Renee was harsh in the last chapter but it's life. How does Bella take it...? Read on!
Chapter thirty-six.
I blinked back the tears that were pooling in my eyes. The words were harsh and sharp. I felt each one of them slicing through me, leaving deep wounds.
"No man would want a woman who is such a dead end", said Renée, standing up, "they'd want someone whole, not you, Isabella. I'm sorry, but not you."
My mind instantly reversed and twisted around. There was a lump in my throat. I closed my eyes for a couple of seconds but then opened them again.
"Edward would want me", I whispered, determined to convince myself that. My voice was fierce but sounded so unconvincing. My mother didn't look convinced either.
"Are you sure about that?" Renée asked, staring straight at me. Her body was twisted so that her face looked directly at mine, "I'm not trying to be mean or harsh Isabella, I'm just being realistic. He's a young, handsome man. He could have any woman he wants, any whole woman he wants. Why would he settle for half and incomplete when he could have someone who'd give him a proper family?"
"He's not like that", I cried out, shaking my head, "you don't know Edward. He loves me. And I'm not incomplete. You're ruining everything! Go away!"
"I'm just making you see sense", said Renée quietly before heading towards the door. She paused, her hand on the handle and said, "Have you told him yet?"
My chest was heaving up and down from my panting. I didn't want to answer that question but my mother seemed to be waiting for an answer. She turned around and walked back towards me, placing the picture she held back into my hand.
A mother and her newborn baby. Something that I could never do.
"Don't cling on to dreams when reality is the world you live in", she whispered, before exiting my room quietly. At that moment, the urge to slap my mother across the face never felt so strong. But I gritted my teeth and wept instead.
--
I remembered days before Edward and I had confessed our feelings to eachother. I would spend all my spare time either with him or this very room. My plain little room where I'd be crying the majority of times I spent here. I would crawl into a corner and cry at every single insult that was thrown at me. Maybe the next day I would tell Edward. He'd hold me and tell me I was pretty, he'd tell me I was worth it, he'd tell me that he was there.
If I was with Edward, I tried as much as I could to explain how horrible my life really was. He tried to understand but I doubted he could grasp the full concept. Edward was my everything. Edward was my rock.
As soon as Renée left the room, I felt everything around me shift. Her words dug a deep hole inside of me and I was determined not to cry. I didn't want her words to get to me. She was my mother, my mother, how could she have said something like this? It was possible that her only daughter might not be able to have children and those are the words she picks to say?
I thought if I had children, I would never treat them the way I had been treated. But that thought was when I was weak and crying, not when I had imagined having a family. But I wouldn't be able to now, would I?
My thoughts wondered back to Edward and the fact that I hadn't told him. He probably knew that something was up but I blamed it on the pain in my stomach. To be honest, that was aching quite less and less now. I consumed the daily dosage of my given medicine and the pain would keep to a minimum.
Would Edward mind? Would he care?
Shouldn't I care?
Still, whether I was mad at my mom or not for saying such harsh things, I couldn't say it was a first. Insults, threats and wounding conversations were the only ones I ever had with my family. Because I was never perfect. I was never right.
And now, according to dear mother of mine, I wasn't whole.
I scoffed as I rolled to my side, James would have a field day if he heard this conversation. I didn't know what the hell was the matter with him and to be honest, I couldn't care. I didn't have time to care, not right now. I just hoped he would be ok.
--
Edward's POV.
On Friday morning I woke up at half past six to call Bella immediately. Firstly, to wish her a happy birthday and secondly to apologise for the millionth time about not being able to pick her up for school that day.
Oddly, she sounded ok about walking to school instead of getting a ride from me but I didn't take that much into account.
I had to get things set up for Saturday, hopefully if my plan went according to plan she'd be moving in with my this weekend. But then again I could just be letting my ego run wild.
Bella might not want to move in with me. She might not trust me enough.
Let's just pray that's not true.
--
The day zoomed by and I had to run around town, going to Alice and Jasper's place to collect a present from them that I don't think Bella knew she'd be getting. She wasn't very good at accepting gifts.
