Chapter thirty five

Kendall approved Sloane's plan to take down the Covenant and soon we started preparing things for the operation: evidence I would show Cole that Project Black Hole had all the ingredients for the Rambaldi Elixir; proof that there was a mole inside the Covenant; back up for my meeting with the leaders of the organization; special training to the field agents who would take part in the subsequent raids to every Covenant facility and detailed plans to such raids; technical gear and all other kinds of resources which the mission would require. It will be a huge operation, involving hundreds of agents from the CIA and other intelligence agencies. Kendall estimates two to three months to have everything prepared, which means that by October I should be home again, as he happily announced.

I'm not so sure, though, about the meaning of home anymore. Since I've known about this three-month deadline, I've been wandering around my house, my office and even the streets of Rome saying good bye to the places, the things and the people that make part of my life here. I wish I didn't have to lose them; I don't want to imagine my life without them; and still, it is my job to make sure that I'll leave all this behind, and soon.

Leonid is the first to notice my gloomy mood, and I end up telling him everything at once: the truth about Vaughn, Weiss and Marshall, and the plans to take the Covenant down. As I suspected, he had already figured out the truth about the guys. He asks if I think the operation will go well and my positive answer sounds more like a death sentence.

"You're sad." he notices.

"I'll miss my life here." I explain.

"And your husband." he adds.

"Yes."

"He was your boyfriend, wasn't he? The one you were with before the abduction."

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, Sydney. I'm so sorry for what I did to you – and to him. I wish I could go back in time and make things right." he says, sounding very honest.

"Leonid, if you hadn't abducted me, they would have sent somebody else. And I would most probably be dead by now. So stop feeling guilty." I mean what I say.

"I still wish I could do something for you. You know, to try and remedy the damage I caused."

"You've been a good friend to me, and I thank you for that. What I need, no one can give me; no one can bring back what was lost." I say.

"I guess not…" he starts with a gloomy expression, but then his face lights up "…but maybe not everything you think was lost is really lost!" he says almost cheerfully.

"What do you mean?" I ask, curious.

"You'll see; you'll see." he sounds all cryptical.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

……………………………………….

Vaughn, Weiss and Marshall don't know about the operation yet; Kendall specifically asked me not to tell Weiss and for once I happily obeyed; everything will be different as soon as they know that we are close to the end, and I want things to be normal, just for a little longer – every single day I have here is a gift now, and I don't want to waste any of them.

I spend all the time I have with Vaughn; I touch him, hug him, kiss him as much as I can; I fight sleep every night just to watch him and hear him breathing beside me. I let my fingertips travel on his face, trying to memorize the curve of his jaw, the form of his mouth, the bump on his nose, the cleft in his chin, the texture of his skin and the slightest wrinkles on his forehead. I let my eyes dive into his until I can see the light marks on his irises and that deep green I love so much is engraved into my memory forever; I run my hands through his hair trying to capture that amazing color between blond and brown that makes me think of golden sand beaches. I try to burn his touch in my skin and his image in my mind, just in case.

I still don't know what I'll do after the take down. Kendall and my parents are pretty sure that I'll go back to LA and to my life there, but I know that that life doesn't exist anymore. I lost all my belongings, everything I had in the fire; I lost my friends; I lost my boyfriend; I lost myself – who I was back then. And what I could get back I'm about to lose once more. I try to be strong, I try to believe that I will be fine, but the truth is I don't think I will. And each passing day I feel that going back to LA will only make things worse. I'm afraid of the memories waiting there for me and of the new things I'll find everywhere, and I don't know what will hurt me the most: what remained or what changed. Most of all, though, it is Vaughn what makes me so anxious. It might be a result of my depressive mood, but what seemed almost possible to me in my most hopeful days – that he would still be with me when this all ended; that he would forgive me and tell me that I am still his wife and that he loves me – now sounds like a complete delusion.

In spite of what Weiss and Kendall and my parents say, I'm actually afraid that one day I'll enter the Joint Task Force, surrounded by people I don't know, feeling lonely and out of place, and find Vaughn there with Lauren. She'll probably hate me and he will be on her side. I'll lose my best friend, my ally, along with my husband. I won't be able to confide in him, to tell him my secrets, because he will have responsibilities to his wife. And I will have to accept that this is not my role anymore – that it never was. If anything happens to him, it will be her job to take care of him, not mine. And maybe sometimes he will do something that shows me that he still loves me, but it won't change anything, it will only make me miss him even more. He will be loyal to her and it will kill me because I'll have to respect that. I'll have to love him from the distance, always from the distance, as I watch our lives being wasted. I don't want this for me. On the other hand, though, what option do I have? Not going back? Not seeing him at all? I'm not sure I am strong enough to choose to be away from him. I don't think I ever could.

