I wanted to post the link to megglesnake's awesome fic: Royal Consequences here at fanfic. This fic is truly an awesome journey into the world of fiction and if you haven't read it, please do so! It is the sequel to her first fic: "A Consequence for Every Action". If you have the time please read it too! You will NOT be disappointed, I guarantee it! :D
ht tp : / / www .fanfiction .net/s/6283092/1/Royal_Consequences
I would also like to thank all my wonderful reviewers again for your awesome feedback: LadyCallia, Saga Svanhildr, auradorina, Jinx1983, fifespice, KCousland, Zeeji, xXxNikxXx and Raven Jadewolfe (still giggling here)! I really love reading your reviews! Thanks so much! :D
This chapter is emotional, have tissues ready just in case. It was difficult to write and I hope I managed to convey the pain and sorrow the two main characters are going through.
Bioware owns! :D
Chapter 38 - Respite, not
They gradually fell into a schedule at the palace, managing not to leave Jinx alone at any given moment of time during the day, fearing that the memories would send her into deep depression again. Jinx was by Fergus's side most of the time, with Wynne, nursing him back to health, but both Leliana or Zevran, one or both always managed to be with her the rest of the day.
Zevran approached Leliana one day after they had been staying at the palace for a couple of weeks. He smiled at the bard, and she smiled back, waiting for him to say whatever was on his mind.
"Ah, you look as beautiful as you did yesterday, my dear," Zevran inclined his head slightly, and Leliana smiled back, used to Zevran's flirtatious attitude.
"You shouldn't let Marcus hear you say that, Zev," she dimpled.
"Ah, it is but the truth. You know that between you and me it would only be lust, no?" He raised his eyebrows playfully at her, and she giggled. Zevran's voice lowered to a whisper. "I have something to talk to you about. Walk with me."
She did as she was told and he led her into one of the palace's many courtyards and gardens. They sat on one of the stone benches, overlooking a rose garden and Zevran began to tell her what he had been thinking about doing.
"I want to start searching for Alistair. Jinx is going to have her bambino, and I, for one, would like Alistair to be here, as he should be," Zevran began, stopping to let Leliana have her say.
"I totally agree with you, Zev. I know he must be feeling terrible. And you know what Alistair is like, if he is feeling really guilty, he won't make a move until someone urges him to. I think it's time we started to ask around. I have the idea he might have set sail for somewhere. So a good place to start would be the Denerim docks, no?"
"He will be urged," Zevran's face briefly darkened and a flash of anger passed through his eyes, before he continued to speak. "But, yes. I agree. I was actually thinking about the docks myself. I do not wish to leave Jinx alone for great periods of time, so I suggest we head that way now, since she is by Fergus's side, with Wynne and will remain there for the next two hours."
"Yes, let's do that," Leliana agreed and they both stood up from the bench. Before they left, however, Leliana shot an arm out and caught the former assassin's elbow, making him turn around, a questioning look in his eyes. "Don't be so hard on Alistair if we do find him, Zev. I am angry at him too, but understand he was angry at what happened to Duncan. According to Marcus, Duncan was like a father to him. He just acted on an impulse because of his anger and hatred towards the man that took that away from him."
"Hurting our beloved friend in the process? I've heard Marcus telling me this also. I cannot promise I will not be angry, Leliana. I have seen how she pines away for him, even though she is fighting to keep a calm exterior because of the bambino. The way she is suffering on the inside hurts us all. We should get going, yes?"
They made their way to the docks, where they focused on the people working unloading ships. Leliana was especially good at getting information from people and Zevran was good at picking up the ones most likely to talk. They worked their way through two ships in two hours, both of them ships that took regular trips to Kirkwall in the Free Marshes. Nobody had seen anyone that even remotely looked like Alistair. Furthermore, the people working on the ships claimed they carried cargo, not people.
They headed back to the palace, vowing to return the next day, and were relieved to find out upon their arrival that Jinx had not emerged from Fergus's room yet. She would ask questions if she discovered that they had been out and about, and they didn't want to tell her anything, if they still didn't have any news to report.
