Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight

Chapter 36- Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Broken- Lifehouse

A/N: This is a long one, folks. It's also probably the most important chapter in the whole story.

Bella POV

What had I ever done to deserve this?

This is what I kept asking myself as I blindly stumbled through the hallways of the hotel. I was feeling a whirlwind of emotions, none of them positive. There was pain, so much pain, and it was the most unwelcome. There was hurt and betrayal and anger and fear and horror and disgust and disbelief.

That was not the Edward I had grown to love. That was not the Edward I knew. That was not the Edward I wanted to be with.

Even though I was hurting like never before, I didn't think anyone could justify what he had done. The drugs I expected, the mugging was a slight surprise, and the murder was a huge shock. I couldn't comprehend how Edward, my Edward could be so coldblooded and just shoot someone. It made absolutely no sense.

But what made me sick to my stomach was what he had done to that poor girl.

In my eyes, it was rape. Having gone through what I had with Jacob (and it was easier to think his name now), it was rape. Knowing what it felt like to be taken advantage of, it was rape. It didn't matter that she didn't tell him "no". The mere fact that he knew she didn't want it made it rape to me.

And he had an absolutely bullshit excuse for it, too- revenge. It was just unacceptable, and it broke my heart.

It broke my heart that he was so wonderful to me and made me love him, only for me to find out that he was nothing short of a criminal. A part of me hated him for having the nerve of being with me, knowing what I had been through with Jacob.

I didn't think I could ever be with someone like that.

To me, he was almost like Jacob, if not worse. I didn't know why I kept falling for the wrong type, what I had done to deserve being hurt over and over and over again. Did God hate me?

I tripped and collapsed onto my knees in the middle of a random hallway, and let myself fall back onto my behind. I was crying like someone had died, and that was because it just wasn't fair.

I wrapped my arms around my knees and sobbed into my thighs, wanting to die.

I would never know what it would feel like to be loved by the right person. It was psychopaths that kept falling for me, and it made me hate life.

I didn't know how long it was before someone opened their hotel room door to ask me what was wrong. It was a woman, but I didn't even want to bother explaining myself. Eventually I got up and walked away, wiping away the last of my tears.

I wasn't going to cry anymore; I didn't even know if it was worth it.

I walked around for a while, ignoring the few maids that asked me if I was lost, or if I was okay, or if I needed help.

Yes, I was lost. No, I was not okay. Yes, I needed help.

I was breathing through my mouth because my nose was stuffy and my eyes were so puffy that my vision was hindered. Once I let myself think past all of the shit that Edward had done, I tried to think about what to do.

I took a deep breath and leaned against a wall by some elevators. I wasn't going to go back to the hotel room, not with him there.

Rosalie and Emmett were still at their bachelor and bachelorette parties, and I was suddenly worried about what would happen at the wedding. I still loved Rosalie, despite who she was related to, but I highly doubted she knew what Edward did. I wasn't going to tell her because it wasn't my story to tell, but I didn't even know if I was going to make it to the wedding.

There was no way in hell that I'd able to walk down the aisle with Edward.

I jumped when my phone started vibrating in my pocket, and I prayed that it wasn't him. I pulled it out and glanced at the screen, relief coursing through me when I saw that it was Alice.

I flipped it open and held it to my ear, but I couldn't speak.

"Bella?" She sounded anxious. "Bella, are you okay? Something's been nagging me all day..."

Even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore, the sound of her voice made me burst into tears all over again.

"Bella, where are you?" she asked.

"A-A-Alice," I sobbed.

"We're coming to get you. Tell us where you are."

I looked around me and saw that I had somehow ended up on the second floor.

"Second floor," I gasped.

"We're on our way," she said and I flipped the phone shut, trying to compose myself.

The elevator dinged and I turned in time to see Alice and Jasper walk out and freeze at the sight of me.

"Oh, my God," Alice said, and she immediately came to sit next to me. I threw myself into her arms and let the sobs rack through me as Jasper watched in quiet concern.

"Bella, where's Edward?" he asked, and just hearing his name was enough to ruin me.

They were both stunned into silence by my hysterical weeping, and Alice looked like she was about to have a panic attack.

"Okay, let's get you upstairs to our room," Jasper said, helping me to my feet. I felt worn out and exhausted so I let them half-carry me into the elevator.

We went up to the fourth floor, the same floor that I had run down from. When we got off the elevator, I was filled with an ominous feeling. The hallway was long and empty, the yellow lights dim in a way that made it look creepy. I kept my head down and let my two friends take me to their room, which was in the 430s.

When we passed by room 425, the room I had shared with Edward, I couldn't help but glance at it.

It looked the same. You wouldn't have thought that a criminal was on the other side.

I wondered if he was still in there, or if he had run off.

I hated that I cared.

Jasper stopped outside the door, and we turned to look at him.

"Is he in here?" he asked, pointing at the door.

I shrugged, trying to look I didn't give a shit.

Jasper knocked on the door and I turned to Alice, pleading with my eyes for her to get me out of here.

She nodded once and took my hand, leading me straight down the hall to room 431. She swiped her card and pulled me inside, where I immediately went over to the bed and collapsed.

Alice came and curled up beside me.

"I can't be with him," I said, voice raspy. "I might even hate him."

"Bella, you don't really mean that." Alice chided. Then she searched my face and her expression melted into disbelief. "You... you hate him?"

I shrugged halfheartedly.

"But what happened?" she asked.

I ignored her question. "I don't think I'll never be able to forgive him. Ever."

"But what did he do?" Alice asked, exasperated.

I swallowed thickly. I almost told her what he did, but I decided against it. It just wasn't my story to tell, and it would kill me to talk about it.

"Did he hurt you?" she asked.

Traitor tears stung my eyes once more. "In more ways than you can imagine."

"Bella," Alice said, and I could tell her patience was waning. "What the hell did he do to make you hate him?"

"What hasn't he done?" I cried, and I thought I had run out of tears but they just kept coming. "He... he told me all this stuff that he did back before he met me, and... Alice, he's no better than Jacob."

I could feel the waves of shock roll off of her as she sat there and stared at me, absorbing what I had just said.

"Bella, he couldn't have," she finally whispered.

"Oh, he did," I said, and I sounded as bitter as I felt. "You better believe it. All I'm going to say is that he is not who I thought he was. He's... he's done things..." I took a deep, shaky breath. "He should be in jail. He told me all these... crimes that he committed and I still can't quite believe... I loved him, I really, really did. Maybe I still do, but I'm trying to stop myself because this always happens to me. Alice, I always fall for the crazy ones, and it's just not fair. It's over; I'm just... I'm done."

I sniffed and wiped away the tears as Alice stared at me. My heart was hurting, my head was pounding, and my eyes were aching. I felt sick, and I wanted to curl up and disappear forever.

"You broke up with him?" she asked, and her voice sounded so small.

"I had to!" I said defensively. "I can't be with someone like that, Alice. It isn't right. It's... its sick."

She clenched her eyes shut and put two fingers to each of her temples, thinking hard.

"It's not supposed to be like this," she muttered to herself.

"It doesn't even matter," I said. "I don't know what to do anymore."

"Bella, I'm trying really hard to understand... but I can't."

"I don't expect you to. I just... I need someone I can trust. That's all."

"Are you going to tell me what he did?"

I shook my head. "If I talk about it, I'll... I don't know what I'll do."

We sat there in silence, me feeling like crap and Alice holding her head like she had a headache.

Finally, she sighed. "Okay. What are we going to do about the wedding tomorrow? You two have to walk down the aisle together."

"I'm not going to," I said. "I'll walk down the aisle with anyone else, just not him."

Alice looked frustrated. "I'm not going to ask you why because it's none of my business, but... is it so bad that you won't even plaster on a fake smile for the sake of your brother's wedding?"

Emmett. What would he say about this? And it would be hard to keep this from Rose. I didn't want to ruin their wedding day with my problems.

However, Emmett and Rosalie were involved as much as I was. She was Edward's sister, and Emmett was my brother, and they were getting married. If Rosalie was in my life, Edward would as well and I didn't want that.

At least, that's what I kept telling myself.

