Your suggestions have been considered. I'm not allowed to take requests, but these really aren't, since I've planned on doing a lot of them from the start. Honestly, the majority of the ones you all said were going to make an appearance eventually.
Derpédex Chapter 37: Glaceon
God fucking dammit.
You know what I hate, almost more than anything else in the entire fucking world? The cold. Being hot also sucks ass, but being cold is so much worse. You get too cold, and your fucking limbs start dying. The same thing happens if you get too hot, but you're far more likely to get too cold than you are too hot. And you know what's worse than the fucking cold? When it's fucking cold, and when it's also fucking windy.
And that brings us to Glaceon.
Glaceon is… well, it's Glaceon. It's an eeveelution, so you know it's painfully average, but we're not going to talk about that yet. No, we're going to talk about the misery it's going to bring you. You see, Glaceon likes to hide in the snow. Now, what do you do when you've got an Ice type, but no snow? Why, you make some fucking snow, of course! And where do you put this snow? Why, in your fucking house, of course! It does this at random, too. You'll be at home watching TV or playing video games, and all of a sudden, you're on Hoth. Actually, to be more specific, you're in a walk-in freezer on Hoth. Meanwhile, Glaceon is just staring at you like you're an idiot for not enjoying subzero temperatures as much as it does. Do you feel that weird sensation in your stomach? That would be your balls retreating back up inside of you, because no genitals were meant to experience the torment they are currently being put through.
Know what the worst part about Ice types is? They all fucking melt. All of them, without exception. Vanilluxe melts, Weaville melts, Abomasnow melts, and of course Glaceon melts. You need to pack it up in a fucking cryogenic suit like it's goddamn Mr. Freeze before you can take it for a fucking walk. This brings up a good question; why own an Ice type at all? They're all shit…well, all except Weaville, who's pretty cool, despite the fact that it melts harder than the Wicked Witch standing in a typhoon. More importantly, why own a Glaceon? It's worse than garbage, it can't stand the heat, and it isn't even that cute (this is a fact, by the way, so don't argue).
Eevee, as previously stated, are prissy little bitches who are never satisfied with anything. Unfortunately for all of us, this trait carries over when it evolves into Glaceon. Do people find this trait endearing? Why do I continue to see Glaceon all over the fucking place? Leafeon may be a pussy, but at least it's not bitching all the time…well, unless you're fighting someone, in which case you should both make a truce and beat the fuckshit out of Leafeon before continuing your fight. That's right, I'm officially rating radical pacifists as better than bitches.
You know, it's been a while since I've talked about diet, has it now? That's kind of an important thing to talk about. Maybe I've subconsciously stopped myself from mentioning it because then you wouldn't be able to feed your Pokémon, and then they would die, which would mean less awful Pokémon running around making the world a shitty place. Anyway, Glaceon exists entirely on a diet that even the 1% would be jealous of. Its first meal consists of only the finest bacon and eggs purchased fresh from the nearest organic farm and sorted by hand until only the best remain, with a glass of hand squeezed cranberry juice to wash it down, and the finest grapefruit in the land willed into existence by Arceus itself. Its second consists of only the most expensive caviar in the world, served on a plate made entirely of twenty four karat gold and studded with rubies, diamonds, emeralds, and pieces of the Philosopher's Stone. Its final meal consists of seven bottles of straight vodka, because it's hard being upper-class, and getting so drunk that you literally puke yourself inside out before pissing on a cop is the only way to deal with it. In total, this will cost you the entirety of the gold supply held within Fort Knox, plus the cement used to build Fort Knox, as well as your kitchen sink and your anal virginity (assuming that's still intact, because if it isn't, life just got about a million times harder for you). Or you could just send in a Ghost type to steal all of the food for you, then tell your Glaceon to shut the fuck up when it bitches that it just isn't the same without you going bankrupt first.
It evolves using a fucking rock. Not an evolutionary stone, because that's too goddamn simple. No, it uses a fucking giant boulder instead. That's fucking retarded. If you want a Glaceon, and at this point nobody's quite sure why in the name of ass you would want one, you need to suit up in your winter clothes, and go for a fuckhueg hike to this big ass boulder that exists in…fuck, where does it exist? Nobody seems to know. Some people say Sinnoh, some people say Unova, some people say both. I don't know, pick a spot and hope it's there. Anyway, you get to this spot, you put your Eevee on the rock, you feed it some steroid-flavored candy, and then you go home, where you spend the rest of the day wondering why life is pain. And no, you can't just break off a piece of the rock and bring it home. I'm pretty sure we covered why back when we talked about Leafeon. It makes zero sense, but whatever, it doesn't fucking matter. None of this shit does. You went and got yourself a Glaceon, odds are you can't even understand most of these words I'm writing down. I can't, either. That's why my Espeon decided to be a cool guy for once and write this shit for me. Does that make sense? No? Yeah, I know. I can guess what you're thinking, and I feel the same way.
None of this even scratches the surface of what makes Glaceon so bad, though. Not even a little bit. You want to know the worst thing about Glaceon? The thing that completely overshadows everything else, to the point where it's the only thing that truly matters? Its shiny coloration sucks shit. All it does is invert its colors. Fucking really? That's it? At least make it more noticeable. Espeon turns fucking neon green, and Glaceon looks almost exactly the same. That's complete shit, is what that is. It isn't all bad, though. Glaceon's color shift is still better than Flareon's, Leafeon's, and Jolteon's, and none of them are as bad as Vaporeon. They're still shit, mind you, but they're not shit mixed with blood, vomit, and baby tears, so they're still not at the lowest tier yet.