Apologize

by evitascarlett

As Kate finds herself getting back on solid ground in her relationship with Castle, her world gets turned upside down by an unexpected visitor. As emotions run high and danger lurks will she and Castle be able to stand together and become stronger or will their secrets and lies eventually tear them apart? AU Set after 4x22 Undead Again. Cover Art by LordofKavaka. Now Edited 9/2015.

36. Chapter 36 -Love The Way You Lie

Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews.

Chapter 36 - Love The Way You Lie

'Just gonna stand there and watch me burn but it's all right, I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry but it's all right, I love the way you lie' – Rihanna

"Castle, who is Smith?" Kate demanded to know; her voice rising as she asked the question for the second time.

His mind was racing, panic thrumming through his body as the realization sunk in that his secret had been exposed and that everything he had built up with Kate was now in jeopardy. He frantically tried to find the words that would hit the pause button on her emotions to keep her from overreacting.

"Kate..." he began; only to trail off as the words refused to come.

"Who Is He," she said; dropping each syllable with a seriousness that almost seemed deadly.

"He's a friend of Montgomery's...or was," he amended; trying to slow his thoughts and compose himself.

Her eyes blazed with suspicion. "And why are you talking to a friend of Montgomery's about this case? Why are you talking to him about me and my mother?"

"It's not what you think," Castle replied.

"Then tell me what it is," she retorted. "Stop stalling and start talking."

"Before Montgomery went into that hanger that night, he sent a package to Smith. This package contains damaging information about the person behind this. Montgomery wanted to protect you; his friend used this information to strike a deal with this person to keep you safe."

"And what does all of that have to do with you, Castle?"

"In order for the deal to work, someone had to make sure that you weren't investigating this case."

Kate looked like she had been slapped as she took a step back, her heart hammering against her ribs. "Are you apart of this?"

His mouth opened and closed once before it finally opened again. "I just wanted to protect you, Kate."

"By lying to me?" she asked; her voice betraying the slightest hint of a tremble.

"I wasn't lying to you," he responded; because technically, he didn't feel like this could be classified as a lie...it was more like information that had been withheld from her for her own good.

"How do you figure!" she yelled; months worth of pent up fear and anger breaking free and coming to the surface. "This is the most important thing in my life, Castle; and you've been keeping something from me about it!"

"I had to," he replied; his voice sounding tight. "I had to protect you."

"I don't need to be protected, Castle. I need a lead and you've had one for over a year and you've been sitting on it! How could you? Do you even know anything about this man?"

"He's someone Montgomery trusted."

"And that's supposed to make it okay?" she spat.

"Montgomery was trying to keep you alive," he stated; his tone even but rising along with his defenses.

"I don't care what Montgomery was trying to do. I care about what you're doing. Is Smith even his real name?"

"I don't know."

"How did Montgomery know him? Is he a cop?"

"I don't know."

"How do you know he isn't involved in this?" Kate demanded to know.

"Because Montgomery trusted him," he said; frustration upon his face.

"So you think you can trust this person because of his connection to Montgomery because it's not like Montgomery was involved in this...oh wait, he was!" she remarked; her eyes snapping with anger. "You know nothing about this person, Castle. Nothing! You could be feeding information straight to the bastards we're after."

He shook his head. "No, Kate. It isn't like that."

"How do I find him?"

"I don't know."

Kate scoffed, "You don't know much of anything; do you, Castle?"

"I don't know how to find him," he said angrily. "He's a voice on the phone, a shadow in a parking garage."

"You've met with him!"

"Kate, if you would just listen to me, maybe you'd understand."

"Listen to you?" she said incredulously. "I'm supposed to listen to you after you've just admitted that you betrayed me? How can I trust you, Castle? How the hell could you do this to me?"

"Because I love you! I'd do anything to keep you alive. Why can't you see that?"

"You act like I'm some child who's caught in the middle of a custody fight. Well I'm not a child that you can strike a deal for, Castle. You don't get to make deals for my life. You don't get to make my decisions for me; and to make it worse, it's not just my life you're playing with now! It's my mother's life too. My mother!" she exclaimed; anguish tingeing her tone as that feeling of betrayal washed over her. Do you think about that? Did you really think this deal would work?"

"It was working fine until your mother showed up!" he shot back without thought or even the realization that their voices had raisen high enough to be clearly heard by the two women in the kitchen.

"Don't you dare push this onto her," she said angrily. "This is about what you've been doing."

"It's the truth, Kate. None of this was going on until she appeared."

"So what are saying, Castle? You'd rather her be dead for real, or you'd rather that I just went the rest of my life thinking that she was even though she isn't?"

"No! Of course not; but maybe she should've thought about what she was doing before she came back here because I don't think she thought it through at all. All she thought about was what she wanted. She put you in danger."

"I put myself in danger the moment I opened her case file," Kate retorted. "She had no control over that, just like you have no control over me. My mother has enough regrets and worries on her shoulders and I'll be damned if I let you heap more upon her. I started this, Castle; because I couldn't let it go and you can't control that anymore than she can. Are you really so naive that you really bought that they'd never come for me?"

"As long as you weren't pursuing this case, they would let you alone," he said firmly; stung by the remark.

"And you honestly think that I was never going to investigate this case again? Regardless of whether she was here or not? You know me better than that."

"I was supposed to stop you if that happened."

"That's where you screwed up, Castle. You can't stop me. We're tired of carrying this on our backs. We're tired of fear. We're not backing down, we're not stopping, and we're not running. If they want to come, then let them, because I am ready to end this. I'm going to take back my life and my mother's. We will end this and we will both be standing when that day comes. You won't stop me."

"The choice might not be yours, Kate. Didn't the bullets crashing through your windows show you that?"

She shook her head. "It scared me," she admitted; "But it also made me all the more determined...and I thought you were on my side, fighting the battle with me."

"If you'd just listen! If you'd just try to understand, you'd see that I am on your side. I'm still fighting with you."

"Do you know what I understand?" she asked; and then not waiting for a response, she went on. "What I understand is that the one person I thought I could trust completely...the man I love, has betrayed me."

"I haven't. "You can trust me like you always have... I'm still the same man who stood here for four years, waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I was more than just your partner. I'm the same person who brings you a cup of coffee every morning just to see you smile. I'm still the man who loves you, the man who would do anything for you."

She sucked in a shaky breath, willing back the emotion that was suffocating her. "You'll have to forgive me, Castle; because right now, it doesn't feel like it."

He couldn't stand the torment on her face and he longed to make it all go away, to make her realize that the only motive that had driven him was the love he had for her. "Kate," he whispered; moving towards her, his hands reaching for her.

"Don't touch me," she said quietly as she shied away.

She couldn't take this anymore. She needed to get away from him so that she could breathe again. Kate spun on her heel and charged out of the bedroom. She just needed to flee, to put distance between them but as she moved in the direction of the door; her gaze was pulled to the kitchen where Martha and Johanna were still standing. Her mother looked stricken and she realized that they had most likely overheard everything. Kate stood in place, feeling trapped as she looked at her mother. She needed to leave, she needed to be alone but how could she go and leave her mother behind?

She raked a shaky hand through her hair as she heard Castle's footsteps approaching from behind her. She held Johanna's gaze, silently pleading with her to help her find a solution to her quandary.

Johanna rounded the counter, walking towards her daughter and when she reached her, she took her face in her hands. "Go, Katie," she said softly. "Go somewhere safe and clear your head."

"What about you?" Kate asked quietly.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine. You can go and take some time for yourself. Just be careful."

She wanted to go so badly, but as her mother's hands slipped away from her face, she still hesitated, the turmoil of the last several minutes making her feel a new surge of protectiveness for her parent.

Martha sensed her dilemma and spoke up. "Kate, she's safe here," she told her gently; and then knowing that the young woman's trust in her son had been shaken, she added, "I'll be here with her."

Kate's lip trembled slightly as her gaze once again sought out her mother. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, sweetheart," she told her. "Just don't go for too long...no more than a few hours or I'll worry about you, okay?"

Kate nodded, her arms wrapping tightly around her mother as if she was the only lifeline she had. Finally, she released her and quickly gathered up her purse, gun, and keys and headed for the door.

"Kate," Castle called after her but the only reply he got was the slamming of the door.

Castle turned his attention to the two women he was now left alone with. His mother's gaze was focused upon him, her blue eyes speaking a silent 'I knew something like this was going to happen' sentiment. That was the last thing he needed, he thought to himself. He so did not need Martha Rodgers saying I told you so.

He glanced towards Johanna who had retreated back to his mother's side. Her eyes flicked towards him briefly and then focused elsewhere, her arms wrapped around her waist like she was trying to protect herself from something.

The silence was heavy and deafening and he knew that they had obviously overheard some of the argument that had taken place. He figured that he at least owed Johanna an explanation, especially since Kate had accused him of playing with both of their lives.

"Johanna, I can explain this," he began.

She shook her head. "There's no need. Martha told me...in between the yelling."

"I was just trying to keep her safe," he said anyway. "I want both of you to be safe."

Johanna's gaze caught his and held. "I'm not the one you have to convince," she answered and then turning towards Martha, she laid her hand over hers and said a quiet goodnight before picking up her phone and heading upstairs.

Castle approached his mother as Johanna disappeared from sight. "What am I going to do now, Mother?"

"You should've told her, Richard. You should've told her when she came clean with you about her own secrets."

"Because that would've gone so much better?" he said; sarcasm coloring his tone. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"Well Kate doesn't seem to see it that way," Martha remarked. "And who can blame her? I take it that she must've caught you on the phone and that made it look like you were sneaking around behind her back...which of course, technically, you have been."

He shot her an unamused look. "Thanks, Mother; you're really making me feel better; and it wasn't like that at all."

Martha held up a hand, silencing him before he could go on a tangent in defense of himself. "I know your reasons for what you did and why you've kept it from her and I understand but now you have to face the consequences for the choice you made to keep this secret. She's angry and she's hurt and you can't expect her not to be just because you had good intentions."

"So what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to fix this?"

"What you always do," Martha answered. "Give her time to work through it, and don't give up on her."

"What if this ruins everything we have? What if she gives up on me?"

"Kiddo, I'm not going to lie to you and say that's not a possibility but I think you need to give Kate a little more credit than that. She's grown a lot in the last few months; she's opened up to you. She loves you and she admits it and I think after she cools off, she'll be willing to work this out with you."

"I'm sorry you had to overhear our argument," Castle remarked.

"I don't think I'm the one you need to apologize to," Martha replied. "I had to tell Johanna what was going on because she was starting to panic. She could tell that I knew what was happening and I think she had a brief moment of belief that the two of them had been lured into a trap."

"She doesn't still think that, does she?" he questioned; feeling a pang of regret.

"No, I was able to convince her that that wasn't the case at all; but Richard, she heard what you said."

"I know, Mother. You both did."

"Richard," she said with a mild hint of exasperation. "She heard what you said about her."

Castle was quiet for a moment as he digested that thought. "I should go talk to her," he stated as he moved away from the counter.

"Perhaps you should wait until tomorrow," his mother suggested. "Everyone's a bit raw right now."

"I'd rather take care of it now."

"Another mistake," Martha muttered; her plans to ease the atmosphere of the loft shot to hell. She sighed and poured herself a glass of wine. She could just imagine what it was going to be like for the next few days.

---

This evening had gone horribly wrong, Castle thought as he climbed the stairs. Kate was furious and hurt and god only knew where she had taken off to in her quest for space. He knew that she had no choice but to come back but he didn't hold out much hope that she'd listen when she returned. He stepped in front of the closed door of the guest room; hesitating as he tried to figure out what to say to the woman hiding inside. He hadn't meant their argument to be overheard and he felt even worse knowing that Johanna had heard him utter the words 'It was working fine until your mother showed up'.

He really did have foot in mouth disease, he thought to himself but if he couldn't make Kate understand right now, he could at least try to apologize to her mother. He didn't want Johanna to feel like she couldn't trust him or that she wasn't safe in his home. Slowly he raised his fist and wrapped lightly on the door and then held his breath as he waited for a response.