A servant rushed up to them asking if they had seen Marcus, Jowan and Kallia anywhere. The queen wanted to speak to them. They shook their heads in unison and trudged to the library, Zevran deep in thought. If the queen wanted to see those three, it could only mean something related to the Grey Wardens, so he was most curious.
The library was empty and Zevran was bored. He then decided to go pay a visit to Fergus and at the same time check in on Jinx. Turning to the bard, he asked her if she would accompany him. Leliana nodded to his suggestion and they both made their way to Fergus's room.
...
"Ah, it is good that the three of you are finally here," Anora beamed at them from her desk. They bowed reverently and sat down when ordered to.
"You wished to speak to us, Your Highness?" Marcus asked quietly.
"I have decided to give the lands that once belonged to Rendon Howe to the Grey Wardens of Ferelden. Amaranthine is a port city and Vigil's Keep would be an excellent place for all the grey wardens to turn into a headquarters. I have already taken the liberty of sending a missive to the Grey Wardens in Orlais, since they are the nearest, and the only ones who were willing to help us during the Blight, as we all know."
"Thank you, Your Highness. That is most kind," Marcus inclined his head. He didn't like Anora for some strange reason, even though she was kind to all of them and had graciously taken them in. There was something about the woman that screamed 'false' to him, though he couldn't quite put his finger on it. Therefore, he was always respectful and wary whenever he talked to her.
"You are most welcome. I will have some refreshments sent to you and the rest of your friends in the main courtyard. It is an unusually sunny day today, given the change in the weather lately and I was hoping that Jinx and Fergus would join you. The sun will do them both some good."
Marcus stood up, sensing it was a cue for him to leave and both Jowan and Kallia did so as well.
"Thanks again, Your Majesty. I will let them know at once."
They bowed again and left the room.
Anora watched them leave then turned back to the papers on her desk. She had a frown on her pretty face, but her eyes were as cold as ever as they looked through the contents of each paper.
...
Three more weeks passed and autumn was now fully upon them. The weather was crispy cold and sharp at times, the trees and foliage turned red, orange and golden, and the colors blazed through the forests, making a breathtaking picture for anyone travelling that way. It had started to rain again with alarming frequency, and Zevran and Leliana's trips to the docks were unpleasant. Each day they returned empty-handed and drenched from head to toe, looking like they had taken a swim in the river instead.
"In Antiva, it hardly rains, and the weather is always warm and sunny. No wonder Ferelden smells like wet dog," Zevran teeth chattered as they both made their way to their rooms for hot baths and a change of clothes.
Marcus wanted to speak to them all at the palace library so they all had agreed to meet him earlier in the morning. Both Leliana and Zevran hurried with their baths and change of clothes as they did not want to be late.
They arrived to find the rest of their companions there, but no signs of Marcus, Jowan or Kallia. Jinx was frowning - she was itching to get back to Fergus, who seemed better these days.
Marcus quickly entered with Jowan and Kallia following him. He apologized and held what looked like a parchment in his hand.
"I've gathered you all here to speak about what has happened recently. As you know, the Queen graciously gave the lands of the former Arl of Amaranthine to the grey wardens, hoping we can rebuild the order there," he avoided saying Howe's name on purpose in front of Jinx, but her face darkened anyway, as she knew very well who he meant. "I have just received a missive from the wardens in Orlais, letting me know that they have sent out a group of Orlesian wardens to help us rebuild Virgil's Keep and have just returned from speaking to the queen. She has appointed a soldier with Champion abilities, a woman called Mhairi, to accompany us in our journey."
There was no word from either Zevran, Leliana or Jinx as they digested this information.
"We will be leaving in a week. The queen will graciously give us all the supplies we need." Marcus added sadly.
Jinx sighed and nodded. Marcus turned to her, his expression suddenly soft. "Jinx, I do want a word with you, if you can?"
"Yes, of course. I was going to go back to Fergus, but it's nearly time for our noon meal, so I will go back to my room to bathe and change first. You can walk me there," she said, smiling at the mage, who nodded to this.
