Time passed uneventfully over the next few months. Sarah had filed a custody suit, but it was still in the preliminary stages. Jack's attorney was handling the details and he'd been told to just continue on with his every day life until he heard from him. Jack had caught glimpses of Sarah watching him coming and going from the hospital and he was fairly certain he'd seen her watching their home from a distance trying to catch a glimpse of Riley. He felt a twinge of guilt over denying her any contact with Riley, but her instability worried him too much to give in and allow them to be reunited.
Jack's life was busy and he worked hard to balance his professional life and his personal life, not always succeeding, but improving. After the confrontation with his mother he decided to meet with the woman who had given birth to him again. They met alone the first time over a lengthy lunch, talking and attempting to ease the tension between them. After their lunch, Jack invited her over to meet his family and while forging a mother and son relationship wasn't something either seemed all that interested in, they were becoming good friends, both seeming to fill a void the other had.
Sawyer and Claire fought more than they got along and Jack was growing weary of being caught in the middle. He liked Sawyer, had learned to accept him for what he was, but Claire was his sister and Aaron was his nephew and when Sawyer began dipping back into criminal activity they had a falling out, Jack strongly suggesting he either get his shit together once and for all or get out of all of their lives. Jack's stance with Sawyer became a source of contention between he and Kate the biggest fight of their relationship coming just a few weeks before their baby was due. Jack decided to come home in the middle of the day and surprise Kate, but was the one who got surprised when he found Sawyer in his living room massaging Kate's back.
Kate had been miserable the last few weeks, her lower back constantly hurting. Jack rubbing her back until she fell asleep had become a nightly routine, but hell would freeze over before he was going to allow it to become a routine with Sawyer. Jack went a little crazy and threw Sawyer out of the house and Kate didn't speak to him for three days afterward. They never came to any kind of agreement over the issue, Jack remained firm that he didn't want him around and Kate refused to dismiss him from her life so they ended up fighting any time his name was brought up.
It was late October, Julie was in school and Riley was changing daily. She was talking very well and begging to go to school too. Jack and Kate looked into a preschool for her, but they wouldn't enroll her until she was three years old so they had to wait until the following spring to let her start. The baby was due any time and Kate wasn't sure she'd last another day, her stomach so large she couldn't get out of a chair without assistance and her lower back so sore from carrying the extra load up front that the only relief she could get was when she'd curl up on her side and let Jack rub the soreness out. She'd tried allowing the jets in the Jacuzzi beat the soreness out of her, but found she couldn't get out of the tub by herself, Julie finally having to call Jack at the hospital to come home and lift her out.
They were lying in their bed, Kate wearing his sweats and his t-shirt, her large belly filling both out. Jack had fed the kids, bathed Riley and got her settled for the night. Jack usually ended up sleeping in Riley's room because she'd try to climb into their bed in the middle of the night and Kate was too miserable to have a toddler kicking her. Kate tired of his attention and pushed his hands away.
"I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help, but it's not helping tonight." Kate groaned.
"Can I do anything?" Jack asked.
"I read that having intercourse might put me into labor." Kate said.
"Kate, I'm not going to have sex with you just to put you into labor. That's not my idea of a good time." Jack argued.
"I haven't been your idea of a good time for quite awhile." Kate complained.
Jack ignored her crankiness. He knew she was miserable, the baby was in position and could come any day. According to her doctor he was a good-sized baby and the further down he dropped the more miserable Kate became. Jack had been watching her all evening, noticing that she'd gone to the bathroom six times in an hour and knew that she wasn't going to last more than another day or two if that. He wanted to help her relax, the nonstop pain in her lower back probably the early stages of labor.
"You haven't exactly been in the mood for intimacy and that's understandable so I've been trying to leave you alone." Jack said sweetly and kissed her neck from behind, his soft mouth and warm breath taking the edginess away.
"Who would want to be intimate with this? I'm a fat, swollen blob of uselessness. I can't even take care of Riley anymore." Kate complained.
"You're beautiful Kate. You probably don't feel beautiful, but you are." Jack said as he continued to kiss her neck.
He slipped his hand inside the t-shirt she was wearing, moving it gently over her swollen belly, the warmth and tenderness of his movements actually soothing to her. He slid his hand up and let it gently glide over her breasts, careful not to squeeze too hard, but just hard enough to soothe the tenderness in them. Kate began to relax into him, welcoming the gentle body massage he was giving her, feeling the warmth as she instantly grew moist for him.
