CHAPTER 38

HANGING ON

Fuck the Universe.

Fuck the idiot that said love conquers all.

Fuck snowboarding.

Fuck Julian Yates.

"You have to go to school today," Alice says as she barges into my room.

"I don't want to go. Leave me alone," I growl.

"So you're just going to sit in here listening to Otis Redding's "These Arms of Mine" for another 48 hours straight?" she asks sarcastically.

"If I want to. Now get the hell out of my room."

I know my behavior is despicable. Alice loves me and is trying to help. But I feel...pissed off. And I want to wallow in my anger and misery.

"Bella is going to call you today and ask about school," she says.

That gets my attention. "You had a vision?" I ask.

"No, silly. Bella called."

"She called you?" She really called Alice but not me? I've kept my cell phone right by my side for two days, waiting for her to call.

"Wrong again." Do you read thoughts anymore Edward?

I've been actively blocking my family by listening to music and replaying every minute of my trip to Orlando with Bella in my mind.

Oh, now I see. Bella called Carlisle and at the end of the conversation, told him she would call me after classes today.

"Why did she call Carlisle?"

"To update him on Julian's condition. The hospital is going to release him tomorrow night. No sustained brain damage. He has two torn ligaments in his right ankle and will be on crutches for six weeks. But of course I already knew that. "

"And?" I ask Alice, wanting her to extrapolate as to what the immediate future holds. She doesn't immediately answer.

I am highly annoyed as I press Alice for answers. "Well, once he's home, is that it with the two of them?"

"Why don't you ask Bella when she calls?"

"Why don't you stop being an annoying know-it-all and just tell me if that bastard is going to be out of our lives anytime soon?"

"Whoa, Edward. That's enough." Jasper is standing in my doorway in an instant, coming to Alice's defense.

I sigh. It's not Alice's fault. I know second to only me, she is the one family member who wants things to work between Bella and me the most.

"I'm sorry. I feel like I am at the end of the proverbial rope."

Both Alice and Jasper give me a sympathetic look.

"I just don't know what to do," I say in exasperation, tugging at my hair as I go to sit on the edge of the bed in my room. "I can't lose her again...not when I just got her back."

Alice sits down next to me, and after a moment, she shows me a brief vision. It's of Bella and me sitting in class, holding hands under the table. I look up, and I can't keep from grinning like an utter fool. That one simple vision gives me hope and encouragement that maybe this is just a bump in the road that we will get past.

"This is my favorite vision of late. But I have to warn you. There are others, and they change all the time. I think your relationship is going to depend upon how you handle this Julian situation."

"Edward, unfortunately Julian is a consequence of the decision you made all of those years ago. He became an important part of Bella's life, and that fact can't be undone."

"So this is like some sort of punishment? Bella said she forgave me for leaving, Alice."

She sighs and puts her hand on my knee. "It's not a punishment. It's just something that Bella has to do. What do you want her to do? Simply abandon and walk away from Julian when he is injured and alone? You know Bella. Do you think she could do that in good conscience? It would be something that would haunt her and be a blot on your relationship."

I try to keep my expression impassive, but I feel my mouth tightening in annoyance at the thought of Bella having to help Julian.

"This is going to be tough for you, but my advice is to support Bella once she decides what obligation she thinks she has to Julian."

"Why does she have to do anything other than drop him off at his home? He's an adult. He can hire help if he needs it."

"You know it's not that easy. Just keep that vision of you and Bella holding hands in mind." Alice hugs me before walking out.

I'm sorry, man, Jasper says in his thoughts.

I get up and get ready for school. It will give me something to do, and I can also pick up any assignments Bella might need.

I am just walking through the door of the house after school when my cell phone rings and "Feel Like Making Love" plays, signaling Bella is calling.

"Hello, Bella," I say as I answer, and I'm sure my tone conveys a mixture of worry, relief, despair, and longing.

"Edward. I've missed you," she says softly.

"Then why didn't you call before now?" I figure direct is the best approach. And truth be told, I am hurt she has not called me before today.

I hear her take a deep breath before she answers. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to speak to me, and I guess I had to build up my nerve." I can hear both the exhaustion and vulnerability in her voice, and it melts the edge of my anger.

I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. "Bella, I always want to hear from you. I love you. I wish you would just let me help you."

"I love you, too. Please understand. I just couldn't have you here with Julian and Charlie. It would've just been too much. Please, please tell me you understand."

"I understand." And this time it is half true when I say it.

I continue. "Alice says Julian will be released tomorrow. I can help you arrange for some in-home help for Julian if you like?" Okay. That wasn't quite so direct. What I really want to know is if she is dropping Julian at his house tomorrow, saying goodbye for good, and coming home to me.

"Thanks. Carlisle actually gave me some names and numbers to call."

After a short, awkward silence, she speaks again.

"Edward?" Her tone has a warning in it—warning me that I'm not going to like what she is about to say.

"Yes?"

"I'm going to need to ask you for some time. I'm going to have to stay with Julian for a while."

I swallow with difficulty as fear is trying to paralyze me.

"I see," I manage to respond. "Did you tell him about us?"

"Not yet."

I force the words, "I see," pass my lips once again.

"He just woke up from a coma, and he had to go through all kinds of scary tests and..."

I cut her off. "It's fine, Bella. I understand."

There is a long period of silence. It's anything but fine.

"Can I see you on Sunday?" she finally asks.

"Of course. I suppose you will want to pick up your missing assignments."

"Edward, stop it. I want to see you. I miss you so much."

"But not enough to tell Julian that we are together."

"Honestly, there just hasn't been a chance. And my dad was here until today..." She trails off, not finishing her thought. Her tone is full of worry. I don't want to add any burden to her.

