Little Tragedies, Issues 36
Author's Foreword:
Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is actually a pretty good movie! It is definitely better than the last two ...
Guys! There is a show that needs our help! Community is probably the smartest comedy out there but it is not getting the ratings it deserves to stay on the air so after season 3 it will probably be cancelled!
What the frag! Seriously! Rescue Bots? Have you guys seen the animation style? It is horrendous! I thought watching fat people do yoga was torture!
Transformers Prime ... season 2 I still have to tackle ... I am waiting until they have more episodes because I like my shows in bulk.
I am going to miss going to the hospital, it was such a nice place, sure I wasn't getting paid or anything but there was something special about subtly showing some of my colleagues how much better I am than them and taking care of little kiddies at the same time as I send families to begin their journeys to parenthood!
I really do not get why people have such a hard time with babies like calming them down or bathing them ... maybe it is just me but I never had any trouble with any of it, on my end it all kinda came naturally on top of being overly obvious ...
Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)
A very dense fog. Tracks can't see anything so he follows a car in front of him. Suddenly, the car stops and Tracks crashes into it. Tracks:
"What happened?"
Ultra Magnus:
"I drove into my garage …"
Wheeljack calls up Soundwave. Tracks:
"Hello?"
Wheeljack:
"Oh, hey Tracks! Would you mind giving me your bondmate?"
"Soundwave isn't here."
"Where is he?"
"In the Internet."
Ratchet:
Were you born in a marriage?"
Starscream:
"Kinda."
"Huh?"
"My father was married, mom wasn't."
In a restaurant. Suddenly, one of the clients falls down to the ground and is not breathing.
Arcee:
"Maybe I should perform CPR?"
Bumblebee:
"There is still a chance that he lives …"
Tracks comes to a pharmacy. Tracks:
"I want something to help me with insomnia."
Bumblebee:
"Like what?"
"Like a pregnancy test."
Soundwave screams in a store:
"I need a pack of matches!"
Bumblebee:
"Stop screaming, I am not deaf! Do you want Marlboro or Pall Mall?"
Back in high school. Arcee:
"… and then I whisper to Warpath that I am not wearing any underwear."
Elita One:
"What, why?"
"Well I read in one magazine that doing that will turn malebots on."
"What did he say?"
"Are you stupid? How could you forget underwear?"
Arcee:
"Optimus, if I jump into a river, will you save me from drowning?"
Optimus:
"If I say yes, will you jump?"
A nudist beach. In order to avoid any burns to his spike, Soundwave covered it up with a hat. Arcee walks by. Arcee:
"Excuse me, if you were a real gentleman, you would raise your hat."
Soundwave:
"If you were a real lady, it would raise all by itself."
Soundwave:
"Inquiry: Tracks, where were you?"
Tracks:
"Ummm …"
"The Internet history has been cleared and the firewall databanks are suspiciously empty …"
Tracks is looking for presents for his grown up Rumble and Frenzy. Tracks:
"Excuse me, what would you recommend as a present for two seventeen year-old boys?"
Bumblebee:
"Two seventeen year-old girls."
Starscream;
"What would I need to do to you to get you to love me?"
Megatron:
"Apply anesthetics."
Back in high school. Arcee:
"So I found this guy Starscream on this dating site …"
Everybody else:
"Really?"
"Yeah, he said that he prefers to interface for money. From his pictures it kinda looks like he will be paying …"
Bumblebee:
"Hey! Soundwave! I taught your daughter to, um, fweet fweet fweet, um, whistle!"
Arcee and Elita One went out for a girls' night out and they are already sitting at a bar and talking. Hot Rod:
"Hey, Smokescreen, a beer for the ladies."
Arcee and Elita One didn't feel like starting anything with anyone so they decided to pretend like they are lesbians. Arcee:
"We are lesbians."
Hot Rod:
"What's that?"
"We love only women."
"Hey! Smokescreen! Three beers for us, lesbians!"
Soundwave noticed that Flipsides' belly got a little more round. Soundwave:
"Inquiry: Shockblast, will you marry Flipsides or not?"
Shockblast:
"I have a choice?"
Starscream:
"Where did you find that ugly thing?"
Tracks:
"He is not ugly and he bought me an island on Hawaii!"