After that, Emmett insisted that I bought something and say that it was from him since he forgot about her birthday and was reminded about it. I told them all that Bella wouldn't care if she got nothing from them; in fact she barely knew my family after all.
I went to college in the afternoon and by the time I had gotten home at the end of the day, I was absolutely knackered. Still, the apartment was nice and clean, the presents for Bella were sitting in my Volvo boot and the present from me was safely in my back pocket. I had felt my arse a few times to check it was still there.
Not because I liked touching myself, like the girl sitting next to me in class accused me of.
At half past seven, I made my way to Bella's place. I had been invited to dinner but politely declined, as I knew that I'd be busy today. However, I did tell Bella that she wouldn't get away with a birthday without a gift from me. I would be dropping by her present and she would have to accept.
Please accept.
--
"Oh…Edward", Renée looked startled as she opened the door. Who was she expecting, father Christmas?
"Good evening Mrs Swan how are you?" I asked her, smiling. She fanned her face and stepped aside, gesturing me in. I really hoped she wasn't going to giggle again or anything.
"Peachy…um, I presume you're here for Isabella?" she asked quickly, closing the door. No flirting. Mmm, improvements. Somehow, her cheeks were all pink and she looked distracted as her eyes kept darted all around us. I could hear Charlie and James in the other room.
"Yes…Bella", I told her, nodding. Just then, James appeared. His eyes flickered between his mother and I. I remembered the last time I had been here and he acted so strangely.
Sometimes I swear this guy was bipolar.
"Edward", he nodded curtly, narrowing his eyes.
"Hey James", I greeted, in a kinder tone than he threw at me.
"Bella's upstairs…cake?" he asked, holding up a slice of chocolate cake on a small plate. I eyed him, confused.
"James, darling I don't think –"
Renée began to speak but I cut her off. I was actually expecting Bella to answer to door tonight. I hoped she would be waiting for me to come by the window or some shit like that. Then we'd embrace and I'd give her the gift I had for her and she'd be so happy…
"No cake, thanks James. Could I just see Bella?" I asked, turning back to Renée. She nodded and offered me an apologetic smile, for what, I didn't know.
"Upstairs, first door on your left", she told me hesitantly, "and, um…I think Bella's upset about something. She was, er, well she –"
"She broke down and refused to cut the cake", James finished off, "so I cut it for her. Are you sure you don't want a piece, man? It's good cake."
"She broke down?" I repeated, ignoring the other useless words, "what do you mean? What happened? Is Bella ok?"
"I think it's something that she needs to tell you", Renée murmured quietly, "she hasn't exactly come to terms with it yet, but I didn't expect her too. Bella isn't exactly…strong with emotions. She's just not…well, not."
"Not what? Come to terms with what?" I repeated once more. I had no idea what Renée Swan was talking about and this left me confused. Apparently I wasn't the only one.
"What do you mean?" James demanded, crossing his arms. He held his precious cake safely though. "What's wrong with Bella? I thought it was just because she didn't get a present from me. I told her, it's in the post. God, that girl's so –"
"Can I go see her?" I interrupted, I felt so alarmed at what I had just heard. Renée nodded immediately, smiling ruefully once more and I ran up the stairs without a second glance back.
--
Amongst other presents, I got Bella a musical box for her sixteenth birthday the previous year. Inside were two birds, a blue and a red one. That was the only gift she approved of that she said she would accept and keep, even though I begged her to keep the other ones as well. Still, that was when we were really becoming close. It was when I had started to realise my feeling for her. That even though she was broken and hurting, I wanted to be the one holding her forever. I wanted to love her like she deserved to be loved.
I pushed her bedroom door open and revealed her fragile petite frame, sat in the middle of her bed. Her brown hair gracefully cascaded down her shoulder and reached her waist. In her hand was the musical box, which she was playing over and over again.
Bella looked up at me and smiled softly when I entered. I could see the tear strains on her face and how red and puffy her eyes were. I closed the door and walked in.
--
Bella's POV. (Before Edward came)
Seventeen.
