FOUR MONTHS LATER
"I just can't see it."
"Are you looking?" asked Rollins, surprising her fellow detectives with her increasingly emboldened stance within their dynamic. She was not the rookie anymore, and she was not willing to be treated accordingly by any of them. Especially an increasingly obstinate and disagreeable Detective Benson.
"Excuse me?" asked a battle weary Olivia, twisting her face to a disgruntled frown at her younger co-worker. "What was that?"
"I just think you've got your blinders on..." shrugged Rollins, sinking a little deeper into her office chair and refusing to be intimidated by Olivia's dominant role within the group, "... that's all."
"Okay, okay ladies let's just all chill out..." appeased Fin, calmly placing himself between the prickling women and holding his hands in the air in a bid for an early ceasefire, "... we're all on the same side here remember. We all wanna catch this rat bastard."
"I just..."
"You just need to pull your neck in a little Rollins..." replied Detective Tutuola quickly, all for confidence but having no patience for cat calling, "... and as for you, Benson? You've been a pain in the ass all week so how's about instead of just sitting there popping pills and grizzling you just give in and go home to bed."
"I'm fine."
"Like hell you are." Offered Munch, knowing eyes drifting back into the conversation and settling on a green faced Olivia. "You're sick a as a dog."
"I just need some air. I'll be right back."
"Fin go after her..." instructed Cragen, having been stood at the coffee station observation deck watching the scene play out, "... and manhandle her into a cab uptown if you have to."
"I ain't so sure I wanna..." frowning hesitantly Fin knew better than to attempt to force his friend into doing anything she wasn't overly keen on, "... I mean she can get scrappy when she's..."
"Make her go home and make her stay there. Call Stabler and have him play hardball with her if you have to but I don't want to see her sorry ass in my squad room again until she's fit for work..." rolling his eyes with a fond weariness Cragen added, "... are we clear, detective? I can make it an order if I have to."
"No, no it's all good. I'm on it, Cap."
"As for the rest of you, let's wrap this up for tonight. It's late and we're all fried. We're not gonna gain any traction until we've get word back from ballistics and until Cabot secures us that warrant we can't go anywhere near this guy's office..." taking a sip of coffee Cragen instructed, "... so all of you - go home."
"Can I get a word first captain?" asked Rollins casually, her light eyes searching for his.
"No, no not tonight Rollins. We're calling it quits on today."
"Please, it's real important?" she persisted, as Munch failed to bat an eyelid at the exchange.
"Fine, fine come on through..." surrendered Cragen, gesturing her toward his office, "... but make it brief."
"How are you?" was about as succinct as Amanda Rollins could manage once the captain's office door was closed.
"Is that what was so important?" he scoffed dismissively. "You're keeping me from my bed to enquire after my health again, Rollins?"
"No one else is gonna." She replied, perhaps a little too frankly for that time of night.
"You know I hate this."
"I do..." nodded Rollins steadily, sliding her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans and pushing past the discomfort, "... and you know I don't give a damn."
"I start chemo next Thursday."
"When?"
"Next Thursday."
"Yeah, no, I'm gonna need an actual time..." retrieving her cell phone from her pocket and scrolling for her planner Rollins added, "... and location."
"You're not coming with me."
"I know that there are a heap tonne of other people you'd rather have watching your six right now..." she sighed tolerantly, "... but I'm all you got so suck it up and quit belly aching."
"I'm not sure that you get to talk to me in that tone, detective." Redefining the boundaries of their relationship Cragen retained his command and dignity with a grateful grace. "You know exactly how much I appreciate what you're doing here but there is a line. There is a limit. I can only tolerate this to a certain point before..."
"Then you gotta tell them, captain. You gotta tell Fin and Munch. You gotta tell Stabler and..." seeing his heart breaking in his eyes as she spoke his reality Rollins added softly, "... and you gotta tell Benson."
"I know..." he nodded, slowly, steadily, with a measured smile of acceptance, "... I know, and I will."
"You gotta trust that she can handle this. You gotta trust that she's tough enough to have your back for once. I know you want her in the room on this captain..." pushing the boundary once more Rollins ventured boldly, "... and she deserves to be. She deserves to know. They all do."
"Hey..." called Olivia with a seesaw tone as she staggered through the door of her apartment with a brown bag of groceries in one hand and her cell phone and wallet clutched in the other, "... El? Evie? I'm home." When she got no response after several moments she added with a note of frustration, "A little help out here would be great if you guys aren't to..."
"Check us out!" grinned Elliot, emerging from the bathroom with his entire face painted in orange and black stripes. As Olivia's eyes widened they moved from his face to Eve's, who was resplendent in a grey elephant costume. A chubby, pink cheeked grin revealed two lone bottom teeth as Eve reached up a hand to admire the long grey trunk protruding from the hood on her forehead. "Don't we look awesome?" asked Elliot, rearranging the droopy pink and grey ears falling about Eve's shoulders.