"I don't know what to do, Alice," I whispered. "I guess I'll go to the wedding, as long as he isn't anywhere near me. I won't be able to handle it. It'll hurt too much."

Alice nodded, but she looked completely perplexed.

A moment later, Jasper walked in with my suitcase in his hand. The only way to describe his face was using a cliché- he looked like he had seen a ghost.

"Well," he said quietly, shutting the door behind him. "That was... surprising."

"What?" Alice asked him. "What happened with Edward?"

Jasper set the suitcase down and ran two hands over his face. "He was a mess. I don't think I've ever seen him so... broken. It was hard to watch."

I hated the pang of guilt that went through me. I ground my teeth together and told myself that this was karma. If he was in pain, it was for all the pain he put others through.

But why did it feel like karma was biting me in the ass, too? What had I done to be in this much pain?

"He kept talking about how he doesn't deserve to live anymore," Jasper mumbled.

"What?" Alice was stunned.

"Yeah. I didn't want to leave, afraid that he'd do something rash. I tried to talk him into not being so... you know... suicidal. I reminded him of the wedding tomorrow, but he just told me to leave, take Bella's suitcase, and let him die. He's... God, I don't know. He needs help."

"I don't think he'll do anything too crazy," Alice said, sounding unbelievably confident in a moment like that. "We should keep an eye on him though, maybe call up Sam and Tom...?"

Jasper shrugged and sat down at the edge of the bed. "It's... so fucking baffling. I mean, I take it that you broke up with him, Bella?"

I nodded, not meeting his gaze.

"Can I ask why?"

I shook my head.

Jasper didn't argue with me but handed me a box of tissues that I gratefully took from him and used to clean the mess that was my face.

I was so, so tired. The pain was so exhausting and I wanted nothing more than the unconsciousness of sleep to overwhelm me. I was overwhelmed with Edward's awful past and I wished I could erase all of the gruesome images that flashed through my mind. I had gone through enough pain to last me a lifetime, and I wanted it to end.

I let myself fall back until my head hit the pillow and I closed my eyes.

"I just want to forget," I whispered. "I'll go to the wedding tomorrow but I'm so close to just giving up on everything."

I felt the bed move and then Alice was lying next to me.

She put her head on my shoulder. "Whatever it is, I'm so, so, sorry. I thought for sure that Edward was the one for you, but... I guess maybe I am wrong sometimes."

"I guess you are."

Alice tried to shake me awake, but she shouldn't even have bothered. It's not like I had slept at all.

"Rise and shine," she trilled. "Today, I am determined to help you put on and maintain a poker face believable enough for wedding pictures."

"Good luck with that," I whispered in my hoarse voice.

It was the day of the wedding, and I had slept in Alice and Jasper's room. He had graciously volunteered to use the couch while Alice slept beside me. It took me forever to fall asleep, and when I did it had only been for small intervals. Those small intervals were plagued with the disturbing images Edward had planted in my head, along with the memories of everything that had happened at Fizz.

On the plus side, I hadn't cried all night. There was a numbness that took the place of the sadness and pain, a numbness that made me feel absolutely nothing about anything. If I hadn't been so numb, I would have been surprised at my lack of emotion as I climbed out of bed, still in my clothes from the day before.

I was a zombie through the shower, and even more of a zombie while I got dressed. Edward was at the back of my mind, and probably would be for the rest of my life. I tried to focus hard on every little task so that he wouldn't be in the center of my mind.

"Where's Jasper?" I suddenly noticed his absence as I pulled on a random pair of sneakers. I had been so focused on not focusing on Edward that I didn't even realize what was going on around me.

"He's making sure everything is okay," Alice said carefully, and I knew she meant he was probably making sure Edward hadn't jumped out the window or something.

The mere thought of him doing something like that made me cringe, and the pain came back before I pushed it behind the numbness again.

I must not let myself care.

I nodded and sat on the bed, waiting for Alice to finish applying her makeup. I didn't see the point of putting any on; our makeup would be done all over again once we got ready for the wedding ceremony. Thinking about the wedding made the seemingly permanent knot in my stomach tighten.

I wondered if I would go ballistic seeing Edward there, if he was going to be there. I had a feeling that Jasper would somehow force him to go, much like Alice was doing with me. I understood they did it for the sake of Rosalie and Emmett, but they thought that this was just a very bad breakup.

I would go insane if they tried to get us to make up.

Alice was finally done with her unnecessary primping and she turned to look at me with the saddest expression I had ever seen on her delicate face.

"Look at you," she whispered.

"What about me?" I mumbled.

She walked over to the bed and curled up beside me, taking both of my hands and squeezing them hard.

"I care about you so much," she said emphatically. "You're my best friend in the whole world, and I want the best for you. Now, I don't know what happened between you and Edward, but obviously it was bad if it made you look and act like this."

Look and act like what? I thought. I'm trying so hard to be normal.

She looked away from me, distracted. "I thought for sure he was the one." She shook her head, ridding a thought. "Regardless. I know you're hurting, I can tell. I hate seeing you like this. If you need a night where we pig out on Ben & Jerry's and watch sappy chick flicks, that's fine. We'll do it. But today... today you need a poker face."

"I thought I already had one on," I grumbled.

Alice smiled sadly. "Your eyes, Bella. I know you're hiding your emotions but your eyes are the most expressive part of you. Well, apart from your blush, but that's been absent for a while."

I looked down, not knowing what to say.

"You'll pull through this, I know it," Alice said confidently. "We'll help you."

I felt like such a charity case.

"I think I can handle my problems on my own, Alice," I said, sounding colder than I meant.

Her enthusiastic look fell before she shrugged it off and pulled me off the bed.

"I know you can handle them on your own, but you shouldn't have to."

The hotel's bridal suite was full of squealing young girls having breakfast with the bride. There was the bustle of movement as the bridesmaids ran around making last minute adjustments to this dress or that shoe.

Thankfully Rosalie was too excited to notice my blank stare.

The next few hours were painful. I had to put on a fake smile and act like I cared when someone asked me my opinion on their hair or when they gushed over how nice the bridesmaid dress looked with my skin tone. The most annoying things were the pictures. They were taking so many pictures, one after the other, and I knew there had to be at least a few that unexpectedly captured my less-than-enthusiastic expression.

I was trying, I really was. After a while the fake smile was making my cheeks hurt and I just wanted this wedding to be over with. I didn't think about what would possibly happen after the nuptials. I didn't think about what would happen when I went back to Forks, and whether or not I'd be home alone while Emmett and Rosalie were at their honeymoon in Bermuda.

I didn't even want to think about afterward; the word itself suddenly had an ominous ring to it.

The wedding would take place in the afternoon, outside in the hotel's massive and beautiful garden. Then the reception would be inside the hotel, in one of the ballrooms. The ceremony I could deal with, but the reception scared me. I would not be dancing, I would not be eating, I would not be socializing. Still, I would be there, pretending like I was part of the happiness that came with weddings.

After brunch, it was time to start getting ready. I assisted Rosalie in getting into her dress, a gorgeous, sleeveless, flowing gown that was covered in lace and hugged her curves in all the right places. It had a pale gold sash around the waist, and the plunging neckline did amazing things for her boobs. It was lovely for a garden wedding.

It was time for Vera and Lee to assist with makeup, and we all started helping each other out with the cosmetics. All I really did was say things like "looks good" or "that's a nice color".

I slipped into the bridesmaid dress; it was a lovely dark coral color with a black sash. It was strapless and flowing, the hem falling just above my knees. I felt a little exposed, but everyone complimented me.

When all of us were beautified, I was pulled over to the mirror.

I didn't look like me.

The expression on the girl's face was bored, a tad surprised to say the least. Her dress fit her perfectly and her hair was pulled back into an elaborate style that involved a braid that curled around the back of her head with a few locks framing her face. Her eyes looked wider thanks to the makeup, kept natural due to the garden theme of the wedding. There was a fair amount of blush on her cheeks because her naturally pink cheeks were on vacation for a little while. Her lips were shiny, giving the illusion that she was pouting prettily, even though she was frowning.

She was beautiful, and would have been stunning were it not for her emotionless face.