"Come in," he heard her answer; her tone neutral and void of emotion.

Castle opened the door and stepped inside, his eyes landing on Johanna as she stood at the foot of the bed, her bags open in front of her. He spoke the first thing that came to mind as he watched her fold a pair of jeans.

"Please tell me that you aren't thinking of taking off."

Johanna's gaze snapped toward him. "Do you think I'm stupid enough to try walking out the door while you watch?"

"No! Of course not...I just don't want you to be considering it," he answered.

"I'm not going anywhere without my daughter, Rick. I just like to be organized. Is that okay?"

Her tone hadn't held an ounce of bite and he marveled at how she had been able to accomplish that when her eyes so clearly glittered with hurt and something else that he couldn't distinguish. He remained quiet for a second as she folded another pair of pants; remembering that Kate had told him that Johanna dealt with stress by baking or cleaning. He figured repacking her bags was her only outlet at the moment.

"Johanna, I don't want you to feel like you aren't safe here, because you are. I wouldn't let anything happen to you anymore than I'd let something happen to my own mother."

"I'm not worried," she replied; her tone still neutral but he could that she wasn't as comfortable in his presence as she had been.

"I'm sorry," Castle said sincerely.

A forced smile appeared on her lips. "I believe that it's Katie who requires your apologies."

He shook his head, "No, I owe you one too. I know you overheard what I said..."

"The truth hurts," Johanna remarked; cutting him off. "Don't worry about it. It's fine."

"Why is it always fine when someone hurts you?"

"Probably because I usually deserve it and I'd rather be the one getting hurt than to be the person inflicting it."

"That doesn't make it right."

"What does it matter?" she asked as she roughly folded a blouse. "It was a true statement and therefore you have nothing to apologize for. Case closed."

"But I didn't mean to say it," Castle stated. "Kate...she just wouldn't listen and I got frustrated and said things without thinking. She's just so stubborn sometimes."

"Well, she gets that from her mother...come to think of it, she gets it from her father too. I'll apologize for both of us passing on our bad habits."

Castle shifted awkwardly, unsure of what to say to that and ultimately decided to let it pass without comment and kept to his original topic. "I just wanted to keep her safe," he reiterated.

"I know," Johanna answered. "So do I, but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I would've stayed away if I had known, because I wouldn't…"

The statement chaffed at the rawness he felt in relation to the situation and anger flashed through him as he cut her off. "So you'd still come back here and willingly put her life in jeopardy?" he said incredulously; disdain in his gaze.

"You didn't let me finish," she said tartly. "You talk about Kate not listening, well you don't either."

He bit back a retort, "Go on."

"I wouldn't have stayed away because they deserved to know the truth and because I couldn't take it any more. I don't want her to be in danger. I just wanted to end it. When those bullets were flying through the windows, I was praying that they'd hit me and not her. Do you believe that I don't sit up nights thinking about the consequences of my actions by coming back? Maybe I should've stayed in Wyoming but I can't find it within myself to regret getting on that plane. This is where I'm supposed to be. A person can only take so much of lying and hiding and being afraid. There's a breaking point, Rick."

"I know," he stated but his response only seemed to unearth a hidden vein of anger.

"No, you don't know!" she exclaimed; her eyes blazing with the fury that she always kept hidden. "You haven't walked in my shoes, you haven't been where I've been so don't patronize me by acting like you know what anything is like for me, because you don't."

Castle remained silent for a moment as he absorbed her anger ridden tirade and then he chose his words carefully. "You're right, I don't know what it's like for you and you don't know what it's like for me."

Johanna took the blow in stride, barely batting an eye. She didn't feel like backing down tonight; she didn't feel like holding back. "Do you really think that this deal of yours was going to last forever?"

"It was working fine," he retorted; uttering half of the words he had come to apologize for.

"Yes, I know; it was working fine until I showed up," Johanna replied; finishing the statement for him. "But these people you're dealing with don't have your code of honor, Rick. They would've eventually reneged on this deal no matter what and it wouldn't have mattered if I was really dead or if I was still in Wyoming."

"You don't know that," he retorted; his jaw tight with tension.

"Come on, Rick; you're smarter than that! Half the lawsuits in the world are brought about because of broken deals. Sure it always sounds good in the beginning and everyone plans nice and by the rules but then the more powerful party decides that they don't want to play the game any more. They want what they want no matter the cost and regardless of their promise. If you want proof, open up a history book and read about the alliances between countries that have broken down because one side intentionally or unintentionally provokes the other side and a war erupts, and that's what we have here, Rick. This is a war and it would've always become a war regardless of where I was. Bracken looks at Katie and sees a live grenade that could go off in his face at any moment. A man like him can't afford that and he was going to want her dealt with eventually and I think somewhere inside, you know that."

Maybe he had always known that eventually it would come to this and the deal would be gone. He had hoped that he would have the answers and evidence he needed by that point so that he would be able to save her. Maybe he had convinced himself that he had some measure of control over her fate, and now he realized that he didn't. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

"I'm sorry," Johanna stated as she faced his silence; feeling the strain of the burden she carried.

He looked at her with confusion. "I don't understand."

"I'm sorry for messing up the deal you had made and that I keep messing up Kate's life. I'm sorry for being her burden and that now I'm your burden by being under your roof. I don't want to be here, interfering in your lives anymore than you want me to be here."

"Johanna, I never said that," he replied; getting the sinking feeling that she was indeed thinking of fleeing before Kate returned.

"You don't have to say it," she remarked; "And it's okay, I'm not offended. I'm just…really sorry. Sometimes I'm sorry I was ever born."

"Don't say that."

"Why not? I thought this was true confessions night at the Castle manor."

He released a heavy breath, maybe he should run away. "This night has been a disaster. Kate won't listen and you won't just accept a simple apology. I have a whole new respect for Jim. I don't know how he manages both of you without losing his mind."

"He's had a lot of practice," Johanna said with a smirk; "And let me give you some unsolicited advice, Rick. Your problem is that you're so busy trying to justify your actions to Kate that you won't stop for a minute and put yourself in her place and think about how she feels. You aren't taking into consideration that she might be wary of anyone that she doesn't know that's connected to her former Captain. I know that he gave his life for her and that she's loyal to his memory, but he still betrayed her. He was apart of this, how does Kate know that his friend isn't somehow involved? For all you know, he could be playing both sides of the field and that's what's going on in her mind. As for me, I don't need apologies. I just want to go home and be out of everyone's hair but my husband's. As his wife, I have the right to drive him crazy and he seems to enjoy it…which might account for his ability to cope with me and his daughter."

"Can't you just let me apologize for everything I've said within your hearing range from the time I came home this evening up to this moment?" Castle asked.

Johanna sighed as she put her refolded clothes back into her bag. "Rick, if you need forgiveness that badly, even though there's nothing to forgive, then please rest easy, you have all my forgiveness that you want or need. Now if it isn't too much trouble, may I please have my computer?"

He eyed her; his suspicions on the rise once again. Her laptop was still locked in the safe with Kate's and he feared handing it over to her when he felt like she might be entertaining the notion of running despite her statements to the contrary.

"Why?" he asked.

Johanna looked at him, "Because the internet is a good way to waste time…and because it's mine."

"You could just come back downstairs with us."

"It's nothing personal, Rick; but I think I'd rather stay up here for the rest of the night. Now may I have my laptop?"

He hesitated and she knew what he was thinking so she picked up her overnight bag and walked towards him and held it out as she held his gaze.

Castle looked at the bag and then back to her face, silently asking for an explanation.

"I'll make you a trade if it will ease your mind," she told him.

If he took her bag, he'd be saying that he didn't trust her and that didn't seem right, especially when he wanted her to feel like she could trust him.

"That's okay," he told her. "You keep that; I'll get your computer."

---

Kate sat at her desk at the precinct, staring blankly at the papers in front of her that she had put aside hours before. She sighed; her eyes darting around the vacant bullpen. It wasn't the ideal place to wallow but it was as close to being home as she could get. It was also her safest option even if she did feel somewhat vulnerable there at times with the threat of the leak hanging over her head.

She rested her elbows on the desk and allowed her head to drop into her hands. She just couldn't understand how Castle could've done something like this. How could he make deals with someone that he knew nothing about? Hadn't he learned anything during the years that had had been shadowing her? Didn't he think about the risks of his blind faith? Not only to her but to himself as well? Didn't he see what a dangerous game he was playing? Did he even think at all? Had he convinced himself that he had control over what could happen in the same manner as he controlled the plot of his books?

Kate squeezed her eyes shut, feeling the pain of betrayal again. All this time she had spent feeling like the bad guy in their relationship for keeping a secret from him and the whole time he had been keeping one from her. It was like a slap in the face. She had bore the brunt of his anger over her transgression without even knowing why at the time and yet he acted like she should just be sedate and accepting of his actions. She pushed her hair back from her face and leaned back in the chair. She was angry but it was hurt that she was feeling so keenly now. Wasn't that the very reason she had been afraid to love him?

Somewhere deep inside she knew that he hadn't deliberately hurt her...and yet it felt like it because he had intentionally kept something from her. He had treated her like a child, making the decisions and choices in the same way he would for Alexis. He acted like she had no capabilities of taking care of herself. He seemed to think she was a pawn that he could move across a game board at will. She shook her head; tears glistening in her eyes. Shouldn't he know by now that she wasn't a woman who could be controlled or bent to his will once her mind was made up? She wasn't sorry that she had moved forward with their relationship but now she wondered if she had thought it through enough. She knew his flaws as well as he knew hers… but had she missed one? Was she always going to have to wonder if he was hiding something from her?

Was he always going to put his need to be her hero above her feelings or even logical reasoning? Her mind felt like it was going around in circles and it hadn't provided her with any resolution. She sighed heavily as her phone buzzed with a new text message and she reached for it half expecting it to be from Castle. Instead she found it to be from her mother, asking if she was alright.

Kate glanced at her watch; she hadn't meant to be gone this long even though she had informed her mother of her whereabouts. She tapped out a quick message assuring her that she was fine and on her way back to the loft.

---

The loft was quiet when Kate let herself in, and she stowed her belongings in the closet before heading to the bedroom. Castle was sitting on the bed waiting for her but she barely spared him a glance as she quickly gathered up her pajamas and headed into the bathroom; locking the door behind her.

It didn't look promising, Castle thought, but at least she was back...not that she had much choice in the matter. Still, relief filled him. They could work this out, he told himself. This wasn't the first time he had gotten into a sticky situation with her. The bathroom door opened and she remerged but instead of going towards the bed, she began to gather up her bag and her things that were scattered about.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm going upstairs. I'll share with my mother."

"Kate, don't do that," Castle pleaded. "Just stay here. I know you're upset; we don't have to talk about it right now," he said; and seeing that he wasn't winning her over, he added, "Besides, you don't want to wake your mother."

She scoffed slightly. "We both know that it isn't in your nature to be silent about an issue that you feel strongly about it. As for my mother, I doubt that she's asleep."

"Kate," he said quietly; his tone still somewhat pleading.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she stated; her throat tight with emotion. "I just can lay next to you tonight."

With that said, she exited the room, leaving him behind. Castle felt a weight upon his shoulders as he listened to her footsteps fade away as she put distance between them once again.

---

"I take it that we're sharing tonight?" Johanna said as Kate settled into the vacant space beside her.

"Is that a problem?"

"No," her mother answered. "It reminds me of those times when you were little and you'd crawl in between your father and me."

Kate could remember those times when a nightmare or the thought of a forgotten monster in the closet would drive her into her parents room. She would nestle close to her mother and tell her what was troubling her and her father would always put an arm around both of them and promise her that everything was alright and that he'd never let anything hurt her. Tears stung her eyes. What she wouldn't give to have that type of security again.

"I just wish we could go home," Kate said quietly. "This is the last place I want to be right now."

