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Chapter 37

"Cain, you're up," we all look up from our spots and see Eric calling us. His eyes were focused on me. I guess calling me initiate wouldn't be specific enough considering we are all initiates in this corridor. I was sitting between Rob and Annie. The twins, Skander and Michael were the first once to go in the simulation room. I got up and walked to the man. My friends wished me luck and I eyed them. Rob clarified: "You and him in one small room? That is bound to go wrong."

"Yeah, we already made bets on who is going die," Marc joked and I smirk. It was reassuring to hear that my friends still thought Eric and I didn't get along. I wonder how long I am going to be able to keep them believing that. They are bound to find out that I go missing sometimes and they must find it weird that I don't always have a good explanation as to where I was.

"I'll try not to get caught and…" I am cut off by a hand smacking the top of my head. Eric's hand grabs the back of my shirt and he pulls me into the simulation room. I remember a saying my father once told me when he had to do something with my mother that he really didn't want to do: "They who are going to die, salute you."

Just like my father, I ended up receiving a smack to my head. My friends just laugh and Eric closes the door behind us. I snigger from my own comment and remember my father's smile when he had said that to me and Marie: "You know, I don't think you are allowed to smack me anymore."

"I am when you are being an idiot," Eric tells me and I sit down on the edge of the simulation chair. I observe Eric while he gets the computer ready. He is being stiff in his movements, what seems to be out of character for Eric. He is to tense, other people could notice it: "Eric, come here."

"What?" Eric asks me and looks up from the computer screen. He looks confused and I wave him over. He walks over to me and I grab his hand and pull him closer. I lay my head against his chest and inhale his scent: "Stop worrying, it'll be fine."

Eric doesn't say anything and leans his forehead against mine. I cup his face and he leans his hands against the simulation chair. He closes the distance between us and we kiss slowly. It was meant to comfort each other. I have to admit I was a bit on edge today as well. What if Eric can't change any of my results and Jeanine sees them? What if she finds out?

What if Eric lied to me?

A stinging and most uncomfortable pain enters my neck. It's the simulation needle. I hate those things. Eric kept kissing me while he injected the serum. It was a most welcome distraction, but it wasn't enough to keep me from noticing it. After a few seconds Eric breaks the kiss: "You'll be fine."

"Of course I will be, I always get away with stuff somehow," I joke and feel my conscious falter. The serum is pulling me in, but I don't want to let go of Eric just yet. I pull him in for one more kiss and before I know it I am inside the dark and abandoned room I always end up waking up in.

Having faced these fears a few times now, I know how to handle them. I fight of the men who attack me and I ignore Michael's corps in the bed. I knock the men unconscious and break the needles they were holding. The serum in them spills out over the floor. I continue. When I run into another room, I am trapped. I see a brick laying in one of the corners. I remember Tyra using the rock last night and I break the lock by hitting it a couple of times. When I run up the stairs, I hear the faceless mob coming after me. On the roof I use a wooden plank to get to the other side of the roof and on the other roof, I tie a rope to climb down the building. While doing so, I take my time. I am pretty sure that I got out of that building quickly and I only have to face the Erudite fire now, unless I have more fears after that one. I never got that far. When I run into the gun in the abandoned street, I take it with me this time. It might come in handy later and it is not because I have a gun, that I actually have to use it.

Right?

I get into the burning Erudite building easy and look threw the washing machines for some cloths that could offer me some more protection from the fire upstairs. I find a leather jacket. What is that doing here? Who even wears that? I pull it on and grab two shirts: one for the smoke and one for the doorknob that is coming. I use the same tactic I did last time and open the door. I remember the crowbar in Michael's apartment and get it. I quickly walk through the burning corridor. While I walk to my home, one of my shoes catches fire. I know it's not real, but I kick it out none the less. Someone who thinks this is real, would believe they are on fire. I walked further down the corridor and keep checking my back every ten seconds. The last time I was overpowered because I didn't watch my back and I am pretty sure that Eric would scold me for being so stupid as to forget the basic of our training.

