Author's Note: Happy one-year anniversary of this story! Honestly, I was going to wait until my birthday to update, but I figured that I just had to update on the anniversary of when I started this story! Of course, it's not as happy as I'm sure many of you were hoping it would be when I began this story...but I hope you sort of enjoy it, nonetheless!
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Emily came over to Spencer's house the next morning. She knocked on the door and then rang the doorbell. After a few moments, she realized Spencer was still not in the door-answering mood. She looked around for the spare key and found it hidden under the welcome mat. Just as she was about to use the key, she put her hand on the doorknob and realized it was open. She felt her stomach turn. "Spencer?" She quickly closed the door and rushed up the stairs. The first place she looked was in Alex's room. Alex was sound asleep in his crib while Spencer was sitting in the corner on the floor.
"Spencer, this isn't 1942; you can't just leave the door open," Emily scolded. "Please don't tell me the door was open all night."
Spencer didn't respond. She just stared at the crib. Emily sighed and walked uncomfortably over to Spencer, sitting down next to her. "Listen, Spencer, I don't know what it's like to lose a child. I don't know the pain that you're in or the pain that Toby's in. It's not fair and it's sad and it's like you lost a piece of you, but don't you see that another piece of you is right in front of you?" she asked as she looked over at Alex's crib. "You can't do this. You can't just be reckless with him. And Toby can't be gone all the time."
Spencer took a deep breath. "I can't do this," she said as she wiped away tears that were beginning to form. She looked like she wanted to say more, but she couldn't find the words. She rested her head on Emily's shoulder and Emily held her for a while. After the tears gradually subsided, Spencer tried to talk about something else.
"How is Natalie? I barely spoke to her the other day," Spencer said as she pulled her sweater close to her.
Emily fidgeted uncomfortably. "She's alright."
"What's wrong?" Spencer asked with concern.
"We've just been…disagreeing on things lately," Emily responded.
Spencer felt a bit deflated. "Are things…really bad?" It was a question she almost didn't want to ask because she feared the answer.
"I…I don't know," Emily responded. "But don't worry about us, Spencer," she added quickly. "Have you spoken to Toby?" Spencer just signed loudly in response. "When was the last time you spoke to him?"
Spencer shrugged. "I think a few days ago? God," she muttered as she pressed her palms to her forehead, "I can't even remember the last time I saw him."
Emily was worried Spencer was about to start crying again, but Spencer simply shook her head and leaned back against the wall. Emily thought she heard Alex stirring. "Spence, I'm going to go see what I can make for breakfast. Why don't you feed Alex and come down later?"
Spencer looked reluctant but she eventually gave in. Emily got up and helped Spencer up before walking out of the room. Emily walked downstairs and quietly slipped out of the house. She paced back and forth on the front porch nervously as she called Toby's number. When she heard Toby's voice, she became hopeful that he'd answered, but she soon realized it was just his voicemail greeting.
"Toby, where are you? I know you're in a lot of pain right now, but Alex needs you. Spencer needs you, too." Emily thought about saying more, but hung up after that. She walked back inside the house and looked for something to make. She finally settled on eggs and pancakes—it was clear Spencer hadn't eaten in a while and she needed something to nourish her.
Spencer came down as Emily was finishing cooking the eggs. She placed Alex in his chair while she went into the fridge to get some fruits. She washed some blueberries and cut strawberries and bananas—which were surprisingly not rotten, considering she didn't know when she'd gotten them. She thought perhaps Natalie had gotten them at the store when she came over.
"You're making pancakes?" Spencer asked as she threw out the banana peels. Emily nodded as she put the last of the pancake batter on the skillet. "It's been a long time since I had those…"
About ten minutes later, Emily placed breakfast on the table. "Is Alex eating solid foods now?"
Spencer nodded. "We started giving him eggs a few months ago and he can eat pancakes. He loves them, actually." Alex reached out for the fruit and Spencer put some bananas on his plate. Alex grabbed onto her finger as she dropped a few pieces on his plate. "He really loves bananas," Spencer commented with a tiny smile.
"Do you like breakfast?" Emily asked.
Spencer nodded. "Thanks, Emily," she responded as she continued to feed Alex. Emily noted, however, that Spencer had barely touched her pancakes and only had a few bites of the scrambled eggs Emily made. After Alex finished eating, Spencer ate a little more, but she still didn't entirely finish her pancakes.
"Why don't you go take a shower and I'll watch Alex in the meantime?" Emily suggested as she cleaned the dishes. Spencer nodded before going upstairs. Emily finished doing the dishes before texting Hanna.
Aria was preparing dinner and chopping vegetables when Jason and Cassidy came home.
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" Cassidy exclaimed as she ran through the house straight to the kitchen. "Look at the drawing I drew!" she said proudly. "Look! That's our house," she said as she pointed to a castle-like structure, "and that's me, you, Daddy, and Bor."
Aria smiled as she looked at the picture. "Cassidy, do you know where I think we should put it for now?" she asked. Cassidy looked at her curiously. Aria took the picture and hung it up on the refrigerator. "That way, Daddy and I can look at it all the time."
Cassidy smiled. "I'm going upstairs to draw, Mommy," she announced before running up the stairs.
"She's so cute," Aria commented, half to Jason and half to herself.
"She reminds me of you a lot. Today when we were driving home, we saw two deer in the woods and she asked if they were going to be able to make it home. Then she started talking about how cute they were."
Aria smiled as she thought of Cassidy saying that. She then recalled what she had wanted to talk to Jason about. "Jason, how was Toby today?" she asked.
Jason's smile dissipated. "I only saw him once today but he looked brutal. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week and to be honest I'm worried about him," Jason confessed.