"I know," Johanna answered and after a beat she added, "We could stay with your father."

Kate glanced at her. "And then they can know where Dad is?"

"Do you expect me to believe that they don't already know?"

"I was hoping that you believed it."

"Well I don't believe it, and it was only a suggestion...although I admit to knowing what the answer would be. What about a hotel? I'll pay."

Kate shook her head. "I don't trust that setup for us," she said as she eyed her mother with her brow raised inquisitively. "And shouldn't you be telling me not to run away instead of encouraging it?"

"I think we've already established that I'm a bad mother, Kate."

She sighed, "Didn't we have this talk this morning?"

"I wasn't looking for a repeat," Johanna assured. "I guess I just feel like running away tonight too."

"I don't blame you. I just can't believe that he's done this to me. I don't understand how he even could."

"Because he loves you," Johanna answered as she reached for her hand to offer comfort.

Kate scoffed as a few tears broke free without permission. "So that makes it okay? Why is it that love has to equate betrayal of some sort? Why is it that every one who claims to love me, has to betray me?"

Johanna's eyes closed for a moment as she felt the knife in her heart twist again. She was number one on the list of Kate's betrayers...she had started the trend. It wasn't easy to live with that knowledge.

"That wasn't a shot at you," her daughter spoke; knowing how her words had been taken.

"It's okay. It's only the truth."

"But I'm not looking to hurt you. I did enough of that when you came home, and besides, at the moment, I feel like we're all each other has."

"You know that's not true," she answered. "We still have the same amount of people behind us as we always have. I don't think Rick kept this from you with the intention of hurting you."

"Well he did," Kate retorted, a stream of words taking form on her tongue that needed to be vented. "How am I supposed to trust him now? He's been keeping this from me for over a year...and maybe I could understand him keeping it from me for a little while...but to still keep it a secret once you were home and the game had changed? It just doesn't seem right. He sat across from me not too long ago and listened to me confess my own secret...and never once did he attempt to say that he had been keeping something from me too. At least after my confession he got to look at me and say 'I already know'. I got blindsided by something much worse."

Johanna was quiet for a moment once Kate had finished her tirade and she tried to choose her words carefully. "I don't think it matters who had the bigger secret. The fact is, you both kept something from one another, got caught, and hurt each other. Your hurt isn't better than his and his isn't better than yours. You have every right to be upset. He's been dealing with someone that you don't know anything about and I'll even give you the fact that he may have been naive in placing blind faith in this man with a single phone call. But you have to keep in mind why he did it and why he kept it from you. It wasn't about hurting you. It was about how much he loves you and how he would do anything to try and keep you safe."

"So what are you saying, I'm wrong and he's right just because there's the motive of love behind it?" Kate asked; a hint of anger coloring her tone as she swiped at her cheeks.

Her mother sighed and kept a grip on the hand that Kate was trying to pull away. "Katie, there are times in a relationship when there isn't always a clear cut 'I'm right, you're wrong' situation. Sometimes you're both wrong in some way and sometimes you're both right in a way. You're not wrong to be angry. Rick isn't wrong to want to protect you," she stated, and when Kate said nothing in reply, she continued on.

"I think it might be premature of you to assume that you can no longer trust him; especially when the evidence shows that you still do."

"What evidence?"

Johanna looked at her, "When you went out to clear your head, you left me here. We're still under his roof and I'm sure if you truly thought you had reason not trust him that you would've packed us up and moved us somewhere else. The trust is still there, Katie. It's just hard to see because you're angry."

"What about him?" she asked. "Where does his wrongness lie in your theory?"

Johanna chuckled softly, "That's my girl; always wanting the scales to be balanced."

"Is that wrong?"

"No," her mother said; "And to answer your question, Rick shouldn't expect you to be understanding of something this big when it's just been dropped in your lap. Yes, he had good intentions for dealing with this mystery man but he should've known that pushing you to see everything his way while the wound was fresh wasn't going to go well. He should know by now that the more you're pushed, the more determined you become to fight against whatever is being put in your face."

Kate couldn't argue with that. Castle always claimed to know her so well and yet he had kept trying to push his reasoning upon her when he should've known to let up until she had cooled down.

"Why do men…," she began to say and then paused to change her thought. "Why do people, do that? Why do people just expect you to accept that they've kept something from you because they think they've done what's best?"

"Human nature," Johanna answered. "When you love someone and you're presented with a set of circumstances that you have to choose between; you're always going to choose to keep your loved one safe if you can…even if it means keeping a secret."

Kate looked at her, "But you always preached the value of the truth."

"I've learned that the truth is a double edged sword, Katie. Sometimes it can cause more harm than the lie…I should know."

There was a darkness in that thought as Johanna spoke it and Kate could feel it settling over them.

"Let's not talk about it anymore," she said; rolling onto her side and gripping her mother's arm as if she could keep Johanna from going to that dark place in her mind if she just had a hold of her.

A small indulgent smile graced Johanna's lips as she nodded. "Try to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

She was too tightly wound to make an attempt at sleep just yet and she figured that silence was the last thing her mother needed at the moment. "Let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"Anything that doesn't involve work, killers, secrets, and love stories gone wrong."

"I might have to go back to my childhood for a conversation that doesn't touch on any of those things," her mother replied.

"That's fine with me."

Johanna sighed; her grown up little girl needed a bedtime story and there was only one childhood memory that stood out to her in that moment. "Have I ever told you about the time I was 12 and I ran away from home?"

"No," Kate answered; "I'm all ears."

---

Kate gave up on sleep around dawn. She carefully and quietly set up on the edge of the bed, feeling the strain of a restless night. She had slept in small increments of time; jerking awake at every half hour. Her mind just refused to be silenced enough to allow sleep to claim her properly. She glanced over her shoulder at Johanna and found her to still be asleep but Kate knew that she hadn't been that way for long. Every time she had wakened through the night, she had found her mother wide awake and staring at the shadows on the ceiling. She wouldn't tell her what was on her mind when she asked. Johanna's only response had been a soft 'nothing worth discussing' followed by a soothing hand against her arm that had lulled her back to sleep. Quietly, Kate rose and went to her bag and fished out her clothes and headed for the bathroom. Once she was ready for work, she slipped back into the room, debating between waking her mother and just leaving her a note. Finally, she made up her mind and approached the bed and nudged Johanna awake.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing; I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to work."

"Did you get called out?" Johanna inquired tiredly.

"No...I just need to get out of here."

The older woman nodded in understanding. "Be careful, Katie."

"I will," she promised. "Go back to sleep; I'll call you later."

---

Sleep wouldn't reclaim her after Kate left and after a half hour of trying, Johanna rose and dressed for the day. She then made the bed and settled back against the pillows, slipping on her reading glasses and picking up her book. After awhile the sounds of the household waking filled the air outside of the guest room. She blotted them out, keeping her attention on the pages in front of her.

She managed to become absorbed in the plot of her book but a knock at the door shattered her concentration and the peace she had found. "Who is it?" she asked; a part of her hoping that it wasn't Rick. Her opinion of the man hadn't changed. She still liked him and thought he was a good match for Kate but she wasn't anxious to have another one of their special talks.

"It's Martha."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Come in."

Martha entered the room and closed the door behind her and then approached the bed; perching on the edge as her kind blue eyes assessed Johanna for a moment before she spoke.

"It looks like you've been up for awhile," the actress stated.

Johanna nodded, "Since Katie left for work."

"I had a feeling that she'd slip out early."

"She just needs a little time," Johanna answered; feeling the need to defend her daughter even though she was sure that Martha probably hadn't meant anything by the comment.

"I know," Martha said; sensing that her companion might be feeling a bit sensitive this morning despite the kindness of her tone. "Kate has every right to be upset. I'm not disputing that. I just hope that she won't push him away hastily."

"I think I may have talked her down from the worst of her anger," Johanna said as she pulled off her glasses and laid them on top of her book.

Martha eyed her. "I also hope that you don't think I'm going to let you hide up here whenever Kate and Jim aren't present."

Johanna's expression betrayed nothing, a mask slipping into place that Martha was sure she had crafted during her years in the courtroom.

"I'm not hiding," she answered. "I just figured that since my family isn't present this morning, that the least I could do in return for your hospitality is stay out of sight so that your family can enjoy breakfast together without an outsider at the table."

The actress laughed. "Darling, do you really expect me to believe that?"

"I don't like to impose, Martha."

"No, Johanna; you're just hiding. Kate had to bring you downstairs yesterday. When she left last night, you came up here and stayed and it's clear that you had no intention of putting a foot outside of that door until Jim gets here."

There was a flicker of fiery temper in her eyes, but it disappeared quickly and she shook her head. "It isn't like that at all."

"It is," Martha insisted. "I would've bought the dislike of imposing excuse yesterday, but not today. You overheard what Richard said last night and I know that the talk the two of you had after the fact didn't go all that well. I think you're taking those things and leaping to the conclusion that Richard doesn't think too much of you and now you're trying to stay out his way as a show of respect to those feelings. I can assure you that couldn't be further from the truth."

Johanna sighed, she wasn't too sure about that but it didn't matter. "Martha, I have the tendency to step on peoples toes without intending to. I've had that habit all my life and when I realize that I'm doing that, I try to fade into the background to keep from making it worse."

Martha rose from her place at the edge of the bed. "That's all well and good, Johanna; but gals like us aren't made for fading into the background. Today is a new day, put last night behind you and go downstairs. You're welcome here and breakfast is getting cold."

Johanna was silent for a moment as she regarded her friend. To refuse her would be rude and she didn't want to be rude to Martha. She was the only friend she had and she didn't want to lose that. She picked up her book and glasses and laid them on the nightstand and then got to her feet.

"I knew you'd see it my way," the redhead quipped with a smile.

"Only because I like you Martha," Johanna replied; a small smile of her own tugging at her lips as she followed her to the door.

---

"Where's Kate?" Castle asked as soon as Johanna stepped into his line of vision.

"She went to work," she answered; feeling that discomfort creep up once again.

"When?"

She thought about it for a moment. "I guess it was about ten till six."

"Did a body drop?"

"No," Johanna replied. "She just wanted to go."

"Am I supposed to join her or stay away?"

"I don't know. She didn't say."

Castle regarded her for a moment. "Are you sure?"

Johanna shifted on her feet, a surge of temper coming to the surface as she put a hand on her hip. "I don't appreciate being called a liar this early in the morning, Rick."

"I didn't call you a lair. I just asked if you were sure. You may have forgotten."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, "Because all of a sudden I'm old and senile?"

Castle smiled, "No, not at all. Although you do seem to hear things that I don't say."

"It's the things you don't say that are spoken the loudest, Rick."

He raised a hand in surrender. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like I was accusing you of anything."

Her expression didn't lose its tightness. "Katie didn't say anything about you this morning. If she had given me a message for you, I would've told you. I would have no reason not to."

"Honestly, Richard," Martha said as she intervened. "I had to convince the woman that it was safe for her to come downstairs and you start interrogating her before she can even get to the table."

"Yeah, Dad," Alexis chimed in. "You could at least say good morning first."

His luck with women was running at an all time low, Castle thought to himself as he momentarily lowered his head. He took a breath and then returned his focus to Kate's mother. "I apologize, Johanna. I meant no offense."

"I don't...," she began to say.

"Require apologies," he finished for her, a feeling of irritation flaring within him. "But can you just accept one for the sake of doing so?"

"Fine," she answered, her tone returning to a forced lightness. "But only if you accept mine as well. I'm afraid I'm not myself today."

"Apology accepted," he replied; seeing the cracks in her armor and the tiredness in her eyes. "What would you like for breakfast?"

"Coffee will be fine," she told him.

"You should have more than that. You didn't eat breakfast yesterday and you only picked at your dinner."

"I'm not hungry."

He smiled, favoring her with the look that he used to give Alexis when she would deny being hungry as if to punish him for some slight. "Are you really going to be that way?" he asked her.

She eyed him, "You're just determined to start something with me this morning, aren't you?"

