Hello,

Thanks for all the reviews, alerts and favorites to this story...we're on the home stretch now...I think this chapter turned out better with the revision that I thought it would. Some of it might jump a little, but I tried to make it all flow. I realized when I was writing the last chapter (37) that Alistair not mad about being king...he's accepting of the fact he's just mad that Shirl might have known from the beginning that they couldn't be together. He feels played. I guess would be the best way to put it, yet he still cares for her. Which just eats away at him because he really doesn't know if she feels the same way or not. Anyway, hopefully you all enjoy this chapter and I will try to update much sooner. I have started chapter 39 so maybe I will have it up by the beginning of next week. Thanks again!

Prismelf

Chapter 38: Camp (After the Landsmeet)

Shirl poked at the fire with the only dry piece of wood she could find. Sparks rose up from the hot coals and danced on the water laden air. It was not raining, but a fine soaking mist was falling. The wood that Sten had collected when they had first set up camp was now wet. Shirl had dug through the pile until she found a dry piece. She prodded the flames again and watched enchanted as the sparks once again flew into the air only to wink out of exist as soon as they collided with a water droplet.

"How long are you two not going to talk to each other?" Wynne asked from across the fire. The elderly woman sat crushing dry herbs in a mortar and pestle. The pungent smell of rosemary and milk thistle surrounded the fire. Shirl wrinkled her nose. The smell was not very pleasing. It reminded her of the salves that Wynne had placed on their wounds after battles to help keep infection away.

Shirl shrugged and gave the fire another poke. "When he stops acting like an idiot." Shirl replied.

"Don't you think he might need a friend, right now? I know you two are on the outs with your relationship, but he still loves you." Wynne stated catching Shirl's eye, smiling. "And maybe you should apologize to him as well."

Shirl's eyes narrowed. "What for?" she said tersely.

"For making him king, against his will." The elderly woman never looked away from her as she spoke.

Shirl snorted and stood up. "Look the idiot made himself king. All I did was prove that Lohgain was a traitor."

"Yes, but you still drove him to become king. If anything you pushed him to do so more than anyone else. And besides the two of you not talking to one another is making the rest of us tense and uneasy." Wynne stated twisting the pestle letting loose another potent burst of herbal smells.

"I'll go talk to him, if it will get you off my back about it. But you can forget the apology. I did nothing wrong. He might not like being king, but it was the fastest way to get what we needed." She stepped away from the fire and its warmth.

Wynne called after her as she stalked away, but Shirl ignored her and continued over to Alistair's tent. Without even bothering to announce herself she flung the flap aside and strolled in not caring what state she might find him, she had seen everything he had to offer anyway. While the memories were impressive and her cheeks flushed hot at the thoughts, they did nothing to sooth away her slow boiling anger.

Alistair sat up hastily from his makeshift bed. "Shirl, what the…"

Shirl waved a hand in the air. "We need to talk." She stated crossing her arms over her chest she let the tent flap fall into place behind her. The interior of his tent darkened and cast an even darker shadow over Alistair's features.

Alistair flung himself back onto his blankets. "What about?" He asked placing his hands behind his head and staring up at the ceiling. "You know I'm beginning to hate those words." He mumbled.

"You know about you being king…and other things." Shirl replied placing a hand up to her lips.

Alistair made a sweeping gesture. "So you want to talk about all of this now." When Shirl remained silent he continued. "You want to know why I killed Lohgain? You want to know what made me step up to fight him." She could hear Alistair shift more than see him. "I didn't want to be king, Shirl. I still don't think I can do it. But I'm going to try."

"You don't want to be king because you think you wouldn't be any good at…you don't want to be responsible for all of Ferelden. Yet you just took matters into your own hands back there! Jeez, you're idiot, Alistair!" Shirl snapped and the fury in her voice brought Alistair to his feet. He moved so quickly, all she had done was blink and he was standing before her jabbing a finger into her face.