"Marie?" I yell and my sister responses. I tell her get away from the door and I start banging on the door with the crowbar. After three hits I see movement out of the corner of my eyes. It's my attacker. I turn and throw the crowbar at the person. It hits the person in their stomach and they fall down. I don't think and throw myself at the person. It wasn't a Dauntless person but he still put up a good fight. It unnerved me that the person didn't have a face. I threw my fist at his stomach and he doubled over, but he pulled my legs out from underneath me. I land hard on my back and I feel the gun press into my back. My attacker grabs the crowbar and throws it at me. I pull the gun out from my waistband and aim at it. I pull the trigger and hit my target. The crowbar changes its course and lands behind me. My attacker stops as I aim the gun at him.

"Well, what are you going to do now?" the faceless person spoke, but it wasn't a man's voice like I first expected it to be. It was a woman standing in front of me. The woman walks towards me and I feel my mind bring me back to the factionless attack. I had aimed a gun at an innocent man and pulled the trigger back then. I could do it now, but I was hesitating because I didn't want to be able to kill people so easily. I keep the gun aimed at the woman and stand up. The smoke clears between us and I see the woman's face: it's Jeanine's. I find it harder to keep myself from pulling the trigger.

This must be my fifth fear: turning into a monster that can kill people without remorse. To turn into Jeanine. The conversation she had with my parents all those years ago about human experiments spooked threw my mind and I felt my fear get the better of me. My hands were shaking and that made Jeanine smile: "You can't do it can you? Maybe you aren't cut out of the right material to be Dauntless after all."

She is trying to provoke me. She wants me to shoot at her, well the simulation wants me to do that. I need to overpower Jeanine some other way. But how? With the fire surrounding us, I can't fight her. The fire will catch on to my clothes and I will either have to admit that I know this is all fake or I give in to the fear of being burned alive. I never knew I was afraid of that. How did I develop that fear? I remember seeing Marie's bed, or lack of bed in our bedroom. It was completely destroyed because of the fire. Marie must have woken up in it. I wonder if the bed was already on fire or if she got away in time?

Think Andy! What can you do to overpower Jeanine?

"You should have stayed in Erudite. You would have been great under my teachings," Jeanine says and she takes a step forward. It suddenly downed on me that I hadn't heard Marie call out to me in a few minutes. She must have heard me fight someone. Why isn't she calling out to me? What happened to her?

Jeanine launches herself at me and it is the most bizarre thing I have ever seen. Jeanine, cool and collected Jeanine engaging in a brutal hand to hand combat. It was so weird it took me a second longer to move. Jeanine grabs my wrist holding the gun. Her grip is firm. I pull the woman towards me and turn my body. I pull her over my shoulder and throw her against the ground. She lets go of my wrist and I knock her unconscious by smacking the gun against her face. She stops moving, but I could see her chest moving. She was still alive.

Good.

I run to my apartment door and shoot the lock. I doubt anyone else will come after me after Jeanine. After two shots the door opens and I enter my apartment, but instead of walking into my living room, I sit up in the simulation chair. I catch my breath and blink a few times. I am out of the simulation? I did it? I turn to Eric, but his face is emotionless: "Eric?"

The door of the simulation room opens and three Dauntless men burst through. They are followed by Jeanine. She is wearing her glasses and smiling. The three men grab me and I can't pull myself lose. Jeanine walks closer to me and I see her carrying a needle. I panic and try to get lose but it's no use: "No! Eric!"

"Thank you for your help Eric, you can go now," Jeanine dismisses the man and he walks to the door. He turns to me before he leaves and I feel like getting shot all over again: "I told you not to trust me."

He sold me out!

I couldn't think about it longer because Jeanine was walking over to me. My arms were locked behind my back by two men, while the third one had his arm around my throat. What can I do? I am stuck. Andy think! What can you use? My feet! When Jeanine is close enough, I kick myself from the ground and place both my feet against the woman's chest. She falls backwards, against the computer. It falls to the ground. I bite the man who's arm is around my throat and spit in the face of the one on my left. He closes his eyes and his grip loosens. So does the grip of the man behind me. I stamp on his feet and pull my left arm free. I knock the second man down. The man falls against the simulation chair. I pull the last man towards me and throw him over my shoulder. He slams into the man that fell against the simulation chair. I look at the door and notice that Eric isn't standing there. I run to the door to get out of the compound, but as soon as I run through the door I sit up in the simulation chair again.

What?

I stand up quickly, but my legs aren't fully functioning because of the serum that is still inside my body. I almost fall down, but Eric catches me. He says something, but my mind is fuzzy and all I feel is the fear from being caught by Jeanine. I throw my fist at the man's face, but he blocks it. He grabs both my hands and pushes me up against a wall. I am trapped and I feel myself start to panic again.

