(38)

Staring over the rim of the tea cup, Casey watched Alex from her vantage in the oversized bath tub. And, when Alex had said it was a large tub, she had not been kidding. If Casey leaned back to cover her shoulders with water, her toes were still miles from the end of the tub. Even sitting up, the water came to her mid arm. She set the tea cup back down on the generous rim of the tub near where Alex was still sitting in her bra and jeans.

After Casey's melt down in the kitchen which had landed both her and Alex on the floor in a little huddle while Alex just held Casey, the blonde had drawn Casey her promised bath, Alex's mother, Charlotte, and Rosa caring for Casey. Alex's father, James, was reportedly out back, but Alex had been sure her mother had kicked him out. Charlotte always seemed to know which parent was the better suited one to deal with the problems. And, in this case, Alex whole heartedly agreed with her mother's assessment. It was not that she did not trust her father to be sensitive to the matter, but she knew Casey would prefer a woman over a man, particularly with her latest experience.

Casey was grateful for everything, especially since when she had left the church, she had expected to have nothing by the end of the day outside of Alex. Of course, every time she had seen them, Alex's parents had been just as good to her as they had their own daughter. They had never asked if she wanted to go to dinner with them. They had just assumed that she would be there if Alex was. They had never asked if they could get her Christmas gifts. They had just sent them to her Cambridge address, and she had two little parcels waiting for her after the New Year when she and Charlie had returned from the city.

"Get in?" Casey asked, the question lilted in the sound of her voice. She tipped her head to the side and watched Alex's eyes dart over the bubbles covering her body. "Please, Alex."

Maybe it was the please. Maybe it was the sad look in Casey's eyes that made Alex think that she was only getting part of the story. Maybe it was the need in the way that Casey said her name. Whatever it was, Alex stood, pushing her pants down and sliding her bra off, and climbed into the bathtub so that she was opposite Casey, her legs tucked up under herself. "You okay, honey?" she asked, her fingers playing with the bones of Casey's ankles.

Running her wet fingers through her dry and still crispy with hairspray hair, Casey nodded. "I'm alright. I just – for a moment." She shrugged. "Never mind, Al. I'm just being irrational."

"No, you weren't," Alex argued, leaning forward, her hand sliding up Casey's calf in a supportive manner. "What were you worried about?"

Casey shrugged as she drew her knees up and rolled back so that she was under the water. For a few long seconds, she closed her eyes, face scrunched up so that water wouldn't get up her nose, and she ran her fingers through her hair until it loosened enough that when she surfaced, it fell around her shoulders.

"Your parents have a massive bathtub," she said upon surfacing as she pushed the water from her eyes.

"Yep," Alex said. "Now, my question is still without an answer." Normally, Alex would not have pushed Casey on something. She understood when the red head needed space. In that instance, though, she would have argued that Casey did not need space. She needed someone to force her to admit to her fears and then comfort her and tell her that the boogey man was not real. Except, in Casey's case, the boogey man was real, and he went by the name Charlie.

Falling still and silent, Casey stared at the water for several long moments. "I just thought that maybe you wouldn't want to," she murmured, looking away. "I can't explain it, Alex. I'm sorry. I just feel disgusting, and I thought that if you didn't want to be in here with me, then it must mean that I really am dirty."

Alex took Casey's hands and pulled the red head toward her. Complying, Casey shrank and twisted until she was sitting between Alexandra's legs, the blonde's arms wrapped around her. Pushing Casey's wet curtain of hair aside, Alex pressed a light kiss into the woman's ear. "You are not dirty, sweetheart. The only one who's tainted is Charlie because he chose to do these things to you. You're an angel for trying so long to help him, Casey. Nothing less."

Taking Casey's hands in her own, Alex began to rub at her palms and fingers in tiny circles, working out the little knots that had formed in her hands. Slowly, she worked her way up the forearm of first one arm, then the other until Casey was laying against Alex's chest, relaxing, inch by inch against the woman behind her.

"Sit forward," Alex murmured in Casey's ear after a few minutes. Casey did as she was told, sitting on her knees as Alex ran her hands through Casey's rouge hair, fingers massaging out the knots as water from a cup cascaded down Casey's back. Starting at the tips of Casey's hair, Alex gently worked shampoo into the strands, finding the places where the product had clumped tightly to her hair and working to break it up.

Casey sat in silence as Alex worked through the knots and the spray, only gasping when Alex covered her eyes with one hand and poured water over her head and back with the other. "Alex, you don't have to wash my hair," Casey murmured.