It had been over three weeks since they'd had made love, neither having even attempted to initiate anything since the incident with Sawyer. The last few times they did make love she made him turn off all the lights and keep a sheet over them, too embarrassed by her body to allow him to see her naked. She'd even made Julie find her a robe to cover up with before she let her call Jack to rescue her from the Jacuzzi tub. Jack went along with whatever she wanted because he knew that pregnant women in their final trimester weren't rational creatures.
He continued to move his hands over her, surprised that she hadn't demanded he turn the lights off and get under the covers. He slid his hand down the back of the sweat pants she was wearing, enjoying the feel of her warm butt beneath his hand. He'd be the first to admit he'd missed undressing her and holding her naked body next to his, but he understood she felt self-conscious and didn't push the issue. He pulled the back of her sweats down taking the loose fitting maternity panties down with them, her bottom exposed to him for the first time in a long time, his response to it felt immediately against the front of his boxers. He brought his mouth down to her lower back and kissed his way down, landing soft kisses on her butt cheeks, enjoying the happy moan that was coming from her throat.
She rolled over onto her back and he sat up on his knees above her. She could see his semi-erect state and smiled at him, moving her hand to the front of his boxers and gently gliding her fingers over him, feeling him harden more with every little stroke. He helped her sit up and reached down to the bottom hem of the t-shirt she was wearing, ready to lift it off of her.
"Jack." She said softly.
"It's okay Kate. Trust me." He said and slowly pulled her shirt up and off.
She covered her breasts with her arms as he gently laid her back onto the bed. He carefully and patiently pulled her arms and hands away from her body, letting them rest flat on either side of her head. He looked down at her breasts and then her belly. He kissed her stomach and moved his fingers lightly over her nipples before bringing his mouth down to kiss her.
"I love you so much and you are always sexy to me." He said softly and kissed her deeply, continuing to caress her breasts, his erection hard and pressing against her, making her realize that the sight of her bloated body really wasn't a turn-off for him.
She let him continue to move his mouth over her, tensing up for a moment when she felt him pulling her pants and panties off of her, gliding his hands up and down the inside of her thighs as he positioned himself on his knees between her legs, bending them at the knees and convincing her to relax and just let them fall back. She did as he asked, exposing her center to him, her large belly extending like a wall between them. He started to bring his mouth down, to bring her pleasure in a way he was certain wouldn't cause her any pain, but she stopped him, looking at him with lust filled eyes.
"I need to feel you inside me." Kate pleaded.
"Kate, I don't think it's a good idea." Jack sighed wanting her as bad as she wanted him.
"Jack, the baby is coming any day now, what difference does it make?" Kate argued her arousal clouding her judgment.
"I don't want to hurt you." Jack resisted.
"You won't and if you do I promise I'll ask you to stop." Kate said.
Jack sighed heavily, knowing the worst that could happen at this stage is that it would hurt and might cause some bleeding and maybe even break the amniotic sac and put her into labor, but that she and the baby wouldn't be in any danger. He was having a hard time feeling excited about it though, worried that there was very little chance that she was going to find it pleasurable, but she was looking at him with those eyes and giving him that pretty little pout that left him defenseless so he removed his boxers and curled up beside her, gently helping her roll onto her side.
She could tell the anxiety of the situation had caused some deflation on his part and giggled at him.
"You do realize that laughing at my inability to get up and stay up for this could cause irreparable damage don't you?" Jack teased as she slowly rolled onto her other side so she could look at him.
"I'm laughing because you're so sweet. You aren't going to hurt me Jack, you could never hurt me. Lay back and relax." She said in a sexy tone as she worked his now soft cock in her hand.
She continued to whisper sexy, naughty things to him getting the result she wanted, but not fully. She finally began working him over with her mouth while he gently moved his hand over her bottom, slightly penetrating her with his fingers, his hand growing wetter as the fire he was creating in her grew hotter and hotter. The feeling of her wetness was all it took, the fear of hurting her gone from his mind, the need to make love to her growing strong as his full erection returned, making her smile and apply one final stroke of her tongue before sitting up and looking down at him.
"Do you want me to finish?" She asked.
