AN: It's been brought to my attention that, over the time I've been writing this story, how long Kurt and Blaine have known each other might have been confused. I'm sorry for that. As of this point, the boys met on Wednesday July 3, 2019 and this chapter is dated Tuesday August 20, 2019. I hope that clears up any confusion. :D
Kurt sighed and pouted a little at his work. He really didn't feel like doing work. He shifted in his chair, resisting the urge to pick at his outfit.
"Why are you so fidgety?" Mercedes asked, showing up beside him with a paper cup filled with water from the water cooler. She put it on his desk and shifted her weight to one foot for comfort. "And what's with the outfit? It's could almost double as club clothes."
"Only almost? Damn, I thought this would be okay." Kurt looked down at his silvery button up, plucking at a black button. He'd been trying out the shirt. It was much thinner than he normal wore, and he figured going to work in it might help him be more comfortable. Seemed like it had been for naught.
"Okay, really, now tell me what's up." Mercedes demanded, eyebrows raised.
Kurt blushed. "Um… I'm going out with Blaine and his friends tonight… to the bar he plays at and then to a club maybe…"
Mercedes eyes widened and she gasped. "Really?" Kurt nodded and she squealed quietly. "Oh, Kurt! This is great. You've been pining after him for so long and now you're getting an in with the friends. I'm so happy for you."
"Mercedes it's not like that." Kurt shook his head. As much as David and Wes seemed to liked him, he didn't think he had an 'in' with them. Besides, if it was going to be a night like last Friday night, he wasn't any closer to being with Blaine, just closer to dancing with him. "It's really not." He asserted, she was giving him a disbelieving look.
"Then why are you jumping like a Mexican jumping bean?" She gave him a nice 'bitch please' face that she'd most likely picked up from Kurt himself.
"I am nervous." Kurt admitted. "But not about going out with Blaine and his friends. No, it's because Blaine asked me to sing a song. He liked what I did for our duet and he saw how much I liked it so… well, he offered and I didn't want to say no. I liked performing and I really want to do it again."
Mercedes' eyes got even bigger. "Oh." Then her face calmed into a pleasant smile. "That's great too, Kurt. I know how much you wish you had been able to go to Broadway."
Kurt shrugged. "I probably wouldn't have made it anyway. I'm happy as I am now. I wouldn't give my life up for anything." He smiled at her. "I just like that performing is now an option for me sometimes. It feels… good."
Mercedes seemed to accept that, she gave his shoulder a squeeze and then went to her desk, leaving the water on his. He looked after her for a minute and then at the water cup. He hadn't gotten up for a while, and she'd probably noticed that. She was always trying to take care of him.
And she was right of course. While the idea of his performance did fill him with nerves, they were a quiet kind that he enjoyed very much. They didn't leave him feeling as jumpy and pre-occupied as his real worry did.
No, Blaine was what was really making him nervous. He'd been… off since they talked to his sister. Something Mel had said had set Blaine off and made him act… different. It was really annoying. He'd still come over for dinner every day, let Kurt feed him and stayed after for a while each night, but it had been different than usual. He didn't touch him as much; didn't smile at him as much.
It was kind of like when they first met and were still getting to know each other.
Kurt sighed and took the water cup. 'For good luck' he thought, bringing the cup up in a mock toast and then drinking. He was going to need it to quell his nerves tonight.
Kurt took a deep breath and pressed the send button on his phone. Mary had gone to sleep an hour ago and Brittany sat beside him at the kitchen island. He was calling Santana.
One ring.
He was nervous. He'd never had to do something like this before; he wasn't sure how to start. But he'd do anything for Brittany.
Two rings.
He'd written out his main points and asked Brittany to go over them so he had it right. She'd agreed to it. He knew his talking points, just not how to say them.
Three ri… "Hello." Santana said. "Who's this?"
"It's Kurt." He answered, refusing to let his nerves show through his voice.
"What do you want, Lady?" She asked, her usual brashness showing through. "This better be good because I had to get up for this shit, my phone was on the other side of the apartment."
Kurt took a deep breath. "It's about Brittany."
