The feelings overcome her once more, relief and happiness like she had never experienced before. Her body relaxed, the pain fading as the drugs settled in. The small things that were creating so much gratitude now; pillows propped up around her, wearing her own clothes and most importantly, Catherine and Ethan on either side of her supplying her unconditional love. Despite her physical ailments, Jackie was extraordinarily happy in that moment. Doing absolutely nothing, yet having everything she had ever wanted right there on that couch.
That first week proved to be a learning process. As happy as Catherine was to be home, transitioning into the role of Jackie's sole care provider proved to more strenuous than she had ever imagined. Between keeping up with pill regimes and the spirometer, being Jackie's physical crutch, cooking, and keeping her comfortable, Catherine was left with little time for her own needs. On top of it all, Jackie was still waking up in the middle of the night in pain, and the couch was beginning to run its course on Catherine's back. She yearned for a good nights sleep up in her own bed considering it had been weeks. She was drinking multiple cups of coffee a day just to get by which was unusual for her, and her body was beginning to punish her. Keeping up her cheerful demeanor to keep Jackie's spirits high was an obstacle all in itself, but she was managing. She had to, she was to blame for this all. To top it off, she currently had awoken with a headache that was only increasing in pain as the day went on.
Jackie looked over at Catherine as she reveled in her happiness, but the sunlight streaming in through the windows revealed a different sight, one that was hard to see. Catherine's eye lids drooped before finally closing as she rubbed the bridge between them. Where her eyelashes ended, dark deep circles began and below them, puffy bags billowed from the tops of her cheeks. When she opened her eyes, they showed a tint of red and no longer were as big and vibrant, so full of life, as they usually were. Jackie suddenly felt an extreme sense of guilt. Catherine had been at her every beckoned call around the clock for two weeks, and it just now became apparent to her that it was slowly draining ever ounce of life from her. Of course it was. How was she just now seeing this? Jackie watched as she blinked her eyes a few times, trying to wake herself up, before looking at the clock and beginning to stand.
"Where are you going?" Jackie asked.
"To fix dinner," Catherine smiled.
Her smile looked so genuine it could deceive anyone. Obviously, since she had Jackie convinced, but that was the end of it. Now Jackie saw, really saw her. "Sit back down," she said as she patted the couch. "Let's just order pizza tonight."
"That sounds wonderful actually" Catherine sighed. "I'll go order. Do you need anything from the kitchen?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Okay" Catherine smiled, as she began to walk away.
"Catherine?"
"Yes?" She asked, turning around.
"Are you alright?" Jackie asked compassionately.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she replied, confused.
"You look off," after two weeks of being told how terrible she looked, Jackie learned the appropriate way of asking someone who obviously wasn't feeling up to par, how they were feeling.
"I'm okay, just have a headache. I'm going to go take some aspirin and I'll be good as new," she smiled.
When Catherine got upstairs she looked at herself in the mirror, no wonder Jackie said something, she looked absolutely terrible. After swallowing a few aspirin, she splashed some cold water on her face hoping to look rejuvenated. As she made her way back downstairs she glanced at her bed, dying to collapse in it. The food and aspirin dulled her headache and Jackie called it an early night, so she was thrilled to be able to squeeze in a decent amount of sleep before having to give Jackie her meds.
Jackie woke up in excruciating pain per usual, her leg throbbing, her shoulder piercing. It was 2:30 A.M. and Catherine was sound asleep on the couch. Wanting to give her the night off, she tried lifting herself. The pain in her shoulder tearing through her arm as she moved, biting down on her lip to prevent from making any noise, she finally sat up and carefully swung her casted leg over the bed, bringing the other with it. She reached for her crutch that was resting against the wall almost knocking it over, she froze and glanced at Catherine but she didn't even stir. She extended her arm as far as she could, leaning forward, at last she grabbed hold of it and carefully tilted it back towards her. This was the first time she didn't have anyone helping her stand, so she took a minute to prepare herself. Grabbing the crutch she held tightly to it and put all of her weight on her left leg. Biting down on her lip even harder to subdue the pain that felt like lightning bolts flashing through her body. Slowly and surely she hobbled her way into the kitchen and spotted her medication on the counter. The pain was unbearable and it was taking every ounce of her not to make a peep the last few feet. Once she had the pills in hand, she struggled balancing on the crutch while trying to open the bottle. Frustrated, she attempted to use her teeth. When that didn't work she squeezed the bottle as tightly as she could, sending more pain up her shoulder, and used her good arm to twist the child proof cap. She felt it click but the relief didn't last long. Her eagerness caused her to lose grip on the bottle, sending every single pill scattering across the kitchen floor.
