Sometimes when Lily thought about Severus, her heart swelled with so much unfulfilled desire that she felt like she was about to waste away. Sometimes, thinking about him filled her with just enough warmth to get her through another lonely day.

This time, however, she felt like punching him in the face.

All these months, she had been sick with worry because she hadn't even known if he was still alive. She had been screaming his name in the wind until her throat had grown raw and sore, and he had heard her all the time. He knew very well she had been looking for him. He had definitely received her letters, and maybe even read them. He just hadn't cared to answer.

To think that the biggest obstacle between them had been Severus himself all along.

Wanker.

After that pivotal Thursday afternoon, Sebastian Spectre's quality potions were no longer available at Slug and Jiggers. Lily tried to track him down, but all references to Mr. Spectre had mysteriously vanished from every book and register she took a look at. She wrote him angry letters, but Psyche returned them all with a confused look in her big eyes – clearly, he had made himself unplottable now.

He was far better at disappearing than she was at finding things.

But she was more stubborn. She had always been.

If Severus truly wanted nothing to do with her, he had to come out and say it to her face. Otherwise, she was not going to give up on him. She was not done until she had seen him, spoken to him, and convinced him to leave Voldemort.

The other Severus had spent his life being pushed around by cruel and powerful men, all because of the bad choices he had made in his youth. He had suffered alone, and eventually died alone. As long as this Severus stayed with the Death Eaters, his story was bound to end up just as miserably.

Lily was not going to let that happen. She would make sure that this time his life would be better, even if she had to drag him out of Voldemort's claws with her bare hands. Only then would she listen if he told her to leave him alone.

She burned the note Severus had sent her, and kept on searching for him.

A few weeks drifted by.

Lily kept writing to potential Death Eater victims and warned them of the dangers they were about to face – though at this point she suspected the accuracy of her "predictions". So much had changed that she doubted that half of the assassinations she set out to prevent were even going to happen in this tangled thread of time. Still, there was no harm in telling people to watch their backs.

She began her sessions with Alastor Moody. They met every Sunday, and he taught her curses and counter-curses and other useful skills, helping her become more of a fighter and less of a walking target. She was showing steady improvement, although she knew that she would never become as good as Moody or James or anyone else who excelled in such magic.

Moody never asked her about her visions again. She had a sneaking suspicion that he didn't believe them at all, but he never brought it up. She didn't know why, but she was glad he didn't, because it was very difficult to lie to him. Perhaps he oddly trusted her, like she oddly trusted him, and that was enough for her right now.

Christmas flew by so fast that Lily hardly even realized that it had been there. She spent the holidays with Petunia and her family, and although she enjoyed spending time with her sister and little Dudley, she briefly wondered whether this would be her holiday routine from now on; dinner and presents with the Dursleys, and then back home to the cold emptiness of her apartment. It was not like she was going to start a family of her own until Voldemort had been vanquished for good.

Did that mean that she was going to be alone forever?

She also thought a lot about her and Severus. Once she got over her initial reaction to his blunt message (rage, frustration, breaking of things), she began to wonder why exactly Severus insisted on avoiding her.

She remembered the conversation they had had on the empty playground over a year and a half ago (or over two years ago, depending how she counted it; she had spent many sleepless nights wondering whether or not she was now six months older than people thought she was). The look on Severus's face had been as bleak as the world around them.

If you ever get back home, I advise you to stay as far away from me as you possibly can.

Was that a retrospective opinion, or did the twentysomething Severus feel the same way? Was he avoiding her only because he was trying to protect her?

Or was it just that he was ashamed of himself?

If you'd seen what I did twenty years ago, you could never look me in the eyes again.

His words kept echoing inside her head. Severus had been wrong. Having read his journal, she knew perfectly well what he had done, and yet she would have given anything to see his face again.

The real question was whether Severus could look her in the eyes again. Without many years of guilt and mourning softening his damaged heart, could this Severus ever forgive her for turning her back on him?

Maybe he had told her to stop looking for him because he simply didn't want to see her ever again.

