I SUCK AT UPLOADING!

It needed to be said. I said it for you. This chapter is a bit long. But I hope you enjoy it and I'll try to write more frequently.

38:

Bleeding Mascara

It'd been a week and still waking up in a jail cell was terrifying. It was closed in and small with no exit other than the tiny cell door. I closed my eyes and tried to keep the panic from erupting. The cot was smaller than I was used to. I longed for my queen-sized bed back in Woodbury.

My eyes snapped open.

I missed anything about Woodbury?

I sighed and sat up trying to not wake Daryl in the process. He snorted in his sleep and rolled over complaining about being it too noisy.

"The room is silent."

I mumbled at him as I got out of bed. I walked out of the cell and looked around. It was sweet that he went through the trouble of clearing our own place. It was a quiet area with no other inhabitants. I couldn't hear the others or the sounds of the outside. There were no windows, which meant no sunlight. I had gotten used to the morning sun warming my skin. I frowned and walked down the row of cells that was now my home.

"You don't like it?"

Daryl asked chewing his thumb. I missed him so much. But I hated that fucking habit.

"I love it."

I lied.

"You do not."

"I love being with you. I love the alone time we have together. But you have to admit that being holed up in a jail cell isn't exactly a romantic getaway."

"I'm sorry. Next time I'll try to book a flight to Hawaii while being eaten alive."

Daryl snapped. I opened my mouth to apologize but he had already left the area.

"Nice going."
I said sarcastically. I always seemed to fuck things up, especially with Daryl. I had finally found him and gotten him back and now he's mad at me.

I tried to find my way out of our little area but got lost on the way. Every area looked the same – rows and rows of jail cells.

I began to panic as I was running passed the same row of cells trying to figure out where our area was when I ran into Rick.

"Hey where are you going?"

He asked

"I'm not sure. I don't even know where I am."

"Daryl didn't show you around?"
"He's mad at me so I'm sure he'd love for me to get lost and run around like a fucking idiot for a few hours."

"He may be mad but I doubt he'd like that."

"You obviously don't know the Dixon temper."

"Follow me."
Rick said laughing.

I walked behind Rick making small conversation until we reached the main living area. The whole group was there talking strategy. I spotted Daryl standing off to the side of the group. We made eye contact for a moment and then I looked away. I was mad at him. Beyond mad. He was inconsiderate. He expected me to just adjust to prison life as quickly as he had. He expected me to be okay after such a long time apart. I'm not okay. Woodbury wasn't a happy time for me. I was miserable and wanted things to end. I hoped I'd die. I wanted to die because I'm not right for this new world. I'm a fragile girl, whether I liked it or not. I don't have what it takes to survive. I hate that about myself. I hate that I needed him and I couldn't find him. I hate that he knew I needed him and he gave up. He says he didn't but I wasn't that far away. I was right around the corner. Where was he?

I was being unfair and holding it against Daryl but it was beginning to hurt. This whole situation was beginning to hurt. I missed things that I didn't have anymore. I missed my bed. I missed the sun. I missed feeling like I mattered. I did things in Woodbury. Not very well, mind you. But I did things. I don't do anything here. I get lost coming out of our jail cell and get bored being stuck inside all day. I longed for the sun but Daryl refused to let me outside right now. It was just too "dangerous". My safety was at risk but just breathing lately. I missed the independence I had.

Daryl had been gone with Rick on a run for a few days and I had tried to sneak outside but they had left Hershel in charge. And he agreed with Daryl. I was not safe outside yet.

"Why the hell not?"

I yelled when I was caught for the third time trying to sneak out.

"I believe he calls himself the Governor?"

"That's why I'm trapped like a prisoner? The Governor?"

"I know it seems unfair. But there are people who love you here and would die if something were to happen to you. I think Mr. Dixon has become quite fond of you."

"He's become over protective."

I growled and walked away into the kitchen area. Beth was sitting one of the bar stools in the kitchen.

"Hey."

She smiled.

"Hey."

"Why so gloomy?"

"Long story. I have a question though."

"Shoot!"

"Would there happen to be any bit of alcohol here?"

I twisted my fingers not able to make eye contact.