Santana gasped. "Is she with you? I haven't been able to find her for the past week. I went to her work but they wouldn't tell and then Puck said he'd rather suck a baby's head off then tell and you know how freakishly attached he is to babies. It totally defeats his Mohawk but whatever, is she with you?"
"Yes." Kurt affirmed. "And she wanted me to make this phone call for her. You know how she can be with words sometimes; you need to dive around them to figure out what she means. She wanted this to come out straightforward."
"Kurt, you've never been able to do anything straight, Mary notwithstanding. I'm convinced she's the result of Mother Nature having a heart attack and the world going insane for a second. There's no other way you could actually go through with seeing all Brit's lovely lady bits."
"Santana, shut up." Kurt rolled his eyes. "This isn't what we're here to talk about."
"Then what is it?" She demanded.
Kurt looked down to his notes, his talking points. How was he supposed to just say them? He shook his head once. He was just going to have to dive in. "I have a list," He started. "Of everything Brittany wants you to know, and I need you to shut up and listen to it without interruption okay? If you don't you literally have zero chance of being with her again. She's sitting right across from me and nodding so you can rest assured I'm not just saying that."
Santana didn't say anything for a full thirty seconds. "Okay." She said and her voice was shaking.
Kurt took a deep breath. "She wanted me to tell you first that she'll always love you. She's loved you since you two were in fifth grade and you knocked that boy out for pulling on her hair and told her she was too pretty to be crying. She said it's not something she can ever change, it'll always be there.
"However, she also said that she's not in love with you anymore. She moved on from that. You hurt her Santana, you hurt her a lot. She can forgive you for it, but she can't forget it. She doesn't trust you with her heart anymore, so she's not going to just give it to you because you ask.
"Which brings me to the last point." Kurt paused for a second to let Santana take that all in, to give her a chance to protest anything. The only thing he heard was her breathing on the other end. "My last point," Kurt continued. "Is that if you want her back, if you really want to be with her again, you're going to have to make her believe it. I don't know how you're supposed to do that, and neither does she. But she'll know. If you can make her believe you, you can be with her again. Understood?"
Santana didn't speak. Kurt heard nothing but her breath. "Santana?" He asked.
Brittany looked up at Kurt, finally making eye contact. Her eyes were wet. She'd been staring at her fingers the entire time he was on the phone, biting her lip. Through the line Kurt heard something fall to the floor and shatter.
Santana sobbed once and then there was the dial tone. She'd hung up.
When Kurt got home he practically ripped his stupid silver shirt off and then stood in front of his closet bare-chested and frowned at all his clothes. He hadn't worried overmuch about his clothes on Friday. Yes, he was meeting Blaine's friends, but he was also still really distracted by the lack of Mary at home and he hadn't known there would be clubbing.
Now he was slightly more used to the empty house (it helped that she would be home in nine days) and he knew there was a very good possibility that there would be clubbing (he kind of wanted to go too, if that meant dancing with Blaine again).
All that added up to his wardrobe being a disappointment. He had work clothes, casual clothes, a few fancy outfits that he occasionally had to wear when he actually needed to go somewhere for work, but no club clothes. It was frustrating!
He went through his work shirts. All of them were nice(ish) and of, if not the latest style, not so long ago as to be disrespectable. But none of them were club clothes. They were all work appropriate. Not something he would allow himself to get sweaty in.
He turned to glare at the silver shirt that had landed half off his bed. How did Blaine make this seem so easy? Kurt huffed, stared once more at his stupid useless closet. Maybe he should just ask Blaine when he got home.
That felt like a good idea. So he pulled on a random short sleeve shirt that didn't clash terribly with his pants and left his room, irritated at his closet. He went into the kitchen and stared at the fridge. Cooking something intricate never failed to distract him from his feelings.
Kurt opened the fridge and spotted the dark purple eggplant. Eggplant rolitini then. With a salad with a lemon vingrette. Not over the top, but complicated enough to keep him busy until Blaine got home. He grabbed the eggplant and went for it.
Blaine walked in just as Kurt was finished setting the table. "Oh, smells good." He'd said.
"It is." Kurt had agreed. "It's ready now. I took it out about ten minutes ago, so it should be cool about now."