Then I remembered the girl was me, and the depression came seeping back.

We all waited patiently for the call that would let us know that the guests had arrived and were seated. There came a point where Rosalie quietly asked me what was wrong, and I knew my poker face wasn't unreadable anymore. Apparently Alice had told her that I was having boy trouble, so I shrugged it off, telling her that Edward and I had gotten into a fight and that it was nothing for her to worry about.

"It's time, it's time!" Alice's excited voice suddenly rang out and my heart skipped a beat.

There was no more avoiding him now.

We all went down to the back of the hotel and stopped inside the grand ballroom where the reception would be held. There were a pair of double doors that led out onto the gardens, where the ceremony would take place.

I peeked out one of the windows of the ballroom, trying to see what had been done to the gardens of the hotel.

Stone steps lead down to the acres of grass, a part of which was split in half by white fabric in order to create an aisle. Chairs were lined up on either side, all of which already had seated guests. I recognized some of them from Forks, some of Emmett's friends, and the others I assumed were Rosalie's friends and family. She knew a lot of people that was for sure.

Temporary pillars were strategically placed to help form a canopy of delicate fabric that hovered around where the ceremony would take place. A few feet behind the altar was a small pond, adorned with lily pads and lotuses. The gardens stretched behind that, and you never would have thought that we were in a city.

And the flowers- there were flowers everywhere. They were wrapped around the pillars, colorful and fun, as well as adorning the makeshift altar that sat at the far end. It was definitely a sight to behold, without being over-the-top or too dramatic.

"The groomsmen are here!" someone said, and my throat tightened.

I heard footsteps and the sound of male voices echoed across the ballroom. I remained where I was, frozen by the windows.

I didn't hear his voice. Was he even there? Was he even coming?

"Emmett's not here, is he?" Alice cried. "He can't see her!"

"He's coming down with Ryan," Jasper's voice said. "Get Rose out of here so we can get him into the garden without seeing her, quickly!"

It was mayhem as the bridesmaids, except for me, hustled to get Rosalie into a nearby room before Emmett could get to the ballroom. A moment later, Alice returned to keep me company.

She stopped at my side, eying me with concern. "How are you doing?"

"Is he here?" I whispered tersely.

I already knew the answer. I could feel him in the room.

Alice nodded.

"Alice, I can't deal with him," I said, almost inaudibly. "Not after last night... Let me walk down the aisle with someone else, please. Can I borrow Jasper?"

Alice chewed on her lip. "It's not my wedding, Bella."

"I don't care, just do something. Please, I'm desperate. I can't... not him. Anyone but him."

She looked panicky. "The wedding's about to start."

"Ask Rosalie if it's okay, please," I begged.

"Bella!" Emmett's voice rang out throughout the room, and I jumped. I only turned my head fractionally, still too afraid to turn around fully.

Emmett was suddenly beside, looking like a little boy on Christmas morning. He had a huge ear-splitting grin across his face, and his eyes were sparkling.

I couldn't help but smile genuinely.

"Look at you!" he said, pulling me into a hug. "You look great!"

"I can say the same to you," I said, hugging him tightly. His arms felt so good to be in, and I blinked back tears.

He pulled away, a little too soon for my liking, and beamed down at me.

"Can you believe it?" he said. "I'm getting married! In London! Who would've thought?"

"Pretty amazing," I mumbled.

"Man, I can't wait to get to Bermuda. Listen, I'm trusting you and Edward to not burn the house down while we're gone, okay?"

Edward. House. Burning.

I couldn't breathe.

Before I could react in a noticeable way, we were interrupted by one of the hotel's staff.

"Excuse me, if everyone could please assemble, the musicians are about to begin," he said.

There was more bustling and Emmett forgot me, suddenly looking nervous.

"Lee," I said, grabbing the nearest bridesmaid's arm. "Switch groomsmen? Please?"

Lee looked confused. "Um, sorry Bella, but I'd like to walk down the aisle with my sexy boyfriend. Can I ask why? Is something wrong with you and Edward?"

I started to feel nauseous and shook my head, deciding that I had to meet my doom.

I couldn't keep running away from him. Not until after the wedding, anyway.

I stepped back from Lee and her boyfriend, taking a shaky breath before I finally turned all the way around.

There he was.

He stood furthest away from everyone else, leaning against one of the tables that had been set up for the reception. For a second I forgot how horrible he was, how much he had lied to me and hurt me, and what he had done. I forgot about the drugs and the stabbings and the arson and the pretty-much-rape.

For a second, I let all the pain from the night before flood back.

Even though his face indicated that he had gotten zero amount of sleep, and even though his hair looked unwashed, there was something I felt for him. Even though his green eyes were downcast, and his brows were furrowed in something that resembled anguish, I was still hurting. Even though his posture was too stiff, too hunched, he was beautiful. Hauntingly beautiful.

And I hated him for it.

As if he could feel my gaze, he lifted his eyes.

There was something that happened when his eyes met mine, something in the air. It was an odd kind of electricity, but not the sexual kind. It was a different kind of electricity that jolted through me, and it was almost painful. It felt like need and despair and pain and sorrow.

His green eyes, puffy and swollen, expressed complete and utter agony.

I looked away, my heart palpitating.

That look in his eyes was almost enough for me to feel sorry for him.

Almost.

The bridesmaids and groomsmen assembled like we had practiced, in the order we would be going out in. Emmett was at the front, and everyone else was in pairs. Edward and I were supposed to stand in front of Alice and Jasper, behind Lee and her boyfriend.

I was frozen, completely oblivious to the organization that was being attempted around me.

"Bella," Alice jerked on my arm. I looked at her pleading face.

"Poker face," she whispered. "Jasper gave Edward the same lecture."

Almost reluctantly, I glanced up at Edward to see that his pained expression had been replaced with a look of impassiveness. Now he looked bored, even though his eyes were blazing with some hidden emotion.

"I don't know if I can," I whispered, choking on the words.

"It's only 30 seconds," Alice said. "30 seconds and you separate."

I took a deep breath and nodded, and she pulled me over to the line that was forming. Jasper was pulling Edward along, and Edward wasn't even fighting it. They made us meet in the center of the line, and then proceeded to take their places behind us.

I stood next to Edward, unmoving. He stood next to me, still as a statue. Both of us faced straight ahead.

We were so close that if I shifted even a little to the right, our arms would brush. He didn't say anything, and neither did I. There was an unmistakable hum in the air, and I could practically feel the static currents in between us.

The doors opened and we heard the music that would lead us out onto the garden. Emmett did his thing, followed by best man and then Rosalie's friends with their groomsmen partners.

And then Lee and her "sexy" boyfriend had gone out into the sun.

It was our turn.

At first I thought Edward nudged me, but when I looked down, I saw that he had his elbow bent towards me. I remembered that we were supposed to be arm in arm.

This is going to be too much for me.

I looked up at his face, and his brows were furrowed in... worry? I guess he wasn't sure if I would take his arm or not.

I didn't want to touch him.

"Go, it's your turn!" Alice said, and I jumped. Without thinking, I had taken Edward's arm and we were walking out into the gardens.

Our steps were a little too hurried, and our arms were stiff. It was awkward, and the violinists had to speed up the music to match our pace. I could feel the tension between us, and I despised him for it. I despised him for everything.

Emmett was eying us in confusion when we reached the altar, and I let go of Edward's arm like he had burned me. I stumbled over to where the bridesmaids stood, willing myself not to cry.

Don't look at him, don't look at him, don't look at him, I chanted in my head.

I decided to watch the guests to distract myself. I didn't recognize most of the people, but there were a few from Forks that smiled and nodded at me. I tried my best to return the gesture, though it probably came off as super fake, which it was.

I saw Esme sitting in the front row, already dabbing her eyes with a tissue. I was a little surprised to see her, and I wondered if Carlisle was in London as well.

Then the Bridal March began, and everyone stood to watch Rosalie glide down the aisle.

She was stunning, almost ethereal. She was glowing and smiling and looking the happiest she had in her entire life. The look on Emmett's face was one of pure love and adoration. You could tell that she was the center of his world, his reason for living. He only had eyes for her, and she only had eyes for him.

