all grew up in the order. Empty words are our speciality."
"Maybe yours," Jolee opposed me. "When I was young..."
"...and had your head full of hair, yeah, I think I've heard this one," I couldn't resist.
Juhani leaned back a little to look at me behind Jolee's back. "I believe I've heard it twice."
"Laugh it up, ladies," Jolee said calmly. "Especially you, lass. While we're going to stand together, I'm sure the Chancellor's going to invite you to stand next to him. Enjoy."
The more closer we were, the more faces were turned to us. First only people from the crowd noticed our presence, then a few politicians joined them, focusing their attention and questioning glances on us from time to time, and finally the crew started whispering about us as well. Carth sent me a bright smile and I couldn't help but respond in kind.
If the Supreme Chancellor noticed the commotion, he didn't show. Even after we joined the rest of the crew he went on with his in advance prepared speech.
"Finally you're back," Canderous growled. "That killer droid was insufferable."
"How so?" I asked.
"He wanted us to go after you to ensure your safety," Mission explained. "But he was strangely polite. Not even once he said anything about killing or eliminating anyone..." she shook her head and frowned slightly.
"How did it go?" Carth asked and tossed his head towards the Temple. "I thought you'd be there much longer."
I turned back to look at the middle spire where the Council had its seat, and was wondering if the councillors were standing behind the window, watching us while talking about how intolerable I had been. I smirked. "I'll tell you later," I promised and before I could add anything else, the crowd once again started hailing. The Chancellor was done with his speech finally. And when I looked at him, he was talking with Admiral Dodonna. Both of them had their eyes locked with mine to my deepest regrets.
Tol Cressa was just as old as most of senators and politicians were. But his eyes that were bearing into mine were full of joy and life. His tall figure, clad in loose ceremonial robes, turned to the Admiral when he softly talked to her, before he turned to the crowd and used his hands to silence them. "But enough of this clatter," he said in loud voice. "Now I finally have the honour to introduce you the hero and saviour of the Republic."
"Go," Jolee whispered behind me and I could feel his hand on my back, pushing me forward once more. I made a note to myself to kill him later when I walked towards the Chancellor. I was taken aback when he bowed before me as his greetings. I quickly followed suit and tried to ignore thousands of people watching us, especially people from holonet. In my mind it was just the two of us in small room, alone. "The honour is all mine," I said when I straightened and the echo of my own voice carrying on and on was highly disturbing the image in my head.
"Pray, excuse me, Master Jedi," he started slowly and this time I saved myself the trouble of trying to explain I was a mere Jedi Knight, "but I must say you're not what I expected. From the talk of you I thought you would be..."
"Taller?" I offered my usual response, though I was careful to say it politely, without any hint of annoyance.
"Man," he corrected me. It took me a second to realize it was just and act. He'd been told I was a woman and this was just for show. Maybe he wanted to be closer to his people by sharing their ignorance.
"I'm sorry to disappoint, Supreme Chancellor," I said and forced myself to smile.
He laughed. "I'm not disappointed at all. Quite the opposite," he smiled at me and then turned to the crowd again. He took a breath and went on with another prepared speech, this time about the short history of Malak's reign as the Sith Lord and mostly about how I managed to end the war. There was much more praise in his speech than I deserved and I was surprised to find the crowd cheering whenever he mentioned my name. It was unbelievable. They had been celebrating like that after the Mandalorian war, but that had been understandable.
When Alek and I had got off the ship it felt as if someone set off a bomb. People were screaming, laughing, cheering...welcoming us, thanking us and hailing to us. We were heroes and not former Sith Lords.
Shorty I allowed myself to look at my friends. And couldn't miss the smug smile on Jolee's face.
When the ceremony was over I had an award pinned on my chest and had nearly lost my hearing. With the promise to arrive to the celebration party the Chancellor finally let me go to my friends.
"Can we get out of here finally?" Carth asked me and watched Mission and Zaalbar already head to the ship.
I bit my lip and had to lean closer to him so that he could hear me over the celebrating people. "Could you wait for me for a moment? I...well…I need to do something first," I added and instead of explaining I simply looked Cedric's way.