Her exhales came out as heavy sighs whenever she thought about this entirely possible explanation. Still, that was hardly the greatest of her concerns – right now, she was mainly interested in making sure that Severus was alive and well, and that neither Voldemort nor James – nor Dumbledore, for that matter – could ever hurt him again.

She just had to find him first.

Lily gave a sigh, watching her breath appear and disappear in the chilly December air. She had to spend a minute gathering herself outside Elphias Doge's house before ringing the doorbell. Somehow, she was even more nervous this time around than she had been the month before.

Today, she would attend her first Order meeting since her dramatic return to the center of the action. She had deliberately waited a whole month before informing Dumbledore that she was going to honour them with her presence, just to show him that she was not going to be one of his playthings even if she was willing to work with the Order. She would call the shots from now on.

Giving the impression of confidence and determination would have been much easier if she hadn't felt like she might throw up the minute she walked in. Phase two of her plan to acquire a position of power in the Order was only going to work if most of the members had decided that she really was someone worth listening to, and she was not at all sure whether she had earned their respect. Just because she'd had then convinced that she could see the future it didn't mean that they were all going to look up to her.

She rose a hesitant finger to the doorbell, and stood outside for several tense seconds before being granted an entrance, cursing in her mind when she found herself face to face with none other than James, who glared at her with the coolness of an Arctic breeze. He let her in without greeting her – without even confirming that it was really her, as all Order members were instructed to do, as though to overstate that she truly was like air to him now.

Not that it mattered. In fact, she preferred to be ignored by him. It was easier.

It still amazed her how quickly their relationship had turned from distant yet affectionate to full on cold war. She certainly hadn't planned to hate him when she had returned to this time. Her feelings for Severus might have grown to eclipse everything she had felt for James, but she had not felt any hate for him. She had been awkward as hell, yes, and irritated, frustrated, and guilty, but she had pitied him too much to hate him. Whenever she had looked at him, she had only seen an overgrown little boy who had been doomed to die for reasons not even Lily herself had fully understood.

After the incidents at the Ministry of Magic, she had only felt more sorry for him. Within the span of one day, James had lost his best friend, his girlfriend, and any chance of even knowing that he was about to become a father – and most of this had been Lily's fault. She had seen all the horrible things he was capable of written on his face at Sirius's funeral, but somehow she'd managed to feel sympathy for him even then. On that moment, she had loathed herself far too much to spare any contempt for him.

She finally met the limits of her compassion when Remus had told her what had happened at the Three Broomsticks.

After many months of trying to track down Severus with absolutely no success, she was not at all happy to hear that James was the one who had driven him away to begin with. Everything about the incident still filled her with rage – how James had attacked Severus for no reason, how Dumbledore had helped to cover his tracks, how Severus had been forced to quit his job because of the scandal, and how this all had made it impossible for Lily to get in touch with Severus again.

It was also upsetting for her to realize how little this all surprised her. Of course James had attacked Severus for no reason. He had never had a reason – just a malicious, insatiable desire to do something horrible to someone less fortunate than him simply because he could. This was exactly who James had always been, before and after she had first kissed his lips.

She wasn't quite sure why it had taken her this long to stop making excuses for him. Even after Severus had described her just how awful James could be, she had somehow found it very important to constantly remind him that James wasn't entirely bad. James had changed. She had firmly believed that he was not the ignorant bully he had been at fifteen – that despite his obvious flaws, he really was a decent person at heart. That was all that had mattered to her.

In the past few weeks, however, she had finally gotten a grasp of the full scale of his character. This had made her comprehend that she had never really understood who James really was. She had been privileged enough to only know the good James – the charming, funny, delightfully cheeky James, who made her laugh and gave her everything she wanted – and for the longest time she had genuinely thought that this was all there was to him.

Maybe she had only thought so because she had no longer found herself constantly witnessing his acts of pointless cruelty. After ending her friendship with Severus, she had only seen James at his best behaviour. Severus had been her only access to James's darker side. With him gone from her life, she rarely got reminded of just how terrible James could be at his worst.