The tears returned, and I tried to tell myself that they were happy tears. I was happy for Emmett and Rosalie, glad that they got their happily ever after.

I would never have a wedding. I would never have someone that loved me like Emmett loved Rosalie.

Nobody wanted me, and the ones that did were screwed up in the head.

Despite the fact that I told myself that my tears were tears of joy, deep down there was the aching pain of reality.

Emmett and Rosalie joined hands and I forced myself to zone out during the vows. I didn't think I would be able to hear them promise their eternal love to one another. Instead I watched Esme as she stared at her daughter getting happily married. She was smiling and constantly wiping her eyes, no doubt overjoyed that Rosalie was getting the kind of marriage she never had.

When they were announced husband and wife, we all cheered as they kissed and Emmett dipped her like you saw in the movies. We cheered some more as they walked down the aisle together and disappeared inside, to the ballroom.

It was time for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to follow them out, and once more I had to face Edward.

This time I didn't take his arm, and he didn't offer it to me. We were once again walking with our backs straight, faces impassive. It was more painful than if he showed any emotion at all.

Once we were back inside the ballroom, I practically made a run for it. Rosalie and Emmett had gone out into the lobby, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen were supposed to take pictures together while the guests filed into the ballroom for the reception. Alice took my hand and we met up with everyone else in the lobby. I didn't look at Edward as we followed the bride, groom, and slightly disgruntled photographer into another one of the hotel's gardens.

The photographer ordered us around for a while, and I put on my best smile, hoping it would come off as genuine. Emmett and Rosalie would have those pictures forever.

I glanced at Edward once, and he wasn't even bothering to smile. His face was stony, emotionless and I felt an annoyance that I couldn't comprehend.

Once we were done taking pictures, we headed into the reception hall before the bride and groom, making our way over to the tables that held our place cards.

Then I remembered that I was sharing a table with Edward.

Worst day ever... Okay, maybe not the worst.

Our little table was supposed to seat me, Edward, Alice, and Jasper. I didn't know who else to sit with, and I was really close to sitting with some random family.

"Bella, this way," Alice was on me once again, pulling me towards the table.

"Alice, no," I stopped her, pulling on her arm until she stopped walking. "Please stop. You guys can't force us back together."

"That's not our intention, Bella," she said. "We're trying to make everything look okay for Em and Rose. Don't take away that poker face yet."

I sighed heavily. "Alice, this isn't going to work."

"Anyone seen Edward?" Jasper was suddenly beside us, looking worried.

Alice scanned the crowd while I stared at the floor.

"That's funny..." she mumbled. "I saw him just a second ago."

I looked up and scanned the crowd as well, my heart thumping. She was right, and relief filled me.

He was gone.

"Where the hell is he?" Jasper said.

"We can't worry about that now," Alice said, holding onto his arm. "I think they're about to introduce the Mr. and Mrs. now. C'mon."

She dragged us over to our little table and I reluctantly sat down in the little seat. The one beside me remained empty.

The DJ announced Emmett and Rosalie, and the pair walked in, hand in hand. They danced their way over to the dance floor for their first dance as a married couple, and I watched wistfully.

The rest of the evening was somewhat of a blur. I was a zombie again, picking my way through my food and making lame small talk with people that stopped by our table. Alice and Jasper tried to keep me entertained, but it just wasn't working. Every few minutes they would cast a worried look around, undoubtedly looking for Edward.

I hated to admit it to myself, but I was worried, too.

Jasper's words from the night before rang in my head.

"He kept talking about how he didn't deserve to live anymore."

I swallowed thickly, trying to push away the anxiety that threatened to push me out of my chair and go searching for him.

Why do you even care? I asked myself. He doesn't deserve your concern.

Yes, but he's still a human being, even if he is a messed up one, I argued with myself. Suicide is never the answer.

The anxiety was turning into panic, rapidly bubbling to the surface.

"Bella?" I glanced up to see Sam standing by my chair, looking wary.

"Yeah..." I trailed off awkwardly.

I wondered where I stood when it came to Edward's friends. Sam had always been nice, and for some reason I couldn't imagine him doing the things Edward had done. Still, he had been part of the gang. He had also done things that were probably illegal, and he had been there when Edward killed the Rudy kid.

"What do you want?" I asked coldly.

He raised his brows, taken aback by my tone. "I, uh... wondered if I could talk to you for a sec?"

He glanced at Jasper and Alice, and Alice got the hint.

"Come on, Jazzy, let's dance," she stood up and pulled Jasper over to the dance floor, leaving me alone with Sam.

"I don't know if I want to talk to you," I told him, staring at my plate of untouched food.

Sam sighed and sunk into Edward's seat.

"Bella, I'm really fucking confused," he said. "I have no idea what's going on."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Don't you?"

He looked exasperated as he shook his head. "I don't. Edward wasn't answering my calls last night or this morning, and when I saw you two walking down the aisle I knew something was wrong. I caught up with him after the ceremony and asked what was up, but he told me to piss off and leave him alone. I've never seen him look so depressed. Bella... did you guys break up?"

I rolled my eyes, forcing myself to look and sound indifferent. "Obviously."

He groaned and put his face in his hands. "Fuck. This is not good."

"What's it to you?" I snapped. "It's not like it's any of your business."

Sam dropped his hands to look at me with something close to sadness.

"You're right," he said quietly, and I almost couldn't hear him over the music. "But when he was with you, he was so... different. He was actually happy for once. I've never seen Edward happy, and I've known him for a while. You changed him for the better. I don't know what went wrong, and you're right- it's none of my business. But you guys seemed perfect together, so it confuses me as to what went wrong.

"Usually when couples break up, at least one of them is able to cope, since one of them would have to have done the breaking-up. But both of you look like someone died, and now I'm wondering if something forced you apart."

I stayed silent. Sam probably already knew everything Edward had done.

"Yeah," I muttered. "Something did force us apart."

He didn't say anything, but I knew he was dying with curiosity. When I looked at him, his lips were pressed into a thin line, like he was forcing himself not to ask.

A waiter passed by our table, pushing a cart of food. Sam stopped him and took a plate.

"We could be here for a while," he mumbled, taking a forkful of something that looked like salmon.

"Look, I don't know what you want me to say," I told him. "I didn't like the person he was, so I broke up with him."

Saying those words hurt so much that I was surprised at how monotone my voice was.

Sam stopped with the fork halfway to his mouth. "You dumped him?" Realization crossed his face and he slapped a hand to his forehead."Holy shit. Is it because of what happened at Fizz?"

I swallowed. "Kinda."

He stared at me, looking wary again. "It has to do with Tanya?"

I snorted bitterly, growing angry that he came to that conclusion. "Tanya? Please. I'm more worried about the fact that I was dating a criminal."

Sam's mouth opened and his eyes widened. "What... what did you just say?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Edward has issues. Quite frankly, I'm glad he told me everything, otherwise I'd be completely clueless as to who he really is."

Sam dropped his fork and it fell to his plate with a clatter. "He told you everything?"

I nodded, starting to feel sick. "Everything."

"Everything as in... everything up to the whole Rudy business?"

I couldn't look at my plate. "Yes."

"Bloody hell," he murmured, and there was a pause before he spoke again. "Wait... do you mind telling me what he told you, exactly?"

I was suddenly furious again. "Yeah, I mind!" I snapped. "It hurts just thinking about it; imagine how it feels when I have to say it out loud!"

"Bella, please," he pleaded. "I think everything has been blown way out of proportion. What did he tell you?"

At that point, I wanted to throw it in Sam's face.

Blown out of proportion? Yeah, right.

"The drugs," I said through clenched teeth. "The stabbings, the arson, the muggings... what he did to that poor girl-" I broke off, choking on the words.

Sam let out a huge gust of air. "Anna?"

I nodded once.

Sam closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.

"Bella..." he began warily. "Edward doesn't know the things he did back then any more than you do."

I was lost. "That doesn't make sense."

"Yes it does. Ever heard of hallucinations?"

Wait... what?

"Elaborate," I demanded.