Carth followed my gaze and when his eyes returned to mine there was surprise in them. "Are you sure?"
I nodded. "Bastila was right about the Council. Maybe she is right about him as well."
"We'll wait for you on the ship. Take your time," he nodded and smiled at me. His hand touched me gently on my arm for a moment before he stepped away from me and headed towards the Ebon Hawk.
I bit my lip again and took a breath while whirling around before I could change my mind. Cedric's grey eyes were already on me. Or more precisely still on me. He was watching me all along the ceremony, but now when we made an eye contact his old eyes widened in surprise.
Okay, it's time to let go... I thought and made the first step. It was the most difficult, but once I was in motion there was no stopping. Although there were just a few meters separating us, it seemed to take me ages to close the distance. With every step I felt younger and younger and when I finally approached him I felt like five years old again. The only thing missing was Skinny under my arm.
Swallowing the silly feeling I bowed slightly, making it look official in front of the press. And when I straightened I reflected how incredibly old he looked. Definitely older than he should. There were so many deep wrinkles on his face, mostly on his forehead and around eyes which were full of the same weariness I noticed back in Carth's flat a month ago. From this close I realized his eyes weren't only grey, but there were dark green spots around his pupils. "Senator Thaori," I said, not really sure what to add.
Hesitantly his lips moved upwards a little and he lifted his hand and moved it to touch me on my face. However the smile froze on his face when I backed away quickly, avoiding his reaching hand. "No touching," I blurted out. "I am willing to talk, but...don't touch me." Suddenly I felt my own hand wrap around my throat protectively.
He noticed the gesture and his features saddened. He dropped his eyes and pressed his fingers into them. "I am sorry, Raven, I am truly..."
"Don't call me that," I retorted. "Raven is dead, don't you remember? You threw her down the stairs."
For some reason I felt a slight stab of guilt when the old man closed his eyes and grimaced, his hands shaking. "I know nothing can take back what I've done, but you have to believe me I deeply regret it. It's not an excuse but...I was so drunk and didn't know what was doing."
"And I was five and didn't know why," I shot back. His head moved to the side quickly as if my words slapped him. The feeling of guilt grew stronger in me and I looked away from him. I frowned when I noticed the people from holonet were watching us with great interest. I shifted my weight, feeling very uncomfortable.
I cleared my throat to draw his attention back to me. "Senator Thaori," I said, putting my hands behind my back, "thank you for your precious time. I hope to have another chance to talk to you tonight."
Thought there was confusion written all over his features for a moment, he was quick to play along. "But of course, Master Jedi."
"Please, call me Revan," I said and paid him a soft smile. "For now, it would be my honour if I could give you a lift in my ship. It would be the least I could do for you to repay you for all you've done for Telos."
He frowned a little as if he couldn't believe his ears. I sensed his worries, so to make my point I motioned to the waiting Ebon Hawk. Her ramp was lowered, but there was no light coming from the cockpit.
"That's very kind of you, Mas...Revan." He bowed his head and in slow pace the two of us set off towards the ship.
"You don't have to do this," he started saying quietly. "I can tell my company is...unpleasant for you."
"Senator, please, I'm a Jedi. I can survive a minor inconvenience, you don't have to worry about me," I brushed him off. "But I don't have to see the video of me on the holonet the next day," I added in quieter voice.
"After you, Senator," I beckoned him to enter the ship when we arrived to it. He went inside slowly and I followed him.
Canderous lifted his eyes to us when we emerged in the main hold, but didn't make any comments. HK was there as well. He stood in the corridor to the cockpit and was watching Cedric with blazing eyes. I noticed the small gesture when his hands grasped his rifle more tightly, but I was glad didn't raise it to aim it at the politician. "Stand down, HK," I commanded. "And move out of the way. Go do something...hey, find Mission and ask her to upgrade your rifle," I said, hoping to please the droid.
"Statement: Do I have to ask the blue meatbag, Master?" he asked instead.
I rolled my eyes, ignoring Canderous' silent chuckle. "Yes, ask her. Very politely," I growled.
