Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I am just using the names that she created for her wonderful story.

This story was pre-read and beta'd by the wonderful X-NessieCullen-X. Special thanks to you, my dear, for making this not so pretty story of mine a little more shiny ;)

Chapter 38

Dark Thoughts and Baby Blues

Edward stared in reverence at his baby daughter as she balled her tiny fists and opened her mouth in a tired yawn. "You've been through a lot today haven't you, peanut? Just do me a favor and don't get hungry right away...your mama's been through a little bit more and she really needs her rest."

The baby stuck her whole hand into her mouth and opened her eyes a little farther than he'd seen her do it before. Her eyes were so much greener than his but he had heard that was normal in babies, that their eye color would be more brilliant than an adult's. He wondered if they would eventually match his own. Running a finger over her baby-fluff hair, he smiled at her and she made content cooing sounds. The fluff was a dark brown without a hint of bronze and he hoped that she would grow up with Bella's dark, mahogany hair.

Her little face went into a bit of a pout and Edward braced himself for the sheer cry of a newborn to cut through their little, happy moment. Kissing her onesie-covered tummy, he began to hum to her and eventually let words come. They were soft, soothing words and he realized they just came to him easily; it wasn't something he had written down or rehearsed.

When he really thought about it, he had changed almost as much as Bella. While Bella had gone from a hardened, independent yet un-trusting woman to a softened lover and mother, he had gone from a real asshole to a family man. Ally had once told him that his voice was what made people realize he was full of more than anger but when he wrote music and sang at the club with Em and Jazz, the lyrics were still kind of dark.

His life had been dark. He didn't need Esme to remind him all those times that she had, that he had lashed out many times when it wasn't necessary. He'd never admit it to her but his father's absence was ridiculously frustrating when he was growing up. Working at a night club kept Carlisle away a lot of nights and made cause for sleep most of the days when he was actually home. Esme had always had to step up and play the role of both parents. It wasn't until Edward got older that he understood why his dad was never around but by then it had been too late. His entire life it was him helping Esme take care of his family. Emmett was older but definitely not as mature. Ally was too full of life and Edward had done everything in his power to keep her from feeling Carlisle's irritating absence.

A tear ran down his cheek before he even realized his eyes were watering. He really fucking missed her. To look down at his tiny daughter and think that his sister, who had such a huge part in his life would never hold her or even be there for his wedding made him sick in the stomach. Sure, he became angry when he shouldn't. Sure, he quit school because drinking had been a big part of his life and he opted to just help out his brother. Still, it was him who moved Ally into her dorm room when she'd gone off to school, picked Emmett's business back up when things went downhill financially before Edward gave up on school, and had been there for his mother to cry on his shoulder all the nights Carlisle didn't come home when he said he would.

Seeing a child that he created in his arms made him realize that he did make mistakes over the course of the past few years but he knew he was a different person now. His beautiful, broken Bella had made him realize that it was okay to do something for himself. She was what he wanted. Feeling an insane amount of emotions inside of him, he had trouble keeping his focus on one thing. He missed his sister. He loved Bella. He would do anything for the little girl now sleeping in his arms. Putting his head back, he let the tears come as he let memories of Alice come back to him.

Memories of protecting Alice throughout her life brought Bella to mind. When he was drinking and thinking he was happy dating Janie...and just simply being irresponsible, Bella was literally in a hell he wouldn't wish on anyone. Fighting down the anger that came to him anytime he thought of what was done to her before he met her; he tried to remind himself that he had her now. She was safe. Alice wasn't, though. He began to hate himself for bringing his sister back into this. He was driving himself crazy.

The jingling of a collar got him to look towards the stairs where he found Bella and Diesel watching him. She looked sad. Of all things, sadness was not something she should be feeling on a day like today. Trying to slide his hand out from under Allison to wipe his eyes, he did little more than wake her up. She let out a cry and that brought Bella right over to them. Lifting her shirt up, she pulled her bra cup down and took Allison from him. As he watched Bella feed his daughter, it took a minute for him to realize he was still crying. Christ, Cullen, could you be more of a baby about this right now?

Once Bella was settled in, she reached her hand out and rubbed Edward's arm. "What's wrong?"

"A lot," he nodded honestly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry..."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he frowned.

