Disclaimer: I do not own AHS.

A/N: Hey guys! Read your concerns about CH 36, and yes I had uploaded it but then chose to delete it so it's nothing to do with fanfiction bugging out. I'm currently out of state visiting family (and of course I brought my laptop with me so I can get some work done on some scripts I need to do for work—and fics of course lol).
I won't go into much detail on why I deleted it; I was just grouchy and sulky after a conversation with a relative about my career as a screenwriter/novelist. You know how it goes. So in the morning (still angry and very offended) I felt the need to rewrite ch 36 since I wrote the whole thing in like an hour at 2am.
I'd truly like to thank those of you who love DJ; your kind words are absolutely uplifting. You guys have no clue how much I take it to heart when you call me a good writer even though I just write these AHS fics for fun on the side (and especially after the harsh conversation I had regarding my future dreams and plans—which I'm in no way giving up after one person's opinion) it felt good.

Some of you mentioned a bad review and all I have to say is that I accept all of your constructive criticism. As a writer, I've learned to do so and I never take anything bad personal at all. Feel free to voice your opinions, guys. And don't worry, no bad reviews ever cause me to delete or stop working on anything. I'm just grateful you guys even read my stories!

On another note (I promise I'll stop rambling soon). I'd like to shine light once again on the fact that I keep changing the way I spell Lois/Louis ? I noticed when I went to read some of the earlier chapters and face planted right away. Geez. I promise I'll stop doing that and if I change it again don't hesitate to call me out on it haha

Anyway, done with the longest A/N ever written…

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CH 36- The Heavens

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Lana thought a lot about the woman at the bar over the following days. She was honestly amazed at how easy it had been to meet someone and get to such an intimate level with them (even though it was just stolen kisses in the restroom hallways of an underground gay bar deep in the city's underbelly) However, Lana thought a lot about Wendy too and how guilty she had felt about kissing another woman. She felt as if she was somehow betraying Wendy. Lana tried not to feel bad about it because Wendy was dead but she couldn't help but to feel like she was watching up from heaven with a sullen look of utter disappointment and heart break.

Lana had driven herself after work to Wendy's grave in hopes of mending her swollen conscience. She stood before the marble wall and asked for forgiveness.

"I was weak." Were the words that came out of her mouth. She had left her luxurious coat in the car and the February cold pricked her skin and numbed her fingers but the cold didn't bother her. In fact, she let it waken all of her senses.

Lana was awfully hard on herself but she still felt guilty over being the reason Wendy died in the first place. Lana was the one who chose to go to Briarcliff in search of Bloody Face. She had led Oliver to her. But still, she tried to remind herself that Oliver had already been watching her long before that. It seemed almost impossible to stop the chain of events that had unleashed after the first time he saw her pretty face.

How she cursed Oliver Thredson for all the wrong he had done to her and the one she loved. Lana still had nightmares of Wendy's frozen corpse lying next to her on that cold slab of basement floor in Oliver's torture chamber.

Lana thought too about that basement in that house and wondered what had become of it. She couldn't bring herself to drive by it and only hoped that it had burned to the ground.

Lana leaned her forehead against the cold stone. Tears streamed down her face, "If I hadn't gone there, if I hadn't wanted that story so bad…you'd still be here." She sniffled, "I'm so sorry…"

Lana placed her hand on the pearly white wall and pushed away; she read Wendy's name for what had been the thousand time and still couldn't believe that she was gone.

"But if I hadn't…I wouldn't have Johnny." She inhaled the sharp cold air, "Fate wouldn't let me have the both of you…" She let her eyes fall from Wendy's name realizing how unfair that was.

Lana wiped away her tears, not wanting to imagine a life without the boy. Sometimes, during he night, she'd wake up from a strange dream and for a few seconds, felt like she was back in her old house, back before she visited Briarcliff, back when Wendy was still alive. In those few seconds, she'd turn, calling out to Wendy to tell her about the dream but she wouldn't find Wendy, she'd find her little boy, fast asleep at her side instead.

Then suddenly every single memory beginning with her arrival at Briarcliff would wash over her like a flood. It would take Lana a moment to gather herself and keep herself from crying. She would then take her sleeping baby into her arms, not caring if she woke him or not, and held him to her chest, holding him close like some kind of link to reality. Johnny would wake and whine, annoyed that he had been woken but Lana would only hold him, relieved to hear the sound of his voice. She needed to make sure he was real. That she wasn't just dreaming again.

Wendy was gone, but she had her son.

Lana was losing it. She knew she was but couldn't help it. The events she had undergone were bound to have some long-term effects. She couldn't expect to walk away free of any stress or nightmares of her traumatic experiences.