The droid moved away reluctantly. "As you wish, Master," he said in a slow voice, his displeasure evident. I waited until the droid disappeared in the corridor leading to Mission's quarters, before I turned to the Senator. I motioned to the cockpit and he nodded, going the way I pointed. In the cockpit he waited until I closed the door and took the pilot's seat, turning the ship on.
With hesitation he sat down in the co-pilot's seat, looking around. "You can pilot a ship?" he asked finally.
"Of course," I said without looking at him. "Where do you live?" I added after the ship got off the ground. I brought her between the spires of the Temple carefully, trying to glimpse what was happening in the Council Chambers. But it seemed the councillors were no longer in there. "Or better, if you know the coordinates, punch them in. I wouldn't know the address anyway," I added and Cedric moved slowly to oblige me. "You have a nice ship," he said after he was done.
I studied the map that showed me his place for a moment before I answered. "Yeah, she's my sweet girl, " I agreed and found I was much more comfortable talking with him about something else than us. "She's fastest ship in the Outer Rim."
"What's her name?"
"The Ebon Hawk."
Cedric frowned a little bit. "She's painted brown and white," he stated.
I shrugged. "I didn't give her the name." But as much as I didn't want, we had to talk about us. That was why we were here after all.
Carefully I joined the chain of other vessels, ships and speeders racing through the maze of Coruscant's highest skyscrapers. "So tell me," I started, trying my best to hide my anxiety, "what exactly happened after I ran away?"
From the corner of my eye I could see he looked at me quickly. "We...we followed you and were trying to find you. But...it was as if you vanished into thin air," he said in a weak, trembling voice. I couldn't decide if he was so nervous, or afraid of something.
I smirked. "Don't say. You were so boozed up I was wondering how you'd managed to walk up the stairs to my room."
"I...got sobered..." he mumbled. He bent his head now and looked at his hands in his lap. "I realized what I did was wrong and...I am so sorry," he added quietly, his eyes now on me again. "It was a mistake. All along it was a mistake. It wasn't your fault that your mother and I grew...distant...because of my work."
"No, it wasn't," I nodded. "I'm glad I could help you open your eyes," I said with a hint of irony in my voice.
"For months we were looking for you," he went on silently. "Republic soldiers searched everywhere on Telos in attempt to find you, but...eventually they told us the chances of finding you alive after so long were...almost zero."
"What did you tell them?" I wondered. "About why I ran away?"
He hesitated. "We said you tripped and fell down the stairs when you were trying to get away from me and your mother screaming at each other."
I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows at that. "And Morry?"
"She was..." he trailed off.
"What?"
"...on the roof."
I tore my eyes off the traffic and looked at the old men beside me. He shrugged. "I don't know why," he said as if he thought that was what my look was supposed to mean. "She never told me."
Focusing my attention on the traffic again, I bit my lip. "Roof was our place," I started explaining. "We were often up there, watching stars. I was dreaming about visiting them all and she was trying to protect me from you when you were out drinking. She was...intuitive," I mused and had to smile meekly.
There was a slight pause before he started speaking again. "She was crushed by your disappearance. But through all those years she was the only one believing you were still alive. She kept on saying you were fine and one day you'd return. When we wanted to move to Coruscant with your mother, she refused to let us sell the house, so she moved in, still repeating you would return and she would be there waiting for you."
"And she was right, you know?" I used the opportunity to speak when he took a breath. "I was...thirteen?" I wondered. "Doesn't matter. When I became a Padawan, I asked my Master if I could...well...take a few days off the training."
"How did you get to the Order, anyway?" he asked with interest. "And how did you get off Telos?"
I nodded once; it was my turn to tell my story. "Well, after what happened you can imagine I didn't get off unharmed. I remember blood in my mouth and my head hurt," I tried to remember. "Anyway, a young couple found me on the street and took me in. They nourished me back to health, but when they asked about me..." I shrugged, "I...refused to tell them where I lived. I even didn't want to tell them my name, that's why some of my friends call me Adrianne."
He nodded. "Dustil calls you Adrianne. I was wondering about it."
"Well, now you know," I said simply. "Anyway, I stayed with those people. They become my family and I grew to love them, just as they loved me. But about a year later, Ankara – that was Buddy's ship – was captured and the crew arrested."
