A/N: Just a little specific thing. In this chapter I refer to the novel Splinter Cell Blacklist Aftermath, where Sam tracked down Kestrel in Ukraine near Chernobyl. It hadn't been a happy meeting for them, and it's the only time we see Kestrel in the whole novel, which had been extremely frustrating for me since I love Kestrel's character.
Chapter 36
Kestrel was feeling quite fine until Grim gave him the letter. He had absolutely no memory of his sleepwalking and was still a little bit dazed, but he could mask it quite easily. And he was so hungry that he had pleaded a long time with Dr Collins to go to the dining cabin, and finally the exhausted doc had relented.
But now, seeing Konovalov's letter in Grim's outstretched hand, he felt nauseous and dizzy. He put down his mug of coffee and grabbed it, staring at the neat writing of Dyedushka who had labeled the envelope with his full Russian name: "Михаил Андреевич Лосков". Trembling, he stared at it for a long time, oblivious to the concerned faces of his teammates.
He didn't dare open it. He couldn't. Dyedushka had disowned him, he had thought Kestrel had betrayed Voron. Even during the night he had spent at Dyedushka's place, the seasoned ops had refused to hear him speak, just giving him some food, a gun and fake papers, then shut himself in his room. Kestrel had hardly slept that night, tormented as he was, just back from the USA. After they saved him, Sam and the team had let him go after asking him to tell Fourth Echelon about the intel Voron had extracted from him by torturing him. And the first thing he did after climbing down the plane in Moscow had been seeking advice from his "grandfather", but had received none.
And now, after three years of silence and reject, he had a letter from the man who had taught him how to be a Voron operative. A man who had been killed six months ago, but for whom Kestrel still had a very deep respect and affection. He set it on the table, still looking at it with his guts twisting, and heard Sam asking gently:
_ You don't want to open it?
_ I can't, he confessed, his voice trembling. He disowned me. He died believing I was a traitor. What could he have written to me?
_ Only one way to find out, mate, Briggs said seriously. Come on. Open it.
Kestrel took the envelope again, hesitating. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder, and Sam said kindly:
_ Open it, Kestrel. If he left something for you, then it must be important.
Kestrel took a deep breath, nodded and ripped it open, using his left hand still pressed against his chest by the sling. And inside, he found a small card. The image was an old one, and he recognized the bear Misha, mascot of the Olympic Games of Moscow in 1980. Then, his hand shaking, he flipped the card over, and read the Russian words written on the back. "To live without Hope is to Cease to live."
_ Dostoyevsky, he murmured. His favourite author.
He dropped the card on the table and stood up abruptly, tears blinding him. He strode out of the room, hardly knowing where he was going, and got out of the plane. He advanced along the airport fence, not feeling the light rain falling on him, melting the tears on his cheeks. He had to admit that Dyedushka had seen right through him, not fooled by Kestrel's tough shell. That quotation of Dostoyevsky was very clear.
It was true that after his awaking in the Paladin after his coma and Fourth Echelon's rescue, he had no hope left. Only revenge and fury were making him go on at that time, but those aren't things one can live on eternally. That's why he had started drinking, a short time after his encounter with Sam near Chernobyl, when the Splinter Cell had tracked him down and killed his target. And Dyedushka had obviously foreseen all this, just by sheltering him for a night.
But he had lived on since his last encounter with his "grandfather". He had met Alpha, he had loved her and still did, and now he had great friends, so close to his heart that he regarded them as his family. It had taken him time to trust them and accept to reveal himself to them, but he didn't regret it. He had found hope, and good reasons to live.
He breathed deeply, wiping his wet face, sensing Sam's and Briggs' presence behind him, and stopped, letting them catching up with him. While watching absent-mindedly the planes landing and taking off, he heard Sam's deep voice, asking kindly:
_ All right, sonny?
_ Yes, he nodded with a rather hoarse voice. The card has brought back bad and painful memories, that's all.
_ Tell us, Briggs said calmly.
Kestrel turned on the spot, facing them, and saw that they were drenched from head to foot. The rain was falling heavily now, but he hadn't noticed it until now.
_ Okay, but let's get back to the plane first or we'll all be ill and Dr Collins will go berserk.
Sam and Briggs had a faint smile, and they quickly strode back to the hangar. They made a detour by their cabins to put on dry clothes, and Kestrel had a tough time with his sling, but he succeeded and went to the dining cabin, where the whole team was waiting for him. He sat down, back in his right self, the card still in front of him, and picked it up. He asked, showing it to his team:
_ Do you know who this is?
_ Yeah, Sam said. Misha, the mascot of the Moscow Games in 1980. The US boycotted them.
_ Yes, Kestrel nodded, putting the card in his wallet. It was still the Sovietic Union, but my former country was very proud of this great event. And Dyedushka was there, as a KGB agent, securing the places and athletes. He was very proud of it and often told me the story. And of course, you know the usual nickname of Mikhail is Misha, so he started to call me Mishka for the reason I already told you but also because it reminded him of the Olympic Games and was close enough to the bear Misha's name.