"Fucking perfect!" She whispered.
While trying to carefully get to the floor, she dropped her crutch, causing both her and it, to slam to the floor. She let out a shriek before covering her mouth one handed, trying to smother her cries.
Catherine jumped up from her deep sleep, she looked over and saw Jackie missing from her bed and ran towards the noise. From the living room Catherine could see Jackie on the kitchen floor. "Jackie!" she yelled as she rushed into the kitchen. "What happened, are you okay?!" She began to put her arms around her to help get her up but Jackie cried out, "no! Please just get me pills first." Catherine hurried to the sink and got a glass of water as Jackie grabbed the closest pills from the floor.
"Are you hurt?" Catherine asked, closely studying her body for any indications.
"I don't think so, just give me a minute," Jackie said, concentrating on her breathing.
Catherine sat next to her on the floor, worried and unsure of what to do. Should she take her to the hospital? As Jackie took her time to recover from the fall, Catherine began picking up the pills. "Can we get you up off of the floor yet?"
"Yeah" Jackie said quietly.
Catherine helped her stand but as they slowly began to walk, Jackie asked to stop at the table and sit first. "Let me get the wheelchair." When Catherine returned she sat next to Jackie. "What were you doing in here?"
"I needed my pills."
"Then why didn't you wake me?"
"I wanted to give you a night off" Jackie said softly.
"It was just a headache, I'm fine," she insisted.
"No you're not. I'm a lot to handle, I know that."
"You're not-"
"Catherine. Yes I am." Jackie stated matter of factly, looking into her eyes. "I'm sorry it took me until today to see you."
"You could have really hurt yourself. Promise me you won't do that again," Catherine said, deflecting her statement.
That was the beginning of a change. From then on, Jackie made Catherine lighten the load she was carrying and fight her urge to do everything for her. To compromise, Catherine would leave two pain pills and a glass of water by Jackie's bed every night, so she would no longer need to get up with her. As much as she wanted her bed, she just couldn't risk leaving Jackie alone downstairs, especially after the stunt she pulled. She liked being close to her anyway. In a few days they would be going back to California for a check up and hopefully would receive good news. In the meantime, the extra sleep was doing wonders for Catherine. Also to her surprise, she received a phone call from Stanford asking to come for a second interview, which she was able to arrange around Jackie's appointment.
Once getting back to California, they were able to make it to the hospital unnoticed, a smiling Rachel meeting them there. "You look so good! And happy!" She said, hugging Jackie.
"I am, thanks to Catherine."
Catherine smiled down at her before giving Rachel a hug.
The doctor said Jackie was healing nicely, no complications and he signed her off to begin physical therapy. "How soon until I get this cast off?" She asked, knocking on her leg.
"A couple more weeks unfortunately, I'll give you a referral in Bloomington so you won't need to come back just for that."
Jackie was not pleased with his response.
Rachel booked a hotel room for them and would be staying with Jackie while Catherine went to Stanford for her interview. After giving her detailed instructions, Catherine hugged Jackie goodbye for the first time since her accident, hesitant to leave her.
"Break a leg!" Jackie shouted, as Catherine was walking out.
"Probably not the best thing to say right now" Rachel said, as she looked at Jackie's cast.
Catherine laughed, "don't have too much fun without me girls, and don't let that one pull a fast one on you Rachel" she warned, pointing to Jackie.
Jackie dropped her mouth in offense, "Me? Never!"
Catherine just shot her a wink before heading off to the airport.
Once checking in at Stanford, Catherine sprawled out on the King sized bed she had to herself. The first bed she'd laid in, in 3 weeks. She turned off the light, eager to enjoy it and the eight hours of restful, uninterrupted sleep she would be able to get not having to worry about Jackie, but instead something happened. Something she hadn't planned. She opened her eyes, suddenly missing the close proximity to Jackie and the luxury of knowing she was okay. Catherine reached for her phone and texted her just to check in, "How are you doing?"
