Chapter Thirty Eight:
Getting Through the Pain
He could already hear the small child's wails.
"Caleb," he called.
The toddler turned extending his hands to Grissom, gripping his neck once he was in his father's arms again as he cried.
"It's okay Caleb," he soothed.
"Momma hurt…momma hurt," he cried. "Momma…Momma…Momma…Momma."
Catherine grabbed the blanket that had fallen to the floor.
Grissom wrapped the small child into the blanket, whispering softly to him.
"Dada is here," he soothed.
A doctor appeared. "Mr. Grissom, I think it would be best if we gave Caleb something."
"No."
"He's obviously traumatized."
"Yes, he is. He saw his mother brutally attacked. He's scared…just like me. He just needs to see his mother…I do too."
"She's in recovery."
"Could I just let him see her?" asked Grissom.
"Not until she's placed in a room," stated the doctor as he walked away.
A nurse hurried to Grissom, whispering in his ear. "If you follow me, I'll let you see her for a minute."
He whispered softly to Caleb. "Mommy is sleeping. We have to be quiet."
He wasn't prepared to see the ventilator.
The hideous noise made his stomach churn and he thought he would vomit as he held fast to the child.
"She's doing very well," assured the nurse. "This is just a precaution…because of the stab wounds in her lungs."
He nodded, not sure if he could talk.
He brought Caleb to the side of the bed.
Caleb leaned over extending his hands.
"She can't hold you Caleb."
"Kiss Mommy?" he asked.
The small child kissed Sara, his small hands patting her head.
Grissom leaned over kissing her on the forehead. "I love you, Sara," he whispered.
They returned to the lobby, sitting down in one of the chairs.
"Gil, we brought something from the cafeteria," whispered Catherine.
Greg coaxed the little boy to sit in his lap, in order to watch the portable DVD player he brought.
Greg slipped in the DVD.
It was a video recording of the baby shower.
Caleb smiled, kissing the screen.
"Momma," he said.
"Yes, Momma," answered Greg.
The child began to eat as he watched the screen.
"Thank you, Greg," whispered Grissom.
"It's over an hour of footage," he offered.
Grissom stood, not wishing to see the video.
We've lost our little girl…
Mikayla is gone…
He needed to get away but knew he could not go far for fear Caleb would fly into hysterics.
The small child's eyes glanced between the video screen and Grissom.
He smiled sadly at his son as he went to the window, wishing he could find a place to fall apart.
He had not been prepared for the ventilator.
Caleb did not even notice it but sought his mother's face.
Get a grip, Grissom…
Sara is there in that bed…
She can sense your presence…
She's not gone…
She can't be really gone…
Catherine could sense Grissom's turmoil.
Silently she stood beside him.
"Gil…we heard about the ventilator," she whispered. "The nurses say it's just for precautions."
He nodded but then covered his mouth with his hand to stifle the sob that threatened to escape.
"Caleb doesn't understand how close we came to losing her," he finally got out.
Catherine's hand rested on his shoulder.
"Every update has been positive," she urged.
"I walked in there and saw…the ventilator and…all I could think was…" he didn't finish turning away to hide his grief.
Catherine glanced toward Brass.
Minutes later Brass appeared by their side with coffee.
Grissom's trembling hands took the cup as he shuffled away from them, wanting to be alone.
"How is he doing?" whispered Brass.
"He's scared of losing Sara. He scared for Caleb and Caleb is scared…Jim, has there been another update?" she sighed.
He shook his head.
Hours passed.
Caleb lay sleeping on the small couch, covered with a blanket.
"Gil, you should try to sleep," whispered Catherine.
"I can't. Why won't they let me see her?" he griped. "I need to be with her when she wakes. I need to be the one to tell her about Mikayla…not some stranger."
"Gil… she is going to wake up," she said pressing her hand on his arm.
He grabbed her pulling her tight against him.
"She's a fighter…she's going to be alright," soothed Catherine.
"I don't want to lose her, Catherine," he sobbed.
"You won't," she urged.
"I don't know what to do about Caleb…he needs her. I'm so afraid I may never see her again."
"You're going to see her soon. Caleb just needs to feel safe…to know you're not going anywhere."
"Do you think…I did the right thing by not letting the doctor give him something?"
