I apologize for not posting on Sunday. I was at a workshop this weekend for ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training). It was an intense two days, but I feel much more prepared to take care of the people in my life should they ever need it.

Even if you have never had suicidal thoughts, chances are you know someone who has. I encourage anyone interested to look into ASIST workshops near them.

If you are the one going through a hard time right now, you can call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). That is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and its for anyone who wants a nonjudgmental ear to hear them out. The number isn't just for those having thoughts of suicide; it is intended for anyone who feels they are in a mental, emotional, or spiritual crisis. There are people who care and want to listen.

Chapter 34: The Conversation

Scratching another item off her to-do list, Buffy sat back and took another bite of apple crumb pie.

"Refill?"

Hearing Clyde's deep voice, she smiled, "Always."

"I heard Gemma's come back."

"For now."

"It's good she's with family."

Thankful for the reminder, Buffy added "grocery run" to the list. For optimal health, Gemma was supposed to avoid gluten. In her absence, they had run out of her favorite gluten-free products as well as staples like soy and rice.

Sensing someone watching her, Buffy put on a smile which faded when she looked up. She stammered, "You're - this is - you don't even like pie."

Clyde returned, "Can I get your friend something?"

Angel took off his jacket and slid in the seat across from her. "Just coffee please."

Buffy let out a breath, "Sorry, hi. It's good to see you."

He raised his brows cynically. "Really?"

She braved on. "I wanted to thank you for going to them. I know it will be bad later but . . . thank you."

"When you first saw me, why were you surprised?"

"You're not someone I expect to see at the local eats."

"I mean the first time you recognized me here, in L.A.. You ran; why?" Buffy frowned and broke eye contact as if she was trying to remember. "Questions don't go away just because you don't answer them."

Clyde delivered the coffee. "You alright Anne?"

She nodded, "Just work stuff."

As soon as Clyde walked out of hearing range, she murmured, "Can we talk about this someplace else?"

"You lead." 'I'll follow' was implied.

Without another word, Buffy stood up. They both left a few dollars on the table and left. As she walked the sidewalk, she kept hoping her phone would ring. Please someone have an emergency.

But alas, her purse remained silent.

She didn't have a destination in mind when she started out, but her feet eventually walked to a place where privacy was guaranteed.

She paused outside the building and questioned her foot's decision.

He understood her reluctance. "We can go somewhere else."

She looked at the keys in her hand. "We really can't." With Angel beside her, she walked through the lobby, up the stairs, and through the threshold of her apartment.

Hoping to delay a bit longer, she turned on the lights and then turned on the kettle. With the water heating and mugs already out, she was all out of excuses but that didn't stop her from looking for one.

Meanwhile, Angel leaned against the window looking distracted. Knowing him, it was his way of giving her space. She liked that he gave her space. Unfortunately, she'd always want more.

With a sigh, she finally faced the situation and mirrored his posture. She leaned against the windowed wall and calmly asked, "What's this about?"

He kept his eyes on the window. "I saw genuine shock in your eyes that night - even fear."

"Sounds right."

"You already knew I was back and that I was on your side, so what were you afraid of?"

"Catch me up here. What are we talking about?"

"It wasn't just the dreams. Buffy, you saw me in Sunnydale." His words startled her. "You saw me alive and fighting beside your friends to keep them safe." He softened. "I did that for you. You can't tell me you don't get that."

"How did you . . ."

"Faith was so green that year - not even luck accounts for her survival. Then there's the whole thing with the mayor. The only mystery left is how I didn't sense you."

"Angel." Her tone begged for him to stop talking; his eyes begged her to start.

"You act like you've moved on, but you're still Sunnydale's slayer."

Looking at him, she haltingly relented. "That first year, I did go back a few times. The visits were pretty short."

The kettle whistled. She lingered a second before moving to the kitchen. After a moment, he followed.

He watched her take out the tea bags and methodically prepare the drinks. "That's why you don't ask how they're doing - you already know."

She looked incredulous. "You make it sound as if I was spying on you guys."

"Weren't you?"

She answered his softly spoken accusation question with a heartfelt, "No." She brought the mugs to the table.

The time it took to sit down gave her a chance to collect her thoughts. "I heard the slayer after Kendra was being tracked by a master vampire. After my own experience with one, I felt obligated to help. It was supposed to be a onetime deal, but then demons started talking about the Hellmouth reopening, so I went back."

"We tried to prevent it."

"While you guys fought in the library, I was in the basement blowtorching its heart." Their eyes met and locked. "I couldn't see you, but I heard you yelling. It didn't make sense, but I knew it was you."

"Didn't you want to know how I was back?"

"And why and when, but I didn't deserve those answers. I couldn't try to be a part of people's lives and still not allow you to be a part of mine."

He looked through the liquid to the bottom of the mug. "You must have hated the dreams as much as I did."

"Yeah . . . but I couldn't not help. "

He looked up and glimpsed a truth. "On the hill, that wasn't a hallucination."

"I was relieved you thought I was." She smiled faintly. "One of my least thought out plans."