Jackie laughed when she saw the message light up across her phone.
"What's so funny?" Rachel asked.
"Catherine's already worried about me" she said, lifting her phone and showing her the screen.
"Aw, she loves you," Rachel teased.
Jackie just smiled and wrote Catherine back. "I'm fine, stop worrying ;) I'm in good hands."
"I know you are, don't hesitate to call. Promise?"
"Promise. Enjoy your vacation from me :) and good luck tomorrow. Call me after."
Even though they had been joking, calling this Catherine's vacation, she hoped Jackie didn't think any part of that was true. "I miss you Porcupine."
"I miss you too, now get some sleep!"
"So how has it been back in Bloomington? Everything you imagined it to be?" Rachel asked.
"Yes, and no. Yes it's been great, but I'm so sick of being this way and having to rely on Catherine so much. I know it's beating her down."
"Honestly, it's probably helping her though. I don't think you realize how guilty she felt about this all. It tore her up inside and probably still does. Being able to help you heal is most likely helping her heal as well."
"The last thing I want is our relationship to turn into more of a patient/nurse scenario out of guilt, rather than a genuine one."
"That's not what I meant. She loves you so much, I can see it and could see it before you guys even told me. She didn't leave your bedside the entire time you were here and it wasn't based off of guilt, she just loved you so much she couldn't bare to leave you for even a second."
Jackie just smiled, "yeah you're right. I've just been feeling a little insecure lately and can't wait to get back to my old self."
The next day while waiting for Catherine to return to Los Angeles, Jackie asked Rachel if they could stop by her apartment to get a few things. "I can't get you up those steps."
"I know, I can wait in the car. Please!"
After convincing Rachel, she handed her a list of things and there whereabouts. "I'll be back as soon as I can," Rachel said before disappearing into Jackie's apartment building, leaving her alone in the car. Jackie stared out the window, dreaming about the cappuccinos they were going to get at her favorite coffee shop down the street, when she spotted him. He was looking closely at her in the slyest way possible, before slowly reaching for what looked like a camera. Jackie quickly looked down, hoping she was just being paranoid.
"Jacqueline Kirk?" She heard through the glass. Nope. Definitely not being paranoid. Not even bothering to look up, she dialed Rachel. Suddenly two more men showed up and they all began shouting at her. "Jacqueline how are you? Are you pressing charges against Tommy? Have you talked to him?"
"Rachel get down here the paparazzi are here."
"Shit, okay I have a couple more things to grab."
"Forget it, just get down here please!"
"Jacqueline how is your recovery going?"
She didn't answer, just kept her head down and covered her face as she saw the flashes reflecting off of the windows. She finally heard Rachel's voice, yelling at them as she hurried to the car.
"Jacqueline! How does it feel to single handedly destroy Tommy's career?!"
"Those fucking idiots! Don't you listen to them Jackie!"
Rachel sped off hoping to lose them before they reached their cars, but they caught up to them. She tried her best to weave between traffic but they stayed on her tail. "Jesus they're even more relentless since you've been missing so long, you're still a hot topic here."
Jackie's eyes were covered but she could feel the speed of the car. "Rachel slow down" she whispered.
"You know a picture of you would go for thousands I bet" she said, ignoring her.
"Rachel please slow down," she repeated, losing her breath as her heartbeat increased.
"Jacks, if I do we'll lead them straight back to the hotel" she replied, staring out her rear view mirror as she continued changing lanes.
"Rachel! Please just slow the fuck down!" She yelled.
Rachel did what was asked almost immediately. "I'm sorry. Are you okay? I don't know what to do Jackie."
Jackie sat there hysterical, unable to breathe so Rachel called Wade and told her the predicament they were in. After pulling into his building, security met them in a garage and took them up to his office where Jackie sat quietly.
Catherine saw Rachel's number pop up and panicked, considering what happened the last time she called. "Rachel, is everything okay?"
"Not really-But don't worry! I took Jackie to her apartment, she wanted me to grab a few things and while she waited in the car, the paparazzi spotted her. They followed us and Jackie freaked out so we're at Wade's now because I couldn't lose them."