"A-arrested?"
I blinked. "Eh, they were pirates and smugglers, I haven't told you yet?" I laughed. "It was a fateful day," I added. "There was a Jedi with the Republic soldiers. And so a few hours after that I was in the Temple, dressed in apprentice robes, being trained the ways of the Jedi," I finished my story. He didn't need to know I had disliked it at first. He didn't need to know that after some time the Council had decided to send me to Dantooine, hoping I'd find peace there. It had been Arren who helped me deal with everything. But at the end, they took her from me as well, I thought with a deep frown. After they had exiled my Master, they tried to give me another, but I never accepted any of them. All those Jedi Masters were no more than mere teachers in my eyes, and they were all aware of this little fact.
"You were Revan's Master?"
"No, I wasn't. As strangely as it might sound, Revan had no Master."
The navigation computer beeped silently, bringing me back to present. We arrived at Cedric's place. "Well, I think our little chitchat is over," I said in a cold voice, after I landed in his own small hangar. "I guess I'll see you in the evening," I said instead goodbye.
He understood and stood up from the seat. "Yes, I'm...I'm looking forward to it," he nodded. "Could I ask you one more question before I go?"
I chewed on my lower lip for a few seconds, before answering. "Shoot."
"I am a public person," he started, "so are you right now. They're going to ask questions about why we were talking and why you took me to your ship."
"Tell them I was interested in my homeworld's condition after my former friend's tender care," I said immediately.
"I...I was hoping I could tell them I was greeting my daughter," he said so quietly I almost couldn't hear him.
"But I'm not your daughter," I said in an empty voice. And then I realized it was the first time I ever said it out loud. Through all the years I knew the truth, lived with it and tried to forget it, but never dared to admit it. But now it was out and nothing could take it back. It was a rather childish way of thinking, I knew, but I couldn't help myself.
When I didn't receive any response, I turned around in the seat to look at him. He appeared startled by my sudden movement, his eyes widened and his hands twitched, as if he hadn't expected me to look at him. "Cedric?"
He nodded and tried to smile at me, but his attempt turned out to be a woeful grimace instead. "O-of course. I wouldn't want to lie to anyone," he nodded and slowly turned around. With slightly hung head he left the cockpit and I let out a long breath, hiding my face in my palms, feeling incredibly miserable. After all, being tormented by your conscience was the worst punishment ever. I knew the torture very well myself.
With a quick motion I sprung to my feet and run from the cockpit. "Cedric!" I stopped him in the main hold. "You know what?" I asked him. "I'm a murderer. I killed and tortured people while being completely aware of it, and though I didn't take any pleasure from it I did it over and over again. My...my best friend is dead because of me, because I took him down him down with me and while I was able to survive, he was drowning, and I was too blind to see it and too slow to help him. And I did even far worse things, both to me and someone else. And despite it all...well, you saw the people outside. They didn't condemn me. They gave me a second chance knowing what monster I am."
Cedric's eyes lit with a strange gleam while I was speaking. A gleam of hope.
"If...if it makes you feel better tell them whatever you want...just don't touch me!" I added quickly when he made a move to me as if he...well...I had no idea what he'd wanted to do, but I didn't want him to do it anyway. "My point is: I can't judge you. I've done worse things. Let's...let's leave it at that...for now."
For the first time his smile was genuine and happy. "Not only you look exactly like your sister, you have just as gentle heart as she did. I...I was hoping you might say that, but really didn't believe you would."
I shrugged and shifted nervously. "Well...let's say I tend to do things no one expects I would. Just...well...I think you better go," I blurted out and turned on my heel, quickly returning to the cockpit. There I sat in the pilot's seat with a heavy sigh and hid my face in my palms.
I winced when I felt someone's hands on my shoulders. "Hey, shh, that's me," Carth whispered in my ear with a chuckle. "You're really something, you know that?" he added, sliding his hands down my arms.
"What do you mean?" I asked and turned the seat to face him.
He placed his hands on the armrests, leaning closer to me. "Not many people would do that."