"No, I'll finish this. Come lay down with me." He said in a soft, sexy, lustful tone
She lay down beside him, her back pressed against his chest. He lifted her leg and gently and slowly pushed himself inside of her about half way, afraid that full penetration would be too painful for her. He moved slowly in and out of her careful not to get carried away and thrust himself in too deeply. He moved his hand around to her front and gently massaged her, keeping himself propped up with his other arm, looking down at her face as she found release, her eyes closed tightly, head tilted back, pregnant belly and swollen breasts being pushed slightly upward with his gentle thrusts. He wished she could share the view and see for herself how beautiful a very pregnant woman caught in the thralls of ecstasy is.
He felt his own release building, but couldn't manage to get there, the anxiety of the pending birth and the fear of actually hurting her he guessed the reason it wasn't happening. Kate slowly came back down to earth and he stopped his thrusts, getting ready to pull away from her.
"Jack, I can't just leave you hanging." Kate told him.
"Yes, you can. I think I'm too tired to get over the hump. It happens." He said.
"It's never happened before. The sight of my body is keeping you from getting over the hump." She argued.
"That's ridiculous Kate." He argued back.
"So now I'm not only fat and ugly I'm ridiculous?" She shrieked.
"Kate, please, I understand you are miserable, but I promise you do not look like you feel." Jack said with just a hint of frustration.
"If I'm so beautiful why can't you come?" She huffed.
"Because I don't feel like it Kate, everything isn't about you. Jesus, I'm sorry I initiated this. That baby can't get here soon enough." Jack snapped finally losing his patience with her, feeling bad immediately.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." He said.
"Yes you did and it's okay. I know I've been a real pain in the ass. I feel like I don't have any control over my emotions anymore." Kate said.
"You don't. I'm sorry I didn't come, but it had nothing to do with you and it's not a big deal. I wanted to make you feel better, relieve some of your tension and discomfort. Want to cuddle up next to me naked like we used to?" He asked with a sweet smile.
"No, I've got to go to the bathroom again, but thanks and for what it's worth, I do feel a little better." She said.
He slipped his boxers back on and handed her the t-shirt he'd tossed to the floor. She put it on and he helped her step into the panties he'd pulled off of her and then watched her waddle into the bathroom. When she came back she looked at the sweat pants and sighed.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, I just don't feel like trying to bend over." Kate said and scooted herself onto the side of the bed.
"I'll help you put them on if you want." Jack offered.
"No, it's kind of warm, I'll just sleep in this t-shirt." Kate said.
They snuggled up together, her back pressed into him, but they didn't stay that way for very long. He'd lost count of the number of times she'd gotten up to go to the bathroom and was sitting up in bed with the light on when she came out the next time. He could see it in her face. She was in labor and probably had been for hours.
"Kate, why didn't you say something?" Jack asked.
"I wasn't sure, I mean it hurts and there is a lot of pressure, but I don't feel like I'm dying or anything so I thought that maybe I just had a stomach ache, but just now in the bathroom I pushed a little bit and it felt like something was coming out and the pain is getting really bad." Kate explained.
Jack swallowed hard and sat her down on the bed, ordering her not to move. He threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed the sweat pants she'd been wearing from the floor. He was just about to help her put them on when she clutched her stomach and rolled onto her side, panting hard against the pain. He took a quick peek half expecting to see his son's head emerging, but breathed a sigh of relief when that wasn't the case.
"I don't want to deliver this baby Kate so let's go while there is still time." Jack ordered, tossing the sweat pants on to the bed and picking her up.
He remembered Riley and set her back down. He entered Riley's bedroom, picked his sleeping daughter up, carried her down the hall and opened the door. He pulled the covers back and put Riley in bed with Julie. Julie looked up at him sleepily.
"Kate's having the baby, can you handle things here until I get back?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, we'll be fine." Julie said sleepily and closed her eyes making Jack chuckle.
He made his way back down the hallway to their bedroom and found Kate doubled over in the middle of another big contraction. Once she was through it he picked her up and carried her out to the car. He steered the car across the freeway with his left hand and held onto her hand with his right. She was squeezing his hand so tight he thought she'd broken every bone in it a couple of times.
"Hurry Jack, I think he's coming." Kate cried.
"We're almost there. No pushing." He ordered.
Jack stopped his car in front of the entrance to the emergency room, walked around to the passenger side, lifted Kate out and walked into the hospital. The nurses recognized him immediately and brought a wheel chair out for her.
"They're going to take you up Kate. I'm going to go park the car and I'll be right there." Jack told her.