"It would have only made him sleep. He's sleeping. He's surrounded by people who love him. Don't second guess yourself. I never told you this but you're a wonderful father."
He sprang to his feet when the nurse appeared.
"You can sit with her," offered the nurse.
Grissom glanced at the sleeping child.
"Go," urged Catherine. "If he starts to wake, we'll come and get you."
He slipped into the chair, taking her hand as he took in the sight of her battered body.
He asked the nurse over and over when she would wake.
He needed her to wake.
He pleaded for her to wake while he cried for their baby girl that was now gone.
Hours drifted by and soon the ventilator was gone.
He slipped in and out of the chair between the waiting area and her room comforting Caleb as best as he could.
The nurses let him slip Caleb in a few times which seemed to ease the young child.
She finally woke the next day, her hands instinctively going to her abdomen.
It felt strange.
Her eyes opened and looked into very tired red rimmed blue eyes.
"Caleb?"
"He's fine. He's sleeping in the waiting room," he whispered, thankful she was finally awake.
Her hands felt her abdomen once more.
"Mikayla…where is Mikayla?" she choked.
He couldn't say the words he had been rehearsing.
He opened his mouth but then shut it as he gathered her into his arms and they wept together.
She was silent, much too silent the first several hours as if in shock.
"Sara, we need you," he urged. "Caleb and I need you…so much, honey."
Grissom brought Caleb into the room.
Grissom placed the child in the bed beside Sara.
Her arms enveloped him.
"Missed Momma," Caleb cried.
"I'm here, Caleb," she whispered.
She grabbed Grissom's hand as if she needed to feel him as well.
He caressed her palm.
"I'm here, Sara," he soothed.
Her hand rarely left Grissom's.
Both needed the physical contact as they struggled to get through the loss.
He rarely left her side while she slowly recovered.
She leaned on him as they listened to the solemn words of the minister.
Caleb was oblivious to what was going on as he sat in Sara's lap.
While others offered to take the child, she kept him close, fearful of letting him go far from her sight.
He clung to her, needing reassurance that she was not going to leave him.
Grissom rubbed the child's back as his other arm wrapped around Sara.
She had barely said five words and he worried about her.
She had cried until there were no more tears, almost welcoming the numbness.
Grissom wiped at his eyes as he pulled her closer, shivering from the cold.
A warm blanket was tossed around them as they sat at the gravesite.
It was cold and yet Sara did not feel the cold, her eyes on the tiny casket.
The wind was blowing the flowers in different directions.
The minister's voice stopped and she felt a nudge as Grissom forced her to stand.
She stepped to the casket, placing her hand on the cold metal top.
"Sleep my sweet," she whispered. "Mommy loves you."
Her knees would have buckled if he had not been by her side.
She was so very tired as Grissom handed Caleb to Greg.
He whined slightly but then Greg whispered softly easing the child's fear.
Grissom's arms supported Sara as she was led back to the vehicle.
Within an hour, she was home again as if nothing had happened except she had buried a part of herself.
She would cry if she could but instead gave her attention to Caleb.
The others came to the house.
They whispered softly, not sure how to comfort the family.
Grissom set the small child down.
He immediately went to his play bag.
Grissom's hand squeezed hers as she looked around the room.
"Can I get you anything?" he asked.
She shook her head.
Caleb dragged the teddy bear by his side as he walked about.
"Can we do anything?" asked Catherine.
Again, she shook her head.
There were several things that needed to be done.
The dishes were left in the sink.
Clothes were piling up and nothing had been cooked since Sara came home from the hospital.
They had remained hidden away upstairs, all but abandoning the downstairs area.
It had been thoroughly cleaned and there was no trace that anything horrific had happened there but they knew.
Since her release from the hospital, Grissom had not left her side.
She knew he needed to return to the lab just as she knew these things needed to be done but there was a slight problem.
She could not bring herself to walk through the kitchen to the laundry room and therefore the clothes remained dirty along with the dishes from the quick meals Grissom had prepared for them.
It angered her that she was not stronger than this, not wanting to let Vincent hurt her any more than he had already done.
Caleb still hovered near the entrance, refusing to go inside the kitchen.
The first time Grissom brought him into the kitchen he had screamed as if in pain, kicking and screaming until Grissom had released him, letting him run to the master bedroom, crying for Sara.
Sara was not much better.
