Today hasn't been the best day. Yesterday was so amazing, and today I feel like I got hit by some sort of depressed, angry bus. I hate these days. They don't happen very often, but when they do, they happen with a vengeance.
I'm feeling so many things.
I feel like I'm not good enough for Quinn. I feel like she deserves something better. I feel like she deserves someone whole, and I'm holding her back because of all the things I can't do. I feel like I should just end things with her so she can be with someone that's as good as she should have.
I feel like it's not fair to her to be stuck with someone like me, because I know she could do better. She told me the other day that she's never been this happy, but what if that wears off? What if she gets to the point where she realizes that she deserves more than what I can give her?
Obviously I'm not going to end things with her, because when I'm in my normal frame of mind I know how lucky I am and how wonderfully amazing she is to have in my life. Even now, I know that. I know that she wouldn't be with me if there was any doubt in her mind whatsoever about whether or not being with me is the right thing to do.
I love her so much, and the thought of not being with her feels like it might break me. I didn't think it was possible to be this in love with someone at my age...aren't these the sort of feelings that take years and years and years to build? I feel like maybe I'm unrealistically in love with her.
I'm just rambling now. I feel like if I just write and write and write maybe I can get it all out there and make myself feel better.
I'm also having those accident-related guilt feelings again. I know they're stupid, and ridiculous, but that doesn't make them any less real. It just makes them hurt more, because I know I shouldn't be having them, and yet...I am.
I've just been sitting in my room for most of the night, trying to push these thoughts out of my mind. I know that the Artie everyone knows and loves isn't some sort of sack of depressed crap, but that's sure what I feel like today.
I know this will pass...I just need to ride it out. I've done it before, and I'll probably have to do it again.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I wonder if that has something to do with how I'm feeling. I have a love-hate relationship with that day.
Quinn said she's got something planned, but she wouldn't say what. She is so wonderful.
Note to self: Man, next time you're feeling depressed, remember that you're so, so lucky to have so many great things in your life. You're pretty well off, and you should appreciate that every day. Don't let stuff get you down.