"No! Believe me; I don't want to fight with you."

"I should hope not, I did try to do some damage control for you last night. I'd hate to regret that."

His expression changed, softening a bit, "You did?"

She held his gaze, "Yes, I did."

"I'm sorry, Johanna," he said; a little more sincerity in his voice this time. "Maybe I'm not myself today either."

She nodded, "I understand."

"I'll get your coffee," he told her; "And some toast, and I'd appreciate if you'd at least try to eat some of it so Jim won't think I'm denying you food. I don't want to cross him where his wife is concerned...or his daughter either."

"For Jim's sake, I'll make myself eat it," she replied.

He gave her a nod, "That's all I ask."

Even though Johanna smiled and thanked him as he sat her coffee and toast down in front of her; he could still feel the undercurrents of tension. Martha felt it too and she did her best to keep the table engrossed in conversation. Eventually, Alexis made her escape to go shopping and after awhile, Martha glanced at her watch and rose from her seat.

"I have to get to my class," she announced.

"I wish I could go with you," Johanna commented. "I'd love to see your school."

The actress smiled warmly. "When you're able to; I'd love to have you join me for the day."

"That would be great," Johanna told her. "I look forward to it."

Martha said her goodbyes and then made her exit, leaving silence in her wake as Castle and Johanna sat at opposite ends of the table.

"Well, Rick; I guess it's just you and me," Johanna commented; a part of her enjoying the fact that he was already squirming in her presence.

"I guess so," he replied; feeling as awkward as he had when he had been a teenager having dinner with his girlfriend's parents for the first time. "When is Jim coming?" he asked as she picked up her buzzing phone to read a text message.

"He's going to be delayed," she answered. "His brother needs his help fixing his car."

"Jim can fix cars?"

"Yes, he can fix a lot of things. His father made sure they all could."

"How long does he think he'll be?" Castle asked.

Johanna shot him an amused look. "What's wrong, Rick? Are you afraid to be here with me?"

"No! Not at all," he answered.

"If you have something to do, then go do it. Don't stay on my account."

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"No," Johanna replied innocently. "I just don't want you to think that you have to stay here and babysit me. I'm capable of being alone."

"Should I go to the precinct?"

The woman shrugged. "That's up to you."

"A lot of help you are," Castle replied.

She eyed him, "I guess you just have to ask yourself how lucky you're feeling."

He smirked at her. "I didn't peg you as the type of woman who would quote Clint Eastwood, Johanna."

"Well maybe you don't have me as figured out as you think, Rick."

"You're a little cranky today," he replied.

"I believe I already apologized for that."

Castle nodded; "I think I'll take my chances with Kate, if you're sure you'll be fine here until Jim comes."

"I'll be fine," she promised. "Go to her."

---

Castle cautiously approached Kate's desk; a coffee cup in each hand and a silent prayer on his lips that she wouldn't throw him out of the precinct. Her posture was stiff and her pen tapped against her paperwork in an agitated rhythm. He stepped into her line of vision and carefully set the coffee cup down on her desk.

Kate's gaze flicked towards the cup and then to the face of the man who had delivered it. He wore the expression of a man who was braced for the worst and his blue eyes shone with apologies and worry.

"What are you doing here, Castle?" she asked; her tone somewhat brisk.

"You didn't say that I shouldn't come in," he answered.

"I would've thought it was obvious."

"Yeah, well, your mother is armed and quoting Clint Eastwood so I figured I'd rather take my chances with you."

A trace of a smirk touched her lips. "Did she tell you to make her day?"

He shook his head, "No; she told me I needed to ask myself how lucky I felt."

"Well, Castle, I'm actually kind of glad that you're here."

"Really?" he questioned; his brow raising with the thought that this couldn't be good.

"Yeah," she answered with a tight smile. "I'd like to have a word with you in the break room."

"May I ask what it's about?" he said as she rose from her chair.

"Apparently when one secret comes out, other secrets start tumbling out as well," Kate said cryptically.

"I don't have any other secrets," Castle stated as he followed her to the break room.

"Oh but you do."

There was only one thing that came to mind although he wasn't sure he'd classify it as a secret. "Look if this is about that talk I had with your mother last night; I swear I was only trying to apologize. I didn't mean to make things worse."

Kate closed the door and then spun on her heel to face him. "What did you do to my mother, Castle?" she asked; her eyes wide with the surprise of this new knowledge.

"You...you mean this isn't about that?" he stammered. "She didn't tell you?"

"No, she didn't but I guess now that you've let the cat out of the bag, you can tell me. See what I mean about secrets spilling out?"

"It's nothing really. I tried to apologize. She's too stubborn to accept and there may have been a discussion that didn't go all that well and now she might hate me a little but I'll fix it. I swear."

"That's between you and her," Kate replied; willing to overlook it so that she could get to her own agenda. "I want to know when you were going to tell me that you had paid for the repairs for my apartment."

"How did you find out?"

"Your friend called this morning asking me to come let him into the apartment so they could go ahead and install the new door and the security system. I said 'what security system?' and I'm informed that it's the one you requested to be installed. So I go over there to let them in and find out what's going on and I ask about the windows. I'm told they won't have the windows until the next day because they had to order in the shatter proof glass that you specified. I tell the man that I can't afford all of this high price stuff you specified to be installed and he tells me, "Don't worry, Mr. Castle already paid for it." Now do you want to tell me when you were going to inform me of this?"

Castle remained quiet for a minute as he took in the feeling of being busted once again. "I was going to tell you when the work was finished."

"Why then?"

"Because at that point there wouldn't be anything you could do about it."

"I don't need you to pay my bills, Castle," she remarked firmly.

"I know, but you need better protection and that comes at a high price, Kate. I didn't do it to offend you. I just wanted to make sure you'd be safe there...and your mother too of course."

"Did you ever think about discussing it with me?"

"You would've said no," he retorted; his tone holding a bit of an edge.

"You don't know that. I'm glad to have the upgrades, Castle; and I appreciate you wanting to give them to me but you should've talked to me about it. I have insurance, that will pay for some of it and we could've worked out an agreement for me to pay you back for the difference."

"I don't want you to pay me back," he replied; dropping his tone to a whisper to add, "I love you. I'll give you anything I have without conditions."

"I love you too, Rick," she remarked quietly; "But I don't want you to think that because we're together that you're going to be paying my way and I'll be damned if I want people thinking that I'm using you for your money."

He held her gaze, "Are we still together? Because after last night I wasn't too sure."

"Did I say it was over?"

"No, but maybe it was subtly implied and I missed it...like the 'don't come to the precinct' message that I didn't get."

She sighed, "We're still together, Castle; but if you're going to make it a habit of going behind my back and making all the decisions without me; then maybe we need to rethink this relationship."

He shook his head. "That's not what I'm doing."

"Then what do you call it?"

"Taking care of you," he answered.

"You can take care of me without keeping me in the dark. You may have noticed that I tend to get angry when I'm blindsided with something that's been kept from me."

Castle nodded, "Yes, I've noticed; and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I should've talked to you first before I made the decisions regarding your apartment but I'm telling you right now; I'm not taking your money so don't even think about trying to pay me back."

Kate dragged a hand through her hair. "I don't..."

"Kate," he said; his tone brokering no deal. "Just let me do this, okay."

She nodded but she hated to give in especially when she was still conflicted about what had happened the night before and she didn't want him thinking that his good deed erased her anger. "Don't go thinking that this makes what happened last night go away because it doesn't."

"I assure you that I didn't entertain that notion at all."

"Good," she remarked as a knock sounded at the door, followed by Esposito poking his head inside.

"Is this a bad time?" he asked.

"No more than usual," she answered. "Come on in."

Esposito and Ryan entered the room; their expressions conveying that they had news and that it wasn't good.

"What do you have?" she asked.

"The report from ballistics is back," Esposito announced; holding up the piece of paper. "They found DNA on one of the guns that we recovered from the vacant apartment...and it matched DNA from a previous case."

Here we go again, she thought. Was this going to be yet another link in the chain? Another victim that was unknown. "Which case?" she inquired.

"Yours," Esposito answered; his tone serious. "One of those shooters is the same person who put a bullet in your heart."

The statement hit her hard, stealing her breath for a moment as she absorbed the information.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked as he studied her intently.

She shook away the feelings that threatened to overwhelm her and nodded. "I'm fine. Have we been able to identify him yet?"

"No," Ryan answered. "No one in the database matches these samples."

She took the report from Esposito's hand and glanced at it quickly; feeling Castle hovering behind her shoulder. "Did we ever hear anything from CSU about the break in at Montgomery's?"

"They didn't find any prints," Esposito replied.

"Thanks guys," Kate said; gently dismissing them. "Let's keep digging. We have to be missing something somewhere."

Once they were gone, she sank down on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Castle hesitated for only a second and then joined her; cautiously placing a hand on her knee.

"Kate."

"I'm fine."

"Are you?" he asked.

She looked at him; "I don't have much choice but to be fine. It isn't like I've never thought about how he's been out there somewhere all of this time."

"We'll get him this time," he assured.

She scoffed; "What makes you so certain, Castle? Does your friend Smith have the guy's name and address?"

He exhaled heavily; taking the jab in stride. "Kate, I..."

She shook her head. "Not now, Castle. Not here."

"Then when?"

"I don't know. I just can't right now."

"Then what can I do?" he asked; anguish present in his tone at their discord. "What will you let me do?"

She thought about it for a second and then decided to push her anger away for the moment and give in to what she really needed. "Just hold me," she whispered.

His arms were around her in an instant as if he feared that she'd change her mind if he gave the slightest hint of hesitation. She clung to him for a long minute and then released him out of fear of being caught.

"We're not going to tell my mother about this," Kate said quietly.

"We're not?"

"No. She's worried enough and I'm not going to add to that."

Castle held her gaze. "Aren't you betraying her by keeping this from her?"

"No, I'm not," Kate stated; her eyes narrowing. "She knows there were two shooters and until we catch them, she doesn't need to know anything else."

"Why? Why shouldn't she know that one of those shooters is the same person that put a bullet in you?"

"Because I know what it would do to her," she remarked firmly.

"So you're keeping it from her for her own good?"

She knew what he was doing and she didn't exactly appreciate it at the moment. "This isn't about us, Castle. What you kept from me is different."

"I don't think it is, Kate. You claim that I betrayed you by withholding something that I thought was for your own good. Your mother betrayed you, also claiming that she had done it to protect you. Those things are wrong in your way of thinking, and I'll give you that in some ways they are. The point though is that you rail against that behavior when it's done to you and yet you're guilty of it too. You kept something from me for over a year. Now you're ready to keep something from Johanna. Why is it okay for you to do it but not anyone else?"

"I can't believe you!" she exclaimed in a hushed voice. "It's not the same. I'm not playing with her life, Castle and as for what I kept from you; we're past that and you don't need to throw it in my face like a five year old who says I pulled your hair because you pulled mine."

"I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to show you that you're not guilt free when it comes to holding something back."

"I'm not telling her," she said firmly; ignoring his point.

"I know," he answered. "You're going to keep from her because that's what is best for her emotionally."

"That's right," she said sharply.

"Which isn't any different from what I did when I kept Smith a secret from you."

Kate's jaw was tight with tension as her eyes narrowed. "Is calling me a hypocrite really supposed to make me look at what you did and say, 'Hey, that's okay. Let's just forget it'?"

"No," Castle stated as he tried to keep his frustration at bay. "I'm not asking you to forget about your anger. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be hurt. All I'm asking is that before you judge me; think about your own actions in the same area. Think about the way you try to protect people by not telling them things. You're the same as I am, Kate. We do what we have to do to protect the people that we love and sometimes in doing that, we have to do things we don't like...like withholding information."

She turned her head, blinking back tears. "My mother must be rubbing off on you, Castle. That sounds like something she would say."

"Yeah, well...she kind of did when she told me last night that I could judge her all I wanted but that I wasn't perfect either," Castle remarked; recalling the words Johanna spoke when he had delivered her laptop to her.