The revelation wasn't exactly flattering; she had almost married a man who had taunted and tortured her best friend for his own amusement – who had never thought meaningless violence was below him – whose bad side was much darker and much dirtier than she had ever before been willing to admit.

What side of her did that reveal?

The air was tense when she took a seat at the dinner table among the rest of the Order. The friendly chatter around the table ceased, and she was met with solemn, cold stares. Some gazed at her with respect, and others with disdain. Clearly, she was still a controversial figure in this crowd.

She was happy to see that Remus was also there, but she had to blink when she first laid her eyes on him. He looked very different – in the best possible sense of the word. Although there was still an air of gloom about him – sadness seemed to follow him like a shadow wherever he went – it seemed as though he had really pulled himself together since their last meeting. He had cut his hair and shaved off his stubble, his clothes were neat and tidy, and he sat on his chair with his back straight and his head held high. His eyes were bright and sharp, completely devoid of that dimness she'd caught in his gaze a month ago.

She thought that this actually might have been the first time she saw him not looking like he wanted to deeply apologize the entire universe for inhabiting it.

"Remus, hey," she said, greeting him with a friendly smile, "How have you been?"

"Fine, thanks," he replied. She could not detect any particular emotion in his voice.

He dropped his gaze on the stack of papers he was arranging on the table. The papers were full of ink-stained notes, and when she coyly glanced at the top one, she clearly made out the names R. Black, Malfoy, Wilkes, and Rosier. The first name had been circled.

"I've been busy," he continued, hiding the papers under a book, "And so have you, I assume."

"Incredibly," she sighed, and almost went on to lament on how rough the past few weeks had been for her. However, she quickly realized that James was within an earshot of them, and she instantly shut her mouth.

"Talk to you later," she muttered, and got the perfect excuse to end the conversation when Dumbledore entered the room.

"Everyone," he said calmly, greeting the whole room with a slight nod before fixing his eyes on Lily, "Good to see you again, Lily. I am thrilled that you have decided to join us this evening."

"Pleasure's all mine," said she, trying to shield her true feelings from his penetrating gaze.

"I'll get back to you once we've dealt with some of the more urgent issues at hand," he continued, "Particularly those related to the successful mission our strike team carried out the other day."

He looked at what Lily could only assume was the aforementioned "strike team", which appeared to include James, the Prewett brothers, and three new members – a middle-aged man with a mighty beard, a tough-looking dark-haired woman, and a vaguely familiar-looking boy who appeared to be only little more than a child.

"I believe you have not met Theoron, Clelia, and Barry before," he gestured at the newcomers, and then turned his attention back to Lily, "This is Lily Evans. You may know her by the name of Cassandra Queen."

He gave a quick briefing of Lily's alleged gift of foresight to the newcomers, who all regarded her with awe and respect.

In the meanwhile, Lily fell into her own thoughts as she stared at Dumbledore and contemplated her mixed feelings for the man she had once regarded as her hero.

She wondered whether she was being too hard on him by fucking hating his guts. Although she had a proper reason for being angry with him, she wasn't quite sure why it was difficult for her to even consider forgiving him. Forgiving Peter had been easy, and Peter had had her killed.

Why was she so full of hate? Dumbledore was yet to do anything wrong. She couldn't exactly blame him for the manipulations of a painting from an alternate future. It was a ridiculous thought. The portrait wasn't even the real Dumbledore. It didn't contain his soul.

And still, Dumbledore made her blood boil. She couldn't help it.

At some point during her musings, Gideon Prewett had started telling the rest of the Order about the battle he and his team had engaged in just before Christmas. He had gained Lily's full attention by the time he had dropped a few names she recognized.

"We followed the first one inside the back room of the store, and found a total of three Death Eaters. We almost got them by a surprise, but there was a third one there who we hadn't noticed earlier. He saw us approaching and alerted the others. There was a quick battle, but we outnumbered them six to three. By the end of it two of them were down and one had escaped. Hippolyta Fellows and Ciarán Troy won't be bothering us anymore."