"You're a tiger and an elephant..." noted Olivia, her bad mood slowly evaporating as she flashed an amused smile, "... and you're both insane!"
"Grrrr!" replied Elliot, bouncing Eve jovially on his chest and crossing the room to kiss Olivia in greeting.
"Hey, hey you'll get that stuff on me!" she protested, as the orange and white around his lips transferred onto her.
"Stand still..." demanded Elliot, the only thing having been missing from his day now returned, "... I said stand still grouchy."
"What?" she demanded, but when she settled momentarily he simply took the opportunity to lean in for a longer, lingering kiss that made her forget quite entirely about the tiger print he might leave on her.
"So can I take it that you two had fun with Eli at the zoo?"
"Man you should've seen him, Liv. His little face! He knew all the different animals and these crazy facts about where they came from and what they ate in the wild. He's gotten so smart this past few months and I didn't even notice till..." sighing with a shade of sadness creeping in Elliot shrugged, "... well it was just really great to spend some quality time with him is all."
"I bet it was." She smiled warmly, knowing just how important it was to him that Kathy was being so biddable with regards access to the kids.
"I saw this suit in the gift shop and just had to get it for her..." smoothing out the pink belly of Eve's costume over her rounded little tummy Elliot beamed, "... isn't it just the cutest thing?"
"You lose your shit around that kid, Detective Stabler." Replied Olivia with a loving but weary laugh as she rolled her eyes at Elliot's childish side. "But she's adorable..." was an easy admission from Olivia as she leant over to kiss the end of Eve's button nose adoringly, "... did you two eat already? Was there a feeding time at the zoo?"
"Very funny..." he groaned, setting Eve down on the counter and playing with her hands as they talked, "... but no, no there wasn't. I could make pasta? I think there might be salad from yesterday?"
"I'm not hungry..." for the first time he noticed how pale she looked, and when he thought about it how not herself she was, "... you guys have something. I'm gonna take a bath."
"You okay?"
"Just tired..." she shrugged, "... oh but before I forget we're not gonna get away with not going the whole nine yards for her birthday next week. Fin is planning a whole thing."
"Go on..." chuckled Elliot, "... kill me with it."
"I have no clue. It's a surprise apparently. All we have to do is get everyone together and he'll do the rest."
"He wants us to host a party in our shoebox?" asked Elliot with a cynical twist of his lips. "Is he serious?"
"You didn't see his face when I suggested we all just go out for ice cream instead."
"You know Mouse would probably rather just do that..." he laughed, stroking a hair from Eve's eyes, "... but then again you do only turn one once. So maybe we'll humour Uncle Fin for now."
"Can you believe she's almost a year old?" marvelled Olivia with an exhausted, yet awestruck sigh as she came over to them for cuddles.
"We've come a long way in that year." Noted Elliot, poignantly.
"Yeah and there were moments where I wasn't so sure she'd make it to her birthday..." nuzzling Eve's cheek with her nose Olivia breathed, "... but you're a little ass kicker, aren't you baby girl?"
"Get at an early night, Liv..." stroking her face and realising just how tired she had been since returning to walk Elliot added softly, "... I'll try not to wake you when I come to bed."
"It's okay..." she smiled with tired, loving eyes, "... I don't mind."
"Yeah?" he asked curiously.
"Yeah..." shaking her head slowly she pressed her lips lightly against his and kissed him gently, "... yeah I like knowing you're there."
"Four months, one week and six days ago I did something I'm not proud of. It was the darkest and the lightest moment of my entire life. It was selfish, it was desperate, it was a cry for help. It was me finally admitting that I've lost my way. I thought I had gained clarity but I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. Four months, one week and six days ago I realised what I came here today to say..." rising from the plastic chair he had been sat on an unshaven, dark eyed figure confessed, "... my name is Nick Amaro and I'm an addict."
"Hi Nick." Chorused the assembled group, all looking with eyes of empathy and compassion.
"Hang on!"
"Take your time..." not hearing the voice on the other side of her door as she staggered down the hallway in sweat pants and a old tank top splattered with magnolia emulsion Amanda Rollins fumbled with slippy hands at the lock, "... if it's a bad time I can..."
"Amaro?" with a sharp intake of breath she dragged wisps of blonde hair back from her eyes with a paint covered hand, smearing thick cream across her nose and forehead.
"Hi."
"I was just..." she stumbled, brow furrowed and feeling everything she was feeling with a painful acuteness, "... painting."