Catherine made Rachel give the phone to Jackie and even though she assured her she was fine, she could tell she wasn't. A couple hours later when she landed in Los Angeles, she hurried to meet her. Unable to get Jackie back to the hotel, Rachel went with security to gather their belongings as they snuck Jackie to the airport. Once there, Rachel met Catherine and led her to a private room they were able to keep Jackie in until she arrived.
"She was really upset, I've never seen her like that before. I think it was a panic attack, she couldn't breathe."
When Catherine entered the room she saw Jackie sitting in her wheel chair. "Hey, are you okay?" She asked, as she hugged her and kissed her forehead.
"Yeah, just get me out of here."
After returning to Bloomington, things didn't go back to the way they were. Jackie began seeming distant and her humor lessened. She began physical therapy on her shoulder which left her tired and irritable, but Catherine knew it was deeper than that. One day when they were on their way home from therapy, a car pulled out in front of them almost causing Catherine to wreck. She laid on her horn, cussing them out. Once her anger ceased she glanced at Jackie and saw her breathing heavily but Jackie just credited her response to the shock of it. Back home when they were eating dinner, Catherine decided to try to talk to Jackie about it since it seemed as though she was struggling with something internally.
"I'm sorry about earlier."
"About what?" Jackie asked confused.
"In the car."
"It wasn't your fault, that guy cut you off."
"I know but I could have handled it better."
Jackie just blew it off like it wasn't a big deal and continued to eat.
"Was that like what happened in LA?" She asked bluntly.
"What do you mean?"
"With the paparazzi?"
"Sorta, just their typical bullshit."
"You know, the doctor said you would probably start to remember bits and pieces about the accident once some time had passed."
Jackie just stared at her fork before putting it down. "I'm really tired from today, I think I'm going to go lay down."
"Okay, do you need help?"
"No, I've got it. Thanks for dinner it was great," she said before kissing Catherine on the cheek.
Jackie slowly made her way into the living room. She knew she wouldn't be able to hide her feelings for long, Catherine was starting to catch on. LA had been a disaster. Between the paparazzi scare and Wade breaking the news to her that she didn't get the part in the movie, she was beginning to feel more lost than she ever had. It seemed as though her struggle of finding a place where she belonged was becoming a constant. She left high school because she was treated as an outcast, left LA because she was lost without Mark, left Bloomington because everyone constantly pointed out the fact that she didn't belong and now, when she finally felt at home in LA again, she was being shut out once more. The last thing she ever imagined was the media blaming her for Tommy's mistake, and as much as she didn't originally want the role, it now made her feel empty knowing it wasn't hers. She was desperately trying to grasp onto something that would make her feel whole again, but she found herself left with nothing. Except for Catherine that is. But after seeing the affect she had on her, she was trying her best not to drag her down into this hole with her, leaving her no other choice than to distance herself from her.
Finally something positive. A few days later, Jackie's cast was removed and was replaced with a temporary walking one. With her spirits raised, they stopped by the store to get some celebratory foods. "I'm going to go grab a few things" Jackie said, before parting ways with Catherine. As she was was making her way down an aisle, she stopped in her tracks when she spotted none other than Sandy standing in front of her.
"Jackie?" She asked hesitantly, confused to see her there.
"Hi Sandy," Jackie smiled.
"How are you?" She asked before looking at her shoulder and crutch. "I heard about your accident."
"Yeah..." Jackie replied. "I'm getting there, how are you?"
"I'm good, just about to start junior year. Are you coming back to school?" Obviously that would explain her presence in Bloomington.
"Oh, uhh... no. I'm just here until I get better. I needed to get away from Hollywood for a bit." As Jackie was in the middle of explaining, Catherine walked up behind her.
"Hey do you want cookie dough or chocolate fudge-" Catherine stopped as soon as she saw Sandy.
"Oh, sorry I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll meet you up front okay?"
"Okay," Jackie nodded before turning her attention back to Sandy, who was staring at her in shock. Jackie smiled uncomfortably as Sandy stayed silent. Obviously seeing her with the infamous Professor Stark took her by surprise. "Well I better get going, it was good seeing you" she said, before beginning to hobble away.
"I'm sorry," Sandy finally blurted out. "I had no idea you two were actually-"
"It's okay," Jackie interrupted with a smile. "You couldn't have known."
