Bernard POV

It was seven-thirty when I got to 1PP.

I didn't get any sleep at all last night.

I wish I could say it was because Lauren and I got back together and spent the entire night engaging in gratifying make-up sex, but that's not the case.

"I'll tell you everything," she'd promised me as we stood on her front steps.

I thought that meant she was willing to reconsider her stand on our relationship.

But I was wrong.

We went inside, and she made good on her promise.

I found out that ten years ago, she'd been raped.

It took nearly an hour for her to actually begin to get the words out.

She sat in the chair instead of on the couch, like she wanted to give me the clear signal that she didn't want me to try to comfort her or reach out to her or anything.

So I'd sat stock still on the sofa and listened to her relive the worst night of her life.

She cried as she described what had happened. Big, silent tears that rolled unchecked down her cheeks. I made a move to give her my handkerchief, but she startled, almost as though she'd forgotten that I was even in the room, so I resumed my static position.

And while I watched her rehash the experience, I realized a few things.

First off, she'd obviously never gotten any kind of help. In fact, I'd bet my badge that I was the first person she'd told, after the initial incident.

Secondly, I should've seen the signs. And maybe that was a little over the top as far as expectations went, but she definitely had a stronger than normal need to be in control in the bedroom. And there was the fact that she liked to talk during sex, almost like she had the need to remain connected to the present, for fear of letting her mind wander back to the past.

And okay, so it probably was a stretch to think I should've guessed it. Maybe it's just that now I feel guilty thinking about how I gave her a hard time about wanting the conversation…and I teased her about wanting the control.

I should've been more sensitive.

The third thing that hit me was a nearly overwhelming murderous rage over what this unknown man had done to her.

There was no doubt in my mind that if I were to see him on the street, I'd pull out my gun and shoot him dead without a moment's hesitation.

He'd hurt her…emotionally and physically. She didn't get overly detailed in her description of the act itself, but he'd damaged her permanently, leaving her unable to have children.

"So you can see why we can't be together," she'd concluded.

"No, I can't," I replied.

"B., you want kids. I can't have them."

"You're putting words in my mouth," I argued lightly. "When you asked me that…"

"When I asked you, it was to find out how you really felt before you learned how damaged I am," she said sharply. "Anything you say now is just patronizing."

"Patronizing? Lauren, you're not giving me a chance to explain."

"You're right. I'm not. I told you about what happened because…well, because I guess I needed to. This thing with Carolyn really made me start thinking about it, and once I started, I couldn't stop. I usually wait a little longer in a relationship, but I guess it doesn't matter because it always ends the same. That's why I'm trying to make it easy on you, okay?"

"By assuming I can't handle it?"

She'd sighed heavily and swiped at the moisture on her cheeks.

"It's not an assumption. You'll want to handle it. But in your mind, you'll think about it. About what he did, and how I let it happen, and…"

"You didn't let anything happen," I said, doing my best to control my anger. "You were attacked. He held you at gunpoint. What do you think you could've done differently?"

"Something!" she yelled. "I'm a cop, for God's sake!"

"That doesn't make us immune."

"I should've fought harder."

"Lauren…"

"I'm sorry. You need to go."

I'd remained still, watching her as she stared at the wall.

I didn't want to go, but I also needed to respect her wishes, so I slowly got up from the couch. My need to touch her, to offer her comfort, was overpowering.

"Did they catch him?" I asked her quietly, because I absolutely had to know.

"No."

"But you filed a report, right?"

She sighed again and finally brought her eyes to mine. They were huge and luminous and her tears had made the color appear turquoise…and they were begging me to just leave it alone.

"Yes," she said at last. "Now please…just…"

"I'm going," I said. "But only because you want me to. If it were up to me, I'd never leave."

Because that's when the fourth thing hit me.

I was in love with her.

That had to be it. I could feel her pain like it was my own, more so even.

But I left her place without another word, and then I went home and did what any man in my shoes would do.

I had a drink.

And then I had another.

And then I turned on my computer and logged into the NYPD database.

I spent the whole night looking over the scant documentation from ten years ago when Lauren had reported the rape, and then scouring the database for any similar attack committed in the five boroughs.

Because rapists rarely attacked only once, and it was burning my ass that this guy hadn't been caught.

How was that possible?

They had his DNA.

Although ten years ago, the labs weren't quite as efficient and the testing wasn't nearly as advanced. But if they still had the rape kit in evidence lock-up…

Which was why I decided that this morning I was going to place a call to Manhattan SVU.

I had the brief concern that Lauren would be mad at me for stirring the pot, but at the same time, it was still an open case.

The potential was there for any detective, at any time, to initiate a renewed investigation.

And I felt so damn impotent that I had to do something.

"Benson."

"Olivia, it's Bernard in Major Case."

"What are you doing up and about so early? I thought Major Case detectives got the cushy hours," she teased.

She and I had run into each other a few times over the years. I didn't know her well, but I did know that she was good at her job, and she didn't mind flying under the radar from time to time.

I'd also helped her out of a jam back when I worked for IAB.

"I don't know where you got that idea," I replied. "I've never worked so much in my life."

"Is everything okay? Or are you ready to cash in that chip?"

"I think I'm ready," I agreed, appreciating her straight-to-business attitude. "This is on the DL."