Sam took a deep breath and turned in his seat so he was facing me. He started talking rapidly. "There was a time when Edward was messing around with LSD, or acid. It wasn't an addiction, but he usually fucked around with it when we went out to initiate guys. Most of us didn't like what the acid did to us. At first you feel tingly all over, and euphoric. But then you start to feel all these different emotions at once, and worst of all were the delusions and hallucinations. With me so far?"

I nodded and he continued.

"It's really twisted, this LSD. It fucks with your brains so you think you see, smell, or hear things that aren't really there. It makes you see sound and hear visions, which I know doesn't make sense now but it's the only way to explain what it does to you. Your perception of time and the size and shape of objects gets all fucked up, and you think inanimate objects are moving or changing shape and color. Not only that, but the false happiness you feel turns into more negative things, like fear or irritation or anger. And you feel it all at the same time so it gets to be pretty overwhelming."

"How do you know so much?" I interrupted him. "I get that you've done it but you sound so... medical."

Sam smiled sheepishly. "It's because I'm going into medicine."

I raised my brows. "Medicine? Wow. I never would have expected that from someone who..."

"Was in a gang? Yeah, I know what you mean. Luckily for me, I figured out how to straighten myself up. I was the first to leave Peter's group, actually. Then Tom followed, and then Edward finished up our trio when the whole Tanya thing happened."

I was starting to get fidgety with impatience. "So, back to the LSD stuff... it made Edward hallucinate?"

Sam's expression went grim as he nodded. "Yeah. Most of us weren't into acid, and Edward was the only one that did it. I reckon it was because the effects of it can last for hours on end, and Edward wanted to forget about the shit he dealt with at home for as long as possible."

Sam sighed before continuing, and I knew he was about to get to the point. "Like I said, LSD causes hallucinations, but also flashbacks. There came a point where Edward was having flashbacks all the time. The flashbacks of LSD are usually flashbacks from the last time you used it. Whatever you experienced the last time you used it, you'd experience it again well after the short term effects had worn off. He'd be in school, let's say a good six hours after using, and all of a sudden a desk would be moving, or getting bigger right before his eyes.

"Here's the thing- Edward would usually be strung up on acid when we went out to do crazy shit with Peter. He'd watch Peter or someone else do something, and whatever he'd do would be intensified by the drug. Then, hours later, Edward would have a flashback of the event except he'd think that he was the one who did it."

"I'm confused," I said. "Peter would do something, Edward would watch him while he was high, and then Edward would have a flashback of that same event?"

"Yes, except Edward, because he was high when the event took place, would experience it far worse than it was, and he would experience it as though he did it. Through his eyes."

I tried to process that information. "It all sounds a bit far-fetched," I admitted.

Sam shrugged. "Drugs. They're a bit more complicated than they seem."

"So, he never did any of the stuff he told me he did? Peter did it, and Edward thinks he did it instead? I'm sorry, Sam, but that doesn't sound right."

Sam stared at me, contemplating. "I'm not going to say Edward hasn't done some pretty crazy shit. That's how he got his nickname, Barms. Starting fights for no reason, breaking into shops and sometimes homes, grand theft auto. The list goes on.

"But there's a fine line between what he did and what he saw someone else do. Also, if he did something crazy himself, while on acid, he'd imagine it in an altered way.

"Bella, you might have to enlighten me as to what he told you he did. I'm afraid he's still being delusional, even after we've told him countless times that he hasn't done some of the things he thinks he did.

"It's so easy for Edward to hate on himself, and it's no help that the acid makes him think he's way worse than he is. Okay, yes, he has actually done stupid shit while high on the LSD, but it's obvious why he only remembers the extreme stuff that may or may not have happened. He's really not as bad as he thinks, but he just won't listen. His false memories are so vivid that he thinks we're the delusional ones.

"So... unless you want to keep thinking that he's some monster for the rest of your life, you'll have to tell me the things he told you he's done."

I chewed on my lip, reluctantly thinking about all Edward had told me. The images I conjured up were sickening, and I wondered how many of them were true.

Sam was waiting patiently.

I took a deep breath. "Um... he started off by talking about him and Peter burning Peter's stepdad's bed."

"Ah. That probably happened. It was before I met them, and they were kids, right? So I doubt they were doing drugs back then. I didn't know them until we were thirteen."

"What he said about making guys commit crimes in order to stay in the group... was that true?

Sam looked ashamed. "Yeah, I'm sorry to say that stuff happened."

"Edward was in charge?"

"Yeah. I went with him sometimes. It wasn't pleasant."

I felt nauseous. "He actually made them slice people..."

Sam's eyes widened. "What?"

I stared at him. "You know... making them go out and cut people with knives..."

Sam closed his eyes and shook his head. "Hell."

"Are you telling me he's still having flashbacks of what never happened?"

"No. He hasn't done acid in a while, but he probably remembers a hallucination-slash-flashback as an actual memory. Poor guy probably doesn't know the difference anymore."

I took a moment to absorb that. "So he never cut people?"

Please say no, please say no.

"No."

Thank God.

"But then how do you explain what he said?" I asked. "Where did he get the memory of making someone slice innocent people?"

"We witnessed that happen once, and it wasn't even someone from our group. Usually to initiate someone we'd make them nick something or vandalize something or mug someone. When Peter demanded that we make things harder, we made them use weapons to steal from people, but we never made them use them.

"When we decided to make them rob people at knife-point, we never told them to actually stab people or cut them in any way. I mean I know we were fucked up, but that's pretty twisted. We never meant to hurt innocent people. We just stole from them, for kicks. The only people we hurt physically were the ones that fucked around with us.

"There was one night, not an initiation night, when we decided to just go hang out as friends, not as gang members. We went drinking for a bit, and we were on the streets when we saw some idiot just run up and cut someone's face open, even stabbing him a few times." Sam grimaced. "It was just... sick. Disgusting. I'll honestly never forget how that man was on his knees, screaming for help." Sam's eyes glazed over and then he blinked, shaking his head.

"Anyway, Edward was the one that decided we run after the asshole that cut him and fuck him up. A few them actually did, but Edward and I stayed behind to try and help the poor man out. We couldn't do much, other than call the cops, but I could tell it was hard for Edward to watch someone bleed to death.

"Later he said to me, he said, 'Sam, I'm telling you, that fucking image of that man just won't get the fuck out of my head. It's sick.' After that, he proceeded to take some LSD, and that's when the trouble started. What made it worse was the fact that we made people mug others by knife-point, and so Edward would get some sick image of making them slice people, when in fact they never did. Still with me?"

I nodded, feeling just a little bit of relief. So he hadn't made anyone cut someone else.

"But he said that he's stabbed people," I said hesitantly. "There came a point where people started telling him what to do, to prove he had... 'balls'? He mugged people and vandalized things and lit things on fire?"

Sam shook his head. "Edward hasn't stabbed anyone. That was the effect of the stabbing we saw. Sometimes he'd imagine he saw one of us get stabbed, or he'd imagine that he stabbed one of us, or he'd imagine that he did the slicing. It was different every time, and we told him it was time to lay off the LSD."

"Okay, so he never stabbed anyone, or made anyone else do it?"

"No."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "But then what about the vandalizing and the mugging in general? Burning buildings?"

Sam chuckled. "One thing at a time. Okay, the vandalizing was just another part of street life, really. It's not like we were hurting anyone, we were just pissing people off. Yes, he has mugged people. We all have. We're not proud of it, well, Edward and I aren't proud of it, but we can't change the past. We never put someone's life in danger, but yes we have punched a bloke or two to steal his wallet or something.

"And yes, he has burned things but he hasn't lit houses on fire. He hasn't put people out of their homes or anything like that. Edward had a thing for fire ever since he was kid, but he started out burning useless shit. Random rubbish on the street, plants, broken down and abandoned cars in the junkyard... it was stuff like that. I'll admit, there were times when he lit buildings on fire, but it was usually abandoned buildings or old ones that just stood there for no reason or were claimed to be haunted or some shit. One time he burned a historical site, but at the time he didn't know it was important. Fucked up, I what, did you think he doused a random house in gasoline and then set it on fire?"

I flushed and shrugged one shoulder, an affirmative.