"Okay, but if I were you I wouldn't spend a lot of time looking for a parking spot because I think he's about to be here." Kate panted through the pain trying to pull her legs together.
"Take her to an exam room and get someone to move my car. Page Dr. Jansen, let her know where we ended up. I've talked to her already and she's in the hospital some place." Jack ordered handing his car keys to the woman at the desk and following the ER nurse.
"Jack he's coming right now I can feel it tearing." Kate cried.
"Dr. Shephard where do you want to do this?" The nurse asked.
Jack looked around, spotted the empty gurney in the room three doors down, picked Kate up and carried her back to the room. He could feel his shirt and arm being soaked with amniotic fluid, her water finally breaking when he picked her up. He laid her on the gurney and the pain suddenly became unmanageable. She cried out, pulled her legs up and held her breath.
"Kate, it's going to be okay, try not to hold your breath." Jack coached as he tried to get her to straighten her legs back out.
"Oh god Jack it hurts so much, something is wrong." Kate cried.
"Everything is fine Kate, child birth without anesthetic is painful. Breathe Kate, you need to breathe, his heart rate drops every time you hold your breath." Jack continued to coach, perfectly calm, helping the nurse get a fetal monitor hooked to her.
"Here comes another one." Kate screamed and squeezed Jack's hand.
Another nurse entered the room and together they managed to get the t-shirt and panties off of Kate and get her into a hospital gown, while allowing Jack to remain on the expectant father side of the equation as much as possible. He would deliver the baby if he had to, but they knew he didn't want to, not because he was afraid, but because doctors prefer to separate their clinical life from their personal life.
"She's crowning Dr. Shephard and Dr. Jansen isn't answering her page." The nurse told him.
"Can you handle it?" Jack asked.
"Jack I'm scared, it hurts, it hurts so much, he's tearing me in half." Kate cried.
"I'm giving her a local anesthetic, but you're going to have to do the episiotomy Dr. Shephard." The nurse said, sticking the needle into the area around Kate's vagina.
"Ouch! What is that?" Kate asked.
"It's to numb everything down there so we can cut and make room for him to come out instead of letting you tear. Remember, we talked about this in those classes you dragged me to." He said smiling at her trying to get her to relax.
"I guess somebody just couldn't wait for the sun to come up huh?" Dr. Jansen's voice chimed in, the relief on Jack's face evident to everyone in the room.
"Cut that one kind of close Elizabeth." Jack commented.
"Me? A doctor of your caliber can't recognize that his wife is in labor in a reasonable amount of time?" She teased and began to assess the situation.
"That was my fault, I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure." Kate groaned as another contraction hit hard.
"That happens a lot with first babies so don't feel bad. I'm going to make a small incision Kate and when the next contraction hits I want you to push." Dr. Jansen told her.
Kate nodded and waited for the next contraction to hit. Jack held her up from behind while she pushed.
Four incisions and twelve pushes later a healthy 9 lb, 4 oz baby boy entered the world with a head full of light brown hair and a chubby little body. He cried immediately and didn't appear to have any intention of stopping for awhile. Dr. Jansen held him up so Kate could see him and asked Jack if he wanted to cut the cord. Jack took the scissors from her and cut where she directed, knowing full well where to cut, but enjoying just being the daddy in this particular procedure. The nurse cleaned the baby up a little, wrapped a blanket around him and handed him to Jack.
"That's a good looking boy Dr. Shephard." The nurse complimented.
"Thanks." Jack said consumed with emotion and unable to communicate anything more.
Jack put the baby in Kate's arms. She pushed the blanket away from his face so she could look at him.
"He's perfect." She said and kissed him gently.
"Does he have a name?" Dr. Jansen asked.
"He looks like a Jack Jr. don't you think?" Kate asked.
"No he looks more like his mother I think. What do you think, should we name him Kate Jr.?" Jack teased.
"I think whatever the two of you decide to name him will fine." Dr. Jansen agreed.
"Coward." Jack teased.
"I don't get in the middle of naming wars. Okay Kate, we need to let them take the baby up to the nursery while I put you back together and then we'll send you upstairs too." Dr. Jansen told her.
"Put me back together?" Kate asked.
"It's not as bad as it sounds. It'll take about 10 or 12 stitches and this is the part where most of my dads ask if I can put a couple extra stitches in for them." Dr. Jansen told her, the last part making both Kate and Jack laugh lightly.
"As long as she's down there Kate." Jack said in a suggestive teasing tone.