"Awesome." Blaine had smiled and Kurt had wanted to kiss him. They ate in almost silence. Blaine only spoke to compliment the food.
And now they were in Kurt's room. While they were cleaning Kurt had brought up his wardrobe dilemma and they had gone upstairs. "Help." Kurt whined and pointed at his closet. "It all sucks in there."
"I don't know what you're worried about Kurt. Why do you think you need to be dressed up?" Blaine asked.
"I just want to look nice in case we go to a club." Kurt said. It wasn't a FULL lie, just a misdirection. He wanted to look nice for BLAINE in a club.
"Oh… well, its David's night to pick, so it'll probably be a straight club." Blaine shrugged. "What about this one?" He held out a red shirt that had buttons running diagonally down the chest and an artful slash in the middle and on the sleeves.
"It's really hard to put that on right." Kurt shook his head. "I bought it without trying it on, it was only three dollars. I know why now."
"Really?" Blaine looked at the shirt again, probably looking for the difficulties with in it. "Okay." He dove back into Kurt's closet. "Do you have anything in mind?"
"It has to match black pants, I'll accessorize around the shirt you pick." Kurt said and shuffled further back on his bed. He kind of liked watching Blaine go through his clothes. It felt intimate in a way he'd never had before. He'd never let Brittany pick out an outfit for him. She and Mary both were easily swayed towards the dark-side of fashion.
"Can do." Blaine called and then pulled out of the closet. "What about this one? Or this?" He held up a light blue shirt with buckles on the pockets and faint embroidery around the cuffs and a yellow shirt Kurt had forgotten he owned.
"The blue's nice, but I try to avoid blue with black most of the time. As for the yellow… well… I don't know." Kurt pouted. "OH!" He gasped. "That shirt has a stain on the back. Look. Mary and I were in the park and she accidently tripped me."
"In a mud puddle?" Blaine asked. "This is a dark stain. Not that big though, why'd you never try to get it out?"
"It's dry clean only and I didn't have the money at that point. I just put in the back of the closet and forgot about it." Kurt shrugged.
"So the blue then?" Blaine held out the blue shirt.
"Grape juice." Kurt glared. On the inside of the right sleeve was a grape stain the size of a dime. "Mary again, on the way to school this time."
"She gets a lot of your clothes doesn't she?" Blaine asked and came to sit on the bed with Kurt. "Everything else in there doesn't fit what I think you're going for."
Kurt flopped onto his back and sighed. "That sucks. Do you have anything in my size?"
"My necks bigger than yours I think." Blaine said and flopped back as well. He landed close enough to Kurt that they almost touched; he could feel his body heat. "We could try, but it might look funny. I tend to need things that run a little wider than I think you'd use."
"You are stockier than I am." Kurt agreed.
Blaine rolled onto his side to look at Kurt. His eyes traced down Kurt's chest and Kurt's heart fluttered. They were lying on his bed and Blaine was looking at him intently. He held in a shiver. "Maybe my orange shirt…"
"Orange is tricky; it clashes with my skin tone easily. And I'd have to change my pants so I don't look like Halloween." Kurt said, trying to ignore the way he wanted to just reach out and pull Blaine in for a kiss. He'd been acting more distant lately, but it had only made Kurt want him more. And realize that Blaine didn't want him.
Blaine sighed and looked away. He had such beautiful eyes, warm honey hazel. Kurt loved the way his dark eyelashes framed them so neatly, and how well they fit into his tanned face. A stray curl crawled down Blaine's forehead and Kurt noticed how long Blaine's hair was getting.
Blaine's eyes widened. "Oh, how about that shirt." He pointed across Kurt's chest, arm just barely grazing. Kurt turned his head to look, eyes alighting upon the stupid silver shirt. "That'd be perfect." Blaine hopped up and got it. Kurt sat upright and watched Blaine jump excitedly. "Put this on, unless there's a stain on this one too?"
"No stains." Kurt shook his head. It hadn't been anywhere near Mary yet, it was still safe.
"Well then put it on." Blaine held the shirt out to him and shook it until Kurt took it. "There we go." Blaine smiled and then stared.
Oh fuck, he was going to just watch.