"Where did you find that beautiful and majestic creature?"
Back in high school. Arcee:
"Excuse me, do you have any pregnancy tests?"
"We have these, this and that."
"Oh, do you have anything cheaper?"
"There are chamomiles right behind the store …"
Warpath and Mirage are talking. Warpath:
"I am handsome and smart."
Mirage:
"Indeed. Why don't you get married?"
"I am smart."
Tracks, lecherously:
"Soundwave, I bought new underwear, guess what is says on it."
Soundwave:
"Made in China."
Tracks, blushing:
"How did you know?"
Megatron:
"Straxus, do look at that! I got Starscream a new dress!"
Straxus:
"Megatron! Do look at that! I got a whole new girlfriend!"
Slipstream:
"Hey, Skywarp, let's go over to my house."
Skywarp:
"All right."
They go to her house and go inside her room. Slipstream:
"We gotta be quiet, my mom is Chief of Police and my dad is a general in the army."
Skywarp, thinking, freaking out:
"Scary!"
"We gotta be really quiet, my brother just came back from black-ops training."
"Scary!"
"Hey, Skywarp, want an unforgettable night?"
Skywarp, calming down, with a glint of hope:
"Y-yes."
"HELP! I AM GETTING RAPED!"
Arcee is trying to flirt with Wheeljack while he's working. Arcee:
"So, what are you studying?"
Wheeljack:
"Quantum mechanics."
"Oh, the mathematical description of the particle and wave duality of matter and energy using wave functions, encapsulating probabilities of what state any given system can be found in at any given point in time, incorporating the uncertainty principle into it? Oh, I don't know anything about that stuff …"
Tracks:
"Soundwave, let's set up some goals now that we have kids."
Soundwave:
"Inquiry: like what?"
"Well, for one, let's stop drinking …"
"Crap!"
"You can be impossible sometimes! The other thing was not to swear …"
Soundwave comes home, slightly disturbed. Tracks:
"What wrong?"
Soundwave:
"Look."
Shows Tracks the back of his jeans and the brand said 'Soundy Wave'. Tracks:
"So?"
"Six people at work said that I picked the jeans up according to my name."
"Uh-huh …"
"Six people at work look at my aft!"
At some point Tracks and Soundwave decided to teach Rumble and Frenzy how to drive. Soundwave chose to teach Rumble and Frenzy went off with Tracks. After a while. Frenzy:
"Mommy! Am I driving properly?"
Tracks:
"Did you see that mech in a mini-skirt?"
"No."
"Sorry, son, you still need to learn."
Tracks:
"Take example from me! I am married and I love the same man for over 20 years!"
Flipsides:
"I wonder what daddy would say once he finds out."
Arcee:
"Optimus! I decided to lose weight!"
Optimus:
"Really? Noticeable."
"Really?"
"Yes, your eyes are hungry."
Flipsides is flirting with Warpath. Warpath:
"Wait, how old are you?"
Flipsides:
"13!"
"Holy slag!"
"Well, aren't we a little superstitious …"
Soundwave's first romance:
"Fembots love with ears."
Elita One:
"What?"
"Fembots love with ears."
"What?"
"Urgh …"
The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)
Tracks gets into the car with Soundwave. Soundwave:
"I have a problem."
Tracks:
"What is it?"
Soundwave turns on some music:
"… baby smile baby smile baby laughing baby crying …"
Tracks, coming out of the stupor:
"When the frag did you have the time to do that?"
Soundwave:
"I think the rear speaker is off …"
Arcee:
"Optimus used to call me sweetie, honey, bunny …"
Elita One:
"And now?"
"He remembered my name …"
Optimus:
"Arcee's feet are like a gazelle's."
Hound:
"Thin and elegant?"
"Hairy."
Arcee:
"Once we get married, we will have three kids."
Optimus:
"How do you know?"
"They are all living at my mom's."
Arcee:
"Help! I am drowning!"
Seaspray rushes to save her. Arcee:
"No, not you, I am screaming to Optimus …"
Arcee:
"It is hard for us, fembots."
Optimus:
"How?"
"When we rip off the waxing off our feet …"
"So that's where scarves come from!"
Optimus comes back from the army and passes by Alpha Trion tending to his garden. Optimus:
"Hey! Alpha Trion! Give me the biggest rose you have!"