………………………………………………

Arriving home tonight, I immediately notice that my wedding picture is not on the piano, and in my current mood it really upsets me.

"I dropped it and the frame was broken. I'm sorry." Vaughn says hastily, coming out of the library as soon as he notices that I'm home. "I knew you'd be mad, but nothing happened to the picture, I promise. We'll get another frame and put it back where it belongs, okay?"

"Okay." I say giving him a smile and a kiss. "And I'm not mad."

"Good" he sighs in relief. "So how was your day?"

"Stressful. I'm glad to be home. Is it only the two of us for dinner tonight?" I ask.

"Disappointed?" he sounds truly worried, with his brow furrowed and all.

"Of course not." I say. His expression is still a little clouded, though. "Hey, is something wrong?"

"No." he says, and I'm sure it means a yes. Something is going on.

"Are you hungry?" I ask him.

"Actually, not." he answers.

"Then I have an idea. The night is beautiful: clear sky, a full moon and a blanket of stars. Let's spend sometime outside. You get some wine and glasses; I'll get some candles. Meet you by the fountain." I detail the plan.

"Wow! 'Meet you by the fountain.' Now that's a great sentence." He chuckles.

"Yeah… Don't you love what this place allows us to say?"

"I do. This is a great scenery." he answers, but before I can dwell on his choice of words he is off to get the wine in the cellar and I find it better to go look for the candles.

We spread out a blanket on the lawn in our front yard, next to the seventeenth century fountain. Vaughn sits down on it with his knees bent up and his forearms resting on them. I watch the trembling light from the candles play on his face and his hair as I light some of them around us. He watches my every move. When I'm done, I let my body fall gently against his, cradling myself in this cocoon formed by his legs and his arms, leaning the side of my body on his chest and his stomach, and resting my head under his chin. He puts his arms around me, completely enveloping me in his embrace, and I close my eyes. We have some wine and listen to the water running next to us, and for a long time we remain silent, just enjoying our closeness.

"We do live in a fairy tale, don't we?" he finally says, and I wonder what's on his mind, because his line and his tone are the perfect mixture of enchantment and consciousness, happiness and irony I've heard so many times in my own voice.

"Perhaps we do; but I wouldn't trade it for any different reality." I say.

He pulls back from me a little bit and stare deeply into my eyes; there is no fear in his anymore. I give him a smile. He keeps watching me as I lie down on the blanket, facing him and keeping my eyes locked with his. His hand comes to my face in a sweet caress and a tear slowly forms in my eye and makes its way down my face.

"I love you." he whispers, with the softness of a sigh and the easiness of a breath.

"I love you too." I tell him back.

We don't even touch, not for a long moment, but I can feel him like I never did before.

He is mine.

…………………………………………

Kendall waits for me in the church. For the first time in almost three years, I called the meeting, not him; and it won't be work related. I don't care, though; I just have to know.

"Hello, Kendall. Thanks for meeting me." I greet him.

"Of course. Are you okay, Sydney?" he asks, scrutinizing my face.

"I need to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"Is Vaughn still with Lauren Reed?" I go directly to the point. I've been postponing this way too long.

"Has he ever been?"

"Okay, Kendall, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't need philosophy now; I need an answer – a direct one, based on facts." I say bravely. "Vaughn went away for a couple of days last week. Was he in LA?"

"Yes." He answers and my face falls. "But…" Oh God, there's a 'but'.

"But what, Kendall?"

"He went there to end things with her for good." He says with a smile, and I'm pretty sure this is the first one I see on him.

"He did? So they're over?"

"Well…"

"What, Kendall?! Are you trying a new torture technique on me?"

"No, of course not. You're not letting me explain." He argues.

"So explain."

"Vaughn went to the JTF looking for her. He told her they needed to talk. She suggested that they went out for dinner, but he said he would rather talk right there, so they went to an empty conference room."

"In the JTF?!" I'm shocked, but he glares at me.