"Jack!" Kate protested.
He leaned in and kissed her gently.
"I love you." He said sweetly.
"Me too you." She replied in a breathy tone.
"Tired?" He asked.
"Excited, I feel like I could get up and run around screaming at the top of my lungs." She answered.
"It's 4:30 in the morning Kate, the other patients might not appreciate that." He said laughing lightly at how giddy she was.
"You should go upstairs with the baby." Kate told him.
"You don't want me to stay with you?" Jack asked.
"No, the fun and exciting part is over. Go and make sure the baby has all his fingers and toes and stuff." Kate insisted.
Jack kissed her one more time and left the room. He made his way up to the nursery and let himself in, monitoring every move they were making with his baby. They put him under the warming lights and Jack stood over him, watching him, his eyes closed tight, slowly working the pacifier in his mouth. He was a good sized baby, large chest and shoulders and chubby legs for a newborn. He decided he was the best looking baby in the nursery and then laughed at himself for actually comparing him to the other babies who were all of course just as precious as his son. He didn't know how long he'd been standing in the nursery watching the baby sleep when he heard the door open. He looked up to see Dr. Jansen approaching.
"You don't like him much huh?" Dr. Jansen teased.
"I always wondered what it would be like to experience this." Jack admitted with a smile.
"So, is it everything you dreamed it would be?" She asked.
"No, it's better than anything I ever imagined. How's Kate?" Jack asked.
"She's resting. We had a bit of a problem delivering the placenta so I gave her something for pain. It knocked her out." She answered.
"But she's okay." Jack said more of a statement than a question.
"We're monitoring the blood loss, keeping her legs up, she'll be fine, it's a common complication. You should go home Jack, get some sleep. She'll be out for awhile." She suggested.
"Elizabeth, I appreciate you not saying anything about the name thing." Jack said.
"It's not my place Jack, but why wouldn't you just tell her why you don't want to make him a junior?" She asked.
"No reason, I just prefer not to go there I guess." Jack said.
"It's about the same time of year isn't it?" She asked.
"Tomorrow." Jack answered.
"Well, good luck Jack. I'll stop by and check on all of you this afternoon." She said as she patted him on the shoulder and walked away.
Jack watched the baby sleep for a few more minutes and left. He checked on Kate, kissed her gently and left, hoping she'd catch up on some of the sleep she'd lost over the past few days. He got home just in time for both girls to wake up. He made them breakfast, drove Julie to school, made sure she had a ride home in case he got caught up at the hospital and spent the next few hours hoping that Riley would go down for a nap, so tired he felt sick.
They spent the evening at the hospital with Kate and the baby. Both were doing fine and would be released in a couple of days. The nurse came into the room to do her routine so Jack excused himself and walked out into the hallway with Riley sleeping soundly on his shoulder, finally taking the nap he'd been waiting for all day. He recognized the woman at the nursery window and wasn't sure whether to feel angry or sad. He approached her and spoke softly as soon as he was right beside her.
"Hey." He said.
"Jack, you scared me." The woman said.
"What are you doing here? I mean is there a baby in there not named Shephard that you're here to see because if not, do I need to be concerned?" He asked.
"Have I ever done anything to hurt you Jack?" The woman asked.
"No you haven't, but you are Sarah's mother and because of me you haven't been able to see your granddaughter so if I were you, I'd probably have a problem with me." Jack told her.
"You'd let me see her if I asked, I have no doubt about that. I love my daughter Jack, but I know she's created this mess. I begged her to try to make things work with you, to get counseling, but….well, that doesn't matter anymore. She's getting big." She said as moved her hand lightly over Riley's back.
"Why haven't you asked to see her, Riley, how come you never come around?" Jack asked.
"She must be a very confused little girl Jack. It wouldn't do her any good to be around people or places that are familiar to the life she had with Sarah. If she were at my house she'd be wandering from room to room looking for her mommy." She said sadly.
"I'm sorry. This isn't fair to you. Maybe we can work something out." Jack said.
"He's a beautiful baby. What's his name?" She asked.
"Braden Scott". Jack answered.
"That's a nice name." She sighed.
"I don't mean to be rude, but why are you here?" Jack asked.
"She took off Jack." She said, her voice quivering.
"Who took off?" Jack asked.
