Summary: Rachel has a secret and Quinn has figured it out - but will Quinn use this knowledge to exact revenge on Rachel for telling Finn that Puck was really the father or will she use her own experiences to help. WARNING - language and sexual content in the form of rape, also at some point possible reference to self-harm.

Pairing: Rachel/Quinn

Notes: Rachel does some thinking and slowly starts the process of putting the blame where it belongs.

Warning: Language. Violence.

Disclaimer: I own nothings, but the random ramblings of which occur in my brain. Glee and any other copyrighted content used belongs to their respective owners.

Monday night/Tuesday Morning

She was used to lying awake at night plagued by thoughts, it was something Rachel had become accustomed to. She found herself questioning everything. Family. Friends. Glee. School. The baby. Her future. Regional's.

I wish Quinn was here. She hated the nights when she found herself alone in bed, she had grown used to the two or three nights of the week when she would have the blonde's delicate frame lying beside her. She could talk to Quinn tell her about the thoughts that were keeping her up. More often that not Quinn was just as clueless as Rachel was about what it all meant, but she listened none the less and cared about what the small girl had to say. Rachel found herself wanting to tell Quinn about what she was thinking that day on the swings, but she wasn't ready to deal with her discoveries yet herself, let alone share them with someone else. There was enough to deal with as it was, without adding to it. It wasn't just missing the sense of safety that Quinn seemed to embody whenever she was around her, Rachel found that she generally missed Quinn's presence. It was true that she felt safe with Quinn, but she felt safe with Mercedes, Artie and Santana. There was something else there that made her need the blonde, something that made their friendship unique. She had wondered if it was anything to do with Quinn being the person to find her at her lowest point. I can't believe I did that. I didn't even think about it. That was the scary thing about it all, she hadn't thought about it. She had just gone through with it, it hadn't hurt, it didn't bring any form of peace, all she had felt was numb. That was one of the reasons she had done it in the first place. To feel. Her reasons for taking a brillo pad to her skin were to remove him and to see if she would feel anything. She had failed at both. And now I'm scarred forever. Even if there had been no physical scarring, there was always the mental scarring. She knew this wasn't something she could just bounce back from. It was because of him she know understood the meaning of malice and what true hatred was. She didn't hate him, she wished she could. Maybe one day I'll be able to hate him. For now she would remain petrified by the mere thought of him.

Rachel rolled onto her side, her elbow ended up resting atop of the bump that was now her stomach. She tried to fathom out what she was supposed to. How am I supposed to feel? She wanted it to be simple, she wanted it to be black and white. Why is nothing clear any more? She wanted to understand it it happened in the first place. How she had managed to get herself into this mess. She still couldn't understand how Quinn was able to touch her, how she was able to rest her hand on her expanding stomach. "This is your baby Rach, whether you decide to keep it or not. It doesn't make you disgusting or dirty, no matter what anyone else says. It doesn't matter who the father is because it's a part of you. It'll be perfect, because it's a part of you." She wished she could believe everything Quinn had said. How can it be perfect when I'm so broken? She didn't understand how after everything that had happened she had managed to end up with people that she could actually call friends. Friends that loved her. They shouldn't love me. I don't deserve it. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was damaged goods. Maybe this is why Shelby didn't want to try, maybe she knew I wasn't worth it. She wondered if the child she was carrying would think the same one-day, that Rachel had deemed them unworthy somehow for a deed they had no blame in. What would I do if sixteen years later they turned up on my doorstep? The thought was a constant since she had first felt the delicate flutter within her stomach, she'd barely realised it was there at first, she wasn't even sure if the flutter was the baby or whether it was her nerves. She had been thinking a lot lately about what she was going to do when it came to the baby. She only had two options but it was proving the hardest decision she had ever had to make.

She gave up trying to sleep, her mind was racing and Quinn wasn't there to help at least turn the volume down as they screamed in her head. Rachel extricated herself from the bed and made her way to the en suite, glancing at the clock as she passed it. 02:07 flashed on the display. She toyed with the idea of putting her music on regardless of the late hour, but in the end decided against it not wanting to wake her fathers even though they were pretty heavy sleepers. She started the shower and started to hum quietly as she peeled away the layers of clothing that now passed for her sleepwear. Uncovering her body did nothing to slow her thoughts, if anything it made them race faster in dizzying circles around her head all screaming at her for attention. She tried to shake the thoughts away as she entered the shower, her muscles tensing as the hot water came into contact with her skin.

She stood still for a few moments, relishing the way the water pelted against her raw skin. It took away from the thoughts of why she had woken up in the first place, the one thought she was desperately trying to ignore so that she wouldn't have to see his face. It didn't matter, no matter what she thought of in the end it all came back to him. The divide at school, the child she was carrying, the distance that she had formed between herself and her fathers, the friends she now had, the future she was no longer sure of. It all boiled down to the same thing, he was the route of every thought. She felt the anger wash over her and she welcomed it. It took over everything, the fear, the constant confusion, the hopelessness, everything, it was all replaced with anger.

Everything she had wanted to ignore was now at the forefront of her mind, propelled there by anger and the shadow of his face. His smirk served to taunt her. She couldn't understand how her feelings had changed so much in the space of an hour, she didn't care. The combination of hormones and anger coursing through her veins ruled out all logic that yelled at her to stop and ask what had changed, she just ran with it. You took away my family! Her fists draw back and slammed into tile. You took away my future! Flesh collided with tile again. You ruined everything! Bang. You fucked it all up! Bam. You fucked me up! Bang. It's your fault! You did this! She kept slamming her fists against the wall with every statement. I'm disgusting because of you! I'm pregnant because of you! The thoughts kept on coming, everything she had been aiming at herself finally being aimed elsewhere. Why me? You fuck! Why did you have to break me? Her right fist missed the tile and connected with the metal piping of the shower, splitting the skin, she didn't stop. You took my voice away from me! She was beginning to loose steam, her anger fading as quickly as it had made it's presence known. You took away my choice! You took everything from me! She slumped against the wall and slid to sit in the basin, tears mixing with water. What did I do to deserve this?

This was the first time Rachel was glad Quinn wasn't there to have stopped her from venting her anger, she was glad that Quinn hadn't been the one on the receiving end this time.

Attention: Ok so thoughts? LOL

Couple of questions…

What sex do you think the baby is?

Rachel is close to making her decision surrounding the baby, who do you think will be the first person she tells?

I look forward to hearing what you all think