An image of two members of the Slytherin Quidditch team flashed before Lily's eyes. Hippolyta – or Hippo, as James had always called her (though she bore absolutely no resemblance to a heavy-set water mammal) – was the Seeker. She was a petite, pint-sized girl who always stood out from the rest of the team because of her lack of height. Her red-headed team mate Ciarán was an athletic, good-looking Beater who was very popular among the female population of Hogwarts.

Although Lily didn't know either one of them personally, she had attended enough Quidditch matches to remember their names, faces – and ages. They were both at least two years younger than Lily, so they couldn't have been more than eighteen. They were practically children.

"Were they killed?" she found herself asking.

"Of course they were," James replied. This was the first time all evening he was openly paying attention to her. She was slightly startled by his blunt and direct response. It was almost as if he was daring her to be upset.

And that she was. The thought of sitting next to six trained adults who had recently killed two teenagers made her feel dirty, even if the two teenagers in question were Death Eaters.

"As I said, there was a battle," said Gideon.

"What about the one who got away?" asked Dorcas Meadowes.

"I was just getting to that. We chased the third Death Eater down eventually and captured him alive."

"Igor Karkaroff," Fabian Prewett chimed in, "Told you lot that he was one of them."

"We interrogated Karkaroff last weekend," Moody said, picking up where Gideon had left off, "He broke down easily, but he didn't have much to give us – just one new name in addition to a few that we already had."

"Which one?"

"Rosier. No surprise there, but at least now we have it confirmed."

"We might as well add Snape to that list already. Everyone knows that he's one of them," said James. He wasn't looking at Lily, but she could tell that he was bringing Severus's name up just to drive her insane.

"Thank you, James," Dumbledore brushed him off, "Looks like Karkaroff wasn't the most valued member of Voldemort's flock, and I must say that I can understand why. He did not waste a moment to sell his secrets for freedom. I believe he gave us all he knew before we sent him to Azkaban, and some of it did prove to be quite interesting. Turns out that he had heard about the next initiation ceremony of new Death Eaters. That's the main reason I wanted to see you all today."

For one fleeting moment, Lily's thoughts flew all the way to Karkaroff's cell in Azkaban. He had no doubt been sentenced for life without a proper trial, as captured Death Eaters always were.

While she did not feel particularly sorry for Karkaroff himself, she could not help but wonder what she would do if Severus was caught in the same position. If the Aurors were ever to catch him alive, he would most certainly spend the rest of his days in Azkaban. There was no way Lily could ever rescue him then.

"The ceremony will take place on January 14 at Sceaduwe Keep, at midnight. It's an old castle – abandoned, enchanted, full of twisting tunnels meant to disorientate uninvited visistors. It fell into decay when the wizard who built it died. It's a dangerous, unfriendly place, cursed to seed paranoia and fear into the heart of anyone who enters it carelessly."

"And this is where he has chosen to introduce himself to his new recruits," said Moody, shaking his head, "They learn to fear him from day one."

"It's who Riddle is. He needs his tricks and scares to keep his men in line," said Dumbledore, "But we will not be frightened by him or the castle. We'll ambush the castle and capture them all. He'll be bringing three of his men to receive the five new members. If we attack them with our full arsenal, we'll outnumber them easily."

"In other words, we're looking at an opportunity to surprise him when he's not expecting us. This may be the best chance we've ever gotten. We might get him."

Moody's words filled the room with a hopeful charge. Lily felt it in her heart, too, but she was quickly brought down by a chilling afterthought.

What if Severus was going to be there? What if he was one of those three Death Eaters?

"What exactly are we supposed to do with the rest of them?" she asked.

"The rest of them?" Gideon Prewett said, raising his eyebrows.

"The Death Eaters. Most of them are novices, right? It'll be a bloodbath if they get caught in the crossfire."

"That's their problem," said James, "Should've thought of that before signing up."