"Sarah. I think she's losing it Jack. She's been watching you, watching Riley, watching your family. She followed you to the hospital, waited until you left and then stood outside this nursery window watching your son until I came and pulled her away." She told him wiping away the tear that had managed to find its way down her cheek.
"What am I supposed to do? Stop living because she has?" Jack snapped.
"No, of course not, I'm just worried about her Jack. She hasn't been home since I found her here and I don't know where to look for her. She's depressed. She needs help. When she takes her medication she is fine Jack, a good person and a good mother to Riley. She wanted to try to work things out with you before you left for Sydney, but you were so angry when she told you Riley was yours that she decided it could wait until you got back, until you weren't so distracted with the problems with your father. Of course you never came back and when she heard your plane went down she just gave up, stopped taking her medication, stopped going to therapy and that mother of yours played it for all she could." She explained through her tears.
Jack pulled the woman into his chest with his free arm and hugged her.
"I'm sorry. I don't know how to help Sarah. If I'd known how to help either one of us our marriage probably wouldn't have fallen apart, but it did and I'm over it. I'm happy and married to someone that doesn't want or need me to know all the answers, or to always be able to fix things. As much as Sarah used that against me, she needed that, expected it from me and when I couldn't fix us she tossed me to the side, didn't even try and the worst part was she wouldn't tell me why she didn't want to try." Jack said surprised by the amount of unresolved pain he still carried around with him over the situation.
"I know she hurt you Jack and you have right to hate her, but I'm so worried about her. What should I do?" She asked.
"I don't hate her, I hate what she's become. Look, I'm sure she just needs to be alone and will be back soon. If she doesn't show up in a couple of days call me and I'll see what I can do to help." Jack offered.
The woman hugged Jack one more time and he bent down so she could kiss Riley, strongly suggesting that she call him so they could make arrangements for her to spend some time with Riley. He spent a little more time with Kate before saying good night and taking the girls home. Riley was wide awake by the time they got home and Jack was so tired he was falling asleep sitting up. Julie was doing her homework when she looked up and saw Riley standing in the doorway to her bedroom.
"Hey cutie, where's your dad?" Julie asked.
"Daddy's sleeping." Riley said in a quiet voice.
Julie got up from her desk, picked Riley up and began searching for Jack. She found him in the family room, sitting on the couch sound asleep. Julie retrieved a pillow and a blanket from the linen closet, convinced him to lie down with very little prodding on her part and covered him with the blanket.
"Looks like it's you and me squirt and since tomorrow is Saturday I guess the homework can wait." Julie said and took the little girl back upstairs with her.
Jack woke up the next morning and sat up quickly. He looked around the room trying to get his bearings. He focused in on the clock across the room, it was almost 8 AM. His thoughts then turned to Riley and he bolted off the couch and ran upstairs to look for her. When he didn't find her in his room or her room he began to panic, but was calmed quickly when he stuck his head into Julie's room and could see Riley's little head barely peeking over the top of the covers beside Julie.
He walked back downstairs slowly, made coffee and took his time waking up. An hour later both girls were still sleeping. He walked back into Julie's room and gently shook her until she looked up at him.
"I have something I need to take care of, can you baby sit for a little while?" Jack asked.
"Sure." Julie yawned, turned over and went back to sleep.
He looked down at Riley still sleeping soundly and wondered why she would never sleep this late for him. He left the house and drove away in his car. He'd been deep in thought the entire drive and was a little startled when he realized he'd arrived at his intended destination and couldn't really remember how he'd gotten there. He turned the car toward the opened gates that led into the cemetery and followed the winding road deep into the rows of monuments before slowing and finally stopping. He looked through his windshield at her sitting quietly on the stone bench staring off into nothingness. He knew this is where she'd be, for all he knew she'd been here all night. He quietly exited his car and walked toward her. He stopped at the bench that had the name Shephard carved into it and she moved over to make room for him. He sat beside her and looked at the small monument in front of them.
Jack Shephard Jr.
Infant son of Jack and Sarah Shephard
October 29, 2002
He stared at the cold stone reminder of what had been the final blow to their marriage, remembering their differing point of view on how the death of their unborn child should be handled, him wanting to avoid any emotional ties and donate the body to science and her demanding the small, not fully formed fetus be given a name and a proper burial. He was fully formed on the outside, just grotesquely small, but to her it was her baby, the baby she held and cried over until he finally managed to pry its stiff, cold, lifeless body from her arms, sick with grief himself, but trying to hold it together for her sake.