Alpha Trion:
"For Arcee?"
"Yes."
"She is married."
"Really? Give me two then!"
Optimus' son:
"Daddy, how do people catch crazy people?"
Optimus, sighing:
"With make-up, dresses and smiles."
Elita One;
"So, Arcee, did you get that Visa you wanted?"
Arcee, sighing:
"No."
"Why not?"
"In the part where it said 'Do not fill out' I put 'all right'."
Hot Rod:
"Arcee, you are so beautiful, I want to write poetry for you …"
Arcee:
"Freaking muse …"
Optimus:
"Arcee, I have a confession to make."
Arcee:
"You are going bankrupt?"
"I am married."
"Oh, pft, don't scare me like that!"
Courtroom. A rape case. Prowl:
"How did it happen?"
Arcee:
"He crudely took off my clothes and began raping me."
"How?"
"He was on the bottom and I was on top …"
Arcee:
"I want to buy a bike."
Elita One:
"At your age you should worry about buying a bassinette."
"I would look really stupid in a bassinette …"
Tracks calls up his mom. Tracks:
"Mom! I finally have a bondmate!"
Tracks' mom:
"Oh! Congratulations!"
"It's a he."
"Oh, we don't mind if it is a malebot, as long as you are happy."
"He is a Decepticon."
"We are not racist."
"We got nowhere to live."
"You can come stay with us in our one bedroom apartment!"
"We have many kids."
"Your dad and I love kids!"
"Where would you guys sleep?"
"Dad will move to the living room."
"And you?"
"Oh, don't worry about me, I will go hang myself."
Hot Rod:
"You and me are so similar! I am afraid of the same things that you are!"
Firestar:
"You are afraid of getting pregnant?"
Springer:
"Can you imagine those fembots? They are putting on make-up while driving! I almost dropped my razor in my coffee!"
Tracks:
"Soundwave, I love you."
Soundwave:
"Tracks, I love you too but I don't know for how long I will be able to love you."
"What? Are you sick?"
"No, I got unlimited Internet …"
Optimus:
"I am so tired of your questions!"
Arcee:
"Why?"
Wheeljack:
"Hey, Perceptor, what do you do when you see a nice looking mech that tickles your fancy?"
Perceptor, shying away:
"I download them …"
Arcee:
"Hey, Optimus, you want to get married?"
Optimus:
"I don't want to get married, I want to eat! I am hungry!"
"So you will eat at the wedding!"
Kup in a chat room with Arcee. Arcee:
"So, why are we not talking?"
Kup:
"Want me to translate that from fembot?"
"Sure."
"I want to talk but I don't know what about so why don't you come up with a topic, you are the malebot here."
Arcee:
"At first I thought that all malebots are morons."
Optimus:
"And now?"
"Then I met you."
"And?"
"Now I know I was wrong, you are the only moron."
Optimus:
"Arcee, why are you so angry? Did you fall from the broom?"
Ironhide:
"Hey, Optimus, did you ever get a prostitute?"
Optimus:
"Yes, she came over, we talked a little bit and then I remembered why I divorced her 2 years ago."
Hot Rod to Optimus:
"Hey, Arcee told me such a funny joke that I fell off the bed …"
First few days on Earth (Hound didn't hook up with Mirage yet) and he climbs Mount Everest. Hound:
"Hey hey hey hey!"
Echo:
"Gay gay gay!"
"Hay hay hay hay!"
"Gay gay gay gay!"
"Ok, I think you are trying to tell me something …"
Arcee, praying:
"… give me wisdom to understand malebots, give me patience to change for him, don't give me strength, I will kill him …"
Kup:
"In case of an emergency, Rodimus has a tactical chamomile …"
Optimus wakes up in the middle of the night from someone screaming. Optimus:
"What the hell is all that noise?"
Arcee:
"Come look!"
Optimus comes to the window and they hear that the screaming is coming from the apartment where Perceptor and the lambotwins lived. Optimus:
"Is he giving birth?"
"He is getting pregnant."
Arcee:
"Hey! Elita, how do you like my new dress?"
Elita One:
"Sorry I can't get into a fight right now …"
"Hey, wanna talk about Wheeljack's inventions?"
