Half Love

"Not Going Anywhere"

This is why I always wonder
I'm a pond full of regrets
I always try to not remember rather than forget
This is why I always whisper
When vagabonds are passing by
I tend to keep myself away from their goodbyes
Tide will rise and fall along the bay
and I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere
People come and go and walk away
but I'm not going anywhere
I'm not going anywhere –
"Not Going Anywhere"
By Keren Ann

May 2nd, 2006

1:00 P.M.

"She hit the ground pretty hard."

"Are you thinking amnesia?"

"Temporarily; maybe. We won't know that until she wakes up."

"We won't know anything until she wakes up."

"But she does have an ulcer."

"Yeah. And the alcohol certainly didn't help. I knew she drank last night."

"Richard…how do we help her?"

"I don't know Derek."

Derek sighed. "Addison is going to freak out."

"I'm surprised you're not."

Derek laughed. "One of us has to stay calm. And it's not going to be Addie."

"This is true." Richard turned to the bed Ellie was lying in only to see her slowly opening her eyes. "She's waking up." Derek spun around and sat down next to the bed as Ellie tried to sit up.

"Don't move, Ellie. Just relax, okay?" Ellie nodded, looking at him strange. "Do you know where you are?"

Ellie stared at him and then squinted, as if trying to tell who she was looking at. "Derek?"

"You remember me?" Ellie nodded slowly, glancing around the room. "What's the last thing you remember?" Ellie stared at him and gagged. Derek reached for the bucket he himself had supplied for when she woke up, and Ellie vomited in to it. Twice. "Ellie?"

Ellie groaned and leaned back in to the pillow, wiping her mouth with the towel Richard had handed her. "I don't know."

"Close your eyes." Ellie obeyed, taking a deep breath. "What's the last thing you see?" Ellie took slow deep breaths, and almost immediately Derek knew.

"Addison cheated on you?" She asked, opening her eyes. "With Mark?" Richard cringed and left the room in an attempt to warn Addison. This was going to be very bad.

Richard walked cautiously in to his office where Meredith, George and Addison were sitting. He didn't want to walk in because he knew that all three of them were going to jump him for information about Ellie. And he didn't want to tell Addison. Even though he knew that he had to.

"Chief!" George stood first, a look of relief on his face. He'd been gripping Addison's hand, which had obviously made Meredith rather uncomfortable, but George had been doing it regardless. "Is she okay?"

Richard took a deep breath. "She's got a pretty bad ulcer, which doesn't really surprise me considering recent events. She just woke up, but she's got temporary amnesia." Addison looked up, panic on her face. "Derek is pretty sure it's temporary."

"What's the last thing she remembers?" Addison asked her voice panicky.

Richard looked down. "Uh…"

"Oh god." Addison looked down, taking a deep breath. George sat down next to her and placed one hand on her back.

Meredith stood. "Can I go see her?"

Richard nodded. "Sure." Meredith left the room slowly, and turned around glancing at Addison briefly before leaving. Richard was sure he saw sympathy in her eyes. "Addie…?"

"I should be more concerned about her being alive, but my biggest worry right now is how far we've gotten in the last months…and it's all gone."

"You don't know that, Addison." Richard said. George was silent, and had leaned back against the couch. "Derek thinks that it'll only be temporary."

"What Derek thinks and what is actually true are sometimes very different things." Addison said, sighing. George had closed his eyes and was taking slow breaths.

"O'Malley?" Richard asked, leaning forward.

George opened his eyes and turned to Addison. "Who do you think you are?" He snapped. Addison turned to him, a scared look in her eyes. "So what if the last thing she remembers is the affair? You guys were still having problems anyway. At least she'll still remember you." He said, standing.

"George…"

"No." Addison looked taken aback, but didn't speak again. "You've still got her. I've completely lost her." George was taking slow breaths, but there were tears in his eyes. "She's not going to remember me at all."

"She's going to hate me."

"At least she'll feel something for you!" George snapped. He left the room in a huff, slamming the door shut and he went in to the hall. Addison looked up at Richard and leaned in to the couch.

"I need to go talk to Meredith…she's her family, so I need to talk to her about the surgery…"

"Perform the surgery."

"That's not your choice."

"Ellie would want it done."

Richard sighed. "Addie…I know you're her 'family', but Meredith has to sign the papers."

Addison sighed. "Fine. Will you let me know when…if she wants to see me?"

Richard nodded. "Absolutely." Richard left the room, leaving Addison alone to contemplate how exactly she was going to handle this.

"Why did you let her drink?"

"Why didn't you tell me she was an alcoholic?" Meredith snapped back. "I'm not psychic."

"I thought she had told you."

"Because my sister tells me everything." Meredith said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Meredith, I do not need your attitude right now. I need an answer."

"Excuse me? I already told you, I had no idea that she was an alcoholic. And if I had, I sure as hell wouldn't have been stupid enough to give her alcohol."

"How much did she drink?"

"Uh…at least 2 manhattans and I believe we were doing shots for a moment there... everything is a little hazy."

"Well thanks in part to your little adventure last night…she now has an ulcer and amnesia."

"How soon can you operate?"

"I don't know…Richard will be around with consent forms shortly."

"Ok…" Derek nodded and turned to leave. "Derek…"

"Yes, Meredith?"

"She's alright, isn't she?"