"Of course."

"I need you to pull the evidence from an old rape case. Technically, it's still open, and I'm hoping that maybe with the advancements in testing, if the kit is reprocessed then maybe something will pop."

"Sure," she agreed quickly.

"There's more."

"I had a feeling."

"If you get a hit, I want to know about it first, and then I'll let you know whether or not to proceed with anything."

I gave her the case file number, instead of Lauren's name. Obviously, she'd see the name, but by me not using it, she'd catch on to the fact that we were working in evidence only.

Olivia said that she'd get back with me as soon as she knew something.

When I hung up, I started to feel sick, like maybe I'd just made a huge mistake.

How was Lauren going to react?

I'd have to tell her.

That is, if she was talking to me.

And I had to find some way to convince her that none of what had happened to her mattered to me.

I just wanted to be with her.

"Where's your partner?"

I looked up to see Mike and Carolyn walking into the squad room.

"Which one?"

"Either," Carolyn said. "Have you talked to Lupo today?"

"No, but he said he'd be here by eight. He's pretty anxious to get on Carl's trail."

"What about Hayes?" Mike asked suspiciously.

And I suppose he had good reason to be suspicious. Until yesterday, she and I had been joined at the hip for nearly two weeks.

"She should be here soon," I said vaguely.

"We researched Carl last night," Carolyn said as she sat down at her desk. "We've got a few leads to work on this morning."

"Are you guys sticking with this case?"

"Until something else comes in, yeah," Mike said with a shrug. "I don't know about you, but I'd just as soon get that guy off the streets before he tries something else."

"My guess is that he's hiding out. I think he's going to need a couple of days to recover. She beat him pretty good," I said.

Connie's hands had been bloody and bruised and so had her feet.

Then I couldn't help but wonder about Lauren. The electronic version of her case file didn't contain pictures, but rather just simple facts.

There was no mention of defensive wounds.

Is that why she felt responsible?

Thinking back, I realized that she'd seemed disconnected when taking Connie's statement.

Was she comparing the two scenarios?

She had to know better than that…the instances weren't the same. Connie's attacker thought he was in love with her. He wanted to trust her which made him vulnerable.

Rape was all about power and dominance…not to mention the guy had kept a gun to her head. If she'd fought back, she might very well have been killed.

"Bernard?"

"Yeah?" I asked, realizing that I had no idea about the current conversation.

"Are you okay?" Carolyn asked me.

"I just didn't get much sleep last night," I admitted.

"Again, I ask…where's Hayes?" Logan said with a smile.

And even knowing it would tip him off, I couldn't manage to muster a fake smile in return.

"I'm here."

At the sound of her voice, I looked up from my desk and watched her walk across the squad room.

She looked beautiful. And professional and composed…she definitely had the ability to cover her emotions because I was pretty sure that I still looked like a wreck.

"Eames is grabbing some coffee," she continued. "I ran into him on the way up."

She was avoiding eye contact with me, and instead sat on the edge of Lupo's desk and looked at the Logans expectantly.

"Last day in Major Case," Carolyn commented. "We're going to miss you around here."

"I doubt that," Lauren replied dismissively. "But I'll miss being here, that's for sure."

"We need to plan another double date," Logan said, and it was almost like he was testing her. He said the words and then looked back and forth between us.

That was the thing about hanging out with fellow detectives.

They were always way too damn observant.

"Sure," Lauren answered vaguely. "So where do we start today? Are you guys working this with us, or…"

"We're working it," Carolyn answered. "Mike and I looked up a few things last night, and we found out that his identity, David Camden, is actually a guy he put in prison a few years back. He manipulated the system to wipe out his record and give him a clean credit history and then he started using his social."

"Which means that maybe he did it more than once," Lauren suggested.

"Exactly," Logan agreed. Eames came into the room with a cardboard tray full of coffees and began distributing them as Logan continued. "So we figured that if we pull up the record of everyone who Carl's put away, we might be able to find another alias."

"Right, because he was too well organized. I mean, you guys should've seen that room he built," Carolyn said. "He had to have come up with a back-up plan in case his Camden identity was discovered."

"Sounds like we're spending the day in the office," Eames remarked.

"Why, what are we looking at?" Lupo asked as he entered the squad room.

He looked as exhausted as I felt, and I wondered if he'd slept, or if he'd stayed awake worrying about when Carl might make another attempt.

I wondered if he wanted to kill him like I wanted to kill Lauren's attacker, and then I wondered how he dealt with that kind of intense emotion.

I studied him while Mike and Carolyn tag-teamed the recap, and then we split into groups.

The Logans went to their desks.

"Last day with me, Eames," Lupo said before either Lauren or I had a chance to redistribute the partnerships. "Maybe you'll learn something."

The two of them went to sit at the Gorens' desks, since according to Carolyn, they weren't going to be coming into the precinct this morning.

"I guess it's you and me," I said cautiously to Lauren.

"One more day and I'll be out of your hair," she said blandly.

"Maybe I don't want you out of my hair," I said in a firm, low tone. "And maybe I really don't like that you insist on being presumptuous."

"It doesn't matter what you want. This is what it is. So let's just do our jobs, okay?"

No, not okay.

But considering our location, for the time being, I nodded my head and we got to work.

TBC...