Dear Daddy,
It feels strange to write those words after all this time. Through all the changes from the last seven years I've somehow been able to keep this notebook safe and secret.
That is, until a few days ago when Emma found it while looking for any chocolate that I may have hidden away from everyone. She opened the notebook but realized it was personal pretty quickly and stopped reading. (Or so she claims) She was genuinely curious about what it was and do you know what I told her?
I told her it was my "Emma" journal.
I honestly don't know where the name came from but the words flew out of my mouth so quickly that you would have thought I had previous titled it as such.
In the years I was writing to you I had actually always referred to it (in my head) as my Dad Diary. Now with time and perspective, I've come to view it differently.
I started this journal because of her. And I had her in my thoughts almost every entry afterwards. It's essentially a catalogue of our early relationship.
Needless to say, after telling her the name, she instantly became one hundred times more interested in the journal's contents. Like a small child, she wouldn't stop bothering me about it until I finally told her that I would read her some of it. I was understandably nervous about this but we've stressed open and truthful communication in our relationship so I knew that I had probably told her about everything inside anyway. Regardless, someone knowing something about you, and hearing your exact feelings on the subject at the time it happened are two very different things.
Emma could sense my reluctance though and was determined to make the experience fun. Every night after the children were asleep (or in Henry's case, awake but pretending to be asleep.) we would cuddle up in bed and I would read to her. She wanted to start at the beginning. She promised me that I could skip over anything I was too embarrassed to say but she also made it clear that she preferred to hear all my thoughts and feelings.
And you know what, it WAS actually a fun experience. I forced myself to power through it and say everything written. She was the perfect audience; completely enraptured but also always ready to make comments and sound affects.
She awed when I met Henry. She made a sour face when Darla was mentioned. Although the face was short lived and she smiled smugly when I compared the two women. She laughed at my frustration from our first kiss. And she almost cried when I described our breakup. That was the only entries I had truly not wanted to read about but I'm glad I did. It was cathartic and a good reminder to keep our marriage strong.
We read the last entry tonight and Emma was upset to see that there was still two blank pages left in the notebook. She asked me why this was and I told her that there wasn't any particular reason. I had just stopped got busy but in a very good way, and I no longer need that outlet to express myself.
I've never once stopped talking to you in my mind. There have been so many moments when I wished you were there with us. But that's just the thing; I wasn't alone any more. I wanted you with US, not just with ME.
When I had started writing, I had no one to turn to. I didn't even feel comfortable telling my best friend all of my secrets. Now that's not true. I have someone. I have many people I could turn to. More people than I've ever had before. Or at least more than I ever realized I had.
Anyway, Emma's response to my answer was to hand me a pen. She told me that this story needed an ending. An epilogue of sorts.
The task was more overwhelming than I had imagined. How do I summarize all that has occurred or I hope will occur since I last put a pen to this paper?
Luckily, my beautiful white knight has saved me once again. She suggested I regale you with a memory. Immortalize just one moment from my current life for you.
But how to choose just one moment? Another very daunting task, I assure you.
So to eliminate all the strife of a decision and I chose to tell you about a moment from today. Today had been a seemingly ordinary one in almost every regard.
But that's why I think it's perfect.
Regina stood looking out over the ocean. In fact, it was the very same spot in which she first saw a glimpse of Emma. When they had decided to try and adopt a baby, they began looking for bigger homes. Fortunately a neighbor only two doors away was selling their spacious four bedroom house. It felt like fate. Neither woman liked the idea of moving too far away.
This was their home.
Regina looks over at the blonde now, admiring her physique and wonders how she was able to marry her dream woman.
Even a decade later, Emma is fit as a fiddle and still manages to leave the brunette speechless. She perhaps has less definition and a four-pack instead of a six, but that's to be expected with age and less vigorous work outs.
She blames my cooking.
I'm surprised she's able to even get any food at dinner considering how much Henry has started eating. At fourteen, he has become a human garbage disposal. He's still thin as a rail though.
"Mom!" The teenage shouts.
Regina immediately turns her head toward him only to realize he wasn't talking to her. He and Emma are fooling around in the water close by.
When he was younger he still called me mommy so there was no confusion to whom he was referring. Now, with both of us being simply "mom" it can get confusing. Although not as often as you may think.
"Mommy." A little voice asks from her feet.
She looks down at her little girl, Annalee, who is starting to build a sandcastle.