"You walked through town with me."

One of her hands inched towards his. "Nothing else mattered."

He felt their fingers barely touch and savored the contact. "You still haven't answered my question." He was grateful when she didn't pull back. "If you knew I was alive and ensouled why did you run when you saw me in L.A.? You wouldn't even look at me."

"I didn't know how much had changed since Sunnydale."

"Like what?"

"When I think of you, I think of our last real moment together. Your soul was back but the spell had you a little fuzzy."

"I remember."

"That's the face I carry with me, and when I walked up that hill, by some miracle, that's the guy I found."

Everything in him stilled as he surmised, "But you didn't find him here."

"I see someone more confident, more careful - Someone different."'

"Who were you afraid to find?"

"Someone I didn't know anymore who didn't know me either."

He nodded. "A lot has changed since Sunnydale. I don't have the same amount of trust and respect for you that I had then."

She closed her eyes and lowered her head in understanding as he kept going. "I was your first love and you sent me to hell. I don't think I will ever have the same trust in someone that I have for you right now." Her eyes popped open. "No matter how hard the right choices are, I know you will make them. Which is how I know that someday, you'll go back."

She shook her head automatically, but he continued on, "The new responsibilities you've taken on haven't replaced your other ones just like Sunny and Lilly can't replace Xander and Willow" Her eyes narrowed. "Just as Lindsey couldn't replace me. "

"Don't talk about Lindsey like you know him." She practically snarled. "You don't. All the two of you have in common is hair color."

"You loved us both in spite of our dark pasts."

"A hundred years of slaughter is not equivalent to five years of sleazy law practice."

"Exactly. This isn't your life Buffy. You want it to be and sometimes you think it is, but your life is in Sunnydale with your friends and your watcher and-"

"You?"

"And your mom." That one word deflated her anger. "You know this already; it's why you keep going back." Her silence proved she was listening. "If nothing else, you knew you had a duty to protect them . . . You still do."

"I can't." He voice was barely audible. "I never could."

"What are you talking about?"

"The hellmouth needs an active slayer. If I'm it, I'll attract the worst kinds of evil."

"So that you can destroy them."

"You know better than anyone that darkness can't be destroyed. We fight until it devours us whole."

"This isn't you talking."

"This is the woman who saw everyone she cared about hurt or killed in a single night because of one decision."

"It wasn't your fault."

"My actions set things in motion. By accepting the role of slayer means, I accepted a death sentence for everyone connected to me. That's a fact not even your Powers can change."

"And you think abandoning them made them safer?"

"When was the last time you saw Willow with teeth at her neck, or Giles' concussed, or Xander turned into something or broken?" Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. "Tell me the last time mom was approached by a monster." Looking away, she took an unsteady breath.

He covered her hand with his. "You haven't said those names in a while."

She shook her head.

"You love your family . . . but if this were about them, you wouldn't have made a new one." She frowned but continued to listen. "Seeing everything normal about your life disappear was frightening so you decided to try again. But the life you've built here, the friends and the nonprofit work, can't compete with your very real responsibilities. Pretending they can is putting your lifestyle above others' survival."

He expected her to respond defensively; when she spoke she just sounded tired.

"When you were human, did you do better?" She asked sincerely, "Did you ever sacrifice yourself or others for a greater good?"

He wished he could say yes and advise accordingly, but he'd be lying. With shame he admitted, "You are stronger than I ever was or would have been as a human."

Without judgment, she nodded. He was no worse than anyone else who asked her to do what they couldn't. Even if it was disappointing, his answer matched her expectation.

She sipped her cooling tea. "I get why Faith wanted to talk to me. From experience, I can tell her what no one else will - not even a centuries old vampire."

"What's that?"

"That she has a choice." She put the mug down "Not just between good and bad but between deciding what her life will be or letting others decide for her." Absently, she placed a hand on her belly. "I wanted my friends and family protected from evil rather than fighting it by my side. I haven't repeated the mistakes I made in Sunnydale. Lilly has never gone on patrol with me. Most of them don't even know what I can do."

"And you think that's the answer."

"It has to be." Her tone was resigned. "I can't go back to having everything stripped away."

"You'll always be a slayer."

"And I'm human."

"You're a human with a destiny. You can't quit that."

"My destiny is in Sunnydale, and I'm not, so I guess I escaped it."

He didn't have anything to say to that, so he didn't say anything.

She placed her other hand over his. "I'm sorry for putting off this conversation for so long. You deserved answers. I promise: from now on, no more avoiding." She squeezed his hand." I remember us, but I want to build something new with you, something good and strong and honest."

"Even though I remind you of your past?"

"I still want to forget that life. As my friend, can you support that?"

He looked into her eyes and thought about what she was asking of him, "I don't know if I can . . . I don't know if I want to."

She nodded; after all, she could relate. "Exes being friends is a lot to ask under the best of circumstances."

He pulled his hand from between hers. He started to stand. "I should go."

She watched him walk away and heard the door close behind him. Exhausted and resigned, she slumped down in her seat. "I should let you."