Chapter 36: Stray

Rey would never be able to show gratitude enough to account for all the good her friends did.

Finn was all too ready to crack jokes and make her laugh. Chewie spent ages making sure she was in peak health. Myri made sure everyone from her Hoth squad knew she was safe, and brought them into the party for good measure. They were soon joined by Poe's and Finn's squads respectively.

Poe. Poe had become Rey's reliant crutch. He was a sympathetic ear, and someone to lean on. He didn't judge her whenever she reached for the bottle while they played pazaak in the corner and chatted. He didn't press her to join in the other activities. But there was something in the way he looked at her throughout the night, as if he were watching her and analysing her. Even when they laughed together, and the room filled up, he still watched her with an odd intensity that Rey couldn't quite figure out.

It seemed that the Resistance troops would take any excuse to throw festivities and raise spirits. Rey's return was no different. Soon enough, the common room was full, and the gathering spilled out onto the patio, and then the grass thereafter. Caffa, juma, and a little whiskey, flowed through the night, and pazaak was the order of the day.

At least no one had started Nar Shaddaa rules yet, but Rey supposed that would crop up soon, if the singing and dancing was anything to go by.

But, mercifully, Poe did not even coax her to take part. He himself stayed with her and did not get immersed in the larger party. Finn and Myri were invested enough for the both of them, and Chewbacca was also content to watch. Naturally, no one would dare bug a Wookiee.

The energy of the gathering itself was enough to lift Rey's spirits. While she originally started telling them what Yavin Four and Dromund was like when they asked, they soon realised how it unsettled her to speak of it, and ended the conversation, instead turning to more light-hearted activities.

Rey was thankful to know people like them.

It was the early hours of the morning when Rey quietly left the room, letting the party continue. Poe walked with her to her quarters, silently offering more consolation and support than words ever could, even without knowledge of what she had truly been through.

She opened the door, but he did not let her go in.

He pulled her back and into his arms, squeezing her in a tight, reassuring embrace. Rey melted into the gesture, hugging him back, her chin resting on his shoulder.

Poe didn't let her go.

"Rey," he started, his voice loud in the silence of the corridor, reminiscent of the looks he had been throwing her earlier. The muted music of the party seemingly miles away. "I can see that whatever happened out there affected you one heck of a shot. And I'm guessing it had a lot to do with our mutual Forceful friend, even though you'll probably never admit it-"

Rey flinched in his arms, and she knew he felt it. He held her snugger.

"-I'm just spitballin' here-" His tone was light, as if telling a happy tale. Rey could tell it was wistful affectation. "-But I'm thinking a lot more happened than you're letting on, Sweets. And hey, if your edginess is anything to go by, I'm trusting it's something that needs to be kept hidden, else you wouldn't be doing it, right?"

Rey felt instantly guilty, "Poe-"

He shook his head, and rubbed her back, still not letting her go, "I'm not blind, buddy, I can see something's up, and I'm willin' to bet my pilot's helmet that it's got to do with good ol' Ben-" His voice broke a bit, even accusingly, and it made Rey's gut twist.

"How can you know?" she whispered, feeling no inhibitions or fear of being judged by Poe, "How can you know it's Ben?"

"Because you called him Ben-" Poe said simply, and Rey's thoughts froze.

What had Luke and Leia made of it, if this was Poe's conclusion?

"-Now I highly doubt you're doing anything against the Resistance, and I'm trusting you that whatever you do will be for the good of all of us-" Poe pulled back and fixed her with a pleading look. "-Please don't make me regret it."

Rey shook her head quickly, her eyes stretched wide, and her forehead most likely wrinkled, "Poe, no-No! It's not- Poe…"

He waited expectantly while she recovered from the shock of his statement.

This. This was the reason why Rey just couldn't lie. She just couldn't jeopardise these friendships.

Rey's heart constricted in her chest.

She couldn't betray Ben's confidence either.

"Poe," Rey began slowly, picking her words with care, "You're right. You're right, and it is him that…who's effecting me so. But he's not- I'm not giving anything away, Poe, I swear. Nor am I jumping ship to the First Order. Please-"

"I believe you, Rey," he interrupted her, a small smile on his face, "Just keep showing me like you have been, and we won't have a problem-" his expression darkened then to one of bitter sadness, "-I don't want to lose another of my best buds to the scum of the universe."