She felt as if she couldn't breathe in the room, scurrying away, not wanting to remember what had been lost there on the floor.
Sara could still see Caleb's frightened face as he looked down at her body on the floor.
She had wanted to comfort him but had lost consciousness leaving the child to run for help.
Even Grissom had a difficult time, still remembering the sight of the bloodied footprints Caleb had made throughout the house.
If he closed his eyes he could still see Sara lying on the floor fighting for her life.
Grissom wrapped his arms tight around Sara.
"The last thing I remember…is Caleb's eyes…looking down at me," she whispered.
They could hear Caleb playing with Greg.
"Sara…it's going to take time," he whispered.
She nodded.
She had remained in her room the first day she had returned home, unable to bear the emptiness within her.
She didn't know what to do with her hands as they roamed to her midsection, finding it flat.
It was those times when she burst into tears unable to put into words the lost within her.
He knew she was thinking of Mikayla.
It was all he thought about these days.
The others had kept their distance, letting them mourn in private.
Caleb's eyes shot over to Sara who forced a smile.
He returned the smile as he continued to play.
"Come…and lie down," he whispered.
She let him guide her to the master bedroom, knowing Caleb would feel better if she remained close.
He pulled back the covers, removing her shoes as she slipped under the covers.
"Do you need anything?" he asked.
"You should…be with them," she said.
"They're here for us…they understand," he replied.
His hand stroked her hair as she closed her eyes.
"How…long do you think…he was alone?" she asked for the hundredth time.
"A few minutes," he answered.
"He's so…scared, Gil," she choked.
"It will fade. He'll see that you're safe and home and…" he stopped, trying to hold back a sob.
"I don't want him to be like me. I still remember my father's death as if it were yesterday…the cast off blood drops, the officer puking, my mother in hysterics….and the feel of the woman's hand when she led me away. I don't want him to remember any of this."
"He won't," Grissom urged, praying he was right.
She stifled a sob, covering her mouth as he choked down his own.
"I…miss her too," he managed to get out.
"I don't know…how to get past this…this feeling of…I buried a part of myself. She's now in the cold ground and I'll never get to hold her," she cried.
He pulled her into his arms.
His lips descended on hers. "Just rest," he urged as his fingers fumbled with her top, needing to reassure himself that the wounds were still healing.
His fingers traced the reddened area.
Each cut was small but they had almost cost Sara her life.
He had been by her side or with Caleb through the past few weeks.
It had been the most grueling weeks of his life as he juggled with the care of their son and Sara, focusing on her release from the hospital.
They had been grateful that the morgue held Mikayla's small body until Sara was able to attend the funeral.
He had refused to give in to the pain of the loss knowing that Sara needed him more than ever now and he would not fail her.
She calmed, letting his warm hands soothe her.
His lips dipped down and kissed her.
He stepped away from the bed but his hand still held hers. "I'll just check on Caleb," he whispered not sure if he should leave her alone.
Her fingers slipped from his, giving him permission to check on their son.
He glanced nervously toward the other room.
"He needs to see one of us," she pressed.
He smiled sadly as he headed toward the living room.
"Don't close the door," she urged. "I need to hear him."
Grissom stepped into the living room.
He sat down on the couch letting Caleb crawl into his lap.
The others took matters into their own hands.
Warrick removed the trash from the kitchen while Nick and Greg washed up the few dishes and then turned their attention on the small child who currently sat with Brass while he read a book to him.
Catherine carried a basket of clothes from the laundry room and placed them in the living room.
Grissom smiled at Caleb, reassuring him he was safe while he interacted with the others.
With each interaction Caleb glanced to Grissom and then at the master bedroom for approval, needing to know that she was nearby.
An hour passed.
She struggled to get up, wincing from the pain as she checked on Caleb.
He seemed content to play with the others.
Boldly, she walked into the kitchen, forcing herself to open the fridge but her hands trembled as she tried to pull out a bottle of water, dropping it on the floor.
She bent to get it but froze now standing at the very place where she had almost died.
If it was not for Caleb and Grissom, she would have died, would still want to die but they grounded her; kept her from wanting to be with Mikayla.
She slipped to the floor, leaning her body against the cabinet as she wept.
Grissom slid down beside her, pulling her into his lap as he held her.
The others felt helpless as the couple cried for their lost child.