"You don't need that stuff."
She said frowning.

I sighed and nodded.

"What do you need it for?"
She asked confused.

"I just need a drink."

Explaining my growing frustration and depression would take too long and I really didn't feel like explaining it.

Beth looked around and sighed loudly.

"Check that floorboard. It's loose. It's under there. Maggie and I hid it. Dad's recovering, ya know."

My heart raced as I looked under the floorboard. There it was: a nearly full bottle of whiskey.

"Thank you."

I said grabbing it.

"Just be careful, okay?"

I nodded and smiled as I tucked the bottle under my arm and made my way back to our cell area.

I was getting better at finding our area. Finding my way out was a different story.

I cracked open the bottle and took a long drink from the bottle. The liquid burned my throat going down but it felt like the type of pain I needed right now. Liquid fire was what my father always called whiskey. He said it was the devil's liquid and would burn a hole in your throat if you let it. Right now, I would let it.

I took another long drink and felt the alcohol take hold of my sense. I was feeling like I was spinning and that just made me laugh like a mad woman. I grabbed the pillow and tried to muffle my laughing but it didn't work.

I took another drink and let go of how I felt. Fuck the sun. Fuck a bed. Fuck being useful. I was happy being half wasted in this prison we called home.

I heard footsteps down the hall and froze for a minute. My partially drunk brain thought it could be a killer. So I did the only thing a drunken girl could do: I hid under the blanket.

"Kay?"

It was a voice I loved that called my name. A voice that made my heart skip a beat and sent a shiver down my spine. It was Daryl.

"Kaydence?"

He called again.

"Shhhhh! It'll hear us!"
I slurred.

"What will hear us? Are you… Have you been drinking?"

"Have YOU been drinking?"

I asked still under the blanket.

"Kaydence!"

He shouted. I peeped my head out of the blanket and giggled at his angry expression. This only made him angrier.

"Where the fuck did you get alcohol?"

"Nowhere. I didn't. I haven't been drinking!"
I slurred.

"You're a shit liar!"

"You're cute when you're mad"

"What the fu… where is it?"

"Where is what?"
"Where is the bottle?"
"What bottle?"

Daryl growled in frustration and walked over to the bed.

"Kay, where is it?"

"You'll have to come under the blanket and find it!"

I hiccupped.

Daryl rolled his eyes but my drunken mind thought I saw a faint smile playing at the edge of his lips.

"Come here."
I whispered sneaking back under the blanket to take a sip of whiskey.

"I saw you take another drink."
He said in his annoyed voice.

"Want some?"

"No. I want you to stop drinking it."

"Well I want you under the blanket with me but you wont."

I pouted.

"Kaydence…"

"Daryl…"

"Don't do this."
"Why not? You've been gone for days! And I've been so lonely."
I frowned.

"You're drunk."

"You're sexy."

I think I saw the hardcore, badass, unemotional Daryl Dixon blush.

I slipped back under the blanket and slipped out of my shirt. The alcohol was making me daring. I popped back out from under the blanket and threw my shirt at Daryl.

"Come over."

I said trying to not hiccup.

"Don't make this so damn hard for me!"

"Why is it hard?"

"Cause you're basically stripping and begging me to join you in bed."
"What's so hard about that?"

"You're drunk."
"So?"

"It isn't right."

"Oh, now you care about what's right and wrong?"

"What do you mean?"

He asked irritated.

"You leave for days and days without even caring how I am."
"I have to go on runs. You know that."

"But do you also have to keep me trapped in hell?"

Uh-oh. Drunken mean girl Kaydence is coming out and I had no way of stopping her.

"You think this is hell?"

He sounded hurt. I begged my brain to stop but the alcohol had taken hold.

"You don't even let me go outside! You obviously hate it here. Or you hate being here with me because you're never fucking with me! You don't even let me take my clothes off near you! For fucks sake I thought I was something to you but I'm stuck here all the time inside and alone!"

I shouted.

"Because it isn't safe!"
"Why the fuck not?!"
"I've told you why."
"Because of the Governor? Because a man that I met for a short period of time would kill me?"

"Because he wants you back!"