I smiled meekly and shrugged. "He seemed really sorry for...for everything. He was so consumed by his guilt and..."
He grinned and finally closed the remaining distance between our faces, placing the softest of kisses on my lips. "And this is why I love you."
I smirked as well and quickly locked my hands behind his neck, not allowing him to pull away. "You're all talk and no..."
"See, Big'Z?" A voice from the door said, making Carth close his eyes and clench his teeth with annoyance, while I leaned to one side to look over his shoulder at the blue Twi'lek. She was watching her big furry friend, her hands folded over her chest. "I knew it was a good idea to let Dustil wait in the main hold. I think this sight would scar him for the rest of his life."
"How come you aren't scarred?" I narrowed my eyes at him when Carth gently disentangled from my embrace.
"I grew up on Taris," she reminded me and offered us a sweet smile, "I'm used to seeing horrific things."
"Careful there," Carth warned her, "remember in whose flat you're going to live."
Her smile grew even sweeter and she lifted one hand to play with her lekku. "You look good together. I mean it!" I she added after another look Carth gave her. Then he shook his head and passed her by.
"Hey, I really didn't want to jump on you two like that," she went on, apologetically, after he was gone, moving to seat in the co-pilot's seat.
I shrugged and turned back to the panel. "Better than if Dustil walked in on us," I uttered and lifted the girl off the ground. Slowly I made her spin around in the hangar before carefully leading her out of it.
...
"Do you know what I see when I close my eyes?"
"What?"
"The storm, Alek…"
...
I sensed him coming long before I heard him. His steps were light as usually, and he was humming his favourite song silently. He stopped however when he walked into the living room and spotted me sitting on the floor.
For some time he didn't move. And when I opened my eyes I saw him smiling at me. He was leaning against the doorframe, his jacket over his shoulder. I couldn't help but return the smile, while standing up. I walked to him and welcomed him home with a kiss. "How was your day?" I asked in quiet voice and was hoping the smile and casual behaviour would hide my true feelings.
"As usual. How about yours?" Carth asked and his arm wrapped around my waist to pull me closer for another kiss.
"Oh…fine, I'd say. I went to the Temple after so long. It felt weird to be there, but…" I shrugged and stepped away from him.
"Did they summon you?" he asked.
"No, I was just in the archives," searching for Jaden, I explained and watched him throw his jacket on an armchair. He took me by my waist and silently led me out of the living room and into the Vaner's bedroom. Only there he let go of me and approached the cradle. I had to smile; watching them together was the most beautiful sight ever. If only it could last forever, I thought wistfully.
"Why?" he whispered, leaning above his son. "Were you trying to find out anything about the dreams?"
"No," I waved my hand. "It's just a storm, it doesn't have any meaning," I lied. He looked at me for a second and I could tell that he – as usually – didn't buy it. Nevertheless, he didn't press the matter. Instead he nodded and joined my side again, leading me out of the bedroom.
Just as the door closed behind us, my comlink ringed. I covered the device with my hand immediately to muffle the sound, but didn't answer it. I knew it was from Canderous, which meant I couldn't answer his call in front of Carth.
My eyes raced to him to catch him with a sad smile on his lips. "You're not going to pick it up?" he asked.
I shook my head. "No. What if it's the Council?" I asked and turned off the sound finally. "I've had an unpleasant argument with Atris today," I offered as an explanation, but Carth knew better.
He nodded. "Where's T3?" he asked suddenly and I cocked my head to one side. "In the kitchen. Why?"
"I need his help," he said simply and brought me closer for one last kiss. Without any other word he left me alone in the room.
I sighed. You'll have to tell him one day, I thought when I looked at the comlink. He doesn't deserve that you leave him without a word. He needs to know you're doing it for him and for Vaner. In slow motion, I activated it.
The end.
So, I would like to thank you all for reading and following my story and of course, for giving me your thoughts on it, and I hope you all found something you liked. It's been a great year (wow...that long? :D) and althought sometimes it wasn't easy to find the right words and I know the story still has some space for improvement (what? Grammer and spelling? what is it? :D), I really enjoyed writing it, partly because of you and your support :)