Caleb toddled to the entrance.
"Momma?"
Sara extended her hands and he ran to her, hugging her fiercely before crying with them echoing their sorrow.
"Caleb scared," he cried.
"Caleb safe," she whispered as she kissed him.
"Momma sad," he said.
"Momma sad," she admitted.
"Dada sad," he said.
"Dada sad," Grissom admitted.
"Baby?" he asked.
It was the first time he had asked about Mikayla.
New sobs tore through Sara as she pressed her body into Grissom's.
"Baby gone," whispered Grissom.
"Baby back?" he asked.
"Baby is in heaven, Caleb. Baby is not coming back," Grissom explained.
"Baby Heaven?" Caleb asked.
"Yes," whispered Grissom.
"No see baby?" he asked.
Grissom shook his head.
"Momma sad…baby?" he asked.
"Yes Caleb. Momma sad because baby is gone," sniffled Grissom.
Caleb's small hands cupped Sara's face as he kissed her over and over.
"Love Momma," said Caleb as he snuggled into her lap.
Sara kissed him, not able to talk through the sobs.
The guys sat in the living room along with Brass.
Catherine quietly ushered the others to the door.
She and Brass remained, not venturing near the kitchen.
The family sat quietly for an hour on the floor huddled together.
They were far from healing, knowing that it would be a long process.
Caleb had fallen asleep, still clutching Sara's blouse.
Grissom kissed Sara's forehead. "Let's get him to bed."
Gently he eased them from his lap, ignoring the shooting pain in his knees as he finally stood, bending over to take the child from Sara's arms.
She rose slowly, mindful of the healing injuries to her body.
Grissom caressed the palm of her hand.
She slipped her hand from his, needing to get away.
His eyes followed her to the master bathroom, hearing the door click.
He wrapped his arms tight around the sleeping child, placing kisses on his cheek as he took the child to bed.
He turned on the baby monitor once he was sure Caleb was asleep.
His hand rested on the door of the baby room.
He could not bring himself to go in there.
"I miss you Mikayla," he mourned.
His resolve broke as he leaned against the door, releasing his grief.
Catherine stood at the top of the stairs with the basket of clean clothes.
She had never seen him so broken.
She stood unmoving, not wishing to interfere.
He stopped, wiping his face across his sleeve as he took in a gulp of air.
He turned and came face to face with Catherine.
"I thought I would bring these up," she said softly.
Grissom busied himself, putting the clothes into the dressers.
"Gil…is there anything else we can do?" she asked.
"No thank…you Catherine," he managed to get out.
"If you need anything…call me," she offered.
He nodded.
He shook hands with Brass, feeling awkward at the gesture.
"Call me," offered Brass.
"Thanks," he said as he shut the door, gulping in air.
It had been hard burying Mikayla.
During the funeral, she appeared to be sleeping, wrapped in the blanket he had chosen for her.
He had pressed Sara's face into his shoulder when they closed the casket, closing his eyes himself.
Both were heartbroken over the loss.
The bathroom door was now open and she stepped out freshly showered, wearing a robe.
Side by side they took the stairs.
It was still difficult for her but she refused to be far from Caleb.
He molded his body to hers as they lay in bed.
The tears began again.
"I'm sorry," she choked. "I can't seem to stop."
"You're mourning," he whispered.
"I…feel so empty, Gil…like I'm never going to be whole again."
"I…know," he gulped.
She turned, ignoring the pain, needing to see his face.
"She looked so much like you," he whispered. "When I held her at the hospital I imagined seeing her walk, watching her as she went to school for the very first time, her first kiss, her first date, the first time she came in late making us worry…and then graduation, watching her drive away…then walking her down the aisle…letting her go," he choked.
"I keep telling myself to breathe…afraid I'm going to forget when the pain is too much. I don't know what I would do…without Caleb…and you," cried Sara.
"We'll get through this," he whispered. "Over time Caleb will….forget. His fear will be gone…and it won't hurt as much for us."
Her hand caressed his cheek. "I love you, Grissom."
He kissed her, gently, longingly. "I love you, too."
Note from author:
Sorry for the late posting but I thought I had released this earlier but I guess with the fog of the sinus congestion I missed a step. Thanks for everyone who leaves a review. I have really enjoyed them! There are about 50 chapters.
Take care!