"Don't even call me that! You know better than anyone, I'm not. I know you would not have let me kill Lohgain. When I asked you to let me even. That's all I wanted. So I took it upon himself to do what you wouldn't let me do. You always do that! You always shoulder everything, without a second thought. Can't you understand that you don't need too. Don't you get it? You don't have to do everything alone. I'm here for you if you would let me be." His voice was sharper than she had ever heard it get. And his words cut deeper than she would have imagined. " What are you afraid of?" He asked suddenly. "Are you afraid of the Archdemon? Afraid of losing everyone you care about again? What is that makes you think you can take on the world alone or that you have to? Maker, I don't know what I see in you." Alistair's voice was still sharp and full of hurt and anger. Shirl flinched at the tone, but did not back down.

"Ohh…that's right I'm afraid and you should be too. We are marching off to the Archdemon and you are in here acting like a spoiled child. Hate to tell you this but you might not live the week out to become king. Damn straight I'm scared, Alistair. But I'm not running away hiding in my tent moping about a future that might never happen!" She was shouting by the end of her triad but she did not care. She pushed his finger out of her face and spun around not willing to look at him.

She sighed running a hand through her hair. Dammit it all he is so infuriating. Yet, how come he can see right through me? I am frightened. I've see the Archdemon. I know what it can do. I don't know if I can face it and survive. She thought shuddering the end of their journey was so close, she felt the world on her shoulders even more in these moments than she had before. "I don't know what you see in me." She breathed through gritted teeth. "But you must have seen something because you asked me to marry you." A warning flashed in her head as she said the words. "That's what this is really about isn't it." She turned back toward him. He flinched as she poked a finger back in his face. "It's because I told you 'no'. I told you we would probably be nothing more than friends and you're angry with me for it." He had been willing to accept the crown as long as they were together, but the second they were not he refused it. The idea dawned on Shirl because it was her that made him feel like he could be king and now that she was not there with him…he felt he couldn't?

Alistair sighed and looked away from her. "I care about you, Shirl. I can't stop caring about you. I've tried, okay, but I can't. When we were together I felt like I could do anything. You had to have known that. You also had to have known that we could never be more but yet you stayed with me until I hoped for more. Why?" His voice was so full of desperation.

Suddenly all the anger left her. She felt tired and drained she dropped her hand and waited for Alistair to continue. Instead he just stood there looking at her through dark eyes.

"I...I'm sorry, Alistair...I really am...I had no attentions of leading you on... I want more for us, but...I loved you." Shirl whispered not able to complete a full thought. Anything she said might only hurt him more and she was tired of hurting him even if it was for the good of Ferelden, she just could not. And then she started to laugh everything the last few months was finally catching up to her and she thought she might lose it. Tears burned in her eyes. A part of her wanted to let her sanity fall away. Life would be so much simpler. But then she thought about the world and the people who needed her. And one of them was standing right in front of her. She wanted to take him in her arms and say everything would be alright, but that could lead to just complicating things. She regained her composure and dashed a hand over her eyes. "You will make a fine king. You just need to learn something about politics…" she trailed off seeing the look of anger and fear in Alistair's eyes. What else does he want me to say?

Silence descended over them like a cold winter wind. Neither really knew what to say to the other. Shirl bit her lower lip. Well, this is awkward. Why the Fade did I even come in here? He doesn't want to talk to me. He just wants to blame me. She started away not liking the silence or confusion. She was not one for running away from her problems, but at this particular moment it seemed like the best strategy.

Alistair's hand on her arm stopped her. "Wait." He said softly. "I have to know…" His grip tightened on her arm. "I need to know if you still care for me…did you ever really truly care for me." He asked.

Shirl's eyes widened. She turned her head slightly to catch the expression on his face to see if he was being completely serious. His look said it all. "Alistair, don't be stupid of course I still care for you…it's just…" she sighed and pulled away from him. "We're both Grey Wardens. Both of us can't rule Ferelden. It would make the Grey Wardens look like we were pushing for a power play."

"Maybe that is what Ferelden needs, Shirl. Besides I'm king I can marry however I want…well, that would be you." Alistair said bringing up a hand to gently cup her chin. He stepped closer to her turning her face ever so slightly toward him. She could felt his breath hot on her cheek.