Also, raising a toddler on her own and working full time had her stressed beyond belief. Johnny was getting his second year molars and the process was a slow one. They'd come in, bother him and then he'd feel better. She just wanted the damn things to come in so her little boy wouldn't be so uncomfortable.

And the boy was so needy. He followed Lana wherever she went, putting himself in front of her legs, stopping her from leaving the room. He whined when she didn't pick him up and threw fits and tantrums when he didn't get his way. Lana was just one person doing the job of two. She didn't have the luxury of passing off an angry toddler to her significant other for a five-minute break. She got no breaks. It was utterly exhausting and she was close to snapping.

Raising a toddler had its own challenges. When Johnny was a newborn, he mostly ate and slept. Now, he ate, played, made messes, threw tantrums, climbed everywhere, grabbed everything, scratched, bit, kicked, and demanded attention. Lana couldn't do it all but she did. Somehow, she just did.

Lana wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, "Sorry." She apologized to Wendy's grave. "I know how selfish it is of me to want something so bad." She gave out a soft, surrendering sigh. "But I am not unhappy with my life now." Lana admitted.

If Lana had to choose between Wendy and Johnny—Well, Lana didn't want to think about it because she already knew the answer. She shoved the thought to the farthest corner of her mind and kept it there.

Lana took a step back. She softly brushed the petals of the flowers she had left for Wendy the week before. She didn't know if Wendy's parents even visited her. It looked like the only people who left flowers were Lana herself and her two friends. Wendy's parents probably had their own grave for their daughter, one Lana could not visit.

Lana didn't mind. She couldn't fathom the thought of bumping into Mrs. Peyser again. The last time she had, it hadn't been a pleasant one. But Lana hadn't thought much about the Peysers since that event and now wondered how they were coping without their beloved daughter. They probably didn't seem to care that her daughter had been living with a woman in a romantic way. As far as Lana knew, the way they saw it, their daughter had been innocent and Lana was the one to corrupt her. She just knew Mrs. Peyser imagined her with red horns and a little tail, sneaking into the life of their daughter. Lana scoffed at how ridiculous it sounded.

"I still love you, you know." Lana told the grave after a moment of tormented thought. She knew she had to be much stronger. Her hand dropped from the flowers.

Such words were almost cruel but alas, they were true.

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When Lana arrived at Barb's house, Johnny was in the middle of a tantrum. Barb said his incoming molars were bothering him all day and he was in an awfully bad mood.

As soon as he saw Lana, he ran to her, raising his arms up for her to pick him up.

"Oh, goodness, no. What's the matter?" She picked up the boy and hugged him.

Johnny just cried.

"I know, I know." Lana rubbed his back, "It's the worst. I'm sorry."

Johnny buried his face in her hair.

Barb sighed, "The poor thing. He's been pouty all day."

Lana sighed, "It's his molars. They're coming in."

"Poor baby."

"Didn't give you much trouble, did he?" She continued to rub Johnny's back.

"Oh, nothing I can't handle. Don't you worry."

"And Lois?"

Barb gave out an exasperated sigh. She seemed awfully annoyed with her roommate. "She went out." Of course she left out the part that Lois couldn't handle Johnny's screams all day and decided to leave the house for a little while until the boy calmed down.

Lana nodded not wanting to ask anymore. She understood and didn't blame her friend for it. If she could afford to take those few moments of peace, she would.

"How was Wendy?" Barb asked as she and Lana made their way to the living room and sat down.

Lana silently calmed Johnny down as she settled him on her lap. "Fine." She answered, "As always."

"Were the yellow flowers still there?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad. I thought they'd wither with this terrible weather."

"They weren't too bad off."

There was a moment of silence between the two women. Even Johnny had gone silent.

She and Barb sat in the living room. Johnny stayed clutched to his mother.

"Sometimes I still can't believe she's gone."

"Me neither." Lana said; remembering all those nights in where she could have sworn Wendy was lying right next to her.

Lana folded her hands over Johnny's little potbelly and gave out a sigh. "I often wonder how things would be if she were here."

Johnny laid his head back against Lana's chest and sucked his thumb, comforting himself.

Barb grew sad at this, "Lana's there's no point in thinking of the 'what ifs'."

Lana nodded in agreement. "I know but I can't help it."

"I understand."

"I just wish she were here. Things would be easier."

"Of course they would."

Lana paused for a moment, needing to think things over before she spoke. "Do you think she would have loved Johnny?"

"Of course!" Barb didn't hesitate to answer. "Lana, we all love this boy. I'm sure Wendy would have too if she would have had the chance to meet him."

