Episode 37: AtarKI
KI: Welcome to MegaMan Jr. High. Today, we are going to look at a chilling vision of what could have been. This episode takes place in an alternate reality where KI/
Zero: You mean you?
KI: I don't know, the real/false KI stuff is too confusing for me to follow. Anyway, this will show what would happen if KI grew up with and became loyal to Atari. Due to the butterfly effect, this causes the MegaMan series to start on Atari and much earlier then in normal reality, because of Keiji Inafune having a fateful run in with a butterfly. Thus, we see MegaMan Jr. High as it would be under Atari's influence.
It was another day at MegaMan Jr. High.
ElecMan: And that's why the great Bushnell was justified in being bitter about only making 20 million from the idea he stole. Now everyone go home.
MegaMan leaves the school. He falls into an ET pit.
MegaMan: Why does this keep happening?
Cut to a meticulously polished solid gold title screen
MegaMan: How am I supposed to get out of here?
MegaMan tries to climb out, but keeps falling back in due to poor collision detection.
MegaMan: It's hopeless!
ET: Yeah, pretty much, I've been trying to get out of here for a a while. Did they ever finish those pyramids I started?
Zero walks by.
MegaMan: Zero! Help me get out of here, or at least demonstrate what makes you different in this alternate reality!
Zero: I have a new hat.
Zero pulls MegaMan out.
MegaMan: Finally, I can go home!
MegaMan approaches his house. It's broken down and dilapidated, the town has clearly fallen on some hard times, or I'm about to steal that Futurama joke where they find the ruins of Fry's house and then flashback to it looking exactly the same.
Light: The economy just keeps getting worse and worse. The game industry keeps sinking, and crap like that new Super Mario Bros game/
Axl: NSMB? It's 1985!
Light: The n was lowercase. Anyway, anyone who thinks junk like that can help the industry is stuck in their own little Super Mario world! Doing the same things that crashed it is the only logical answer!
MegaMan: Don't you think we should at least give it a chance?
Sirens go off.
Light: Great, you activated the independent thought alarm by saying that!
The house is locked down.
Axl: So much for Rush getting back in, I hope he finds something to eat for dinner…
Cut to Rush mauling ET
Light: Now, he's coming.
MegaMan: You mean KI? The person we've presumably seen constantly since the show started?
Zero: The audience hasn't, his first appearance in Atari form is getting buildup.
The door flies open. Atari KI has appeared.
Act break.
Act 2:
KI enters the house. You don't know what KI looks like anyway so I don't see why I'm bothering, but KI is wearing a pixilated cape, a crown that could be a badly drawn M, and has the Atari logo tattooed on his hand.
KI: Who suggested supporting Nintendo!
KI takes out a joystick.
MegaMan: The joystick he uses to control our dimension!
Zero: Thanks, no way we could have figured that out by ourselves.
KI: SILENCE! Atari is the only game company we must follow! Need I remind you of how much they've influenced gaming? From our designers…
Cut to Keiji Inafune looking over his master design plan.
Inafune: Someday, someday I will design you, the best MegaMan yet!
Inafune puts the MegaMan DOS folder away.
KI:… to our internet gaming icons…
Cut to the Angry Video Game Nerd huddled in a padded room.
AVGN: Can't… take it… so… horrible…
We see a pile of the worst Atari games behind him.
KI:… and even myself!
Cut to KI playing Atari for the first time at his cousin's house.
Kid KI: Well, if this is all gaming has to offer, I guess I'll choke it down.
Cut back to KI.
KI: So, as you can see, Atari has just made everything better! If we give Nintendo a chance, Nintendo's won!
MegaMan: But gaming has just been getting worse and worse!
KI: And you think two plumbers are going to change that? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Now go back to your school run by your arch enemy and named after you.
MegaMan goes to school.
ElecMan: What are you doing here? It's 6PM, class doesn't start until 7PM!
MegaMan: ElecMan, you're the closest thing to an adult role model I have/
ElecMan: Our town and everything in it is a complete failure…
MegaMan: Why do we have to follow Atari just because KI grew up with it?