"Alistair, stop this." She said without much conviction. His lips brushed her cheek sending a small shiver of pleasure through her. Wrapping an arm around her waist he pulled her up against him. She could felt the heat of his body against her back. The sensation made her shudder with longing. She longed to feel him, to run her hands over his muscular chest and back. More than anything though she wanted to curl up with him and sleep for eternity.

"I told you once before you make me crazy. I can't think straight whenever you're around." His lips traveled down her neck.

"All the more reason to not continue this," Shirl whispered as her hand curled around his wrist. She pried his arm away from her. Taking a step forward made his fingers glide along her jaw and neckline. His touch sent goose-bumps prickling down her arms. Turning she found Alistair's eyes. His hands were frozen in front of him he stared down at her with such intensity in his light brown eyes. Shirl reached out and grasp one his hands. Bringing his fingers to her lips she kissed his fingertips. His fingers curled around her hand and his other free hand came up to brush a stray lock of hair behind an ear. His hand lingered on her cheek and Shirl could feel the warmth radiating from it. She closed her eyes and let the warmth seep through her skin.

Suddenly tears leaked out from under her eye lids. She had not been prepared for this, her chest ached and she wanted nothing more than to feel his touch. She wanted to be folded into his arms and kept warm and safe. She was conflicted between what she wanted and what was needed. The silent war raged within threatening to tear her apart. Wynne had tried to warn her in the beginning that this was going to happen…but she had ignored that warning and now she was suffering with the consequences of her actions. So the tears ran down her cheeks unbidden and unwelcome, casualties to the silent war raging within.

"Shirl," Alistair said softly pulling her to him. He buried his face in hair kissing her throat. "Don't please." He whispered in her ear. Bringing up his head, he raised a hand to her face and brushed away the tears. "I want you to be happy, Shirl. That is all." He sighed and gently guided her head to his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Shirl shook her head. "Don't be. It's my fault I'm unhappy, Alistair, not you. Don't blame yourself." She wrapped her arms around his waist and nuzzled his neck. "You are the one thing in my life that has felt right in a long time."

"Then why push me away?" He asked his voice sounding puzzled.

Shirl lifted her head and opened her eyes. She bit her lower lip again and cast her eyes downward. "As I said we are Grey Wardens, Alistair. As such our duty isn't just to Ferelden, it's to the world. Stopping the Blight comes first." She paused considering her next words carefully. "I pushed you to become king because we needed the majority of Ferelden to stand united with us. Only you can truly do that. Anora had power, but she did not really see what we are up against. I thought about you marrying her to unify Ferelden, but realized that she couldn't be trusted. And well…I couldn't force you to do something that you didn't want…in that sense. If I was forcing you to be king then you should at least have a say in who you marry." She tried to smile but failed as she felt her cheeks grow hot with embarrassment. I'm saying way more than I should be telling him. She thought briefly, but she pushed the thought away. She could trust Alistair.

"I'm glad you at least thought of me in some sense." Alistair mumbled. Shirl stepped back reluctantly letting Alistair's hands slide down her arms.

Sighing Shirl stepped out of his arms completely. "Do you understand? I'm doing these things because our duty as Wardens comes first. I do love you, but…" her voice faltered and she looked up meeting Alistair's eyes. The look on his face was one of sympathy and regret, but he nodded understanding dawning in his eyes.

"I understand." He breathed turning his back on her dismissing her. Shirl started toward the entrance way. Before she exited the tent, she glanced back over her shoulder watching as Alistair stretched out on his bed.

If we survive this, maybe, just maybe. She let the thought die, shaking her head. Instead she tried turning her thoughts towards the darkspawn horde and the Archdemon. We have to win this fight, I can't let my fear or anger or any thing get in the way. She suppressed a shudder, squaring her shoulders she walked toward her tent with a determined stride. No one would have noticed the shaking in her knees or her hands clenched in white knuckled fists. No, no one would see how afraid she was no one would see her trembling. She would wait until she was alone back in the safe of her tent to let her fears take hold. She would make certain of it. She would also make certain that no one knew how much she was giving up for the good of Ferelden.