"I want to. If that's okay with you."

Casey nodded.

Alex worked conditioner into the woman's hair, the final knots falling away under the smooth cream. Sitting a little higher, Alex reached for the soap and the pouf, lathering the pouf before gently washing Casey's neck and back. Using her hand as a cup, Alex rinsed the part of Casey's back between her shoulder blades, the water dripping through the suds of soap, and carefully leaned forward, kissing the same area with a touch almost like a breath as opposed to an actual touch.

Whining, Casey stiffened, gooseflesh rising along her arms and down her neck. "Alex," she mewled, though her tone was entirely different than it had been. Casey, Alex knew, was a sucker for being taken care of, for a gentle touch as opposed to a rough one. Granted, Alex did not know from experience. She had never particularly been rough with Casey. It had always been gentle, always been on Casey's terms. And, Casey had made it clear to Alex, through her bodily reactions, that anything but was not on her safe list. If it was not, it was not then, and Alex knew it might never be. She did not mind either way, though part of her wondered if the abuse would change her need for violence – Alex knew, more personally than she cared to admit, that after a violent episode in her own life, her sex life had turned more violent as she strove to control that kind of environment despite the violence in her life not being of a sexual nature. She could not help but wonder if it would hit Casey in the same way.

"It's okay, Casey. I'm not going to do anything. I just want you to know that I do not, cannot, possibly see you in any other light other than your beauty both external and internal. You're one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I have the fortune of knowing you in ways no one else does."

Nodding, Casey pulled her hair to the side of her neck, and Alex pressed a second kiss into her skin. "Is it any wonder that I've fallen for you," Casey mused as she felt Alex's body press up against hers, the space between them amounting to the thin line where their skin touched, Alex's arms around her waist, head resting on her shoulder.

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"You make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world just by a look in your eyes, like a princess with your voice, and a goddess with your hands," Casey murmured. "I can't believe you were single at any time in your life, let alone when you met me."

Alex smiled. "You know what they say, that when the time is right, you'll be ready." Alex breathed softly on Casey's neck for a few moments before adding, "I guess the time was right for me."

Closing her hands over Alex's, Casey squeezed gently, her brow furrowing. "Do you think it's possible to fight the right time?"

"As much as I believe it's possible to fight the wrong time and demand that it is right," Alex murmured into the top of Casey's shoulder, nibbling carefully. She was not trying to start anything. She had merely learned that for Casey, being there was a physical thing. It was not the same for the blonde, but the point was that the red head knew she had support. And if telling her that meant a hug and a warm nibble, then so be it.

There were several times where Alex woke up to Casey cuddled up to her, and she had eventually found herself wrapping herself around the woman even in her sleep, a habit she had never taken to with other boy or girlfriends. Normally, she preferred one hand touching or feet touching, something small to know her partner was there, but nothing cuddly. Casey, it turned out, was an absolute cuddler. She sought haven in Alex as they slept, and even unconscious, Alex was happy to provide that to her.

Casey caressed Alex's cheek. "So, which is this?" she asked.

"I don't know," Alex mused. "Why don't we take this rollercoaster wherever it goes and find out? If it's right for us, we'll find out. If it's wrong, we'll find that out, too. But, Casey, don't push yourself in either direction." Alex slid her hands down Casey's arms to her finger tips, holding them out over the sides of the tub. "Just go with it. I'm not promising to be the perfect girlfriend, but I am promising to be yours, and I am promising to try my best to give you what you need from me."

"I just want you to be yourself," Casey said with a soft sigh. "I've had too much of pretending to be someone, something, I am not. I could never ask anyone else to do the same."

As Casey turned to look at Alex, the blonde caught her lips in a slow kiss. "You're a very wise woman, Casey," she whispered as they separated.

"I don't feel it," Casey responded, hugging herself.

"That's okay. You don't have to. I think it's apparent to everyone else, and your humility will get you far."

Casey laughed. "Me? Humble? Alex."

"You're more so than I," Alex purred. "For instance, I know I'm a damn good prosecutor and can only get better. You think you do okay and you try your hardest."

"That's not humility. That's truth."

It was Alex's turn to laugh. "No, honey. You're a damn good prosecutor, and you will go a long way in your career. You just don't think that. But, that's okay. It's part of your Casey charm."

"I have my own charm?"

Alex buried her face against Casey's neck as she nodded. "Yes. Your very own delightful charm."

