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"Something that has always puzzled me all my life is why, when I am in special need of help, the good deed is usually done by someone on whom I have no claim."
-William Feather
Chapter 35: The Truth About Enemies and Prophecies
April was revving its ugly head quickly as February and March past by in the blink of an eye, and most of the seventh years were busy preparing for the NEWTs. Although there was still some time before the big event, the importance of these tests even had some of the Marauders spending time in the library, well at least three of them, since Sirius still proclaimed that no such thing existed.
"But Padfoot, you have been in the library before," Remus said, as he and Peter left for the library to study potions.
"I don't know what you are talking about Moony," Sirius said loudly, waking away from him and putting his hands on his ears.
Remus simply rolled his eyes at his friend, "Come on Wormtail, we have some studying to do because," he said turning to Sirius and talking a little louder, "some of us want to get into auror training."
Sirius waited until his friends left before he removed his hands from his ears. He knew he should start studying for the tests, but Sirius had too much on his mind to concentrate; not even pranks could get his thoughts out of his mind. Sirius knew he was a little unstable; he had been ever since he started rebelling from his parents, but usually the voices in his head were easy to drown out with crazy antics and pranks yet for some reason, the past few days had been too much for him to handle. Over the years of his life he had learned to deal with pain and rejection. When he defied his parents, he was put in a hole in the wall and given little food. At first it drove him crazy, the long days spent in solitary confinement, but over time he learned to put himself in a different state. At first it was hard to transfer from normal Sirius to emotionally dead and crazy Sirius, but now he had mastered the act. While in his callous personality, he could take any pain, it was how he was able to deal with The Potter's death and other life changing events. Yet this was not working in his current state, and he could not understand why.
Although Sirius had been in a few fights this semester with his best friends, and in those fights he had always made peace with them, he was finding it harder to keep those agreements. He knew he could not be angry at James anymore for dating Lily, but he was still jealous. After the Potters' had died, James was his only family, and now he was loosing him to a girl. He knew it would happen eventually; it was only a matter of time before James grew up and found a serious girlfriend. Lily was perfect for James, hell he would not be surprised if the two of them got married, but just because his friend was able to get down to business with his life did not mean Sirius was ready for the transition. He knew he should grow up, but he was not ready for that step. Sure, he wanted real love from someone of the opposite sex, but Sirius was not sure what real love was. He knew how to love as friends, but love of as if they were part of your family. Although James was his family, it was more of a brotherly love then family ties.
Sirius shook his head, he could not explain to himself how to distinguish the two forms of love, but he knew there was a difference.
"God Dammit," Sirius said, throwing on hand against his wall. He hated feeling like this, he needed a walk.
Sirius's mind stayed blank as he walked aimlessly around Hogwarts; in fact, had it not been for the faint scream of a girl from one of the corners of the school he might have wandered himself into trouble. Sirius did not know the voice he heard in the hallway, but as he looked around to see if anyone else had noticed, he found that although there were only a few people close to him, none of them seemed to hear the noise. It seemed Sirius's quiet manner had brought out his dog like senses. Without another thought, Sirius walked briskly to the sound of the voice; he wanted to get their quickly and yet not draw attention to it.
"Damn statues," Lily cursed to herself as she picked up some pieces of a broken fairy statue.
Lily had always been clumsy, but this was the first time she had fallen down the ladder leading from the divination classroom. Lily had taken a year of divination and realized that it was simply not the subject for her. After much convincing to Dumbledore, she switched out of the class. Lily was not the type of girl to give up on anything, especially when it came to academics, but this class was simply impossible. As a muggleborn, Lily was fascinated with the idea of being able to foretell the future, but after the first few classes, she learned that very few people had the inner eye. Lily tried time after time again to enhance her knowledge of divination, but no matter how hard she studied, she never got any better. It may have taken awhile, and the right answer to her problem was not the one she wanted to find, but Lily eventually learned that divination was the one subject that if a person was not predisposed to do well in, they would not succeed. Books did not hold the answer in this area of study, and it saddened Lily to realize this.
It was this fact, the knowledge that she had not climbed down the divination steps in a few years, which made it okay in Lily's mind that she fell down them and onto a statue. This statue did not seem to hold any magical abilities for it did not attempt to catch Lily or move out of the way as she fell. Lily was also beginning to think that her fall and slight scream had gone unnoticed when a man glided down the ladder next to Lily; it was the divination teacher Professor Levinthal.