He paused, remembering Dyedushka's smile when he had called him "Mishka" in front of all the Voron ops after their mission. He had felt so moved and proud then. But he went back to the present and went on, looking at his team:
_ Do you remember the day you released me? It was a Thursday. You drove me to Dulles and accompanied me to my plane, giving me my ticket and wishing me luck. I knew then you didn't really care about me, and to be honest I didn't give a damn about you either.
He saw Sam and Briggs looking uneasy, and Grim and Charlie were downright upset. But he wasn't harboring any grudge about it and calmly went on:
_ I had only one thing in my mind at that time: take revenge. And I did, at least I tried. But the night I came back from the US, I knocked on Dyedushka's door. I wanted advice, explanations, anything. He only gave me food, a shelter for the night, a gun and fake papers. Didn't speak one word to me. The following morning, he indicated me the door, telling me that I was a traitor, that since I had betrayed Voron he disowned me, and that never again should I come to his place. He wished me good luck, though.
He forced down the sad tears threatening to come out again, and said, feeling a very hard and old knot in his heart starting to untie:
_ You know what I did after that. I was a mercenary, freelancing in Russia, and I managed to catch several Voron ops who had tortured me in Koltsovo. When you tracked me down in Vilcha, I had come there for my target, but also for the cash I knew my foster father had hid there and that I badly needed. And when Briggs killed that Voron creep Yenin, I was mad. I almost shot you, Sam, you know?
He saw that his boss was a little surprised, but that was in the past. A painful past he was doing huge efforts to leave behind him, and talking about it was the right thing to do.
_ But I overcame the anger, and after all I owed you my life. So I simply decided to ignore you and your eventual calls, and leave no tracks behind me to prevent you from tracking me down again. But by doing so, I became desperately lonely, and I started to drink. You know the rest. I met Alpha, she saved me, from Pachkov and from myself. But this card from Dyedushka, with the quotation of Dostoyevsky, reminded me of that dark period of my life.
He raised his head and saw bright eyes and sad faces, and he said, smiling slightly:
_ But it's behind me. It's in my other life, when I was still Russian. Now I'm American and a Fourth Echelon ops, and immensely proud to be. And I'm not lonely anymore.
Next to him Briggs squeezed his arm, and Sam nodded at him. Grim wiped her cheeks, and Charlie blew his nose. Wonderful, Kestrel, мой друг (my friend), he thought, you've wrecked the mood. So he said more lightly:
_ And now that I'm here with you, I want to finish my American breakfast!
He grabbed his half-eaten bagel, seeing timid smiles on his team's faces, and hastily finished it. While he ate his three remaining bagels and drank his cold coffee, Sam said after clearing his throat:
_ Maybe we should take stock on our mission. Is it finished?
_ I think so, Grim said with a still uneasy voice, but quickly recovering. Let's have a meeting after breakfast.
_ You mean after Kestrel eats all the food on the table, Briggs joked with a small smile.
_ One day, I'll make you pay for your sneaky comments, мой друг.
_ How? Briggs asked, smiling wider. By forcing bagels down my throat?
_ Oh, it'll be much worse, Kestrel smirked. You just wait.
_ Don't forget to tip me off, Kestrel, Sam said with a snigger. I wouldn't want to miss it.
_ Neither would I! Charlie exclaimed.
_ Hey! Briggs protested, making the team laugh. Is it Isaac's day?
Kestrel grinned as they got to their feet and went to the control room. They gathered around the SMI, and Charlie switched it on. Kestrel saw a schematic with names and arrows, and Sam said:
_ Okay. So Leblanc died in the crash of his plane. The coup in Venezuela most probably won't happen since the boat bringing the weapons is now at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean, and since we prevented the Seal operation against the president Perez. The CIA is on the MSS' tracks and keep an eye on Venezuela, and the moles have been arrested. Kestrel, any news from Kossiak about Poliakov?
_ No. Maybe I should call him.
_ Go on.
Kestrel called his friend with Fourth Echelon's line, and soon heard his voice in the SMI's loudspeaker:
_ Да?
_ If you want to be happy, be, he said calmly.
_ Tolstoi, my favourite author, Kossiak replied. I have a book written by him in my bookcase, you're lucky.
_ Hi, Igor.
_ You sound better and not angry anymore, Mishka.
_ True. Water under the bridge, Igor.
_ Have you received the letter?
_ Yes, thanks.
Kestrel didn't elaborate, and he sensed Igor's curiosity, but he wasn't going to tell him about Dyedushka's last words for him. They had been for him alone. And if he had wanted to share the memories with his team, he didn't want to do so with Kossiak. They were still friends, but remote ones, and he knew that maybe someday their respective jobs would make them enemies. He asked:
_ Is Poliakov under arrest? And Kandinski?
_ Poliakov is dead, Kossiak said grimly. And Kandinski left us. He's on the run. He was innocent, we couldn't find anything against him, but his boyfriend's death was a hard blow. Before he left, he swore to take revenge upon us and Fourth Echelon. So beware, Mishka.
_ Okay, Kestrel sighed. One more enemy, then. That's just sad.
_ Indeed. What about the Guoangbu?
_ Not a threat anymore, Sam chimed in seriously. And the man pulling the strings is dead. It was Leblanc, one of the last members of Meggido.