My day went by as normal as any other day. In fact, if it wasn't for my two friends at school bombarding me with presents and shouting out 'IT'S BELLA'S BIRTHDAY! SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER OR WE'LL BEAT YOU UP LATER!' in the school corridors well, if it wasn't for that, then it would be just like any other day. I'd wake up, get ready for school, creep down the stairs and try to skip out of the door without anyone noticing me. The other difference today was that Edward couldn't pick me up. He had some errands to run, apparently.
To be honest, I didn't really mind. Although I loved seeing his face in the morning, I was dreading seeing him again. What my mother had told me yesterday terrified me. I didn't mind not having children, seeing as I wasn't weeping and sobbing my heart out, but would Edward?
Of course, I never said that we'd get married and live happily ever after. Edward didn't really have many long-term relationships, as to why I was surprised when he wanted more than just sex from me. Blissfully happy but still quite surprised.
So, did he want children or not? Would he think I was whole?
Did I think I was whole?
That's when it happened. I had this odd epiphany moment. I was all dressed up, wearing a brand new dress that I had purchased with Alice. It was silky and black and ended right on my knees. The two straps around my shoulders were patterned and smooth. Apart from that, the dress was simply plain black but beautiful all the same.
I didn't wear makeup, since we were only downstairs. My dad offered to go out but since Edward said he wouldn't be able to come, I requested just a nice dinner with my family. That would be the only evening that I wouldn't get insults thrown at me anyhow.
We ate dinner quickly and I felt like I was guarding time. I kept glancing at my watch to see if Edward was about to arrive yet. At seven fifteen, James cleared the table and came back with a two-layered chocolate cake.
Then I don't know what happened. I was bending over, blowing out the candles and suddenly a tear dropped out of my eye. It rolled off my cheek slightly and fell directly on the cake. I could feel a flash as Charlie took a picture.
Some people say that their lives flash before their eyes as just before they die. I was getting that flash right then. Bent over a chocolate birthday cake. The seventeen-shaped candle was still burning. Renée and James stood on the side, a fork and plate in hand. And I suddenly realised that I wouldn't get it.
I wasn't going to have children. I couldn't go through the horrible, life excruciating pain that mothers did. I wouldn't be able to break my husband's hand, whilst squeezing out a little life. I wouldn't be able to hold that little miracle after all the pain and suffering. I wouldn't be able to dress my baby, to get up in the middle of the night to change it or feed it.
I wouldn't be able to have a baby.
"Isabella?" my mother's voice rang through my ears.
"Blow the candle and cut the damn cake already, I'm hungry", snapped James. With a feeble blow, the candle was out. I straightened up, my hand going straight to my stomach immediately. It was flat, and still a little bit bruised on the outside.
Another tear rolled down my cheek.
"Bella, honey? You ok?" Charlie asked, placing the camera down and walking warily towards me.
"I…I can't have children", I whispered, more tears coming out unwillingly. What I didn't want to happen was happening. I was realising how much a baby was to me. I didn't have one, I couldn't have one. Maybe that's what Renée was trying to tell me earlier, that since I couldn't give Edward a family, a child, maybe he'd go to someone who would.
"Cut the cake!"
"Isabella?"
"I can't do it…" I whispered, my heart now pounding. All realisations were becoming clear. I looked across from my parent's faces to my brother's.
Then I thought of Edward.
He said he loved me. Me. nothing else but me. If I broke down and cried that wouldn't make him happy. If I mulled over this by myself, he wouldn't like it. I had to be strong. For him and for me. And if I couldn't have children, I wouldn't let my mother make me think I wasn't whole. Because I was. I wouldn't let her get to me. Not this time.
"Can you cut the cake please?" James huffed out, crossing his arms.
"Cut the damn cake yourself", I hissed, turning my heel and sprinting up and stairs as fast as I could.
Renee wasn't going to get the worst of me, not now. If I couldn't have children, it didn't mean I couldn't be a mother. And if that's what Renée thinks, I was going to prove her wrong.
OK, I think I've got the end of this story nearly sorted out now. It'll end in about 3-4 chapters. If you have any questions, ask it, and I'll answer it in the story.
Thanks for reading.
xXx