Rey
She was floating.
"Ren!" She called out, desperation curling in her chest. "Ren!"
Warm arms curled around her. "I'm here, Rey."
She jolted at his touch, but then turned and melted into his firm chest.
"Shit," she breathed, tears welling up as she clutched him. "Was it real, Ren?"
"Was what real?"
"Did you kill Han?" she asked, tilting her head up to look up at him. His large hands covered her back.
"No," he said, looking confused. "What are you talking about?"
She let out a small sob and buried her face into his shoulder. "Gods, I had this dream that you killed Han and I had just had Leila and—" She suddenly remembered her baby, her sweet baby. Where was she?
"Where's Leila?" She asked, pulling back, her hands running down her flat, toned stomach. That wasn't right. Her stomach had been loose and soft, because she had just had Leila.
"Oh no," she choked out, sinking into Ren's arms again. "Oh gods."
"What is it, love? What's wrong?"
She sobbed in his arms, harder than if she was a baby.
"This…is just a dream…" she managed. "You did do it, you did…"
She awoke with tears on her face.
The baby was stirring in her arms; some of the tears had fallen on her.
"Sorry, sorry," Rey murmured, dabbing away the water with the edge of her tunic. Leila opened her eyes and cooed, and Rey gave her a small smile.
For a while, she folded into herself with grief. She and Leia moved silently within their sphere of grief to take care of the baby, but beyond that, there was little reason to move.
She felt like a horrible mother. She hadn't protected Han, and she had chosen the wrong man to be father of her child. Now her daughter had no father, no grandfather. Worst of all was the realization that Ren had known, he had known. He had planned it. She hadn't understood his feelings then, but now she did.
She felt betrayed. She felt foolish. She bit her nails down to the quick and cursed the man she loved every night.
Only her love for Leila kept her from dissolving. She cried too many tears on her sleeping daughter. At night Leila slept in the nook of Rey's arms, a hot little coal of life, keeping the grief at bay for a little while. She'd wake, thinking the warmth on her cheek was Ren's hand, when it was just Leila's little flailing palm.
How could she still yearn for him? What kind of person was she?
Underneath it all, she was angry. No, furious.
She hated him.
He had lied to her, he had betrayed her. But above all that, he had wounded Leia more than anyone thought possible.
Leia had withdrew from leading the resistance. The sweet hope that Rey had seen in Leia's eyes the day Leila was born was gone. Dead. The only time Rey saw any life in Leia's eyes was when she held her granddaughter. Rey wondered if she looked the same when others looked at her.
They didn't speak much about what had happened after.
Han was buried, and when Rey saw the body she didn't like it. It didn't look like Han; it was too somber. Like as if the whole room was on edge, waiting for Han Solo to swagger in. It wasn't right.
As Leia was about to light the funeral pyre, sobs overtook her. She shuddered with them, and Rey found herself frozen in horror. Was this all really happening? Was Leia really breaking down? Was Han really dead? Was Ren really his killer? Rey's cheeks became streaked with tears, and suddenly a hooded figure stepped forward and pushed down the hood.
"Let me, Leia," he said.
Leia gasped when she saw the lined face of her brother, and so did Rey. Luke stood before them, his feet touching soil unknown to him for at least twenty years. Rey clutched the baby to herself, unbelieving.
Luke slid his hand onto Leia's back and placed his hand over hers that held the fire. Leia leaned back into her twin, and together they lit the funeral pyre.
Luke led Leia back as the flames began to lick at the sides. Rey moved without thinking to the pair, and Luke smiled sadly at her.
"Hello, Rey."
She nodded at her master and Leia turned to cry on her brother's shoulder. Chewie, who had been standing silently to the side, let out an agonized howl that made Leila start to cry. Rey rubbed her newborn's back as Leia went to Chewbacca, whose long, furried arms wrapped around her. Luke looked to Rey once more, and she asked, "Are you really here?"