"Like you ever respected that place! Like Vaughn didn't tell you that all he could think about during important debriefs regarding SD-6 and the lives of thousands of people was kissing you – right there at the JTF!" he scolds me.

"How the hell do you know that?!" I ask.

"I had every single room in the facility put under audio and video surveillance when I became Assistant Director there – including your 'flirting corner'." he says with a tone.

"God, you're worse than my father!"

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Wait! Is your surveillance equipment still on?"

"Yes." Here comes the second smile.

"So you watched Vaughn and Lauren's conversation!"

"Even better. I recorded it." he announces, pulling a DVD out of his briefcase.

"Uh, okay, Kendall, wait. I'm not sure I want to watch this. Maybe you could just tell me what is in the footage."

"Sydney, trust me. You need to watch this."

"Okay." I take a deep breath as Kendall turns his laptop on and starts the DVD.

The footage begins with Vaughn and Lauren entering what I recognize as one of the briefing rooms in the JTF. Always the gentleman, he opens the door for her, but I notice that he doesn't guide her inside with his hand on the small of her back, as he does with me. As soon as they are inside, she gives him a seductive smile and tries to kiss him. I flinch in my seat, but soon enough Vaughn grabs her arms and stops her.

"Lauren, we need to talk." he says, and his tone is not very kind.

"Of course, love. What is it?" her voice is nauseating.

"This isn't working." he says coldly.

"What?" she plays dumb.

"Us. This isn't working for me." he clears.

"I see…" Now she is pretending to be surprised and hurt.

"I think we should break up." He finishes bluntly.

"This is about Julia, isn't it?" she says after a short silence.

"No, it isn't. This is about us. Our problem." Vaughn says.

"She is our problem. Michael, if you're going to destroy my life the least you can do is be honest about why you're doing it." Way to go, drama queen…

"Fine. I love her. She is my wife and I love her." he says, and his expression softens.

"Sweetheart, be reasonable." It seems that Lauren is going for a new strategy. "She is not your wife. Your marriage is not real. This woman you think you love doesn't even exist; you created her as part of your charade."

"You don't know what you're talking about. My marriage is real. It has always been real."

"Michael, it's an assignment!" she almost laughs and I want to choke her "You are pretending to be married to a terrorist, to a horrible woman who kills people for a living. She is not a loving wife; she is a monster!"

"No. She is the woman I love." He says it with calm and grace, and the assurance of his tone makes me smile.

"Honey, you loved the woman she used to be. You loved Sydney; but Sydney is gone. I'm sorry, but she is gone. You have to understand this; you have to let go of the past. You're with me now; I'm right here; I'm your present; what we have is real." I wonder what Kendall would do to me if I threw is laptop against the wall.

"We don't have anything, Lauren. We never had." he retorts. "My life, my very real life is with my wife. And not who she 'used to be' as you say, but who she was, who she is and who she will be. I've loved her since the first day we met; and I always will." I let out a sigh and Kendall pats my hand.

"Well, if you say so." Her sarcasm is evident. "But aren't you forgetting anything?" she asks with an evil expression.

"What?" his patience is over, I can tell.

"You lied to her. You're not who she thinks you are. You're not Christopher Bailey, you're not a loyal agent to the Covenant, you are not her faithful husband. What do you think she will do to you when she finds out the truth?"

"This is none of your business."

"She will kill you, Michael. You, your friends, your mother, who apparently loves her daughter-in-law. And then she'll be prosecuted as an enemy of Estate and executed. Lovely ending, isn't it?"

"I'm listening no more, Lauren." He heads to the door.

"We are not finished, Michael." She raises her voice, threateningly.

He turns back, looks at her again, but then leaves without saying anything else. She is still furious before leaving the room a couple of minutes later.

"Do you think she might try something against Vaughn? Or us?" I ask Kendall.

"I don't think she is that crazy, but you never know… Just in case, be careful."

I nod.

"But apart from Lauren, what did you think of the footage?" he sounds very interested, maybe a little too much, actually.

"It has excellent quality." I joke.

"Do you think I could be actually invited to the next wedding?" he asks "Breaking in the last one wasn't very glamorous."

"I would invite you, for sure, but I'm afraid I'm already married, Kendall." I answer with a proud smile.

"You are, indeed. And I think you'll remain so, against all odds." he says, and I realize that Vaughn and I have a shipper.