"I should have realized it's going to take a while before you're comfortable with her."

"It's not about Allison. Bella, I loved her. I want to take care of her. It's just...now that she's here...it's reminding me of..." he let his voice trail off as he tried to put his thoughts in order and was again unsuccessful.

"The people who aren't?" Bella finished quietly.

"Yeah." He flinched as his voice cracked. It was Bella he had expected to be emotional. The girl hadn't even had a freak out during the birth. He really fucking loved her.

"Edward, your sister would have been," Bella paused and shook her head, allowing her own tears to come for a second, "so damn proud of you. She wouldn't have batted an eye when you told her you got me pregnant. She would have been happy for us. I'm sure she's up there watching you and loving her new baby niece..."

A sob tore through his body as he listened to Bella's voice. "I'm sorry..." he blurted, wiping at his tears again.

"I don't know exactly who you were before we got together but from what I hear, you definitely weren't the same person you are today. I don't want you to have to change yourself to be with me. If you want to drink, do it. If you want to smoke, just don't do it around Allison. If you want to pick fights...well...that you'll have to do a lot less of still because I'll be super mad if you end up in jail. Again." Bella was smiling, trying to make him feel better and it was kind of working.

"I love you."

"I love you, too. If there's something I think we've learned over the past few months, it's that my fears and my past are here to stay. I thought I overcame it but I didn't and I probably never completely will. It's okay to still be who we are. We're not perfect. I don't want you to change your entire life because of me. I still want you to be able to get the education you want, I want you to be able to see your family, and I want you to still be that no bull...crap...guy that I fell in love with. You've moved so far from everyone for me and I still wish your family was closer to you."

"I am really excited to see everyone. Em especially."

"Why don't you go stay with them after we get settled in with Allison?"

"I'm not ready to leave you guys yet. I won't be for a while."

"Well, when she's a little older, we'll make it a priority, okay?"

"You're my family, too, ya know. When she's a little older, we'll all go visit."

"Well, that kind of reminds me of something," Bella smiled but then became a little distracted as she positioned the newborn to burp her. "I kind of want to have the wedding out there."

"Really? My mom would love that..."

"Yeah. I've actually been talking to Tyler about it and he's really excited. I know he'd help me find a good venue and everything."

Edward couldn't help but laugh when he thought of the role Bella might have Tyler playing in the wedding. "So, um, do I need to break the news to Jazz that he'll be escorting Ty down the aisle that day?"

Bella laughed in earnest as well before shaking her head. "No. He might get the chance to escort an older woman, though..."

"Really? Who?"

"I was kind of thinking about Liz. I know it's a little unconventional but she's the one I rely on and who I spill all my secrets to, even now when she lives pretty far out there. Do you think she'd be willing to be my maid of honor?"

"I bet she'll be honored. It's very nice of you to ask. Plus, Jazz could do a lot worse..."

Bella loved how Edward was with their daughter. At first, she was worried he wouldn't be able to handle it. While he had been with Tommy a lot, it was different when it was his own child. He called into work to tell them what was going on and they told him to take a week off and that he'd be put onto a regular schedule when he came back. Bella was glad for the time with him and was excited to see his family the next day. Knocking on the door a little later mad the sounds of her parents coming in quietly also had her breaking out in a smile. Charlie had yet to see his granddaughter.

Watching Edward hand his daughter to Charlie brought tears to Bella's eyes and made her sniffle when Charlie teared up as well. Edward's arms came around Bella and kissed her cheek. "I love you."

"I love you, too. She's so beautiful."

"I know. She's absolutely perfect, Bells. Thank you."

"Huh? For what?"

"Giving her a good start. Taking care of her. Thank you."

"It took two to create her, Edward. I should be thanking you..."

"Well, we have pizza," Renee smiled, heading into the kitchen. "Bella, I also have a little present for you, honey," she added as the group followed her in.

"Mom, you didn't have to," Bella said as Edward helped her into a kitchen chair and brought her over a slice of pizza. Renee handed her a pink gift bag. Opening it up and pulling out the tissue paper, Bella smiled when she saw what it was, a crocheted baby blanket that was obviously done by hand. "This is beautiful! Did you make this? I didn't know you knew how to crochet..."