He nodded, and then looked at Leia. "Yes. And I shall stay. She did not call out to me personally, but I felt Leia's anguish in the Force. She needs me."
Rey shook her head. "I don't know what can be done. Everything…everything is wrong. I should have listened to you."
"No," Luke said. "Things always happen the way they were mean to. Besides, do you really regret this beautiful child?"
"No," Rey said fervently. "Never."
Luke's expression were sad as his fingers ghosted over Leila's forehead. "You still love him."
Rey bit her lip as tears pricked at her eyes again. In the firelight, Luke's blue eyes shone.
"He's a monster," she said.
"But yet, you do not deny it."
She tipped her head back, trying to contain the tears. "I don't know what I feel. All there is is darkness."
"Yes," Luke agreed, his eyes on his sister. "You must be careful."
"Yes," Rey whispered. "Maybe this time I will be."
Was it all her fault?
She had asked this of Leia, who had dismissed it quickly. But Rey felt, deep inside, that she was to blame. She had brought Ren here, and she had been too late to stop him. Damn the Force. Damn everything.
When Leila was three months old, Rey felt something change. She was still sad, but overall, she was angry. She tried going back to work, her cooing child swaddled close to her body. But she was still frustrated. She felt the darkness beckoning. She talked to Luke about it, but he just kept telling her to let go of her anger. Finally, Rey had had enough.
"You're such a hypocrite," Rey snapped, throwing away her meditative stance. She had been trying to meditate with Luke since Leila was with her grandmother, but she had only grown angrier and angrier, unable to focus or control her emotions.
Luke's expression did not change, but his focus was narrowed onto her.
Rey swallowed. "You say I should let go of my anger, my resentment, because it leads to the dark side. What about you? You cannot let go of your anger towards Ren for what he did to your academy. You should know it is impossible to let go of something like that, but you dare to tell me to just let it go!"
Luke stood, and Rey set her shoulders back. Something in his expression was dangerous.
"Maybe I wanted more for you, Rey. Maybe I didn't want you to rot on your island with regret and bitterness like I did."
"Then why try to suppress your anger?" Rey burst out. "Why not let yourself grieve and be angry?"
"And fall to the dark side like my father?" Luke snapped, his teeth bared. "Never."
Rey shook her head. "There has to be another way. There has to be."
Luke stared at her, hard, but then his expression softened. "If there is another way, I don't know it. I never had enough time to learn—" he cut himself off, his face faraway. "The way of the Jedi is the only one I know. The rich history of them is otherwise lost."
Rey worried her lip between her teeth. "That doesn't mean we have to follow it. I don't…I don't think that path is right for me. Or—"
She almost said Ren. But no, there was no light in him. Not hardly enough. She had been wrong.
Luke pressed his palm to her shoulder. "You may be right. It might be time for the ways of the Jedi to end."
Rey looked at him, looked at how old he was. Grey beard, lined eyes and weathered skin.
"I must bring balance to the Force," Rey said softly. "I must remove the darkness from the universe to help balance the small amount of light there is left." After Ren had killed so many Force sensitive people, the Force was dark and dangerous. There could be no balance in the force-sensitive people who were left while dark reigned around them.
Luke scanned her face. "Do you know what that means?"
Rey swallowed, then slowly nodded. "I must be the one," she said woodenly. "I must be the one to kill Kylo Ren."
Ren
Agony.
There was nothing left inside but pain. He was a shell. Even the thought of her face, or the sweet smell of his daughter did not spark anything inside. He knew that it was gone, all gone.
If he concentrated, he could ignore his own anguish long enough to lie. To swear his loyalty to Snoke, to continue walking the halls of the finalizer, to agree on reports. They were continuing on the weapon they had sworn to stop construction on. Ren did not care.
He found he could not interrogate prisoners anymore without crying. Luckily, his mask hid the deceptive tears from his victims and personnel.
Everything reminded him of her.