"I never claimed to be perfect, Castle," Kate replied quietly.

"I know...I just don't want this to become something bigger than it has to be."

"I have to get back to work," she stated as she rose from the couch. "We'll talk about it later."

He sighed as she left the room. He hoped later wouldn't be weeks from now.

---

The atmosphere between them had been awkward and slightly uncomfortable all day and it continued as they made their trek back to the loft and it carried on until everyone began to drift to their rooms for the evening to escape it. Kate's mind was heavy with the words Castle had spoken earlier in the day, and the ones her mother had voiced the night before but instead of heading to Castle's room, she climbed the stairs to join the rest of the women of the household as she had done the night before.

Johanna was sitting against the headboard with her book in hand when Kate reentered the room dressed for bed. As her daughter settled into the space beside her, she laid the book down and looked at her.

"Do you remember last night when I said that this reminded me of when you were little?"

"Yeah," Kate answered. "Why?"

"It was never a problem to let you stay with me and your father if you were upset or not feeling well. You needed me and that made it okay; but you should also remember that I always put you back in your own bed the next night."

"What are you getting at, Mother?" Kate asked; although she had a feeling she knew.

"What I'm getting at is that last night you needed to be here," Johanna answered. "But now you need to go get back in your own bed."

"I would love to get back into my own bed but the windows aren't fixed yet."

"Katherine," Johanna said; her tone telling her daughter that she knew that she had purposely misread her statement.

"That's not my bed," Kate replied; knowing that she had been called out.

"You're in a relationship with him, that makes half the bed yours. Just like your father's bed is half mine...and I'd love to be able to go crawl into it but I don't have that choice. You, on the other hand, have the option of being where you belong...so go."

An amused smile touched Kate's lips. "Are you pushing me out of the nest, mama bird?"

Johanna laughed softly. "Yes; but I wouldn't if I thought there was a chance that you might go splat on the sidewalk."

"That's comforting," she laughed.

"Go on, honey," her mother said quietly as she patted her hand. "Don't let this drag out; not with the way things are right now."

Kate looked her in the eye, "Nothing's going to happen to us."

"Nothing in life is guaranteed, Katie. We don't know what's going to happen or when. Don't leave it to chance."

"Don't think like that. You're always the one saying that there's always hope."

"I have hope," Johanna replied. "And I want you to have hope too but I'm not a child, Kate. I'm a grown woman. I'm well aware of how the world works and the possible outcomes of this situation. You can't shield me from it."

There was that sentiment again, Kate thought to herself. Everywhere she looked someone was trying to shield someone and just as Castle had said earlier; she was as guilty of it as everyone else. She was sitting there at that very moment withholding a piece of information from her mother because she wanted to protect her emotionally. She was no better than the rest of them and it was a sobering thought which made her think that maybe before she went downstairs she needed to broach what worried her so much and made her want to shield her mother in the terms of emotion.

"I just don't want you to give up," she began. "And I don't want you sliding into a state of depression... I don't like when you're in that place. You talked about how you lived with depression a lot in Wyoming and while I've only glimpsed it a few times while you've been with me...it worries me."

"I don't like being in that place either," her mother answered. "But your father isn't going to let me slide any further than is acceptable given the circumstances. He's got me. If I start to fall, he's going to pull me back up on the ledge with him. I know you worry but you don't need to. I'm fine and your father will take care of me. Now you go and take care of you."

It stung in a way to feel like she was being told that her concern wasn't needed or wanted but she made herself think it through before giving in to a hasty reaction. Her mother wasn't telling her that she didn't appreciate her worry or the way she tried to protect her emotionally…she was just trying to release her from the thought that she had to carry the responsibility. She was reaffirming that she was the mother and that she had placed herself and whatever care she needed firmly in the hands of her husband where those responsibilities had always rested.

Finally, Kate nodded in acceptance before getting out of the bed and heading for the door, but she paused as her hand gripped the door knob. "And if this talk doesn't go the way I hope it does?"

"Then you can come back to the nest and we'll work out plan B," her mother answered.

"Okay, wish me luck."

"Hey," Johanna said; stopping her and causing her to turn her head in her direction.

"What?"

"You may be a Beckett but you're also half McKenzie."

"And?" Kate asked.

Johanna grinned, "And McKenzie women always get their man. Just ask your daddy."

She laughed, "I left my little black dress at home."

"You'll do just fine without it," Johanna assured.

She gave her a small smile as she opened the door. "I won't let the McKenzie legacy down."

---

Kate hesitated as she stood outside of Castle's bedroom door. Her teeth worried her bottom lip as she contemplated what to say. Under normal circumstances she probably wouldn't be seeking a resolution so quickly but her mother was right. Nothing was certain and she didn't want this argument hanging between her and Castle if something should happen to her.

If it came to that scenario, she'd rather him have thoughts about how she loved him and a cache of good memories to reflect upon. She wouldn't want him to constantly be replaying their fight in his mind and blaming himself for whatever happened. It was more than that though. She just didn't want to do this. She didn't want to force herself to remain angry and she didn't want to tell herself that she had to keep him at arms length…especially when all she wanted was to pull him close to her.

Slowly she raised her hand and knocked on the door. She could hear his footsteps as they padded towards the door and she tried to prepare herself for the conversation ahead. The door opened and he appeared before her; his expression betraying only the slightest hint of surprise.

"Can we talk?" she asked as her eyes locked upon his.

"Yeah; sure," he answered as he stepped back to allow her in; hope fluttering in his chest at the sight of her.

They stood awkwardly in the middle of the room for a moment before Kate perched at the foot of the bed. Castle hesitated for a second and then joined her, leaving a small amount of space between them in case she wanted or needed distance between them. She glanced at him and found him to be watching her; patience in his eyes as he waited for her to tell him what was on her mind. The problem was; there was so very much on her mind and finding the right words to express it all was a larger task then one would assume.

"You were right," she finally said. "I am a hypocrite."

"I don't believe I called you that."

"I think it was implied."

Castle released a heavy breath. "Kate, I didn't really mean it like that."

A touch of a smile graced her lips. "There really isn't any other way to take what you said, Castle. I'm not angry about it."

She might not be angry about it but it made him feel uncomfortable that he had, in the essence of making a point, called her a hypocrite. "But I don't want you to think that I see you that way because I don't."

"I know that I'm a flawed person. I've even told you that myself in a few different ways. You don't have to pretend that I'm something extraordinary; because I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not."

"But you are," he interrupted. "I'm not pretending. You've always been and always will be extraordinary to me."

"I'm glad to be that in your eyes, Castle; but that doesn't mean you have to ignore the parts of me that are nowhere near extraordinary. It's okay for you to see my flaws; just like it's okay for me to see yours."

"Mine?" he said in surprise; making her laugh softly.

"Surely you were aware that you have a few," Kate remarked.

"Of course but I thought I had done a better job at hiding them from you."

She shook her head, a slight smirk on her face. "You've never done well at hiding them, Castle; but your flaws are nothing that I mind living with."

"That's good to know. Does that mean you plan on keeping me around?"

"We didn't break up, Rick," Kate said as she held his gaze.

"I know," he replied; "But sometimes it's hard to know where I stand with you when you're angry."

"I know the feeling," she commented; thinking back to the days of Jacinda and his jaunt with Detective Slaughter.

He seemed to catch her drift with that statement and he nodded in understanding. "I know you do."

She was quiet for a minute as she prepared to wade into deeper waters. "Rick, I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate the fact that you want to protect me; because I do. I just don't appreciate the way you went about it."

"Smith contacted me, Kate. I didn't go to him. Montgomery didn't tell me anything about him."

"But..."

"No buts, Kate," Castle responded. "I couldn't tell you and even if I had; I would've had nothing to offer you in the way of a lead. He has never disclosed the identity of the person we're after. He's not someone that I'm in constant contact with. I haven't heard from him in months."

"Not even when my mother came home?"

"No. The call you overheard was the first call I've received from him since Johanna has been back. I didn't know what had happened to him; if he had died or had left the country or what and I had no way of finding out."

"If he tells you nothing; then what does he say when he calls?"

He explained to her the nature of the few calls he had received from Smith and when he finished, she looked him in the eye. "That's it?" she asked.

He nodded; "That's it."

"And with this man saying so little; don't you think that it might have been unwise to place your trust in him so easily?"

"In hindsight, maybe," he admitted; "But to keep you alive; I'd do anything, Kate. I didn't agree to this deal to hurt you. I agreed to it because I love you."

"I understand that, Castle; but can't you understand how I feel about this?" she asked quietly.

"I do understand, Kate."

"Do you?"

"Yes; you feel like I betrayed your trust; but I haven't."

"Castle," she sighed.

"I haven't, Kate," he said firmly.

"Okay; so it's not the ultimate betrayal," she stated; "But it doesn't hurt any less to know that you're running around behind my back, making decisions for me like I'm Alexis. I'm a grown woman, Rick; and I already have a father..."

"I'm aware of that," he responded; slightly chaffed at the accusation she was implying. "And he feels helpless; I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at you or her."

"Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I don't see it? I see that look in his eyes every day and I know that he'd just like to pick her up and run off with her somewhere where he could keep her safe."

"Because he loves her," he interrupted; "Just like I love you."

"I'm not disputing the fact that you love me, Rick. I know you do; and hopefully you know that I love you; but my trust isn't something that you can play with...especially right now."

"I'm not trying to!"

She placed her hand on top of his to soothe him; hoping to head off a new argument. "I'm not saying that I don't trust you anymore...I did leave my mother with you last night and this morning so that should be proof enough that I still have trust in you. You just made me question it and I don't want to have to question you. You're the one person I know I can rely on no matter what and that makes me feel safe, Rick. If you take that away from me, then I feel vulnerable."

"You don't have to question me," he responded. "I'm still the person I've always been. You can trust me and rely on me. I'll always do everything I can to make you feel safe."

She believed him but there were still those other worries on her mind. "Did you ever take into consideration that you might be putting yourself in more danger by working with this person?" she asked.

"I didn't worry about that," he admitted; "They're after you; I didn't feel that I needed to worry about me."

"Well I worry about you," Kate stated. "And you should worry about yourself too. If they want me and my mother that badly, do you think they'll hesitate to come after you if they feel like you're standing in their way? I don't want that, Castle. I don't want to be the cause of Alexis losing her dad and Martha losing her son."

"Kate; if you remove the personal factors; then this case isn't any different than all of the others we've worked together. There is always the possibility for danger…but there's a possibility for danger in normal, every day life."

"But it is different," she said firmly; "And we can't remove the personal factors and make this seem like any other run of the mill case. I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to you because you were dealing with some mystery man on my behalf without my knowledge. You're already standing on the front line with me, that's enough of a risk."

"I know that you want me to apologize and say that I was wrong," Castle remarked; "But I can't be sorry for taking a chance that might keep you with me. I just can't apologize for that."

"I'm not asking you to," Kate answered. "I'm asking you to not make me doubt my trust in you. I'm asking you to promise me that you're not going to keep things like this from me anymore. It isn't fair to me, Rick; and it isn't fair to you. I understand your motives; really, I do and like I said I appreciate them but you have to look at the big picture before you just jump into something like this."

He felt chastened but maybe she had a point. He did have a past history of jumping into things that he felt were good ideas at the time but weren't things he had entirely thought through. She had so much to worry about already; and he knew that he was already on that list just by being her partner…but now he had added to the weight of worry she held in regard to him and that wasn't fair, even if he had good intentions in doing what he did.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Smith sooner," Castle told her. "I probably should've told you when someone took that first shot at Johanna. I…I just didn't have anything to give you with the knowledge that this man existed. I can't even tell you how to contact him. I'm sorry, Kate. It was never my intention to hurt you or to make you question your trust in me…that's something I never want to destroy."

"You haven't," she told him.

"Saying it is easy," he replied; "But what concerns me is that you might have doubts about me now."

"Are you going to give me reason to doubt you?" Kate asked.