Sam smiled crookedly, and the action reminded me so painfully of Edward that I had to look away.

"It was nothing like that," he assured me.

I remembered something. "But that guy, Rudy. Didn't he get kicked out of the group because he wouldn't set a store on fire?"

"Yes, but that was Peter's demand, not Edward's. Apparently the shop owner had wronged Peter somehow, and we all knew how Peter was with revenge." Sam rolled his eyes. "Edward had even told Peter that it was going a bit too far, but Peter had told him to shut up and that his only job was to help them get away with it."

"Harsh."

"I know."

"Did they end up burning it down, though? The store?"

Sam nodded, grimly. "Peter did it himself. We told him to chill the fuck out, but he wasn't having any of it. When he wanted something done, he wanted it done. There was no stopping him. So yeah, he did end up burning the shop. It didn't burn to ashes, but there was quite a bit of damage. And I'm guessing you know why Edward thought it was him afterward?"

"He was high, and had flashbacks."

"Yep."

"Okay so stabbing and slicing are off the list. Arson is still up there, but not houses?"

"No, no homes. Mugging and vandalizing are still up there as well, but no one's life was endangered."

I let out a shaky breath. "I think I can live with that." Then I remembered something else. "Wait, Edward said he was into ecstasy. He never mentioned LSD."

Sam nodded knowingly. "It's easy to get them confused. They both have similar short-term side effects, including the hallucinations. It's true that ecstasy was his thing, but the LSD was what caused him to think he did things he really didn't.

"On top of that, Edward doesn't like to think about using LSD because it reminds him of how we used to tell him to quit. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't addicted, but every time he got some from Bliss we'd all tell him to lay off. And that pissed him off.

"He honestly, truly believes that he's stabbed or sliced people. He doesn't like being told otherwise, because he thinks we're trying to trick him into thinking he's a better person or whatever. He just doesn't get it."

I sat there, thinking about everything I had just learned. I was halfway relieved that Edward hadn't really done some of the things he claimed, but there was still the matter of shooting Rudy and practically raping a fourteen year old. Rudy had to have died in order for Peter to bring it up in Fizz, and how would Edward have hallucinated the Anna thing?

I started to feel nauseous. "Um, Sam? What about the whole Rudy thing? It had to have happened in order for Peter to call Edward a murderer..."

Sam shook his head, looking irritated. "Peter is a dick. He knows how sensitive Edward is about that."

I couldn't breathe. "So he actually killed him."

"No, no!" Sam said quickly. "It's not like that. I was there, I know what happened. How much did he tell you?"

"He was trying to wrestle the gun away from some Kevin, and when Rudy mentioned Tanya he... snapped."

Sam groaned softly and shook his head, eyes closed. "Still the same story." He sat up straighter. "Look, Kevin wanted to shoot Rudy over Anna. Even though Rudy was Anna's boyfriend, there was a thing between her and Kevin as well. She saw him as just a friend, but he wasn't having it. Typical love triangle.

"So Kevin had the gun pointed at Rudy while I pinned him down. Edward was trying to wrestle it away, because now both Rudy and I were in danger. But then Rudy brought up Tanya, and Edward lost focus on what he was trying to do- get the gun away from Kevin. Kevin took Edward's distraction as an opportunity to strike, so he pointed the gun at Rudy and pulled the trigger."

"But why does Edward blame himself?" I asked incredulously. "Is it because he lost focus and feels guilty?"

"That… and he felt the trigger go down. Edward's finger was more on the trigger than Kevin's was. Kevin had to press on Edward's finger in order to shoot. Edward felt it, and now he blames himself for being distracted and what makes matters worse is that he knows what it physically feels like to shoot someone."

"What happened after that? Did they get away with it?"

"No. Someone had heard the gunshots and called the cops. What was surprising was that Kevin actually confessed. The cops showed up and he said, 'Yeah, I killed the motherfucker'. It was crazy."

"If Edward thought he was the one that did it, why didn't he say something to the police?"

"It's everyone's natural instinct to save their own asses first. By the time the shock wore off, it was too late. Kevin was in handcuffs."

"Where is he now?"

"Prison."

"Wow."

"Yep."

I could practically hear the puzzle pieces coming together. Click, click, click, one at a time.

But there were still a few pieces missing.

"Edward may have hallucinated some of the stuff, but is the way he felt about them because of the drugs, too? He said he felt no guilt after anything. That's what gets to me."

Sam nodded. "Yeah. Like I said, it messes with your emotions. Edward was usually very calm during our, uh, activities... but it was a result of the drugs, of course. That's why he doesn't remember feeling bad about anything. It was afterward that he got irritable and pissy. I'm sure now he feels like shit for all of it, but back then it was nothing. The acid just... destroys your sense of right and wrong.

"And it's not like LSD made him do nothing at all. The hallucinations made him go mad sometimes, and he used to get so frustrated. That's usually when he'd go find some piece of rubbish to burn or something."

"Where were his parents through all of this?" I asked, slightly incredulous.

Sam shrugged. "Nowhere, really. We were pretty much Edward's family. His mum didn't know what he was up to, and his dad was too plastered to care."

"There's something I don't get... Edward and I had talked about why he was so... cynical when I first met him. He hated life, and he wasn't afraid to admit it. He said that he was the way he was because of Tanya and Peter, how they betrayed him. How is it that the betrayal was what made him so grumpy all the time? All this stuff that he thought he did... why wasn't that the source of his asshole behavior?"

Sam smiled. "You don't miss a thing, do you? Well, obviously Edward told you about Tanya and left it at that because he was afraid of your reaction to the other stuff, and rightfully so. I'll bet you anything that everything he thinks he did made him a dick to you as well. He just never admitted it. I'll bet he pushed the memories of all that stuff away, and let the emotions take control. That's my theory, but you'll have to ask him."

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Please tell me he dreamed the whole thing with Anna."

Sam gave me a rueful look.

Oh no.

That had been the one thing that hit me the hardest, and that was the one thing he didn't hallucinate.

I wanted to cry, but I blinked rapidly and stared at Alice and Jasper as they twirled on the dance floor.

"I can't believe it," I muttered, almost inaudible over the music. "He actually raped her."

"That's a harsh word," Sam said. "Is that what he told you? That he raped her?"

I slowly shook my head. "He didn't have to say it. That's what it sounded like."

"Didn't he mention that she didn't say no?"

"It doesn't matter," I snapped, temper flaring. "He knew. The fact that he knew she didn't want it makes it rape in my eyes."

Sam looked weary again. "Yes, but technically she wanted it."

I shook my head. "That's not how I see it. She was scared, Sam. She wanted to say no, but she was too scared because it was Edward Cullen."

Sam raised a brow. "Do you know Anna?"

"No..."

He nodded to himself. "I think it's about time you met her."

The second the reception was over, the plan was in place.

I noticed that Edward was nowhere to be found as we hugged Emmett and Rosalie goodbye after the reception. Rosalie had looked worried as she glanced around for him, but Emmett had been pulling her towards the car which would be taking them one step closer to their honeymoon destination.

The second their car disappeared into the distance, I was sprinting back up to Alice's hotel room. I rummaged through my suitcase and pulled out a random t-shirt and pair of jeans. I still had my makeup on and my hair done up, but I pulled off the earrings and the high heels.

My stomach was in knots as I headed to the lobby of the hotel, typing Alice a quick text.

Heading out with Sam, be back soon. It's important. -B

Sam was where he said he'd be, waiting for me in the lobby. He hadn't been staying at the hotel, so he was still dressed in his suit.

"Ready?" he asked, and I nodded.

When we got in the cab, I could feel the anxiety turning into nausea. Whenever I was nervous about something, I'd think about it so much that I'd make myself feel physically sick.

"Bella, it'll be fine," Sam assured me as the taxi drove through the crowded London streets.

"I just don't know what to expect," I muttered.

"Anna's changed over the past two years," Sam said. "I know you picture her as some innocent, goody-two-shoes virgin, but she's not."

"It doesn't matter how she is now," I replied quietly. "It's how she was at the time her innocence was taken from her."

Sam sighed. "I guess we'll just have to wait until you meet her."