A lump formed I Rey's throat out of empathy for the man before her, and she pulled him into a hug just as he had to her before. He wrapped his arms around her, letting his head fall to her shoulder, and let Rey act as his support, for once.

"Poe," Rey murmured, coming to a decision, "Guess who I played pazaak and drank juma and juri with, in a bar, on Cato Neimoidia?"

Poe jerked back and stared at her, mouth slightly agape, "You…"

"Ben."

He gaped, his mouth forming words, but none made it to fruition. His expression was one of blatant bewilderment.

"Ben, Poe. He found me in the bar while I waited for my jump window to Dromund. He was there for his own means, and we honestly did just run into each other. He was not searching me out."

"And…and the memories?" he asked hesitantly.

Rey shook her head. "Later, on Dromund."

Poe surprised Rey by jumping back and laughing, "And you drank with him?"

"Played a game, actually. Juma or juri."

Poe's eyes were dancing, a cautious smile making its way over his face, "And pazaak? You two civilly played pazaak? And he didn't try to 'seduce' you or anything?"

Rey shook her head again, a tiny smirk on her face. Poe was almost as bad as Maz.

She had not expected Poe to react like this, but it was better than she imagined.

He chuckled again, "I can't believe it…I mean, I didn't believe it when Luke admitted that you really were a fellow student and stuff…But this?"

"It's the truth."

"I can see it, Rey!" he laughed, "And that's what makes it all the more absurd! But why, why would you tell me all of this? And why lie to Leia about the promise her son still shows?"

"Because I trust you not to tell anyone, Poe. Not even Finn-" His smile faltered, but Rey carried on, "I wasn't going to tell anyone till I myself had hope that perhaps he could be brought home. I still don't have anything solid, but if there's one constant in all of this, it's that I won't let it jeopardise your belief in me. The troops, I suppose I can handle. Luke and Leia…I don't want to get their hopes too high. But you? You're one of the few people I feel comfortable with in all situations. I won't let you have even an inkling of doubt in your mind where I'm concerned."

"And Finn?"

"If Finn starts to doubt me, he'll be placated, too. But that's my decision to make, Poe."

Poe nodded, understanding clear on his face.

Rey should probably have felt nervous at his new privy to her tenuous relations with Ben, but she wasn't.

"You can rely on me, Rey. I won't speak out of line."

"Thank you, Poe."

He gave her one last heartening embrace, and an exuberant smile before he left.

Rey knew she had made the right choice.

Perhaps.

You're back! Rey should not have been that happy.

I never really left. Just, was silent. There was a gentle smile in his voice.

Oh. Oh, the implications, Rey sighed to herself in vague nervousness as she shut her door behind her.

Don't worry, I was preoccupied. Unfortunately, there are more pressing things to attend to than digging through your thoughts at every opportunity.

And you would find that an appealing prospect then?

Were they teasing each other?

Ben chuckled over the tether. He sounded tired.

Are you doing alright, Ben?

He was quiet.

Ben? Rey frowned to herself, feeling his presence but not his response. He was hovering there, unnerved.

I'm sorry, Rey. It's…unusual to be called that again.

You don't like it. It wasn't a question. Rey fell onto her bed, and let her eyelids flutter closed. Oddly enough, it heightened her senses to the point where she could almost feel his presence in the room.

He paused. I… It's not that I don't like it. It's just strange… It's been so long.

You don't like it. She could feel him, she was sure of it. Or perhaps that was just the memory of his body against hers in the snow, or her hands on his skin in the fighter. She should probably banish those thoughts from her mind while he was still there, not quite trusting her own block at this moment.

Ben wavered for a moment before answering softly, I do like it, Rey. As I've said, it's just been a very long time…I've become someone else in the meantime.

I think my continued existence contradicts that statement, Ben, Rey interjected harshly, much more emphatically than she intended.

Rey-

And I do believe I asked you whether you were okay.

He felt like he wanted to quarrel further, then relented with a tangible sigh, I'm well, Rey. Thanks to you. Ben's words were swollen with suppressed fervour.

Rey couldn't help that her heartbeat reacted to it. She couldn't help that she remembered the sensation of his lips on hers.

And I take it you're at your new 'home' for the foreseeable future?

Not quite. I am to meet with General Hux tomorrow, from there I suppose I'll find out. He was resigned.

It must be awful.

It's normal.

Still.

She could feel his despondency, and Rey wasn't imagining it, she could clearly feel him in the room. Not as anything corporeal, but so definitely there.

