Chapter 36: Inuyasha's Decision & Kikyou's Non-committal

After removing her clothes, Kagome slipped into the bubbling, steamy water and gave a content sigh. Kikyou and Sango had both got in as well, Sango with the same contentedness. Kikyou gave little notice that this was any different from walking around in her priestess clothes... Sadly, Kagome wondered if she could even feel the difference. They washed quietly, speaking little for the longest time, but after they had finished washing and just continued to relax, the chatter picked up more.

"So... You and Sesshoumaru..." Sango said questioningly to Kagome.

"Yes." She replied easily.

"Makes me wonder exactly why you came home in tattered clothes before you went to help that little girl." Sango said, smirking lightly.

Kagome blushed slightly. "Of course we weren't doing anything like that then! It was after I left."

Sango chuckled, "So that was before you even found out you were a demon."

Kagome blushed a little more. "Well... Yes and no. We didn't do... that until after I found out."

"So there's more!" Sango squeaked with excitement.

Kikyou watched the two with a slight smile. She felt sort of like a third wheel in this conversation.

"Of course," Kagome smirked, "but you won't get details on any of it. It doesn't matter, though. I'm sure Miroku can show you some things."

"WHAT?" Sango screeched. "Kagome-chan! Don't say that so loud!"

Kagome and Kikyou chuckled lightly and began to climb out of the hot springs and head back into the village. Sango then went to polish her weapon, while Kikyou went back to doing gathering herbs. Kagome was just wondering quietly through the village when Inuyasha decided to show up.

"Kagome, can I talk to you?"

Kagome sighed. "You already are, Inuyasha."

"Yeah, well, I meant somewhere besides in a hoard of people."

"Very well."

They went and sat inside Kaede's hut. There was silence between them for a long while until finally Kagome got impatient. "We're here, Inuyasha. What is it?"

Inuyasha mumbled something in a gruff voice, and even though she could make out what he said, she decided to ask, anyway. "Excuse me, but what was that, Inuyasha?"

"I said I'm fucking sorry! Okay? I didn't mean to call you a whore..." His ears flattened against the top of his skull as he looked at her with a sad expression. "I know that you wouldn't do that."

Kagome stared at him for a long while before she replied. "Apology accepted, I guess."

"Can I ask you something, though, Kagome?" Inuyasha peeked at her.

"You just did, but go ahead."

"Why Sesshoumaru? I thought you promised to always be by my side?"

Kagome's eyes narrowed slightly. "And I thought you promised to always protect me, Inuyasha. It's bold of you to call me a promise breaker, when you broke promises first. However, you fail to see that I am here. Being by your side does not always mean in body, Inuyasha, but in strength, spirit. Surely you can't expect me to follow you like a lovesick puppy even though when a 'better' puppy came along, you left me on the side of the road."

Inuyasha stared at the floor. He knew she spoke the truth, but he didn't like it. That bastard brother of his had her... Sesshoumaru had been her first and would be her only. Kagome was too good for him... His brother didn't deserve her kindness. "You're right... but why Sesshoumaru?"

"Because, Inuyasha, I love him and I know he loves me. I do not need to prove his honesty to you-- I know it's intent in my heart. I ask you this, Inuyasha-- Why not Sesshoumaru?"

"He tried to kill you! He kills humans for the sake of it, and he shows no mercy!"

"He did try to kill me, but you forget, so did you. And unlike you, I did not have to put a charmed necklace around his neck to control him; but you're wrong Inuyasha. Have you ever once seen him kill a human without reason? True, he does not like them, but have you ever been particularly fond of them? Kami only knows how many of them we've seen you beat up. And how can you say he has no mercy? Mercy gave him Rin... Mercy is why you and I are still here."

"He never showed me any mercy! He's been attacking me and trying to take Tessaiga since I got it!"

"You honestly have no idea of how strong your brother is. If he truly wanted your blade, he would have it, and you would be no match to stop him, Inuyasha. His battles with you are child's play. He has several decades of fighting experience more than you, so you should not feel ashamed, but denying truth only breeds ignorance. Do not sulk and pick--train and grow stronger--that's your only option, Inuyasha. Anyway, I must go. I'll see you later." Kagome stood quietly and left the dark, dusty hut behind in favor of the fresh, roomy expanse of nature.

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Inuyasha sat by himself in silence for a while just pondering over her words... If there was anyone to blame it was himself. It was he that had left her for Kikyou, he that had broke her heart, and he that had driven her away. In all honesty, Sesshoumaru was the one who had helped her and gave her confidence. Everything that he had done wrong, Sesshoumaru had done right. It made him feel slightly bitter knowing he was indefinitely Sesshoumaru's inferior... He was the hanyou, the brash-minded sword-slinger, and the women wooing retard; whereas Sesshoumaru was the full-blooded youkai, the calm, calculating perfectionist, and the women wooing genius.