For several minutes, they just sat in silence, pressed against each other, Alex's arms still around Casey. The two women shifted so that Casey was resting against Alex, the blonde leaning against the side of the tub. "Hey, Casey, can I ask a favor?" Alex eventually purred.

"If you can ask it after we get out, I will probably grant it," Casey quipped. The water was getting cold, and she felt cleaner than she had in a long time. It was probably safe to get out, get dried, and get dressed.

"If we can get out, I won't have a favor to ask," Alex mused as Casey sat up and the two climbed out of the bath tub, wrapping up in fluffy yellow towels.

Casey wrung her hair back out in the tub as Alex lifted the plug. "There goes my would have been married life," Casey commented.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that that life went down the drain. I can't get it back, and, quite frankly, I don't want it back. It's going to take a while for me to get over what I did to my family, Alex, and I know that. But, I can't help but think that it's better now than later. At least now, I know it's safe to mourn."

Alex rested a hand on Casey's shoulder. "Of course it is, sweetheart," she murmured, tucking Casey's wet hair behind her ear. "You do whatever you need to do to heal. And, let me know if and how I can help."

"You've helped so much already," Casey murmured. "Thank you. You said you'd support me no matter what my choices were, and you've never strayed from your word. That means more to me, Alex, than I think I could express."

"You're welcome," Alex whispered, kissing Casey's nose and smiling.

They dressed, mostly in silence. Alex had seen the bruises before, at the church. And, she had seen them again in the bath tub, but it was difficult for Alex to keep her anger in check as she saw Casey wincing as she pulled her pants on over the bruise on her stomach. There was another on the inside of her right thigh that looked painful, and a third rested on her right upper arm that Alex would have sworn had been caused by more force than a punch. The blonde speculated that it was from a kick.

Of all people, Alex had compassion to disease, particularly schizophrenia. Her own brother, Adam, was plagued by the disease. He had attacked Alexandra because of the drugs and alcohol he had turned to to cope with the disease. Charlie had turned to alcohol. Maybe the disease had not made him violent. Most schizophrenics were not. But, Alex was sure the alcohol had. She understood disease. Until that moment, she had thought she could forgive acts committed by defendants with diseases so long as the disease were the culprit. In that moment, though, she realized that that was simply not the case. She could not forgive someone with an illness just because they had an unmanaged illness. She had even less forgiveness when they intentionally did not manage or mismanaged their illness.

At that moment in time, Alexandra Cabot did not have it within her to ever forgive Charlie for what he had done to Casey. Maybe there would come a day, but while the bruises were still fresh, Alex just did not see it happening.

"Please don't be angry," Casey finally said as she pulled her wet hair back into a bun, twisting it in her fingers.

"I'm not angry at you," Alex answered, focusing on keeping her tone in check.

"I know," Casey said with a nod. "I know that. But, you're angry. Anger gives other people control over you, not the other way around. Please don't be angry. I don't want him to have control over me or anyone in my life anymore." She sounded small, almost childlike.

Alex could not help but nod. "I'll do my best, Casey."

Both women returned to the living room to find both the Cabots and Rosa sitting between the sofa and the arm chair.

"We thought you two had disappeared down the drain," James joked, smiling as Alex leaned in to hug her father. "Almost sent divers down to get you."

"Do you feel better?" Charlotte asked, addressing both women with her hands, but Casey with her eyes.

"Yes, Ma'am, thank you," Casey said, folding her hands in front of her and flushing slightly.

"I'm sure I've told you before, Casey, that my name is Charlotte, not Ma'am."

"Yes, Ma'am," Casey murmured. "Charlotte. " She flushed as she corrected herself, clearly unsure of herself.

"Why don't both of you sit down," James said, his tone more of a command than a request or suggestion.

Alex nodded, taking Casey by the waist and sitting them both down on the smaller sofa. Casey automatically cuddled into Alex. It baffled her how Alex's parents had known the two women were dating and had known that Casey was also seeing Charlie and they had never said anything negative to her or Alex. Casey was almost jealous that Alex's parents were so accepting.

"Casey, I take it that you'll be staying with Alex for a while?" The man of the Cabot house was not nearly as stern as Casey had imagined him being. And, yet, for all of that, she still felt compelled to do as he said. It was strange, but she figured that he had the same kind of effect on everyone he met. He had to in order to run the business empire he ran. Though, according to Alex, it was not that large of a business.

"Yes," Casey answered James' question, nodding, her cheeks tinted pink with embarrassment. "At least until I can find my own place. I've never been on my own, so it's going to be interesting."