"No. I didn't. That was always you and your Gram's thing."

Bella smiled as she thought about the days she had worked on her own blankets with her grandmother. The last one she made had been... The smile faded immediately. These colors were not colors of a normal baby blanket; it was only the size that gave it away. The dark blue, purple and greens were woven differently at the one side but not the other. It had been so long ago, she had completely forgotten about it. Her hands began to shake.

"Bella?" she heard Edward asking as if he was scared.

She couldn't catch her breath to reassure him but managed to get out one, questioning word, "Mom?"

Renee was crying now and Bella felt she'd be crying herself if she could get her brain to function. "You had left it at her house the last time you were there. She felt the need to finish it for you. It was originally made with the intention of giving it to a charity that took baby blankets for babies in the hospitals but then she got sick and..."

"Oh, mom," Bella choked out. "I didn't even...what happened to her?"

"Breast cancer, love. She was diagnosed a few months after you were...gone. She fought for two years and when she was stuck in bed towards the end, that's all she'd want to work on. I couldn't give it away after she passed and I found it when we were cleaning things out. I held onto it and when I found out you were here and alive, I've wanted to give it to you but couldn't figure out how. I'm sorry if it upsets you now...maybe I should have waited but it means more now that there's another generation in our family..."

Bella was aware that Edward was now rubbing her arms from behind her and Charlie was trying to pretend he was too absorbed by Allison to notice the situation. Then again, he probably wasn't having too much trouble pretending. "This was really amazing," Bella reassured her mom.

"I didn't know you could crochet," Edward smiled, reaching down to run his fingers over the yarn.

"I don't know if I could still do it but I used to sit with my grandmother for hours working on it. My dad's mom was amazing. Mom wasn't very close to her mom but Grammy Swan kind of accepted her as her own. She was an amazing woman."

Charlie sniffled a little and Bella refused to look at him. He'd hate if she saw him cry over this. "Mom, thank you. I love it. I'm sure Allison will love it, too. We should eat...I'm starving..."

Taking a bite of the hot pizza, Bella moaned a little and closed her eyes. She'd definitely worked up an appetite earlier and had not been in the mood to eat before. As sore as she was, that one bite of pizza was absolutely what she needed. So, when another knock on the door sounded, she couldn't help but frown a little. Edward just laughed, obviously having picked up on her mood, and said he'd answer it. Seconds later, he came back in carrying two casserole dishes and a bowl.

"Bells, some of the ladies from the neighborhood are here. They'd like to say hello. I didn't want to ask them in if you felt too uncomfortable..."

"No. Bring them. That's really, really sweet of them!"

Two white-haired women came into the kitchen following Edward with wide smiles on their faces. "How are you feeling dear?"

"A little sore but very happy," she said as Charlie handed her Allison. "Edward and I...well, we all love her so, so much already."

"Well, when we heard you had the baby when we ran into Renee at the store, we just had to bring some stuff over for you and your family."

"Oh, would you like to hold her? She seems healthy and we have an appointment with the pediatrician tomorrow but could you possibly wash your hands first? I just worry about germs and..." she let her voice trail off as the ladies both made a move for the kitchen sink like they were on a mission. With clean hands, they passed the baby around and cooed at the infant. Edward seemed a little tense but they soon handed her back to Bella and he seemed to calm down.

"Such a cutie," one of the ladies said. "She takes after her daddy..."

Bella couldn't contain her laughter at that and Edward's entire face turned red. Renee was trying to stifle her laughter as well when Allison began to cry. While all she wanted was that pizza, her daughter eating had to be more important. To her mortification, she could feel her milk letting down and she had not thought to put any pads in her bra. Feeling emotional, and like someone who didn't know what she was doing, tears stung her eyes.

"Thank you, ladies," Bella managed to force a smile as she stood and went with her daughter up to the nursery.

Edward came up a few minutes later with Renee in tow, obviously Charlie was not comfortable coming with them and Bella was thankful for that. "You okay?" Edward asked quietly.

She nodded and took a deep breath. Allison was dozing in and out of sleep and would latch and unlatch as she did so. Bella just wasn't able to break the bond between them even though this had been going on for almost fifteen minutes now. "Honey, if you need anything, you just have to ask," Renee told her softly.

