22 March 2016

The first update of the year is in March! Late March. Apologies? I guess? Not that it really makes anyone feel better?

This is probably incentive to get an FFN account so you can follow instead of having to suffer and check back for it every day. Also, so I can spam you. Although that is definitely not my ulterior motive i dont know what youre talking about.

First thing I've written since last year so it might be. well. Crap. I should hire someone to insult me to get me to update.

Disclaimer: I don't know how roasting works and I've never eaten a roasted plum but please don't try to eat a cancerous plum or a cancerous anything, it's too early for me to be an indirect-murder murderer.

37. Roasting

of plums in a fully-alive volcano crater.

Kirby loved picnics. Kirby loved picnics with friends. Kirby loved picnics with friends at the most obscure places.

"Kirby," Bandana Dee started in his most careful, most cautious, most wary, most I-must-not-offend-anyone tone, "picnics are very lovely, but…"

"But?"

But they were at the top of the volcano at the edge of the hole, which happened to lead to the Red Pool of Non-Bloody Doom.

It happened suddenly—Kirby ordered his Suffer Squad to deenap (minionnap?) Bandana Dee again and flew them all the way over to… actually, Bandana Dee didn't know. But it was rude! Incredibly rude! ...To suddenly capture him. Definitely not because Bandana Dee was basically crying and blowing snot through the entire fifteen-second ride to the other side of the world—no, definitely not. Not because the capsule js snickered at him for it. What are you even talking about? Are you okay? Do you have a fever?

Actually, did puffballs or waddle dees or anything bleed when they fell into lava? Or—did carnivorous plants even die when they fell into lava? Normal plants were a sure goner; the way Kirby was worshipping the soil those monsters even lay themselves on made Bandana Dee unsure. Or maybe Kirby was one of those religious, strong-faith believers who made sacrifices of chicken poop every day.

"But?" Kirby repeated, eyes large with (probably feigned) innocence and curiosity. "But what? What's this? Oh, Bandana Dee! I get it now! You're afraid!"

That triggered Bandana Dee's alarm, and he straightened himself and sat right upright, half-devoured and very-disgusting sandwich dropping on the bare picnic mat. Did Kirby just—? Did Kirby just get something right for once? Was this real? Kirby, who never ever cared about others, or seemed not to care, or maybe actually cared too much, was getting something right? Was Bandana Dee hallucinating because of the sweltering, sweltering heat? Were pigs really flying?

"Of picnics!"

(Five seconds had passed. The sandwich made an almighty risk for Bandana Dee's train of thoughts, and its great sacrifice would be remembered.)

(...Probably.)

"Kirby," Bandana Dee started in his most careful, most cautious, most wary, most I-must-not-offend-anyone tone, again, "it's not the picnic I'm worried about—okay, it kind of is, but—it's the mat. I mean—not the—it's the location I'm scared about."

If they were away from the crater and down the volcano a little, Bandana Dee wouldn't mind, but the fact that the corner of the picnic mat was hanging down into the crater was enough for—yeah. It was just enough.

What was the appeal of eating by an alive, bubbling, gonna-kill-you-with-heat lava—erm, Red Pool of Non-Bloody-But-Possibly-Bloody Pool, again?

"Bandana Dee," Kirby drawled, mocking Bandana Dee's previous tone, "you have to face your fears someday."

Did Kirby get what Bandana Dee was actually concerned about? ...Actually, knowing Kirby, he probably did right off the bat. He was just being… a… annoying-butt buttock.

"Besides, there's a pro to everything!" Suddenly leaping up, Kirby balanced on the tips of his rounded red feet and swung down to pick something out of the only picnic basket. Bandana Dee didn't have time to have a look at it—the purple blur shot off towards the centre of the crater. "Du!"

His first thoughts were: Is he trying to skip purple stones in lava? When a yellow form bolted out of nowhere and swooped in to catch the purple stone at the speed of Bandana Dee's paranoid thoughts formations, it progressed into WAAAAAAAAAH—

"Roasted plums are nice when they're toasted by natural lava!" Kirby enthused, holding up the probably-burning and now-black… plum.

Bandana Dee was too appalled to suggest it was probably very cancerous.