"I can see that..." came the lazy, tired but charming smile from her former co-worker as he reached out and wiped the paint from her nose, "... and getting more on you than the wall evidently."
"It's been months Amaro." She managed finally, with a small voice but furious concern and confusion.
"I know."
"You just went MIA!" came the almost yelp from her as she attempted to mute her disbelief in light of his potentially still delicate state of mind.
"It all just got a little..." pausing for a beat he met her eyes and finished, "... much."
"I thought you were freakin' dead! I thought you had gone and died on me Nick!" she cried, unable to hold back as memories of that day came flooding back and besieged her.
"I'm sorry."
"I..."
"That's what I came here to say. That I'm sorry for what I put you through Rollins. It was a lot, it was too much, it was..."
"You clean?" interjecting because anything other than the answer to that question suddenly was of supreme irrelevance to her.
"Four months, one week and six days."
"Well okay then."
"Okay then." He nodded awkwardly, suddenly a little unsure as to quite what was happening or what might happen next.
"You want coffee?" answered his question with the one he realised he had been hoping she might ask.
"I thought you'd gotten past this."
"I have." Replied Olivia through the midnight gloaming, as Elliot appeared in the doorway of Eve's tiny bedroom.
"I understood you coming in here to sleep when we first brought her home from the hospital but it's been months now. She's stronger than ever..." padding barefoot across the room Elliot knelt beside the rocker Olivia had been sat in for hours, "... and you're gonna burn out if you're not careful."
"I'm fine."
"God if you say that to me one more time I swear..."
"El don't bug me..." she implored of him, turning her head and reaching down to stroke at his face lightly with her fingertips, "... okay?"
"You're not right, Liv..." he spoke softly, so as not to wake Eve, "... and I'm worried about you."
"I don't come in here because I'm scared the way I used to be." She said after a short while of comfortable silence. "I just..." shrugging with a hopelessly adoration of the child sleeping on front of them Olivia smiled in wonderment, "... she's just incredible. She's my little miracle."
"Yeah, yeah she is."
"I'm not just being cute, El. From the outside looking in I was just a dyed in the wool cop who fell pregnant accidentally but the truth is I waited forever for her. I wanted to be a mother so badly but the older I got the more impossible it seemed. The chances of women my age falling pregnant are slim enough but..."
"Where is this all coming from, babe?" he asked, sitting back on his ankles and reaching for her hand.
"You're in the middle of a messy divorce, three of your kids still aren't really speaking to you and these walls are practically buckling under the pressure of all the crap we've crammed into my single girl apartment."
"It's just gonna take time is all, we'll figure it out eventually..." knowing her all too well Elliot pressed, "... but what's really bothering you?"
"Time, time is what's bothering me. It's like forty years of my life were at a regular, normal persons pace and then all of a sudden things started happening at warp speed. One minute I'm a single, middle aged SVU detective cooking meals for one and watching re-runs of Ellen each night and the next..." shaking her head, the notion making her quite breathless Olivia whispered, "... and the next I have everything that I spent an entire lifetime wanting."
"You kinda make it sound like a bad thing!" he laughed softly.
"It's just overwhelming is what it is."
"It's lucky..." he corrected, holding her hand fast, "... is what it is."
"I never in a million years thought I'd get as lucky as I have which is why..."
"Liv? Seriously? Seriously..." he exhaled desperately, "... what the hell is going on with you?"
"I'm not some naive teenager, I'm in my mid forties for crying out loud. I'm stressed as hell, I eat all the wrong things and I've barely slept in months with everything that's been going on so it's practically impossible that I..."
"Olivia?" asked Elliot, sensing they were no longer on the same page and that what lay on hers was much more than a rush of insecurities.
"Only it's not impossible El it's happening. It's happening to me. It's happening to us..." she clarified, sliding a hand to her stomach and swallowing hard in anticipation of the slightest face flicker of reaction from him, "... again."
"Are you saying what I think you are?" he asked, his breath baited as his eyes stared at her wide and disbelieving.
"Hell if you aren't the most fertile man on the damn planet Elliot Stabler."
"I should probably be freaking out right about now."
"Yeah."
"I should probably be scared out of my mind about how the hell we're gonna figure this one out."
"Yeah."
"But then I look at you and..." he choked, sinking his lips onto hers and kissing her hungrily, his arms coiling around her waist and hugging her in close, "... come here."
"Elliot!" came the gasping exclaim as Olivia threw her head back breathless and entreated, "Not in front of the baby!"
"Babies..." he murmured, lowering his hands to her stomach and holding his palms flush against her shirt as he met her gaze with eyes of heart stopping intensity.
"El..."
"I know..." he swallowed, closing his eyes with the enormity of it all and still at her feet lowered his head onto her lap and sighed, murmuring, "... I know, Liv. I know."