"We need to get the both of them to reconcile," Aria said finally as she continued cutting carrots.
"I know, but how?" Jason asked.
Aria thought as she continued to chop but she had no ideas. "I don't know," she said finally.
Jason sighed as he walked towards the staircase. "I'm going to go see if I can get ahold of him on the phone."
"Don't get your hopes up," Aria advised. "Dinner will be ready at six."
Spencer stood idly as Hanna brushed some blush on her cheekbones.
"Hanna, I don't know if I'm ready for this," she said glumly.
Hanna bit her lip. After a momentary pause, she went back to primping Spencer. "You need to get your mind off of things. It's just one night, Spencer. Alex is in good hands; you know that. He's probably having a great time playing with Pamela as we speak."
Spencer forced a minute smile as the thought of the two of them. "I know, but I feel like a bad mother. I'm abandoning my son to go out with my best friend."
Hanna frowned. "Spencer, you're an amazing mother and you're not abandoning him."
"An amazing mother wouldn't have miscarried."
Hanna didn't say anything. She was scared to open this can of worms. She put Spencer's lipstick on and stepped away. "You look beautiful. Please just sit through dinner with me. It's not like we're going clubbing, Spencer. It's just dinner," she assured her.
Spencer forced a smile.
Spencer sat awkwardly at the table of the restaurant Hanna brought her to. The waiter came over and Hanna ordered two cocktails, even though Spencer insisted she was fine with just seltzer.
"You're going to have a drink, Spence. You need a pink drink," Hanna insisted.
Spencer took the drink reluctantly. She was indifferent about it, but she ordered another once she was done with it. And then another. And another.
"Whoa! Easy there!" Hanna said as she kept Spencer from spilling her fourth—maybe fifth—cocktail all over herself.
"Give me!" Spencer retorted as she reached out to grab the drink from Hanna's hand. "I deserve it after all I've been through."
Hanna didn't argue, so she just let Spencer grab the drink. Hanna was about to say something when her phone began to ring. It was Caleb.
"Hey, Caleb. I'm here with Spencer. Don't you remember I told you I was taking her out tonight? I'll be back later. Bye. I love you," she said before hanging up.
Spencer got this far-off look in her eyes. It was tinted with sadness. "I remember when my husband used to call me like that," she said plainly. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Now I can barely get him to talk to me," she added as she looked down into the drink.
Hanna didn't know what to say. She gulped. "It can be fixed, you know."
Spencer stared at her for a few moments before laughing cynically. "We're not even sleeping together anymore."
Hanna shook her head. "Spence, that's perfectly normal, especially after—"
"Hanna," Spencer interrupted, "we're not even sleeping in the same bed anymore." Spencer took a deep breath before continuing. "We barely speak and—" Spencer began to cry before she could even finish the sentence. "He can't even look at me anymore."
Hanna just looked at her best friend sadly. She didn't know what she could say or do. There really was nothing she could say or do to make it better. "Do you want to go home?"
Spencer sniffled. "I don't even know where that is anymore. I always thought that he was my home, but I don't know anymore." She sniffled again before mumbling "I don't know, I don't know" over and over again under her breath.
Hanna quickly asked for the check before she helped a wobbly Spencer back to the car (luckily Hanna had only one cocktail and was safe to be driving back to Spencer's place, where Melissa was probably waiting for Spencer with Pamela and Alex).
"I just don't want to be left alone again, Hanna," Spencer confessed as she leaned her head against the car window.
Hanna looked over at Spencer as they stopped at a red light. "You're not going to be left alone. Toby would never leave you."
Spencer was silent for a moment before she said, "I think he's already thinking about it."
Hanna was ready to argue, but she knew that Spencer would shoot her down immediately. Even though she looked raging drunk, she was still a Hastings at heart; she could tear your argument down easily. Hanna just reached out to put her hand on Spencer's shoulder reassuringly. They got home quickly and Hanna helped Spencer into her room. She helped Spencer take off her makeup and her dress before she laid Spencer down in bed. She went down the hall to Alex's nursery to see Melissa sitting in the rocking chair, rocking Alex as he slept.
"Oh, hey, Hanna," Melissa whispered as she got up to put Alex down in the crib. She took Pamela by the hand before walking into the hallway. In a normal voice, she said, "I didn't even hear you come in with Spencer."
Hanna sighed. "She's really not doing well. Do you think you could maybe stay the night? I would stay the night with her but…I don't know. I feel like she could really use her sister right now."
"It's that bad?" Melissa questioned. Hanna told her that Spencer and Toby were going through some hard times, but she wasn't sure exactly what that meant. Hanna nodded in response. "I guess Pamela and I could stay in the guest bedroom," she said as she looked down at her daughter. "How bad is it?"
Hanna looked down at the floor. "She told me she and Toby aren't even sleeping in the same bed anymore when he does come home. She said that he can't even look at her when he is around. And from the way she was talking about him, it sounded like he's not home often," she explained.
Melissa frowned. "This is really bad."
"I know."
Kathryn2014: I have a couple of things in mind. You have good instincts, but just wait for it. I hope you liked it!
sarahschneider2012: It'll definitely make the both of them feel worse, but they'll talk about this. It'll happen probably sooner than you think. I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Summer1223: It's coming soon. Spencer and Alex need Toby, but don't forget that Toby is dealing with a lot, too. Things will sort themselves out in a sort-of weird way. You guys just have to trust me on this. I hope you liked this chapter.
arubagirl0926: I hope you liked the chapter!
So I bet a lot of you are wondering where Toby's been. It's been two whole chapters since we've seen him and the last time we saw him, he was sobbing with Spencer. I promise he'll be back next chapter. Pinkie swear. And also, thank you guys for a wonderful year! -Kayson