The man walked past Lily for a few seconds and then turned to her and spoke, even though to Lily it seemed like Levinthal was speaking through her rather than to her, "The night will come when you will have to make a choice, between blood and ties. Beware the one who speaks the righteous words, for he speaks the words of fate. Defy fate, defy prophesy, defy death."
After Levinthal's bizarre statement, he traveled to a nearby doorway to find a slightly panting Sirius and spoke again, "Trust thyself and no one else but those with fur and teeth. Rat the one out who speaks ill of friends and not foe; trap the traitor in a mouse trap before he gives in to darkness."
With those words, he left Sirius and Lily bewildered and confused. The two stayed in their position for a few minutes until Sirius realized why he had ran all the way to the divination classroom.
"Lily" he said, walking to his best friend's girlfriend, "was that you who screamed before?"
"Yeah," Lily said as Sirius helped her off of the floor, "I just fell down the ladder, my usual clumsy self."
Sirius laughed at bit at Lily, but soon stopped when he realized who he was joking with. This was the girl who took his best friend from him. Lily was the monster in his dreams that kept his body restless and his mind tormented. She was a terror whose only real words to him were screams. She constantly yelled at him for everything he did, though sometimes Sirius would admit he did deserve it. She broke up many pranks, turned the Marauders in when they did things wrong, and, perhaps worst of all, she was the reason the four Marauders had turned into three. Sirius hated this girl with all the passions for his soul, yet as he looked at her, almost helpless on the floor, all his hate seemed to melt away. It was easy to hate someone when you did not have to be around them, but when you saw them face to face, the hatred was hard to hold on to.
"Well," Sirius said, breaking the silence between the two and after he spoke he knew he broke her from her thoughts. Sirius wondered if she was thinking the same thing as him. "What are you doing down here anyway? I thought you dropped divination?"
"I did," Lily said, "but I was looking for Cora. We were supposed to study charms together, since she claims she is horrible at the subject, but I think otherwise. I think she just gets nervous when she is put on the stop in class, 'cause when I get together with her she is fine. But anyway, I was looking for her and I know she sometimes comes up here, but she is not here today I guess."
"Ah," Sirius said, "well shall we then get away from this place, it fills me with bad memories."
Lily laughed a bit at Sirius words, "Yeah, but Levinthal was more funny then horrible. I mean, divination is a really interesting subject, but he took it to the max."
"You don't believe in telling the future?" Sirius asked as the two began walking away from the classroom.
"I do to an extent," Lily said, a bit ashamed of the fact that she liked the subject which most people despised and did not believe in, "because I still believe that people are free to make their own choices."
"Good," Sirius said matter-of-factly, "I think seers are all rubbish. I mean once in a blue moon one makes a correct prediction or so, but most are rubbish."
Lily took in everything that Sirius said before she even attempted to speak again. He said his words with such conviction that it almost seemed he had a personal vendetta against seers. Lily wanted to ask him about it, and had it been anyone but Sirius she would of, but this was the boy who was still jealous about her going out with his best friend. Besides the fact that Lily still hated him for all his antics around school, the two were simply too different to get along. Of course, Lily thought in the back of her mind, that was the same thing she told herself about James a year ago.
Bringing in all of her courage she asked Sirius the question that was on the tip of her tongue, "Why do you hate them so much?"
Sirius was a bit surprised by her words but played it off as if he was not bothered by her sudden interest in his personal life, "It's a long story."
"Well it is nice a day, we could go for a walk," the words slipped out of her mouth before she realized that she was speaking to Sirius. Lily had not had a decent conversation with him since as long as she could remember. Sirius was her enemy, or at least a person she did not want to be in contact with on a day to day basis, yet here she was, asking him to go for a walk.
Sirius must have been thinking the same thing for he stopped dead in his tracks and said, "Since when do you care Lily? Besides, you never wanted to hear my side of the story anyway, so why would you even care."
"Sirius, you have not exactly been the nicest person to me either!" Lily said, easily getting her temper back, "I'm just trying to be nice here, but you jump up and get all defensive."