The sun was just beginning to set, but it wasn't too dark out since it was summer.

I had been enormously relieved to know that half the things Edward told me hadn't really occurred how he thought they did. I was almost starting to forgive him.

Almost.

Because if this whole Anna thing was really what it sounded like, I didn't know what I'd do. That was a total deal breaker.

I needed Edward a whole lot. It was sad that the drugs made him beat himself up over stuff that he didn't do. So far the only things he was guilty for were drug use, a little bit of drug selling, vandalizing, mugging, and burning stuff that no one cared about with the exception of a historical site that he didn't know was historical. It wasn't as hefty a list as the one before I talked with Sam.

The more Edward's name cleared out, the more I wanted him back.

And the more I wanted him back, the more anxious I was about meeting Anna.

She would do one of two things- confirm my fears or debunk them completely.

I couldn't stop fidgeting until the taxi pulled up outside the bookshop where Anna worked. Sam gestured for me to get out, and I climbed out of the cab while he paid the driver.

I stared at the front of the shop, a cute little place with a dark green awning and flower pots in the window. It looked like the kind of place where I would hang out.

"Ready?" Sam asked.

I swallowed and nodded, my stomach churning with anxiety.

"It'll be fine," he assured me again, leading the way to the front door. "It's almost closing time; there won't be many people around anyway."

The inside of the shop was larger than it looked on the outside and there were only a few people lingering around. My eyes immediately wandered around until I found someone fitting the description of a redhead with freckles.

She was the only redhead in the entire store, and the only one that appeared to be working there.

Anna sat behind a counter in the very center of the store, popping her chewing gum and flipping through a magazine. Her straight red hair was pulled up into a ponytail, some locks hanging out to frame her freckled face. She was really very pretty, but she looked more mature than how I had pictured her. Clearly she wasn't fourteen anymore, but I had imagined her too look much younger, childlike.

In reality, Anna looked like the young woman that she was. At sixteen or seventeen, she was all curves.

"Is that her?" I whispered to Sam.

He nodded in response to my question and then nodded again in the direction of Anna. I took a deep breath and followed him.

"Anna," he said her name to get her attention, and she glanced up from her magazine. Her eyes were lined with blue eyeliner, making her already blue eyes intense.

She looked from me to Sam, surprised. "Sam," she said somewhat coldly, and I could tell they weren't friendly with each other. Her voice wasn't the childlike trill I had imagined. It was husky, but still feminine.

"This is Bella," Sam nodded towards me.

"Hi," I said, my voice coming out as a whisper.

She nodded at me in acknowledgment and then looked at Sam again.

"We need to talk to you," he told her matter-of-factly. "It's pretty urgent."

She glanced at me and I looked away, feeling self conscious. "What about?" she asked. "I'm working, case you didn't notice."

Sam sighed and cast a look around. "Look, it's kind of an emergency. This is a life or death situation."

Anna's eyebrows flew up and her thin lips pulled up into a smirk. "Oh, really?"

"Okay, so maybe I'm being just a bit dramatic. But we haven't got much time, so please could we talk to you for just a second?"

She glanced at me curiously and then looked over her shoulder for someone.

"Oi! Steve!" she called to a lanky boy who was stocking shelves. I hadn't even noticed him. "Fill in for me, yeah?"

"Where you off to?" he asked, annoyed.

"It's just for a second," she replied, turning her back on him. She walked out from behind the counter and I saw that she was around my height, but curvier in the places I wished I was.

"This way," she said, and she led the way towards the back of the shop. I followed her with Sam at my heels, and she stopped by a little table that was almost hidden. There were a few books on it, along with a bottle of water, and I got the feeling that this was her escape.

"This looks important," she said, sitting down at a chair.

Sam and I sat down across from her.

"I'm going to cut to the chase," Sam said. "This here is Bella, and she's Edward's girlfriend. Well, was. Maybe she still is, we dunno. I guess it depends on what you tell us."

At the sound of Edward's name, Anna's expression went from attentive to completely impassive.

Her eyes bore into mine and I squirmed.

"The Edward?" she asked, and I nodded at the same time Sam said yes.

Anna let out a long gust of air that I didn't know she had been holding.

She leaned back in her chair. "I heard he was back, and I heard he had a girlfriend. I also heard he's changed. Doesn't surprise me."

"Edward told me everything," I said quietly, and her blue eyes flashed to my face. "Everything he did. He told me about what he did to you and that upset me. I get it if it's not something you want to talk about..." I lowered my gaze, flushing.

I was surprised when Anna chuckled, but there was no humor behind it.

"I've talked about it too many times to be bothered by it anymore," she told me, completely nonchalant. "That's what therapy is for, innit? Tell me, what do you want to know?"

I hesitated, looking at Sam. He smiled and nodded in encouragement.

"Um, your side of the story, I guess," I mumbled.

Anna smiled sadly. "What did he tell you?"

"That you had a crush on him. That you were a virgin and he took that from you as revenge..." I trailed off, starting to feel sick again.

Anna sighed. "That's all pretty much true. Yeah, I fancied him. He was quite fit, that Edward. Normally I wasn't into any of my brother's friends, seeing as they were all pretty much stoned wankers. But Edward was different..."

"I used to watch him. I know that sounds creepy and stalkerish, but it's true. We went to the same school so I always saw him around. I used to linger around him, hoping he'd notice me. He never did, not until that day..."

She trailed off, eyes glazed over. "I used to look up to the wrong crowd back then. It was quite sad, really. If you were popular you were a slag; that was the law. I wanted to be like the older girls, like Tanya and her lot. I didn't think like them or do what they did, but I liked the idea of it. The idea of getting all the attention, of getting all the hot, bad boys.

"So being the stalkerish schoolgirl that I was, I noticed things about Edward that no one else did. He may have been all rough and tumble, but I was the only one that saw his soft side. I saw him be all lovey dovey with that girlfriend of his, and I wanted that for myself. I noticed when a geeky kid dropped his book and Edward picked it up for him. I noticed when he dropped a quid or two into a homeless man's cup. All these little things made me crush on him even harder, because I knew he wasn't as psychotic as his mates. Yeah he was a bit barmy, but his crazy behavior wasn't as... cruel as some of the others.

"It was a typical crush. I used to write 'Edward & Anna' all over my school books. Every time he came to our house I'd pass by my brother's room just to get a glimpse of that hair. When he was in the same room as me, which wasn't very often, I'd sit up a bit straighter, flutter my eyelashes a bit. I would have done anything to get his attention.

"The day he came over to my house, everything changed. Obviously. Somehow he ended up in my room and before I knew it we were kissing.

"I was nervous, yeah, but I kept reminding myself what this meant. If word got around, I'd be popular. If I slept with Edward Cullen, I'd be talked about.

"I'd be somebody."

She stopped, eyes still glazed over, and gazed into the distance. I was listening intently, literally on the edge of my seat.

"I remember being so nervous. Almost terrified. But I kept reminding myself that this was it, this would finally make me someone.

"I completely forgot that I actually had a boyfriend at that point, Rudy. Honestly, I didn't really like him. I knew he liked me, and that was enough because I just wanted someone who would make me feel special. Rudy did that, even though the feelings weren't exactly mutual. He was a bad boy, not as bad as Peter's group, but bad enough.

"Edward was great, at first. He was nice, and her flirted with me. Even better, he knew stuff about books. How many gang members know the themes of The Giver? I thought I had fallen in love.

"When he kissed me, my whole body lit on fire even though I was still pretty scared. I was scared someone would walk in, and I was scared Edward would change his mind and leave. I didn't know how far we would go, but I had been willing to take it all the way.

"I was stupid, I was young, I was naive, and I wanted him."

She stopped, chewing on her lip. I wasn't expecting her to say these things. I thought she'd be torn up over it, broken, hurt, or traumatized.

"It hurt like I bitch," she said simply, like she was talking about something she had bought at the store. "I was expecting it, but then again I wasn't. He had asked me if I was ready, and I nodded. I gave him my consent. I told him it was okay, even though I knew I wasn't ready. All I cared about was what would happen later. I was a dreamer, a big one, and I dreamed that he'd leave his girlfriend for me after this. We'd be a couple, maybe get married one day. All of that drove me to say yes.