ElecMan: Because KI controls our fate and minds.
MegaMan: That wasn't really the point…
More sirens go off.
MegaMan: What now?
Roll: The most evil and annoying villain is approaching! Miyatommy Tallamoto!
MegaMan: What. The. Gris.
KI: Butterflies, thousands of them. But you're right, let's just call him Miyamoto, the point was made.
Miyamoto: I can help you, if you'll just try NES/
Bass: What an immature jerk.
KI: You'll never convince me! I was raised on Atari, and I'll die with Atari! I'm fairly sure the cosmos are with me on this.
KI dodges yet another lightning bolt.
Miyamoto: But if you'd just try it/
KI: No! Bushnell, I summon thee!
Nolan Bushnell appears.
Bushnell: I'll help you, but it will cost you.
KI: Of course, I'm not crazy enough to think you'd let me mention you in a free text comic without compensation.
Bushnell takes some money.
Bushnell: Okay then. Ahem, "Go KI!" Bye.
Bushnell leaves.
Miyamoto: Look, you can't get out of this. Atari crashed the industry, and Nintendo is going to revive it whether you like it or not.
KI: Just try! Face my ATARI energy!
KI's joystick starts to glow.
Miyamoto: BWAHAHAHA…. Sorry about that, some of the Tommy Tallarico fusion must have been left over.
KI: You'll never defeat Atari!
KI releases the built up energy. He falls into a pit.
Miyamoto: Time to reshape gaming!
Act break.
Act 3:
And in a flash, history happens. NES revives the console industry, and Atari is nothing but a distant memory that occasionally emerges to commit patent fraud or take advantage of anti-Japanese racism.
KI: I lost…
Miyamoto: Will you just try NES?
KI: Why bother? Gaming's dead.
Five years later:
MegaMan: Do you ever think KI will play again?
Zero: Well, they are releasing this new system called SNES…
KI: Forget it! I'll never play a Nintendo system, never!
MegaMan: Why? Why can't you just admit that games are better now?
KI: Why can't you just admit that it's time to make a game explaining what happened with Wily and Zero!
MegaMan: Look, can't you just try SNES? You might like it.
KI: Yeah, sure, I'll "like" it. Then I'll love it so much I write multiple series where it's the ultimate source of power. That's ridiculous. But fine, I'll try it to get you off my back!
KI purposely picks the worst SNES game ever made, and plays it.
KI: See, it's not that much better then the best Atari game!
Zero: Here, try this.
Zero puts Super Mario World into the SNES.
KI: Fine, I'll play for 10 seconds, but that's it!
3 seconds later:
KI: (to himself) This is the greatest thing ever! I can't believe how great this is! (out loud) It, um, sucks! It's so unrealistic, plumbers jumping five times their height, that's about as believable as hedgehogs carrying out stealth missions in cardboard boxes! I'm never playing this again!
MegaMan: I guess he just can't change. If only he had played SNES first…
KI: Well I didn't! My heart belongs to Atari, and they're practically bankrupt, even if I wanted it back I have no idea where it is!
Miyamoto arrives.
Miyamoto: You have to get over Atari!
KI: I can't, they're just such a great villain for this parody, it's not like I'm really still holding onto hatred of them, they're just fun to make fun of and… crap, I'm supposed to be in character! Ahem, NEVER! I'll play Atari, or I won't play video games at all!
A few years later, Jaguar comes out.
KI: Well, I guess my fate has been decided.
KI never plays another video game again. The years pass, and KI becomes more and more bitter. It's the 2000s again.
KI: I now know my purpose in life. I can't enjoy gaming, so I will try my best to spread misery to all gamers, especially Nintendo fans. From this day forth, I shall be known as…
Segabastard!
KI: And so we we see what would have happened if KI had grown up with Atari. Stay tuned to the next MegaMan Jr. High, and maybe I'll tell you about how KI being born before gaming would have turned him into Jack Thompson.