"I'm not being defensive!"
"Yes you are! What are you trying to hide Sirius? What could possibly be so bad in your life that makes you like this?"
"You," Sirius said, his voice becoming low and stern, "have no idea about me or my past. You are in no position to question why I do anything. You have no idea why I am the way that I am."
"Well it's not my fault now is it? So what if you were a bad kid who was punished all the time, you probably deserved it."
Lily would later tell herself that she had never said anything so mean to such a caring person, but that would not be for a year, but now she only felt a small amount of guilt for what she had just said. She knew it was mean, but Sirius was really starting to piss her off. Everything he said just made her so mad! Yet, as Lily watched as Sirius' face turned from stern and angry to hurt, she felt worse for what she had said.
"You know, if you were not a girl," Sirius said before punching the wall and taking the staircase that led outside.
Lily watched in shock as Sirius walked away from her. Guilt and hurt flashed through her veins and even though she did not want to do it, she knew she had to. She had to apologize. It was the first time she could remember her being the bringer of doom and hurt in a verbal fight, and it made her feel awful. She may have not liked Sirius, but he deserved better treatment then what she had given him. Yet still a part of her could not forget what he had said about his hard life. Lily knew that Sirius had been living with James for a while, but she had never thought it was because of his family. Maybe something did happen to him in his youth that caused him to act like he did. With this though, Lily walked briskly in Sirius' wake, to find out the story behind the mask.
Lily found Sirius sitting by the lake, simply watching the water move in its slow and elegant way. This was a side of Sirius she had never seen, and she was not sure if she wanted to see it. It was so easy to stay mad at Sirius when he was acting immature and unreasonable, but now that he was showing emotions of a saddened and hurt soul, it was harder for Lily to be cold toward him.
Lily carefully walked over to Sirius, she did not want to startle him; she did not want him to run away again. When she finally reached him she had the feeling that even though he knew she was coming, he did not move, a thought that made Lily feel a little bit better about the situation; even though he was mad at her, he was willing to talk. Lily sat next to him and the two of them just sat on the ground for a few minutes, not speaking to each other. The silence was a way for each party to think about what he or she was going to say, and what this strange encounter between the two meant for the future.
Lily was the first to speak, "I'm sorry I said those things to you, about you and your family."
Sirius did not answer her, but he did move his head to the ground, and indication to Lily that he had heard and was absorbing what she said.
"I was angry at you and I couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth. I'm sorry," Lily said, moving closer to the boy and facing him.
Sirius gave her a quick glance before he spoke, "You were pretty harsh, especially for things you don't know anything about."
"Well maybe if you talked about the things that bothered you in your past."
"Nothing is bothering me," Sirius said, a defensive tone in his voice coming up again.
Lily sighed, this was going to be harder then she thought. Obviously something had happened to him in the past he did not want to remember, but it seemed he could not forget it. Lily was not sure if it was the reason why he was such a reckless person, but it definitely had to do with the way he was acting now.
Carefully, Lily spoke again, "What happened to you is none of my business, and you have all the right in the world to keep it to yourself, but keeping problems bottled up inside is not healthy. Maybe you can't talk to me, but you can talk to James or Remus or-"
"I can't talk to them," Sirius said, cutting Lily off, "Why would I tell the only people who make me happy what is bothering me, it will only bring down their spirits. Besides, they are the only family I have, and the things I have done before I knew them…they would never forgive me. And anyway, James is too worked up with other things, Remus and me have never been the same since a fight we had last year, and Peter would probably ask Remus or James for what to tell me to do to get over the stuff that is bothering me."
Lily was a little shocked by what Sirius had said; she had not expected him to tell her anything like this. Maybe he trusted her, or maybe he was so desperate to let out what he felt that whoever left out the beast had to hear the whole story. Yet even besides that, Lily never thought Sirius could speak like this, let alone feel these things. She was finally seeing the side of the boy whom James knew and loved, and the side of the boy that made him human, no matter how many layers of immaturity it was buried under.
"Sirius I know we don't get along well, but I am always here to vent to. I won't give you advice or anything, unless you want it, but I can be an ear to listen to you."
"I don't need to bother you with my ramblings of the past," Sirius said, drawing in the dirt with his finger. "It's done and over with, I just haven't been able to get over everything. I don't even live in that house anymore, so I don't know why I can't forget it."