While a part of Kurt didn't care how prudish it would make him seem to make Blaine turn around, a bigger part was dying to see Blaine's reaction to him shirtless. He'd never truly been shirtless with a guy before, not that he could remember. Pantless that first time he got drunk, but never shirtless.
Kurt took in a small, steadying breath, stood and pulled his simple shirt off.
Blaine didn't gasp or anything, but Kurt definitely felt his eyes on him. Slowly Kurt put the silver shirt on. His stomach fluttered and he shook just enough to miss an armhole on his first shot. Blaine's hands shot out to hold it for him.
"Thank you." Kurt said as his hands poked through the ends. Blaine's hands slid around to the front to begin buttoning and Kurt swallowed discreetly. His hands flutter uselessly at his sides as he let Blaine button his shirt.
Blaine's fingers were so warm as they slowly trailed down Kurt's chest. His hands got lower and lower, until Blaine was pulling the shirt away from Kurt's body to button it and his hands were no longer touching Kurt. "There you go." Blaine said with a smile and smoothed his hand down the line of buttons.
"Thanks." Kurt said and his voice came out more breathless than he meant it.
Blaine smoothed down the fabric over Kurt's shoulders and then clapped them. "Alright, I have to go get my keyboard."
"Okay." Kurt said. Blaine left then, completely unaware of how hot he'd left his neighbor.
"Hello, my name is Kurt Hummel. I'm calling to see if you have any spots open at your daycare?" He had this speech memorized and perfected by now. He'd said it so much the words had pretty much lost meaning. "My daughter is nearly eight years old."
This was his eighth call that day, and he'd lost count of how many daycares he'd called in the last week. He'd already been through the phone book twice and visited a few places. Everywhere was full or crappy or expensive.
"Mr. Hummel, we might have a few spots open. You understand of course that we'll need to meet both of you and see if we're a good fit for each other." The receptionist said and Kurt perked up.
"Really? When can I come down? I have Wednesday and Saturdays free. I'm also off at four and would be available around four thirty."
"You can come on Wednesday then, Mr. Hummel."
"Hi, Kurt." David smiled when Kurt and Blaine stopped at the table he shared with Wes. "Blaine."
"Thanks for the second billing." Blaine winked. "I'm gonna set up. Have fun guys, and don't scare him."
"If he voluntarily came back, we can't scare him easily. He can take it." Wes smirked. "Have fun honey." Blaine shook his head and left.
"So, I hear from Blaine that you're singing tonight." David said. "We got you a drink." He pushed a glass full of dark bubbly liquid over. "It's just a coke, you didn't seem to want your drink last time."
"Thank you." Kurt said and pulled it to him. "I appreciate that." He took a slip. "And yes, Blaine did ask me to sing."
"Lucky." Wes frowned and took a swig of his drink.
"He's just jealous 'cause Blaine banned him from singing." David explained. "Wes kept singing really inappropriate songs. Speaking of which, what song did you pick?"
"Oh, um… well I practiced a few options, but I settled on one I did for Blaine before. 'Born This Way' by Gaga."
Wes made a face. "You're not really going to sing that are you? That's such a throw away song."
"It's not a throw away song!" Kurt protested.
"It kind of is." David shrugged. "Does it really mean anything to you? I mean, you don't necessarily have to sing something relevant, but it always makes the performance better. You probably won't be getting to many more chances to do this, so…" David trailed off.
Kurt just stared at him, his lips twisting into a frown.
"I'm sorry. It's just… well…" David shook his head. "I'm in music." He started again. "Not too high up yet but enough to know some things. Most people do better if they have some emotional attachment to the song."
Oh… well, he hadn't really thought of that. He'd just been thinking about what he knew he could do, not if he had any emotion to put behind it.
Did he have any emotion for 'Born This Way'?
It was certainly a good song, and he knew he could sing it well, but… but did it really mean much to him? He'd accepted himself a long time ago. He wouldn't change his life for anything. And at this point, with all the rumors and looks he'd gotten for being a teenage gay dad well… he didn't fucking care enough about what other people thought of him for it to be an issue.
So…
Maybe 'Born This Way' wasn't the best thing for him to perform if he was going to make it mean something.
Well then… what? What songs meant things to him?
Actually, more importantly, what was he feeling right now?