"We don't know who these people are. We don't know if they've done anything wrong yet, other than choosing to join the Death Eaters. We don't know whether they're there willingly or because they were forced to come. Some of them could even be children."

She was getting confused and angry looks again. James rolled his eyes. Clearly, sympathy did not come easily in this company when Death Eaters were concerned.

"I'm confused," said Fabian Prewett, "Are you asking us to call off the mission because some innocent Death Eaters might get hurt?"

"No. I am asking you to give them a chance."

"What would you rather have us do, Evans?" asked Moody.

Lily took a deep breath. This was exactly what she had come here to say.

"I think the Order should focus on figuring out why Voldemort is immortal," she began, "We all know that he's turned himself invincible. If we want to beat him, we have to start by undoing whatever he's done to himself. Attacking him now won't make any difference if he won't stay down when we strike him down. We'll just end up with a pile of bodies."

She looked at Remus, the one person she counted on to back up her opinion. He seemed to be taking her words in with great interest, but he said nothing.

"So, you're saying that we should just let Death Eaters run amok just because we can't kill their leader yet?" Gideon said sourly, "We can't just stand by and do research while they destroy everything. We have to fight them back."

"He's right, Lily" said Dumbledore, "The Order must to protect the innocent."

"Nobody is innocent," said Lily, "Not us, and not them. Sometimes the line between us might be thinner than you all seem to think."

"Death Eaters killed my mother and my father," said Barry, the young new boy with the blond hair, "I found their bodies myself when I came home. All the lines I've seen since have been very clear."

Lily blushed.

"I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you had to see it," she said, "But I can't help but imagine the pain the parents of Ciarán Troy and Hippolyta Fellows must have felt when they found out that their children had been killed. They were both only eighteen."

"It was self-defense, Evans. Don't talk about it like you saw what happened," James said darkly. Lily narrowed her eyes at him.

"I know that there were six of you against two teenagers and a noted bed-wetter. You could have easily caught them without having to kill them."

"If you really think they would have showed us mercy if our roles had been reversed, you're an idiot."

"Quiet, both of you!" Moody thundered, "Evans, I see your point, but you don't understand war. Nobody here likes to kill, but sometimes it's the only thing we can do to protect ourselves and our friends. Or would you not kill an enemy to save the life of someone you love?"

Lily said nothing, but she thought about the people dearest to her – Harry, Severus, Petunia, little Dudley – and she knew that she was prepared to do anything to keep them safe.

Still, she felt wrong about the mission.

"It will be a bloodbath," she said, "I don't need to rely on my visions to tell you that."

James opened his mouth to say something, but he remained quiet after Dumbledore signaled him to stop.

"Lily," Dumbledore said, "You have a remarkably kind soul, and we should all take your advice to heart. For the most part, I even agree with you. However, this is an opportunity we cannot afford to waste. If we have even the slightest chance of capturing Voldemort, we must try. There are risk involved, but sometimes we must take chances for the greater good."

Lily clenched her fists. She had heard that old defense too many times.

"As for searching for the source of Voldemort's immortality, I fully agree with you. We should put more time and effort into finding out where he has gained his strength. If you do have any precognitive information about this, I am asking you to share it with us."

Lily considered this for a moment. Once again, she found herself being naturally suspicious of Dumbledore, but she quickly realized that she had no reason to not tell him the little she knew about Voldemort's immortality. Dumbledore might have had a dark side, but he really did want to defeat Voldemort.

"Yes," Lily said, "I might have something. It's not much, but it could help us get on the right track."

"Good. I'll get back to you once we're done planning the ambush," Dumbledore said.

"I'm coming with you," she blurted out without thinking.

"Sorry?"

"The initiation ceremony. You said you need all of the Order. Just saying that I'm in."

Dumbledore smiled at her, and she smiled back, even though her heart was still heavy with anxiety. Everything about this plan reeked of danger and bad ideas, but she rather joined the mission than allowed it to turn into a nightmare. If something terrible happened and she wasn't there to stop it, she would regret it for the rest of her life.