Lana felt better hearing the words from Barb. Of course she had been convinced that Wendy would love her son but she needed to know that someone else believed it too.

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Lana took a very grumpy Johnny home later that day and got him into a bath of warm water and suds to relax him for bed.

In the tub, Johnny played with his toys, pulling them under water and letting them bounce back up. He'd giggle up a storm and squeal with utter delight when they did so. He was so amazed by simple physics. Lana sat on the floor next to the tub, her hand in the water, twirling one of the toy boats around. She had been quite pensive since they got home.

Johnny was obviously in a better mood than he had been when she picked him up at Barb's. Lana felt bad for leaving the boy with them so often but she did pay Barb for babysitting (even though she refused) when she couldn't leave him at Daycare. Barb was awfully happy to have Johnny. She said with her sexuality, it would be hard for her to have her own child. Adoption would be practically impossible unless she was married and Barb didn't want to marry a man.

Lana looked at the smiling boy. She knew being a mother was never her calling but she had the chance to become one and she wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Mama." Johnny said.

"Yes?"

He babbled a question regarding the rubber duck in his possession.

"Do you know what sound a duck makes?"

"Woof!"

His response made her smile.

"No, that's a dog not a duck."

Johnny continued to talk gibberish, repeating the same things over and over.

Lana took in a deep breath and released it, "You sound like a broken record, you know."

Johnny looked from Lana to his duck and threw it back in the water.

Lana's expression flattened. "That's not very nice."

Johnny giggled.

Once she deemed him ready, Lana stood to her feet and hoisted a naked Johnny out of the tub and wrapped him in a clean, dry towel. Johnny faced her and babbled another question.

"Oh, I don't know." Lana answered, "Maybe." She drained the tub and left the bathroom to dry Johnny and get him dressed.

Lana sat Johnny on the queen-sized bed they shared and dried him off. He tried to squirm and make his way to the head of the bed where he liked to bury himself behind the pillow but Lana pinned him down and towel dried his hair. Johnny had a cowlick in the back of his head that curled even when his hair was wet. Lana had tried to comb it out on several occasions but never succeeded.

Johnny squirmed while Lana tried to dress him. Getting his pajamas on was beginning to be a challenge. Finally, when she was done, she lifted his chin with her fingers and combed through his hair again with her free hand. Of course Lana knew whom she would choose between Johnny and Wendy. She knew without even thinking about it.

Lana would always choose Johnny.

It didn't take her that long to get him to fall asleep. He clearly didn't need his nebulizer that night so she wasn't worried. He was fine.

And of course while she tried to sleep, random thoughts crossed her mind. One was the thought of potty training Johnny. She had never done anything like that before and wasn't sure how to even go about it. Johnny still went in his diaper without shame and didn't show any interest in the toilet what so ever but Lana wondered when it would be time to do so. He was already two years old (something which amazed her completely) and he was doing others things. But when would be the right time to do it and how?

She guessed sitting him on the toilet and explaining what it was for were the first steps. As far as Johnny knew, the toilet was the fun bowl of water where he could throw anything he wanted inside. One of his favorite things to throw in there were Lana's keys followed by spoons and forks.

Needless to say, Johnny wasn't allowed near the toilet without his mother to supervise him.

Alas, Lana sighed at the task of having to potty train her son. She dreaded doing it. Not because she knew it would be difficult because it was another milestone that meant her son was growing. He would soon be talking in full sentences and going to school.

How she wished he was still a little two month old who couldn't even sit up on his own. She did truly miss his baby days even though she hadn't been herself what so ever and the sight of him shattered her entire being.

Perhaps it was because she didn't enjoy those days to the fullest that she felt such dread at the thought of the boy growing up too fast.

If only she could stop time.

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The following morning, Lou was in on one of his rants, as usual. Lana had wanted to shove it in his face that she had actually gone out on Valentines and had gotten "lucky" with a very beautiful and elegant woman. Of course Lana hadn't gotten all the way and she couldn't quite tell Lou that she had kissed a woman even though he was pretty familiar with her sexual preferences but Lana wasn't one to brag. Nor was she the type to flaunt her any relationships around.

Lou knew—or at least he suspected but it was something they didn't talk openly about. Nevertheless, he could care less if Lana preferred penises or vaginas. He only cared that she was a phenomenal reporter and delivered gold. What she did or who she did on her free time was none of his business—even though he did make his comments about her getting back into the swing of things.

But Lana knew that she wasn't ready for that. Not after what had happened on Valentine's Day. She had felt so terrible it had put her off. But what made Lana feel even worse was that she liked the way the other woman kissed her and ran her fingers through her hair. She liked the way the woman's expensive perfume imprinted itself on her clothes and she liked the feelings of her breath hot on her skin. It was the fact that she liked it all so much that made Lana feel guilty. But what could she do? She was only human.