"Andy, stop!" Eric tries to calm me down, but I refuse to listen and keep trashing around. Eric pins my hands above my head and he pushes his body against mine. I can't move anymore and I feel my panic rise to new heights. I want to scream for help, but Eric kisses me to silence me. I freeze in my movements and he breaks the kiss: "Use your head Andy, it wasn't real."

Use my head? Why wasn't it real? I woke up in the simulation and Eric was there and Jeanine walked in and that could basically happen right now as well and… I couldn't think anymore was I was launched into a panic attack. My lunges refused to give me oxygen. I hear Eric talk to me, but his words don't reach my ears and my vision is starting to get blurry. I feel a hand being pushed against my mouth and I start to panic more. Eric presses his lips against my ear: "Breath threw your nose Andy."

I try to do as he says and slowly little bits of oxygen enter my body. My brain lets me focus again and go over the last simulation. Why wasn't that real? Everyone looked real. I think I even recognized the three men holding me down. What was different from now? I couldn't wrap my head around it and I realized that I needed to know what was different to relax, but I couldn't figure it out. I locked my eyes with Eric and he understood: "What were you wearing?"

What kind of question is that? My clothes obliviously. My t-shirt and my shorts. Wait a minute, I was also wearing a jacket, a leather jacket. The one I had found in the Erudite cellar. I was still wearing that when I woke up inside the simulation. I checked my arms to make sure I wasn't wearing it now. Eric noticed: "You are out of the simulation. You're awake."

I let my body relax and breathing starts to become easier. Eric lets go of my hands and they fall like lifeless limbs beside me. It was a good thing Eric was holding me up, because my legs were suddenly made of jelly. Eric picks me up and carries to me back to the simulation chair. He sits me down and wanted to pull away, but I refuse to let him go. I keep my arms around his neck and hide my face in his neck. He doesn't speak and rubs his hand, in a soothing way, over my back. It helps. I feel my eyes get wet, but I blink the tears away.

It had looked so real. It had felt so real. I really thought Eric had sold me out. I really thought I had to run away and that everyone knew. It really hurt when Eric told me not to trust him: "I thought you sold me out."

"I told you I am selfish. I'm not planning on sharing you with anyone," Eric reassures me and I feel a chuckle leave my mouth. I pull my arms away from his neck and lean back. Eric eyes me: "Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine," I lie and he gives me the substance that Four and Lauren always give me after my simulation. Eric lays his hands at the back of my neck and leans his head against mine: "You did well. Your time matches that of the others and you didn't act suspicious. You handled it like a Dauntless would."

"So I don't have to worry about that robotic blond woman from Erudite?" I ask and Eric chuckles. He kisses my forehead and whispers to me: "No, you're good. You think you are going to be able to walk out of here with any dignity?"

I glare at the man and flick his head before he can stop me. He grins at me and kisses me quickly before pulling me out of the simulation chair. He walks me to the door, but he stops from pulling open the door and he turns to me: "Come to my place after your shift in the bar."

"I can't guarantee that. My friends probably want to celebrate tonight and I am convinced they won't tolerate me leaving," I disappoint Eric, but he comes up with another idea: "Then come by after the results are announced. You owe me one for last night by the way."

"I'll do my best," I say and kiss Eric before opening the door. I walk past my friends and wish them good luck. I join the others in the pit. They are talking about how their simulations went. Everyone seemed to be able to handle their fears. I felt pathetic for not being able to handle my last fear. I should have noticed that I was still wearing the Erudite jacket.

"Andy, are you in there?" Michael asks me and he nudges my shoulder. I stop thinking about my simulation and see my friends are making their way over to Tori's tattoo shop. Great, like I haven't faced enough fears in one day. I ignore Michael and follow the group. They had been talking about getting a tattoo that would represent last night. I liked the idea, but I wasn't sure that the tattoo would be small when I saw Tyra, Skander and Kane's collection of tattoos. They each had nine tattoos and some were pretty big. Both Tyra's upper arms were covered and Kane had a very big tattoo of a dragon on his back. Apparently getting tattoos was a family thing.