My beautiful baby girl! Who happens to not be such a baby anymore. If she knew I was writing this, she would probably insist that I tell you she is not four, but PRACTICALLY five years old since her birthday is in three weeks.
I tell her not to be in such a rush to grow up, but when do children ever listen to advice like that?
"Yes, my princess?" Regina responds and crouches in the sand behind her daughter.
"Will you help me build the towers?"
"Of course." She says and makes herself comfortable in the sand next to her daughter.
A few minutes later Emma and Henry walk in from the water.
"Making a castle?" Emma asks.
"Yup!" The little girl responds.
Henry sits down on the other side of his sister.
Adopting children means they rarely look like you, but if that's what we were hoping for, we got fairly lucky in that regard.
No one (who doesn't already know about the adoptions) has ever questioned the parentage of our children. Maybe they wonder silently, but no one has ever asked. Although, our features and even completions are very dissimilar if you really look.
However, somehow Henry and Annalee look as though they could be blood siblings. They both have the same shade of brown hair and hazel eyes. And they both have thin mouths that stretch into the widest smiles. The most noticeable difference is the freckles. Annalee has a face full of them. Especially in the summer when she's in the sun a lot. Henry, like me, doesn't have a single one.
"Anything I can do to help?" Henry asks.
"You and Momma can build a moat." She directs in true Mills fashion.
"Okay!" The two hop up and take up the task of building a very deep surrounding moat.
They work amicably together while following the little girls instructions.
I soon became distracted. The beach couldn't be labeled "crowed" but they're were a few other families and couples sunbathing and enjoying the water. That's not even including all the locals who come to simple walk along the beach for a short time before leaving again.
One such neighbor caught my eye.
An older gentelman walked onto the beach with his dog. The collie immediately rolled around in the sand before allowing them to move forward on their walk.
As soon as the dog and his owner came near, I knew I was in for an earful.
"Doggy!" Anna shouts and runs over to him.
"Be careful!" I call behind her, but Emma and Henry are already making their way over to the dog as well.
They pet him for a few moments and ask about this name. (Which is Jake.) Before resuming their castle building.
Only they don't resume their building. Instead, they all look at me with identical expressions of excitement and pleading.
Maybe we do look alike.
"No." Regina says before any of her family can speak.
"Please mom!" Henry pleads.
"We'll take good care of a puppy." Annalee promises.
"No."
"You know," Emma starts. "you originally said maybe to a dog when we moved. Why has that changed to a hard no?"
The truth is, it wasn't a hard no. The truth...I already bought a dog. Or claimed one at least.
Diana's daughter goes to school with people who breed dogs. One of their Golden Retrivers just had puppies and I've already went over to their house and claimed one for us.
I have to say he is very cute.
I haven't told anyone or picked him up yet because he's still too young to be away from his mother. I also want to give him to Anna as a surprise for her birthday.
"I'll think about it." Regina promises Emma.
"It's okay I'll just send you more articles about the benefits of having a dog. Their are a lot of studies about how they are great to have when your children are young."
"Yes dear, you've made me read those before." Regina smirks.
"I just want to make sure." Emma says with a pouty expression.
Regina smiles and pecks her wife's lips.
"I promise to consider it."
I want to tell them so badly but I know the surprise is better.
Emma lights up.
"That practically means yes." She tells Henry. "What are we going to name it?"
The three of them spend the rest of the day throwing out names they may like for both girl and boy puppies.
We don't spend too much more time at the beach. Emma helped me cook dinner (still a favorite activity of ours) while the children cleaned themselves up.
All in all, it was a nice simple day. Just our family.
That's why I loved it so much. We don't get to have family days very often, or if we do it's shared with others as well.
Between school, work, clubs, birthday parities, and a miriad of other activities, it's hard to find a time for all of us to relax together for more than an hour at dinner.
Perhaps we need another vacation?
Regardless of needing a vacation, I'm...happy.
The word seems insignificant but it's true. No one can be happy all the time, but I feel truly happy for at least a portion of every day. What more could I ask for?
I don't need to ask for someone to listen to me anymore, as you have always done because I now have that.
That doesn't mean I don't miss you.
But I know in my heart, that you would be happy just because I am.
It's over! I can't believe I wrote a story that is over 60 thousand words! I know to many of you that's not a lot but for me, that's nuts.
Thank you for everyone who read, commented on, followed or favorited this story! I hope you enjoyed it!