They'd planned on naming their son after him and he could admit he like the idea of having a small replica of himself running around sharing the same name so when their dreams came crashing down and she still wanted to give their dead son his name he went along with it, numb and a little dead himself, his baby gone and losing his wife a little more each day.
This was the first time he'd been to the grave since they buried him and there hadn't been a monument in place yet. He continued to stare at the piece of stone protruding from the ground, a gentle image of a lamb to the side of the name carved into it and he began to experience the loss all over again. The loss of his child, his wife and his desire to be a husband or a father and he could feel the tears welling up, the tragedy of the situation overwhelming him, knowing that it didn't have to be so damn tragic, the he could've tried harder and been more supportive. He put his arm around her and tugged gently until she laid her head on his shoulder and they sat together and cried over everything they had lost and when they were done they stood and he walked her to his car.
They drove to a restaurant where he bought her lunch and drinks and they had the first civil conversation they'd had in a long time. She looked tired, obviously sleep deprived and emotionally spent. He drove her home and walked her into her house. He checked on Riley and Julie and then Kate before agreeing to sit and talk with her awhile longer. He watched her carefully trying to determine if she was as confused and neurotic as her mother seemed to think. He had no doubt that Sarah was suffering from depression, but the severity of it was what he questioned and if she was bouncing back and forth, on medication one month and off the next it would explain her irrational behavior of late. She brought him a glass of wine and one for herself and sat beside him.
"Sarah, we've had quite a few drinks already, maybe we should cool it." Jack suggested.
She ignored him and took a sip of her wine.
"I saw your son Jack, he's beautiful." Sarah said.
"Thanks." Jack said.
"He looks just like Riley did, except her hair wasn't quite as dark or thick." Sarah said sadly.
"Sarah, I know you miss her, but you forced my hand. I don't understand what you expected me to do, I never understood what you expected me to do, ever." Jack blurted out, frustrated that they'd talked about everything but Riley and the reason why Sarah wouldn't fight to save their marriage.
"It was my fault." Sarah said softly.
"What was your fault?" Jack asked.
"The baby, it was my fault he died." Sarah said.
"Sarah, it wasn't anyone's fault." Jack told her.
"No, I did it. I was trying to hang the curtains in the nursery. You told me to leave it, that you'd do it, but you never had time so I decided to do it and I fell. I fell and I killed our son and if only you ever could've been around, could've done something as simple as hang some curtains things would've been different. How could I fight for our marriage Jack when I blamed you and you never being around as much as I blamed myself?" Sarah cried.
"Sarah, why didn't you tell me? God, why would you keep that to yourself all this time? There's no way to know whether or not a fall caused his death and even if it did, it was an accident and I would have gladly let you blame me every day if it would've helped you find a way to cope with it." Jack said.
"No you wouldn't, you shut down on me Jack, refused to even talk about another baby, refused to make love to me without a condom, you couldn't have handled knowing that I killed him." Sarah cried.
"I didn't shut down Sarah, I just wanted a break, time to heal, time to deal with the loss, but you just wanted to get right back on the horse, get busy Jack and get me pregnant again, you weren't being rational, and then it was just over. Do you have any idea how much that hurt Sarah? I knew we had issues, but to come home and find out you've been replaced in the bedroom, that your marriage means nothing anymore." Jack stressed his voice rising, the pain he was still carrying over the situation surfacing once again.
Sarah didn't respond, she just looked into his eyes and saw the hurt and betrayal in them, the pain that she had permanently etched into his heart. Jack had his faults, but he didn't deserve what she had put him through and although he didn't know it, she'd spent many a night crying herself to sleep over the pain she'd inflicted on him, the guilt consuming her, the look on his face the night she told him she'd been having an affair haunting her dreams. A part of her wanted him to hurt as much as she did, wanted him to feel as dead inside as she did and she guessed that betraying him and hurting him was her way of accomplishing that.
She put her hand on the side of his face and even though he sensed what was coming next he made no effort to stop it and when her mouth closed over his he froze for only a moment before opening his mouth and kissing her back, his mind lost in the emotion and the wine, his body responding to her just as it always had as he pushed her back onto the couch cushions, the love he tried to deny, tried to convince himself he no longer felt for her bubbling back up from the depths he'd repressed it to and just when he was about to give in to all of it, was ready to take her into the bedroom and make slow, sweet love to her, the cell phone in his pants pocket began vibrating.