"Not intentionally."

"Are you going to do something like this again?"

"I can't promise you that I won't do everything in my power to keep you safe," Castle stated.

"That's not the question, Castle. The question is, are you going to keep things like this from me again?"

"No. No more secrets, Kate…but that's a two way street."

"I completely agree," Kate replied. "I don't want to keep things from you either…but I also don't want you making important decisions without me. We're supposed to be in this together…and to me that means we make decisions together."

"You're right," he agreed. "We're in a serious, committed relationship now and we need to communicate better than we sometimes do."

"Okay," she said; "One more thing?"

"What's that?"

"I don't want you to automatically assume that if I get angry with you that it means we are over and done with. Just because I get angry sometimes doesn't mean I'm going to walk away from you. I like to think that no matter what; unless it's something huge that's unforgivable, that I would give us a chance to work things out. I'm not just going to throw this away, Rick. I love you, and I'm going to put in my share of the effort in this relationship."

He gave her a smile; "Assuming things is probably one of my flaws."

A soft laugh passed through her lips as she nodded. "Yeah; it is."

"I'll work on it."

"I'll work on my flaws too."

He was quiet for a minute as he took her hand and held it. "Does this mean I'm forgiven?"

"Yes, Castle; I forgive you," Kate said quietly.

"So…does that mean you're going to stay here tonight?" he asked hopefully as he gestured to the bed they were sitting on.

"If you'll have me back," she replied; a small grin tugging at her lips.

"Most definitely," he answered as he pulled her towards him to capture her lips in a passionate kiss.

"I take it that you're anxious to get started on the making up process," Kate commented as they broke apart.

"They do say it's the best part of an argument," Castle replied; mischief shining in his eyes.

She smiled; "That's one of your saner theories."

"Which makes it worth checking into; don't you think?"

"I think so," she agreed as she pulled him back for another long, slow kiss.

---

The next morning as they ate breakfast; Castle answered a knock at the door and allowed Ryan and Esposito inside.

"What's going on?" Kate asked them as they sat down at the table.

"I got a call late last night from Shadow's ex-wife," Esposito informed her.

"What did she want?"

"She remembered a close friend that Shadow had. They were in the military together and afterwards they went through the police academy together. She said that they always stayed in touch."

"And did she give you this friend's name?" Kate asked.

"David Allan Jenkins," Ryan announced as he opened the folder he was carrying and extracted a photo that he laid on the table for them to view.

"I know that guy," Castle said; his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to place where he had seen the man before.

"You should," Kate responded; her voice tense as she viewed the photo. "That's Detective Jenkins of the 12th precinct."

"I think we may have found our leak," Esposito stated as Kate's gaze flicked back to his face.

"Before we go making that accusation officially, we better have some facts to back it up," Beckett said; "Especially if I need to go to Gates about this. She's going to want more concrete proof than just a friendship."

"How do you want to do this?" Ryan asked.

"We'll dig into his background," Kate answered. "Let's see if we can connect him to any of our ex cons that were hired to do Shadow's dirty work. He may have been an arresting officer for one or all of them at some point in time. Dig into his financials, see if there is any suspicious activity or payments like we found with the others. Check phone records and work schedules. See if he called off on any of the dates when an incident occurred. Let's try to do this quietly and discreetly."

"And I say we better do it as quickly as possible in case he would get wind that his name has been mentioned," Esposito added.

She nodded in agreement, "Let's get to work."

---

Once the four of them were at the precinct and tucked away in a private conference room, they threw themselves into the task of investigating Detective Jenkins. Kate decided that they should begin with the arrest records of the convicts that Shadow had hired to carry out his dirty work. Given the lengthy records of each man, the work was long and tedious as they sifted through the reports but in the end it paid off. Jenkins had been either the arresting officer or involved in an arrest for each suspect at one time or another. The findings made Kate feel like she had finally answered one of the questions that was jotted down in the back of the notebook she and Johanna wrote notes in about the case. If Jenkins was their leak, then they now knew how Shadow found his 'employees'.

The thought energized her and she pushed her team in the next direction. They began digging into the Detective's phone records. The findings weren't as promising there as they found no unusual activity and no direct link to Shadow. Castle seemed to sense her disappointment and reminded her that when they searched Shadow's apartment they had found a box of burner cells. It was possible, he suggested, that Jenkins may also have a stash of phones to use for any unsavory dealings. Kate agreed with that thought, as did her colleagues as they commented in between bites of the food they had ordered.

She shook off her mild disappointment and pressed forward; asking Ryan to get them copies of the work schedules so that they could compare dates of incidents with the shifts Jenkins had worked. They checked the schedule for the most current incident date first. Jenkins hadn't been at work when the shooting had occurred at Kate's apartment. The knowledge made her feel sick to her stomach. Esposito; who was digging into Jenkins's military background, didn't make her feel any better by informing her that their suspect had experience as a sniper and that he had training in communication systems. He would have had the ability to patch into the radio of the unit that had been guarding her apartment.

Castle once again brought up the question of whether Shadow and now Jenkins, could have a shared military connection with Dick Coonan. Kate ordered Esposito to dig deeper into that angle while she, Castle and Ryan went back to comparing dates. Jenkins was in the clear for the day of her car accident and the break in.

"But what's more dangerous?" Kate wondered aloud. "When he's here or when he isn't? If it's him, and he's in the precinct, then he's privy to any work we do on the case at any given moment as details develop."

"Which would explain a lot," Castle remarked. "That's why they're able to stay ahead of us. He's here listening and watching and knowing exactly what we're going to do and how long they have to take care of their problem and erase any trail back to them."

"I agree, but we need more proof that it is Jenkins."

"He wasn't working the night Shadow was killed," Ryan stated; "We did have the thought that since Shadow's killer knew the building well enough to avoid showing his face to the security cameras that he might've been someone Shadow knew...and if these guys were friends and partners in this, then it could be probable that Jenkins was the one who did him in."

"Let's look at the photos we pulled from the security camera footage," Beckett replied. "Let's see if the person in the film matches the height and body type of Jenkins."

Ryan retrieved the photos and spread them out for them to study. After several minutes, Kate glanced up at Caste and Ryan and said, "I think it's possible."

Esposito returned to the conference room with a page of notes in his hand. "I looked into the military connection of all three men; and I've found that Shadow and Jenkins were in the same unit for the entire time they were in the service. Coonan was in a different unit but both units were stationed together in the same place for a period of six months; which is probably just enough time for three psychos to bond."

"It's looking more and more like Jenkins is our man," Kate commented. "Let's keep going."

"It's getting late," Castle said. "Maybe we should call it a night and pick it up in the morning...when Captains and Judges are in their offices and readily available for consultations and warrant signings."

She understood his point and nodded despite her desire to press forward. "Listen," she said to all of them; "Any notes, documents or reports that can be used as evidence of a connection between Jenkins and anyone associated with this case, does not stay in this building. We take everything home with us. I'm not taking any chances of anything disappearing before I can use it."

---

It was a restless night for Kate as she waited for the hours to tick away so that she could get back to work. Her feelings of anxiousness seemed to be contagious and the entire household lingered in the living room until late in the night. When morning finally came; Kate drug a sleepy Castle from his bed with orders that if he was coming with her than he better get a move on. She called Ryan and Esposito from the car to make sure they were on their way to the precinct; and after a brief stop for coffee, she and Castle arrived a few minutes behind them.

"Let's get into his financial records," Kate ordered. "That should be the final piece of the puzzle. If he has payments going into his account like the other men did; then I'll go to Gates and present our findings to her."

Jenkins had a few different accounts; the first showing nothing unusual and appeared to be used for his paycheck and bill paying, just as one of Shadow's had been. The second appeared to be a savings account that had only a few hundred dollars in it and Kate was starting to feel discouraged until they uncovered the third account. The third account showed a series of payments from the time frame of Johanna's reappearance clear up to the day after the shooting incident at the apartment. She took note of the fact that the amount of the payments had been less than Shadow's...that was until their middle man had been eliminated. Jenkins payments took a significant jump the day after Shadow's murder.

"We've got him," Kate stated as she gathered up the documentation that she needed to go to Gates. "Is he working today?" she asked Ryan.

"No," the detective answered. "He took the day off."

"Then we better get moving in case he's up to something," Esposito stated.

Kate took their findings and marched into Gates' office; closing the door behind her. She wasted no time in laying it all out for the Captain who looked over the documentation. When she finished, Gates looked up at Kate and held her gaze. "Get your warrant and get him in here. Now," she demanded. Those were exactly the words Kate Beckett wanted to hear.

She hurriedly did the paperwork for a warrant and placed a call to Judge Markway who agreed to sign it. It wasn't long before they were headed to Jenkins's apartment.

"Please let this be it," she silently prayed. "Please let me end it today."

The four of them were silent as they took the elevator to the fifth floor; looks of determination on their faces. As the elevator doors slid open, they heard shots being fired coming from the direction of the apartment at the far end of the hallway which belonged to Jenkins.

"Go," Kate exclaimed as she feared the worse.

Ryan and Esposito rushed towards the door, busting through it with guns drawn and Kate on their heels. Jenkins was lying on the floor, gunshot wounds in his stomach and chest. The curtains of the window fluttered in the breeze and Esposito hurried to the window.

"He's going down the fire escape," he stated as he began to climb out to go after him.

"Ryan, go with him, I'll take care of things here," Beckett ordered. Ryan gave a quick nod and hurried out onto the fire escape after his partner. Castle entered the apartment Kate did a quick scan of the rest of the rooms, making sure that no one else was inside.

"Beckett; he's still alive," Castle said as he knelt next to Jenkins.

Kate made the call for an ambulance and for back up for Ryan and Esposito before kneeling down beside the disgraced detective. Her hands joined Castle's in the mission to apply pressure to the wounds that he had sustained.

Her gaze glittered with hardness as she looked into Jenkins's face. "Who shot you?" she demanded to know.

The wounded man had the audacity to smirk even though pain was written clearly upon his features. "I'm not telling you anything," he answered; his breathing labored with effort.

"How could you do this?" she spat; not bothering to explain what she meant as she was sure he knew all to well.

"I don't owe you any loyalty," Jenkins spoke; "And even if I did; it wouldn't pay as well as this job."

"Tell me who is behind this," Kate demanded.

He tried to laugh but fell short; the color rapidly draining from his face. "You'll never get him, Beckett," he wheezed. "You and your mother may as well lay down and die on your own because you won't beat him."

"Give me a name," she said through clenched teeth.

He gave a small shake of his head. "I'm not going to do that. Like I said; you'll never win this war," he told her; his lips curling into an evil smirk. "Your mother would be dead right now if she hadn't moved as soon as I fired that first shot."

Rage flooded her body and she pressed the heel of her palm against his wound with force; causing him to cry out. "You son of a bitch," she seethed as she forced herself to release some of the pressure she was putting on the wound. "I hope you rot in hell."

"Maybe I'll see you there, Detective," Jenkins said; his voice becoming weaker. "And your mother too."

She wanted so badly to add one of her bullets to the collection in his body to hasten his journey to the fiery place she hoped awaited him. Castle must've sensed the blackness of her thoughts and spoke her name in a tone that pulled her back from the urge.

"He's losing a lot of blood," Castle said as Jenkins lost consciousness.

Kate glanced at him; "Don't except me to roll up my sleeve and donate."

The comment surprised him just as much as her action of pressing against the wound but he allowed it to pass because she had every right to feel the way she did.

"Hey, he's not getting a drop of my high quality blood either," he told her.

The siren of the ambulance wailed in the distance and Kate hoped they'd hurry so that she could remove her hands from the vileness she was touching. She felt the raw edge of emotion sweeping over her as she replayed Jenkins's comment about taking aim at her mother. She forced it back, swallowing hard as the sound of the siren drew closer. There would be time to deal with that later.