_ I'm glad to hear it, Sam Fisher. Well, I'm afraid I can't stay. Until next time, then.
_Bye, Igor, Kestrel said simply.
He lightly touched the SMI, and the line went dead. Then he asked Sam:
_ So it's over, then?
_ Yes, Sam nodded. It's over. And I think we all have earned a week of holidays.
_ Not me, I'm afraid, Kestrel grimaced. Dr Collins wants to keep me within his sight for the next two weeks.
_ It doesn't mean you can't have holidays, Kestrel, Grim said kindly. Do you want to go to Boise?
Kestrel looked at her, hope and joy in his heart. He would love going back to the chalet, even if he had to be with the doc there.
_ Yes, I'd gladly go there, Grim!
_ I'd like to go there too, Sam said thoughtfully. The last time, it has been too short and eventful. Would you like to go, Grim? We've finished the mission, and we can't see the twins yet.
_ Yes, I'd like it, she said.
_ Charlie? Sam asked his tech.
_ Why not? the young man said. Boise isn't so far away from the chalet. As long as I have a computer and a car to go out, I'm in.
_ Briggs?
_ I'll have to ask Molly, but it's a good idea.
_ Kestrel? Do you mind if we all come? Grim asked him, a little late.
_ The more the merrier, he said calmly, rejoicing inwardly.
_ Okay, Sam said. So I'll ask the doc, then if it's okay we can fly there after lunch.
_ We go with the Paladin? Charlie asked him in surprise.
_ Yes, Sam said seriously. We must use it when three or more team members are gathered in the same place. Security reasons, to be ready in case of emergency. So if you want to go home to pack some things, it's this morning or never. Kestrel, you don't have your car and can't drive, but...
_ I'm okay, Sam, he smiled. I have everything I need here.
_ Briggs, Fourth Echelon will book and pay your tickets and Molly's if you want to come and miss the plane.
_ That's nice, Sam, the ops said gratefully. I'll keep in touch. Molly arrives later this morning.
_ Well, I'm off, Charlie said. Need a few things. Take-off at...?
_ 2 pm at the latest, Grim said, scowling at him a little. I did say " at the latest", Charlie.
_ Got it, Grim, Charlie sighed before leaving.
_ I'll phone Molly straight away, Briggs said, exiting the control room.
_ Do you need anything, Sam? Grim asked him.
_ No thanks, honey. I'm good.
_ Me too. I'll make lunch, then.
_ And I'll go and see the doc, Sam said. Coming, Kestrel?
_ I'm right behind you, Sam.
Kestrel got up and followed his boss to the infirmary, where Dr Collins was phoning somebody. They hesitated, but the doc beckoned them inside, so they entered. He said to the person he was speaking to:
_ Yes, I'm positive, Bert. I know him well, by now, I can assure you. … No, don't worry. … I'll keep in touch. … Yes, see you soon. … Bye.
The doc hung up and told them:
_ It was Dr Van Butten. He was distraught by your disappearance, agent Kestrel, and your sleepwalking disorder worried him. But I told him you had recovered well, at least until now. But I have to watch you very carefully for the next two weeks.
_ About that, doc,... Sam started.
_ Sam, he cut him, please! I need holidays! It's exhausting running and looking after agent Kestrel. He's very strong, but we're not all like him. So no more missions!
_ I wanted to offer you a week with us in Boise's chalet, Sam told him quietly. True holidays, doc. Well, except maybe a daily check on Kestrel, but no stunts and missions for a week at least. What do you think of it?
Dr Collins eyed him with a surprised, then appraising look, and Kestrel waited patiently, crossing his fingers behind his back. At long last, the doc said:
_ I agree on one condition.
_ Which condition?
_ Agent Kestrel, the doc said seriously, locking eyes with him, you'll have to promise me that you won't climb trees, fall into stairs, drink vodka, practise kickboxing or another violent sport like that, or anything of that sort. Peaceful holidays with no effort. Do I have your word?
_ Yes, doc, Kestrel smiled. I swear I'll be very calm and peaceful.
_ Good, the doc grinned. In this case, I gladly accept.
_ Thanks a lot, doc, Sam said, smiling. We leave at 2 pm.
_ Okay. Then I'll go home and be back on time. See you later.
Kestrel and Sam made their way back to the control room, and met Briggs there, just hanging up with his girlfriend.
_ Molly agrees, he said, obviously delighted. Her plane is landing at 11.17 am, so we'll just have time to go home and fetch some clothes before coming here on time.
_ Don't worry, Sam shook his head, a faint smile on his lips. You know Charlie, he's always late. I think we'll take off around three.
_ We'll make it quick nevertheless, Briggs said.
_ And Sam? Kestrel asked him seriously. Could I ask you a favour?
_ Sure, his boss nodded while facing him. Ask away.
_ Could you teach us in Boise your shadow technique, please? I suppose it doesn't require any violent physical effort, so the doc shouldn't be able to complain.
_ No, indeed, Sam said with a mischievous smile. Okay, Kestrel. You, me and Briggs will play hide-and-seek, the Splinter Cell version.