"Maybe we should get to know each other better first?"
"Hi, name's Wheeljack."
Perceptor went to a science conference where he meets a human. Human:
"Hey, beautiful, want to talk about the Hadron Collider?"
Perceptor:
"Maybe we should get to know each other first?"
"Greetings, name's Hadron …"
Tracks:
"Soundwave, you see this picture?"
Soundwave:
"Affirmative."
"At 3 p.m. you will pick her up from kinder garden."
Ratchet:
"Well, Optimus, I don't see anything wrong, you don't drink or smoke. Try to cut your sex life in half."
Optimus:
"Should I stop talking about it or thinking about it?"
Arcee:
"I lost weight!"
Optimus:
"Did you finally shave?"
Wheeljack and Perceptor are hanging out when Wheeljack's phone rings. Wheeljack:
"Hello? Yes, bunny. Of course, bunny. Yes, I will get it on my way back, bunny. As you say, bunny. All right, see ya, bunny!"
Perceptor:
"Ratchet?"
"Why the hell did I make a talking rabbit …"
Elita One:
"Does Optimus say that he exercises?"
Arcee:
"Ya, I ask him if he is, he says yes, then I ask him if he is lying, he says yes …"
"At least he is not lying."
Kup comes out of a strip club, optics wide open, slightly disturbed:
"I have never seen people do such shameful things. Think I will go watch a little more …"
Arcee is chatting over a dating site. Arcee:
"Hey."
Other side:
"Hey."
"What's your name?"
"Bob, you?"
"Arcee."
"Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too! Want to see my photo?"
"Sure."
"Here. So, what sports do you like?"
"Boxing."
"Oh! You can protect me then!"
"Ick-Yaks don't have natural predators …"
Arcee:
"Ratchet, I want to lose some weight."
Ratchet:
"All right, I will prescribe some carbon to you."
"Powdered or in pills?"
"In bags, you will be unloading bags of charcoal."
Hot Rod:
"Hey, Arcee, want me to lick your pussy cat?"
"I don't have a pussy cat."
"Huh?"
"I have a cat, want to lick him?"
"What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"
Hot Rod:
"Here comes Huffer, whoever he greets first is a moron."
Huffer:
"Hey everybody!"
Arcee:
"Mrow."
Optimus:
"Hey kitty cat, want me to rub your head?"
"No."
"Arms?"
"No."
"Legs?"
"No."
"Neck?"
"No."
"Tummy?"
"No."
"Back?"
"No."
"Where then?"
"Anywhere you want."
Optimus:
"Arcee is pregnant."
Ironhide:
"Congratulations!"
"Thank you!"
"So who do you want?"
"Boy."
"Why?"
"I want a remote controlled helicopter."
Arcee:
"Mom! I don't think I like your recipe for the porridge."
Arcee's mom:
"Sweetie, first you take the porridge, then you boil it …"
"Right! Boil it!"
Arcee:
"What do you like most about me: my beautiful face or my curvy body?"
Optimus:
"Your sense of humor."
Optimus:
"Are you mad?"
Arcee:
"No, I am just going to get an axe …"
Under The Degree (G1)
Kup, drunk:
"Some people are like dogs, they run after things and once they catch up to them, they have no fragging clue what the hell to do with them."
Optimus:
"I want someone caring, loving, fun and awesome."
Tracks:
"Well …"
Kup, drunk:
"I don't think you are allowed to marry 4 people at once …"
Hot Rod:
"Arcee is so, um, so, eh, so, well, I saw her and um, my pants got, ahem, tighter."
Kup, drunk, squints, after a short pause:
"From the front or from behind?"
Hot Rod:
"What do you call a mech that interfaces for money?"
Kup, drunk:
"A prostitute."
Trailbreaker:
"What do you call a mech that interfaces for other purposes than money?"
Kup, drunk:
"Tracks."
Tracks:
"Hey!"
"A whore."
Springer:
"What about a mech that does it for pleasure?"
"A lover."
Optimus:
"What about without pleasure?"
"Arcee."
Arcee:
"Hey!"
Kup, drunk:
"Wife."
Prowl and Blitzwing are patrolling the roads at night when suddenly they see a flipped over car and Arcee standing right next to it. Blitzwing goes out to assess the damage and Prowl asks the questions. Prowl:
"What the hell happened here?"