"Hey guys, Blaine here. Hope your having a good night. I'll be your entertainment this fine evening. I think I'll start you off with something upbeat. How about a little Gaga? I think we'll be sticking with some oldies but goodies tonight."
Kurt looked up onstage where Blaine sat with his keyboard stood in front of him. He pressed the keys a little, striking a few chords as he continued to introduce his song. When that was done he began playing in earnest.
"Blaine's playing old pop hits." Kurt noted.
"He's done enough meaningful stuff that he can slip into throwaway pop now and again. He's proved that he can do it." Wes shrugged. "I know what you mean though, it's just not fair."
"Oh." Kurt frowned at his drink and fiddled with his straw. What song meant something to him?
"I'll hold my whisky up high, kiss the bartender twice. I'm a loser." Blaine crooned. "I'm gonna marry the night."
Kurt sighed. Blaine's voice was amazing. It went right through Kurt and just made him happy. Blaine was smiling into the microphone, fingers caressing the keys. Kurt thought of the way Blaine had been buttoning his shirt and a shiver went through him. Why was Blaine so confusing? He'd been acting distant all week and then he'd been way too close.
The things David had said, they'd been… more annoying than helpful. He'd been trying to see if Blaine was into him, but Blaine became distant so he couldn't tell. It probably meant no. But then today with the shirt…
Kurt sighed and looked around the bar. A waitress walked by with a tray full of food. Nothing interesting. He looked past her to the bar. The bartender spun a bottle full of red liquid. Probably grenadine… Kurt frowned. Red things hurt Mary, except, apparently, strawberry ice cream. Kurt sighed; he should probably back off a little and let her try a few more red things. It probably wouldn't hurt her to eat an actual strawberry.
Strawberry.
"I have it." Kurt said suddenly, the idea hitting him. The song. He'd always loved it, and the mental image he got whenever he thought of it made sense suddenly like it never had before.
"Really?" David asked.
"Yeah." Kurt smiled. He even knew how to play this one on the piano. He'd gone through a mini obsession with it once and he'd memorized the chord progressions. He went through it quickly in his head to re-familiarize himself with it.
"What song?" Wes asked. Kurt told them. "Um… I don't know that one. David?"
"I guess. I can't really remember what it's about." David shrugged.
"It works." Kurt assured them.
Blaine finished his Gaga and moved onto something else. Kurt watched him. When the time came he'd be called up to sing.
It happened after Blaine's mid-gig break. "I'd like to welcome a good friend to sing. He sang with me on Friday and he's really good. I hope you enjoy him. Everyone, here's Kurt Hummel. Come on up Kurt."
Kurt took a deep breath and stood. He walked up behind Blaine's keyboard and shooed the man gently. "Hi everyone." Kurt said into the microphone. "I picked this song because it means something to me. I hope I you like it."
He struck the first few chords. "Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields." When 'Across the Universe' had come out he'd developed giant crushes on Jude and Max. This was his favorite song by them. He'd connected so strongly with the off-kilter feel of it. "Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see."
The image of Jude tacking bleeding strawberries to a canvas had always struck Kurt as poetic and strong. He loved how confused a moment it had been, but still so much art and enlightenment. It was kind of perfect. "No one, I think, is in my tree. I mean it must be high or low." And then he'd remembered how much he'd loved it when he was little and listening to all his mother's old albums.
The Beatles were strong for him. Even if they weren't the most musically complicated all the time, and sometimes he couldn't bear them, they had pulled him through a lot. Singing them now, in front of people, and letting his heart bleed into it? It felt good. "I think I know, I mean a yes, but it's all wrong. That is I think I disagree."
Kurt didn't let his eyes close, that wasn't what he was supposed to do, but he did let them get unfocused. This was for him, nobody else. "Strawberry Fields Forever."
Kurt finally let his eyes close as the last notes played. This, performing, this was catharsis. His worries were still there, but now he could breath. He hadn't even known he was having trouble doing that before. He opened his eyes.
AN: I'm sorry this took so long to get to you. My internet was broken, which royally sucks! Anyway, I managed to do a lot of work on this story while I waited for my internet to come back. :D
Read and Review please. Thank you.