As soon as they started walking, Marcus started up the conversation. Jinx was really amazed at how much he had matured in such a short time. He was in control of every situation and his remarks were now clever and full of insight, two things had not thought him capable of. She smiled to herself, pleased that she had been wrong about him.
"How are you feeling, my dear?" He said cheerfully, as he guided her through the corridors.
"I'm fine. It's amazing that I'm already two months into my pregnancy, and starting the third. I don't feel the baby kicking yet, but he's there," her hand rested for a moment on her belly. She was wearing a dress, of all things, and this was strange as she hated dresses. The truth of the matter was that she was having her black runic grey warden armor fitted for her hips had grown, as well as her waist line, and it did not fit comfortably any longer.
Marcus did not reply immediately, but waited until they finally stopped at the door which led to her rooms.
"You know what I meant, Jinx, though I am glad you and the baby are fine," his expression was soft and caring, and she faltered for a moment, then turned to the door and opened it, beckoning Marcus to enter.
Once inside, they sat on two stuffed chairs that were placed in front of a roaring fire. Jinx fixed her brilliant green eyes on Marcus.
"I can't lie to you. Living is unbearable without him. I need him like I need air to breathe. I am living for the sake of my child, and love him fiercely. Otherwise, I would have probably died already," she said quietly. The spark that usually lit her facial features was gone, and the brilliance in her eyes was due to unshed tears.
"I'm sorry, Jinx. I know I promised that I would find him, but with all this warden business, I'm afraid I -"
"It's fine really. I understand. I'm just sorry to see you have to go. Out of everyone here, you are the one that doesn't feel angry towards Alistair. I imagine it's because of what you two went through together at Ostagar. You understand the grief he went through when Duncan died. You were there. The rest weren't," Jinx's breathing hitched and her friend extended his hand and took hers.
"I do understand why he went ballistic that day. I betrayed him too. If only I hadn't agreed to what Riordan said, he would still be with us, and you both would be so happy! You will never know how much I regret -"
"Hush, Marcus," she said, using his real name. She no longer felt the urge to playfully call anyone nicknames. That part of her had died when Alistair had left. "Don't punish yourself, because that would make this wound cut deeper." She pointed to her chest with her free hand. "It's bad enough the way I feel. I could not bear to see you feeling so badly."
"I can't help it Jinx," he said sadly. "I just want you both to be happy. I'm sure that wherever he is, he is going through hell. He is probably beating himself up with guilt over having left you, and his shame is keeping him from returning. I know Alistair. He is a wonderful man. Good, kind, considerate. I'm sure if any of us found him and talked to him, he would come running back to you."
"I would kick his arse as soon as I saw him first," she said anger flashing briefly in her eyes and so reminiscent of the old Jinx, that Marcus grinned. She gave him a watery smile, although very brief, and could not stop the tears when they started. Marcus enfolded her in his arms and held her gently as he tried to comfort her.
Maker's breath, Alistair. Where the fuck are you?
...
Leliana and Zevran beamed happily as they returned from the docks. They had finally talked to a worker from one of the ships who remembered a guy exactly like Alistair boarding the ship he worked on. It was, in fact, a passenger ship that regularly sailed to Orlais and back to Ferelden again. They spoke to the captain, just to make sure, and the captain remembered him. He had commented on the runic armor he wore, and asked him if he was a warden, to which Alistair had mumbled something about finding it cheap and buying it and walking off below deck after that. He told them he had left after the ship arrived at Val Royeaux, disappearing into the city.
When they arrived at the palace, they were surprised to find Eamon there, leaving for his estate. He gave them a nod and left, a smile on his face, and they hoped Jinx had taken his visit kindly. They hurried off to Fergus's room and found an upset Jinx with both Fergus and Wynne trying to comfort her.
"That old sleazebag! He's after my baby, Fergus!" She yelled, her fists clenching and unclenching rapidly. She was dressed in an oversized tunic, one of Alistair's in fact, and a pair of loose breeches, and her hair, which was usually kept in a bun, was hanging loose around her shoulders. She huffed in a series of breaths, trying to calm herself for the sake of her child.
"Hush, Jinx, we won't let him get your baby," Wynne said in a soft voice beside her.