Jenkins was barely clinging to life as he was loaded into an ambulance. The paramedics told her that they didn't expect him to make it to the hospital and Kate couldn't bring herself to feel any remorse over that news. She only briefly wondered if that made her a bad person before pushing those thoughts aside and snapping into cop mode. She had called for CSU as Jenkins was being worked on and they arrived in record time and were now setting about photographing the crime scene and dusting for prints since Ryan and Esposito had yet to return with their suspect.

She wasn't worried; she had heard from a uniform that they were in radio contact. Her hands were clean now, much to her relief and she snapped on a pair of blue evidence gloves in anticipation of her search. Castle did the same, saying surprisingly little as he waited to follow her lead. Before she could decide upon where she wanted to start, Ryan and Esposito appeared in the doorway of the apartment; their expressions full of dejection and frustration as they approached her.

"What happened?" she asked.

"We lost him," Esposito answered. "He had a small head start on us down the fire escape but I thought we'd be able to catch up once we got to the bottom. I didn't plan on him jumping once he was half way down. I jumped down after him intending to take a shot at him but there were people in the way. We chased him down to the subway."

"I followed after him," Ryan said as he picked up the dialogue, "While Esposito took the other entrance so we could get him at either end. I swear I never took my eyes off of him but as he kept weaving in and out of the crowds, it got harder and harder to keep track of him and eventually I lost him."

"He never came my way," Esposito stated. "We think he jumped onto the train that was ready to pull out. We searched everywhere and didn't find a trace of him."

"We're sorry, Beckett," Ryan told her; anguish in the detectives eyes at the thought that they had let her down.

Kate shook her head, "Guys, I know that if you could've gotten him, you would have. You did your best and that's all I ask."

Neither man seemed to be absolved of the guilt that they clearly felt as their eyes darted away from her for a moment.

"What about Jenkins?" Esposito asked; switching the focus.

She and Castle filled them in on Jenkins's condition and what he had said before he lost consciousness. When they were through, Kate's eyes scanned the apartment. "Let's rip this place apart," she told them.

They methodically searched every inch of Jenkins's apartment and by the time they were finished, they had turned up Montgomery's laptop, a burner cell and the equipment that could've been used to patch into the radio of the unit that had been on guard at Kate's apartment the night of the shooting. They had also come across Shadow's missing cell phone, bringing home the fact that he was indeed the killer of their middle man.

When they were finished, they packed up Jenkins's weapons, computer and flash drives along with the memory cards from a camera and headed back to the precinct to brief Gates.

---

It was late by the time Castle and Beckett returned to the loft. Ryan and Esposito had tagged along with them; all of them feeling the need to lick their wounds and vent their frustration after the day they had experienced; not to mention facing Gates in the aftermath. Johanna was standing in the kitchen, putting icing on brownies as they filed in. Kate hadn't said much during her calls to check in but her tone had told her everything that her words hadn't. Things hadn't gone well.

As Castle fetched a bottle of scotch and some glasses; Johanna caught his eye. "Your mother gave me permission to take over your kitchen for the evening, Rick."

He gave her a small smile; "Johanna, you can take over whatever you want."

She shifted her attention away from him; her gaze landing on her daughter. "Are all of you okay?"

"We're fine," Kate told her.

"What happened?" Johanna asked as she focused her eyes on her task instead of the people gathered around the table. They all set about filling her in on what had occurred; with Kate leaving out a few select utterances made by Jenkins.

"Did Jenkins survive?" her mother asked.

Kate shook her head. "He died in the emergency room."

Johanna was quiet as she digested this new development. She hadn't held out much hope but it was like being stuck with a needle; you knew to except the pain but it always felt sharper than you had anticipated.

"We're sorry, Johanna," Esposito stated. "We tried to get the other guy."

"Honey you don't owe me any apologies," she told them. "I know that you're doing everything you can. I'm just glad to see you all home safely. I don't want any of you getting hurt."

"I've already tried to convince them that no one blames them," Kate stated as she looked at her colleagues. "We all lose suspects. It sucks but it happens; at least you got a good enough look at him for a sketch."

"Yeah, well, tell that to Gates," Esposito said after he took a sip of his drink. "She acts like I looked at the guy and said, 'Hey, I know you're trying to kill my friends but I'm going to let you get away anyway just for the hell of it."

The plate of brownies was set down in the middle of the table, and Johanna put her hand on the young man's shoulder. "If you know in your heart that you did everything that you could possibly do; then don't let her get under your skin. She's the boss; she has to act that way. She probably has a quota for lectures. Now have a brownie; it won't solve anything but I find that it helps."

For the first time all day, Esposito cracked a smile as he reached for a treat. "Thanks, Mama B."

Not to be out done; Ryan glanced up at the older woman. "I got yelled at too, you know. I am the one who lost him in the subway."

Johanna's hand moved to his shoulder. "It's alright, dear. How can you not lose someone in the subway? I lost my sister there once when we were kids. It took me a half hour to find her and then I gave her my allowance to keep her mouth shut... and the brat still went home and tattled on me."

"Yeah, but I'm a cop," Ryan answered.

"You're still human," she said. "I have faith in all of you and things will work out. Today just wasn't the right time."

"Does that mean I can have a brownie?" Ryan asked.

She smiled; "Yes. That's why I made them."

Kate couldn't help but laugh a little as her mother took a seat. "I'm going to have to bring you down to the precinct on bruised ego days."

"That's probably in my contract as den mother," Johanna replied.

"I hope you got your allowance back from your sister," Castle commented as he was still thinking about the story she had told.

"Oh I got it back alright," she remarked; a gleam in her eyes that hinted that she might have used a certain amount of force in doing so.

"Scotch?" Castle asked Johanna as he picked up the remaining glass on the table. "Or are you partial to wine?"

"Actually I'm partial to tequila," she answered; "But scotch will do fine."

Castle glanced to Kate; amusement in his eyes. "Did you know your mother is partial to tequila?"

She laughed, "Yeah, I know. One of Dad's favorite stories to tell is about the time she had too many margaritas and was convinced that her shoes were stuck to her feet."

The table erupted in laughter as Johanna's cheeks colored with embarrassment. "Thank you for sharing that, Katie," she remarked sarcastically.

Kate shrugged; mischief in her eyes as she relaxed a bit. "We had a bad day, we needed a good laugh."

"I know," her mother answered; "That's why I baked 'feel better brownies', I didn't intend on being the entertainment too."

"It's not my fault if your past is funny," her daughter remarked.

"I'm going to get your father for telling you that story," Johanna told her; "And maybe I should stage a story hour about you. What would you like me to start with? The story about the Lego up your nose or the time you crashed your bike while..."

"Neither!" Kate exclaimed; cutting her off.

"I think I want to hear about the bike incident," Castle spoke up.

Johanna grinned as Kate narrowed her eyes at her and said, "Mother-Daughter confidentiality. You promised."

Her mother nodded, "You're right I did promise to keep that under wraps. Sorry, Rick; I'm afraid I can't tell you that story after all."

It grew quiet for several minutes; the heavy pallor of the day wrapping around them again before they began to rehash it all over again in a vain attempt to find some minor detail they had overlooked. Johanna watched them go through their motions and read the strain on their faces. Finally, she decided to use her motherly influence to put an end to it.

"It's late," she said quietly as she glanced around at them. "Don't beat yourselves up about today. Tomorrow is a new day full of possibilities and fresh ideas. Get some rest; it'll look better in the morning."

"Speaking of tomorrow," Kate said. "I got a message saying that the windows will be installed tomorrow."

"Good," Johanna replied.

"That doesn't mean the two of you need to be in a rush to leave though," Castle commented.

The women shared a glance as Kate rose from her seat to follow Ryan and Esposito to the door. "We'll talk about it after the repairs are finished, Castle. This wasn't supposed to be a permanent stay."

"That doesn't mean it can't be extended," he replied.

She gave him a look, "Castle; we're not discussing this tonight. I'm tired, you're tired and it will just end up being an argument so…let's talk about it some other time, okay?"

He gave a nod of acceptance to her wishes and allowed the topic to drop…for the time being.

---

Two days later; they were no closer to finding the man who had killed Detective Jenkins and the repair work had been finished at Kate's apartment. Castle was at the bottom of the barrel for lame excuses to keep her and Johanna at the loft, so he decided it was time to broach the more serious excuses.

"Why don't you just stay here?" Castle asked as he watched her pack. "You're safe here."

"We'll be okay, Castle. I now have shatter proof windows, a security system and a strong new door with sturdy locks. I talked to Gates and she agreed to it and she'll be beefing up police presence in the neighborhood."

"I find it hard to believe that Gates went along with this so willingly."

She turned to face him. "I didn't say it was an easy battle but when I laid out my thoughts and concerns about alternative options and told her about the upgrades to my place, she reluctantly came around to my way of thinking."

"Kate..."

"Rick, we need to go home," she said firmly but with patient understanding.

"But why?" he asked; the look of rejection sweeping across his face.

She sighed and moved to sit down next to him on the foot of the bed. She took his hand and looked him in the eye. "It's not like I'm trying to run away from you. I know you worry but there are things to take into consideration."

"Like what?"

"Like Martha and Alexis," Kate answered. "I worry about placing them in danger by being here and Mom worries about that too."

Castle shook his head. "Nothing is going to happen here."

"You don't know that, Castle."

"Kate, this is a secure building. There's..."

"Nothing's fool proof," she stated; interrupting him. "Security can be breeched anywhere if someone wants in badly enough and I'd rather not place Martha and Alexis in that situation. I care about them, Rick, and thinking about potentially putting them in harms way is a worry I don't need and neither do you. I can't keep my Dad away completely but we can be distanced from your family."

"I understand those feelings and that you already have a lot on your plate in terms of worries but I don't think the risk is there like you're making it out to be. You're grasping at excuses to leave."

She looked him in the eye. "I'm leaving your home, Castle; not you."

He was glad to hear that but he wasn't ready to concede just yet. "What are your other reasons?" he demanded to know.

"My mother."

"Johanna is fine."

"No, she isn't," Kate said. "She barely sleeps, she hardly eats. She's not comfortable here."

He released a heavy breath. "That's my fault."

"No, it's not your fault. I think that she's just accustomed to being at my apartment and having to pick up and move somewhere else, brought back bad memories."

"No, it's me. I said things and made her feel like she wasn't welcome here. What if I apologize again?"

"No, don't apologize to her anymore!" she exclaimed quietly. "She hates that."

"I don't know why," he said with exasperation.

"Because the street Johanna Beckett owns and lives on is called Apologize," Kate stated. "In her mind, it's her job to do all of the apologizing. She'll take all of the punches, the comments, accusations, and judgments but she can't accept having someone apologize to her. That's why it's always 'fine' when someone says or does something hurtful to her. She thinks she deserves it. It doesn't matter how many times Dad and I tell her that she's been forgiven. She hasn't forgiven herself and she never will."

"But I don't like feeling like I've done something to hurt her," Castle replied. "To me, if I hurt your mother, than I'm hurting you too because she's apart of you."

"She's not mad at you, and I don't think she's hurt in the way you mean. She's…complicated," Kate said for a lack of better words.

He glanced at her, the words, 'now we know where you get it from' on the tip of his tongue but he swallowed them back and her studious gaze noted the fact. "You made the right choice by not voicing that thought, Castle," she said lightly.

"I thought so too."

"Listen, her issues aren't with you; they're with herself and you can't do anything about that and neither can I. Maybe when she's home with Dad, he can help her work those things out, but I promise that she's fine with you. She hasn't said anything negative about you, she basically defended you in some ways when I was angry and if you had done something to her that she hadn't overlooked or forgave, she wouldn't have done that."

"I still wish you'd stay here," he remarked.

"I know" she answered; "And it isn't that I don't like it here or that I don't want to be here…it's just that we need to be in our own space. I know that in this room, I don't have to hide what I feel and I can fall apart, but I can't do that in front of your mother or your daughter and my mother doesn't want to do that either. So we're both walking around here trying to disguise what we're thinking and how we feel because we don't want to bring them down or worry them."