Alex pulled Casey closer to her, kissing her temple. The one touch made Casey forget some of the heat of shame. She had long since become accustomed to small displays of appropriate affection in front of Alexandra's family. They seemed more welcoming of it. Actually, they ignored it, Charlotte saying that those little acts of affection were meant for Casey and Alex and no one else, so it was not any of her business. Casey liked Charlotte. She felt safe with her. Not necessarily physically safe for Charlotte was not a physically intrusive woman. But, her soul felt safe, and that was something she had now known since she was a small child. "We can start looking as soon as you want," Alex murmured, drawing Casey's attention back to the living room.

"Regardless," James interjected, "my real point in asking is because we're worried about both of you. Casey, this is a lot of stress on you, I'm sure. Why don't you two stay here tonight and get some real rest? It's so rare anymore that you let your mom and me spoil you, Alex. And, Danae is going to be home soon from her friend's house. She'll want to spend some time with both of you. Maybe it'll distract Casey."

Casey smiled, glancing at Alex. "I would like that. If that's okay, Ali?"

"Of course," Alex said with a laugh, hugging Casey lightly. "Thanks, Dad, Mom. We really do appreciate it."

"Yes," Casey said, nodding. "Thanks, a bunch."

"Of course, Casey. Let us know if you need anything."

Alex smiled. "I haven't been gone from this house so long that I don't remember how to raid this place," she joked.

Charlotte gave her a brief, sharp look. Alex blushed slightly and curled Casey instinctively closer to her. "Don't get smart with me, Alexandra," she scolded, a light twinkle to her eyes.

"Yes, Ma'am," Alex said. "Come on, Casey. Let's head to bed."

Casey nodded, following Alex up the stairs to the guest bedroom.

On the bed in the guest room were two piles of clothes consisting of a tank top and gym shorts. "Holy shit," Alex mused. "Mom said she donated all my old stuff after I got back from Harvard."

"I think the idea of her baby girl growing up is a bit much for her sometimes. I imagine it would be for me, too, if I had such an amazing daughter."

"Flattery, Novak. It'll get you nowhere."

"And everywhere." Casey leaned in and kissed Alex's cheek before changing into more comfortable clothing. She lay out on the king size bed, sprawled. "Your bed, Al, is massive."

"Guest bed. You've slept in mine. My parents let me keep my furniture."

"Well, fine. Your parents' guest bed is huge. So is the guest room. You could have a party in here." Casey stared around her in awe. The room itself was very large with more than four walls, all painted a soft egg white. Fabric hung from the ceiling to the walls, a mild, sheer, dark green. A small crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling in the center of the room, and there was oak furniture including the four poster bed, dresser, entertainment case, and rocking chair pushed into the corner. "I'm pretty sure you could live in here."

Alex snickered as she lay down beside Casey, pulling the covers over them only as far as their hips, otherwise, it would be too hot. Casey curled against Alex's chest, wiggling into a comfortable, familiar position for them both. "I used to. Before it was a guest room, it was mine. There are other bedrooms, but this one stayed coolest in the summer and warmest in the winter except for the master bedroom which is gorgeous. You'll have to ask my mom to see it in the morning. She'd be happy to show you."

"Okay. Hey, um, Ali, can I ask a strange question?" Casey asked. "How did you wind up so conservative with two very liberal parents?"

Alex smiled, pulling Casey closer to her. "How did you wind up so liberal with two very conservative parents?"

"Touché."

They both giggled, and it did not take long for them to settle down. Casey's sleep was far more fitful than Alex's, and she tossed in her sleep, kicking the covers from them both. At one point, she woke Alex up with her whimpering, and the blonde reached over and did the only thing she could think of as Casey clawed at the air in her sleep. She yanked Casey hard against her body, holding her there, Casey's hands caught between their chests. Casey flexed her fingers but could not move them far, and certainly not far enough to scratch herself or Alex.

"It's okay, Casey," Alex mumbled into Casey's ear as she whined and trembled in her sleep. "I've got ya. The nightmares can't hurt you."

It took a few minutes, but Casey settled back down with a sigh. "Alex," she whispered.

"Yea, honey?" Alex asked, but Casey's breathing was too even for her to be awake. Alex smiled, kissed Casey's forehead, then settled herself back in to get much needed sleep. "Never mind, then. Sleep well, hot shot."

Casey mumbled something in her sleep, but Alex could not understand it. "I love you," Alex whispered.

"I love you, too," Casey whispered back.