"Over my dead body, he will! I'll kill him first! Social call, my arse!" She cried. "I'm so glad that the repairs are done in Highever. We should be leaving soon, brother," she turned to Fergus, who nodded.
"I'm feeling strong enough to make the journey now. The sickness I caught in the Wilds was difficult to cure, but I'm on the road to recovery at last, after many long months. Thanks to you, Wynne," he nodded affectionately to the elder mage beside him who smiled back at him.
"It's settled then. We'll leave in two days, right after Marcus goes," Jinx said hurriedly. She turned her gaze on Leliana and Zevran who grinned back at her.
"What are you two up to? You look like the cat who swallowed the canary," she said unthinkingly, then remembered the conversation that Wynne and Alistair had had on the very same subject when they had been travelling to from Denerim to Orzammar. She winced visibly and Leliana immediately caught on and spoke.
"We have good news, Jinx. Very good news, in fact!" The redhead bard beamed.
"Oh? And what would it be, then?" Jinx asked, immediately fixing a curious gaze on them both.
"We have found out where Alistair was headed!" Leliana said happily, her voice an octave higher than normal.
Jinx's eyes widened. Her surprised look was quickly replaced by a happy one, the first one she had had in months. Giving a squeal, she flung herself into the bard's waiting arms, embracing Zevran with one arm, while holding Leliana tightly with the other.
Fergus sighed. Watching his sister's happiness had been the final confirmation he needed. He would have to eventually get used to the idea that Alistair was going to return one day and was his brother-in-law and the father of Jinx's child. Besides, he hadn't seen his sister this happy ever. He knew that it would probably take him a bit to fully trust the man, but he wanted his sister to be happy.
Wynne was looking happy herself, and chuckled. She had always held a soft spot in her heart for Alistair, and the thought that he could return also had her brimming with joy. But she was older than anyone else in the room and realized that even though they knew where he was, he would probably not show up anytime soon.
Zevran and Leliana fell into the details of their trip to the docks, and Jinx grinned as she listened to them.
For the first time, all those in the room smiled and laughed and chatted like old times. The air around them grew light. Even the weather had suddenly brightened, as the rain stopped suddenly and the sunlight broke through the window on their right. But not even the sunlight could compare to the light shining in Jinx's eyes at that moment.
...
Marcus and Jowan watched Kallia spar against a dummy in the armory, when a servant arrived bearing a missive for Marcus.
He recognized the Grey Warden seal and his breathing hitched briefly as he nervously reached for the letter. He thanked the servant and opened it. Kallia stopped her sparring and watched him, as Jowan did the same.
He read it quickly and sighed when he was done, his eyes settling on his two fellow wardens.
"It's from the First Warden in Weisshaupt," he said quietly. "He wants to know exactly why I'm alive after I dealt the final blow and what has become of the other warden who travelled with me during the Blight."
Jowan and Kallia both looked uncomfortable at this. Jowan shifted nervously on his feet.
"Well, looks like I have a letter to write. I'll see you both at dinner," Marcus remarked as he left them. They both nodded and turned to leave to their room themselves, their arms around each other.
"I'll order a bath for you, my love," Jowan whispered into her ear, while Kallia grinned mischievously.
"Only if you join me," she purred.
"I wouldn't have it any other way, love," Jowan replied and winked at her.
At that very same moment, at the corridor opposite the one they were walking on, Marcus finally reached his rooms and went inside. He sat down at his desk, frowning. He was not a good liar, it was true, and at the moment he felt that he could not keep the truth from the First Warden. In the first place, he was being asked a direct question, and in the second place, even though he owed Morrigan his life, he felt that if there was anyone who could successfully hide from the wardens, it would be her.
He took some parchment out of a drawer, and dipped his quill into the inkwell before him. Then, he started his letter, and wrote exactly all that they had gone through during the Blight in a couple of paragraphs, making sure to stress that they had received no help whatsoever from any other wardens. He then wrote an exact detail of the Ritual he had gone through with Morrigan, and added that she was Flemeth's daughter. He left nothing out. Well, that was not entirely true.
He did not mention Alistair in the letter.
Not once.