"Some things we aren't supposed to forget," Lily said, letting the small breeze over the lake blow her hair a little bit, "I think that somethings are supposed to happen to us, like if they didn't happen we would be a different person. The person we might have been could have been evil and menacing, but now we are kind and loving because we suffered. It's not from the good times, but from the bad times, that teach us to be honest and loving to those around us."
Sirius let a small and short laugh leave his mouth, "That was pretty poetic."
"Well I can't take credit for it," Lily said, a small laugh escaping her as well, "Cora said that to us after her parents died. We didn't know what to say to her and then she comes out with these words that were so profound…"
"I didn't know her parents died," Sirius said.
"Yeah, she tried to keep it quiet. Plus it was before all these other murders started happening, so it was not as big of a deal as all the killings are now."
"Oh," Sirius said.
The two sat in silence again, and Lily knew Sirius was thinking about what he wanted her to know and what he did not want her to know. Lily was not expecting Sirius to open up to her right away, but she hoped that he would eventually trust her enough to talk about her everything that bothered him. She knew some stuff he would never tell, for in every person's life there are things someone would rather live with the pain of the memory then recall it again to someone else, but she hoped he would open his heart and let her in. In Lily's mind it almost made sense why he did the things he did. Why he played with girls instead of having a relationship with them or why he acted crazy all the time. It seems that if he was drawing attention away from himself, no one would see the imperfection in his life. And if he did not have a relationship with anyone but still be intimate with them, he could get the love he needed to feel from others while still keeping them distanced from his true self. Sirius made sense in her mind now, and other people would see it to if they took the time to see the prince beneath the beast.
Sirius then reached over to Lily and embraced her in a hug. To say she was surprised by this action was an understatement; had she been standing she might have fallen on the ground. Without really thinking she gently hugged him back, but she was still unsure of what he wanted her to do. Lily and Sirius had never gotten along before this moment, and now here they were, hugging in front of a portion of the student body. Of course this would get around school and eventually people would start the rumor that Lily was cheating on James for Sirius, but none of the Marauders or Lily's friends would believe these words. The people that mattered in Lily and Sirius's life knew that James and Lily cared too much about each other to risk their love on a one night stand.
When Sirius let go of Lily, he kept his hands on the upper part of her arm and leaned down and kissed her forehead. He then leaned his forehead against hers and said, "No wonder James loves you so much."
With that, Sirius got up and began walking to his tree on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest, but before he got far he turned around and said, "Next time, just spend some time with the four of us, instead of just James all the time. I'm not the only boy feeling left out some of the time."
Lily may have taken his last words as an insult, but Sirius said them with a smile and also with a soft undertone to his voice; his words were simply telling her the issues the other boys had. Had the two not had the talk they had just had, she may have followed him to his tree, but she knew he wanted to be alone. Besides, Lily wanted to talk to James about something. So with that thought, Lily got up off the ground and walked into the school, a much happier person then she had left.
A/N: I am much happier with this chapter then the last one I posted. This one is almost 4000 words and I just like the way it is reading. The first part may be a bit choppy, but I like the rest a lot. I know people may think this is a pointless chapter, but I wanted to have Lily and Sirius getting along before they left Hogwarts. After all, if Sirius is Harry's godfather then that means that Lily and James were close to Sirius.
Anyway, next chapter should be up soon. I am going to try and post at least once a month, but it might be sooner then that since I am so excited about the new book and movie coming out that sometimes all I can think about it Harry Potter. Writing this story gives me my fill of Harry Potter! It is wonderful! Oh, and next chapter lots of Lily and James and maybe some Lily and Remus (or maybe L/R will be in the chapter after that…I will figure that out as I write the chapter.
Oh and please review this chapter, I only got three reviews for the last chapter I wrote, but I guess that is my fault too. I have been a bad writer and have not been writing. Please review though…it makes me want to write more!
The three of you that did review! I love you guys!!
PadfootandProngs91: I always love hearing from you! We have not talked in a while, we really should!
flying.high.forever. : I'm glad you are still reading! Much love!
glowing-ice: haha, you're very funny! I am glad to here from you too, you were one of my first readers. So glad I have not lost you!