I looked through the pages of Tori's art collection and marveled at her talent. It's sad that she can't do more with it. She is really talented. I turned over a page covered with dragon tattoos when my eyes caught a bunch of words: Justice, honor, duty, mercy and hope. The words were written in a cursive writing. It was small and simple. I liked the combination of words. I chose Dauntless because it resembled hope to me. I thought I could hide away in this faction and hide my Divergent. I want to become Dauntless and make it my duty to stand up for others and to protect them. I believe in justice. I did not agree with Sacha's death and frankly Eric should have found another way to prove his loyalty. I want to make sure that in the future I always act in a justified and merciful way. And I have hope. I am not safe in this compound, but I have a family here and I know that Eric and Four are watching out for me. I wasn't on my own against the people who want to harm me.

I decide to get the words tattooed on my right side. Tori remembered that I wasn't a fan of her needles and she tried to reassure me during the process. I refused to let my friends in the room with me. I would rather die than have them see my face every time Tori's needles pierces my skin. It felt like hours to me, but in reality I only sat in the chair for like twenty minutes. Tori was quick with her torture devices: "Here, take a look."

I stood up and walked over to the mirror in front of the chair. The words were tattooed so that I could read them myself when I looked down. I liked that. If I was ever in trouble or if I didn't know how to handle a situation, I could look down and remember what the way is I want to live by.

"How is your other tattoo? I am guessing you didn't get any infections?" Tori asks me and I pulled my collar down to view my first tattoo. A small smile covers my lips when I look at the owl. I hadn't asked Tori to do it, but the owl had the same color eyes as my father: green. I had inherited them. Marie had mom's eyes: "No, I didn't have any problems with it."

"Hey Andy, we found a tattoo we all want. Come check it out," Lucas calls to me from behind the door. Tori follows me and I see my friends gather around Skander, who is holding one of Tori's artworks. The page was covered with symbols I have never seen before. I was very glad that it would be a small tattoo: "Which one do you guys want?"

"This one, it means family," Michael explains and I eye the tattoo he is pointing at. It was black, with three swirls. I wonder where the symbol comes from. Tori seemed to read my thoughts: "It's an ancient Celtic symbol. I collect symbols likes these because I like the message they represent."

"Well I like it. Tori take me back to your room of hell," I say and Tori grins like a mad woman. She grabs my wrist and drags me back to the chair. It only takes Tori ten minutes to place the tattoo on my ankle, but I almost scream out in pain and fear this time. I had apparently chosen one of the more painful places to get a tattoo. How nice of Tori not to mention that before she started torturing me.

Bitch.

Marnie walked in the tattoo shop when Tori was done with me. She had bandaged both tattoos so that the ink could dry properly and so that my clothes wouldn't irritate the skin. I showed Marnie the tattoo I got and she eyed me curiously. I didn't like the way here eyes scanned my body. I wanted to take a step back when Marnie spoke: "Okay, so I know you will hate it, but we have decided for you that it is time to burn the cloths you are wearing. Don't freak out, we found some cloths that you would find exactable, but honey it is time for a change."

Marnie was very threatening and I almost felt an urge to run away from her. I am assuming that 'we' means she and Kim. They have been looking for cloths for me. I found the idée ridiculous, but I know how much Marnie and Kim were into stuff like that, so I decided to swallow my pride and just nod: "Let's make a deal. If our plan succeeds, then I will try out these cloths you have for me."

"Deal," Marnie said and she smiles brightly. I smile back but wonder what was wrong with me. Aren't normal girls supposed to be into this kind of stuff? Frankly I never thought about it. I just wore the cloths my mom got me. I just pray it's something decent they got me, because I refuse to wear the shorts she and Kim sometimes wear when they come to the bar.

"Wait, did I just hear that correctly. Are you actually willing to wear something other than those shorts and the t-shirt you always wear? Who are you and what have you done to our Andy," Victor mocks me and the others join in. I can only bite my lip and pry to a higher power that Marnie and Kim got me decent cloths. Tonight is going to be a drag. I do not look forward to it anymore.

"I cannot wait to see this," Kane said and he wiggled his eyebrows at me. His sister hit him in the head and sighed: "Great, now I am going to be the tomboy of the group. Thanks a lot Andy."

"You always were the tomboy. Andy was just always mean and tonight we are going to realize that she is actually a totally knock out," Kane continued and he received another punch from his sister and surprisingly some dirty looks from Victor, Lucas and Michael. I wanted to question it, but Victor cuts me off: "Don't even think about it, she belongs to our family, so we get first choice."