"I know. I'm just...I need some time." I'm pathetic. I have all the help I could need. I have a wonderful man who wants to be there for his daughter. There is nothing wrong with Allison, she's here and safe. Why the hell do I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin?

"I know it's a lot to take in, baby. Just try to relax and enjoy your little one. Is there anything at all that needs done? I've put the food away that was brought over and I brought everything that belonged in here up from the bathroom earlier. Do you need me to stay tonight?"

"Mom, I'll be fine. Thank you, though. I'm just very tired and very sore. Just sitting here hurts."

"Alright," Edward said stepping in. "Let's get Allison settled for the night and get you into bed where you can lay down. Your dad took Diesel for a walk. I think he realized the dog is still following you around like crazy and you don't need added stress right now."

Bella began to cry again. For no reason. "Bells, get some sleep. We'll be by tomorrow. Edward's family will be here in the morning and I told him I'd pick them up from the airport and bring them here. I took off work tomorrow."

After a hug and a kiss and a goodnight to her granddaughter, Renee left and Bella reluctantly handed Allison to Edward. The little girl stayed asleep as Edward gently laid her in the bassinet in their bedroom and helped Bella change. She felt completely self-conscious and when he realized that, he just made sure she had her change of clothes and made sure she'd be okay before heading downstairs. Diesel came in ten seconds later and watched her dress before nuzzling her hand with his nose. As she decided to pet him before climbing into bed, Edward appeared with a plate of pizza and a glass of milk.

Then it began. More tears. "I love you," she said with a sob.

"Bella, you're exhausted. You did so well today, baby. You have to be hungry so you eat and relax and then we'll both head to bed. I'm sure this quiet won't last long."

"Your family is coming tomorrow! I need to..."

"Sleep. I'm not budging on this. You get more anxious when you're tired like this. I don't want to see you end up with a panic attack because of it. I'll make sure everything is cleaned up to your liking in the morning but you need to talk care of you Come on."

"I don't feel right."

"Physically? Bella, I know you don't want to but if I have to take you to the..."

"No! It's not like that. I just feel... I honestly don't know how to describe it," she sighed, taking a few bites of the pizza.

"You've had an emotional day. Helene said you're more prone to being anxious when you have days like this...even if it's good emotion."

"Edward? Unless you have tend to Allison tonight, can you please not leave me alone? If I have a nightmare, wake me up. I have a bad feeling about tonight."

"Of course," he said. When her plate was empty he took it back and set it on the dresser. "We'll deal with that tomorrow."

As he got undressed and climbed under the covers with her, she got as close to him as she possibly could and breathed him in. The feeling of safety flooded her until she remembered something. He must have felt her stiffen because he asked her what was wrong. "I don't know what to do about tomorrow. I can't believe I didn't think of it. I think I know why I'm so upset."

"Why?" he asked, generally confused.

"Allison's appointment. God, what kind of mother am I? How can I not take my newborn infant daughter to the doctors?"

"We're going tomorrow. What do you mean?"

"I don't know if I can go with you guys..."

Recognition flickered across his face and he frowned. "We don't have to go right away. Annie said that she seems perfectly healthy and she's been eating well. We can wait a little longer..."

"No. I need to know she's okay."

"Just rest and you can decide tomorrow. If you can't, and that's fine, my mom and Renee will be happy to come with me."

"I want to go," Bella said stubbornly.

"Then come with us. Please just go to sleep. You can decide tomorrow."

As Bella began to sniffle, they both knew why she was so upset this time. The first trip out of the house for Allison was supposed to happen and she would miss it. This appointment was important to Bella and yet she didn't know if she could handle it. She knew she wasn't normal and when she thought of this just being yet another effect of what happened to her, it was nearly unbearable. Edward didn't say a word as he just held her tighter than was necessary and hummed to her softly until she fell asleep.

Thank you so much for all the feedback-even those of you who replied twice ;) lol I seriously freaking love you! I'm having some problems with the next chapter, having trouble deciding if I want to leave it the way it is or not. So, while I'm busy working at it, it would be lovely to hear from you-and definite motivation! I'm glad you are all excited that the little one has arrived :) Please review this one and let me know what you think! Letzy xx