"WHY?!"
"Because no one is allowed to leave Woodbury! You can't leave unless you're dead. Jesus fucking Christ Kaydence I don't like scaring you. He's looking for you. He wants you back or dead. He's not sane."

"Wait. What?"

The alcohol had scrambled my brain. He wanted me dead? He seemed so… not homicidal?

"He wants you dead. These runs are to keep you safe. Not so I can get away from you, stupid girl. I try to make you safe. I try to make you happy. I did all of this for us."

He said motioning to the jail area we lived in.

"I did it because I promised I'd take you away from all of this and I haven't been able to do that. I tried to be something other than distant with you but it obviously isn't fucking working."

I was stunned for a minute. I was so worried about myself that I didn't think about what he felt.

I suddenly felt embarrassed that I wasn't wearing a shirt. A draft came through the walls and I used the excuse to wrap my arms around myself to cover my exposed bra. I felt the tears prickle the back of my eyes and tried my best to close them before they spilled over.

I turned my back to Daryl and walked to the last cell in the row. I snatched the blanket off the cot and wrapped myself up in it. He walked over to me and put his arms around me. I rested my head on his chest and let the tears spill out. I felt ridiculous. I was so selfish.

"What's wrong?"
He asked awkwardly. Daryl always hated when I cry. He never knew why I was crying or what to do to help me. It was one of the things I loved about him. He was hopelessly awkward.

"I'm a terrible…whatever I am to you."

"A girlfriend?"

He asked with a small laugh.

"Am I still your girlfriend?"

"Do you want to be?"

"Do you want me to be?"
I asked shyly.

"Why wouldn't I want you to be?"
"Because I'm a selfish drunken girl with no shirt on."

"Maybe I like selfish drunken girls with no shirt on."

I could hear a smile in his voice but still couldn't look at him.

"I'm serious, Daryl. I feel like things have changed and it's scary. It's pathetic that I'm about to admit how much I need you. But I do. I need you. I can't survive alone and I don't want to survive without you."

"Why is it pathetic to admit you need me?"
"Because you don't need me."

"What?"

"Don't make me say it again."

Daryl lifted my chin and forced me to look at him.

"I need you."

He whispered.

"You do not."

"I do, Kaydence."

"How? How could you possibly need a weak, frail girl like me?"

"You are weak. You're impossibly stubborn. You make the shittiest choices I have ever seen."

"Thanks. I feel loads better now."

I said rolling my eyes.

"Let me finish. You're a magnet for trouble but I can't make it without you. You anchor me here and I don't feel so alone with you around. I love to hear you talk and giggle. Your smile is beautiful. You look incredible all the time and I am lucky that you haven't run from me yet … well, run from me because I'm a monster."
"You are not."
I protested.

"I need you because you keep me alive. I need you because I don't want to go back to feeling dead and empty inside."
He said roughly.

A smile crossed my lips as I realized that he still loved me. We haven't said it again since we found each other. Those three words haven't even been thought of but it was obvious he still loved me.

"Come here."
He said leading me back to our cell.

"What?"
"Where's the bottle?"

I sighed and reached under the mattress.

"Here it is."
I said taking one last drink.

"See why I can't leave you alone? You get drunk and seduce people."

He joked.

"Only you."
I laughed.

Indecision flashed across his face as he looked at the bottle. He frowned and then took a drink himself.

"You're gonna have to drink a lot to catch up to me."
I giggled falling onto the bed.

"I don't need to be drunk."

He joked.

"I'm not drunk. Well, not fully drunk."

I said as he leaned over me to kiss me lightly.

He hadn't kissed me like that in months. It felt like the first time we kissed. There was this tension that we both needed to release. We had spent so much time looking for each other, fighting to stay alive, fighting to stay together that we forgot to appreciate what we have.

"I wasn't done."

I pouted when he pulled away from my lips.

Daryl came closer and kissed me again, harder this time.

Maybe the alcohol made me more confident. Maybe I had just had enough of being a weak woman with no ambition. I took the blanket I had wrapped around me and threw it on the floor. I smiled shyly and let him inspect my body with his eyes. Indecision flashed for a second and then he made up his mind.

" I love you."
He whispered as he kissed my neck.

"Never leave me again, little girl."