"Listen, Bella, I'm trying. I'm trying to give you space and time as you requested. It's hard for me but...I trust you to make the right decision."

"Oh, Edward!" she exclaims, and I hear relief and happiness in her voice. I like this much better than her sadness.

Then her voice turns playful. "Have I mentioned that I love you?"

I smile. "I don't recall."

"Hmm. Have I mentioned that I miss you?"

"I'm not sure." I'm so relieved we can have a light moment again.

"Have I mentioned that I can't wait to fuck you again?"

Oh, god. Bella is talking dirty to Edward. This is so great. Emmett's thoughts assault me immediately.

"No, Bella, I'm sure you didn't mention that one. I would've definitely remembered that," I answer her playfully. And then I lower my voice and warn her, "Remember, love, I am home and certain people can hear you."

"I guess that's just something I'll have to get use to again. Is Emmett home?"

"Yes. And he is the one family member who won't even try to respect our privacy."

Hey. I resent that. Emmett's thoughts filter down.

"Tell him I have not had a chance to locate that penis pump he asked me about."

A penis pump and Emmett? That gets a chuckle out of me.

It's not what you think! It's for research.

"You don't owe me any explanation," I say, knowing he can hear me.

I'm serious. Bella said she saw one that was made of titanium once. I was curious as to how strong it was. That's all.

"Whatever you say, bro," I respond, enjoying Emmett feeling uncomfortable for a change.

I'm serious, dammit! I don't need a pump. I don't need anything to please my woman all day and all night. I can show you if you want.

"That won't be necessary," I say laughing.

This is starting to move into dangerous territory as erotic images of Rosalie are starting to come to mind for Emmett. I turn my attention back to Bella.

"Your message has been received," I tell her.

"So, can I come by and see you on Sunday afternoon?" she asks shyly.

"Yes, of course. I can't wait to see you. I've missed you, too."

I can't stay angry. I'm going to take Alice's advice. We'll get past this. We have to. I need the love of my existence too much to give up now.

"I have to go. I'll see you then. Love you," she says, and she hangs up just as I whisper my goodbye.

Emmett walks past me then, on his way out to the garage, and slaps me on the back. "See man, I told you she would be wanting more rides on the E-train."

I make my way to the computer and an hour later, I have finished the arrangements to have a private jet ready to take Bella and Julian to Seattle on Saturday. They are to be told that his health insurance is covering it, to minimize the chances of further injury.

There. I have done all I can do from here to make Bella's life a little easier. Now I have to sit back and... trust.

The following Wednesday (Five days later)...

"Okay, dude. I spent hours on this. I have the five most definitive signs that your girl is cheating on you."

"Number one: She is very secretive about her phone and email." What about it Ed? Does she act weird when she gets calls? Refuse to talk in front of you? Refuse to let you see her emails?

I ignore his words and thoughts.

"Okay, think about that one. Let's move on to number two. Your sex life has cooled off." Well, since you were just recently deflowered, you barely achieved a sex life to begin with. Let's just put a question mark by this one for now.

"Number three: She is dressing extra sexy for no apparent reason." What did Bella wear to school today? Okay. Still not answering. Was it that bad?

My only answer is a low growl. God, Emmett can be so damn annoying.

"Number four: She's suddenly using birth control again."

I won't give Emmett the satisfaction of answering, but I know that is not an issue. Bella told me. He doesn't wait long before he moves on.

"And the number five most popular sign that your lady is stepping out on you is that she suddenly has excuses not to spend time with you. She may encourage you to spend time with your own friends and family, away from her." Oops, that's not so good in your favor.

"Enough of your stupid list. Bella is not cheating on me. She is helping Julian during his recovery period. That's it." God, if it was just that simple.

"Okay, I was just trying to help," Emmett says as he finally leaves my room so I can have some peace. Jasper said he hasn't gotten laid since Bella returned and that was four days ago. Something is not right. I grimace because Emmett's thoughts scare me. Is something not right?

I think back to Sunday afternoon. Bella and I had talked. She explained that Julian wasn't being permitted to return to work until after Thanksgiving. She said he was very upset about his mother never showing up to even check on him.

The doctors said a mixture of the accident and things in his personal life had led to a mild case of depression, and he was prescribed anti-depression medicine. She didn't say so, but it was obvious Bella blamed herself for this as well.

Given his current physical and mental health problems, she didn't think it was fair to leave Julian in the middle of the holidays. She also explained that Charlie had already invited them to Thanksgiving dinner and was looking forward to it. She further explained that Charlie was going to have a hard enough time accepting our relationship when he found out and that it would only be worse if she abandoned Julian right in the middle of the holidays. Charlie would blame me, she was sure.

I listened intently and nodded in all the right places. What she was describing was nothing short of horrific, but I clung to that vision of Bella and me in class, holding hands.

Bella had told Julian that their romantic relationship was over but that she was still his friend. She made a point of telling me she had moved into the guest room of the apartment, while Julian remained in the master bedroom.

She carefully described their relationship as one friend helping another get through a tough time.

I might have been able to accept that except I couldn't help remembering that her friend used to tie her up and force his vile self upon her.

Now, I sit here staring at my phone, willing it to ring. It's been three days since our talk on Sunday. I get to see Bella every day at school, but she always rushes home to take care of Julian. She texts often and usually calls before she goes to bed. It's not enough. How the hell am I supposed to watch the love of my existence live with and take care of her ex-boyfriend for the next seven weeks?

I know one thing for certain. If he goes near her honeypot, I'm going to rip his extremities from his foul body.

E/N—Thank you spunkmehard for being by 1400th reviewer. And thanks to Sis and ladyrip who make this story so much better. Please, please some patience. I promise, for the safety of my Kitty Kat, B&E are far from over. See you in the honeypot!