It was painfully clear that Kagome would never have been his, nor did he think she would submit to being called anyone's. He recalled Koga's frequent claims of Kagome being his woman and how she'd always yell at him and say she wasn't and never would be his woman... Was he truly as bad as Koga when it came to possessiveness? There was no dispute now, however. Even the wolf couldn't argue this. Kagome and Sesshoumaru belonged to each other and no one else. The thought made him sick, but he knew there was no changing it. He also knew that any possible thing that might have been between him and Kagome other than friendship was gone as soon as the witch had brought Kikyou from the grave.

Which brought him to his current train of thought... Were did his love truly lie? With the priestess of old, or the priestess of new for which his love would go unrequited? Who would he give his life for? He knew he would fight for either one of them until he could no longer move, so that wasn't the question that needed answering. Who made him happy? They both had. Who did he want to spend his life with? Who did he want to love him back? Who would he put above the other?

He wanted them both, he knew, but he also knew it could never be. Neither one would submit to the idea, nor would Kagome be with him even if he didn't have Kikyou. But could he ever go for Kagome and simply leave Kikyou behind? He knew he couldn't. He had yet to do it, and had even saved Kikyou instead of protecting Kagome. He was happy with Kikyou once, and he knew he could be if only they could be together... But would Kikyou even want to try anymore? When he had first got there, Kagome had called him an idiot, and Kikyou had more or less agreed with her. He was almost afraid to confront her, but he had to sooner or later... it might as well be sooner, because he very well may not have a chance later. He sighed and grudgingly set out to find her. He did not need his inu-youkai nose to know where she had gone. Even when this had been her home she spent most of it going about her duty and enjoying nature in general. On silent feet he sought the priestess who had a hold on him even now. He was not surprised to find her gathering herbs. He cleared his thought slightly, so she would notice his presence.

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Kikyou was crouching on the ground, one bended knee pressing softly into the grass. It seemed that she spent as much time as she could out of the village. She felt obtrusive, like she did not belong, and in a way, she did not. It had always been her purpose there to be the village miko and the protector of the Shikon no Tama. Kaede was the miko now. Her younger sister had been left to bear the burden of a job that was never supposed to be hers. And as for protecting the Shikon... she had no doubt protected it, but she had still failed in her job. The jewel was safe, but it's protector had been forfeit and set upon another. It seemed that everything that was once home here was no longer hers... Even the small hope that she still had a place in Inuyasha's heart was extinguished. He had not come running and demanding answers or anything of the like since he had returned... He had not even spoke a word to her. His first stop was to fight with his half-brother, and his second to listen grudgingly to Kagome's account. It was in the musings that she became aware of someone not far behind her when he cleared his throat. She stood, and turned around. There was only quiet for a long stretch of time. Kikyou didn't know what to say, nor did Inuyasha it seemed. She cleared her own throat after a moment and spoke.

"Inuyasha." It wasn't much, but she was almost surprised he had finally sought her out... He had still yet to speak to her yet.

"Kikyou..." Inuyasha spoke much quieter than he had meant to, but it didn't matter. He almost decided to turn and leave, but it was too late, now. He spoke in a firmer voice. "You know I did not betray you, Kikyou... It was Naraku that deceived us... Are you still pitted against me? You once wished me to be human so we could live together... Would you still allow me that chance, or would you turn me away for something you know I didn't do?"

Kikyou blinked slightly. She had never known Inuyasha to speak with such logic or emotion. It made her sad that she would have to give him an answer he would not be content with. "I do not harbor a grudge against you, Inuyasha. Would I be here if I did? I cannot promise anything--you know this. Life is unpredictable."

Inuyasha remained silent for a moment. "Do you still love me, Kikyou?"

"Do you still love me, Inuyasha?" There was no accusation or malice in her voice... only sadness. Her tone made him wonder.

"Would you allow me that chance once more, even though I cannot become human for you?"

Kikyou stared at him for a while, before looking away. "There are many things I could and would like to say, but there's things I can't and will not say. I could say you have your chance and let you steal me away, and I would like that. I would. But I can't say that because it is a promise I don't know if I can keep, and therefore I cannot grant your request Inuyasha. Only time can tell what we are allowed."

Inuyasha nodded solemnly. "I understand. But we have time now... You don't have to speak a promise; only let me try." Here his love was not unrequited, but she could not return it without him knowing it may never be forever, and most likely wouldn't. He held out his hand for her to take. "How about we go back to the village?"

Kikyou stared at his hand for a moment wondering how her foul-mouthed hanyou had learned to be so convincing... Perhaps he had began to grow up? After a moment's hesitation, she slowly placed her hand in his, and let him lace their fingers together.

A/N: Okay, Inuyasha was a bit OOC towards the end, but any kind of articulation from him is hard for me to picture. Not exactly the ending I was going for when I began, but oh well. Inuyasha shall fear my wrath. -Evil cackle. - He actually states in the anime that he wants both, the jerk!