Derek sighed. "No, Meredith…she's not alright."

George walked in to Ellie's hospital room cautiously, unsure of what to expect. He knew she wouldn't remember, but he wasn't sure he was going to be able to control himself. He wanted to take her in his arms, but he couldn't.

"Hi." Ellie said, smiling. He loved her smile.

"Hi. I'm George…I work here."

Ellie nodded. "Okay…are you one of the lucky ones that gets to scrub in on my surgery."

George shook his head. "Probably not."

Ellie raised her eyebrows. "Why not?"

George shrugged. "It's a long story."

"Look, George…Derek has already told me that I'm almost a year behind. If there's something going on…I want to know."

George nodded. "Okay. Where do you want me to start?"

Ellie shrugged. "How do I know you?"

"Uh, we met when you took over for my resident. She was on bed rest, and then maternity leave, and I was one of your five interns." Ellie smiled. "Uh…you were staying with Meredith, and…"

"Meredith? As in my sister, Meredith?"

George nodded. "Didn't Derek tell you that?"

Ellie shook her head. "No. That one he failed to mention."

"Oh. Well…she's an intern here too." Ellie nodded. "So you were staying with her, and then she kicked you out…"

"Why?" George panicked. "Look, I know the whole amnesia thing sucks, but I'd like to know details…"

"You two kept getting in to fights about Addison."

Ellie cringed. "Was Meredith defending her?"

George shook his head. "No. You were."

Addison stood outside the room, pacing. George was inside talking to Ellie, Meredith had just signed the consent forms to let Richard perform the surgery, and Addison wanted to go in and talk to Ellie. But she wasn't sure if Ellie would even want to talk to her. Addison was about to walk away when George came out of the room, a smile on his face.

"Hi." He said, grinning. "I'm sorry for earlier. I freaked out a little…"

Addison shrugged. "It's okay. You're entitled." Addison swallowed hard. "How is she?"

"She's okay mentally. I mean…as okay as she can be." Addison nodded. "She wants to talk to you."

Addison looked shocked. "Really?"

George nodded. "She asked me to find you."

Addison breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God." Addison looked down at her feet. "I didn't think she's want to…"

"She just wants to talk to you briefly. Derek told her that she has an ulcer, and since the last thing she can remember is the affair…she doesn't want to overstress herself."

Addison nodded. "Okay." She briefly smiled at George and then went in to the room. "Hi."

Ellie managed a weak smile. "Hi."

"I'm sorry. I…"

"Add, don't. George said you and I were in a good place, and even though it's hard for me totally believe him…"

"Why?"

"Because I don't know him, Addie. Look, the point is, I'd rather kind of believe him and be able to talk to my best friend than not believe him and get in an argument with you."

"Okay." Addison sat down next to the bed. "George said that…"

"I'm scared." Ellie blurted out. "Whatever happened in the last year has caused me to have an ulcer, and my fall this morning was so bad it gave me amnesia…I'm scared, I needed my best friend." Addison smiled and sat down next to Ellie on the bed, pulling her softly in to a hug. "Am I going to be okay?"

"Richard is a very good surgeon, Ellie. You know that, you've met him…"

"That wasn't my question. Am I going to be okay?"

Addison sighed. "I don't know, honey. I hope so."

3:00 P.M.

Derek paced in the scrub room. "How come I can't be in there?"

"You're her best friend, Derek. It's not at all ethical."

"Ethical-schmethical. I want to be in there."

Richard shook his head. "No."

Derek tied the mask around Richards face and sighed. "I don't need to scrub in…can't I just stand there?"

"No. You'll freak out and try to jump in. Neither you nor Addison are allowed in the OR."

"Why not?" Addison asked, walking in to the room. "Can't I just stand there?"

"No." Richard backed in to the OR. "Observation room, both of you." Addison and Derek headed up the stairs to the observation deck, Addison taking slow breaths and Derek clutching her hand. He wanted to tell Addison that it was going to be okay, but he couldn't. Because he didn't know.

Entering the observation deck, Addison and Derek noticed George sitting by himself in the corner, wringing his hands. They joined him in silence, Addison giving his knee a reassuring squeeze. The three of them sat in silence throughout the whole procedure. The procedure became twice as long as needed when Richard found yet a third spot where the ulcer was bleeding out, but the three of them sat in the corner the whole surgery, Addison and Derek gripping each other, Addison giving George a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder or knee every few minutes. There positions only changed when Richard had to shock Ellie, and at that point George stood and made his way to the window, standing so that he was looking down at her directly. Meredith, who had been sitting in the first row, joined him, putting her arm around him, and rubbing slow circles on his back.

"I can't lose her." George whispered as Richard charged to three hundred and pressed the paddles to Ellie's chest a third time. "She's my everything." The sharp beeping of the heart monitor caused both Meredith and George to jump and George let out a sigh of relief, slamming his head against the window and getting a jump out of both Richard and Bailey. George backed away from the window and sank in to the nearest empty chair. Addison let go of her incredibly tight grip on Dereks hand as Richard announced that they were almost finished. Maybe she really was going to be okay.

6:00 P.M.

Addison sat down across from the bed, Derek on one side of her, George next to the bed. Richard had said that with rest and less stress, Ellie was going to be just fine.

Now all they had to do was wait for her to wake up.

You like? You hate? Let me know! – Mel.