Rey, are you alright? You seem…Um-

I can feel you.

That threw him, and Rey grappled to make him understand, lest he misinterpret that. Force knows she had enough to deal with.

I mean, I can sense you. It's as if you're here, nearby.

His astonishment was clear, and his thoughts stuttered disjointedly through hers.

I-I thought that was- Oh…He was flustered, and it set Rey on edge.

What?

I thought it was just me, he answered quietly, with the slightest air of relief threading through the wonder.

Rey was bemused, You…You've sensed me like this?

Sometimes. Not very often but, yes, I have. I thought it was just my own imaginings, or perhaps a form of wilful projection. Ben was almost timid in his confession, his voice barely above a whisper.

'Wilful projection'? Rey murmured back, nervous knots twisting in her stomach, and a tremor of uncertainty in her words.

He did not respond.

As in, you wanted me near?

It took him a while to reply, and when he did, that reticence had only increased tenfold. I may have.

Rey opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling. The shapes were fuzzed in the low light, as well as a result of her exhausted vision.

Ben could feel it.

Sleep, Rey.

And if I want to stay like this? She asked, her own voice now demure with nerves.

What, talking to me? He tried to be blasé, this was obvious to Rey, but his honest, elated awe was something he could not mask.

Yes. Admitting that was not as hard as Rey thought it would be.

Ben stumbled over his words before he found traction, his words laden with reflexive formality. It would inhibit your ability to perform for your cause. Sleep. Then, after a long, heavy pause, his words rose again in her mind. Ben's tone was impossibly gentle. I'll be right here with you.

Rey found it hard to formulate any answer, overcome with exhaustion from the past hours' experience, and unimaginable peace that came with his very palpable presence.

Rey fell asleep with ease, strangely trusting of the man in her mind.

Ben. She was so adamantly calling him Ben.

In all truth, he had not even thought of himself as Ben for just as long, if not longer, than since he had last responded to it before his father's call.

Whenever he looked at himself in the mirror, the only reminder of Ben were his eyes. They had always been so conflicted, so weak to him. Over the years, his expression had hardened and his features had matured along with his years. He had grown into the name that was Kylo Ren. Except for his eyes.

Now, as he stood in his chambers, hands gripping the refresher sink, and staring at his face in the mirror, he didn't recognise the man he had forced himself to grow into.

The only person he saw was Ben Solo.

If anything, the richly-coloured scar she had given him only amplified that fact.

Rey.

It was because of Rey that he could not find Kylo in his reflection this night, and most likely for a while before.

He turned from the glassy surface and walked to his own bed, sitting down heavily and letting his face fall into his hands.

Rey was going to ruin him, if she hadn't already.

It made him ache with longing, how she interacted with her friends- one of which was once his too, a lifetime ago- and the remnants of his family, on a planet he only dreamed of these days.

Yearning.

He craved for it again, but he knew it was in vain. He would never go back. He could never go back.

It was hers to enjoy, for now. He knew he would do everything in his power to keep her safe from Snoke's cruel clutches.

He would teach her, not Snoke.

He would guide her, not Snoke.

Because if Snoke had to do so, he would surely bend and break her beyond all recognition.

The thought made his heart clench in painful fear.

No, he would save her, he had to. He could not lose her again, and as it stood, Snoke would easily be able to crush the Resistance.

Hux was biting the proverbial bit in anticipation for action, but Snoke was biding his time, waiting for the ideal moment. For what exactly, Ben did not know.

Ben.

He sighed heavily, unable to stop the influx of memories at the familiarity of the name.

Chewbacca, Poe, Luke.

Father. Mother.

The remembrance shook him to his core with how fiercely they made him ache for their comforting embrace again. The Light.

Yet, there was no need for destruction to calm him. His mind was still pressed up against hers, and she was peaceful in sleep.

The sensation made him smile. Yet another action he had not done in a long time, till Rey came back into his life.

Thoughtlessly, he ran his fingertips over the scar.

He could still feel her unerringly gently caress on his face, and on his mouth. Her touch still lingers on his skin where there had briefly been mangled flesh. Her lips…

She was something intoxicating, and her trace had already begun its work.

He could not recognise himself as the man he had worked so hard to be. Instead all he found was Ben Solo, with all the dreadful and unforgivable sins he'd committed in the name he had given himself, and he was terrified.