"I remember how he actually asked me if I was ready. Right then and there I knew that if I said no, he'd leave.

"Him asking me if I was ready meant everything. It made me a little less scared, because he was giving me a choice. He wasn't just going to slam into me before I had a chance to brace myself. So when he asked me if I was ready, I only hesitated a little because I was marveling at how he was actually showing me his softer side, as subtle as it was."

Anna sighed. "He was rough, and I told myself not to cry. I told myself to suck it up and deal with it, because this was going to change my life." She chuckled humorlessly. "Oh, it definitely changed my life, even if it wasn't how I imagined it.

"After he was done with me, I was in so much pain. I kept telling myself, 'Stop crying, it's worth it, it's worth it'. And then Edward said, 'See you around' and I knew I had been used.

"Oh, how I hated him after that. I didn't fancy him anymore, I couldn't. I was quite a mess. My brother came home to find me crying, and I didn't want to tell him but I ended up just blurting it out. He kept saying it was rape, and I kept telling him it wasn't. I kept telling him it was my fault that I let him do it, that I wanted him to do it."

Anna blinked and looked at me. "I didn't see much of Edward after that."

I sat there, absorbing everything.

This was so not how I imagined this conversation.

"You... you don't hate him?" I asked awkwardly. "For taking your virginity?"

"Why should I? I'm the one that said yes. He was a horny boy and I was a girl starving for affection." She leaned forward. "Look, I know you think that I was some fragile little child that was preyed on. That's not the case. Yes, I was practically a child, but so was Edward. He was immature, they all were. All I cared about was being popular. I have no one to blame but myself. The only thing he's guilty for is being an asshole and running with the wrong crowd. At least he gave me a chance to change my mind."

I was aware that my mouth was hanging open.

"Um, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" she asked.

I nodded hesitantly.

"Are you a virgin?" she asked, cocking her head to one side.

I bit my lip and nodded again.

"So Edward hasn't had sex with you yet?"

I flushed, especially since Sam was sitting right there.

"No, he hasn't," I muttered.

"You don't look like a virgin," she commented. "Take that as a compliment. You're a bombshell."

I flushed even harder. "Thanks. It's the makeup. I just came from a wedding."

She raised her brows. "Yeah? That's a very nice shade of eye shadow."

"Really? I didn't think it was even noticeable, it's so light."

"Oh, it's noticeable. Brings out the gold specks in your eyes."

"I didn't know I had golden-

"So, we have your word that you aren't traumatized?" Sam cut into our girly chat and I blushed.

Anna sighed. "Yes. I needed just a little bit of counseling, for my self esteem issues, but it was no big deal. What is this about, really?" She looked to me, expectantly.

"I kind of broke up with him," I admitted. "After he told me what he did to you."

"Why'd he tell you anyway? What an idiot."

"Well, I knew he had done some things, but he'd never tell me what. Peter called him a murderer in front of me, and he decided to confess everything."

When I mentioned the murder, Anna looked away.

"It upset you that much?" she asked, staring at a bookshelf. "What he did to me?"

I nodded, taking a deep breath. "I was in an abusive relationship." Anna's eyes flashed to mine. "He- my ex- tried to rape me. Edward saved me. When he told me about you, I immediately compared him to my ex."

Realization dawned on Anna's face. "Oh. So you came here, wanting to hear my side of the story because...?"

"I found out that Edward hasn't done some of the stuff he thought he did. The only thing that was left nagging me was your story. If you were traumatized by what he did, there was no way I'd be able to take him back."

"Do you want him back?"

"Yes," I answered immediately. "I just wanted to be true to myself."

Anna sat back in her chair. "Well there you go."

"But..."

"But what?"

"Weren't you... you know, scarred at all after it?"

"I felt like shit, and I felt stupid, but I was not traumatized for life. It did, however, make me stronger. I no longer look up to the sluts. I don't let guys walk all over me anymore.

"Bella... That's your name right? I consider myself just another girl that regrets her first time. Most people do, and I am no exception. If Edward is as changed as I'm hearing, then you're a lucky girl. I don't doubt he's different, because I've seen the difference in him. You got the best of him. Good for you.

"But you should know that I'm not holding it against him, so you shouldn't either. It was a stupid mistake on my part, and a stupid decision on his. Trust me when I say I wasn't an innocent little girl that didn't know what she was doing. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway.

"It was just a really bad day, and I've put it behind me."

"So you forgive him?" I asked in slight disbelief.

Anna shrugged. "Nothing to forgive. I was stupid, and he was a dick. Simple."

"Oh..."

"But you know what I say?"

"What?

"I'd bet anything that when he saved you from your asshole ex, it was his way of trying to repent for what he did to me."

I thought about that. "He never mentioned that."

She shrugged. "Ask him. He'd probably tell you the same."

Sam nudged me. "See? Told you that you needed to meet her. Anna's a tough one."

I nodded slowly, feeling the relief course through me.

I could take him back. I would take him back. I needed him back.

Anna's point of view had changed everything drastically.

Edward was so quick to think of himself as a monster. Yes, he had done some pretty horrible stuff, but he was both delusional and much too hard on himself.

I didn't feel guilty about leaving him. I felt like I did the right thing. I hadn't known that he had been so stoned that he hallucinated, or that Anna wasn't an innocent child traumatized forever. It wasn't my fault.

Edward needed help. It wasn't healthy for him to think of himself the way he did. I had only made things worse by breaking up with him, not that I regretted what I did.

"Thank you, Anna," I said. "You've been a huge help."

She smiled. "Happy to be of assistance. I dunno your relationship with Edward, but from what I'm hearing it's pretty solid."

"It was," I muttered. "I need to fix things. Fast. I'm so scared he'll do something stupid."

"Well then, you better go hunt him down," she smiled kindly.

I smiled back and stood up, feeling so much lighter than when I had sat down.

We bade goodbye and left the shop, and I waited as Sam hailed a cab.

"Um, Sam?" I asked before he could get in.

He turned to me. "'Sup?"

I blushed. "Can I hug you?"

He grinned and laughed. "Sure, if you like."

I sighed and wrapped my arms around him, putting my chin on his shoulder for a moment. I squeezed him once tightly, before pulling away.

"I owe you so much," I said. "If it weren't for you... I don't know. Things would have been much worse."

"Bollocks," he said kindly. "You don't owe me anything. You two were in trouble, and you needed to know the truth. I felt like, as the one that actually knows the truth and as one of Edward's best mates; it was my responsibility to set things straight."

"Thank you," I said sincerely. "You're awesome."

He winked and nodded towards the taxi, where the driver was getting impatient. "You're pretty awesome, too."

As we headed towards the hotel, I stared out at London at night. It was absolutely gorgeous, the lights illuminating all of the ancient buildings.

I chewed on my lip anxiously, thinking about what I was going to say to Edward. It was clear at that point that he was hurting, both from what he had done and from my leaving him.

I was immensely relieved that two of the things he claimed he'd done- rape and murder- weren't what he thought they were. He had never stabbed or sliced anyone, and that was a relief as well.

As for the other stuff- the mugging, the burning things, the vandalizing, and the drugs- I wasn't entirely surprised. If Edward hadn't done anything to that magnitude, I'd be worried about his personality being the way it was over something like a cheating ex. It was just another part of Edward's past, and I decided to accept it and move on.

Honestly, the rape and murder would have been something I could NOT live with. The other things were by no means okay, and as disturbing as they were, they were a part of him and his life on the streets.

All of that had just been a result of wanting to fit in somewhere. Sam had mentioned that the gang was Edward's family, and now that I thought about it I could understand him doing those things to feel the love and unity that would come from his group of friends. He was a boy starving for some affection, and it was unfortunate where he got it from.

But Edward had changed greatly, and I had to realize that.

I still loved him, possibly more than before.

Poor, poor delusional Edward.

I had to fix things, before it was too late.

A/N: Are we breathing sighs of relief now? :)

Thank you to Pinkaquaclouds and JoeyJam for being my stand-in beta and beta-ing this wordy bitch.