"I understand what you're saying," Castle replied. "But neither one of you are very good at hiding what you're thinking or feeling so you both may as well just stay here and be yourselves."

Kate laughed softly, "Castle, we know we're not the great actresses that Martha is, but we try…and it's a strain. We need the freedom to be in the privacy of my home where we can cry or talk about stupid things that don't mean anything to anybody but us just for the distraction. We need to be able to walk the floors at night or camp out in front of the television if we can't sleep…and my mom desperately needs a kitchen that she can be in at any hour she pleases, baking and cooking to her heart's content because that's how she deals. I can't do a lot for her right now, but I can make her comfortable by taking her back to a place that's familiar…and I need that too. I don't want to be afraid to be in my home, Rick; and I think the longer we stay, the harder it's going to be to go back."

"But I'll miss you," he replied with a pout; hoping that a different tactic would do the trick.

She smiled and then closed the distance between them and captured his lips in a long, slow, kiss. "You're with me all the time, Castle. I don't think there's going to be much time to miss me."

"But sleeping alone can be so…lonely."

"Do you want me to get you a teddy bear?" she teased.

He shook his head, "I was hoping for something better…like you."

"You could always stay with me for a night if it gets to be too bad," she told him.

"With your mother across the hallway?"

"I didn't say we'd be having sex," she replied. "I just said you could stay if you were too lonely."

He laughed, "I guess I'll have to take what I can get."

"I'm sorry, Castle, but there are some things that I just can do with her being across the hallway as you pointed out."

"I understand completely. I feel the same way."

Kate brushed her hand along his jaw. "It's not going to be like this forever. As soon as this is finished, we'll all have the privacy we need and I'll be able to stay with you whenever you want me to."

"Which will be all the time," he answered.

"Sounds good."

"I can't change your mind about this?" her writer asked as he gestured towards her open bag.

Kate shook her head. "No…and I hope you understand that this decision has nothing to do with trying to get away from you or punishing you in some way."

"I understand your reasons, Kate. If you think this is what's best, then I will support you."

"Thank you."

"Why don't you go up and help your mother and I'll get your stuff and take it down to the car," he told her; "Because you know I'm going with you."

Kate smiled; "I didn't doubt it for a minute, Castle."

---

"Bro, this idea was good in theory but I think we're wasting our time," Esposito said as he and Ryan walked through Montgomery's neighborhood.

"We've only canvassed half," Ryan replied. "Have some faith."

"Faith seems to be running low for this case," his partner responded. "You can see it in Beckett's face and Johanna's too."

"I know," Ryan answered. "That's why we're here making sure that nothing was missed...and hopefully finding something that was that we can use."

The detective nodded. "I would love to find something. I want to nail this son of a bitch so bad I can taste it."

"Me too," his friend replied as he paused to study a house. "And with any luck at all, that will help us," he said as he pointed to a security camera that was mounted on the house.

"Montgomery's house is four houses away on the on the opposite side," Esposito stated.

"I know; but I figure they had a car and they wouldn't have parked right in front of Montgomery's."

"That's true," the other detective answered; "But that doesn't mean that they parked here."

"They may not have," Ryan stated; "But they would've most likely had to drive past this house. They wouldn't risk parking too far away and it's a dead end street. We read in the robbery report that a desk clock that had been broken read 3:14 so we have a time frame to check out. It might be a long shot...but it's all we have."

"You're right," Esposito replied. "We need to check it out if only to make sure every angle has been exhausted for Beckett."

Their decision made, the two men pulled their ID's from their pockets and approached the home to ask the occupants for the footage from their security camera.

---

Castle could feel the slight hints of nervousness in both Beckett women as they entered Kate's apartment. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked them. "We can just head back to my place."

"I'm fine with being here," Kate answered; her gaze sliding from the writer to the woman at her side. "But it's your call, Mother. If you're not comfortable or have changed your mind; we'll go back."

Johanna shook her head. "No; I want to be here. It's only natural that we be nervous at first. I'm sure we'll be fine once we settle in."

"I agree," Kate said; and then wanting to change the subject, she turned to Castle and said, "You better teach us how to use that security system you picked out."

He would've rather taken them back to the loft but he knew when he was beat and didn't want to risk starting an argument. He set about explaining the system to them and helping Kate choose the codes. After each woman had taken a turn at working the system and understood it; they picked up their bags and headed for their rooms.

Castle followed behind Kate and when she sat her bags on the bed she realized that there was one that didn't belong to her. "Where did this bag come from?" she asked.

"Oh that's mine," he answered.

"Yours?" she said; her brow raised inquisitively as she looked at him.

He smiled, "You didn't really think I was going to let you stay here by yourself tonight, did you?"

Kate smirked; "I'm not alone."

"When I said 'you', I meant it in the plural sense," Castle amended.

A smile tugged at her lips and she didn't even entertain the notion of arguing against it as she gave in to the urge to kiss him. "Alright, Castle."

He grinned; his eyes dancing with mischief, "That seemed too easy. Is your acceptance some kind of trick?"

She laughed, "It's no trick. You can stay. I did already extend the invitation if you recall."

"Of course I recall it," he said. "That's why I packed."

"You packed quickly," Kate commented as she emptied out her bag.

"I had to, you and a certain brunette seemed to be in a hurry."

"We were not; we just didn't want to take all evening."

"Speaking of the senior partner of the Beckett women's club, is she going to be okay with me staying here tonight?" Castle asked.

"It's my apartment," Kate stated. "I no longer need permission from my mother to have a slumber party."

"I know that," he smirked; "But I don't want to make her uncomfortable...like I did at my own home."

"Castle, if you let it go and just be yourself as usual; she'll relax again, especially now that we're home."

"Humor me and ask her anyway."

Kate rolled her eyes; "You say that like I don't humor you every day."

"You're so cute when you're sarcastic," he replied; a boyish smile on his lips.

She gave a short laugh; "Should I be really cute by being intuitive enough to know that you won't rest until I've gotten her blessing for you to stay?"

Castle nodded; "Yes, you should be cute like that...and then you should be adorable and do this favor for me."

"Fine, Castle. Wait here."

He sat on the foot of her bed and waited patiently as she crossed the hallway and entered the guest room. It wasn't long before he heard laughter...Johanna's if he wasn't mistaken and Kate's soon joined it. He glanced at himself in the mirror and gave his reflection a nod; that was him, Rick Castle; writer, cop helper, and comedic entertainment to the female species. He figured there were worse things he could be. A few minutes later, he heard the guest room door open and two sets of footsteps headed in his direction.

The women entered the room and stood before him; amusement in their eyes and he had a feeling that he wouldn't live this down any time soon.

"Rick," Johanna began; "It has always been my rule that Katie couldn't have boys in her room...but that was at my house. Since this isn't my house and she's over 30, she can have a boy in her room if she wants without seeking my permission first. However, since you're so worried about it, I'll appease you and tell you that I have no problem with you being here."

He smiled at her. "Okay then. I just wanted to be sure."

"I'm glad you feel better now," Johanna replied.

"Don't forget the other thing," Kate said to her mother.

Suddenly, Castle looked worried. "What other thing?" he asked as he looked between them.

Johanna held his gaze, "Apparently I have to set the record straight for you," she told him. "I don't hate you. I'm not mad at you. I'm not holding a grudge. You want to talk about me being stubborn about accepting apologies and you're just as stubborn about accepting the fact that I told you that you had my forgiveness if you felt you needed it. It was a bad night. It's over and done with; now stop this nonsense and behave yourself...at least as much as you're capable of. If you don't let this go, it could make things awkward one day when I have to be your mother in law."

"Mother!" Kate exclaimed; giving her a small shove.

"What?" Johanna said as she and Castle laughed. "I needed a good laugh...and the look on your face was pretty funny, Katie."

Her daughter glared at her; "Oh I get it; that was your revenge for sharing your drunk story the other night, right?"

The older woman shrugged. "It's possible."

"Does that mean there's still the possibility of revenge against me?" Castle asked.

"No," Johanna answered. "I'd rather wait and torture you once you're my son in law. I figure it'll be more fun that way."

"Okay," Kate said to her mother; "You can go now. I think I hear your phone ringing, it's probably Dad."

"No it's not," Johanna said as she pulled the device from her pocket.

"Then you should go make Dad's phone ring," Kate told her.

Her mother shot her an amused smirk and then turned her attention back to Castle. "Did I cover everything for you?" she asked. "Is everything fine now?"

He nodded; "Yes; thank you."

"Good," Johanna said; "Now I'll go make that phone call that my daughter requested."

Once she was gone, Kate's focus settled upon her writer. "Just so you know, you've reached your 'humor me' quota for the day."

"It's been noted," he answered. "I'll toe the line... especially since I feel like I was just given probation."

---

The next morning, hours before they were supposed to be there, Ryan and Esposito entered the precinct to screen the security camera footage before too many people filed in. Their leak had been discovered and dealt with but they still exercised extreme caution on the off chance that someone else might be in the shadows, listening and reporting back to their nameless nemesis.

They started screening the footage at the midnight time stamp of the night of the robbery, wanting to be sure that they missed nothing. The street was quiet until 2:38 when a dark colored car pulled up on the opposite side of the street. The detectives watched as two men in dark clothing exited the vehicle and walked up the street and out of view.

"We can't make out their faces if those are our guys," Esposito remarked.

"Maybe we can catch them coming back," Ryan replied. "They allowed to tape to play through without fast forwarding and at 3:24; the two men appeared once again.

"They're each carrying something this time," Ryan commented as he paused the tape and pointed at their hands.

"It looks like one of them has the files," Esposito responded as he moved closer to the screen. "Can we enhance it to see if the other one has the computer?"

His partner tapped in his commands and the video centered upon the object that on of the suspects was carrying. "It's in a bag," Ryan remarked; "But from the size and shape; I'd say it could be the laptop."

They readjusted the angle of the film and allowed it to run once again, watching as their suspects got into the vehicle. Esposito smiled as the car pulled part way into the driveway of the home that had held the camera.

"Looks like someone fell down on the job and didn't realize they were being recorded," he stated as they caught a glimpse of the driver.

Ryan froze the image and zoomed in on it. "And doesn't he look familiar?" he asked his partner, a touch of sarcasm coloring his tone.

"Sure does," the other detective commented. "That's our run away mad man; and since we found the computer in Jenkins apartment, we can assume that he's the second man. Can we get the license plate of the car?"

Ryan tapped in his commands and adjusted the tape to get a better angle of the license plate. "Got it," he said as the image enhanced and cleared, making the numbers and letters visible.

Esposito jotted down the tag number on a scrap of paper. "Make copies of the shots of the two of them coming and going and of the driver and license plate. I'll run the tag number and see what we can come up with."

They set about their work and when Ryan had the photos, he rejoined his partner. "Anything?" he asked.

"The car belongs to a rental company. I tried calling them to see if they have the guy's license on file but they don't open until seven," Esposito said with a glance at his watch. "I'll call back in a few minutes."

He called back as soon as the clock hit seven and spoke to the manger about the information he needed. Several minutes later an email popped up in his inbox with the photo of the license the car company had on file. They ran the ID and came up with a credit card that placed their suspect at a hotel, where he was registered as a guest.

"Call Beckett," Esposito told Ryan.

---

Kate had just let her father into the apartment and was following him to the kitchen when her phone rang. She glanced at the screen and accepted the call.

"Hey, Ryan," she answered.

"Beckett, we got a lead," he told her; his voice serious but carrying the undertones of hopefulness that this was the big break she needed.

Kate caught Castle's eye. "Castle and I are leaving now," she stated as she ended the call.

"What's going on?" he asked as he rose from his place at the table.

"Ryan has a lead," she answered; and then shifting her gaze towards her parents, she asked, "Are you going to be alright here?"

"We'll be fine, Katie," Jim assured as he followed her back to the door so that he could lock it behind them.

She nodded; anxiousness to get going visible in her face as she said goodbye. "I'll call later."

…to be continued