Arcee, slightly tipsy:
"Well, I was driving when suddenly I see a tree on the road. I turn left, the tree is there. I turn right, the tree is there. So I turned even harder and that is how I flipped my car."
Prowl:
"There are no trees around for kilometers!"
Blitzwing:
"It was an air freshner!"
Kup, drunk:
"A man's talent of bullshitting arises when coming home in the morning."
Kup, drunk:
"Try describing Tracks or Arcee with your hands behind your back."
Springer, tipsy:
"A fembot is a mystery …"
Kup, drunk:
"Especially from your bondmate."
Kup, drunk:
"Fembots make a number of mistakes while malebots only 2: everything they say and everything they do."
Kup, drunk:
"Every fembot needs a mystery to them, a hint and the solution."
Kup, drunk:
"A well-mannered fembot shouldn't chase after guys, where have you seen a mousetrap chase a mouse?"
Grimlock:
"So Grimlock got a little sick yesterday, a runny nose."
Kup:
"And?"
"What does Kup mean, and? Grimlock boil some potatoes, put with Grimlock under blanket and grabbed a bottle of vodka. That is Grimlock's new sauna!"
Kup, drunk:
"Love is not when someone brings you roses and you smell them, love is when someone talks to you about quantum mechanics and you listen."
Kup, drunk:
"If a malebot is ready to do anything for a fembot, they truly love her. If a fembot is ready to do anything for a malebot, it means they gave birth to them."
Trailbreaker:
"How do you call a guy who dresses up really nicely?"
Tracks:
"Well …"
Kup, drunk:
"Homosexual."
Tracks:
"Hey!"
Kup points at Soundwave.
Tracks:
"Damn it."
Kup, drunk:
"Don't you just hate it when a fembot is watching TV, falls asleep and when you change the channel they wake up and scream at you because they were watching it?"
Arcee, drunk:
"Children are our happiness and malebots are our weakness. Just for one moment, let your guard down and you will be happy for the rest of your life."
Kup, drunk, sarcastically:
"A fembot is an elegant, defenseless creature from which there is no salvation."
Kup, drunk:
"Only widows know for sure where their husbands are."
Kup, drunk:
"Malebots really need two things: a fembot and a vacation from fembots."
Kup, drunk:
"If a fembot tells you she hates you, that means she loves you but you are a dumbass."
Kup, drunk:
"A fembot driving is like a star. You see her but she doesn't see you."
Kup, drunk:
"Who says that there are no more gentlemen? The other day I saw a guy hold an umbrella for his wife who was changing a flat tire."
Kup, drunk:
"Fembots, don't take a million years to put on some clothes. If you put on a mini-skirt, no guy will ever think that your shoes don't go with your purse."
Kup, drunk:
"In elementary schools, boys hit girls on their heads and then they wonder why the beautiful girls are so stupid …"
Wheeljack, thinking about his next project:
"Hm, what is the loudest plucking instrument …"
Kup, drunk:
"Try plucking Cliffjumper's aft …"
Kup, drunk:
"Fembots can keep secrets … in groups of 40."
Kup, drunk:
"A financially successful malebot is the one who gets more money than his fembot wastes."
Kup, drunk:
"What malebots sleep with throughout their lifetime:
5 – with a pacifier
10 – with a teddy bear
15 – with a book
20 – with a dream
20 – 30 – with the wife
30 – 40 – with the lover
40 – 50 – with anyone
50 – 60 – with a warmer
60+ - with closed windows."
Kup, drunk:
"They lived happily ever after until they met each other."
New Year's Eve. Arcee:
"Tell me something nice about me!"
Optimus, drunk:
"You are beautiful like the New Year's Morning …"
Author's Notes:
Issue 35, I hope you guys enjoyed!
I still have a whole bunch of those ready to be posted~ I wonder if I will ever run out of these things?
Mass Effect 3 is actually better than I expected, I haven't gotten to the ending yet but I think I speak for everyone when I say that it's better in terms of game-play than its predecessors. The story is not really all that bad, not perfect but it got its moments. On my list of video games to play there is only Dragon Age 3 and Fall of Cybertron left, after those ... I am making another push to quit.