Lana spent the workday writing an article about the Cold War, including the Navy ship, USS Pueblo that had been captured by the North Koreans. Her article mainly focused on the eighty-two surviving crewmen that were being held at a POW camp.

On a mission, Lana gathered all the information she could and even went out on the field (against Lou's knowledge) to gather much more information. The news of the captured ship had already been spread through the news when it happened in late January but the follow-ups continued. A lot of the press had covered the news over and over but Lana knew how to make her story stand out. She figured out something that the others had failed to acknowledge to far: The crew's family members.

So Lana focused her article mainly on some of the crewmembers that had been captured. Luckily for her, the family of one of the men resided just outside of Boston and she was able to snatch an interview with them. She felt for the families of the captured men and included in her article that their families and the rest of their country wished them a safe voyage home.

It took her days to gather all her information but alas she had done so and was now finishing up her last paragraph. The article was only a few paragraphs long but it was far different than the mundane articles she wrote about casseroles and stain removers. Those kinds of things offended her knowledge.

She was more than a walking cook book (for heavens, she wasn't even that great at cooking).

Pleased with her article, she handed it over to one of the editors and headed to the daycare to pick up Johnny.

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The day was overcast and it had begun to drizzle snow. Johnny wandered around the apartment in footsie pajamas and a bottle of powdered formula he had come to like quite a lot now that his stomach was stronger and could handle such foods. Lana knew she would have to wean him off the bottle too but at least she didn't have to breast feed anymore.

She would have to admit that even though it was horrifying at first, towards the end, she did see that bond that mothers shared with their children while breastfeeding. Still, she often couldn't help to think of Oliver and shudder in disgust.

Lana was sure he would continue to haunt her life, her nightmares and her memories.

Luckily, Oliver Thredson was dead, Lana thought. And even better, his ghost had not bothered her in the past few days. She had been so preoccupied with other things that his horrid memory hadn't wandered much or at all in her thoughts.

Still, when she looked upon the sweet face of her son, she couldn't help but to see him there. Johnny was a part of him just as much as he was a part of her. No matter how many times Lana said that her son had no father, Oliver would always be present somehow.

However, Lana was determined to bury his memory along with his body.

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Every time there was a knock at the door or the ring of the doorbell, Lana would become nervous. She half expected it to be her mother—or worse, her father, begging to let them see the boy.

However, on that day, Lana was quite pleased to see the mailman at the doorstep of her apartment loft. He held a large manila envelope for her. Lana took it and thanked him.

Johnny was down for his nap and she was happy to know that the mailman's arrival hadn't woken up.

She felt the weight of the envelope to find that it had a small hefty weight to it but couldn't be sure of what it was exactly. It felt like a small stack of cards. She read the name and was pleased to see that it had been delivered all the way from San Francisco.

Lana opened it quickly in the middle of her living room and reached inside. She felt the small stack of cards that turned out to be a bundle of photographs from her childhood with her sister. Lana looked through them completely amazed. There weren't many of them, just a small stack but they were enough to fill her with an unrelenting nostalgia.

Lana opened the letter that accompanied the photos.

Dear little sister,

I'm extremely happy to know that you approve of me starting my own little family. You can't begin to imagine how nervous I am but I'm sure you already know. And I want you to know that I was serious when I said that I want you and my nephew to come visit San Francisco.

By now I'm sure you've already seen the photos. I was doing some late unpacking of some boxes in our attic and found them! I had taken them from Mom and Daddy's house when I moved out. I was sure you'd like to have them so I sent them your way. I won't lie to you, Lana. I have spoken with Daddy about what happened for what is now the millionth time and I have to be honest when I say that he feels bad for what he has done—alas, he didn't apologize for it. Only merely implied it but is consistent that he only had Johnny's best interest in mind. I know you don't want to hear about him but I implore you not to drift from the family again even though they're the ones who caused you to leave in the first place.

But enough of that. How are you? I honestly hope you're doing well out there on your own. Of course you are, you're Lana Winters.

But tell me, how is Johnny? Growing more by the day. We miss that boy greatly. But seriously, come visit soon!

I MEAN IT.

With much love,
Your big sister, Margo

Lana set the letter down. Of course her father still hadn't admitted that he was completely wrong in taking her son and she didn't know if he would ever even apologize for it.

Alas, Lana pushed the thought away. She read Margo's letter a second time and looked through the photos, recalling what was going on in them and how old she was when they were taken. Margo was right, Lana did need to visit her in San Francisco soon.

She and Johnny needed a change of fresh air.