When Jackie got to the front of the store, Catherine looked at her suspiciously. "Everything okay?"
She nodded.
"Well that was interesting" Catherine said, as soon as they got into the car. "I almost grabbed some frozen peas from the freezer section. I don't see a black eye or bloody nose so I assume all went well?"
Jackie laughed, "I'd say so. You should've seen her face when she saw you. She even apologized once the shock wore off."
"Really?"
"Yup. Guess she thought I was just another notch in your bedpost."
Later that evening, they were preparing to get Jackie upstairs for the first time. Catherine was thrilled, Jackie was in a good mood all day and now they got to finally sleep in something other than a hospital bed or piece of furniture. Jackie was equally as thrilled, having her leg casted for over a month, she wanted nothing more than to soak her leg in the bathtub. Jackie grabbed hold of the railing as Catherine stood behind her to keep her balanced, also prepared to keep her from falling backwards down the giant staircase. Before even reaching the halfway point, Jackie couldn't take it anymore. The added stress on her stiff and weak leg muscles proved to be too much. "I can't do this, take me back down."
"Jackie we're half there, just-"
"Catherine I can't!" She cried.
"Just stand here for a second and take a break, you're so close."
Jackie took a minute before continuing on. After the first step she stopped again, "I can't!"
"Yes you can. Come on, you can do this."
She screamed at every step. "That's fine, let it out, just keep going."
When she got to the top, Catherine handed her the crutch. Jackie looked at Catherine's door, it was still so far away.
"I hate you so much right now" she muttered, feeling defeated.
Catherine smiled. "You're going to take that back the moment you get into that tub and lay on that bed."
As soon as they reached the bed, Jackie collapsed onto it while Catherine went to run the bath water for her. She must have fallen asleep because when she awoke, Catherine was kissing her neck, straddled on top of her. Jackie opened her eyes and smiled. "What did I tell you" Catherine teased, as she helped her sit up and walk to the bathroom. She sat her down on the side of the tub and knelt in front of her, gently loosening the strap of her sling before carefully lifting it up over her head and removing her arm from it. "Are you okay?"
Jackie nodded.
She then removed her walking cast and pants as Jackie began removing her shirt, wincing as she tried getting her shoulder through. "Careful" Catherine spoke quietly, as she took control and slowly removed her shirt. As soon as it was over Jackie's head she looked down at her scar and covered it with her hand self consciously. Catherine took her hand and kissed it as she looked at her and smiled. She then gently ran her finger tip above the scar before leaning in and kissing it softly. Jackie looked back at her, full of emotion and Catherine took her face in her hands, kissing her. They hadn't kissed like that since before the accident, since before their fight. Catherine stopped and pressed her forehead against Jackie's, knowing she had to contain herself. "The water is going to get cold," she whispered.
Jackie nodded, her forehead still pressed against Catherine's. After getting in the bath, Catherine left her there to relax. "Don't, under any circumstance, fall asleep" she warned, before smiling and leaving Jackie alone.
When she was finished, Catherine helped her up and wrapped her in a robe, sitting her on the bed as she brought fresh clothes. "That one" Jackie pointed, choosing Catherine's lacrosse shirt. "How did I know," she teased. After getting her arm adjusted in the shirt she flashed her a look, "still hate me?"
"Mmhmm..." Jackie mumbled, over-embellishing her nods.
"Oh really? What about now..." Catherine said, kissing her on the cheek.
"Mmhmm" Jackie mumbled once more.
Catherine smiled before kissing her on the neck, "And now?"
Jackie just smiled as Catherine slowly leaned her back on the bed. Without hardly even touching her, Jackie winced "ow!"
"What? Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"
"I'm just sore, maybe I should take my pain pills before this goes any further."
"Yeah, of course" Catherine said, as she carefully got off from on top of her. "I'll be back in a sec," she winked.
When she returned to the room not even five minutes later, she found Jackie lying in bed sound asleep. "Jackie" she whispered smiling, rubbing her arm. No response. "Poor thing." After placing the pills on the night stand, Catherine pulled the covers up over her and kissed her on the forehead before turning off the lights and crawling in next to her.
Once she felt Catherine finally drift off to sleep, Jackie opened her eyes and stared out into the darkness.