"She is not a piece of meat and that would be incest Victor," I told the boy and he just grinned and we left the tattoo shop. We went to the pit and waited there for all our friends. We didn't tell Luissa about our tattoos. She looked incredibly smug when she joined our group. I am guessing her simulation went smooth. She tried to talk to her fellow Dauntless initiates, but they always answered her shortly and they kept talking to my friends. I got a secret satisfaction from seeing her get annoyed, but she didn't voice it or walk away.

We had to wait until after dinner to receive our test results. Around four the nerves started kicking in when Sarah mentioned her concern that maybe her simulation hadn't gone as well as she had thought. She was starting to doubt herself and it quickly started affecting the others and me. I knew my results were good enough to get me to pass, but what if my friends didn't make it. What if some of them would still get kicked out. We tried to improve everyone's simulations last night, but what if they will still make half of us leave. Even if our scores are almost equal.

I lasted for thirty minutes with the group, but then I couldn't take it anymore. I needed some alone time to clear my head and to relax. What was done was done and we couldn't change our results anymore. I grab a gun in the training room and went to the practice roof. I start the program and aim the gun at the targets. They appear quickly and I pull the trigger. The factionless man I almost shot during the attack appears before my eyes for a split second and I lower my gun. I still can't believe that it was so easy for me to shoot the man during the attack. Now that I think about it, he didn't look threatening. On the contrary, he looked scared and like he rather was somewhere else.

And I simple aimed his gun at him and pulled the trigger. How could I have been so selfish and cruel? I blame Eric for killing Sacha the way he did, but at least he had a reason. Well, in his eyes he had a reason. What reason did I have to kill that man? He was attacking me and my friends, but I could have easily shot him in his leg or something. Why hadn't I thought about that? The man would be unable to fight further and his friends might have backed off. But no, I had to aim at his chest and pull the trigger. How much am I really different from Jeanine? She is apparently cable of murder without thinking about it and that is exactly what I did. I didn't think and I pulled the trigger. The only reason he isn't dead is because he hadn't loaded his gun. He wasn't alive because of something I had done.

I shook my head and aim the gun again. I continue firing at the targets and every time the factionless man's face appears in my head. I refuse to shake his face from my mind, it would remind me of how easy it was for me to cross the line of becoming a murderer. If I ever am faced with a situation like that again, I will think of him and I will not be a brainless Dauntless initiate then. I will use my brain and I will find a way to get out safely without killing my opponent.

I stay on the practice roof until it was time to gather in the training room. Training on the roof helped me focus on something else, but it also made my shot wound itch significantly. It didn't hurt, but it was an annoying feeling. Katelyn had removed the wires a few days ago and it had amazed me that it had tickled. The wound was still bandaged up, but it allowed me to train properly and it didn't get in my way anymore, though it still hurt whenever someone touched it with force. Lucas had one time, during a practice fight, hit the wound with his fist. I had fallen back in pain and I had to quite practice for that day. Lucas felt really guilty because of it. I tried to reassure him that it was okay, but I am pretty sure he didn't see it that way.

I walked on my own to the training room and I was the last to arrive apparently, aside from Max and Eric. My friends were joking around but I could tell it was to lessen the tense atmosphere in our group. Luissa stood next to Sigrid and Kim. I could tell by Kim's face that she was about to punch Luissa. Sigrid had noticed it and she kept Luissa's attention focused on herself. She seems to be the only one to tolerate Luissa's annoying voice.

Four and Lauren are talking quietly and watching us curiously. Something is up with them. Why would they be talking so quietly, they could just wait and discuss whatever it is later when we are not around. Why would they…unless it is about us and our test results. That must be what they are talking about. I wonder if they found out about last night. What if they did? Would they throw us all out? Who would they blame? Me obviously. But who would stand with me? Its one thing to say you will stick together, but it's another to actually do it.

The door opens and Max and Eric walk in the training room. The room goes quite and the uncomfortable tension is back. My friends eye them, but I lower my eyes to my shoes. I don't want to read in Eric's face that we didn't succeed. I feel my heart pounding in my throat, but I try to appear calm and collected. I realize that I am not succeeding when Annie, who is sitting next to me on the ground, discreetly grabs my hand and squeezes.

It's all or nothing now. Here we go.

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