Yet there was nothing he could do.
In the beginning, he tried to remember their last kiss, the last time she told him that she loved him. But it hurt too much. It was like drawing a knife across raw, seething flesh. So he tried to forget.
Snoke, for the most part, left him alone. He had proved his loyalty. And even though he no longer did much of anything—he would no longer seek out the force sensitive—he was still given Snoke's approval to do so. Free reign. If only…
But there were stirrings in the Force. Whether she was aware of it or not, a thin thread connected the two of them. And one day, something changed. It was barely a connection—more like a movement out of the corner of his eye than anything. But there was…something.
Had Rey turned dark? Was Leila alright? Or perhaps his mother had…no, he couldn't go down that rode. It was just a stir, nothing more. Surely, if something had happened to his family, he would feel it.
If only he could be there, protecting them…
He had dreams, so many dreams.
Hold me, Ren. Take my hand.
Please, Ren. Don't go.
He knew he had abandoned her like she had always feared. He had stabbed her where she ached most. And their daughter… No, he could not think of her.
As they approached the planet being used for their weapon, Ren stood on the bridge and looked over the bright orange orb before them. He felt Hux approach.
"Do we have permission to land?" Ren asked hollowly.
"Yes, we will board in one hour."
"Then why are you here?" Ren asked turning to Hux.
Hux was looking at him intently. "Snoke wants to see you before we board."
Ren nodded.
As he turned to leave, Hux stopped him.
"Ren, what happened to the girl?"
He paused, shocked. Hux was curious. He turned away again, refusing to answer. Hux could wonder all he wanted.
Rey
She worked hard. With her baby on her back she practiced meditation and forms. Luke taught her more, and with her new purpose, she found new life.
Dreams still haunted her, but that was at night. More often than not she wake up from a bad dream—or a good one, any dreams were dangerous—and bring Leila to sleep with her. The smell of her sweet little baby was comforting, and lulled her into a dreamless sleep.
Most of the time.
So she trained, and trained, and trained. Leia warned her against it, so did Luke. Finn and Poe were worried. Even Chewie shook his head. They didn't understand her drive, her need. She wanted to make things right within the Force and within herself. This was the only way she knew how to do it.
But one day, everything changed.
Rey was sitting beneath a tree all alone with Leila, feeding her her afternoon meal. As Leila sucked eagerly at her breast, Rey sighed and leaned her head back against the tree's rough bark. She closed her eyes and focused on the warm, solid feeling of her baby in her arms, the sweet suckling at her chest that relieved the pressure of fullness.
But suddenly Leila stopped sucking, her rosebud mouth releasing Rey's rosy nipple. She gave a sweet coo, which was unusual. Leila was an uncommonly quiet and stoic baby. She looked down, puzzled, and then she herself felt it. It was like a wave of the Force hit them, warm and playful like the sea on a sunny day. Rey felt as if the weight of something dark had been lifted from her shoulders. Everything looked a little brighter. And the dark bitterness that resided deep within Rey shrank a little in size.
Something had changed.
Rey was frozen, in shock, until Leila cooed again, the sweetest sound a baby could make. Rey snapped into action, covering herself and rushing back into the barracks. Everything seemed normal. But Rey knew something was different. She knew. So she went straight to Luke's quarters.
As she entered the clean, grey apartment, both Leia and Luke looked up at her. Leia's face was streaked with tears, and Luke looked gravely serious.
"What is it?" Rey cried. "What's happened? I felt—"
Leia sat down, and Luke placed a hand on her shoulder, comfortingly. Leia's ornate hair and damask gown suddenly seemed to dwarf her. Rey was terrified, and all she could think about was Ren. Was he dead? What was that feeling? Why, why, why did she still fear for him?
But Luke gave Rey a small, reassuring smile.
"Somehow, some way, Snoke has fallen. He's dead." Luke gave a great big breath and met Rey's frightened eyes. "And we think Ren had something to do with it."