...
Alistair raised his head from the table. He stared at the people in the inn, and stood up, swaying slightly.
He had been in Val Royeaux for three months now, and the pain and misery he was feeling was unbearable. Not even the ale he drank at night lessened it. To ease the pain he had taken up mercenary jobs of sorts, similar to an assassin's. The pay was good and he wanted to secretly punish himself as much as he could, so he resorted to killing people for money. The very same thing he had admonished Zevran about, one day in the past.
He walked out into the starlit sky and the bright torch lights of the city. Val Royeaux came to life at night, and he walked among the people, feeling alone in the midst of so many. His chest tightened as his thoughts flew to Jinx again.
He was now feeling guilty. He had left her alone during a Blight, to fend for herself after promising to take care of her and protect her. He was the worse man in all of Thedas, vile and unforgivable. He was scum. He had broken his promise to trust her decisions, and had left her.
There would be no forgiveness for him, no going back. Ever.
He walked aimlessly about, not knowing where his feet were taking him till he found himself standing in front of a brothel. He had not had a woman since Jinx. He simply could not bring himself to even think about it. But tonight, he felt differently about it. He thought that he perhaps he could ease the longing that burned for her, as he masturbated himself to sleep every night, wherever he was sleeping, on the ground, or in a bed. He went inside.
His Orlesian had gotten very good, but he did not speak to the Madame of the place until he had ordered a glass of rum and sat at the counter, drinking, his eyes glancing over the girls casually as he drank. When he finished his drink, he paid and walked over to her and she smiled at him and brought out a selection of girls. He eyed them all over, and then shook his head, leaving the establishment and seeking out another brothel.
He did the same thing in this brothel, and still did not find the girl he was searching for. He didn't even know what he was searching for himself, but he resolutely paid for his drink there, and went on to the next.
He was standing in the last brothel of the city, when he saw her. Long brown hair, and green eyes. She looked like her, but she wasn't her. She would do. He paid in advance and followed the girl into a room. As soon as she shut the door, he lunged at her, kissing her passionately, while she giggled into his mouth. He paid no attention and his hands hungrily cupped her buttocks as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and he carried her into the bed, dropping her on it, and taking off his armor and undershirt, then his breeches quickly. The girl undressed as well, and he paused, drinking in her body. It was so different from Jinx's that he very nearly stopped what he was doing.
But then the girl knelt on the bed and flung her hand around his neck, her fingers diving into his growing hair, much like Jinx used to do, and he gave a sob, and quickly discarded his smallclothes. He gripped her tightly and crushed her to him, kissing her neck, and massaging her breasts while she mewled with pleasure, then he took his throbbing penis in his hand and quickly found the entrance to her core and slipped inside thrusting wildly.
The girl expertly maneuvered and her inner walls clenched around his penis, and he started to grunt out her name repeatedly like a litany as he thrust into her again and again, his eyes shut tightly.
"Jinx, oh, Jinx...my love..."
His thrusting became more erratic and he quickened his pace, the memory of Jinx burning in his mind as he went over the brink and he released his seed.
"I love you Jinx. I love you," he started to cry on the unknown girl's shoulder. "I should never have left you. Please forgive me, please, please, please," he went on and on, and the girl spoke to him quickly in Orlesian asking him if he was all right.
He came back to the room with a start, frowning at the girl and stood up so quickly, the girl let out a gasp. Then he dressed and left the room, without answering her or turning back to look at her.
He went back to the inn where he was currently sleeping and ordered a hot bath. He sat on the edge of the bed while he waited for the hot water, his head bowed, the tears streaming down his cheeks. There was a knock at the door and a servant entered carrying two large buckets of water to the tub. When the servant was done, he left the room. Alistair did not even thank him.
He undressed and stepped inside the tub, and proceeded to scrub his skin until it was red and raw, crying the whole time. Then he stepped out of the tub, dried himself and walked to the unmade bed, where he crawled under the sheets, still crying.
He cried himself to sleep that night, with Jinx on his mind, and the feeling that he had destroyed yet another part of their relationship and marriage even further, the pain in his heart and soul worse than ever before.
...